The Most Essential Tool in Marriage

Thanks for the newlywed tips, but here’s one more. And I think it’s critical.

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Comments (11)

(11) Anonymous, January 20, 2014 4:19 PM

Deep listening

Listening is essential....all of the comments given(attention, respect, approval of an individual's self-worth, etc) are very good supporting tools to listening, even on the surface level as well as a level slightly beneath what words are said. Listening with the Presence of NOW....that means surrendering the past, surrendering desired outcomes.. focusing on the soul-level and listening to the human needs ...It opens the heart to more compassion; and with deep listening, a flow of listening happens ...rather than a static "technique" of “me” to “me” or even a "trying to get this active listening thing right"....Deep listening is a natural communing.
It seems to need to be re-taught...but even an intention of deep listening seems to bring the joyous soul to the forefront and those times of listening with that intention, build up strength, courage and devotion of the "We" ...any opportunity to practice listening is an opportunity for genuine love, tenderness and devotion. It becomes an experience of shared creativity in innate connection. We "practice" listening to strengthen the living ---fully living---our shared life. Deep listening is as natural as breathing.

(10) MichaeL Bear, January 17, 2014 9:54 PM

The Most Important Marriage Tip

Mazel Tov on the wedding!
Really listening, not just hearing, is the key to a long and happy marriage and not just with newly-weds. As we are in a marriage longer we sometimes don't really hear what are spouses are saying AND what is their feelings behind what they said. Sometimes the fact that you are REALLY paying attention to them can make the difference between a happy marriage and divorce. Shabbat Shalom.

(9) Avi Sachs, January 16, 2014 11:14 PM

Same topic?

Sorry i don't remember if you had a video last week but, want to wish you a hearty Mazel Tov to and you family on your son's wedding!!!

(8) Anonymous, January 16, 2014 10:32 PM


This is something that I have been working on in myself. I am not a good listener, especially with my spouse. I am trying to pay attention when he speaks and not think about all the "stuff" I want to get done. When I do take the time to really listen, I find it so interesting and will sometimes comment and then it opens up a wonderful discussion. Thank you.

(7) Maureen of the Hero Family, January 16, 2014 5:38 PM

There is no one to listen to me

MAZAL TOV ON THE WEDDING. I listen to EVERYTHING U SAY AND SING. Of course common sense BUT not everyone has the wherewithall to listen. Wish u would do a singing video.?

(6) Anonymous, January 16, 2014 5:10 PM

Thank you - your advice helped me in a difficult situation today

(5) Dan, January 16, 2014 5:10 PM

The other side of the coin

That's true, Rabbi, but you really should also have pointed out the other side of the coin; that is, you must both want to engage in communication, which in a marriage must be 2-way. Too often, people don't say what's on their mind for a variety of reasons (feeling it's not important enough, feeling that the other person wouldn't consider it important enough, laziness, etc.). That's OK in most situations, but not in a marriage. You really have to force yourself to express yourself, so that your spouse has the opportunity to communicate!

(4) Dvirah, January 15, 2014 7:23 PM

Listen In All Ways

And if you and your spouse do happen to be carefully!

(3) eitan, January 15, 2014 4:04 AM

Thank you.

(2) Nancy, January 14, 2014 11:44 PM

Rabbi--When you speak about ADD/ADHD, you are referring to an INABILITY to listen. The topic of this blog really had more to do with an UNWILLINGNESS to put down the phone, ipad, etc. and give your partner your full attention. The term ADD is thrown around much too loosely these days, and IMO it did not belong in your otherwise profound discussion. Nevertheless, your talk did indeed give me something to think about. Then again, your talks always have that affect on me. Mazel tov on your son's marriage!

(1) Lisa, January 14, 2014 11:48 AM

& it doesn't stop there...

We must listen to our kids too & put down the phone when they talk to us. All too often I am guilty of talking to my son while texting....& then get upset if he doesn't look at me while we talk!! As always Rabbi, great advice! Wishing your new couple simcha, bracha & mazal as they head off on their own unique adventure thru life!


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