Dear Lauren,
I have a former best friend, and I say “former” best friend because I severed our relationship quite abruptly. I cut it off last year because I felt that the relationship was bad for me. She was manipulative and dramatic and she talked about topics that I thought were wrong and mean and lowly. She would try to get her way by acting insulted or by crying or by getting mad at me. Instead of being friends with her, I became friends with another two girls, and now our triad is really nice and we’re all really happy. It took me a long time to find good friends – until this year, actually (and I’m in 11th grade), and I finally found these two girls that I really like. Before this year, I couldn’t seem to find people in my class that I could really relate to. Most of my classmates felt a little too immature and silly for me – so I was lonely before I finally found these two friends.
But just this past week, my former best friend started campaigning to become part of my new group. She’s trying to convince one of my friends in our triad to be her new best friend, and this new friend of mine is very sweet and a little naïve and probably will be swayed by my former friend’s manipulations. I really don’t want to lose my new friends, and I also don’t want my former friend to re-enter my life, and I really don’t want her to become part of my new group. I finally found friends I really like and I’m so scared I’m going to lose what we’ve created…. HELP!
Lauren Roth's Answer
Whoa. Slow down, calm down, take a deep breath, and just relax. That’s step one. Be calm, be confident, be yourself. I understand that you’re worried, but don’t let the nervousness unnerve you totally. You can handle this, you will handle this, and it will all be good in the end – and it will definitely be a learning experience.
I first want to congratulate you on severing a relationship because you thought it was not a healthy one. So many people stay in relationships that are bad for them just because they’re already there. You, on the other hand, assessed, decided, then acted on that decision. Wow! Congratulations: you are a thinking person! Not everyone qualifies as a thinking person, but you do. I guarantee your life will be richer because of it. (Your life will also be more complex because of your thinking, but we are not here on Earth to have a simple life, like cows; we’re here to think, assess, decide, and act based on those cognitions. So, congratulations!)
We had a Shabbaton at our house a couple of months ago for 25 girls from a certain high school. One of the girls really impressed me. I found her to be kind, mature, intelligent, articulate, and a real thinking person. It sounds like you and she are similar. I told her teacher (who accompanied them) how impressed I was with this girl, and her teacher said, “She has such a hard time. All the girls ostracize her and make fun of her. It’s terrible.”
Right away, having met the girl, I realized why the other girls are mean to her: she’s more kind, more mature, more articulate, and more intelligent than they are. People who are nice, thinking, mature, and intelligent often have a pretty hard time finding good friends in high school. Usually they find good friends after they’ve graduated.
So, first of all, you are not alone. Many people have had your experience of loneliness, waiting for good people to befriend. Readers, if you are or were one of them, please post your comments below so this young woman can feel understood!)
I will reassure you that your loneliness before you found these two friends, and your former best friend coming now to “intrude” on your life – all of that was designed for you and for your life and for your growth by God. He decided that loneliness would teach you things; maybe it taught you how to be kind and inclusive to other lonely people you’ll meet in your life. And He decided that you needed to learn how to deal with a manipulative person wanting to come back into your life.
I would have a conversation with your two good friends. Tell them how much you love the relationship the three of you have, tell them how much you like them and respect them, and tell them you’re concerned that your former best friend is not a good addition to your group. Like this: “Hey, guys, I wanted to talk to you about something. I love being friends, the three of us, and you guys are so fabulous. I’m really grateful for you and for our friendship, and I know you love it, too. This former friend of mine – I don’t think it would be good for us to bring her in to our circle. I had some pretty rough times with her, and I don’t like the way she operates. I feel like we should be nice to her when she’s around us, but I’d prefer not to pull her in to our circle totally. What do you guys think?”
And you can warn your sweet friend about being manipulated by your former friend: “Hey, sweet friend, my former friend can be kind of manipulative. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Be careful, okay?”
Manipulative people don’t always have to get their way, even though they try to. Your former friend might try being sweet to you guys to gain entry into your group, or she might try to being insulted to gain entry into your group, or she might try being angry to gain entry into your group. You don’t have to give in to her manipulations. When she behaves in a way you don’t like, you can tell her, with confidence and calmness, “I don’t like the way you’re behaving right now.” If she gets angry, just say it again, calmly and confidently, “I don’t like it when you get angry.” And then you can calmly walk away.
