Recently a well-meaning family member sent my ten-year-old a book for a gift. It was a "coming of age" novel, and after scanning it I determined that it was not appropriate for my children. I thanked the relative and tossed the book.
So what turned me into such a prudish censor?
Sad experience, and the desire to protect my kids from the same.
I grew up – as most Americans do in our day – bombarded by messages about sexuality. I have no specific memory of how I learned everything there is to know about the "facts of life." I just knew. We all knew, my friends and I, and it seemed we'd always known.
There were movies, books and magazines, and people dressed to attract attention. There was innuendo on television (this was long enough ago that they still stopped at innuendo; today, from what I hear, there's no longer any requirement of subtlety). There were "cool" parents who weren't afraid to talk frankly, to take their kids to Planned Parenthood, to encourage the "responsible" exercise of all this liberated activity.
I remember once when I was around 11 years old, my aunt and uncle took me to a movie, and during an explicit scene, my aunt whispered to me that she was sorry; she hadn't realized the movie would be so "adult."
"Oh, don't worry," I nonchalantly replied. "I'm used to it." By then I'd seen much worse.
For a time in my young adulthood, I really prided myself on being unfazeable. "There's not much that can shock me," I said between drags on my cigarette.
But inside I was empty. My self-respect had gone the way of my innocence, and I felt devalued and debased.
When I was exposed to traditional Judaism for the first time as an adult, this was one of many areas where the truth of Torah penetrated my heart.
I learned to dress in a modest fashion, allowing me to present myself as a person instead of a body. I felt free for the first time from the pressures of displaying myself to all of humanity. I felt a new sense of nobility. I am a Jewish woman, I realized, a daughter of the King. And I don't have to wait for a special occasion to clothe myself accordingly.
I learned to reserve my touch for those closest to me. I stopped shaking hands with men, and in so doing I felt I had stopped diluting the power of the affection I could share with my husband. Torah released me from the perceived obligation to give of myself to all, without boundaries.
Adopting Judaism's "restrictions" proved to be wonderfully liberating.
It also helped me regain some measure of my innocence.
I'll never forget the first time I went to the mall after I had been living as an observant Jew for a while. As I stepped off the elevator, I was confronted with an enormous poster of a shirtless man. It was a curious advertisement for a men's clothing store since there were no clothes anywhere in sight. And I blushed and averted my gaze.
I was happy to realize that I was allowing myself to be fazed.
Manis Friedman in his wonderful book Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore? says that when a man and a woman touch each other, they should feel something. To feel nothing is sad; it's a diminishment of the potential of this special relationship that God has given us.
I am burdened with memories that no daughter of the King should have to bear. And I want better for my children.
I had to work to reclaim this natural innocence, and it is not one hundred percent reclaimable. I am burdened with memories that no daughter of the King should have to bear.
And I want better for my children.
That is why I choose to raise them in a relatively sheltered manner. My husband and I carefully screen the materials our kids are exposed to. We do not keep explicit images around the house, and we do not allow them to read explicit materials (the same goes for violent materials, or other things that do not reflect our values). We do not watch movies, and we do not own a television. We have chosen to live in a religious community in Israel where our children are exposed to a minimum of vulgarity.
My children do not know who is the latest, hottest entertainer. They have no idea what's on television. They are blissfully unaware of the latest navel-baring fashions. And they do not, as of yet, know "the facts of life."
I don't think my children are missing anything. We listen – and dance to – joyful music that connects them to their traditions and enhances their spirituality with inspiring lyrics. They may not know Madonna, but they love Mordechai ben David. They read voraciously in both English and Hebrew, and we provide them with books that educate and entertain without reference to television, gratuitous violence, or intimate matters that they really don't need to think about at their tender age (yes, there really are books like that!). And as to the facts of life, we will teach them in the proper time, within a context of helping them to envision a committed family life.
I once heard Rabbi Noach Orlowek respond to a question about how we should teach our children about anti-Semitism. He gave an interesting metaphor. You pay a price for being a Jew in this world, he said. And everyone wants to get value for their money. The way to make it worth paying the price is simply to give our children a superior product. Give them the full richness of living a Jewish life (Shabbat, a full year of meaningful holidays, celebrations, Torah learning, and so on), and the rest will take care of itself. They will know that it is worth the "risk."
Similarly, I think that when my children are – inevitably – exposed to some "temptation," they will feel that any "price" they may have paid (in the form of not having access to secular entertainments) is worth it. By exposing our children to positive images of wholesome family life, and to the cultural references that we feel truly are important to their development, my husband and I hope to give them a superior product. Having seen nothing but stable, committed, caring marriages (both ours and those of our friends, neighbors, rabbis, and so on), our children will know what they really want out of life. They won't fall for the cheap thrill of casual encounters or destructive behavior, because they will have the background to be able to see those things for what they are. They won't be gullible; on the contrary, they'll have greater clarity than their "with-it" contemporaries in the secular world.
Go ahead and call me naive. I'm afraid I'm anything but. I know all too well that whatever their brains get filled with now will shape their future thoughts. And I consider it my parental responsibility to ask the question: What kind of memories do I want my children to have?
My answer is easy: innocent ones.
(69) Anonymous, May 30, 2017 5:30 PM
Good fences make good neighbors
When I go to Shul, I am very glad that with one exception none of the men shake hands with me. (I was completely surprised one time when I said hello and introduced myself to the Shul president as he held out his hand to be shaken.) IMO, people are WAY too informal. I do NOT want men or women that I know only casually to come up and hug me.
(68) Anonymous, March 3, 2014 9:12 PM
SMACK-DAB ON THE MONEY
This is so well said: "I had to work to reclaim this natural innocence, and it is not one hundred percent reclaimable. I am burdened with memories that no daughter of the King should have to bear."
So many returnees to Jewish observance - especially the women of us - are so burdened.
(67) AMSB, March 3, 2014 5:45 PM
Educate your children and empower them
I understand wanting to shelter your children and help them keep their innocence. But as others who've commented also said, sheltered children often go in the other direction and find what they didn't get from someone else. My mother didn't let me watch a specific TV show. So I watched it at a friend's house and my mom never knew. And that was only a TV show.
I also agree that if you don't talk about things with your children, you are actually teaching them that it's not ok to talk about it. That's why there are so many sexual issues in the Jewish community. B/c no one talks about it b/c we've all learned that it's not ok to talk about it. That's a horrible cycle to perpetuate.
I believe the best thing you can do for your children is educate them on what goes on in the real world, learning all of it from you, and not perhaps from the "wrong" person. Give them the tools to make their own educated choices and empower them to do so. Teens want to make their own decisions and you can't watch them all the time. By educating them and giving them the right tools, you can help them make good choices and be successful!
