I enjoyed reading the recent article on aish.com “Why I Don’t Touch Men” and thought it would be worthwhile to share my experiences on the topic from the perspective of a 19-year-old guy.
I grew up in South Africa in a religious home and I'm currently learning in a pre-military Yeshiva in Israel. I went to a wonderful co-ed school where being religious wasn’t exactly “the norm,” but everyone got along. I love sports, physics, chemistry, computer science, economics, movies, and Xbox – in short, I'm a normal guy.
And I am also shomer negiah – I don't touch girls, and girls don't touch me. Yet I'm still normal. Allow me to explain.
Yossi [R] with friends
When I was in seventh grade my friends and I were attending a Bar Mitzvah course on Sundays. One Sunday I didn’t show up and they happened to discuss the issue of shomer negiah, the prohibition of touching the opposite sex. The next day at school sure was interesting; many of the boys had decided that they were bli (short for the Hebrew phrase "bli yadayim" – without hands – another term for shomer negiah). I thought they were absolutely crazy but I admit my interest was piqued.
I felt that I was tapping into God’s romantic side.
I learned a bit more about the topic, exploring the meaning of physical contact, marriage, and relationships. One book that I found to be particularly good was The Magic Touch by Gila Manolson. Shomer Negiah turned out not to just be random Jewish laws that were designed to keep me from having a good time; it was a wise system for ensuring the sanctity of relationships and knowing how to have a good time without infringing upon that sanctity. It went against the allure of temporary and reinforced the eternal. I felt that I was tapping into God’s romantic side. There is someone out there who I am made for and who is made for me. We are destined for each other. Everything else in the meantime was just playing around. It felt trivial compared to the more purposeful, committed relationship I yearn to have in the future. I told myself that if God has a present just for me then I won’t go window shopping.
Yossi [second left] with friends
So I decided at that ripe old age of 12 that I was going to give it a try and that I would start slowly. I explained to the girls in my school that from now on I was only going to ‘high-five’ them hello because I wanted to try to stop hugging. They laughed but respected my decision. Slowly but surely I upped my observance of being shomer negiah and by the day of my Bar Mitzvah I was totally bli.
My six-year journey has had its ups and downs but it was from the downs that I learned my most valuable lessons. From the times of weakness I found the most strength.
I was sticking out like a sore thumb, standing next to girls with my arms behind my back in every photo.
I attended a terrific religious school until the 9th grade and my interactions with girls were limited which made being shomer a lot easier. In seventh grade, still new to the world of shomer negiah, I went to summer camp and there were tons of girls. Being shomer suddenly became really hard. It was as if the choice only presented itself now and I was confronted with temptation. Everyone was taking their pre-shabbos photos, looking great and with their arms around each other, and there I was sticking out like a sore thumb, standing next to girls with my arms behind my back in every photo.
What’s so bad about taking a decent photo? I’m not kissing anyone. It’s probably totally fine, I told myself. And that's what I did – I took all the “normal” photos I could take before Shabbat started. I ignored the fact that inside my gut it felt weird. At the start of Shabbat a very pretty girl who I just met came to give me a ‘good-shabbos-hug’ (she didn’t know I was shomer). With minimal time to react my first thought was, You’ve been taking the photos anyway. Just hug her. What’s the difference? By the end of Shabbat my observance of being shomer was out the window.
What happened to me with the photos and that Shabbat gave me an important lesson. The crucial moment was when I told myself: what’s the difference. That simple phrase uprooted clear lines that I had set for myself. And when it comes to the seductive reality of physicality and touch it is so easy to become desensitized and move on to more and more exciting things, creating a downward spiral. Being shomer lays down very clear lines, lines that eliminate the “what’s the difference” moments. Lines that keep one thing from leading to another. It maintains the sanctity and dignity that I want to define me.
I got back on track but my challenges were far from over. I moved to a co-ed school that made things a bit harder but I was older and more mature and had a greater clarity than when I first started. It also made things more meaningful for me. I wasn’t just shomer by default anymore. I was making a proactive decision all the time and was conscious of the results. I realised how my friendships grew, how I got to know people a lot better, that I was comfortable to just sit and talk to people as they were comfortable to sit with me. I had no ulterior motives – I am here to be your friend.
