After the death of my son, I wrote an article about “The do’s and don’ts” when expressing sympathy to a parent who lost a child. I saw how uncomfortable people were, how they were a loss for words, and I offered suggestions to families and friends offering condolences.
Traveling this unthinkable road I have found the same awkward and oftentimes hurtful behavior that is connected to suicide. Society attaches a stigma to suicide. Survivors of suicide loss may encounter blame, judgment or social exclusion, while mourners of loved ones who have died from terminal illness, accident, old age or other kinds of deaths usually receive sympathy and compassion.
The stigma overlooks the way my son lived, the bright, witty, gentle, loving young man he was, and focuses instead on his death. When someone suffering from cancer dies, we don’t reduce the person to the details of their death. We think of and remember the person, who they were, what they did in their lifetime, how they will be missed.
I could have been part of this group as well until my son took his own life.
My son suffered from schizophrenia and I would randomly be asked if he “committed suicide”. That is terribly hurtful and painful to the survivors of suicide. I was initially taken aback at the insensitivity. But when this occurred several times I realized it was less of an insensitivity issue and more of a curiosity, a fascination about the act itself, and a lack of understanding that a neurobiological illness is no different than cancer, diabetes, etc.
We tend to label the person as selfish, maybe crazy. We think they took the easy way out.
There is a captivation to suicide we choose not to admit. It scares us and fascinates us at the same time. We wonder what they were thinking during the minutes and hours before taking their life. Whether this is an act of bravery or cowardice on their part? If there is a part inside of us that has at times in our own lives can relate to this act?
We tend to label the person as selfish, maybe crazy. We think they took the easy way out.
Well let me tell you, it’s almost always none of these. The primary goal of a suicide is not to end life, but to end pain.
My son was unable to hold onto any semblance of pain going away. While some may argue that a person who dies by suicide has done so by their own choice, in many cases serious mental illness limits choice, and this debilitation is recognized by Jewish law. My son was the bravest person I knew. He, like so many others, went to battle every day, every night, for 15 years.
My son, and I know I am speaking for hundreds of others, tried for years to have a normal life, with normal jobs, friends, everything most of us take for granted. But those who struggle with mental health issues don’t take anything for granted. If they have one hour of peace, one hour of productive work, one hour of a meaningful relationship, they are grateful. And year after year, month after month, day after day of dealing with horrendous demons does not make them selfish or crazy.
Their intense pain blinds them from seeing the possibility of a peaceful life in their future. Had he lived perhaps in 20 years there might have been a cure.
I am by no means an advocate of taking one’s life. What I am an advocate of and will fight ferociously for is to erase the stigma connected to suicide so our loved ones will be given the respect they deserve, and the survivors will never feel ashamed, isolated or Judged.
Judaism views suicide as a sin. But the suicide of someone suffering from serious mental illness is more akin to a death by a disease.
For some who have been blessed not to have any mental health issues in their lives (it affects one family member in five) schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression unfortunately seem to define the individual. We say this person is schizophrenic, is bipolar, is depressed. We never say, “Janet is cancer.” Yes, it’s an issue of semantics, but I think it also conveys so much more. Our loved ones who suffer from a mental illness must not be defined by their illness or their death.
Judaism views suicide as a sin. Life is a precious gift bestowed by God. It is not ours to treat cavalierly. But the suicide of someone suffering from serious mental illness is more akin to a death by a disease, which it is. Under these horrific circumstances, the taking of one’s life is not entirely one’s volition. Recognizing this gives much comfort to the families.
In the United States, someone dies by suicide every 13 minutes, and each death intimately affects at least six others, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those who are directly affected include immediate family members, relatives, neighbors, friends, fellow students and/or co-workers.
I spoke with my heart at my son’s funeral about his life and struggles, explaining what we and others face when dealing with mental health issues, particularly schizophrenia. I felt Jake was there with me, and I was speaking through him.
In the days thereafter as friends and family came to offer their condolences and support, the outpouring of thanks for sharing my story was overwhelming. If there was any comfort to be found, it was from these expressions of gratitude and knowing a new light was shed to help others.
(36) Anonymous, June 13, 2018 8:16 AM
My son (26) lives on the brink of suicide every day. Any advice?
Dear Toby, I too have a son much like yours. For the past 9 years he struggles to stay in this world. He is sweet, good, kind, very bright and very sensitive to the pain in this world. I would like to be in direct contact with you to discuss what you could advise me to do differently to help him find a comfort zone in this life. Thanks so much for sharing ❤️
(35) Nancy, November 25, 2016 11:50 AM
I am so very sorry.
