My husband and I checked into our hotel room with plenty of time to get ready for our five o'clock treatments at the hotel spa. All I had to do was phone into my New York publisher the final corrections for my new book.
I sat down at the desk, munching on the cake provided by the hotel, and dialed. The line was busy. Five minutes later the receptionist picked up, but my editor was not at her desk. By the time I finally succeeded in delivering the corrections, it was 4:40.
I scrambled to get ready for my treatment. As I took off my watch and gold pendant and placed them on the desk, my husband, who hates when I make him late, told me that he was putting my wallet into the safe in the closet. He was already standing at the door when I noticed my opal ring on my finger. I quickly took it off and placed it next to my watch. Then we zipped off.
After our treatments, my husband went to the hotel shul to pray the afternoon prayers, and I returned to our room. As I approached, I saw that the door to our room was wide open, and the maid was just exiting. At first I was startled, but then I realized that the amenities of a five-star hotel sometimes include an evening cleaning. I smiled and thanked her, but she didn't return my smile.
I noticed right away that she had cleaned the desk. The cake crumbs were gone and the manuscript pages, which I had left helter-skelter, were in a neat pile. Fifteen minutes later, when I had finished dressing for dinner, I went to put on my jewelry. The watch and gold pendant were exactly where I had left them, but the ring was missing.
Either my husband had put the ring in the safe or the maid had stolen it.
I searched under every object on the desk. I looked all over the floor. With mounting panic, I checked the entire room and the bathroom, although I was absolutely sure that I had left the ring on the desk, next to my watch.
There were only two possibilities: either my husband had put the ring in the safe or the maid had stolen it. I had no way to check the safe; the credit card to unlock it was with my husband, who was in the middle of his prayers. Besides, I vaguely remembered that he was already standing at the door when I took off my ring. As for the maid, a glance down the hall revealed that she had finished our floor and was standing by the service elevator. If I confronted her immediately, while she still had the ring on her, perhaps she would return it. Once she went home, I realized with a sinking feeling, I would never get my ring back.
I loved that ring with its glistening blue opals, a gift from my husband for my birthday this year. In the back of my mind, I heard a whispered warning: "You're not allowed to hastily accuse the maid. There are mitzvot [commandments of the Torah] that apply here." But the whisper was drowned out by the loud shriek: "I WANT MY RING BACK!"
I darted down the hall. Through clenched teeth, I said to the maid in Hebrew, "My ring is missing. If you give it back to me now, I promise I won't say anything to anyone."
She looked at me expressionless. "Which room is yours?" she asked with a Russian accent.
"Room 710."
She started walking to my room. She wants to give it back to me in private, I surmised with satisfaction. I was glad I had acted quickly.
Standing beside the desk, I pointed to the scene of the crime. "The ring was right here. I know I left it right here."
Instead of handing me the ring, she started canvassing the floor. Angrily, I repeated my offer: "If you give it back to me right now, I won't tell anyone. I just want my ring back."
The maid looked at me with steely eyes. "I have worked here for six years," she fairly spit the words at me, "and I have never stolen anything."
My accusation ricocheted back and hit me with full force.
At that moment, I knew she was telling the truth. My accusation ricocheted back and hit me with full force. She was not guilty of any wrongdoing, but I was guilty of transgressing the Torah by hurting a vulnerable person with my words.
It turned out that my memory of the sequence of events had tricked me. Before we left the room, while I was rushing to get ready, my husband had put the ring into the safe.
IT'S THE MONEY
The ring was worth $175, not a trifling amount in our family budget, but certainly not worth transgressing the Torah for it. That night, as I agonized over how I had allowed myself to contravene my own standard of behavior, a scene out of a B movie occurred to me: If a sleazy character had sidled up to me and said, "I'll pay you $175 to ignore one of the Torah's commandments," I would have responded with outrage: "How dare you! I would never ignore a single mitzvah for $175, or for ten times that amount. You can't buy me off!"
But, in fact, that's exactly what I had done; I had allowed myself to compromise my moral standards for $175. If I had quieted my shrieking mind long enough to weigh the matter, I could have asked myself: "If you don't hastily accuse the maid and she really did steal it, what's the most you would lose?" The answer would have been: "$175 and the time it takes to walk to the jewelry store five minutes from our house and buy a new ring."
