I chose a profession, writing, that I knew wouldn’t necessarily be lucrative or stable. But I knew from a young age, starting when I was editor-in-chief of my elementary school newspaper, that this is what I was meant to do.
So I followed my path. I majored in journalism in college, but got scared when no writing jobs were getting back to me following graduation. Out of fear, I took a job in television that gave me a stable $36,000 a year paycheck. I only lasted three months. There was no writing involved and I was suffering. I knew I had to follow my dreams instead.
I freelanced for a local newspaper, making $150 a week if I was lucky, and airbnbing out an extra room in my apartment. I’d often walk around with $6 in my bank account, not knowing where the next paycheck was coming from or how I’d afford rent or groceries.
I’d walk around with $6 in my bank account, not knowing how I’d afford rent or groceries.
This led to a lot of panic. I was living in New York City, and I couldn’t even afford to purchase a Metrocard. I’d often cry in the shower or on the subway when I was able to buy the fare. I would notice the more well-to-do people in the car – Wall Street stock brokers in suits, fancy Upper West Side women in expensive dresses – and feel so overwhelmed that I would never be like that. I wouldn’t fit into this city and things would not get better.
My financial anxiety was on my mind constantly. It was hard to function. I was stuck in a vicious cycle. I thought about my bad finances, and then I got too anxious to come up with a plan about how to make money. I’d calm myself down with food, which, even if it was cheap and from the local bodega, ended up being just another expense.
Around this time, I started dabbling in Judaism and questioning my lack of faith in God. I was previously an atheist until I met my boyfriend (now husband) Danny, who took me to a Chabad Friday night dinner that sparked a transformation of my religious views. I eventually converted to Judaism and started to utilize my faith to help me get through those hard times.
I figured out that instead of worrying, I was much better off if I just shut off my anxious thoughts and had faith that things would work out. Everything that was happening to me was for a good reason, even if I couldn’t see it.
I didn’t use my faith in God as an escape from taking responsibility. Attaining some extra peace of mind enabled me to work more productively. If I couldn’t afford to go buy a sandwich, I’d stay at home and write instead. I would come up with great pieces that ended up making me money. If my bank account were low, I’d give a little bit of what I could to charity.
I put effort into doing things that would strengthen my connection to God, like learn with a chavruta (study partner) or read books about Judaism, which would calm me down. Also, both of these activities were conveniently free. And I was getting back so much in return: Nourishment for my nervous soul and mind.
My financial anxiety has gotten better thanks to self-discipline and my faith in God, both continuous works in progress.
My financial anxiety has, over the years, gotten much better thanks to self-discipline and my faith in God, both continuous works in progress. My paychecks are still up and down, and sometimes I don’t know when I’ll be getting in money. But I’ve accepted that God gave me the talent to write for a reason and it would be wrong to do anything else. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be meaningful and sometimes meaning comes out of hardship.
When I am struggling financially, instead of slipping into negative thinking, which is the easiest thing to do, I think about why I might not be in a great situation right now. I come up with how I can prepare myself for the future for this, whether it means adding to my savings account, pitching more publications, or applying to writing jobs.
It’s not easy to be optimistic when it feels like your whole world is crashing down around you. But I know, in my heart, that God would never let that really happen to me. I have faith that I’ll be okay, and that just around the corner, something great is waiting for me.
(10) Anonymous, January 25, 2017 10:05 PM
sorry
Sorry, but unfortunately I'm not with you on this one. Faith is an imperative, but faith alone does not solve issues. G-d expects one to put in an effort too, even if it's not your dream scenario. You can't just sit back, relax, and have faith. You need to put in hard work AND have faith.
MESA, March 20, 2018 1:55 PM
Please read this again. Kylie Ora wrote that she did in fact work and do what she had to do to get money. Her point is that faith in G-d gave her the peace of mind that allowed her to think and strategize about what she had to do.
(9) Anonymous, January 25, 2017 4:38 PM
lone·li·ness with financial struggles
These go together along with anxiety for me, In reading this I think of my faith and its sporadic I struggle all day every minute, mixed with estrangement from family takes my breath away. I wait and wait and try to listen to hear my God for help but he doesn't answer me
Anonymous, June 7, 2018 4:46 PM
Maybe He is answering
I know what it’s like to struggle with faith and challenges that seem to pull you down. However, sometimes when we think God is not answering us, he is we are not hearing it. Look around you and count any and all of your blessings. If you are reading this, you are alive and that is a Huge blessing which many people are not granted. We may not get what we want but we get what we need. I hope you can see all the many blessings that God is giving you. Sometimes he answers us in a different way than what we wanted.
I hope this helps you.
(8) Juliet Jackson, January 25, 2017 2:33 AM
I am a writer/teacher who is struggling financially and is just learning about the Torah lifestyle. Thanks for this!
(7) Gunther, January 25, 2017 1:18 AM
Univeral Basic Income
We need to have Univeral Basic Income since employers have constantly refuse to pay their workers a living wage.
(6) CPerdomo, January 24, 2017 11:44 PM
The best article so far...
I loved it. Really spoke to me. Being in the music world full-time boy did this message really hit home.
(5) H.E.Brown, January 24, 2017 8:23 PM
Trusting God.
Keep the faith. God will provide. I haven't starved to death yet. Have always had something to wear and a place to sleep.
(4) Anonymous, January 24, 2017 7:57 PM
not convincing
i can see how your financial anxieties got to be under control as soon as you found a husband to support you....
Anonymous, April 23, 2018 9:04 PM
To commenter #4 Anonymous
Your statement was cruel, sexist, judgmental and nasty.
(3) Ruth Radberg, January 24, 2017 2:38 PM
Keep believing in yourself
Hi Kylie.
You have something very great going for you - you believe in yourself and your gift, and no one can take that away from you. I recently retired from a job where I wrote successfully for fundraising purposes (20 years in the same organization) and now I am retired I need extra cash-but I do not have the self confidence to get going, and to put my name, to my writing. Good luck and continue to believe in yourself.
(2) Yonit, January 24, 2017 10:17 AM
I agree
I feel just like you. Why is "struggling to make ends meet" seen as something that most people rarely have to do? I think it's because everyone is living in a bubble of "I can have almost anything I want" I think that if people would start using Cash and stop using credit, there would be so many more people out there that are living within their means. This would automatically take down the overspending bubble that we all are part of, and people could be more honest with themselves about what they can and cannot buy. Cash would make for a more healthy society. Spend what you have not what you want.
(1) David Hendricks, January 24, 2017 8:24 AM
Me too
Hi kylie,
How ironic! Here I am trying to get closer to G_d, by reading about King David, Torah and the Talmud. My reason being I'm struggling financially and spiritually. In short, I need a knee replacement and eye surgery. These conditions prevent me from working as a carpenter, that being my career. Well it was. So I decided to start a blog, on how to, DIY and such. Kinda teach people how to,,, I'm hopeful, but really struggling financially. So like you, I'm trying to reconnect with G_d and I too, have faith he won't let the world crash in on me.
Good luck to you,
David