In my lifetime, I have known 2 people who have committed suicide. (Please forgive me for not giving out further details.) I watched the surviving family members become quiet and withdrawn, and wished that I could do more for them. Could my family members have prevented these suicides? Am I being naive here? To the author and all of the other commenters, let me just once again tell you how deeply sorry I am for your respective losses.
(34) ottenstein, November 18, 2016 8:43 PM
my sons suicide
my son Eliyahu was 17 and mentally ill when he jumped off the roof of our apartment building
I understand the pain
(33) Anonymous, November 18, 2016 8:13 AM
My Son’s Suicide - The Frustration
My son was depressed since childhood. Last Feb. at 42 yrs. old he Killed himself. He left a fair-well letter saying exactly the words Toby Weitzman said: "Depression is an illness that kills you in the end like cancer. I don't blame anybody - I just could't suffer anymore".
We are not religious family. He was spiritual guy and ask to be cremated. Among all our feeling of sadness, understanding, guilt, , we are also anger at him for killing our son ... thank for the article sister Toby.
(32) B. Pogin, November 17, 2016 10:49 AM
some considerations about suicide ban
there are many ways to look at the suicide issue. The life force, chai, is diminished in many ways. I think one that we experience and which is our history too, is humiliation and slavery. If one is enslaved, feels to be enslaved and is humiliated, bullied, over and over, the wish to die, or/and setting up the conditions for that, or enacting suicide on other and daily levels, may well be set up. how as a nation and people, are we on the side of Chai., in daily life, and how are rather on the side of enslavement of others for our own singular or personal benefit? As a people and as individuals, and as family members? I think there are reminders, continually in our teachings about the question of leaving things up to HaShem, and G-d's will versus, we as humans, taking a hand in providing naches and aid to humans, and actually other life forms. There is now even the issue/question of rocks-and water-which both we are., and both we need to survive, which are now under attack by those who feel $$ and gain is prime. How we treat others on a daily basis , how we treat ourselves I feel is more important thant medical dictums and diagnoses concerning the insanity issue. love and thinking of you and your loss.
(31) Beatrice, November 16, 2016 8:35 PM
alternative view of 'mental illness'
If society and authorities repeatedly tell and orchestrate conditions telling an individual that the person' has a diseased brain, then that pressure, those conditions have consequences. For the person in question and those around him or her. Power and subjection. Much of what is taunted as mental illness has no or very little scrupulously examination. That this construct provides jobs for many in our now service economy and also protects many from dealing with interpersonal problems-shielding society, as was the initial reason for the insane asylum is also true. My parents both suicide, I've considered it regularly, but while there is more than good reason for me to kill myself, for some reason I don't . I think that even the social supports we had in the 50's and 60's, for as many problems there were then, suicide was not as common,m and there was more interaction and natural helping one another and the hearing of one another-I think among many groups and types of people. More of this and something like the old fashioned town hall meeting where neighbors, families business people get together to solve problems woud help. i'm not a fan of doctors or psychiatric diagnosis, my mother went to her death after the hospital gave her the junk to go home and do it with. They didn't hear or listen., and they didn't help me either.
(30) Phyllis, November 16, 2016 5:49 PM
Death
Thank you so much for sharing People need to hear this we should not be made to feel ashamed. When Joe took his life I felt shame like maybe we were to blame but he had bipolar and twenty years he lived in pain I believe God has a special place in his heart for ones that have no control over there mind. Its like Alzheimer’s they lose touch. God bless you and your family and may you take great joy in having known him loved him they were as much a part of our life as God is .
(29) Shosh, November 15, 2016 5:27 PM
The truth is life
(28) Roz Steiner, November 15, 2016 3:24 PM
As Jake's Aunt,I know so well the pain he suffered,and now his family suffers,but,I keep reminding myself that he chose to seek peace and he would wish all of us peace with his decision.
(27) jane, November 15, 2016 3:16 PM
we remember the person
its not a sin, its viewed an extension of the illness that unfortunately invaded our lives.
Yes we remember the great person in life as he or she lived and all the joy the brought us and the world.
(26) Baily Kahan, November 15, 2016 1:16 AM
Excellent article! May you and your family have comfort in knowing that you always tried and did the best by him!
(25) Naomi, November 14, 2016 8:14 PM
Thank you for your article. My sister is bipolar and a heroin addict. She can die any day or take her own life, she has tried. I wish people would understand that she is sick suffering and in pain. She deserves the same prayers and compassion as any cancer patient. Thank you I hope your article opens peoples eyes.