If someone offered you several thousand dollars to never speak to your brother or sister again, you might answer with indignation, "My relationship with my sister/brother is not for sale!" Yet how many adult siblings engage in furious fights, and even lifelong feuds, over the terms of their parents' will?
A startling statistic claims that over half of all divorces are caused by squabbles over finances. At first it seems preposterous that a thinking adult would choose the pain and loneliness of divorce, as well as the psychological scars it inflicts on children, over any amount of money. However, the financial rift is usually so buried in layers of other issues that one rarely sees the reality for what it is.
My friend Marcia once told me this story: Marcia's husband Barry had lent $5,000 to an old college friend of his, Neil. Marcia had never liked Neil, and, since their finances were never flush, she was horrified that Barry had lent him such a sum. Barry hadn't consulted her, however, so she could only hope that Neil would pay the money back.
About a year later, Marcia, a fellow writer, got an advance on her next book. She was thrilled to be able to deposit $5,000 into the family vacation fund. That very night, Barry broached what was clearly a painful subject for him. Their car and house insurance was due and he had hoped to pay it with the repayment of the money he had loaned to Neil, but Neil, after several reminders, had finally confessed that he didn't have any way to pay back the money. They would have to use Marcia's $5,000 for the insurance.
Marcia went ballistic. She had never approved of the loan, and now that Barry's low-life friend had reneged on the repayment, she would have to sacrifice the family vacation?! "If you so much as touch my $5,000, I'll never speak to you again!" she cried as she stalked off.
She took a walk around the block, fuming over her husband's gullibility in trusting that low-life. By her third time around the block, though, it suddenly occurred to her: If someone had approached her and said, "I'll pay you $5,000 to turn your home into a battleground," she would have scoffed at the offer. But here she was, sacrificing her marital harmony for $5,000.
"Yes, my husband's a lousy judge of character," Marcia thought to herself. "And he was wrong to lend money without consulting me. But if $5,000 would drop out of the sky right now, I'd be big enough to forgive all his faults."
As the maxim goes: Whenever someone says, "It's not the money, it's the principle," know for sure that it's the money.
"WITH ALL YOUR MONEY"
The second line of "Shema Yisrael" states: "And you should love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might." The classical commentaries explain that "with all your heart" means with both your good and bad inclinations, "with all your soul" means with your very life, and "with all your might" means with all your money. Since the mitzvah seems to be stated in order of ascending difficulty, the question is asked how loving God with all your money can be more difficult than giving up your life. The answer: "Some people love their money more than their life."
None of us is immune to the power of money to distort our values and corrupt our choices.
This Talmudic teaching used to make me think of wealthy German Jews in the 1930s, who chose not to leave Germany without their property and paid for that choice with their lives. After my debacle with my opal ring, however, I realized that none of us is immune to the power of money to distort our values and corrupt our choices. Sad to say, we all have our price.
The cure for this Faustian predicament is to clearly identify the two sides of the choice. If we could strip away the layers of principles, and expose the choice for what it is, we would be shocked to discover how often we are swayed by money.
Next time you're involved in an interpersonal dispute with a relative, friend, or neighbor, ask yourself what amount of money could solve the problem. For example, let's say your neighbors' pet rabbit escaped from its cage and feasted on your beautiful flower bed. You politely asked your neighbors, with whom you've always had a good relationship, to make sure that the children are more careful to latch the cage, and you asked your gardener to replace the ravaged annuals with new plants. Several weeks later, the rabbit again escaped and devastated your annuals. This has now become a point of real conflict between you and your neighbors, causing you no end of aggravation. The problem is, of course, that your neighbors are not sufficiently responsible, don't watch their children closely enough, and don't teach their children their civic duty. But if you asked yourself how many times in a summer's growing season the rabbit gets out and how much it would cost you to simply replace the annuals that number of times, you would realize that you could purchase peace with your neighbors for less than $100.
Keep a "shalom fund" to reestablish peace when disputes with relatives and neighbors arise.
