Online Dating: Beware

Does it really lead to marriage?

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Comments (23)

(16) Anonymous, January 26, 2015 8:31 PM

internet dating hasn't helped the growing problem of shidduch and matchmaatking

I was widowed more than 21 years ago, and had young children to bring up on my own. All this time I have wanted to get remarried.The community has never made any effort to help me, even though I have asked for assitance - in all this time there was only one serious and well-balanced suggestion, made by someone from Israel. I felt desparate,even abondaoned, forgotten. Today I am more alone than ever. I tried internet dating, and my overall impression is that men(generally shy of commitment in real life), are not even concerned about commitment when darting from one flfower to the next on the internet. They feel absolutely no need to - it's like having one long, endless free lunch for them. I never got the sense that any one of them was actually serious about the real business of finding a mate and getting married, I think the internet tends to favour men even more than they are favoured in general in the shidduch scene. as a woman, you just have to put your age out, and you might just as well have put a black mark against your own name, not one man will even try contacting you to find out who you are and what sort of character or human being you are. It simply never occurs to them that you have other much more engaging and interesting attributes that make up the whole of who you are. (I think their brains must be made of earth rather than brain...)
No, it has confounded an age already riddled with problems in the shidduch scene. It helps liars lie more successfullly and hide behind the anonymity of a 'fantasy world', a made-up name and a glorified self-description. It helps sheker and thwarts emet. In the end I feel sadly disillusioned with both ways of finding a shidduch. People do not take older women seriously - and I'm not that old... single women become quite invisible to the community - unless they are committee minded ... If anyone has a truly constructive suggestion to make, please let me know

(15) Anonymous, December 8, 2014 8:18 PM

I was very surprised to see your opinion on online dating.My daughter & husband,met& marriedfrom online.Of course, it's not to have personal referrals thru networking, but we must do all our hishtadlus.The online way is just another way for hashem to send a bashert,by shaliach of the internet.I hope you didn't discourage any viewers to NOT sign-up online.I know quite a few very successful marriages that met online.

(14) Anonymous, December 5, 2014 2:49 AM

SawYouAtSinai

Dear Rabbi,
I agree that the networking is the best way to meet the spouse, unfortunately, it may not work for all people, especially those who are not too social or live in a smaller communities. My wife and I were fortunate to meet each other on SawYouAtSinai.com. We both found this site very private and helpful. Soon after we got married we join the site again as matchmakers and with G-d help, we assisted 17 couples to get engaged and married. If someone is truly looking, we should encourage them to use all options including both "old" and "new" ways to find their Besheret!

Anonymous, December 5, 2014 11:48 AM

We should definitely not discourage single from on-line dating as it works and who knows how many single we would have if not JDate, SawYouAtSinai, Frumster and other site that proved their success

(13) Anonymous, December 4, 2014 2:58 AM

Agree

Problem today online dating or not singles rush into marriage as an escape from either home or other problems and winds up usually to be disastrous.

(12) SKT, December 4, 2014 1:45 AM

I met my wonderful husband on Jdate when I was 36. As an older single, I would regularly ask friends, family, aquantainces, etc if they knew of someone for me- I can think of less than 5 times in 10 years someone actually fixed me up. As I got older and almost all of my friends were married, it was close to impossible to meet someone the old fashioned way. Is there a lot of lying in online dating? Yes. There is also a lot of lying in "real life" dating. Have your eyes open, and be smart and safe about meeting people online - but it's a great way for singles to meet people they would never meet the "old fashioned" way.

(11) Anonymous, December 3, 2014 9:02 PM

online dating can be successful

My son met his wife online via JDate. He was dating with the idea of meeting someone to make a life with, not just playing around. Luckily, he met a young woman with the same idea- meet with the notion you want to eventually marry and have a family. Like minds think alike and both we and her parents are thrilled with the match! Our rabbi likes to mention that most weddings he officiates are where the couples met through Jdate. If you're open and honest about who you are and what you're looking for, you might just find your match!

(10) Anonymous, December 3, 2014 3:07 PM

much success at JDate

I can produce a number of very successful marriages through JDate including one in my own family. If a young person moves to a new community it is often a way to meet people. The issue in the tragic story of Anonymous was that people who knew did not tell the truth. That has nothing to do with how you meet someone - it is the fault of the people questioned.

(9) Anonymous, December 3, 2014 2:23 PM

Avoid on line sites like the plague!

Got engaged a year after the first initial encounter. Had telephone dated, met, spend 11 days of daily almost all day-dating. I visited his community, spoke to his Rabbi who aparrently didn't know his true nature. I relocated internationally, had given up my apartment, job etc. 7 weeks later I was in a battered women's shelter. Only after I came out did ppl in his community call and apologise for not being truthful about him - they thought he looked so happy and normal and balanced with me, and they thought he would change. He was on his best behaviour during dating. Only later did I learn his ex wife was also in a battered women's shelter. He failed to disclose his addiction, his mental conditions etc. He told me he was taking 4 types of cholesterol and blood pressure medication, but it was antpsychotic meds. In short, avoid dating sites. Men who are predators look for women who live in far flung communities where the women dont have a possibility of finding a Jewish shidduch. If a Jewish man lives i a religious community then ppl are setting him up 24/7. If he cannot marry its because he is unable to hold a relationship together.

(8) Lisa, December 3, 2014 12:27 AM

Michigan .....too soon for "a study."

There is a 50% divorce rate.....probably 49% of these people met the " regular" way.....not on-line. I know a handful of couples that initially met on line, then went out & they are married now. I think it's way too soon for " a study" of on line dating!!

