Click here to read an update on Diane and her dating experiences.
In the August 25, 2003 issue of Newsweek magazine, a 42-year-old single Jewish woman declared that her unmarried state was her "Jewish Mother's Worst Nightmare." She wrote that her marital prospects are considered a lost cause by the Jewish world, and that her parents have given up on her. A Jewish single woman responds.
In my school years, I never wanted to marry. Growing up, the girls who married young were either without any better idea of what to do with their time, or pregnant. When I informed a college boy friend that I planned to spend a year in Europe after graduation, he stopped me cold when he asked how he fit into my plans -- I truly hadn't given him any thought as I planned my future. The relationship was over within the week, and I spent my precious year abroad.
At my college graduation, as honors were being bestowed, I remember remarking scornfully to my father that for some girls, getting married would be their biggest achievement. In law school, female students who married fellow male students and never practiced were seen as having betrayed all women, even the whole generation, by having taken the place of a student who could have really used the education. We had to persuade interviewers that we really intended to have careers, not just work until we got married -- that big dead end to the lives of less educated women. To stop working after marrying would again be selling out the women's movement, and betraying ourselves, and we never considered it.
Marriage itself was an unappealing prospect. As Katharine Graham of the Washington Post described the early years of her marriage in her autobiography Personal History, "I was expected to perform all the pulling and hauling… Gradually I became the drudge and, what's more, accepted my role as a kind of second-class citizen. I think this definition of roles deepened as time went on and I became increasingly unsure of myself."
The next crop of women was determined that this would never happen to us, and we ensured our safety by avoiding marriage until we were sure we could still be fully ourselves in a marriage. Marriage was not in itself a goal. I remember coming home for a holiday visit to an argument between my parents. I took my mother, then married about 24 years, into the bathroom and coolly advised her, "Just divorce him, it's a community property state." (Happily, she ignored me, and is now married 47 years.)
At my recent college reunion, one woman declared her biggest accomplishment had been "not marrying the wrong man."
I know I am not alone in having harbored this view of marriage -- and particularly the inevitably imperfect marriage -- as some kind of failure. At my recent college reunion, one woman declared her biggest accomplishment had been "not marrying the wrong man." The sheer volume of older Jewish singles proves that marriage has been at best a lower priority. Moreover, the practical pressures to marry did not exist for us -- we could easily support ourselves, and we gained identities and status from work. In our 20s, "I'm a lawyer" gained one far more status than "I'm a housewife." When I once cried to a girl friend about being single in my 20s, she reassured me by saying that with my profession, education, and financial freedom, "Every woman in America wants to be you."
This broad cultural phenomenon has had consequences. Marriage became one of a menu of options, to be chosen only if it was the most inviting choice for the moment. Some women chose not to marry. Many others did not make this choice knowingly, but made decisions which led inevitably to prolonged singlehood. When at 30 I variously turned down the opportunity to work in Hong Kong, and to travel as a standup comic, I did so thinking that I would have trouble meeting Jewish men in these venues -- but I kept my reason secret.
The Newsweek author says Jewish people act like getting married is a greater accomplishment than developing the polio vaccine. Perhaps it has become so. My college friends used to say, "Anybody can get married." Ironically, for a very accomplished generation, getting married and staying married have proved more elusive than many other achievements.
Not getting married is an enormous loss to us. It's not just skipping a party -- a wedding is a "simcha," a joyful occasion, a door which then opens doors to more joyful events in the future, including the birth of children and grandchildren. In the moment of nuptials, the couple's future generations are anticipated. There are few moments in a Jewish person's life that contain more possibility. Of course, such moments are celebrated by an entire community, as everyone anticipates the happiness and new worlds ahead.
One popular single woman television character recently observed that she had spent a small fortune on shower, wedding, housewarming, and baby gifts for a friend, with nothing flowing the other way. If single life has milestones, they are harder to identify, and not so openly celebrated.
Despite understanding the cultural phenomenon and its effects, I nevertheless find myself facing older singlehood head on. Regardless of how I felt in my 20s, I now very much want to marry and have a family. Quietly, we all assumed we would marry eventually, that an appropriate, smart, industrious and kind man would appear, be devoted to us, and beg us to marry, and we would acquiesce. In that regard, there are already things I mourn. I am sad that my husband will never know me as a young woman. I watch my young neighbor's energy with her little ones and wonder if I will have her strength when, God willing, I have my own little ones to raise. But I also recognize that the joys of married life and family may still be ahead for me, and understand that my job is to be happy with what I have now, and to become prepared for what lies ahead.
When things at work are slow, and then pick up, one often wishes one had used the "down" time to catch up on life projects. I think of being single this way -- "down time" to invest in myself, my family, my community and the rest of my life. From a hopeful perspective, I exercise regularly, viewing myself as "in training" for the likely project of having children in my 40s, just as marathoners train to improve their stamina. I am learning the things I'll need to run a household. I am devoted to my community; hopefully, when it's my turn to chase children, I'll have friends to lean on.
I am not my own mother's worst nightmare, nor the Jewish world's.
The Newsweek author does not feel she is appreciated for who she is or what she does. But, I wonder if she is perhaps, in the end, living her own worst nightmare, rather than her parents'.
I am not my own mother's worst nightmare, nor the Jewish world's. The vast sea of older singles is a community problem, a challenge which requires more attention, more compassion, and more optimism than it receives; it disturbs many people, and of course it affects me personally. But the Jewish world has many problems, and the Almighty has the power to solve them. I want to be part of the solution.
My own mother's worst nightmare would be somewhat different. It would involve me being an evildoer, an angry person, an unhappy person, fiscally or socially irresponsible, self-destructive, isolated. If I were a wife and mother, but sat around the house watching TV all day, she would not consider me a great success as a person.
My parents have two daughters, one who married at 23 and one who is yet single. We give our parents nachas in different ways. When my sister had her first son (and my parents' first grandson), I often joked that I had become invisible, transformed from their accomplished daughter into "the baby's aunt." But then I meet someone my father has golfed with, and learn that he has spent 18 holes and lunch thereafter bragging about me and my many accomplishments. My parents are proud that I spend time with quality people and that I have a generous spirit. Married or not, we live most of our lives on our own merits, not our marital status. And unless you have ten children, simply "having kids" is not really an accomplishment unless you suffered infertility first.
