Dear Lauren,
A girl in my class wants to have a sleep-over with me. But she’s really snobby and not nice and I don’t want to spend time with her. What should I do?
Lauren Roth's Answer
You don’t have to spend time with anyone who doesn’t treat you nicely. If there’s one important thing I would love young people to learn early on, it’s that. You deserve to be treated with kindness. If someone doesn’t do that, you don’t need them in your life.
You deserve to be treated with kindness. If someone doesn’t do that, you don’t need them in your life.
Our purpose for being here on Earth is to give kindness. If someone is mean, stay away. Even if someone is not mean, just “not so caring” or “not so thoughtful,” you don’t have an obligation to spend time with them.
A few years ago, we used to have a certain family member fairly regularly in our home. Because it was a family member, I didn’t really have a choice about having this person stay over. You, on the other hand – lucky you! – can choose to stay away from this girl in your class.
This particular family member used to wear heavy doses of perfume, which would leave our guest room suffused with the scent for weeks. That would have been great for other guests who liked that particular scent, except that it was really bothersome to guests who didn’t. And there were a few other regular guests who were very bothered by the smell left behind.
Also, our kids had allergies, and the perfume bothered them and made their sneezy, watery-eyed, itchy throat, runny nose symptoms worse.
So, of course, I asked this woman to please not bring her perfume anymore. She agreed – and proceeded to bring it anyway. And to apply it. In heavy doses!
Not nice, right?
A friend was helping me figure out how to deal with this issue. I remember saying to her: “It’s just not nice! It’s just mean! How could she do that?” And she replied: “It’s not mean; she just doesn’t know.” To which I said: “I respectfully disagree. It is mean, because certain things you’re supposed to know. For example, you can’t just walk into someone’s house, step all over their toes, and then say, ‘Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize that people have toes!’ It’s your job to realize that people have toes!”
Everyone is supposed to be nice. And if someone never learned how to be nice, that’s not an excuse. They have to start learning now. And until they do learn how to be nice, you are allowed to stay away from them.
There was a couple who married a few months ago. Before they married, I told them: “Neither of you are ready to get married. Neither of you yet know how to be truly kind and giving.” Even though they had asked for my advice, they didn’t like hearing that! (Who would?!)
Needless to say, after a few months of not being treated right, the woman left the marriage and asked for a divorce. Too bad she didn’t learn when she was your age (or at least before she married him): 1. You have to be nice. 2. Don’t enter into relationships with people who aren’t nice to you.
This weekend we had the honor and the privilege of hosting Rabbi Akiva Tatz in our home. (I asked him if I could write about this, by the way. I am respectful of the rights of others!)
He was a paragon of how to treat other people. He was brought to our home on Friday afternoon, just before Shabbat, and immediately asked, as he wheeled his suitcase to the guest room, “What can I do to help you? I do floors.”
That’s how you treat other people.
And after the Friday night Shabbat meal, it was 1 AM and there was a lot of cleanup to do (we had hosted 50 people to hear him). Did he go off to sleep? No! He said, “Where is a garbage bag? I’ll help clean up.”
That’s how you treat other people.
And when he left after Havdallah on Saturday night, his room was spotless and the bed was made. That’s how a good person treats other people.
If someone is mean to you, snobby to you, not nice to you: stay away. You don’t deserve that. Everyone’s job is to be nice. If someone isn’t doing their job, they don’t deserve your friendship.
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(12) Jodi, March 11, 2016 1:47 PM
The rabbis offer
I was wowed by the rabbis offer to do floors. I'm curious to know if you were able to take him up on his offer? That would have been a nice thing for you to do for him. I'm sure he stays in many homes and would love to feel like he can give back something to his hosts. He sounds like a true mensch.
(11) Mrs Golding, July 6, 2014 11:29 PM
OTOH I accept my husband despite the lack of cleaning
I agree with the substance of the article. I just want to mention that I totally love and accept my wonderful husband despite the fact that he never offers to help with housework and is very messy. In fact, until I read things like this article making an issue of the importance of helping with housework, I did not even think about this. No one is perfect, and my husband has so many many wonderful qualities. I just want to urge those newly married or contemplating marriage that whilst it is marvellous if your spouse is a paragon of all known virtues, one can also be incredibly happily married, and feel very lucky to have found one's beshert, even if one's beshert has what others might consider significant flaws.
I was unhappily married the first time around, and my first husband was good at doing housework. It is often not that easy to put into words exactly what makes one person so right and another so not. But if you go into a marriage with a standing-on-your-rights sort of attitude, it is almost guaranteed that you will find your spouse falls short.
Just a thought, from a very very happily married woman.
(10) Anonymous, June 16, 2014 7:59 PM
guests
One Friday morning, as I was driving to work, I received a call from someone in town who knows my husband. There was a Shabbaton and , at the last moment, two women RSVPed that they were coming, and he needed a place for them to stay that had no pets. ( Allergies.) I was told they were rum and would not have a problem following our rules ( Shomer Shabbat.)
I agreed that we would host them, but explained that I worked until 2, and my husband until 3 , so could he not send them over to my house until 3:30, when I would have arrived back home from work, and also, let them know I would be busy preparing for shabbat, so might not have much time. This was in the winter, so Sabbat was early.
Before they arrived, I quickly cleaned up the guest room, put on clean sheets and put out clean towels for them.
They arrived a little before 4. And all they did was complain. "We are not used to sharing room!" "We need separate rooms!" Well, I have a 4 bedroom home, but I also have 5 children, so it is not a simple thing to rearrange and that room had its down bathroom, whereas, all of my children share a bathroom.
Then, they didn't' like the bathroom. We are not wealthy, the sink has rust , as does the tub. They were very clean, but there is rust by the drains. One of the women insisted that i stop cooking and come in and re-clean the bathroom.