(7) Esther, December 2, 2014 10:40 PM

online dating does work

I met my partner online. We both lived in Chicago at the same time but did not meet until we both were living in Florida
Meeting people can be very daunting for busy professional women. I met a few people online from various sites, like Jdate, and ultimately settled down with someone I met on Match.com

(6) Stephanie, December 2, 2014 10:05 PM

a little disappointing...

Rabbi Salomon is usually so much better researched and supportive. Studies also show that marriages from Internet dating last longer--exactly because people are shopping.

Also, and I know I'm not alone, here, but most of us have no other option than to go online. Local social fabrics are weak, if present, and there is a shift toward not moving on to the next stage of life that requires someone who wants to do so to throw a wider net.

Don't blame the Internet dater, blame their environment. How about discussing practical ways to weed through online profiles, or fun (but meaningful!) ways to screen potential partners online?

(5) Anonymous, December 2, 2014 7:44 PM

Can someone offer a single person some practical advice?

The title is sensationalist and misleading. A proper title should be "The limitations of internet dating."

There are many single people who do not have the support of family or a network to rely on for help in finding a spouse and partner. For many, there is no help, except for the occasional demeaning offer, "(s)he's single, your single, its perfect. For those of us who have face challenges in finding our mate, this video is useless as it is something we already know. There is no constructive advice or support for us from people in the community, including the rabbis' who I know, except a friendly smile an invitation to be the only single for shabbos dinner and to pray for a miracle. I was actually told "to pray for a miracle." The remark was offered with good intentions but it told me the chances of finding a mate in his eyes.

Unless, Rabbi Solomon is speaking to the youngsters in an effort to steer them to the shidduch process, it offers no constructive advice or even a friendly encouraging word of hope to those who need it the most.

(4) Abe, December 2, 2014 6:57 PM

We need a web site for parents looking to marry off their kids

If Abraham can send his servant to find a wife for Isaac, why can't parents today do likewise for their kids online?

Sidney, December 2, 2014 10:34 PM

He sent him to his family

Specifically he felt someone from his family was most suitable.

susan weinberger, December 2, 2014 11:07 PM

What are you talking about?????

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO COMPARISON. First of all, when Abraham sent Eliezer to look for a wife for Isaac, HE PRAYED THAT THE ONE WHO GIVES WATER TO THE CAMELS WILL BE THE ONE. AND that is exactly what happened. There was no need for a "resume", or dating. Please check out the story and you will see how it went.
I am TOTALLY against looking for shidduchim online. People hide EVERYTHING from the people they are chatting with.
(I know it happens with real dates as well) . How do you know it is safe to go out with someone you met online? The correct procedure is to get information about the person and the family first, to see if it a trustworthy family. Would you go out with someone without getting information from friends and Rabbis????????? G-d forbid!

(3) shlomoh, December 2, 2014 3:57 PM

Depends on who is looking

If I were young and never married and part of a Jewisj network in which I could find a spouse, I'd probably pass on Internet dating. But I am an older man, having been married, and I am not interested in getting married again. So the Internet is good for me to meet women who are also not interested in getting married. Dating sites are great for meeting new friends and maybe romance for older people. Young Jewish people seriously interested may not find a spouse on line because as rabbi says, dating sites are a market. But good luck finding someone off the Internet. It never worked for me

(2) Miriam, December 1, 2014 4:10 PM

Internet matches can be successful

My friend and her husband met and married over 30 years ago when internet dating was in its infancy. A close relative of mine got married three months ago to a wonderful woman he met through JDate. He is in his 50's and she just turned 50. It was her first marriage.

Please remember that statistics can be meaningless. After all, we Jews would not be on this earth if it were not for Hashem's devotion to His people. He is the true Maker of matches.

Rivka, December 1, 2014 8:45 PM

They met online 30 years ago?

How could your have met her spouse via internet dating 30 years ago when 30 years ago there was no internet?

Miriam, December 2, 2014 4:35 PM

My mistake sorry.

Sorry. The couple I referred to met via a "computer dating service." Computer dating services existed more 30 years ago. You are so correct in reminding me that people did not have personal computers 30 years ago. For example we got our first PC 22 years ago. The internet did exist in another form back then, but it was very limited and was not used by the general public.

Canuck, December 2, 2014 4:40 PM

They must have used a proto-internet system called a WAN.

That's a Wide Area Network. It would have required a modem, in the form of either an internal "card" or an external plug-in unit. The whole thing was plugged into a telephone jack on the wall. I don't remember how "wide" an area could possibly be covered, but the one I set up did cover my mid-sized Canadian city. The WAN was an awkward & limited system, so it was a relief when the real internet came along several years later.

Shoshana Packouz, December 2, 2014 5:17 PM

34 years ago

My husband founded the Jewish Computer Dating Service in 1980 while in St. Louis, which earned an interview with the Today Show.

(1) Anonymous, November 30, 2014 9:28 PM

I also think that in real life online "dating" sites are not as good as they might be in theory

I can say from my own experience that there is a fair number of people who are using these sites but are not really serious. Some are just "playing games", who just want to experiment and "shop around" and they are not even seriously looking for a serious partner. (I even know personally of someone who uses a fake picture- and can therefore never meet the people with whom she is exchanging emails). I also think that it is very difficult to understand from the profiles that people create who they really are, and sometimes even what they really look like! I do think that things like common interests or common ideas are something that I, and I suppose other people look for. But the profiles on sites like JDate contain very little such information.
I know that perfectly normal people think about finding a match online, but I know that there are also many strange people on these sites who are simply not seriously interested and/or could never be serious matches for a serious person.
I just thought: Wouldn't it be awesome if Aish could organize something to put like-minded people in contact? (younger (and maybe also some older) people who are genuinely interested in Judaism. That would be really great!

 

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