One rabbi recommends that just as you put away money into a vacation fund or a retirement fund, so you should keep a "shalom fund." Then, when disputes arise with relatives and neighbors, you can use that money to reestablish peace. In the long run, such a "shalom fund" pays off, not only morally, but also physically. Isn't it worth spending $100 rather than getting an ulcer or high blood pressure?
BUYING YOURSELF OFF FOR THE GOOD
As Rosh Hashana approaches, we are bidden to improve ourselves, to do tshuva, to undertake to make better choices this new year. Awareness of our human propensity to be bought off can help us make better choices in two ways.
The first is to call that sleazy dark figure out of the shadows and identify him clearly. Whenever you find yourself involved in an argument either about money or that could be solved by money, visualize that mobster-like character offering you, "I'll pay you x amount of dollars to sacrifice your ___ (moral standard, relationship with your spouse or sibling, harmony in your life, etc.)." Then ask yourself, "Am I really willing to be bought off for that amount of money?"
The second device is to buy yourself off for the sake of good. If you can't bring yourself to do something worthwhile but difficult, buy yourself off! For example, this new year, you want to establish a better relationship with your parents, but every phone conversation degenerates into their pressing your buttons and your responding rudely. Tell yourself: "For every five minutes on the phone with my parents that I don't speak a disrespectful word, I'll give myself $10 toward that new x that I've been wanting but really can't afford." You'll be amazed at how quickly you can reach new heights of parental respect.
As the Talmud says: If you do the right thing for a base motive (such as money), you'll eventually end up doing the right thing for its own sake.
We can also harness our propensity to be bought off by asking ourselves: "I can't say a civil word to my brother-in-law, but if he suddenly gave me $1,000, would I change my behavior toward him?" An honest, "yes" should lead us to the next stage: "If I would do it for $1,000, why not just do it for the sake of harmony in the family?"
Jack Benny used to tell the following joke: "When I was on my way here tonight, a mugger held me up at gunpoint and threatened, ‘Your money or your life. [PAUSE] I SAID, YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE!'
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking!" was the famous cheapskate's reply.
Our moral choices are often between "your money or your life." As the Torah instructs, "Choose life."
(33) Eve, November 22, 2015 3:52 AM
A new perspective! Thank you!
This is a great article. Thank you! It is really helping me to reconsider the ongoing argument my husband and I have over large sums of money for his mother (we've already given her $60,000 for various things, meaning we didn't have enough money to buy a house, only a unit). His mother now wants us to buy her a house (she's selling her house but has a large mortgage). This is not easy at all as we're not talking about $100 or $5,000 like in the article. We certainly are not rich by any stretch of the imagination. We are a one-income family. However, I love my husband and our marriage is priceless. Thank you for helping to refocus on life and what is important. I'm not saying I'll cave and just put ourselves in debt for my mother-in-law's advantage but it does help me to put things in perspective. There has to be a reasonable solution that won't cost our marriage. I want to choose life over money. I've been struggling with this for some time. Thank you for the new perspective! Baruch HaShem for your article.
(32) Howard Sanshuck, November 13, 2015 5:35 PM
Wills and such
I think that no one wants to be denied their rightful portion of a Will. It is possible that the child who receives more is more deserving of a larger portion of the will. But sometimes its about a parent showing favoritism towards one sibling over another. Unfortunately, there is no good answer. As far as accusing someone over a small amount of money, I agree. It should not be an issue. Did the author apologize to the maid?
(31) Miriam, November 13, 2015 10:45 AM
Incredible article.
Very powerful.
Wealthy Jews in Germany? I don't know how accurate your portrayal is. No one, in the farthest recesses of their minds, could have dreamed up the Holocaust. A painful and dangerous statement.
(30) Johnny D, September 19, 2011 3:32 PM
That really struck home
Oh Sara! The "sibling rift over parent's will" situation is something I have been struggling with for a long time. I believe the problem was not so much about the money, although it involved a considerable sum, but just as much about the shock of realizing that my only sister was capable of such wrongdoing and her subsequent lies in order to try to cover it up. At the end of the day though, your wise words carry more weight than my feelings of disillusionment and wounded pride. Shalom.
