Apparently, it is big news (in some circles that I clearly don’t move in) that Keanu Reeves is dating a woman not only relatively close to his age (she’s 46 to his 55) but a woman who has – brace yourselves – allowed her hair to go grey, seemingly unafraid of showing signs of aging.
Whether she is or isn’t we don’t really know; grey can be very chic, and I know even younger women who have sported silver do’s. But for Ali Drucker, who wrote a piece about this in The New York Times, this was freeing. Acknowledging her own fear of “looking older”, she applauds Alexandra Grant (Mr. Reeve’s date) for showing some wrinkles.
Yes, she noticed those too. Which brings me to my point. As Ms. Drucker explores her own feelings – and reveals her desire for just the right amount of pre-wedding Botox – she attributes her concerns and attitude to “part vanity and party internalized misogyny.” She is a card-carrying feminist after all, so clearly men must bear some of the blame somehow.
But I’m a little tired of accusing men of being the source of all the world’s problems and I’d like to take the (seemingly) radical step of laying this one at the foot of other women.
If we’re honest, most women will admit that they’re not actually dressing for men; they’re dressing for other women. I’m sorry to say, but unless the outfit is deliberately provocative, men can be a little oblivious. “That’s a nice dress,” my husband says (I’m grateful for the compliment). “Is it new?” I groan as I list the numerous times I’ve worn it. This would never happen with a girlfriend, and women go to great lengths, overfilling their closets in order to ensure that they are not seen wearing the same thing twice. Not seen by their girlfriends and female acquaintances that is.
If I gain a little weight, only my close female friends might have the chutzpah to mention it. My husband wouldn’t dare. Unless it was dramatic, I don’t think he’d notice. And even if my so-called girlfriends were polite enough to keep their mouths shut, I’d be aware of their scrutiny – and their judgment.
The opposite is also true. After significant weight loss, it’s only women who remark on it and possibly comment on the “accomplishment”. It’s not that the self-control required isn’t significant, but I need self-control for so many other much more important areas of my life. No one comments on those achievements. “You’ve become a lot kinder, more patient, more compassionate…”
If we allow our sense of self to be determined by externals, particularly by our current world’s obsession with youth, we will never be happy.
And about those lines, the ones that the author says that “even fillers can’t reach”, I have a lot. I wrote in an earlier article that one of my grandchildren once said that my face looked “crunchy”. Another recently asked if I was going to die soon! But these were innocent comments, no judgment implied. Not so with some of my female friends who volunteered (unsolicited) the names of the women who provided their Juvéderm, microplanning, Botox, you name it…and suggested, sotto voce, that “it is time for me to do something."
I’m not insulted, and I don’t harbor any resentment towards the eagle-eyed women in my life. I’d just like to give men a break and suggest that this is an issue that can’t be laid in their lap.
I could also attribute some blame to a society that no longer respects the elderly and the wisdom of old age – unlike the times of the Talmud when the young newly-elected leader of the Sanhedrin experienced a miraculous overnight aging in order to assist his colleagues in viewing him with appropriate deference. Or unlike our forefather Abraham, who prayed for signs of aging for similar reasons. This is a longer discussion particularly in a world where a millennial can apparently effectively end an argument by calling someone a (Baby) Boomer, thereby implying they are out-of-touch and irrelevant.
But, ultimately, the blame, if such is the word, rests solely on our shoulders. If we allow our sense of self to be determined by externals, particularly by our current world’s obsession with youth, we will never be happy. If we allow men, other women or Vogue magazine to establish whether we are attractive or not, we’ll never measure up. Our self-esteem needs to come from our internal compass, our values, our character, our meaningful accomplishments – and the fact that we were created in the image of the Almighty. What could be more attractive than that?
It's not that we can’t do things to enhance our physical beauty; it’s that we can’t let them control our lives and our happiness. We can’t let them determine how we feel about ourselves.
We are beautiful because of our souls, because of our connection to the Divine – and if we let that inner element dominate, these extra wrinkles will be less noticeable.
I think that, as women, as Jews, as the children of the Almighty, it’s time to stop blaming, to stop being victims of or dependent on others for a sense of self, physical or otherwise.
It’s time to look inwards and ask the Almighty to let our true beauty shine through.
