Dear Body,
You’ve been with me for as long as I can remember. When I was little I remember how much I loved to swing with you towards the sky and run with you across the baseball field at school. You carried me down ski slopes and to the depths of the lake in the summer. You miraculously held my children and brought them into the world. You have quietly borne the pain of my pre-dawn spinning classes and insane runs through snow.
Sometimes I mistake you for myself, but then I remember: You are temporary. You are a tool.
The world around me seems to believe that you are everything. And that is one of the greatest challenges I face each day: taking care of you but living for my soul. I can’t see my soul. It doesn’t demand my attention the way you do. You’re always needing something. Food. Water. Rest. Exercise. Clothes. If I’m not careful, you become the focus. You become the goal. That’s why I am writing to you. So that I can remind myself what your purpose is and what I’m here for.
There have been colorful posters recently in the subways and on the buses in New York City. There are little girls pictured on the posters, playing musical instruments, kicking a soccer ball, smiling in the sun. In huge letters across the photographs are these words: “I’m a girl. I’m a leader, adventurous, outgoing, sporty, unique, smart and strong. I’m beautiful the way that I am.” These signs are part of the new NYC Girls Project,* which is a campaign created to deal with the issue of self- esteem and body image. Judaism teaches us that we are created in God’s image. We have beauty within us. You, my body, are a gift; a way that I can channel that infinite beauty into a finite world.
I’m grateful to you. But I am not you.
Forgetting your purpose leads to a distorted body image which, in turn, creates a cascade of serious problems. Just take a look, my dear body, at some of the damage:
On average, most women have 13 negative thoughts about their bodies every day.
A recent survey by Glamour magazine found that 97 percent of women have the thought "I hate my body" at least once a day. Ninety seven percent! And on average, most women have 13 negative thoughts about their bodies every day. In a University of Central Florida study of three to six year old girls, nearly half were already worried about being fat and approximately a third said they wanted to change something about their bodies.
There are only so many times that we can be exposed to the abundance of distorted messages from the media without being affected. No matter how confident we are, we subconsciously absorb the idea that there is something not right about our bodies. According to a study in Pediatrics about two thirds of girls in the 5th to 12th grades said that magazine images influence their vision of an ideal body and about half of the girls said that the images made them want to lose weight.
In 1975 most models weighed 8 percent less than the average woman; today they weigh 23 percent less. The media today is a far more powerful influence than ever before, more important to most women than the influence of our friends and family.
Dr. Brene Brown, who has researched how this negative body image affects other areas of our lives, writes:
"When our very own bodies fill us with disgust and feelings of worthlessness, shame can fundamentally change who we are and how we approach the world...We often conceptualize ‘body image’ too narrowly – it's about more than wanting to be thin and attractive. When we begin to blame and hate our bodies for failing to live up to our expectations, we start splitting ourselves into parts and move away from our whole ness- our authentic selves."
Body image naturally affects the quality of our relationships. The less confident we are about our bodies, the more dissatisfied we feel about our relationships with others. Often women don’t even realize when they are projecting their negative feelings about their bodies onto their marriages. And women are also heavily influenced by the way that their friends speak about their bodies. If we are around people who are constantly complaining about their own flaws, we start to focus on what is wrong with our own bodies. Because of the emphasis on body image in our culture, we also will begin to notice physical flaws even if we're struggling with something completely unrelated to it. If we’re having a tough day at the office, that will be the time we start noticing that our arms aren’t as toned as they used to be.
Negative body image seeps into every area of life, and this makes my connection to you, my body, far more complex than it used to be. I don’t want to have a love/hate relationship with you. There are ways to appreciate you and treat you with more respect. One way is to write an “I like myself because” list and think of ten qualities not related to physical appearance. That way I can remember that my life doesn’t revolve around you; I have a soul.
Another way is to rethink who we admire; we can consciously look up to people because of their values, not their images and appearances.
Another great way to feel better – and ironically less focused on you, the body – is to exercise. Exercise increases our confidence not only in our bodies but also in our ability to be strong and proactive. It also shifts our focus from appearance to action. One last way that we can increase our confidence in you, my body, is to set spiritual and personal goals that are not related to our appearance.
It’s time to end my letter to you, my dear body. It’s time to write a letter to my soul. Although you may get a lot of the attention, it is the soul that truly makes us beautiful. Just the way we are.
*Thanks to Rachel Cohen Lerner for presenting this campaign and the topic of body image in Judaism at the Food for Thought program in Manhattan.
(9) Bobby5000, August 10, 2015 3:01 PM
Strange comment- I'm Beautiful the Way I am
If I met Prime Minister Angela Merkel I know what I'd say. Prime Minister you have a nice face and attractive figure. Seeing the great Golda Meir, there's only one thing to tell her, you may be small but you have a cute face and I like the skirt.
Is this silly. Of course! Women should not be judged primarily upon their looks with a crazy standard that says everyone is beautiful, like a school class where everyone gets A's. Instead girls and women should be taught to rejoice in their talents in many aspects.
Asked what annoyed her most, Hilary Clinton did not say Benghazi or other matters, but that when she was preparing for an important trip, reporters asked about her hairstyle.
Women are people too.
(8) Henry Wiltschek, January 8, 2014 3:49 AM
The skinny female
Some females and models are so Skinny, they don't look like well developed women, but disgusting -like they just came out of a Concentration Camp
(7) max grunberg, January 1, 2014 9:02 PM
get more connected with your soul
I agree with the article. Yet another great way for a woman to get more connected with her soul is, that you are a valuable, special person deserving of intimate feelings of sexual joy. When being involved in marital relations embrace your femfeelings and try to get closer to Hashem.