Yes, there are moments when one is most aware of what one does not have -- in my case, a husband and children. This lack can lead to self-pity. I recall years ago I had a household accident that required stitches. In family lore, this incident is laughingly referred to as "the day the house bit me." A single career woman, I elevated my bleeding leg wound, dressed it myself, and had my secretary drive me to the urgent care facility. Being single added another layer of anxiety to the injury -- but that anxiety was added by me, and a dear friend set me straight. When I suggested to a friend that had I been married, my husband would have taken care of everything, or my children could have helped me, she laughed out loud. "On the contrary," she chortled, "on top of being injured and having a mess, I would have also been angry that I could not track my husband down, or that he could not leave work, or that my children tracked the blood all over the house and doubled the mess!" As far as Jewish mothers, my own Jewish mother was proud that I remembered my basic first aid training and that I kept a cool head in an emergency. There was no tsk-ing about poor Diane, all alone -- from anyone but me. I too fall victim to self-pity, but unlike the Newsweek writer, I won't blame my family for the pain I inflict on myself.
Any woman who is actively involved in the Jewish world without finding her husband, and who chooses not to be bitter, demonstrates greatness.
In a lecture I attended on great Jewish women through history, a student commented that there were plenty of Biblical women who demonstrated greatness, but few role models today. The teacher responded that any woman who is actively involved in the Jewish world without finding her husband, and who chooses not to be bitter, demonstrates greatness. I think of this often when I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself. It is a big test to be single, but it is one we should strive to pass, not lament.
My mother recently inherited the grand sum of $1700 from a childless aunt. To this news, I responded cheerfully to my father, "You can start my marriage fund!"
"There's already money for that," he smiled. They are on my side, in this. The person I most need on my side is me, it turns out.
I'm holding out hope for God's blessing. In the prayer I say, along with traditional women of every age who are looking for a spouse, written by the Shla HaKadosh, I ask God to please find "the right husband for me at the right time."
I have many friends who are older than I am, who married in their 40s and have multiple healthy children, some born even into their early 50s. I wouldn't recommend this as a strategy, but it sure looks like a joyful fallback plan! Many of our forefathers married late in life, and many of our foremothers bore children late in life.
Yes, I'm not married, and I'd like to be. I'd like to be somebody's wife and someone's mother. I still believe that I am somebody's dream girl! But in the meantime, I sure hope I'm not anybody's nightmare.
Click here to read an update on Diane and her dating experiences.
(45) Ashley, June 27, 2013 3:56 PM
happiness comes from within, married or single
I have been married for 17 years and have 3 children. Nevertheless, I can tell you that happiness doesnt come from marriage and neither should self worth. One can be unhappy in marriage. My biggest learning has been to understand that I am valuable and enough because I am me. Not for any other reason. The challenge is really self acceptance, self love and reliance on G-d. You are valuable and special, married or single. More than anything I bless you that you should discover your unique precious beauty. Don't ever doubt that. Dont doubt yourself or your value. And, MOST IMPORTANT, never believe that G-d has given up on you.
(44) Roo, August 16, 2006 12:00 AM
pity party
Being called an aunt doesn't make you invisible. It's an extra title: you already are a daughter,sister,friend,etc. The attention doesn't always have to be on you. You feel invisible because the new baby has turned your sister in a family celebrity. Listen, I've been married twice and engaged 2 other times in the frum community. I didn't go on dates and expect men to"beg" me to marry them(although many did). I went on dates with an attitude that I wanted to get married. I made sure everyone knew I was eager to get married and that I wanted everyone to set me up on dates. I also think orthodox men want marriage more than non-orthodox men. As far as sitting home and watching tv: um, if I do it's either news or watching a kiddie program with my kid(she wants me to see it so I can share the excitement with her). I'm plenty busy with things to do around the house. By the way: besides a good attitude toward dating, one must look good too. When I was single I had a great figure, applied make-up, made sure I didn't look shlumpy or tired. I have a BS degree but come from no money, was divorced, baal teshuva, but still married well. So obviously you need to look good, act interested , and keep up with the news and be informed to make interesting conversations. I wish I has given birth younger than age 39 because it's very hard physically to raise a child. I'm no fun on the playground anymore.
(43) Anonymous, August 14, 2006 12:00 AM
Good luck
I wish you luck. I am now 53. For me there is no longer any hope for children ( I went deeply into debt in my 40's with 4 years of unsuccessful in vitro), and if I met anyone now I would probably resent him for not showing up sooner. Not that there's much chance of that. The local Jewish organizations are not single-friendly, and all of my friends have married and moved away. Once you hit 50 and you're single, you're invisible -- both to other people and to God.
Yehudit, August 28, 2014 8:11 PM
How can you decide "invisible to God"???
With all due respect, God is LOTS more powerful than any human being, including you, and He created you anyway. So how on earth can you make the decision that anyone is "invisible to God"???
(42) Eddie, July 29, 2004 12:00 AM
Success ??
Diane,
You appear to have reached your pinnacle of success, but realize all that you have possibly given up.
It's too bad the world see's things so differently today. It always seems to be about "Me". What makes ME happy, what is good for ME, what is not good for ME.
I'm married 20 years, and there is no ME. There is US. I'll bet alot of you have not heard that word in awhile. It's a very beautiful, sharing, caring and loving word, "US".
I work, and my wife is a stay at home mom. I help her with everything I can, and alas, she does the same for me. We are FRIENDS, we are LOVERS, and we are PARTNERS.
Our feelings were, if we are going to be bringing children into this world, we want them raised by US, with OUR values, our beliefs, and our traditions. Not raised and influenced by some stranger, a nanny, whatever they are called today.
