Many young men and women of marriageable age assume that when a couple decides it is time to start a family, it is simple to conceive and bring a healthy baby into the world. In fairness, they have good reason for making that assumption. Growing up they attend brises and baby-namings and they witness the growing families around them. Children are a central focus of Jewish life and living, and young people understandably assume that having them is fairly easy and straightforward.
But they are wrong. What they don’t hear about, because we don’t talk about it, are those suffering and struggling in silence and privacy, desperate to bring a baby into the world and eager to become a mother and father for the first time, or once again. There are more than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States currently struggling with infertility. Up to 20% of those who do become pregnant experience a miscarriage. Eighty percent of those miscarriages occur within the first trimester when the couple is unlikely to have told anyone they were expecting.
Infertility and the pain associated with it are unfortunately nothing new. Our matriarchs and patriarchs struggled with barrenness. Yitzchak was 40 when he got married and the Torah says he was 60 when Yaakov and Esav were born. Together, Yitchak and Rivkah suffered with infertility for 20 long years, praying, longing, and waiting to see the fulfillment of God’s promise to build a nation.
Rachel, too, knew the pain of childlessness. She screamed out in pain, “If I don’t have a child I am already dead,” from which the Talmud (Nedarim 64b) teaches that to live without children is to experience a form of death.
Resolve, the National Infertility Association, writes on its website:
Infertility can feel like a death, like a prolonged mourning process as dreams die and hopes are dashed… The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
This week, I met with three women whom I don’t know and who themselves only know each other from attending an infertility support group. They came with difficult and complex questions in Jewish law about IVF, surrogacy, the use of gestational hosts, and Jewish status. I explained to them that I am far from an expert in these areas, but I am absolutely committed to researching their questions and helping them in every way that I can.
We then got into a discussion of the challenges of struggling with infertility and the acute pain, financial hardship, and intense loneliness that they have each felt. The women shared the often-prohibitive cost of treatments, with one of them having spent over half a million dollars and the others depleting their savings to cover bills totaling a quarter of a million dollars. Two of the women have babies as a result and I pray that the third will have her dreams of being a mother realized in the near future.
Those with infertility or who have suffered a miscarriage are often grieving without anyone even knowing.
A common theme of the agony they described was the loneliness of going through this hardship without the explicit knowledge, awareness, support, love, or assistance of others. Those with infertility or who have suffered a miscarriage are often grieving without anyone even knowing. They are forced to spend their days interacting with others as if all is well, when in fact it isn’t.
Worse than the indifference of friends and acquaintances these women described is the unintentional insensitivity of so many who have been blessed with healthy children and who make comments, tell stories, share pictures, or complain about their kids.
I walked away from the conversation pledging to myself and committed to encourage others to be better, more sensitive, and more aware of the comments and passing remarks we make at Shabbos tables, in shul, and on Facebook. If it were our son or daughter, or our brother or sister suffering with infertility, we would measure our words, think carefully about what we say, and anticipate the potential impact of all we do. When planning our simcha (celebration) we would think about how we could be sensitive to our loved one who may never be in a position to make a bar or bat mitzvah or a wedding.
Well, those suffering are our loved ones. They are our brothers and sisters and we must bring that level of vigilance and mindfulness to our behavior to ensure that we don’t even unintentionally contribute or compound their already unbearable pain. When hosting a simcha or sharing about our children or grandchildren, minimally, we should always reference how fortunate and blessed we feel, that we don’t take it for granted and that we pray for those who don’t have children.
Resolve has a helpful page on its website called infertility etiquette in which they remind us not to be nosy, ask inappropriate questions, make assumptions, gossip, or minimize someone’s challenge. Instead, they say “The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.”
Our matriarchs and patriarchs ultimately saw their dreams fulfilled and we are here today as a result. May all those yearning for healthy children see their hopes and aspirations come true and may we all get only yiddishe nachas from the children whom we are so blessed and fortunate to have.
(12) Chana, April 26, 2015 7:16 AM
Thank you for posting: I'm so fed up with people telling me to get on with having kids or I won't be young enough anymore or to stop putting career first. If only they knew that my only motivation is to have a good job so I can pay for fertility treatments if needed!