This continued until, Thankfully, they left to go to the shul for the dinner.
I have never recovered from this and still cringe when we are asked to host someone for Shabbat.These women were about ten years older than I, they were in their late 40's or early 50's at the time.
I have wondered, over the years, how they became that way.
As I said, I have never recovered. I cringe and hesitate when we are asked to host people. It has destroyed the joy I used to feel on welcoming strangers.
(9) mama, June 10, 2014 12:59 AM
Also remember...
Some children have special needs that are not immediately apparent. My daughter does and when she uses the wrong tone ot becomes hypersenstitive herself inappropriately, the mean girls enjoy provoking her and then acting as though she is in the wrong once they have really been cruel and set her up. I have taught my daughter coping skills and to avoid mean kids and I also teach my daughter about improving her own radar and emotional intelligence and tone. So I agree that no one is ever obligated to be friends with someone who is mean or certainly not to play with someone they really don't like for a sleepover, but I personally encourage my kids to bring in the girl who is the odd one out and to volunteer and help those less fortunate than them so they can increase their own perspective and emotional intelligence. this hand in hand with not ever forcing a child into a friendship or sleepover leads to nicer more tolerant kids who can set boundaries but also have empathy for others.
(8) Nancy, May 29, 2014 7:51 PM
Sometimes people are not nice, regardless of their age. While we certainly need to treat people with courtesy and civility, we don't need to become best friends with everyone. Unfortunately, too many females have been told that they have to "be nice," regardless of how they are being treated. I will no longer tolerate nasty and toxic treatment from ANYONE, no matter who they are!!
(7) Nicholas, May 29, 2014 6:10 AM
A timely confirmation
I could not over-emphasise on how timely this article is for me.
Just last week, I had an argument with a good friend of mine whom I have been tolerating for quite a while because of his bossy and slightly abrasive attitude.
The last straw came when I texted him something I had just read that really excited me. And his reply went something like, "Please tell me how this is important for me to know".
And when I told him that his remark was very condescending, he tried to defend himself and claim that I was over-reacting, and that he was merely trying to know more about what I was trying to share.
A few days later, he wrote and said that I was his "valued and trusted friend" but I felt that he merely wanted to maintain the friendship, and not that he saw anything wrong in his behaviour.
For about a week after that, I didn't know what to do, but after reading this article, I've decided to reduce my communication with him.
At least now I have some guidance on how to handle him.
Thank you.
Nancy, July 6, 2014 5:12 PM
To commenter #7--Such a "friend" as the one you have described would wear me out. I no longer have the patience to deal with condescension, nastiness of sarcasm.
(6) Maroin, May 28, 2014 10:32 PM
Well, the girl isn't entitled to a sleepover, and she will have to experience rejection in her life at some point. Just say no if you really don't want to go. But: Perhaps consider why she's so snobby. Is she unhappy in some way? Is she bullied herself? Is it just a personality thing that she has had for so long she just doesn't even realise is there? Maybe sit with her one lunchtime and talk to her. Say, "(girl's name), you may not realise this, but when you say stuff like '...' or do stuff like '...' you may think it's cool but it actually hurts some people's feelings and makes them want to hang out less. I'm not trying to be rude but I just thought I'd let you know. If you want people to be your friend, all you have to do is say hi and ask how their week is going - take it from there."
(5) Anonymous, May 28, 2014 7:20 PM
But
What about when our own behavior is lacking? While I appreciate Dr. Roth's answer I think a blanket "If they are not nice they don't deserve your friendship" is ignoring the fact that often when people feel slighted/hurt by others, they themselves are starting or continuing the same cycle of not being nice.
(4) Dvirah, May 28, 2014 4:33 PM
Something Left Out
While I agree completely with this article, it would have been helpful had Ms. Roth also given some suggestions on how this girl is to refuse the request in a kindly way.
(3) Nancy, May 28, 2014 11:42 AM
Wow! To commenter #1, you are really right on the money! Re: Lauren Roth's comments about the guest who wore too much perfume. That type of inconsiderate behavior really rankles me. Re: The rabbi. What a mensch he was!!
(2) Yvonne, May 28, 2014 4:01 AM
Great article
I recently 'phased' someone out of my life who was mean and this article is a good reinforcement for my actions. Thank you! I'm a very caring person and she pushed it too far one Passover night when I had her a my guest, in my new home. She brought her dog (with my permission) and was a so rude and disrespectful. It was just one thing after another and, after a 5 year friendship, I decided that night that enough was enough. None of my other friends cared for her and admittedly she's a bit abrasive but since I choose to see the good in people, I looked past that. Besides, I thought I was doing a good deed spending time with her all those years. I saw the worst in her that night and decided that it's not worth having people like that in my life and that G_d wants my to fill my time with good people, not mean spirited people who drain my energy. Not likely that she will change her ways but I wish her the best and am much happier knowing that she's no longer in my life. It's especially great now that have more time to spend with my loving friends and family!
(1) Eli, May 25, 2014 5:24 PM
Thank you for debunking a myth!
It's so common for caring type people to mistakenly believe that they have a moral obligation to be friends with anyone that solicits their friendship. They are guilt ridden for allowing themselves to see or act toward others "negatively" Inconsiderate people abound and take advantage of their feelings of guilt. They suck your lifeblood like parasites and leave you emotionally drained while they get energized from leeching off of you . Energy, like money, is a limited resource. When this "friend" is done wreaking havoc on your emotions, you won't have the strength to help those who really need and deserve your kindness. It's misplaced sympathy. Take care of those who deserve it-and you should be on top of that list. The Torah wants you to take care of yourself.