(66) Shirley, March 2, 2014 5:38 PM
protection versus sheltering
there is a huge difference between being sheltered and being protected We didnt have TV and my parents were very particular about reading material brought into the house. At the same time my dad from the time I was 4 or 5 started teaching me survival skills as in "if anybody tries to touch you inappropriately scream your head off - " and this was way back in the 60's. At the same time it was clear that if deliberately chose to "jump in the back seat of the car with a boy" I was on my own when it came to the consequences. Being protected does not automatically mean being defenseless in how to deal with people who are evil.
(65) Raquel de Almeida, March 2, 2014 4:33 PM
you are a mensh
It is great that yu have chosen to shelter your children from what we parents out in the aggressively secular world are one way or the other struggling to do the same. The battle to avoid explicit clothing, mindless and provocative pop songs and peer pressure is horrendous. However, we have Judaism and Jewish values to guide us and it is a struggle.
We can already see how our kids are developing and they don't miss mobile phones, games or the Internet, even if their friends all have the latest gadgets. Sheltering our kids from sexualised clothing, images and stuff is our duty.
(64) Anonymous, March 7, 2009 10:19 PM
Be careful because you may get the opposite of what you're hoping for
I am sorry to say that the way you are raising your children may not end up the way you want it to. For us out here in the REAL world, you must know that throughout their lives and their growth you will not be with them every single step and there will be times that they are with their friends, or learning new things. If you as a parent don't teach your children what there is to know in the world, they'll find out eventually and maybe from the wrong person. Sometimes children who are totally sheltered become wild once they have gotten a taste of something unknown and that you DO NOT want. You'd be surprised at how many previously sheltered Yeshiva boys now skip class to smoke or drink beers in the park. In other cases, later in life these children end up becoming non-observant out of their resentment for being unexposed to anything. The last thing we want our children to do is be blinded and unable to experience the true joys of Judaism and the help and light it brings us. The answer to raising innocent children isn't sheltering them or being naive, it's making them aware of happiness, love, family, Hashem and the beauty that all of those things bring. I was raised by parents who educated me about what was what, but made my life so enjoyable that I had no need for temptations. I was happy on my own without the sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Be careful because you can really end up causing your children a disservice.
Anonymous, March 2, 2014 6:05 PM
I more than agree
Is she kidding? Her children don't know the facts of life. The facts of life should be taught slowly in age appropriate steps, beginning age five or six! Not everyone out in the world is safe, even in the yeshiva world. What if your children are urged to cooperate in sexual activity and they do, not knowing what it is they are allowing to be done to them? If it is not a topic in your home will they have the words to discuss it with you? A famous psychologist once said that a topic not discussed is not neutral. The child immediately knows it is a taboo subject. This means that you've taught your children they cannot even come to you with questions about it. It's forbidden! I'm sorry but whoever this lady is, she has gone too far the other way and those ARE the kids who are vulnerable to molestation and to rebel when they are older. As a last note...the book "Forever" by Judy Blume...it's about a teenager having sex for the first time. Sounds forbidden, right? It turns out that it does not end happily ever after. Ends kind of sad and empty. It's worthwhile for a child to read that book it teaches real lessons about premature sexual activity. Please think again about what you are doing you may be leading your kids into danger through this protection..or worse they know more than you think but you have taught them that they may not discuss it with you or come to you if someone hurts them.
(63) Herbert, December 31, 2007 3:09 PM
Blingage
i think that her kids should wear some blingage so they wont feel so out of fashion.
(62) Anny Matar, August 9, 2007 3:11 AM
NOTHING IS BLACK OR WHITE,GRAY IS A COLOUR TOO
I THINK MRS LOBELL MADE A FREE CHOICE AFTER HAVING TASTED THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT OF SECULAR LIFE.
I,AS A GRANDMOTHER, AGREE WITH MANY THINGS LIKE PROVOCATIVE DRESSING AND THE STUPID T.V.PROGRAMMES WHICH DON'T ADD ANYTHING TO OUR LIVES BUT, AND MY B U T IS A VERY LOUD ONE, THERE IS A WORLD, HOWEVER FALSE, WHICH RELIGIOUS CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED TO EVERY DAY AND IF THEY'LL FEEL ATTRACTED TO IT THEY'LL LEAVE MRS. LOBELL'S SHELETERED HOME AND REVOLT AGAINST THEIR NARROW UPBRINGING, GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO CHOOSE AS YOU DID, THEY HAVE A STRONG BASIS WHICH YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM, NOW GIVE THEM FREE CHOICE!!!
ANNY MATAR
ISRAEL
(61) Loeki Jordaan, RSA, June 15, 2007 1:44 AM
This is a life worth living! May God bless your family and Israel!!
(60) Anonymous, May 30, 2007 5:25 PM
i'm happy my parents brought me up like this
I'm a 19 year old Otrhodox girl and I'm happy to say I don't know all about the "facts of life". Yes, I do know most of it. My mother is always open to discuss with me anything I hear from friends or whatever. Sure when i was younger some of my friends tried to find out as much as they could by taking out books without their parents knowledge and let me in on a few secrets but right away i asked my mother and she explained it a bit. as i get older my mother tells me more but i'm fine to wait until it really applies, when i'll be preparing to get married iy'h it should be b'karov. I do laugh when i go back to old parshios and neviim and understand them in a whole different way than my teachers taught me in elementry school, and i laugh more when i, as a teacher now myself, teach it again in a soft way to my own students. We'll all find out when we need to, and personally i don't want to know a minute before.
(59) Joe, May 30, 2007 1:16 PM
There is another side and a middle road
First off, let me say that I completely agree with the sentiments of the author. Let me make clear that the media is full of rubbish and that the values of society at large are demeaning and potentially damaging to everyone - espescialy young children.
O.K. But there is the issue that only mushrooms grow in the dark. When are your children old enough to read Shakespeare? There is a lot of juicy stuff there. How about 1984? There is a world at large with lots of unpleasant people in it and lots of bad politicians. How do you prepare your kids to face it without a framework?
Before you kneejerk and say "the Torah is the Framework!" please consider what I am asking. Actually, it's a more serious question than some reading this might think. How many Yeshivish types that you know have read the Constitution of the United States? Of those, that have How many know enough history to understand why it is such a remarkable thing, or how bad the alternatives might be. History is full of very disturbing stuff. How can you vote responsibly without knowing it - and it is not something to just pick up at a later age.
As to the facts of life, I can speak to experience with overhearing Yeshiva boys in their late teens and twenties. They were talking about ... girls ... giggle, giggle. There was nothing abnormal about the ignorant and silly things they were saying - had they been 13, but for 17-22 it was positively tragic.
