The #MeTooMovement: When Men are the Victims

You have now written at least *three* articles emphasizing the (still quite rare, no matter what you wish to claim) phenomenon of false accusations against men of rape, sexual assault, and/or harassment. While this happens and should be dealt with appropriately, one has to wonder why on earth you would choose to use your power as a man, a *white* man, and a perceived thought and spiritual leader to make space for a fringe issue when you could instead be calling upon your fellow man to be better in how they treat women. Instead, you could be shedding light upon the fact that so many people encourage believing a woman as a starting point because most women are still not believed, or don't report for fear they won't be believed, or for (justified) fear that even if they are believed they will also somehow be blamed and see their own lives ruined or further put in peril for having attempted to find justice. Is it really so terrible that men now need to be a bit more nervous about being accused when a woman still can't walk alone at night on a dark street without being in serious jeopardy? It is a grave error to suggest that the scales have now somehow been balanced and the problem solved simply because of this new trend of calling out celebrities. What real consequences are many of those celebrities facing? And at what expense to those who've come forward? And what does *any* of that mean for the average woman who has no real power and who's accused doesn't earn the media reads because of their name? Use your voice for good. Not to distract from the reality of systemic oppression against women.

I agree with you completely. Todah Rabah!!

The rabbi did not say that abuse of women is not a problem.
He did not say that women are never mistreated.
He in no way minimized the plight of sex assault victims who are not believed.

He raised a different problem that in no way detracts from any of the above. Had he "squandered" his "white male" voice to condemn false accusations of Anti-Semitism "instead of" condemning sexual offenders, it would not have bothered you, because there is no apparent contradiction.

However, one senses that because humanity is essentially comprised of either men or women, many feminists cannot bring themselves to sympathize with men, because they see at as a zero-sum game, where identifying with one, detracts, necessarily from the other.

This, in turn, leads me to suspect that feminism is not so concerned with victims as much as it is with victimhood status.

Sera, you ask:
"Is it really so terrible that men now need to be a bit more nervous about being accused when a woman still can't walk alone at night on a dark street without being in serious jeopardy?"

Yes it does, if the man is decent.
If you use your imagination, what see that what will happen is that decent men will not hire women, give them lifts, befriend them, or go out of their way to help them. The bad men who are unafraid of sitting in prison, will not be deterred by qualms that make sensitive men uncomfortable.

The answer to bad men isn't to make all men feel nervous, but to help decent men realize that they are not being targeted for what bad men do.

There is no sympathy for men abused by women.

My wife was arrested for repeatedly punching me in the face and drove her car into me (in front of a police officer). She admitted that she hit me & that I never hit her back. Even with an arrest report, Jewish Family Services refused to serve me & treated me like scum. My Rabbi and our mutual friends all acted the same.

Clearly there is a greater problem of men abusing women than visa versa. But automatically assuming men are guilty rubs salt in the wound of someone recently victimized.

We (as a people) need to be more open minded and not jump to conclusions that potentially victimize a victim.

A New Zealand criminologist said that a woman with a black eye from a man is an object of pity, a man with a black eye from a woman is an object of mirth.

A few years ago, I fell over a sign in the street, knocked myself out briefly, cut my chin open, had broken ribs....and two black eyes that didn't happen for some days. No prizes for guessing what people thought had happened.

I suspect that had my husband had the obvious facial injuries, people would have reacted differently.

In the cases of several cases that I know of where women physically abused men, people didn't know what to do or say.

Men who follow the Jewish rule of never being alone in a room with a woman who is not a close relative with the door locked, no one would be able to accuse them of improper conduct.

A very long time ago when I was a grade 9 student, I was approached by Mr. M., a notorious paedophile. I won't say what he told me but it was quite inappropriate. Everyone in the school knew Mr. M was constantly hitting on boys, but nothing was done about it. Fast-forwarding 10 years, I was now a new teacher in my first school. To my shock I learned that same Mr. M.was one of my colleagues there. He'd not only never been fired, but had even been promoted! Fast-forwarding 20 years, I became a teacher in another school (in a different province) where there were not 1 but 2 paedophile teachers operating with impunity, openly & brazenly. One of them was female & the other was male. Both were going after pubescent boys. And yet again, everybody--both students AND staff--knew what was going on. Therefore it was impossible that the higher-ups in the ed. system were unaware of it. One day I actually witnessed Mr. P making advances to a boy in his class (I had entered his room innocently., just to get some supplies, & he'd left his door unlocked). By our Dept.of Ed. rules it was my duty to report what I'd seen. However, my colleagues warned me not to do that. Had I reported, Mr. P would have been protected, whereas I'd have suffered harsh reprisal, including possible loss of my job. Incidentally, several years later I happened by sheer coincidence to run into a clinical psychologist who knew of both paedophiles (his daughter had attended that school). He informed me that 1/3 of his busy practice was composed of boys who were PTSD victims of just 1 paedophile--Mr. P. Because our conversation got cut short (we were at a party), we never got around to mentioning the female paedophile. Through the grapevine, however, I learned she'd been transferred to an elementary school, where presumably the boys would be too young to elicit her attention.