(29) Jenny, October 7, 2008 3:41 AM
Courageous article!
Kol Hacavod for courageously sharing an action I know I am often guilty of, and possibly many others are, and for putting the money vs morals into perspective. So often we are wise and regretful after the event. May Hashem help us to be moral before we make our choices and to have a good year!
(28) anonymous, September 28, 2008 3:25 PM
really enjoyed
great article really brings home a point! what ever happened to the ring? Shanah tova to all!
(27) Anonymous, April 4, 2008 9:22 PM
This is a very interesting, my only problem is the part where the wealthy German Jews of the 1930s are mentioned. It almost appears as if it is trying to imply that these individuals were too consumed by material possessions to leave.
However, did they know the true amount of danger that their lives were in? If I understand correctly, the death camps weren't fully established until the very early 40's, so is it fair to say that in the 1930s they chose their materials over their lives when they very well may not have known what the hatred of the nazis would soon escalate to?
Also, Germany was their home and many individuals throughout history have decided to stay during rough times because it is the land they know. I just did not like how these unfortunate people were portrayed in this article.
Johnny D, September 19, 2011 3:18 PM
Materialism in context
A very valid point indeed!
Kingsdaughter613, May 12, 2020 2:41 PM
Most of them just couldn’t leave. There was no one who would take them. And many did leave. They went to their families in EUROPE. How were they supposed to know that there was no safe place for them on the ENTIRE CONTINENT?!
ELLIOTT BARAL, August 6, 2020 4:44 PM
Leaving/staying -- that probably wasn't the issue
... because, as you point out, the Germans subsequently conquered Europe. And Jews in Poland or France probably never reached the point of considering where to flee until after the Germans had already conquered their countries and it was too late.
So if flight wasn't the issue, what *was* the issue?
Perhaps the decision they (and we now, especially with Elul coming up) might have considered was whether to return to Torah and mitzvos. I'm told it's never to late to do tshuvah.
(26) Anonymous, November 2, 2007 12:03 AM
thank you
Dear Sarah Yocheved;
Thank you so much for sharing your gifts with us. your work is truely inspiring.
(25) Anonymous, September 11, 2007 4:10 AM
this was the best ever thanks I sent it to all my friends.
(24) Anonymous, September 11, 2007 2:52 AM
Wow,
My first newsletter from this site and it struck me to the core. I saw not only my self in the article but also many of my loved ones. Money truly is the root of all evil. The lengths one goes to obtain it. The selfish choices made spending it. The concern over possessions it purchased. The anger and ill will caused by owing or being owed. Even the fears and anxieties of having enough in the future. It is such a shame that all of life's basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter are caught up in the cycle of money. No wonder it causes so much disharmony in marriage and in life.
Thank you,
(23) Anonymous, September 8, 2007 3:41 PM
Love it!
I LOVE this article, but that's nothing new because I love all of yours. Especially love how you brought in the flip side too, "buying" yourself good deeds you'd otherwise have a hard time doing. This one's for my printer!
(22) manuel, September 6, 2007 7:11 PM
Excelent article
No comments. Something to think about
(21) Cheryl, September 5, 2007 12:50 PM
my price
I always thought I had too much integrity to be bought by anyone, but after reading this article it became obvious I too have a price! May G_d have mercy on me! Thank you for the wake up call!
(20) Mikha'el Makovi, September 5, 2007 6:40 AM
A story of a rabbi
A story I read: A certain rabbi had become involved in a monetary dispute with a man, in which the rabbi was owed X dollars. He took the man to beit din, where the man falsely swore that he owed nothing. The rabbi flew into a rage, saying "It's not the money; it's the principle: how could he falsely swear??!!"
A few years later, the rabbi was visiting another town, and dropped in on a beit din proceding, with an identical case. A owes money to B, B falsely swears he owes nothing. This time, however, the rabbi did NOT get so angry at the false swearing.
He realized that if in the second case he did not get angry at the false swearing, it must have been that in the first, he also was not mad at the false swearing. Rather, it was money all along.
Therefore, back in his town, he publicly apologized for his anger at the man who had falsely sworn that he did not owe the rabbi money. For all along, his anger was unjustified.