(11) Anonymous, December 15, 2014 2:20 AM
Keep your faith.
We were diagnosed with male factor infertility. We did several things over a four year period, from educating ourselves to be able to ask intelligent questions to the doctors, to seeking the help of rabbis. It was an ordeal to say the least. The brocha of a renowned Kabbalist found its way to Hashem... four times. We had a difficult time but in the end we succeeded. Seguloth as helping a poor bride to get married, mitzvat shikuach haken, a kameah written by a prominent Israeli Kabbalist, a tfillah said every Saturday when the ark was opened, not to mention all sorts of medical tests, three operations, hormone treatments, basal temperature readings, were some of the things we tried. Stress was also a factor. But in the end we won. Hannukah is the holiday when miracles happen, so I'm sending a heartfelt brocha to all the couples that want children, may you have them soon!
(10) Cindy, December 11, 2014 10:39 PM
While I understand the trouble and pain from being infertile, their are worse conditions and with the amount of children who are abandoned by their parents I don't understand why adoption is not an option.
Formerly infertile, December 14, 2014 6:15 AM
I can explain that to you. I eventually had two kids after years of infertility treatment and was asked that question zillions of time. Most people expect to have children, not just someone to raise, but someone who will carry on their heritage, be a combination of one's self and one spouse and be a living product of the love they had for their spouse. The loss of that is something to be grieved, whether or not there are other available children. Even people who do decide to adopt--and adoption is not an easy road either--generally go thought the grieving process.
Your question is sort of liking asking, "Why are you grieving your dead spouse when there are other fish in the seas?"
(9) Jeanette, December 10, 2014 7:50 PM
children
I to can't have children, we're to old now. We're in our 50's It's hard for us to be around people who have children and the questions about do you have any children? Its still painful to us.
(8) Basha, December 8, 2014 10:45 PM
When I lived in the US, there was a doctor who came to the conclusion that the one area which does affect some women from conceiving is "blocked fallopian tubes" - Instead of operating, he tried the women on courses of "Robitussen cough medicine" - This seemed to work to clear the tubes on many of the women and what followed was a line of babies wearing tee shirts saying "I'm a Robitussen Baby!" - Obviously this is just one area simply resolved for those who aren't aware that mucus is the cause of the problem.
(7) Anonymous, December 8, 2014 5:49 PM
It never stops hurting
If you don't have children, then you don't have grandchildren w your friends either. (I appreciate friends that understand and invite me into their families to develop real relationships with their kids and grandkids) • You spend a ton of money to have clinic tell you, never mind you r now too old. Good bye. (you'll damage their success statistics) • The local children's schools expect you to cheerfully donate money and volunteer, even though people hardly even speak to you there because they are all in "kid mode" • Someone volunteers you to be a mikveh lady (a segulah) - someone else asks you (literally) "WHY do YOU want to be a mikveh lady when you didn't even care to have children?" (Someone like this, you should answer the painful, vulnerable truth- you had 7 miscarriages?) * People imply you didn't try enough things.- LIke we can force HaShem's hand? have endless money? the spiritual strength to have your body physically INVADED by more mostly male, strangers w painful medical instruments, procedures that feel like RAPE...and dangerous drug choices: #1 can cause cancer, #2 can cause blindness, diabetes (did to a friend) & osteoporosis, #3 caused me to pass out in the supermarket w cardiac arythmia, #4 turned out to be in an improperly manufactured dispenser, giving me wildly varying doses- NOT healthy and a good way to CAUSE miscarrige. None covered by our insurance. • Adoption costs another FORTUNE
Thank you for bringing up this topic. Please, Forward your article to BINA magazine c/o Hamodia. They do great sensitive issues. You may give them my email privately.