I can not tell you how many times in my teaching career (at university) I have met a brilliant young observant woman who felt that "math and science were for boys." Some, not all, but way too many yeshivas have the worst science standards for the boys as well. We should not tolerate yeshivas that teach that the Sun orbits the Earth or any other pile of bad science.
The point is well spoken in Avos. A father has a duty to teach a trade to his child - some say swimming too. Torah is a blueprint for how to live a life. It should not be taken as a blueprint for how to live in a bubble.
Eventually, your children have to face that world outside of the bubble.
(58) Roo (again), May 29, 2007 5:11 PM
Fast forward 2 years later
Baruch Hashem the 4 year old is now 6 years old. She still goes to an orthodox Jewish school with all the same kind of kids. They pretty much have the same kind of family life. They almost all have tv and see movies but the clean kinds that are appropriate for their ages. The 16 year old kids aren't made to watch "Barney". The books they read for pleasure are mostly from the Judaica stores (artscroll.com,feldheim.com,etc) and the children dress in a modest manner. They do see children dressed otherwise at the mall,playground,etc but then I turn it into a teachable moment. That is not the way we do things. The kids learn about sex and babies at a more appropriate age. There is no premarital sex( or even hand-holding) so that is one less worry. The teens hang out with same-sex friends. Usually they start dating in their late teens.Roo
(57) Victoria Sonnenberg, May 29, 2007 12:00 PM
Beautiful Article!
What a beautiful, well-written article! Imagine if all the children of the world were given such an upbringing! I remember the days of innocence that I had as a child in a foster home. Then, I went home to live with my "real" mom, and all of that was instantly taken from me. But, the memories of what was right, and good, have not left me, and I was able, with God's help, to survive without being conquered by filth. I agree that the loss of innocence can never be fully reclaimed, but by the grace of God, we can overcome the effects of it, and can still live our lives in a manner pleasing to our Creator. We can go on to live our lives in modesty, and in truth. I applaud this writer for making the comments that she made, and for being willing to speak about the truth of lost innocence in our world. If I had children, I would definitely not let them into all the entertainment options that are now available. They, too, would learn to know what a good life is, so that they could stand strong in a world where life is devalued, and where the real living is truly in choosing to live as God would have us to live.
(56) Tammy Ashley, May 28, 2007 11:57 PM
Children and Memories
I remember my mother trying to shield my brother and I from as much sexual stuff as possible but I had a sexual abuse experience when I was 6 that changed and skewed my perception of sexual things for my entire life so far. I am now 49 years old. Both my parents were sexually active before marriage. My mother before both of her marriages and in fact she was pregnant with my brother before she married her 2nd husband (my dad). I appreciate what she tried to do probably because of guilt but I got screwed up anyway. I blame some of this also on the late sixties early seventies when the sexual revolution began to take place. Television started showing more racy things all though it was gradual but by the time I was 14 which was 1972 I was well on my way to becoming sexually active. I hated myself inside and had no
respect for myself so how could anyone else. For a time I felt like an anybodies. All that being said to say this. This mother is to be commended for what she is doing and I am sure that G-d is approving of it for sure. Youth passes by so quickly there is plenty of time to become intiated into t.v. and movies and all the other junk that is out there waiting in the wings to wrap its tentacles around our children and steel their innocence. Let them be children for as long as they can be because it is all over with to quickly. Blink and you might miss it.
(55) Hilary Lee Fergenson, May 28, 2007 7:08 PM
Innocent Memories
I can understand Sarah Lobell's point in preserving the innocence in her children, but when I become a parent in the future, I feel that I will still be able to keep my children innocent without necessarily going as far as being Orthodox and preventing my children from watching any movies at all. As a Unitarian Universalist, I will definitely allow my children to participate in secular activities that appeal to many youngsters such as Halloween costume parties and watching Disney cartoon movies, but will censor anything on television that involves sex, drugs, and violence. I will also limit the amount of television that my children are allowed to watch and only encourage them to watch educational programs like Animal Planet and The Discovery Channel. Better yet, I can discourage them from the negative media influences by sending them to after-school programs that gear them towards social interaction through community service and trips and keep their minds away from watching too much television.
(54) Anonymous, May 28, 2007 4:19 AM
News numbs
To the anon. Conservative woman...
I know many secular people who just don't want to be subjugated to the lies and negativity inherent to the media system. There are many ways to aquire important knowledge.
Modesty is a value for BOTH men and women in Judaism and it enables EVERYBODY to be more in touch with their spirituality.
Sarah doesn't seem Isolated in any way. She has chosen a path of purity.
(53) Deborah Scop, May 27, 2007 10:22 PM
I feel the same way.
The author, Sarah Lobell, did an excellent job of reading my mind. I too, grew up with television and movies, and have ended up shielding my children because of it. As my religiousity has grown, so has my sensitivity to more "liberal" modes of dress, vulgar language, etc. I want much better for my children, and I know from experience, what an impact the mass media has on their sponge-like minds.
(52) Anonymous, May 27, 2007 6:24 PM
i feel this woman grew up with naive parents, w ho did not allow her to be herself. instead they exposed her to inappropriate material too soon. my sons did not have this experien ce. i am conservative and very proud to my sons who now are adults. it is parents duty to prepare us with appropriate material. why did this woman have to wait for g-d tgo prepare her for the world and to be a parent. she should have know better herself. we need to be satisfied and have confidence in ourselves, before we turn to g-d;n one cam be conservative and be the wondeful mopther i am. i have a problem with people not wtching tv or reading the newpaters. too much knowledge is lost if not watched. parents must choose the appropriate material for their children. they need to assimilate. thaqt is what the chasidic jews of eastern eurpoe did. one must be part of the culture in which they live ( the city or state ( and country) . it is easy to isolate and use this as an excuse. one must be strong and capable parent in order to give our child ren the best exposure, instead of isolating them because of some beliefs. the real world in vast and involved with assimilation. what is wrong with that. why should men be allowed to wear what ever they want and women can't. G-d created man and woman, both to be proud of who they are without hiding behind closed doors. my children have the most innocent memories becasue of who my husbjand and i are. we always talk of memories, and they are the best and pure memories. thank you for listening. we are all Jewish and be proud and accept everyone for wo we are, not isolate!!
(51) Yael Frank, May 27, 2007 2:04 PM
Your article
I loved your article....I came from a background that sounds frighteningly similar to yours and before our decision to live an observant life I used to say "Nothing my daughter can do will shock me, I'm sure I did worse" and now as with your experience with the poster, I know that if my daughter does anything even close to what I did I will be horrified, Baruch Hashem. I would love to know the suitable books you get for your children, I'm having trouble finding the right kind of books. age 13 (girl) and age 11 (boy)
Thank you again
Yael Frank
(50) Sue, May 27, 2007 1:13 PM
"blissfully unaware of the latest navel baring fashions"?