But alas, you are succsessful. I hate to think about all of the great moments in life you have missed. Nothing that would compare to your "Professional" successes, I'm sure, but rather holding your childs hand when your walking, kissing them to tell them you love them, comforting them when their scared, watching them grow and become little poeple. No, it's probably not as grand as all of the "successful" women in our world would like to make it out to be. It's simple, it's uncluttered, but it's real. Truly real.
I hope your personal life overcomes your professional life....if it does, you WILL see what I'm talking about.
Good Luck.
(41) Anita Delmer, April 27, 2004 12:00 AM
Single Women Everywhere Rejoice!
I'm not by definition Jewish, I'm past sixty, once married, and the mother of three. I could not be prouder of you if I were your mother. I truly hope your prayers are answered, but if they are not, know that your life has meaning beyond marriage and family. Blessed be.
(40) Anonymous, March 22, 2004 12:00 AM
Right on!
Thanks for your insight, some of which I share. I am a Jewish educator, proud of my people, my profession, and my commitment to Jewish values and traditions. Nevertheless a Jewish man hasn't asked me on a date since my first date in high school. I am attractive to nonJewish men, but my experience in 4 cities reflects no interest of any Jewish man in my talent, sense of humor, cooking skills, accomplishments, imagination, love of travel, languages, animals, etc. I'm 60 now, surrounded with children from nonJewish spouses, many of whom cannot relate to the concepts of peoplehood and identity. If God cares at all, there's a lot of work to do to turn our future around.
(39) Chinese Single Woman, January 18, 2004 12:00 AM
Same everywhere
I am not Jewish, not even religious. Besides that, I am in the same situation of most of you Jewish sisters out there – 30 plus, single, independent, you name it. It is a universal "generation" phenomenon.
For me, marriage (and kids) is never a necessity. But I am not against it. It is great to see happily married couple and wonderful family.
Why are we still single? Because we are looking for a soul mate, a life partner, not just someone, anyone. IF the bashert is out there, we don’t have to look for him, our paths will cross.
(38) Anonymous, November 12, 2003 12:00 AM
Good article
I think it is very easy for many in our generation to turn a blind eye to just how bad marriage prospects have become for many in our generation.
I think it is encumbent upon us as Jews, particularly those who have any knowledge of the Torah approach to dating and marriage, to influence others to readopt a purpuseful attitude to dating. Dating is not about having fun, procuring recreational sex, making your girl friends/guy friends envious of your social desireability. It's about finding a life partner, who you can share a transcendent sense of purpose with.
I also think feminism has contributed more than just about anything to the destruction of the family. It's trivialized childrearing, demonized men, and taught women that it's an acceptable practice, even a noble ideal, to approach their marriages in a self-centered fashion. One can still find self-respect, a satisfying marital relationship, and a fulfilling career, without turning one's personal relationships into power struggles.
(37) , October 26, 2003 12:00 AM
What about the boys?
I am a few years younger than the author so I think that it is important to remember the extreme 'careerism' of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Any expression of feminity or admitting an interest in marriage was considered a disgrace to the 'cause' of advancing the role of women. I think young people today are much more balanced in seeing that being a feminine woman and having goals are not mutually exclusive.
I work with highly educated Americans and foreign nationals. I find that Jewish people more than others want to be in a perfect financial situation before marriage. While others are willing to reside in 'couples housing' while finishing a degree, Jews are willing to wait much longer. Many young Jewish men don't start working in their main career till they are 30. Then they surround themselves in a 'singles world.' Aish keeps publishing these articles about women but the recent National Jewish Population Survey showed that only 48% of Jewish men between 25 and 34 are married compared to the national rate of 59%. For Jewish women the rate is 64% compared to 70%. It might be the same for women college grads.
Of course many of the men will marry, often around 35. But many become 'professionally' single and 'set in their ways.' I know Christian and Jewish single men and it amazes me how more remote the Jewish men are from even imagining marriage. Non-Jews have married friends and siblings so even if they have problems that preclude committment, marriage is the norm. The Jewish guys live in a world where being 40 and single is acceptable. They are still 'post-Collegiate.' Some are so terrified of committment that they don't even bother to date. Or they seek women who have little interest in marriage. They enjoy their freedom to travel and acquire things and see little benefit in life with a woman.
And while women face menopause, most men outside of Hollywood are not looking to start a family in their 50s.
Its a quick hop from the 'older singles' scene to the 'young senior citizen' scene. This new cohort of old bachelors will blend right in but require medical and social services.
I think we ought to step back and figure out what messages we give boys that allowed this situation to develop. Perhaps affluent parents don't know how to cut the strings and let their sons become men.
(36) Diane, October 25, 2003 12:00 AM
Fabulous article - and boy could I relate!
Diane, we two seem so alike in so many ways, I could feel your pain and passion throughout your article.
I too, never had a desire to get married in my 20's or 30's, but I always did want to have 4 or 5 children. However, when I turned 40 things seemed to change and I realized I DID want to marry, but by then I felt I was 'too old', or it was 'too late' or all the 'good ones' were taken.
Not one to wallow in self-pity, I began offering cooking classes for Jewish Singles on Jewish Singles weekends (I am a professional chef – albeit one with a graduate degree in English!) as well as in North Jersey. As it turned out the classes were the runaway hit of the weekends and I can notch more than a few marriages into my belt as a result of the classes! As it turned out, I met my husband in one of those classes – chocolate truffles!
We married the day after Shavuot, 1999, and discovered unfortunately, that my dream of having children was not to be. But to spend the rest of my life with a man who adores me is its own reward.
(35) Anonymous, October 25, 2003 12:00 AM
Middle-aged SJF
I don't think it's right to be cavalier about remaining unmarried.
I really feel that the observant community has an obligation to help people overcome whatever barriers they have--internal or external--to getting married. Everyone's so busy! We singles need and deserve some mentoring and someone to introduce us around a little, smooth the way. Some kind of bulletin board thing so that people with shared interests can find each other. In the D.C. area, there's only one Jewish publication. You can run a personals ad but not advertise a social event unless it's part of an "established organization." The need here is real. I know plenty of older singles who just seem so lost.