(19) Anonymous, September 5, 2007 3:27 AM
This was one of the greatest articles I've read. Thank you.
(18) Anonymous, September 5, 2007 3:26 AM
What a powerful story.....with such deep, spiritual and moral insight....with exceding great value.....what an awesome lesson for me.
(17) sheila whitzman, September 4, 2007 8:44 PM
you are a wonderful inspiration.
May G--d give you the fine life and good luck you deserve.
(16) Anonymous, September 4, 2007 11:06 AM
What an insight
Mrs. Rigler, you got right to the bottom line. It's so relevant to so many people. Thank you so much.
(15) Diana, September 4, 2007 6:48 AM
Is there a holy way to confront?
I don't know if there is a holy way to confront. But one way could have been to ask the maid if she had seen the ring or if she thinks that maybe it fell from the table? If the maid had taken the ring this would surely let her know that her action was noticed, but if she had not taken the ring then no harm was done to her dignity.
(14) heather pullman, September 4, 2007 1:25 AM
We all have a price. money or other deal.
I did this to a nice housekeeper once and felt horrible after I found the article. I apologized and she forgave me.
(13) Anonymous, September 3, 2007 8:55 AM
Is there a holy way to confront?
Excellent points which I take to heart. But I wonder if Sara is judging herself too harshly. There was a time factor here. If she didn't confront the housecleaner immediately, she would lose that ring. I'd really like to know -- is there a way she could ask the cleaning lady an uncomfortable question but in a dignified, holy way? In a way that doesn't sell her soul?
Anonymous, May 12, 2020 2:46 PM
Yup. You run after her and say, ‘I’m so sorry. My ring seems to have gotten misplaced. Did you see it when you were cleaning? Could you please help me look?’
Since being caught stealing (or even a good accusation) can cost someone their job, odds are that if she DID steal it, she will ‘find ‘ it while helping you ‘look.’ And bonus! She saves face and isn’t embarrassed. If she’s innocent, then you avoided accusing an innocent person, and maybe a second pair of eyes is what was needed to find the ring.
(12) Sara Yoheved Rigler, September 3, 2007 6:40 AM
AUTHOR RESPONDS
Yes, I did apologize -- profusely -- to the maid. And she forgave me.
(11) ruth housman, September 3, 2007 6:10 AM
Your Money Or Your Life
It's funny, I was thinking about Jack Benny when I woke this morning. Why? Well my friend Karen who lived here had two cats, Jack and Benny. One day in writing class we were asked to do a free-write. I wrote about these cats. Then we volunteered to read. I read first about Jack and Benny. The next person, I swear, read a piece about Jack Benny! Now there is this thing about the comic in cosmic and laughter is surely the best medicine. Now, to address this very ethical article. All I can say is that reading pieces like this, which are about love and caring, and which parse out all the ways we can deal with ourselves and even bargain with ourselves to make good things happen and prevent bad things from occurring, seems wonderful in and of itself! When we weight ethical issues in this way, well, that's what, in my view, we're supposed to be doing!
Bravo!
(10) Sarah Rivka, September 3, 2007 5:55 AM
WOW!
This is a powerful article that made me stop and think. How strong the lure of money is that it can make me compromise my moral principles! Just the other day I was riding a bus in Yerushalayim. I'd gotten a transfer ticket for the first time but didn't realize until it was too late that it was only good for an hour. I think of myself as a good, moral person, but I actually considered trying to used the ticket anyway without pointing out the time, even though another bus ticket was not even so much money! My yetzer hara (evil inclination) told me that the bus company wouldn't be losing any money because I'd bought the ticket and it wouldn't cost them anything extra for me to ride now as opposed to earlier, but then I told myself that if it's only good for an hour, it would be dishonest to try to use it after an hour. In the end I showed the ticket to the bus driver and asked if I could still use it, in case maybe the bus company itself wasn't so strict about the one-hour limit, but he said no, I had to pay. Shlomo Hamelech (King Solomon) said in Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) "Money answers everything"(or something like that; I don't remember exactly). It's so true. Even a tiny amount of money. I can't believe I was willing to sell my moral principles for such a small amount.