(24) Jodi, November 14, 2016 3:54 PM
Thank-You
I also lost a son to suicide, just short of his 25th birthday. Thank-you so much for writing this article. It is a comfort to me to know there are others out there that understand. May your son's memory be a blessing to all that knew and loved him.
(23) Anonymous, November 14, 2016 11:13 AM
Thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing with us.
You are right, suicide is a scary issue to discuss, and we all want to run away. After reading your article, I now understand a little more about mental illness, about suicide, and about how to relate to families in grief. I now realize how important it is to show care, even when I myself am unsure what to say or do.
(22) Meyer, November 14, 2016 9:31 AM
On the mark
bS"D
Shalom Toby:
Thank you for your insightful observations. Suicide (Chas v'Shalom) to end PAIN not Life.
Jake, a"h was 15. Gematria of a NAME of Hashem which means Chesed (Mercy) of the Highest order.
Shalom to you and yours.
(21) Anonymous, November 14, 2016 7:09 AM
May God comfort you
I do not doubt that anyone who commits suicide was in excruciating emotional pain and unable to stop themselves from taking this drastic step when all else failed . I know of several suicides and it is heartbreaking to the family and friends . I am glad you had the strength to explain it to people and pray you have simchas tonsjare henceforth .
(20) Anonymous, November 14, 2016 4:31 AM
Helpful and complex halachicly
Thank u for sharing. Most people don't experience unending intense pain where suicide seems a healthy way out. Maybe it is but I believe Jewish law says not and option so the way around it seems to be that the victim of mental illness was not in his right mind control when he took his life. That does not ring true I think when facing unending physical or mental pain the option of suicide may be a rational choice. May we all be saved from such a challenge. For sure we can't judge.
(19) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 11:28 PM
What a heartbreaking story. May the family see comfort, but please please do not try to remove the stigma of suicide. It is a horrible terrible thing and should not be normalized! Stigmas have their time and place.
(18) Sheldon Kauffman, November 13, 2016 11:18 PM
I can only they to the fool that wrote the first coment
he has his own issues in being so incestive in someone
losing a child . He is either incompetent or needs attention
on this site . I wonder how he would be feeling if he lost a
child and or having to deal with Jake did everyday of his life .
This person has NO COMMOM SENCE . My heart hurts for Toby
and Jake .
(17) Howard mallinger, November 13, 2016 11:11 PM
Loss
No matter what anyone says or does, the tradegy of losing a loved one is a life altering experience. My deepest sympathy and prayers for you and your family.
(16) Libby A. Adams, November 13, 2016 8:40 PM
Mental illness
Mental illness is something that G-d does not hold against us or the outcome of it. And those who think this don't know G-d. Sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing.
(15) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 6:54 PM
Thank you for this very brave article about your son.
I feel that it shed much light and truth about mental illness. I was unaware of of the importance of how to phrase, and understanding correctly the suffering of the people who have mental illness, and of their families.
I sincerely wish all of the best to you, and I bless you that G-d should comfort you.
(14) jim, November 13, 2016 6:53 PM
HaShem comfort this parent!
may He be with you always! i have been privy to too many suicides, they all have been untimely and undeserved, mental health is always a factor and advancements are urgently needed!
(13) Dalene, November 13, 2016 6:45 PM
It is so true!! My heart is aching for you. God be with you.
(12) Alon Tolwin, November 13, 2016 6:33 PM
a rodef
A "rodef" is someone who is chasing someone else to kill or harm them. One who sees this is commanded to kill the rodef to save the life of the one who is being pursued. In our crazy world, there are those who plagued by illness, Illness sometimes creates a new reality, a false one and one that threatens the life of the one who imagines this reality. The demons become overwhelming and the only way out may seem like taking the life of the pursuer to save the victim. This is a tragic reality that we must deal with. To call this murder is to completely misunderstand and ignore the pain that one can feel in the face of these demons. We can only pray that our children do not have to suffer these demons and that they can develop the ability to live sane lives. In today's world many people worship the make believe and seek sensational outlets for boredom and actually foster insanity. It is no wonder that there are those who see no point to life that justifies the pain.
Shame on the writer from what she wrote.
God help us find sanity and joy in everyday life. The pain the the currency we spend to find meaning. We must teach our children to pursue that meaning and be beyond sensitive if they are unable to do so.