These results were minor compared to the changes in my mind-set: I developed a greater respect for people and a greater respect for myself. It felt good to control this part of me. School breaks and weekends were not a game of cat and mouse with girls; I had no one to try “catch” or impress. I felt confident and I felt real.
I was freed from high school’s relationship stressors. Girls were not objects to conquer.
And I'm grateful that people around me respected my religious choices and allowed me to fit in. For me, being religious is not only what you do but how you do it. I didn’t feel limited at all, I felt freed. I was freed from high school’s relationship stressors. I didn’t have to have my first kiss yet, I didn’t have to get the girl, I didn’t have to prove myself, I didn’t have to see how far I could get. Girls were not objects to conquer.
Sure, there are times when I feel like I'm missing out - it’s only natural. “Get with the times brother. It doesn’t matter – just have fun!” was a common comment I got, but I've learned that relationships are not about just having fun. I felt that wasn't really a relationship at all. It was just a selfish act of taking and I didn’t want any of that.
In my later teens I no longer felt that I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was comfortable with being shomer and I think my classmates grew to respect it more and more. I realised that being shomer is one of those things that you have to try before you can really appreciate it. Sure my photos and weekend stories were different but I loved that because I realised that they were supposed to be different. I still have a long way to go but with God's help I'm trying to grow each day.
(47) Anonymous, June 17, 2020 8:21 PM
keep up your growth and your shmera your life will be a happier one in both worlds
by the way you should build a bond with a rav or rabbi who will help you and teach and guide you
(46) Anonymous, August 21, 2019 4:55 AM
How do I explain why im shomer in this positive light to a girl?
I have a crush on a girl who has an even stronger crush on me. Im shomer she isnt. What can I do to make sure im safe? (Furthermore shes a family friend so avoiding isbt an option)
(45) Maxwell Horwitz, December 31, 2017 5:47 PM
Can be Very Spiritual and Healthy
I think it is great that this man is following his heart and not going with the crowd. Not touching the opposite gender can make one more connected spiritually and morally to the opposite gender. It can make a future relationship more meaningful and make one more connected to God, all because one completely dismisses the idea of women being used as objects at specific times, whether one is married or not.
May his spiritual journey be forever a blessing.
Amen.
(44) Benjy, December 29, 2017 4:14 PM
Being Restrained Is Beughtiful
I respect you greatly for being SHomer Negiah, Halachically there may even be an issue of touching someone who is a niddah. When we restrain ourselves we show discipline and can more readily focus on important things rather than on day dreaming about the opposite gender all the time. It is obviously easier when one is not in a co-ed school but in many places that is unavoidable. Also the rabbis are right that one thing can lead to another.
(43) Chaim, December 27, 2017 5:16 PM
Yossi Hatzaddik
Joseph (Yosef) the son of Yaakov Ainu is singled out in the Torah to be called "Hatzaddik" precisely because he went through this exact and most difficult challenge - when he was a slave by Potifar in mitzrayim all alone.
Somehow your parents got it right when they named you!!
Very inspiring!!
(42) Harve, December 26, 2017 10:06 PM
Respect from a senior
Yossi, I am 70. I grew up in a conservative environment but have always respected the activities of Jews who are more observant. My oldest son is now expecting their first child - a girl. Since my son is mostly observant, I felt pride and gratitude after reading your article and the responses. To know that there are young men and women who respect the feelings of others and believe you can lead a fulfilled life at the same time is most gratifying. I am still learning and growing and am glad that I get to learn from people of all ages.
(41) Anonymous, December 26, 2017 4:03 PM
very inspirational.
Keep up the good work!
(40) Ron, December 26, 2017 4:02 PM
A Super Model
Yes, this young man is a super model for all young people, as well as older generations. I believe I can safely make a bet that Harvey Weinstein never attended a yeshiva where he learned shomer negiah.