(15) Efrayim, November 17, 2019 11:03 PM
Avraham prayed for old age, not Yitzchak. Please correct.
Thank you for the wonderful article. Please correct your mistaken reference. Yitzchak did not pray for old age, Yitzchak prayed for yissurim to allow one to do teshuva and merit olam haba. Avraham prayed for old age. [Bava Metzia 87, Bereishis Rabba 65:4]
(14) Chic, November 17, 2019 10:09 PM
You're married & a grandmother. It makes sense that you dress more for women along with your husband. You don't have men in mind, nor do you need to or should. And there are those that share the opinion you expressed, about women not dressing for males. This is not necessarily true for all.
For those of us who are single with no kids, we do not dress for women (unless it leads to locating our mate). We dress for guys, to find us the right guy.
Try to imagine yourself single, never married, and think of who would be more important to you. Many of us are def not dressing for the femmes. The pressure to look good can be real in a diff way.
(13) Bobby5000, November 15, 2019 3:24 AM
No beauty is not always the test.
"We are beautiful because of our souls, because of our connection to the Divine – and if we let that inner element dominate, these extra wrinkles will be less noticeable." No, women can have many things to admire or like, and that does not necessarily make them beautiful, and one does not take every good quality and then say that makes you beautiful.
Golda Meir was an inspirational leader who helped establish the Jewish state, but we do not have to call her beautiful. Henry Kissinger was an influential statesman but that does not make him handsome. Physical beauty is not the test. ,
(12) Iris Johnson, November 12, 2019 3:54 PM
It’s women and men. It’s a people thing.
It’s everywhere and it’s everybody. Men may not say things aloud and thank you all gentlemen who don’t criticize women when we grow older and greyer and heavier. My husband has NEVER criticized my weight, bless him, but he could do a bit better keeping cookies and chocolate out of my view. What is not said aloud is often not said but definitely thought and all of us, women and men, are criticized for weight, age, presence or absence of makeup, and what not by people who don’t say but think and it influences behaviors. Worse than that, it affects ability to be hired. Statistics show that and I know that from being in those discussions and hearing the whispers. I have very good hearing. All of us should look for the best in people, help when asked, praise when praise is appropriate. Someone who is trying to lose weight and tells you that is worthy of praise. Someone who colors their hair for whatever reason and tells you why can be praised if the color did what it tried to achieve even if you don’t like it yourself. It’s not that hard to find the right words. If our opinion is not requested we must keep it to ourselves. And I mean really to ourselves and ourselves only. I am so fortunate to have reached retirement in very good health and I focus on sharing what I love to do, when asked, and I join people who are like-minded. And my hair is grey and uncut, except the ends, so I can donate it for locks for love, irrespective of what looks good on me. Thank you, our eternal God, for blessing my life.
(11) Rebecca, November 12, 2019 3:33 PM
Women are sexist too
What you describe IS internalized misogyny though. Our society (undeniably a patriarchy when you look at who holds power in government, religious institutions, etc)!has taught us that women’s value is based on their outward appearance. As women we have internalized this message too, and so if we are not thoughtful of course we will participate in the oppression and judgment of other women. The root is still misogyny.
(10) Joyce Shulman, November 12, 2019 3:24 PM
my humble comment
very needed, well-said commentary, in my opinion-
(9) Anonymous, November 12, 2019 4:49 AM
Not Exactly
I cannot agree that men play an insignificant role in women’s uncomfortableness with aging and pursuit of everlasting youth. Let me put your words into perspective.
I know quite a few women in their 50’s and 60’s who want to remarry. What they have discovered, to their chagrin, is that men are generally looking for women who are significantly younger than they are. Men of 50 , 60, 70, and 80 are on the lookout for women who are 15 and better yet 20 years younger. How does this reality leave these older women feeling about themselves and their aging bodies?
I surmise that it’s a lot easier for a woman who is married and has a long term loving husband (such as yourself) to feel confident about growing older with grace.
(8) Rachel, November 11, 2019 11:43 PM
It’s more complicated than you make it
In the workplace, looking older can be a real problem because of ageism, particularly in tech fields. I believe Mr Reeves’ beautiful friend is a visual artist, so her personal appearance may be less important in her field. But try being an older person in the performing arts. Yes, I know there are legends like Judy Dench, Helen Mirren and Maggie Smith who continue to work, but the typical actor or musician is expected to look eternally young and thin.