(34) Annonymous, October 25, 2003 12:00 AM
What's good for the goose is good for the gander
I am a single 40 something involved in the jewish community who recently met a wonderful, man who is not jewish. In my community many jewish men married asian women.. They all have children and their children attend hebrew school at the reformed synagogue... I decided a few years ago, that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. My jewish girlfriend also began dating outside the community and she recently married a Japanese American man. The jewish community can lament over all the intermarriages yet they don't walk their talk by trying to outreach to the 38% of us that are single. Since the jewish community does not find this problem so important, why should I?
(33) Anonymous, October 25, 2003 12:00 AM
Shla HaKadosh?
I really enjoyed this article. So many times as a singleton, one feels like one is put on the back burner, while the marrieds with children get attention. However I'm glad I waited for my beshert, and have made career choices I have, and am also glad to have read this article which I can relate to in many ways! I am wondering, though, about the prayer mentioned written by the Shla HaKadosh. I am unfamiliar with this prayer - how could I get a hold of it and prayers like it?
(32) Sarah Devorah, October 24, 2003 12:00 AM
There is hope and I'm proof
I am Jewish and at 50 a single parent with a almost 6 year-old daughter. I am raising my daughter Ariel myself and we participate actively within our local Jewish community. I had given up on ever having children and then I was blessed by a mischievous angel. You ask about having enough energy - and I can attest to the fact that somehow you find it (I coach my daughters soccer team and never played before in my life). I was not married when I had my daughter and I remain single (not many 50 year old Jewish men are interested in a 5 1/2 year old - but I say - it's their loss). I have always been career oriented and that hasn't changed.... I make adjustments. I had Ariel when I finally said to God - ok, so I guess I won't have children (because I wasn't married) and I started doing volunteer work with teens (1 year later I was a new mother). Of course things didn't take the expected turn but I wouldn't change a thing. I just wanted you to know that things happen as they are supposed to happen and you never know when you will meet the "right one".
sincerely,
sarah
(31) Stephen French, October 23, 2003 12:00 AM
One lucky man
After reading your story I am convinced that someday their will be one really lucky man in the world. You are a sparkle in the night, a star that shines bright. Most men would give anything for a women as you so keep your light bright until only what God has for you is given to you as your gift.A rose is a precious beauty to behold...
(30) sonia, October 23, 2003 12:00 AM
life, life, that's all
One thing left me thinking in the article. You're right, there's no reason for self pity, yet you look as if you're too much waiting to form a family to find meaning to your life. With al my heart I wish you do. But it may happen that you have to content yourself with the family you have now, and friends, and the suroundings. Life is a whole in that way, too. Life is a kind of adventure and you do not know what comes in the next chapter. But every one is a happy ending. Because happines is your choice. And as long as you feel wholeness in yourself, you are part of another wholeness.
(29) Mark, October 23, 2003 12:00 AM
All of you are wrong
I am a 31 year old Jewish male and I'm about to get married in December. My fiance and I discussed this article and the issue of people (and Jews in particular) having difficulty with relationships and marriage (even getting started let alone sustaining them). The conclusion we both came to is that our generation is far too self centered and lacks the capacity to allow others into our life. I further propose that the lack of suitable marriage partners is an illusion and self imposed - any of you who claim to want marriage can have it. Instead our standards are unrealistic and grounded in fantasy because we are afraid to share our life with somebody. Your standards are just thinly veiled excuses for not getting involved. I can guarantee everybody that friendships are absolutely no substitute for an actual relationship - you are lying to yourself if you believe otherwise.
Letting somebody else in is scary. Both my fiance and I have lost a certain level of independence but we gained a precious lifeline between us. I cannot always do what I want and neither can she. But the compromise is worth it.
I would ask the author how she proposes to find a marriage partner when she "truly hadn't given him any thought as I planned my future" (referring to an ex-boyfriend). You can certainly operate that way if you wish, but relationships and marriage require considering the needs of your partner. In marriage, every action needs to be thought about in terms of how it impacts "us" and not just "me". People who cannot think in these terms cannot sustain a relationship and get married.
Lastly, let me address the relative importance of marriage and children vs. career and education. I feel that Jewish culture has overemphasized the importance of education and career to the exclusion of everything else. People do what is rewarded and in Jewish culture success is measured by degrees and money. That is the brutal truth. Both my fiance and I are highly educated and are continuing to advance our education since we understand its importance. However we both understand the following - for most of us, when we die nobody will care how many projects we completed or cases we won. Instead our impact on society is ultimately dependent on what we leave behind - our offspring. Without marriage and kids what would our life look like after retirement? Think about it - and consider the long term consequences of your actions and attitudes. Being single is not a real life - all of you deep down know that. You feel that something is missing. God will not fix this, your parents cannot, your Rabbi cannot, and the Jewish community will not fix it. Only you can.
(28) Chana Gila D., October 22, 2003 12:00 AM
Thank you for your Chizuk, Diane... Mrs. "Anonymous" Missed the Point Entirely
"Anonymous" obviously still doesn't get it and missed the author's point entirely! Diane is not stuck in any "feminist quagmire" and has not been "ignoring [her] G-d given purpose in life in order to have...a 'career'. She just simply hasn't met the right man for her. Period. And this happens to more people than we want to admit. Just like infertility happens to more couples than people want to admit.
Not once in her article did I hear Diane belittle raising children or marrying. And, the fact of the matter is, she is right, unless you have ten children, simply 'having kids' is not really an accomplishment for most married women. It is an unfortunate spiritual truth that most people take for granted what comes to them easily. However, what I do hear is Diane's gratitude for what she DOES have: friends, intelligence, loving parents, livelihood, involvement in the Jewish community, etc. She's definitely a person I myself would value being friends with.
Anonymous, Torah teaches us that one of the most important jobs in the entire world is that done by those who recognize their skills, strengths, abilities, and talents, regardless of whether they're able to physically attract a spouse or bear children.