(39) Deborah, December 25, 2017 9:54 AM
Excellent Testimony
Well done, Yossi. I'm always very glad to hear from men who respect and maintain their distance from women who are not their significant other. It has been historically unfair that only women were told to do this, but male sexual indiscretion and infidelity was treated with lenience. It's perfectly natural for men to be attracted to women, but that attraction can be used in a negative way. You only have to read the news to discover that. When I first read about shomer negiah, I was apprehensive. It was presumptuous, I thought. It was sexist adn old-fashioned. But actually, shomer negiah not only works both ways, but enhances respect between men and women by creating boundaries of modesty (a fence around the Torah) that preserve the value of a relationship and prevent one from falling into temptation. Never has shomer negiah been more required in a world where men and women seem not to have any respect for boundaries. Great testimony!
(38) Victoria, December 25, 2017 6:50 AM
God bless Israel and the Torah
Yossi is a man after God's Own Heart. May every parent be blessed at every level of life having raised such remarkable children. May Yossi continue to live life as it is meant to be lived and enjoyed.
(37) Hin Boon Long, December 25, 2017 2:19 AM
Philosophy
Supporting Israel as my ancestral duty and looking for ways to improve myself. By the way, I am an atheist but doesn't mean I don't respect religion or God.
(36) Aviva, December 24, 2017 8:18 PM
Reading the comments before me, I just want to point out that any form of touch, whether a hug or high-five works in two ways. So no matter how you personally ment for that touch to be, the other person may interpret it a different way... just some food for thought.
(35) Devora, December 24, 2017 6:52 PM
כל הכבוד לך!! Your wife is going to be a very lucky woman;)
(34) Anonymous, June 7, 2017 11:49 AM
Thank you for writing this article
IMO there is entirely too much hugging and fake affection among people who hardly know one another. I have an acquaintance who hugs me every darn time she sees me! Granted, this is not really an issue of shomer negiah, but I do NOT want this woman to hug me! I have let her do it to "be polite" but no more! The next time she wants to hug me I am going to shake my head and say no. I won't be nasty or rude, but no means no. I am NOT an object and I don't care if she "just wants to be friendly."
(33) Mrs. L, September 2, 2016 11:10 AM
I hope you find your bashert in the right time
.... and she will be one lucky young woman! Kol hakavod for taking the time to write that important article. Wishing you the best.
(32) Debra Beltz, October 25, 2015 5:54 PM
I pray that Father will help parents teach these wonderful truths to our children, and that He will Help them to believe and have the trust in Him to be with them as they live this out in their lives.
(31) Kyra Meier, September 9, 2015 8:32 PM
Thanks
I needed to hear that from someone, anybody. It is a relief to me - to not worry about it, in environments, I'm in.
(30) Anonymous, September 3, 2015 2:34 PM
Wow! You are a true inspiration! At age 12 you understood and took upon yourself what lots of people struggle with throughout their teenage years. You are a very real person, learn from your mistakes and keep trying to better yourself. Self control is very hard and you proved that you are in control of what you do and wont let pure pressure affect you! I'm sure your parents and Hashem are so proud of you! May you be zoche to a wife who respects you and keep growing in your yiddeshkeit. Your awesome!!
(29) Me, August 27, 2015 10:55 PM
good for you:) i felt the same way when i stopped talking to guys!
(28) Anonymous, August 27, 2015 2:13 AM
Wow!!! So impressive! Thank you for representing the Jewish nation and making us all proud!! May G-d continue to give you and all of Am Yisrael clarity!
(27) Anonymous, August 26, 2015 6:42 PM
Wow!
Very impressed! Your wife, wherever she is, is one lucky girl!
(26) Yehudis bas Elchanan, August 26, 2015 5:20 PM
Bachrach family
Good article.
Will forward to my teenage son.
BTW, you might be interested in the Bachrach family DNA project.
See http://bacharachdna.com/
My ancestors had many Bachrach relatives in Kestrich, Germany in the 1800's.
Kol tuv.
(25) Anonymous, August 25, 2015 7:35 PM
Bravo for you
You deserve great credit for being Shomer under such trying circumstances, and you deserve a big thank you for sharing your experience with us as well. It takes tremendous character to be Shomer if you need to basically do it by yourself. The reward for keeping away from a sin, is even greater then for doing a Mitzva. See Tractate Kiddushin 39b-40a. Hatzlacha.