Anonymous, November 12, 2019 5:02 AM
I Agree
Yes, ageism is a real problem across most workplaces. That is general knowledge. I’m afraid that the subject of aging and its relationship to self-concept is trickier and knottier than Emuna sees it. Life is like that — complicated.
Anne, November 12, 2019 5:46 PM
Sad, but true
When I returned to the workplace after raising my children, I was advised to wear makeup for interviews, even though I do not wear makeup. I looked up interviewing tips online, and sure enough the consensus was that women who didn’t wear makeup don’t care enough, so probably wouldn’t be a conscientious employee. So, I wore some minimal makeup, colored the gray strands, got the job, and stopped wearing makeup. I wish I could say I let nature take its course with my hair color, but after surviving several layoffs where the majority of people laid off were 50 I kept my hair colored. A dozen years later I left the job (after several promotions) due to a family situation. The hair is growing in a beautiful shade of whitish-grey (which is covered now anyway, so only my husband sees it!) and I happily volunteer my time.
I grew up respecting my elders, and I still respect them. Yes, there are societal pressures, but we must teach our children and grandchildren that there is value no matter the age. It needs to start in the home, because they aren’t going to get that message elsewhere. If you stand in front of the mirror and make disparaging comments about your weight, wrinkles, and other things in the hearing of your children, you are teaching them a lesson you may not want them to learn.
(7) Maria, November 11, 2019 1:43 PM
Thank you
Thank you for your comments! I LOVE that Keanu Reeves’ girlfriend feels free and secure enough to let her hair go grey and refusing to go “under the knife” to look younger. I would affirm that our true beauty shines through from within. When we realize who we are in the LORD and whose we are, we can drop all the external choices for others and allow His beauty, love, light and grace to shine through! ???
(6) Anonymous, November 11, 2019 12:52 PM
Gorgeous, Emuna!! A wise and insightful definition of real self esteem and true beauty.
(5) Anonymous, November 11, 2019 6:54 AM
Aging is a blessing!
Beauty is only skin deep - the old adage is ever true. My husband released me to be my natural self many years ago, which makes him the more precious to me. In return, I tried to be the most naturally beautiful help-meet to him and made my mission to brighten his life. As I am 65 now, I have very little gray hair, am strong enough to work circles around some teenagers, have my own teeth and usually wear only a light moisture creme on my face. I've noticed that my husband seems completely satisfied with our life. It was the Creator's idea to have us end up wiser, slower, with wrinkles and big ears. It wasn't accidental. He does all things well. We embrace this phase of life as well as the others. We learn what we can, and are content to find ways to serve our Maker and fellow humans for as long as we can. Learning to accept ourselves as God made us and turning the focus toward him and others has made life joyful and tough times educational.
(4) Rowdy, November 10, 2019 11:58 PM
Well structured revelation. Probably inspired by the Almighty?
A wonderful article filled with, for me, surprises. As a white male chauvinist, lover of all things created, especially women and my wife in particular. I have great respect for women having been brought up by 2 exceptional ladies. My mother and grandmother taught me how to please most women with thoughtful words and deeds, careful consideration of their weaknesses, appreciation and acknowledgement of the woman's strengths. Sadly I didn't practice most of these things with them while they were alive. Yet they still loved me in spite of my shortcomings. A woman's greatest expression of love is their loyalty and faithfulness imo!
Thankfully the lessons learned from them as a child then a youth and young man are slowly being practiced and established with my precious wife/friend and our daughters.
(3) Anonymous, November 10, 2019 8:28 PM
I hate ageism
Yes, I color my hair and wear makeup. However, IMO it is possible to learn from people of all ages. Re: Friends suggesting Botox/plastic surgery. Really?! Ugh!
(2) Vered'Yaphah, November 10, 2019 7:46 PM
That's so true!
I had a friend who was Mormon, and she said, that the reason she wore makeup, was to impress her "female" friends at church. Not her husband. I thought that was strange. I've never heard any female say that. before.
(1) Anonymous, November 10, 2019 5:19 PM
JCM303 Story 7
The article about women judjing other women - Amen