Google female teachers convicted of sex abuse and you will get scores of sites to visit.

Google male teacher convicted of sex crimes and you will get more.

These teachers were protected by the school system until parents started a police investigation. It is only when we get parents involved,,,that is people who can not lose their job at a school board and are not afraid to confront school corruption will sex abuse be eradicated from schools.
Until then, these crimes will continue and the student will suffer.

All Americans need to show respect for each other.For the past approx 40 years sexual behavior has often been irresponsible.Promiscuous behavior has prompted these problems.

My mother a"h tearfully told me a story of being groped by her male employer. This took place a LONG time ago, when nobody thought twice about men grabbing women. She was so humiliated that she quit her job. (She was a secretary.) Fortunately she was able to get another job very quickly. Unfortunately I believe this incident contributed to the depression she was already suffering from. My mother had a high school diploma and was the sole support for herself and her mother. This was a woman who had been blessed with a TON of intelligence and common sense, yet a man grabbed her as if she were a loaf of bread. Btw--She was NOT promiscuous, flirtatious, etc. She went to work, did her job and then went home.

First, there are men who were victims of rape and/or harassment and that deserves to be addressed.
Second, as a woman, I find it appalling when women make false accusations of rape or harrassment. Those things are so hard to prove even when they are true and the false accusations only undermine the credibility of the real ones.
Having said that, I think that all accusations need to be investigated carefully. Yes, we need to weed out the false accusations, but we need to be careful not to further undermine the dignity of the real victims.

You are lucky you have never been in court. You write "those things are hard to prove." The law in practice (even if not in theory) HAS CHANGED. No proof of rape and/or harassment is needed for the complaint of a woman to be accepted. Since proof is almost impossible to get, the courts now accept the woman's word for it. My attorney explained that since many women's groups complained that proof was next to impossible, and that fact discriminates against women, therefore, in real terms it is NOT up to the accuser to bring proof other than her word. The defendant is deemed guilty until proven innocent!

I was falsely accused, and the entire situation including pre-trial hearings was unbelievably biased. When the assistant DA introduced herself (a former victim of abuse herself) woman to the judge, the judge (also a female) responded "I wish you good luck." in the open courtroom. The complainant changed her story repeatedly, and the judge improperly accepted the changes. When my lawyer introduced a motion to dismiss charges because of clear evidence they were false, the DA did not respond on time (which means automatic dismissal) and got two extensions--and still missed the deadline, and the judge accepted that. The judge ruled the evidence would not be accepted until the trial (and my lawyer said that was a serious error because of the strength of evidence). Eventually all sexual charges were dropped and I was forced to plead guilty to a harassing phone call. OK for a while, until the case was written up incorrectly in the newspapers claiming I am a sex offender, so I lost my job, have been unemployed for years, and cannot find any employment. If I had been found guilty of a sexual offense and went to rehab, the court promises a job, with certain certified employers, but since I was not found guilty I could not enter that program and cannot find employment but am forced to beg and borrow.

It seems to be widely accepted that to be accused is to be guilty in sex cases.

My husband's friend was sent to prison for sex crimes that he could not have committed (he wasn't even in the country at the time) He supposedly walked around naked in the clergy house (he was an Orthodox priest) which was also the church office and had people coming and going all the time. The judge was openly anti-clerical.

I hate it that a life can be ruined on someone's word alone...and even when they are cleared, they are still assumed to be guilty.

A case I knew of wasn't really sexual harassment, but the men involved disliked it heartily. A middle-aged woman where I worked would act flirtatiously, touch men and even sit on their knees. If she'd heard what they said about her, she would probably have been humiliated. She could well have thought that she was being funny, but her 'victims' didn't find it amusing at all.

