Going through infertility involves many struggles. First, there’s the trying-to-get-pregnant part. Ovulation kits, fertility clinics, and failed treatment after failed treatment... it’s easy to lose hope.
The second struggle is sometimes more complicated: dealing with the loneliness and feelings of isolation within the community. It often feels like everybody else has kids and no one else is going through this.
I first had the idea to write a book on my experience with infertility when I was sitting with a bunch of peers, and the conversation soon led to babies: car seats, sleeping schedules, diapers, and baby food. Sitting there, the only woman without a child, I just wanted to shrink until I disappeared.
My husband and I had been trying to conceive for some time, and we were just beginning to explore our options beyond natural remedies and at-home cures. It was fresh and the isolation stung. A thought popped in my head. “If I would write a book on infertility, I would write a page about this.” The next few months, every time I felt a disappointing thought, endure a pointed question, or got another negative pregnancy test, I jotted it down. I wanted to use my collected ideas to help others in a similar situation, to break the taboo, to relieve the loneliness, and to raise sensitivity among those not going through the struggle.
I hope that my husband and I are close to the end of our struggle with infertility. I also hope that the book I worked on can be a powerful resource to Jewish communities in supporting those who are going through infertility and giving insight to the struggle to promote sensitivity and awareness to those who aren’t.
Below are a few of the pages highlighting my not-a-parent thoughts.
Click here to purchase your copy of My Not a Parent Thoughts
Yesh Tikva provides psychosocial resources and tools to those struggling with infertility and to raise awareness and sensitivity on the subject throughout the Jewish community. Yesh Tikva was established to end the silence and create a Jewish community of support for all Jewish people facing infertility. To learn more, visit us at www.YeshTikva.org.
(14) I R, May 15, 2018 12:50 AM
thanks for sharing tour painful experience
understanding the yearning for a natural child, a cautious question in case of continued lack thereof : would you consider to adopt? probably not what tou want to hear right now but if tou really want to be a parent, you can ... with Love from a fellow infertile woman..
(13) Anonymous, April 28, 2018 7:24 PM
Helping large families
This is a beautiful idea and very much needed. I bless the author that Hashem should answer her tefilos very soon. I was married almost 5 years before my first child was born. I started going to large families and helping them on Erev Shabbos and Yom Tov; babysitting, helping to cook, etc. I always received many blessings from these hard-working mothers, who really appreciated my help. I don't know if this is for everybody, but it did help me get through this challenging time.
(12) Anonymous, April 27, 2018 4:30 PM
As a man it's hard to relate...but
....being 64yo and never married without children but always wanted a family I spend a great deal of time.questioning "why/not?" Why isn't there love in My* life and a family to care for? Especially when I see news reports of parents who neglect or abuse their children. All I can say is everyone with any of these issues is in My* prayers.
(11) Anonymous, April 24, 2018 3:00 AM
The majority of you missed the entire point of this brave women's article
AHHHHHHHHH! These comments repeat all the classic mistakes that the author has tried to educate you about! What does she have to do, draw you a picture? Oh! She already did!!! But you're still not getting it. Don't suggest things you know NOTHING about. Do you think the author doesn't know about IVF or adoption or Hashem? She needs you to tell her? Please, think before you comment. The whole point of the book is to educate people to be more sensitive and aware BEFORE opening their mouths. To the author: your drawings are perfect descriptions of what it's like to be infertile in the Jewish community. Don't forget to add another drawing of how you shared your drawings and got these totally oblivious responses back. All the best to you and your husband. Thank you for your bravery. Stay strong!
Anonymous, April 24, 2018 4:35 PM
Completely agree with post #11!!!
Anonymous, April 25, 2018 8:45 AM
Didn’t miss the point
I was one of the people who commented.
Every person here is TRYING to give chizuk! We know that this nisayon is exceedingly painful. We are not insensitive to what she wrote. Of course she knows all about everything that was suggested.
All theses comments were written to give her hope.
You are correct- she was very brave to write this.
(10) Anonymous, April 23, 2018 11:44 PM
Yes, you can have children.
Eight doctors told us we'd never have our own children. Some recommended adoption. We didn't listen We have four of our own now. Remember that the aleph-bays starts with the aleph of emmunah and ends with the taf of tikvah.
(9) Anonymous, April 23, 2018 2:49 PM
Adoption?
With great sympathy for your challenge, I wonder if adoption is an option for couples like this. Surely there are wonderful Jewish babies in need of adoption.
(8) Anonymous, April 23, 2018 3:58 AM
I ask forgiveness if I sound insensitive. I have been reading Rabbi David Ashear’s books ‘Living Emuna’ which are very inspiring. I can’t remember which volume it was, but there was a story about a couple that was told they couldn’t have children. How did the wife deal with the situation? She made a beautiful meal and told her husband that they shouldn’t fall apart about their situation, but accept that this from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. To make a long story short, they ended up having a child.
I hope you too will have a child.
(7) Anonymous, April 22, 2018 11:52 PM
Those illustrations are terrific!
They are "spot-on"!
I had a different challenge with community insensitivity, but I appreciate what you are attempting and wish you "hatzlacha" (success).
(6) Anonymous, April 22, 2018 8:58 PM
Have you tried all medical options??
We are very sorry to hear this. We want to be sure you have clearly diagnosed the reason for no children. There are expert fertility clinics. Have you explored all of them. Maybe Israel has good ones, but there are excellent ones at nyu & university of Texas. Maybe in vitro or even surrogate options should be considered,. HaShem should bless you with children , but you can't rely on nissim. Please send us good news IY
(5) Rebecca, April 22, 2018 5:35 PM
This is difficult
This must be very painful for couples struggling with this issue. However, before resorting to the very expensive fertility treatments, I have read that acupuncture and bee superfood, Royal Jelly supplements have done wonders for those wanting to conceive.
(4) Anonymous, April 22, 2018 4:32 PM
Thank you dear author for this article and this wonderful and insightful book. I recommend it to all regardless of one's personal situation.
(3) Sara Vogel, April 22, 2018 4:14 PM
would love to meet you
Hi author of this article. Your cartoons are so accurate to the way infertility feels. The good thing is that, although expensive, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As a result of my difficult experience, I created Bundles of Joy,LLC and have helped many couples match with Jewish donors and surrogates. I would love to get to know you. BTW, I hope you do not mind but will use your cartoons on the company FB in the month of May.
(2) Shlomo Elspas, April 22, 2018 3:39 PM
But I'll be menschlich
Insensitivity was the best I ever got from anyone, save two people, during all those painful, lonely, isolating (and costly!) years. The worst I got was just cruel. So when I receive solicitations to support and help pay for the treatments of others, I give them exactly what the insensitive Jewish community gave me--NOTHING. Where were they when I needed them? But I'm menschlich. At least I don't make cruel comments and worsen the suffering of childless couples.
(1) Judith Herzog, April 22, 2018 3:21 PM
One thought...
I often wonder why "infertile" people do not seem to consider adoption... Do they want to be parents or do they want to be pregnant? Those are 2 different things? There are so many children in the world who need parents and families... While I understand the desire to produce a child "of your own," I also understand that there is more than one way to do just that.