How does Sarah Lobell keep her children "blissfully unaware of the latest navel baring fashions"? Where I live, you can seem them everywhere. Does she keep her kids locked up in the house?
(49) ben, May 27, 2007 11:03 AM
Protecting kids can take many forms
Shielding children from television, books, and contemporary popular culture is not the answer. Eventually these shielded children will grow up and not have the ammunition to fight all the evils of the real world. A child who is kept away from others to keep him safe from germs will be much more susceptible to illness and much worse off than the child who was allowed to build an immune system naturally by being around people. Likewise a child shielded from the outside world will be ill equipped to deal with it. I think a much better approach would be to allow exposure to the world and teach the child why certain things should be rejected. In my own experience, it is the innocent people I know who were most likely to start taking drugs or otheriwse mess up their lives.
(48) Jackie, May 27, 2007 10:39 AM
RIDICULOUS!
I don't know what age her children are. My small children are certainly not exposed to inappropriate content but when they are older, if I don't tell them the facts of life, who should? Their friends? G-d forbid an abusive person, which unfortunately exists even in our community? When does she plan to tell them? When they are dating for marriage? Unfortunately, even in the frum world there will be those who will try to educate them before that. As for coming of age books I read "Forever" when I was 12. It taught me an important lesson about premarital sex. It did not end happily ever after and left scars on the people involved. Coming of age books have their positives too. We cannot shelter our children to that degree. It is extremely dangerous.
(47) Linzie, June 23, 2005 12:00 AM
Emily,
I really can't say that Sarah Lobell is a bad parent for protecting her kids like she does, but I do think that she's taking it to a bit of an extreme. My parents don't let me sit there and watch inappropriate sites, but they don't make me go on websites that I would have outgrown ten years ago, either. There needs to be a balance, and there also needs to be more leway as the child gets older, like for instance, don't let a three year old watch the same things that a sixteen year old might, don't let them read the same things, don't let them go to the same websites. A sixteen year old will better understand the things in those shows, websites, books, that someone younger may not, and may not be ready for. Sarah Lobell is not a bad parent, though. She's actually a very good parent for trying to protect her children like she has, even if it backfires on her one day. At least she's trying.
(46) Anonymous, June 22, 2005 12:00 AM
MAGNIFICENT
Thank you for your "on the mark" article.
It's as if you read my thoughts precisely. You describe a past so similar, and blessed present/future.
(45) LAB, June 16, 2005 12:00 AM
Absolutely wonderful!
Wish every person had a copy of this
(44) Roo, June 15, 2005 12:00 AM
For Candice
Please speak to your local Jewish schools about scholarships for your kids. Do not keep the kids in public school because you can't afford day schools. The day schools will work with you. By the way,I took my 4 year old daughter to the movies today. She is used to seeing Barney type videos at home. She made me take her home from the movies. "Peter Pan" was too scary and "Madagascar" was too boring and too coarse. She doesn't need to know about this at age 4.
(43) candice stehle, June 11, 2005 12:00 AM
I totally agree!!!
I totally agree with your article. The world I live in is corrupt which makes my job as a mother a lot more harder. I pray that G-d would give us enough money so that I can pull out my children from public school and put them in a Jewish school. Where they can and are able to grow free from the corruption of the world learn more Torah. Shalom everyone!!!
(42) Anonymous, June 11, 2005 12:00 AM
Andy, the key words in your response are "social workers and mental health professionals." Obviously they're going to see problems. That's what they deal with! That's the only reason they're going into those communities to begin with. No one ever said that the problems don't exist, but the question is what is the percentage of problems as compared to the overwhelming number of happy, successful Charedi families?
(41) Anonymous, June 9, 2005 12:00 AM
count your blessings
You are so lucky to be able to live in israel and protect your kids. Unfortunately, living in chutz l'aretz, no matter how much we can protect and control what comes into our homes, we have to drive & walk thru' the streets. And what is acceptable behaviour on the streets of London would have been x-rated at the movies when I was younger! Most recently,we have to drive past billboards advertising soap - a picture of 10 ladies in their underwear! I have no answers but society seems determined to sink to the depths, I can only pray Moshiach comes first.
(40) Anonymous, June 9, 2005 12:00 AM
thank you
I have been "frum" for 8 years, married for 6 years, and have a wonderful child. I am only now beginning to come to terms with my earlier life. I come from a respectable and respected family, I have wonderful, caring parents, I went to a prestigious college and professional school, and only now am I realizing the incredible lack of self-esteem that I had which led me to do things taht seemed "cool" and "liberating" at the time. The truth is, they were self-destructive and just plain stupid.
Your article articulates so much that I am feeling. Years of therapy didn't do this, mostly because my feelings wer so buried and so tainted by today's secular society. I do not have the good fortune of living where and how you do, but I do what I can to bring up a child who doesn't even have these destructive behaviors on his radar screen. Thank you.
(39) hanna zehnwirth, June 9, 2005 12:00 AM
my grandson is becoming a bar mitzvah very
soon I would like to relate a story to him that is appropriate for the occasion he is a spcecial child it should be a simple story
(38) Tova, June 9, 2005 12:00 AM
If you're consistant, the balance works.
I just read all the responses to this article, and I noticed one general debate: If there can be a middle of the road at all.
I will preface by saying, I am a frum lakewood kollel wife who prides herself in her strong orthodox Torah-true perspectives. With that said....
I'm not looking for a lazy 'out' for not having to work hard to shelter my kids. I do work, very hard, to make sure my kids are sheltered 100% BY ME, but I'm not naive and I KNOW that I can't control the outside exposure as hard as I try and no matter how much I restrict. If you don't deny this knowledge, if you accept that there are influences beyond your control, you can put this knowledge to work FOR you.
In other words, if they're going to 'get it anyway', then I DO have to try to impress on them some advance combat, and I CERTAINLY DON'T have to spoon feed it to them on a home TV or from magazines. Whatever my kids just may hear or learn, they will certainly know one thing- it's not allowed in my house, it's not something I want them to be exposed to, and if I found out about it, I wouldn't approve. That automatically tells them something very important.
Another way I'm a 'middle of the road'er is that while I definitely don't believe in going the whole "nine yards" in educating young children, relative exposure IN THE CONTEXT OF A TORAH PERSPECTIVE is certainly called for. The Torah itself discusses situations which are hardly 'discreet' when it comes to sexuality. But with the proper chinuch, from teachers and parents etc., a child can be taught to translate the Torah term "and she came to his tent and he was with her" to equal in their innocent minds "and she married him and lived as his wife." How many times have I heard the story of Yosef and his master's wife from a child with the theme of "She wanted to Marry him, but he knew she was already married". That's wonderful! There will be plenty of time for this concept to be 'straightened out' in other words, embellished upon, as the child grows. But for now, the child knows that 'marrying' someone else's wife is WRONG. This is just a sampling, but I hope you see what I mean.