(6) Chavi, January 1, 2014 7:38 PM
Thank you!
Hit the spot. As a fellow female I can relate with the challenge of getting too obsessed with our 'bodily look'.
(5) Anonymous, January 1, 2014 7:00 PM
Have you even tried?
1) Teach all children, male and female (this is not just a "girl" problem) basic nutrition, basic exercises, and the importance of seeing a doctor for a physical each year; and, when they are sick. Why start with "good self image" first, or why even mention it at all? Aren't we then actually responsible for planting the message in children in the first place that body image matters? Why don't we prioritize "soul image"? [Sounds silly doesn't it? But there in lies the rub. (For those unfamiliar with this term, it basically suggests that that is precisely the point: the purpose of our existence is God, but we have made thinking this way sound silly in our own heads.] 2) Parents: work harder at putting the spiritual and developmental needs of your children at the top of your priority list; even foregoing divorce; except, and only after all options have been exhausted. [And for those whose cackles just got raised on that one, a condition of physical violence to self or children, or adultery exhausts all options from the get go, wouldn't you agree? But of course if your guilty of either or both you probably don't agree. But then again why would you be reading Aish? Any such behaviors are an antithesis to faith. (The word is similar in spelling to "atheist, " but it means basically fighting against God.) But, is this the case, in every case? that there should be such a high rate of divorce, or worse yet, no marriage in the first place?] 3) (Not last in priority) Start teaching Torah young (and, while your at it, teach yourself also). Place the focus where it belongs: God, family, and wisdom. God will take care of the rest. (Have a problem with that idea too?) 4) Set a good example. And again, for those whose cackles just got raised again: have you even really tried that you should be so indignant? In prayer and in peace, Mazel tov
(4) Wendy, January 1, 2014 3:03 PM
Another Superb Reading on Aish
This is one of those topics that you might get the first time but really need to come back and read later. This is great for teens. There are plenty of women in their 20s and beyond who can learn from this. Because even when we look attractive, we still need to remember what really makes us beautiful. A beautiful soul is a beautiful soul. And nothing stands out more. And the media & culture can make up all the junk they want. We know better. A happy secular new year to all.
(3) Chana, December 31, 2013 11:29 PM
I agree but...
I agree that there's way to much emphasis on exterior beauty these days. But saying that "most models in 1975 weighed 8% less than the average woman whereas now they weigh a whopping 23% less can be seen 2 ways: Yes, I think most models are too thin. It's both unrealistic and, in some cases, unhealthy. But it's also true that the obesity epidemic in the general population skews the statistics. Many more women *are* way overweight and that contributes to a raft of other problems like heart disease and diabetes. So I think the key is keeping it all in perspective: taking care of oneself is good, just don't obsess over it.
(2) Rachel, December 31, 2013 4:54 PM
Isn't there an obesity epidemic?
The poet Ogden Nash once said that "all women think that they weigh too much." Today, though, too many women DO weigh too much. If the media influences any women to turn away from knishes, kugels, blintzes, extra desserts, and all sorts of other fattening things that you probably see at Kiddush, then Kol HaKavod! There are a lot more women going around dragging that extra weight than there are anorexic females starving themselves to death because they don't look like a Barbie doll. That extra weight puts one at risk for heart disease, diabetes, cancer, stroke, and all sorts of other problems. There is no mitzvah to letting oneself go to seed. And while I'm on this topic, I strongly urge every person to apply sunscreen every day to protect against skin cancer. While protecting yourself from skin cancer, you are also protecting your face from premature aging. Having wrinkles and dark spots doesn't make you more spiritual; it only indicates sun damage and a future of skin problems, such as actinic keratoses.
So I am a very big cheerleader for vanity and caring what your body looks like. Besides, if you look dumpy, do you think that is a kindness to your husband?
Aviel, January 2, 2014 11:46 PM
root of the problem seems people confusing looking good for being good
Yes, Too many folks are overly concerned with their body image and thus identify with the body more than with the soul .This article made me think of the words of the great teacher Rav Noach Weinberg "zl" which I'll try and paraphrase as best as I recall. The ironic part is that even on the the most basic physical level the degree of physical pleasure people get from their bodies has little if anything to do with their body types.I can't prove it but I am almost certain models don't have greater physical pleasure than folks who are 10-20 pounds overweight. So what is the driving pleasure in being physically thin/beautiful as society defines it? It seems to me that being successful in looking good [by societal standards] is often mistaken for being good. Being good is a soul pleasure, and a person held captive to body image will never be satisfied, as the soul cannot be fooled into believing a good body equals a good person. The fool keeps on trying to improve the body while the thinking person takes care of the body, but puts most of their energies into improving their character since he/she identifies with the soul, which knows what is truly good. Rest in peace Rav Noac,May your neshamah continue to ascend.
(1) Anonymous, December 29, 2013 7:07 PM
Be careful how we talk around our daughters
I agree that we, as woman, need to keep our focus on what the purpose of our bodies is- to serve Hashem. Sometimes it can be so difficult to do that. But I recently overheard a comment between two thin mothers, with a young daughter standing right there. One mother was pregnant and was due very soon. The other mother commented on how amazing she looked and said to her daughter, who looked about 7 yrs old, "did I look this skinny when I was pregnant with our baby?" The daughter looked uncomfortable and didn't say much but her mother said, "she doesn't want to make me feel bad, she's so sweet" . If this young girl doesn't grow up with a distorted body image, it will be a miracle! Our children are so perceptive, at least for them, let's try to keep the focus on being healthy, no matter our size.