(11) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 6:05 PM
Reply to: Wilson Shoshana
Shameful. You are in no position to make these awful comments. It strikes me as odd, that the editors of this forum did not remove it. Worse, the comments cause pain and suffering to a fellow Jew, to which halacha requires compensation. Desist. You have no business to cause pain and suffering to other human beings, regardless of your personal opinions. The halacha in any given situation is demanded of our great and holy poskei hador to make such complex decisions, on a case-by-case basis. Whatever the outcome, it is not our place to judge, but rather to offer consolation, love, comfort and support to our fellow Jews who so need it, under such difficult circumstances. Shame on you for even thinking that such a comment would be helpful. It causes animosity and hatred amongst people.
(10) Hinda, November 13, 2016 6:02 PM
What????
After this grieving, compassionate mother has opened up her heart and written such a beautiful article what a slap in the face to receive a comment such as Wilson Shoshana has posted!
My thoughts and prayers are with you Toby Weitzman. You are a brave lady. May Hashem send you all the strength that you need to get through this difficult time.
(9) Judith Cohen, November 13, 2016 5:28 PM
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. My cousin ended her life after many years of suffering a mental illness (never properly diagnosed), and so did my nephew's brother-in-law. No one can feel the parent's anguish. May you be comforted!
(8) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 5:14 PM
Thank You
Thank you so much for broadening my understanding of suicide and mental illness.Your words spoken straight from a mothers heart impacted me greatly.May you and your family know of no more sorrow.Please know you have made a big difference in eradicating stigma with this beautiful and authentic piece of writing,
(7) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 4:46 PM
My beautiful,sweet kind grandson Ben of 15 years took his life almost 3 years ago..He suffered from BPD and at times his mental anguish was heartbreaking..One night he ended the pain,leaving a broken dad who lost his lone adorable child ! Now we are left with the pain and suffering and he is in the loving arms of Hashem..
Thank you for sharing your story,words of comfort and long life for you !
(6) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 4:44 PM
losing hope
It is no wonder your son lost hope after 15 years of suffering. I don't know why G-d tests people with thus. But I do know that no one who has not personally experienced the same exact trial can be in a position to judge him. And, of course, since no two people are the same, no once can know what your son went through. I understand what you have suffered more than I would like, unfortunately.
And you have shown bravery and courage advocating for people who suffer from mental illness. Thank you.
(5) Leah, November 13, 2016 4:29 PM
My beloved brother died by suicide many years ago. I can still remember what his voice sounded like as a young person. There were insensitive people who said all suicides are ximmitted by druggies; lowlifes etc...wrong. He suffered immensely and this article tells something accurately: they seek to get rid of their pain, not their life.
(4) Pamela Fender, November 13, 2016 4:24 PM
I know all too well
Toby, thank you for sharing what needs to be spoken worldwide. My twin brother also suicided. I didn't understand about his mental illness until after I lost him. Those whose comments include that it was a selfish act need to be educated to the fact that these individuals struggled with pain, even though no one can "see" it. I miss him everyday. I published my memoir which includes a big portion of my twin's death and what surrounded it. Beside Myself- The Recovery From My Family Betrayal and Estrangement. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. I feel your pain. May his memory always be a blessing.
(3) Elina Ahvenus, November 13, 2016 3:45 PM
Be blessed!
I'm Finnish, Christian psychiatrist working with patients who suffer from schitsophrenia. I want to thank you for these warm and wise words! I hope many can read this article and will be blessed.
(2) Nicole, November 13, 2016 3:36 PM
Reply to Shoshana
Shoshana- I think you may want to reread the article. If anyone wonders why such an article is needed, this comment answers that query.
(1) Rick Abrams, November 13, 2016 2:46 PM
Ms Weitzman - I cried reading your beautiful article. I too lost my son by suicide and he, like your son, suffered horribly with schizophrenia. The stigma some associate with suicide is simple ignorance. In most cases, it is not malicious. Through your writing, you will educate those people and honor your son's memory. Because of the nature of mental illness, most families like ours battle the illness in private. My wife always says "No one brings you brownies when your child has a mental illness." Thank God most people don't know our struggle Ms Weitzman. Instead of the cowardice they see in the final act; I wish they could, for one minute, understand the horrendous isolation these people feel, the minute by minute difficulty in parsing reality from delusion, the difficult side effects endured from medication after medication or the simple pain in the knowledge that a once normal life will never be normal again. Like you, I know the pain my son was in and I understand his decision. Sometimes, the fight is more than we have in us. While I cry every day that he is gone, and I selfishly wish he could have continued to fight, he remains my hero for the valiant fight he did put up. Thank you for shedding light on the insanity of this stigma. I know your pain and I pray for you.