I remember a seminary teacher who's subject was Navi (Prophets). She specifically chose all the chapters that we had learned in elementary school to 'reteach' to us now that we were adults. We smiled at the memories we had of those innocent concepts we were taught, which were not UNTRUE, but were AGE appropriate and clean.... As ladies of marriagable age, we had likely been thru biology in hi school and we had likely had some first hand experience in aspects of the 'feminine system'. And working within this very minimal, controled, mind frame, she upgraded our data.
If we work on a consistant upgrade system, we can forewarn/forearm our kids while still keeping them minimally informed. But CONSISTANCY is the key.
(To the person who home-schooled her children and then put them thru secular college, that is NOT consistant!)
May we all have siyata dishmaya in our efforts to raise the next generation of Torah true Yidden!
(37) Anonymous, June 8, 2005 12:00 AM
Beautiful - Thank you
This article is so timely, it breaks my heart to see my little girl, a nine year old behave act like a mild Britney Spears, this weekend we decided to address her wardrobe no more pants, in the same way actors use clothing as props she has assumes a horrible nature when she dresses fashionably. Fortunately we can change while she is more agreeable, I am even considering removing her from her after school care because the girls in general have some nasty role models and mimick their conduct.
(36) Sophia, June 8, 2005 12:00 AM
As a teacher in a large American public high school, I think you make a very important point in suggesting that we protect the innocence of our kids. I feel bad for my students who know too much about the "facts of life." However, through my father's interactions with frum Jews in Williamsburg, I also feel that too much innocence can be a bad thing. (For instance, the way men will openly stare at women who are not completely stockinged and seamed. And I'm not referring to "navel-baring women." I'm talking about women clad in suits.) I think there needs to be a balance what you expose and what you hide.
(35) Linzie, June 8, 2005 12:00 AM
Good Story!
For the most part, I agree that children shouldn't be exposed to things like sex or violence until a certain age. This good idea can be taken to extremes, however. I know three women who homeschooled their children all the way through high school to try and protect them from the world. It worked, in a sense. The children turned out just fine, but when they went to public college for the first time, it was like culture shock to them. For the first time in their lives, they met kids who weren't the same religion as they were, or weren't from the same background, or knew more about the facts of life than they did. It was almost like they were seven year olds among high school kids. So while protecting our children and keeping them innocent for as long as possible is a good idea, inevitably they're going to find out what a crude and profane world this is, and you're going to have a lot of explaining to do.
(34) Anonymous, June 8, 2005 12:00 AM
To Rebecca
To Sarah Lobell – excellent article. It gave my husband and me a lot of food for thought as to how we would approach this sensitive topic with our children.
Rebecca, I just read your comment about living in NA and needing an approach to not shaking hands with men.
I too live in NA and deal with this issue on a regular basis. I have found that if on an interview or when meeting someone for the first time, you politely decline to shake hands; you will save yourself in many ways. Most people have not asked me for long explanations. Many have already been exposed to women not shaking hands with men. Judaism is not the only religion that discourages it. Some have asked me for an explanation, and I say its for religious reasons. A few people have pushed further and asked me what religion, and I say Judaism. For the very few that have gone even further than that and asked me for a reason, I say that Judaism discourages physical relationships with anyone outside of your immediate family and I therefore do not shake hands with men other than my immediate family. No one has ever said to me, that’s weird. The response that I get is, wow, that’s cool, and we usually get into a very interesting conversation about the world we live in today and how relationships mean so little to people and that at least there are some people in the world who actually value relationships and what a difference not touching strange men can make in a relationship. I've actually had both women and men tell me that they're jealous of me; women, because they wish they're husbands wouldn’t have physical contact with other women as minor as it may be, and men who say they wish they're wives wouldn’t have physical contact with other men. Everyone realizes what a difference never touching another man/woman can make to the physical relationship between you and your spouse; it gives more power to the touch.
The reason I mentioned that telling people immediately that you don’t shake hands with men would save you a lot of aggravation is because the people around you will look out for you and mention to strangers that you dont shake hands with men before you even meet them. My previous boss would always try to mention in advance to any man I had to meet that I dont shake hands with men, right up to the CEO of our company. I always sincerely appreciated this because it kept me from being put on the spot and even more than that, putting the men on the spot and making them feel uncomfortable.
The benefits of not shaking hands with men have been unbelievable for me. The men I work with all respect me that much more for it and treat me more as a peer than as a WOMAN. I dont hear innuendoes in regard to my looks and I dont get patted on the back, etc. Think about how much you will gain and how what you are doing is respectful and it should make it a lot easier. Look around you and notice all the strange things that other people have no problem doing and you’ll realize that no one will give you or the non-handshake a second thought.
(33) Andy, June 8, 2005 12:00 AM
to sarah6/705
It is possible that Naomi Regan is biased against haredim and I agree that novelists do often distort. Still, social workers and mental health professionals who work with the haredi population are not in my opinion fabricating the facts when they comment on the real problems which exist. Again, on the whole I think the article said something important that needs to be stated and I 100% believe most of mainstream society has abdicated their responsibility to nurture and protect the innocence of children.
(32) Anonymous, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
thanks
Kol hakavod- if only more people would care as much about their children's reading materials! I did not grow up religious, so I completely understand what Ms. Lobell is talking about. As I was reading this article, I found myself thinking about what just a few years ago I felt was "normal" or "not too provacative". Unfortunately, my childhood memories are not as innocent as I hope my children's will be G-d willing someday. But hopefully, in time, those memories will fade and be replaced with the memories of innocence I hope to build for myself in the future.
(31) avraham, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you!
wow!
That was a powerful article.
I enjoyed every word of it.
(30) Sarah, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
To Andy
You should be aware that haredi life is not as it's portrayed by Naomi Ragen, who happens to be a rabid anti-haredi. In fact, most portrayals of haredi life by popular novelists are distorted.
Excellent article, btw.
(29) Rebecca, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
Great - but a question
I'm trying to live more like this - and to raise my children this way. A small question, and any advice is welcome - living in North America, how do you politely decline to shake a man's hand when meeting, without either causing offence or needing to launch into a long explanation?
Kol tuv!
(28) Anonymous, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
There needs to be a balance
It seems that those of us who did grow up religious know how to strike a balance between the secular world and Orthodox Judaism. Becoming religious does not mean that you need to give up going to rock concerts and movies. You can still filter out the movies and tv shows you dont want your children to see, but still allow them to partake in the world around them. You can still wear jeans and funky shirts, without wearing short-shorts and tanks tops. Being religious does not have to be all or nothing and for Ms Lobell and the others in this stream of commentators who gave up 'secularism' because they became religious, all I can say is- chaval -- what a shame.