What would you say about a woman who has endometriosis, a disease of the uterus that often prevents one from bearing children "naturally"? Is she a bad person just because she is physically unable to be "a mother who shapes a precious neshama into being a good Jew"? What would you say to a handicapped woman who was unable to find her Bashert or have children because of her disability, yet found other meaningful ways to be of service in G-d's universe?
You say that "There is no more important job in the world than being 'somone's mother'. What hogwash! I am nobody's "mother", as my husband and I share the dilemma of male factor infertility. However, I have served as a mentor to people of all ages, including teenagers, when their own "mothers" couldn't care less about them. I am an accomplished writer and volunteer in the community on different levels. My life is more satisfying to me than that of some mothers I know personally, and I know Hashem doesn't value my contributions in this world any less than theirs.
It saddens me that you seem to have been “brainwashed into helping to destroy” the spirit of single Jewish people like this author, who, in my eyes, has shown great courage and faith in a situation of struggle and challenge.
And even sadder that you are so delusional to believe that her chances for marriage and children at her age are so slim. I recently attended the wedding of two wonderful people at our shul, and both of them were in at least their mid-40s.
I think that, when this woman is old and looks back at her life, she will see that she had much value to her life and did the best with what she had... which is the greatest gift to Hashem that one can give.
If it sounds like I have taken your comments personally, you’re right, because I identify with this woman’s struggle. And I am glad I got the opportunity to read it, because it reminds me of everything good I have in my life today, even if it is lacking in some areas.
Anonymous, I pray that G-d blesses you with a more open mind and heart to realize that marriage and motherhood are not necessarily the end-all, be-all aims for every person.
Be well.
(27) Malky, October 22, 2003 12:00 AM
Thank you Diane
Dear Diane,
Thank your for your great article, which includes so much chisuk!! Also not married - I appreciated all the points you brought to the open! It confirms - that I'm ok! As we receive all kinds of comments every so often.
Good luck in climbing the ladder of the future! May G"d bless you in all aspects.
with thanks
Malky
(26) Anonymous, October 22, 2003 12:00 AM
Great article
Great article; I relate 100%. I hope now though that you don't regret not having travelled to HK or toured. I am 40 and if such an opportunity came my way, I think I'd take it!
(25) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
My Single Days' are over.....
Your article was not only heart-wrenching, but it was also very true to my life until 6 months ago. As a respectable and educated individual,I was not shy about trying anything honorable in bringing me closer to finding my soulmate. As a religious-minded SJF, I changed my life drastically over the last 5 years in order to add more meaning and fullfillment. As a result of giving up a secular Jewish lifestyle and adapting to a more religious way of life, I enhanced my network of other like-minded female contacts who were also seeking out more Judaism and seeking a soulmate/husband of quality and substance. This new education about Judaism and Torah made sense to me and I slowly adapted to it over time. As a result of my new friendships, a small network of other single woman was formed at The Village Shul, in Toronto, and we encouraged each other to have faith that by staying connected to Hashem we would all meet our Bashert sometime soon. I was ready to give up hope, when my friends encouraged me to sign up with frumster.com which is an international site for religious-minded singles to meet someone on-line. I thought that it was a crazy and ridiculous way for a religious girl to meet someone, but that it was worth a try. I e-mailed 25 guys throughout Canada and the US and NOTHING happened. I wasn't anyones type or they were already dating someone. I was ready to throw it all in and decided to give this site ONE MORE DAY...if I didn't meet someone by Shabbos,of that week, my plan was to delete my profile permanently from the system and try something else. To my complete amazement, Thursday afternoon I received an e-mail from someone in Toronto who also wanted to meet someone kind, religious and respectable for the purpose of marriage. He was on the system for 8 months and was only meeting people who was not interested in him. I was completely awe-struck and amazed when he showed up at my door just 4 days after my birthday for a date. Then two months and two days later, we became engaged and our wedding plans are well under way for our big day in December, 2003. So to all of you amazing and single women, stay focused on the important things in life and you, too, will find your soulmate. The most important thing to dating sensibly in todays world, is to make a list of the qualities that you are looking for in a mate and stick to the list. Do not comprimise your values for a better looking person, but rather find someone whose values compliment yours and you will be much happier in the long run.
All the best,
& Shabbat Shalom.
(24) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
The author still doesn't get it
The author still seems to be stuck in that feminist quagmire that trapped women into ignoring their G-d given purpose in life in order to have what they call a "career".
The author belittles raising children and marrying, even going so far as to say, "unless you have ten children, simply 'having kids' is not really an accomplishment". However, Torah teaches us that the most important job in the entire world is that done by a mother who shapes a precious neshama into being a good Jew. There is no more important job in the world than being "somone's mother".
It is very, very sad to me that this poor woman has been brainwashed into helping to destroy the Jewish people and even sadder that she is so delusional about her chances for marriage and children at her age.
Yes, some people have gotten married and had children in their 40s, but many, many more who marry late find that they are infertile and don't have enough child-bearing years left to fix the problem.
When this woman is old and looks back at her life, she will see that she gave up the most important job in the world, that of being a wife and mother, [and ridiculed it as beneath her] in order to be "just another lawyer".
Where on earth did the author get the warped and delusional notion that married women with children just "sit around the house all day and watch television"? Again, feminist brainwashing. Married women are generally more fulfilled than their single counterparts and women who are mothers are the most fulfilled of all, as they know that they are accomplishing what they were put here for.
This article is a good example of the damage that the sick plans of feminism have wrought.
(23) ELINOR SLAGG, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
WELL WRITTEN
IT HAS GIVEN ME INSIGHT HAVING A DAUGHTER OF 43 AND SINGLE, PROFESSIONAL
AND ALSO COMPLETED LAW SCHOOL AND SEVERAL MASTER'S DEGREES. IN ADDITION TO
BEING A BLONDE, BLUE EYED BEAUTY.
(22) Andy Rechtshaffen, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
Don't miss out on a rare opportunity ...
I find that a lot of singles are too focussed on what they are missing, and as a result, waste a tremendous opportunity.
Singles are blessed with time, freedom, energy, and in many cases, disposable income. While I would not give up the blessings of marriage and children, I look back fondly on the days when I could use all my talents and energy to change the world in a wider way.