(9) Stephanie, September 3, 2007 5:12 AM
I loved this article!
This is the second article from Mrs. Rigler that I loved. She has an excellent insight into the human thought process, and is a benefit to all of us. Thank you.
(8) chaya, September 3, 2007 2:42 AM
to gertrude, my husband is worth more than 5 grand
relationships should be more valuable than money, especially a relationship with a spouse. i for one always tell my husband that we have to live together for at least another 70 years so i will not argue about it and secretly i pray to be together with him in the next world too. it doesn't matter that he's lost a lot of money (in my opinion anyway) helping other people. for us G-d fearing Jews money is understood to be used as a tool not something to amass. yes, living in our society this is a constant challenge. take care.
(7) Ora, September 3, 2007 12:43 AM
did you apologize to the maid?
Did you apologize to the maid? If not, you could probably find her by asking the hotel management.
I used to work cleaning people's houses. Only one family suspected me of stealing, which is relatively good--cleaning ladies tend to be blamed for everything that goes missing. It is a horrible feeling to be blamed for something like that, especially when it makes no sense! Hello, if I was going to make money so easily by stealing jewelry, why would I bother to work myself into a sweat for so little money? And if I was going to steal the ring/watch/whatever, why did I not take the much more expensive jewelry, and why did I not run away afterwards? People need to be more logical, and stop blaming maids for everything.
While I sympathize very much with the maid in this story, I have a lot of respect for Sara Rigler. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you did something bad in front of so many people. Hopefully you will prevent others from making the same mistake.
(6) Gertrude Donchin Chityat, September 2, 2007 5:12 PM
Enabling does not bring about peace or justice.
I disagree with the thesis of the article.
Mrs. Rigler's acting quickly in confronting the maid does not constitute selling her soul.If it turns out that her suspicion is unfounded, she can apologize. But, if it is correct, her action gives her a chance to recover her property.
Fighting over a will, assuming the fighter has reason to believe the "loved one" has been dishonest, does not indicate a preference for money over family, inasmuch as winning the disputed amount in court can not erase the feeling of betrayal.
As for Marcia, the reason for her anger at Barry is less his gullibility than his making a major decision without consulting her. Ignoring his actions may well result in his repeating them. It also results in the family's having to give up something worthwhile. Enablers don't improve situations.
If $5,000 should fall from the sky, Marcia's pain at having to forego the vacation indeed would disappear, but her feelings about Barry's actions would remain, and, if she decides to drop the matter, she's practically assuring a recurrence.
Pulling a Chamberlain does not bring about peace.
(5) Kelly Woo, September 2, 2007 4:50 PM
profound wisdom
This is so right on! I am going to print out copies of this and we will read it after dinner tonight.
(4) Gary Katz, September 2, 2007 2:41 PM
Money disputes sometimes reveal other issues
This article makes wonderful points. I would only add that sometimes, money issues reveal character flaws and inner motives that should not be ignored, even if the amount is relatively small. For instance, a friend or relative who constantly borrows money and never attempts to pay it back, may not be worth keeping in one's inner sphere. If you don't mind having freeloading friends or relatives hanging around, fine. Most people, after realizing the nature of such an acquaintance, would either distance themselves or never deal with them financially (obviously this won't work with a spouse). Bottom line: every situation is different and may require different approaches.
(3) chava, September 2, 2007 12:43 PM
did you apologize?
I can't help remembering your telling about a girl selling raffles for tzedaka. You doubted her honesty, and later, when you knew you were wrong,went to her house & apologized & tried to make it up to her. So, did you apologize to the maid? (Thanks for displaying your being human for us. It helps me recognize that people, even good people, make mistakes.) K'tiva & Chatima Tova to you & yours.May you & all Yisrael be written for a sweet year of peace,joy,&health.
(2) Hadassah, September 2, 2007 9:54 AM
Shalom fund
I loved the idea of the shalom fund.
Thanks for your new great article.
(1) Sherry Dimarsky, September 2, 2007 6:56 AM
great insight
Another winner by Sara Rigler! Thanks for the insight, esp during Elul.