(27) Anonymous, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
Yasher Koach!
Yasher Koach! Yes, it is true. I find myself shaking my head in unison-unfortunately, that i have also had the former secular lifethat i certainly do not want my children to have. I am grateful, though, that i am able to stand up and say loudly(albeit nicely, too) and firlmly that yes i am sheltering them and yes i do know what it is that i am protecting them from.
Thank you for a brilliant, and truthful and genuine article. I also appreciate that you wrote about your experiences and were open to us -especially since they are your own.
Thank you
(26) Judy, June 7, 2005 12:00 AM
To Rebeca - pretty simple
When meeting with clients I just comment casually that "I don't shake hands for religious purposes". As soon as the word 'religious' is inserted, they all nod and accept it as they realize that there is no personal offense involved. Many people in North America will actually respect you when you do something for 'religious reasons'.
Sarah - great article. Having grown up in a truly frum home, I can attest to the fact that as long as parents know exactly what their kids are exposed to - who their friends are, and what they read - they will with siyata dishmaya succeed in giving their children the kind of upbringing that these children will want their grandchildren to have as well.
(25) Rina, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
To Naiima
The differance is that Mrs Lobell will be raising her children in an enviromant where not going out to a movie IS the norm. Her children won't stick out and look nerdy in school because everybody else in school is being raised with the same values.
(24) Steven, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
Sara Lobel is right !
Ms. Lobel Is right.
Dressing provacatively is advertising something that you don't really want to deliver. Of course people will treat you differently. Dressing provacatively will only yield unwanted comments and come-ons, strictly for a persons body.
If a person enjoys that, then they have very low self-esteem. Her children are not losing out by not wasting their money on watching random bloody violence,and gratutious casual sex. They are not sheltered. They can read a newspaper or book to know what is going on in the world. Worrying that others will consider them "nerdy" if they don't see a movie is nonsense. Do they have to live for other's opinions and approval ? If you saturate yourself in today's overall lewd, disrespectful anything goes culture, you can't help but have some of this influence you, no matter what your parents tell you.
(23) Shanidy, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
Phenomenal Article - Thank You!
Although, thank G-d I grew up religious, we sometimes don't realize how grateful we should be for what we percieve as normal.Thank you for reinforcing my internal values & helping me continue them with my children!
(22) Anonymous, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
Shieded?
Although I agree with the article in theory, the sad reality is that it doesnt always work. We refused to allow TV in our home after we moved to an all-frum neighborhood in Jerusalem and refused to allow the kids to see even Disney movies. We allowed them to read only frum books for kids. That all worked - till they got to be teenagers. Without our knowledge, they started going to movies and watching TV at friends' houses. My daughter who is now 17 says she has an urge to watch these things because they were forbidden to her as a child. Just like kids who are not allowed candy have a craving to taste forbidden food, simply because they were never allowed to have it. Perhaps a more moderate approach might work - a friend of mine allows her kids to watch educational programs or nature shows but only under her supervision.
(21) Chava, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
true naivete
Emily, when you say "Dressing provacatively doesnt make you less or more human, and doesnt mean that people will treat you differently--if you treat yourself with respect, then you'll get respect in the end. ' you show that you truely have been sheltered and are naive. Talk to grown women who have lived in the secular world and you will find that this is far, far from true. Yes, self-respect is essential. But present yourself as a 'body' to the world at large and well, people are going to see the 'body' and not the inherent beauty, intellegence or soul within. People certainly will treat you differently.
Famous example that at 15 you are too young to know about: Brooke Sheilds who was a famous child actress and model was accepted to Princeton. Everyone assumed that she must have gotten in b/c of her money, pull or SOMETHING - it certainly couldn't have been b/c of her her brains. Turns out she was an excellent student with a high IQ. So why was this so hard to believe? Because she had been presenting herself as a 'body' for years, appearing scantily clad and as young as age 12 had appeared as a prostitute in a film. It was very hard for anyone to take her seriously when she had presented herself as such for years already by age 18. For all we know, Brittany Spears could have a genius IQ, but it certainly won't be what she is remembered for.
(20) Andy, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
may be a bit overstated but I think well said
I agree with much of what you say however "Having seen nothing but stable, committed, caring marriages (both ours and those of our friends, neighbors, rabbis, and so on)", seems a stretch. Just from limited personal experience and reading the fiction and non fiction of Naomi Regan among others I would say a true picture of haredi family life is not quite that. Maybe I am mistaken and you live in a truly unusual environment. In any case to isolate ones children from as much of sodom as possible while at the same time when possible trying to influence sodom to change seems to me to be an intelligent choice.
(19) Chana, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
From the "children's" point of view...
...an excellent article!
I seem to have a unique POV here, as I was raised with the loving and educated sheltering you describe. I'm a mother now myself, and I have absolutely no regrets nor disappointments in the sheltered way I was raised. (I can see now what there is and was on the "other side" - it's available and I know it - and I am so immensely grateful that it's not on my menu... thanks to my devoted parents.) I plan to do for mine as my parents did for me -- and as Sarah is doing for her children.
In reply to those that ask what will happen when it hits them in the face regardless... it's a consideration. However, in my experience, with the proper background of openness, education and a solid set of morals, children will look askance at infringements of their protection on their own. When the sheltering is done healthfully, "getting a glimpse" may be enthralling for 1/10 of a second and is overpowered by the disappointment in having to experience what one was raised to disdain.
Yes Sarah, from someone who's been raised that way... it works!! It's understandably no easy feat to incorporate a balance of shelter, education, discussion and morals... but certainly in my case it's something I am ever thankful for. I only hope to be granted the Siyata Dishmaya (Heavenly guidance) to effect in my children what my parents effected in me.
(18) rochel, June 6, 2005 12:00 AM
thanks for the memories
Coming from a secular background, I appreciate the reminder of why I chose the same upbringing for my childen.
(17) Emily again, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
reply to all...
Stars are nothing more than stars. They arent people to look up to-- I definetly never had to. Sarah is wrong---instead in sheltering, what will she do when at age 18 or behind her back watch a movie, or lets say porn? Porn is nothing. Neither are stars. Dressing provacatively doesnt make you less or more human, and doesnt mean that people will treat you differently--if you treat yourself with respect, then you'll get respect in the end.
So what's so wrong that I saw an R rated movie? Did I go have sex? Did I go kill someone? Is simply laughing and joking about a movie, bad? I believe we need to teach reality from fiction---and sheltering kids will simply have negative consequences. My parents are great and I believe as a parent Sarah Lobell isnt doing right by sheltering..it shows that she cant deal with the 21st century. And no, I am not threatened by her atricle but I believe her actions will have unintended consequences.