I no longer have much time to learn Torah. In my single days, I took off a year to attend yeshiva, and am still reaping the benefits.
I could travel, for business or pleasure, but now I have neither money nor the freedom to do so.
I could sense needs in the community, and apply myself to addressing them. In my case, I arranged a shadchan service for ba'alei teshuva, set up a new mincha minyan near my work, and wrote a marketing plan for kiruv.
There are sick people who need visiting, and entire organizations that need to be started and managed that can make a real difference in peoples' lives.
The point is, you don't know if it is Hashem's plan that you get married, and while you need to do your part and date and daven for yourself and others, you also have to be ready to accept that it may not happen. But that doesn't mean Hashem doesn't expect to hear from you! Get involved in your community, reach your potential as a giving human being. At the same time, your value and attractiveness as a life partner to the right kind of person only grows.
(21) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
we need to support our children
I recently asked an older friend of mine how was her son (who is my age) and she said she had talked to hime and said, "(Son), I hope you marry before I die." and he replied, "Mom, I hope I marry before I die."
This man never lacks for dates and they are always some glamorous type. And I do believe that is what the women's movement has given us, the "glamor" in the original sese of the meaning. Not God's truth but a cover-up. There were and are many reasons for the political purposes of the Woman's Movement but really, do you think that anything has really changed vis-a-vis the way sex is sold in the media. Women's bodies are still being used to sell things. And, as I pointed out to a friend, my daughter is not as likely to be on the cover of Newsweek because she has been raised to be a good studious girl with a committment to Judaism (and by the way, she is a little beauty also) AS one who suffered through infertility , and then was blessed with two children, I say that we must be honest with our girls and boys and tell them that their purpose in life is not to wear the flashiest shoes or carry the most expensive gear. That there's an opportune time to have and rear babies. We, as a community of Jews committed to keeping and enlarging the Jewish family, can find ways to support young families.
(20) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
article comment
I'd like to respond to anonymous still doesn't get it - that one factor here is that sometimes single people really, really, really want to get married and this is becoming an issue for men and women alike but they simply can't find anyone suitable for themselves to marry. You can want to me a wife and mother with all your heart and soul, but if you are not yet fortunate to have found and married your bashert - well then you are not to blame for being single and are not making some "big mistake." You are simply trying to lead the best life you can and be the most you can as a person until you are blessed to find your bashert - and know it.
(19) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
Yeah, right. Let's see how you feel when you're 50.
At your age, I had hope, too. In my 40's I decided to have a baby, even though I had not met my Mr. "Not So Disgusting that the Sight of Him Makes Me Puke." After numerous miscarriages, and the acquisition of a cat with each (and 50 extra pounds from the hormone medications), my doctor informed me that motherhood was not in the cards. So much for "a joyful fallback plan."
As you get older, your options diminish, they don't increase. Your friends marry, have kids and move to the suburbs, your social circle involves other single women and workmates who are usually younger than you are. You are in a constant whirl of having to congratulate people on their marriages and babies. The people your own age are constantly kvelling about their children and grandchildren. You can only be happy for other people for so long without getting something back.
While there are older single men out there, You find that the men your own age want women 15-20 years younger. That would make me eligible for a guy in Depends who puts his teeth in a jar each night. If that's all I have to look forward to, I'll take my cats. At least they like to cuddle.
(18) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
Very Brave Author
I want to thank the author for having the courage to write this article - to acknowledge publically the enormous shift in values she has undergone - and the pain accompanying that shift. I too grew-up with the secular values that career was "everything" and marriage/children were something to approach with caution - and potentially avoid altogether. Then miraculously at 24 years old I was introduced to Torah Judaism which made me rethink almost everything I'd learned in college and the accompanying values. It was painfully challenging to integrate Torah values - that being a wife is a privledge with great responsibilities (not demeaning) that being a mother is probably the greatest challenge on earth (as opposed to something "anyone" can do well). Thank G'd today I am married and I'm a mother. But I honestly feel that by the kindness of G'd I was given these gifts - and had it not been for people involved with Kiruv - who really cared about me (even though they barely knew me) - I would G'd forbid not have these gifts today. I hope with everything inside me that Diane too receives these gifts soon.
(17) Anonymous, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
marriage and motherhood
In a truly good marriage, the husband and wife are partners who help each other and grow together.
Now with motherhood, a lot of women in this world in general find it more rewarding to have a carreer than to be a mother. But really motherhood is more rewarding because you have raised children who are our future. That child might become someone great. And even if he/she is just an average person, you have accomplished a lot by raising him/her.
(16) Lisa Williamson, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
Having just read all the comments to your article, and having re-read what you wrote, I find it puzzling at best that there are some readers who were unable to glean the truth and beauty of your eloquent and articulate observations.
Your words speak not only of your situation but that of an entire generation. The feminist movement while laden with good and important goals, infected future generations with the incorrect notion that to be whole, women needed to be the same as men rather then suggesting we revel in our complimentary differences. This insidious idea has unfortunately left our society bereft of something wonderful and is an enormous loss for society.
Indeed, we who have been fortunate enough to return to Torah truth, as you have so beautifully stated, know that marriage and children are wonderful goals. "It's not just skipping a party -- a wedding is a "simcha," a joyful occasion, a door which then opens doors to more joyful events in the future, including the birth of children and grandchildren. In the moment of nuptials, the couple's future generations are anticipated. There are few moments in a Jewish person's life that contain more possibility."
And like you, "Quietly, we all assumed we would marry eventually, that an appropriate, smart, industrious and kind man would appear, be devoted to us, and beg us to marry, and we would acquiesce."
Nonetheless, we perservere. We continue to call the matchmakers, let every person we meet know we are "looking", divulge to virtual strangers more personal information than is confortable, dress-up for yet another blind date and hope and pray that this one will be "the one".