(24) Rachel menahem, August 25, 2015 6:55 PM
Yossi, trust me I get exactly what your talking out being shomer negia myself , it was intestine to read from a guys perspective about being shomer negia seeing as I have been very met a guy who is shomer negia myself. Keep it up it will defiantly be worth it in the end :-)
(23) Anonymous, August 25, 2015 6:55 PM
Great article! Thanks for posting!
(22) Anonymous, August 25, 2015 4:46 PM
Touching
This story really bothers me. Touching one another is very important. Children do not thrive and will die if not touched and we see the elderly go into depressions when they are alone and have no physical contact with others. We give people pets to touch to help them in times of need so why would you deny them the touch of another human being. I can't imagine God denying his creations the everyday physical communication that touching produces. Since God is in everyone touching brings us closer to God. And even if we aren't soul mates that communication makes us each a better person.
Lawton Cooper, MD, August 25, 2015 7:44 PM
Touching is important for health
You are 100% correct that touching is important for emotional health, though how critical it is seems to vary from person to person. For little children and the elderly, touching is done out of pure feelings, without ulterior motives. Jewish law is extremely wise, and takes into account age and feebleness, as well as relationships where touching is essential regardless of gender, such as parent and child. Women tend to hug one another more than men in our Western society, but there is nothing other than personal inhibition stopping men from hugging one another. The issue is not how to get the hugs that one needs, but to do it without any taint of sexuality, outside of marriage.
Eli, August 25, 2015 9:25 PM
relationships
good point, but in religious circles that touching is supplied by family members or unrelated members of the same sex
Anonymous, August 26, 2015 12:36 AM
touch is good but the right touch
Touching is good just like you write but just not the opposite gender, unless you are married to them, or are close family.
Deborah, December 25, 2017 10:00 AM
You Are Mistaken
The laws of shomer negiah do not apply to family circles. They apply to people of the opposite sex who are unrelated.
(21) Mom of 4, August 25, 2015 2:19 PM
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have three sons ages 17, 12, 11 and one daughter,12, and they are waiting for their spouse to experience touching. My oldest son, the most aware of his choices, is committed to his wife, whomever she is, and excited about being able to tell her how he has waited for only her. When there is someone that does not understand this he is very well aware that is there own issue if they take offense, not his, and certainly not his wife's. To understand this blessing is a gift too many do not choose.
Thank you again for sharing!
(20) another yossi, August 25, 2015 5:20 AM
we cud all do it
its such an inspiration 2 hear from s/o who went thru the same trials and was also succesful! when this is openly spoken about, e all feel confident and normal that we have these tests, and proud of our triumphs. as yossi sed, it boils down 2 interest 4 real relationships as opposed 2 temporary, selfish indulgence. all those out there who have their own stories, pls share them! i personally have relized that that its totally worth it 2 stay away from inappropriate relationship; the result is less pleasure but much more happiness. may Hashem give us all the strength 2 repay Him 4 all He does 4 us.
(19) Kathleen Dahnke Nottestad, August 24, 2015 11:13 PM
To thine own self be true
I think it admirable that you have decided to be true to your own feelings concerning your choice of how to approach handling your relationships with the opposite sex. I live in the USA and the message loud and clear is for women - if you've had sex you can't live without it. I'm sure a male came up with this rediculous
Thought that one hears often. Our world needs more gentleman than the men out there that take what ever they can - and consider themselves manly for doing so. It's lonely @ the top hey? Take care, hoping all goes well for you.
(18) mtr, August 24, 2015 7:22 PM
Wonderful
Wonderful! As a newly-wed who was "shomer " before, though it was hard, I can tell you it's worth it. Kol HaKavod. Hashem should bless you!
(17) rina, August 24, 2015 3:53 PM
beautiful!
Well done Yossi! you will be greatly rewarded.