(16) Anonymous, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
YOU COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT!
I just wanted to say that i agree and identify with a lot that was said in Mrs. Lobell's article. I wish many parents will come to that realization. Thanks for the inspiration!
(15) rochie, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
response
The article was right on. I grew up in a traditional but not religious family in a philosophy of make your own mistakes and learn from them. Sarah Lobell knows from what she speaks. As my children get older, I am constantly forced to reevaluate what they read and hear. I am sad for Emily, but she is very young and has no idea how much of her self she has already lost and will continue to lose at this rate. Ihope that she does not learn too much the hard way onthe path that she is on. Whi should a person "hate" people who live this way? I think that if Emily was a bit more intropective she would realize that it has nothing to do with the types of books they read or lack of television. The discussion can be had in 15 to 20 years when Emily has really seen the world like the author and I have.
(14) Berry, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
My comment
I almost agree to this article, but not fully. I'm religious and hopefully getting married soon and having a nice family... and yes, I want an innocent one too.
So I ask myself: Won't my children see anything explicit if I don't let them? No. They definitely will see, somewhere. So what will they see? Definitely not what sexuality should be in Judaism, but dirty things they get in private because they can't talk to anyone about it (if their parents already gave them this experience...). So what my task as a mother will be is tell them from an early age what sexuality in Judaism is. Only like that they can stay innocent and not get a dirty picture. Sexuality in Judaism is nothing bad at all, it's just a very intimate loving thing that should be treated with a lot of respect. Jewish parents are very concerned about the education of their children, so they should teach about that too. Keeping them from this information won't make them not wanting to know, because we are naturally interested and curious sometime in those beautiful intimate matters.
I think knowing about the good interpretation of sexuality, that it's not shameful but even holy in the right time, makes it innocent.
(13) Rachel, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Response to Emily
It's hard to believe that Emily has so many good memories when she is clearly so intolerant. She comes across to me as quite unhappy, and actually threatened by Sarah Lobell's article.
Inimacy won't be intimate when you have seen the most private things pushed into your face all the time. I contrast the "hottest" entertainers, who are nothing more than soft porn stars, with my parents, who are devoted to one another after 61 years of marriage.
Emily, we have souls that came from God. We aren't just physical bodies in search of ever more elusive thrills. Watching other people do private acts isn't just "entertainment"; it takes something away from the specialness that you deserve to have someday with the one person who will really love you and be devoted to you. You don't want to just be a vessel for some guy's sexual satisfaction. You want someone to love you and be loyal to you forever. You want to know that the things you do behind closed door are just for the two of you and nobody else.
I think you ought to examine why you want to 'offend' people by the way you dress and why you wish to insult people by using words like 'disgusting' and 'naive' to Mrs. Lobell. This culture in which you have been living has been hurting your very soul, to make you a person who says callous things like that. You aren't even aware of how badly you come across, I think. That's probably not your fault, since you are only 15 and come from a tough culture, but I hope you will take a look at how others see you. I hope you will realize that you are better than that and come to realize that the true path to happiness comes from showing respect and love - to yourself and to others. You must have a lot of something special and good in you to be reading the Aish website at the age of 15. Please cultivate that goodness and see your worth, and I hope you'll come to appreciate that Sarah Lobell is right. I say this because I used to be rather like you when I was a teenager, and I truly care about your ultimate happiness in life. Sarah Lobell is right.
(12) Anonymous, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
disgusting?
Emily, I'm also a teenager, and I also grew up in a somewhat unsheltered environment. At one point, I got really frustrated with the influence that tv, movies, music, etc. was having on me, and I basically stopped all of it altogether. I have such regret when I find myself hearing a song that someone else is listening to, and realizing that the less than wholesome lyrics have become a part of me. If I could do it all over again, I would gladly give up the "freedom" to take in all of those influences. The constant message that a woman is basically a body and not much else is "disgusting." Being allowed to see how special we are is real freedom.
(11) suzan, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Excellent articticle
I agree, we should protect our children.
The argument some people have that children will be exposed to everything later anyway, is just an excuse.
children who grow up Unprotected, get use to the garbarge that's out there and start thinking it's normal and okay. Where as children who grow up protected, know what's junk and what's good, and they have a sence of how to live a better lifestyle.
(10) Denise, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
I am in complete agreement!!
My 10 yr. old son is lactose intolerant. He drinks soymilk. Most of his friends drink cows milk... should I give in to peer pressure and forgo his health for the sake of "fitting in" or going along with what everyone else does? It's not always easy or convenient, (and I certainly get tired of explaining to people why I do not allow my son to eat certain things) but no, he cant have ice cream with his friends after school or pizza at the birthday party.. unless he wants to be seriously ill! What kind of parent would feed their kid stuff that makes him ill?
Apparently most!
We are allowing our kids to be fed garbage day in and day out in the way of pop culture, whether TV, movies, or radio. We allow this because giving in is easier than the daily struggles of actually parenting and setting limits. ,Although the effects of our laziness arent so immediate as a stomachache from eating the wrong foods, we are, without a doubt, damaging our kids....and taking away something they have a fundamental right to: a childhood.
(9) Anonymous, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Teenager agrees
I grew up in a frum home that would care if it knew about what the children were exposed to. Unfortunately, I can attest that I was exposed to more than my parents knew, and I can't erase these visions and memories. I constantly wish I was exposed to less (I in no way blame my parents, for the most part, they don't even know).
I hope that for my kids one day, there will be much more filtiration so they don't feel guilty for they've seen.
Kids will learn what they learn, but it's in the parents' control how they learn it, and what they learn about it.
I once asked my parents about screening books, and I was told that a rabbi was asked about this and said that parents should read the books that their kids read (whether it needs to be before wasn't specified) and then discuss with the children the topics in the book, and a Torah approach to them. It was after I heard this that I realized why my parents bothered to read our children books.(Apparently this has been a tradition for a long time in some circles.)
If parents are in touch with what their kids are being exposed to, then they will have an easier time relating to and dealing with their children. I hope more parents take this approach so more kids value a true to Torah life.
(8) Joseph Dawson, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
many thanks!
excellent article, one that I will pass along. If we don't except responsibility for what our children see and hear...who will?
(7) naiima, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
intersting... i disagree
while the author makes a great point and this is in fact the ideal life style, it is not realistic. As a young mother growing up in a very sheltered life style, i felt urges to rebel. My dad would not let me see a movie so i went and saw it. I wasnt a rebbeliouse child per se, i was just tempted. I was considered nerdy in my school for not doing what others where doing. You don't understand the strive behind the child when they find out they cannot do it. You made a great point but you have not come from a sheltered life style... i sympathasize with your children.