But we also know that the Torah tells us and G-d tells us, that each and everyone of us is unique and important, and that we should find joy in what we DO have. Who is rich? One who is content with their lot - which is what you state so clearly when you say "But I also recognize that the joys of married life and family may still be ahead for me, and understand that my job is to be happy with what I have now, and to become prepared for what lies ahead."
And, while we all endure those dark moments of despair as even the 43 year old from New York, or the over 50 year old who commented here, we need to find joy, build hope, and continue to pray that Hashem will help you, me, and all of the other singles yearning for their true zivug (match) to find him/her in the right time, but hopefully VERY SOON!
You are right -
"It is a big test to be single, but it is one we should strive to pass, not lament."
May you blessed this year with finding your Beshert, and having the opportunity to meet that next challenge of marriage and children in good health, with lots of happiness, and much success!
(15) Starry, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
"Invisible"
If you want to truly test being 'invisible' to men, sit in a wheelchair and attend respectable, Jewish courses, lectures, etc.
Your intelligence, communication skills, physical appearance or attire are never noticed because you'll suddenly know what the word "INVISIBLE" truly means.
Men assume they'll have to become caregivers and never be rewarded i.e. acts of procreation. A 'good' friend told me, "My friends would never date you...you're in a chair." My own uncle called me a 'cripple.' Even rabbi's view me as 'damaged goods.'
I've done the marriage bit, but, wrong guy.
I'd love to marry again, have a home, a partner, emotional intimacy, etc. My standards are as high as ever, because as I grow older, I am wiser, smarter and am kinder. But the only men attracticed to me have I.Q.'s of 80 or are totally focused on their own disabilities and want to 'compare notes.'
There's enough going on that's more important and interesting...that's what I enjoy discussing.
And to all you guys out there wondering, "Yes, I CAN do it."
(14) Emanuel Gentilcore, October 21, 2003 12:00 AM
I am surprised this article is amoung the usually execellent articles present at Aish Ha Torah's website.
Making efforts not to abandon a feminist conviction by avoiding marriage for career is not at all within the confines of any Torah outlook. The Torah approach would wisely save someone from such faulty reasoning resulting in the self discrutive behavior of someone who appears to aviod self pity by trying to convince herself she did not make a mistake.
The statement, "unless you have ten children, simply 'having kids' is not really an accomplishment" would certainly not be considered true even by the most secular of mothers and it is a prefect example of a non-Torah feminist approach that is not consistent
with reality and the nature of women. There is no clearer proof for this other then the author loginging for children.
(13) Anonymous, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
The Women`s Movement Addressed an Extreme in Man/Women Relationship
Prior to the feminist movement and after WWII - the status of women was very circumscribed, even dismal particularly as women became mature but not treated as autonomous adults. Women were always seen as `children` in a sense - like the slaves in the South in early America. Attitudes regarding women were almost as a separate species from men, sex objects exploited for selling refrigerators, cars, plane tickets. A kind of inhumanity as women were always judged on their youth and appearance and discouraged from entering or kept out of the professions such as medicine, university professorships, and the higher echelons in the corporate world were with rare exception closed to women. Women were demeaned, objects of derision in humor, characterizations of women in literature, film, conversations often demeaning, objects of contempt/pity. Women were divided according to hair color object for projection by men of emotional conflicts that was not about women at all, but themselves. The individuality of women submerged beneath a quagmire of discrimination at all levels and could not stay as it was. Something had to change in attitudes that effected in such discrimination at all levels for women.
It was all about being `other` defined. In many ways not unlike anti-Semitism. Ignorance over women`s sexuality and rights was pandemic. Women in the minds of both men and women were as if contained in a narrow strip of the world where we were permitted to exist - with no support system from other women as we were pitted against one an other in competition for the only thing that mattered, connection to a man as a wife, and to a house. Most women were limited to secretaries, social workers, and teachers. Subservient to men at all rungs. We were all but invisible outside the rules and perceptions created by men for men. It was terrible. It was what is called oppression. And it had to change.
The political ramifications of the feminist movement, however, in its alignment with the Left, and in terms of Jewish women`s representation in the rebellion of the 70s, in my view, also had negative effect. Lost progeny for the Jewish people as women gave priority to education and their careers and missed out on marriage and childbearing. Also, as women widened their range in the public arena outside of immediate community - the high intermarriage rate. The pendulum swung very far and it is imperative that we find the right medium.
(12) Daniel Stuhlman, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
Everything you say is true. However, you leave out the idea of partnership. No one is alone in this world. We all need friends, colleagues, and partners. With God's help your spouse can become a partner who can share your home, your life and your future. Career and individuality and as much of a part of life as marriage and family. Life is a struggle that I would rather face with a partner who shares my vision and quest than face alone.
Everyday I pray that G-d will help me find a partner.
(11) Anonymous, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
Having even one child is a rewarding accomplishment
I must totally disagree with the author's statement that "And unless you have ten children, simply "having kids" is not really an accomplishment unless you suffered infertility first. "
Raising even one child is an incredible accomplishment, regardless of past fertility issues. I'm sorry for the author if she does not see the value of every mother's job regardless of her employment status, eduation level or number of offspring. I am happy for her that she finds fulfillment in life without marriage and children. Perhaps when she has her first child, if she ever choses to marry, she will enjoy it for the beautiful blessing and accomplishment that it is.
(10) Simona, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
amen sister :-)
Its difficult being a Jewish Woman, in a non-Jewish world. I know the difficulties of singledom. Its self imposed b/c I value finding a Jewish man to spend my time with and that leaves me with few options. And the unfortunate truth is that I'm not alone.
A great aunt last week commented to me that I must start to think about the future and find a man (as if it was as easy as buying a new sofa). That I needed to think about making a future for myself. I told her very confidentally that I am doing just that by going back to school and getting a degree. I am making a future for myself and not relaying on a man I have not yet met to make that future for me.
I hope someday that my bashert will cross my path and that we will have the good fortune to know that we are meant to be together. I also hope that we will marry, buy a home and settle down to have at least four children... But until that day comes I hope that me and my other SJF friends will continue to fill our lives with friends, work, and growing and learning as people.
(9) Rox, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
Refreshing!