(16) Dvirah, August 24, 2015 2:45 PM
Negiah School
I attended a coed Yeshiva-type high school - a magical one-of-its-kind place which sadly no longer exists - and "negiah" was our watchword. In all the four years I spent there I can recall only one incident of public "touching" - and that was between a declared couple. (Who, by the way, were centured by their friends for the public "display".) This did not mean no friendships between boys and girls. In fact, those friendships were even warmer since, as the author says, there were none of the usual stressors between genders.
(15) Elisabeth Stewart, August 24, 2015 1:07 PM
Praise
What a refreshing article from a young soul. May you be eternally blessed.
(14) Becky, August 24, 2015 12:45 AM
Amazing
I really was able to connect to this and it really inspired me. Kol Hakavod. Enjoy Yeshiva!
(13) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 11:02 PM
You have my respect and admiration.
(12) To steve david, August 23, 2015 10:35 PM
Oh really sd
how many hearts have been broken when one or both parties to an innocent shabbas hug felt any romantic feelings? The kid writing this is 19. If he is only planning on dating for marriage and not "playing the field" and he is not ready for marriage yet - that innocent hug could at best cause a lot of hurt feelings.
(11) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 8:02 PM
Understanding The Difference
If you can't distinguish a "good shabbos" hug from a romantic hug, then your future relationships may be more complicated, difficult and problematic than you can ever imagine.
(10) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 7:13 PM
Well done!
Good luck in continuing to grow as a spiritual and total Jew
(9) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 6:47 PM
I'm going to take the unpopular approach here
I do agree with this young man's perspective AS a teenager. However, I will say I have seen as young men and women get older, stlll not married, the shomer negiah coalesces into a fear of negiah. Don't know which is first chicken or egg. but I have seen it translate into a fear of any kind of intimacy.
Shlomo, August 25, 2015 2:54 PM
That's true... in a way
Any extreme behavior is DEFINITELY not healthy, nor is it an indicator of emotional stability. There is nothing wrong with unintentionally bumping into a woman, unless one is unwell or less than emotionally stable
J Efram, August 25, 2015 3:05 PM
That's if...
That's if it holds up that long. When one looks at certain mekoros--especially ones dealing with at how young marriages used to be not just contracted, but actually carried out--this state of [ahem] affairs was definitely never supposed to be ideal.
(8) Ivan White, August 23, 2015 4:54 PM
Thank you for your insightful and knowledgeable explanation.
You would make a remarkable friend or and a wonderful brother!
(7) Melissa, August 23, 2015 4:49 PM
Thank you
This resolved issues for me. Just remember that when you have a special feeling for your betrothed .... and after marriage it makes it all that more bonding and special.
(6) Judith, August 23, 2015 3:17 PM
thank you
Kol Hakavod Yossi, and thank you for giving us the guy's perspective on both, your struggles and triumphs.
(5) Pat, August 23, 2015 3:04 PM
I am so proud of you
I am so incredibly proud of you. Keep up the wonderful work--and I know it's hard work. The world is a better, holier place because of your efforts!
(4) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 2:03 PM
May my son have that strength
May my son have the strength to be shomer and do what's right. You're a tzaddik in this world
(3) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 12:36 PM
Kol Hakavod!
Yossi,
I am so impressed! A huge kol hakavod! As you said yourself, you gain the most from this difficult decision that you made. From someone who made the same choice, also had ups and downs, and is now married with a child, I can promise you that you will not regret it! Hashem should continue giving you strength!
(2) Anonymous, August 23, 2015 11:09 AM
kol hakavod!
kol hakavod. your wife will be a very blessed to have someone so real with such a pure past. You also are bringing a lot of Heavenly honor into this world.
(1) Twila, August 23, 2015 10:34 AM
Kol hakavod
I'm most impressed. Nowadays with all the influence on our children in the form of technology and the degraded level of societies everywhere, you are a tzadik,- a giant and I wish my sons will have your strength and more, your emunah. May Hashem reward you greatly by sending you the princess you surely deserve for having refrained from window shopping all these years. I pray this strength continues to sustain you as the yetzer hara never rests. It must help that you share a name with Yosef ha tzadik. Hatzlachah motek from a Jewish mother.