(6) Jeffrey A. Pomykala, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
To Emily (wherever I may find her)...
Hi Emily,
I, too, feel very sorry ~ but not after reading this article. I feel sorry that you fail to see and grasp what this article was talking about. You and the 80% of Jews (per your quote) that "hate" observant Jews are truly the ones who "don't get it".
You might not believe it now, but take it from me, when you grow up you will see exactly what this article is pointing to...you will see that all the secular things you cherish right now ( and that I myself have "cherished" and lived through, to my shame)- are really very empty and shallow things. It's NOT naive to follow Torah and keep one's children from having to see "real" things too soon. It's sheltering them from things that ultimately could harm them if viewed too soon.
Here's a nice analogy: There are Two houses, one that only has a foundation and the frame up but there are no bracings, no adornments and the walls and roof are incomplete, the other is fully built and is solidly made with brick walls and complete roof. Which do you suppose would stand up to the inevitable storm that comes raging through life? ~ Please think about that.
You ARE what you eat -- this is as true for the mind (if not MORE true) then it is for the body. If you take in corruption, you will become corrupt. If you imbibe of all things secular, you will become a secular human - who only happens to have Jewish blood in her veins. No matter what, though, you will always remain a Jew and be hated by many for that simple fact.
Yes, Mrs. Lobels children will eventually "see" the things she is currently sheltering them from...but since they will be raised in the ways of Torah, when it comes time for them to make their own adult decisions, they will more then likely make the correct decisions. That will be between them and G-d.
I think she is MUCH stronger and "with it" than you, my child, because, even though the world and your 80% of Jews are against her, she stands strong and follows G-d....NOT you.
THAT is commendable to me.
What may I commend you for? Showing your pierced navel? I will commend you for speaking your mind, at least, even if I believe you to be incorrect, but I chalk that up to youth - after all, I've literally been there myself.
Lastly, you state that all these things (sex and violence in shows etc.) are only "escapes from reality". Is your reality truly that terrible that you would want to escape from it?
I guess that's the difference between the secular world and the ways of Judaism. Whereas the secular world creates all these fantasies to "escape from reality", Judaism teaches people how to joyfully live and love in THIS reality. Please think about that.
Sincerely,
Jeff
(5) Rachel, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Berry's comment
Mrs Lobell, thanks for an excellent article!
Berry, I was going to write a similar comment to yours but you beat me to it! I agree with you 100%, and please G-d when you have kids, they are going to be so lucky to have a healthy understanding of the Jewish approach to sexuality.
I'm from a modern Orthodox family and I found out "the facts of life" at a young age from my mother, who was prepared to answer any question I asked on the subject. She explained everything so beautifully and honestly. My parents, thank G-d, created an atmosphere in which it was OK to talk about these matters, in private. At the time I couldn't understand why some my peers thought it was something dirty and disgusting, and now I feel sorry for them. I am thankful to have been told in such a positive way by someone close to me, before finding out from other, less agreeable sources.
I think that parents, religious or otherwise, have a responsibilty to promote to their children a positive view of intimacy in the context a healthy, committed relationship. (I'd say preferably in the context of marriage!) To those who don't want your kids to know about it, they'll probably find out anyway if you don't tell them, and the message probably won't be positive. It's impossible to escape the innuendo, or more explicit material, that can be found almost everywhere go go, maybe on the outside of passing buses, suggestive comments from passers-by, loud lyrics from a party on the next street... and from my experience in the community I live in, there are kids in some of the most strictly religious schools who somehow find out what they weren't supposed to find out, and share the "dirty" details with their classmates.
It would be nice if we lived in an environment completely free negative influences. Unfortunately, try as we may, this is impossible. But we can make a decision as to what we invite into our homes, how we communicate with our children, and the way we live the values we believe to be true.
(4) Ann, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Escape from what?
We escape from reality when reality hurts. When reality is beautiful, when our joy comes from inside, independent of what is happening to us, we do not need to escape from reality. More importantly, we need to be aware of reality and deal with it, not escape from it. Our children do not need to see or read about either violence or explicit sex in order to enjoy life.
However, children may need to know a litle anatomy, psychology, and sociology in order to protect themselves from predators and pedophiles, and at age ten or eleven, they may be overdue for this information. Unfortunately, even in the frum community, gropers prey on children, and children need to be aware, alert, and able to communicate freely and clearly to parents and other caring adults. Ignorance is NOT the same as innocence. Protect your children. Give them the information.
(3) victoria T, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
i tottaly agree. i am a balat teshuva and i have to go through so much. each day another memory or image of cheap, dirty impure garbage in the world pop up in my brain. i hate it. i wish i had only pure thoughts. i would also love to rasie my children "sheltered". what is the point of themn knowing everyhtign if it will hurt them, they cant and should not have these things. we are not like the rest fo the world. we are superior to them. so shouldn't our thoughts be superior also?
(2) Anonymous, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Everything in its order.
Sarah, you are a truly skilled writer and as you have described it have a highly commendable attitude and life. For those, however, in a different set of circumstances, remember: everything in our God created uiverse has its place and purpose; from the heinous to the holy. Our job as parents is to guide our children to see the proper order of the universe, not necessarily bar them from seeing it to begin with. By the sure guidance of a parent through belief in God, prayer and study, the child can still grow up pure and surefooted. To be aware of the world around oneself does not a sinner make.
(1) Moshe, June 5, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you Sarah
for putting these thoughts to paper . . . It's very encouraging to hear this ethic articulated, which I strive to achieve while raising my children in the States, where the array of negative pressures is constant and relentless.
Emily asked what's wrong with digesting images of base sexual gratification . . .
You as a young woman, have the awesome power to bring another human into existence. We're here on this earth for a limited time, and hopefully we'll leave behind a legacy of wonderful generations we've helped to grow. G-d made sure we'd maintain the human chain, through sugar coating the act of creating another being, with making the physical actions very desireable. Where most of society has gone wrong, is where they celebrate the basic sexual drive while ignoring the awesome potential of creation. Judiasm calls us to channel the 'feel good for the moment' towards a more rewarding and mature outlook on what we can accomplish in our lifetime . . . The more images you digest that tell you 'girl, you're looks are all you got', the more desensitized you'll be to understanding there's a deeper side to life than just cute looks and cute guys. Look around your neighborhood. How many 35 or 55 or 75 year olds are wearing clothes that reveal it all? Their bodies don't look like 15 or 20 anymore . . . they must have realized there are more important matters in life . . . and living it up while you got it, will leave you as washed up as the 35 and 55 and 75 year old TV and Movie entertainers who have nothing of value to offer us, now that their physical attraction has withered . . . Take your healthy physical interest to the high road . . . make it special for one person . . . keep it innocent and wholesome instead of a meaningless future from having 'seen it all' . . .