I am not Jewish but I am aware of the Noachide Law and I enjoy checking in on Torah study at Aish.com.
This is a refreshing article from the usual gotta-have-a-marriage-and-baby focused articles on Aish. The author truly reminds me of Sarah in this aspect. She saw the value of children and marriage in her life, and had one of the most solid families in history....but she was most certainly OK without all of it too. Her own inner life simply was at peace in patience in waiting for God's timing, not her own.
This truly is an example of trust in G-d. Impressive. And I totally disagree with the poster who insinuated that it's too late. It's never, NEVER too late, too difficult, too much for God. May the author be blessed with a wonderful Jewish husband and kids.
(8) Devorah, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
To Annonymous re:Having even one child is a rewarding accomplishment...
Please read the article again...Diane, in no way, would ever down play the significance of having/raising a child, or the importance of parenting! In fact, she (along with HaShem, of course) enabled someone to have the financial means to adopt, thereby "partnering" with that couple so they could have another child. It's simply not something to be looked at as "an accomplishment", but as a blessing! Marriage and children are but two of the blessings we may experience. I believe the author is trying to help other singles increase their ability to fully appreciate the other blessings in their lives. So please, dear reader, take time to re-read the article and take in the FULL message!
(7) Donna Karen, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
How True and Resonant
Diane must have been inside my mind when she read this. Like her, I am an "older" (note the quotataion marks, I don't consider myself "older" but the demographics may disagree) single woman committed to joyfully living my life according to Jewish values but alas, without the companionship of my Beshert. Three cheers for so accurately and gently admonishing the rest of us to focus on what's REALLY important without losing hope.
Diane touched upon one fact that is critical: that the growing trend of "older" Jewish singles is sorely underserved by most synagogues and Jewish communities. Perhaps we should take it upon ourselves to develop meaningful, worthwhile and affordable programming designed to fulfill our own very unique needs. Jewish Singles have much to offer their respective communities and it's not only up to the greater communities to reach out to their singles' constituency, but it's also the individual's responsibility to seek out meaningful community life. This has helped me feel connected despite my not-particularly-desirable-but-actually-very-bearable-and-often-joyful singlehood.
(6) Paul Ackman, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
If there are so many great single women, please introduce me to one!
I am a marriage-minded 48 year old SJM. I have never been married. I have been in 3 long-term relationships. My first steady girlfriend is paranoid-schizophrenic. My second girlfriend and I decided we are too much like brother and sister to marry. She is my best friend and is trying to find me a match now. My third girlfriend moved out to find fame and fortune. I never tried to be 48 and single, neither did I rush out to marry the first woman who would say yes.
Perhaps Miss Faber is the exception, but I find that women under 48 have no interest in a man my age who never married, while women 48 and up have no interest in a man who wants to marry and start a family. I must confess that while I am reasonably cute, well educated, fairly prosperous and successful, healthy, and well regarded in the community, my social skills are rather ordinary. Most women under 48 who meet me believe that if they look around long enough, sooner or later, they'll find something better. By the time they change their minds, they are almost invariably too old to have children.
Many women are offended by a man whose focus is marriage and family. Many of them have the attitude, "We'll marry if I choose, have children if I choose, and if you won't support me on this, why should I tolerate your insensitivity?" Sometimes, with age comes understanding. Always, with age comes age.
I live in Virginia, work for Department of Navy as a scientist/technical manager, and would prefer not to relocate. Please contact me if you have a suitable woman. I will be happy to send you my photo or cv.
Sincerely,
Paul Ackman
paulackman@yahoo.com
(5) Shulamis, October 20, 2003 12:00 AM
Thank You for the Refreshing Article
My commendation on your refreshing and clearly written article. I too, find it hard to find other SJF's who are positive about life instead of mourning their single state. One of my best friends finally got married when she stopped waiting for marriage to start her life and started taking care of herself and her future. Now she has an even richer life to share with her husband, which they share wholeheartedly. To all SJF's out there - stop moping and start living. The most attractive thing a man sees in a woman is happiness. I agree wholeheartedly with the author that we should all concentrate on being truly good people and b'nos yisrael while putting reasonable efforts into finding our basherts.
(4) Anonymous, October 19, 2003 12:00 AM
I hear you
Hi Diane,
I just wanted to let you know how much your words speak to me and how deeply understood I feel by your thoughts. Your approch to singlehood is inspiring and I hope a lot of other SJFs -and SJMs for that matter- read it and feel enlightened by it. Singlehood is just a frame, it's what you put in the picture that makes your life, and prepares for the next stage, whatever it might be.
Best -and through you to all those singles out there making the best out of it-,
One of the bunch
(3) Anonymous, October 19, 2003 12:00 AM
What an awe inspiring attitude
One of the things I pray for in my Amida prayer is that Hashem should help me improve my attitude.
I regularly have to deal with self pity and despair. I have definately improved over the last year thanks to my teachers and an excellent counsellor, but I have some way to go yet.
Reading your article has given me strength and encouragement that it can be done, with G-d's help.
Have a wonderful year, full of blessing and success. I hope that this year you find your perfect match.
(2) Anonymous, October 19, 2003 12:00 AM
The "Women's Movement" Is More About Hating Men Than Loving Women
Your article hits so many nails on the head that you could build a house! The so called women's movement lied to you, to men and to the nation. Unfortunately, you and so many others bought into their propaganda that a successful women means only one who has attained financial independence and status in the corporate world. I applaud your clarity now and honesty about mistakes you make along the way. I also admire your positive attitude and sense of humor. I am sure that your beshert is out there waiting for you and that the Almighty will bring you together soon. I know you and can tell you that although your being a Harvard Law School graduate and partner at a prestigious law firm is indeed notable, what is far more impressive to me is the wonderful person you are as a Jew, a woman and a human being. G-d bless!
(1) Anonymous, October 19, 2003 12:00 AM
Oh come On?
Trying to have a child in the 40's? Remember that we may have come from women who gave birth at very old ages, however I dont think that anyone should rely on miracles and try to do things when appropriate.