(6) Anonymous, December 8, 2014 3:54 PM
Infertile forever
I had a medical condition that prevented me from carrying full term. I worked with children for years before getting married and trying for our own. I desperately wanted children. It was not to be after several miscarriages. Although there was a twinge of pain every now and again around happy families, I thank G-d he helped me through it. I actually find it tougher now that we're older and folks when they meet us ask if we have children. When we say 'No' there quite often seems to be a judgment as they look at our lifestyle. They seem to write us off as 'selfish' or 'too wrapped up in oursleves' as they realize having no children has afforded us the ability to work hard, travel regularly and retire young. However when these people look down on us they don't think about or understand that we would have given it ALL up to have children of our own. So I would simply add PLEASE remember the older folks who don't have children and don't judge them so harshly. They were once the young couples written about above. They are the ones as the age who have no little ones to come visit and no one to call family when they eventually lose their partner. Don't tip-toe but don't assume or judge either.
(5) DVORA, December 8, 2014 2:15 PM
EXCELLENT ARTICLE
IMPORTANT TOPIC --- THANK YOU --
MAY YOU BE SAFE AND WELL ------- DVORA
(4) Jewish Mom, December 8, 2014 8:05 AM
Too careful might be a mistake
One should always be sensitive to the feelings of others, so complaining about gaining weight in a pregnancy (as poster #2 wrote) or sleepless nights with babies is totally inappropriate. But tiptoeing and never mentioning that children exist in your life will only exacerbate feelings of loneliness and exclusion that a childless person might contend with (see post #1). My daughter and son-in-law who struggled with infertility (they were eventually blessed with children, thank G-d) would have been insulted had their married siblings kept their pregnancies a secret from them, for example, or if they'd never talk about their children. Of course, sensitivity is needed not to keep the entire conversation around children, babysitters and pregnancies - ditto when sitting with single friends. And if a childless or single friend approaches the table - don't all clam up at once! Just tactfully change the subject to current events, careers, an interesting Torah thought, halacha (such as shmitta this year), etc.
Every person who longs for children is unique and copes differently with his/her childlessness. Maybe some can't bear to hear any talk at all about children, but I believe that more people feel like Inbar (poster #1) i.e. they prefer not to be socially isolated and don't want everyone around them to be walking on eggshells in their presence. Sensitivity - of course. Tact - sure. But not isolation and confining all conversation in an artificial bubble.
(3) Deborah Litwack, December 7, 2014 11:28 PM
A Possibly Helpful Book:
Infertility in the Bible-How the Matriarchs Changed Their Fate
by Jessie Fischbien
The author's painful experiences / biblical research and luckily a few full term normal children.
Lisa Aiken, December 8, 2014 6:13 PM
helpful book and article
My book, Why Me, G-d? A Jewish Guide to Coping with Challenges has a chapter on Infertility. It offers suggestions about how to personally deal with the problem, as well as how to respond to others who are experiencing the pain of infertility.
See also my article on aish.com, Lights at the End of the Tunnel.
(2) Anonymous, December 7, 2014 7:20 PM
experience at a wedding
I was at a wedding, sitting at a table with 90% pregnant women. They spoke the ENTIRE time about being pregnant, and even complained about gaining weight etc. I was so desperatley wanting to be pregnant, and I was crying and crying inside. I wished that they could be sensitive and speak about something else while I was sitting there with them, but they couldn't look beyong themselves. Thank G-d I have been blessed now with children, and I try to be very sensitive to anyone who does not have children (even if they've been married only for several months, because you never know) or if someone could be wanting another child. Include people in your life, but always err on the side of caution.
(1) Inbar, December 7, 2014 12:45 PM
Care for our pain without excluding us
It is very commendable to care that someone else may be or is suffering with this issue. At the same time, sharing stories and life events of your children and grandchildren is a huge and important part of life.
Sometimes people who have no children may be excluded because others try to be mindful and caring, but find it very difficult to always mind their words and to be unable to share what makes them so happy or is so difficult at a certain time. And to make it even more difficult to apply a general solution, for someone dealing with this issue things may change in different periods, depending on how acute their pain is.
If at all possible, try to find a way where someone can be included but can also walk away or refuse invitations without any bad feelings afterwards. On both sides!
Thank you for your kindness!