Imagine a man stroking women's faces, making whar he thought were flirtatious remarks (which were neither invited nor responded to) and pulling women down to sit on his knee.

The men didn't know what to do, so put up with it. A man would have been warned and sacked had it continued.

Thank you for your article Rabbi Blech. I think it's time to address the trauma of men who were raped as little boys. It isn't uncommon and it is rarely addressed.

The thing is he was only under the age of consent because they were in CA where it's 18. If they were in NV, NY, IL, GA it would have been legal since 16/17 is the age of consent in those states.

That's not the point, she knew how old he was, she'd known him when he was 7 (ten years before)
She was 37. A man of 37 who slept with a teenager would be considered to be a bit of a perv, why isn't a woman who does the same thing considered to be one ?

This is very true and of course SO unfortunate that as usual there will always be the abusers of the law who then cast shadows on the truth for the innocent....

I am copying here the submitted post as a partial record of what led to discontinuation of your blog.

Men speak out, you too can be accused of rape

Too many lives are being ruined without proof of rape or sexual molestation. There are educated women who have responded with understanding, others truly believe they can dress any way they want with tuches and other parts hanging out and men will just stand their if aroused and do nothing. Their is no excuse for rape and men do not need to act on being aroused. Fellows who is kidding who, if you see a beautiful naked women inviting you into her room will you merely have coffee and watch T.V. Think about it, what a weapon at work to get even with a boss, a teacher, a professor or to use it as a weapon in a divorce. Men speak out. This will only get worse. Soon the Pope also will be accused of raping an entire country of women. If women do not speak up their husbands might be jailed for no reason. By the way men are also raped yet I do not see much of a discussion regarding this. I write this because theses accusations have become an epidemic. No one seems to want the confront those who say women can dress and act any way they want. The Jewish laws of modesty have no relevance. Men respond before you are jailed without proof and your family will suffer. Some of the accusers seek money, they have no real proof. This can happen to you also. Remember in a case of rape or sexual molestation you are considered guilty in the press and have to prove your innocence. Rabbi DR. BERNHARD ROSENBERG

What you said is the truth! There is a trend for women to think they can do whatever they want without consequences, and to say anything against it brings the lynch mob! It makes no sense to me to deliberately do things that naturally provoke a certain response, then complain about getting that response. My body, my choice, yes, absolutely. But, choices have consequences! If more women chose to conduct themselves in a manner showing self respect, they might not have some of these problems. Of course, this doesn't apply to victims of child molestation or those raped in home invasions, etc. But women who dress provocatively and hang out drinking in clubs and bars are putting themselves in bad situations and making themselves readily available to predators. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. If women act and talk like they are open to advances, how can they possibly get angry when someone takes them up on it? Men need to be extremely careful. Sure, men have misused women for a long time, but things are too far left, nowadays. The women who hate men for misogyny accept any and all manbashing as perfectly acceptable - even the false accusation - because it pushes that feminist agenda.

Thank you for writing this article, not everyone accused is guilty and they most often have no way to prove their innocence and their lives are ruined, I've seen it first hand.
One of my sisters and I were raped on a near daily basis by one of our brothers, he has never faced justice nor has an Uncle who according to the police investigation, sexually abused at least 200 children.

We had a spate of teachers in school being accused of such behaviour because some did offend. A trainee teacher who lodged with us gave up his career as accusations began to flow so freely. Advantage will be taken true or not.

Firstable HaShem sees and knows everything! I think that woman know very well what we call sex-appeal and know very well too how to use it! The other side is the sexual weakness of men! But 50-50 responsability at least, surely!

Kol tuv Rabbi--
As usual, you have written a most thought provoking article. I agree with you regarding not wanting to see someone's life ruined by a false accusation. However, the example of the girl in camp points to a MUCH deeper issue. Perhaps this child was being abused at home and could not speak out about it directly? (I'm not letting this child off the hook, btw.) Instead of pushing her aside, did anyone deal with her situation? Finally, there are MANY "ordinary" women and some men whose lives have been ruined by the sexual harassment and abuse they have experienced over several decades. Celebrities have brought the problem to light and innocent men have been falsely accused, but the latter issue is rare. So, how do we make the latter issue even more rare? We hire competent people to thoroughly investigate the issue.

Sticks and stones can hurt one and words that are lies can now hurt one as well. Words perhaps to ponder: Always watch your words. Be sure to make them sweet for you never know from day to day which ones you will have to eat. Rabbi, thank you for yet another truth.