This is not a simple, straightforward, or easy situation. I know you’ll learn a lot from dealing with it, and I know you’ll develop as a person through figuring out how to deal with it. Also take comfort in the idea that anything you can’t control, God controls. That means you do what you can, kindly, confidently, and with forethought, and leave the rest up to God.
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(8) Joy, June 10, 2016 9:41 AM
What if YOU are the manipulative person who is shunned?
How would you advise the lonely rejected person to behave? When an apology is accepted, but not the person, and for understandable reasons? And it is your family?
(7) Tami, June 1, 2016 3:04 AM
I was a former lonely girl in H.S.
I qualify as a former member in the lonely hearts club in H.S. I was more mature and more of a thinker than the girls my age in high school and it made making friends hard. With therapy and the gift of time, I grew and matured into the 37 year old mom I am now. Hashrm gifted me with two kids who are going through a similar pattern this young lady is going through, and I'm going through the pain with them as their mom. My asset is that I had the learning experience myself, so I know how it feels and I can be sensitive snd understanding of what they're going through as they develop. It was hard for my parents to understand me and what I was going through. They thought i just didn't want friends, but they didn't understand me and that that wasn't at all the case. Plus, I am studying to be a psychologist now. Ten to fifteen years ago I would've laughed if you ever mentioned my going into mental health, but it turned out my background was a platform for a career I feel now is right for me. My experiences will make me more compassionate to others and enable me to connect with and help them more. You may not understand why you're going through this now, but the pieces of the puzzle will come together when you're older. It all has meaning and it will be meaningful to you as you carry the growth, maturity and compassion it will help you develop, into later life experiences and challenges.
(6) Shoshana, May 26, 2016 12:45 PM
second chances?
What if the former friend learned from her mistakes and has changed? What about giving the benefit of the doubt and a second chance? I agree with advice to have an honest conversation with the former friend. And bottom line, we can only choose and control our own actions, not others. Because otherwise ironically you end up doing the very thing you accuse your former friend of doing - trying to manipulate others!
(5) Nancy, May 26, 2016 11:51 AM
To commenter #1 Miriam
I agree with you 100%.
(4) Anonymous, May 24, 2016 1:34 PM
I was always different from my peers and couldn't really fit in anywhere. If I had known then that being different and being myself was good, it might have been easier, but like most teens and tweens, I wanted to fit. I did have a few good friends, but it wasn't easy. NCSY definitely helped (even Orthodox Jewish kids need kiruv). In college, I started coming into my own and I found that being myself actually made me more friends than trying too hard to fit.
(3) Anonymous, May 23, 2016 12:09 AM
I was in a similar situation..
In my high school, I passed almost the same situation, and remember that we (my two other friends and I) really didn't want that that other girl just come and separe us.. But, after nice time together, one of my two friends ended being best friend of that other girl, and the other of my friends and I, ended up being best friends. But I think that this can help you: I finished my high school a few years ago, and my best friend and I are still really good friends, she is married, now with a baby and we still spending nice times together. But the other two friends, not so much. One of them married and the other is very lonely now, they don't have much relationship now. The truth is that I learned too much of this situation. I understood that I can't choose the relationships that should have my friend or not, even if it affects me, so I just tried to be the best from my part, to be a good friend with my two friends. That's how everything finished, and I'm really happy to have a friend like mine, and how everything ended. The most effective thing to do now for you, is take advantage of this moment, to ask God, with all your heart, that everything will be resolved and no one ends hurt/sad. Belive me, when you finish your high school, you will see that everything was just like a joke or like trivial fights, like from little girls!
(2) Sara, May 22, 2016 10:53 PM
Same experience
I was in the same place a few years ago, Writer, except I never did find friends in high school (although I had "friendly acquaintances"). I found my best friends when I went to Israel for a year and met a lot of great, like-minded girls and suddenly became popular. I'm now even friends with some of my high school classmates! So hang in there and just wait until everyone else catches up to your maturity -- it does gets better.
(1) Miriam, May 22, 2016 11:38 AM
Oy! High school's so hard!
Good luck! The best part of life after high school is that you're out! There are many wonderful parts of high school, of course, but the social pressure is rough!
What can you do? Not much! Like Lauren said, you can talk to your 2 friends but they might not "get it". If she does join your group, which she'll probably figure out a way to, don't leave your wonderful group because of her. Just stay in and behave how Lauren said to her. It might take a few months, but eventually they'll "get" her and hopefully will realize your wisdom and drop her.