My family claims that if I had gotten my teenage years down pat the first time I lived it, I wouldn't have to keep reliving teen angst. Be that as it may, about a decade ago, life flung a group of teens at me, girls who had nowhere to live for one reason or another.
There are, according to a recent study, over 1,000 homeless Jewish teens in the New York area. While my studio apartment wasn't big enough to accommodate those numbers, I did give the matter some serious thought, And then, when my idealism had sufficiently clouded my reasoning ability, I hauled out mattresses and invited some teens who had been referred to me for crisis intervention to move in with me.
Don't ask what it was like to be surrounded by teen angst, 24/7. And angst it was, because many of these teens were incredibly frail.
How many things can you find wrong with this picture?
In a generation plagued with low self-esteem, folks stand for hours in front of full-length mirrors finding fault with their looks. These girls did the same. My nose is too long, too wide, too short, too crooked. My weight is no good. My complexion is bad. My hair is the wrong color. Have you ever watched a girl in action in front of a mirror? It's as if she's completing a game called, "How many things can you find wrong with this picture?"
I was spared from this activity since I never got a chance to see myself in the mirror anymore. There were too many girls crowded in front of my mirrors, stationed there until they found the next wrong thing with their looks. I heard about some of my flaws (teen girls can be brutally honest), but most days it was a non-stop litany of complaints about what was seriously wrong with their own bodies.
Morning Wash
Jewish law sometimes defies convention. It speaks of outward action, but affects profound inner change. I've discovered that Jewish laws are their own form of therapy, one that implements deep emotional growth. For example, based on the Talmud (Shabbat 50b), we are taught that after washing one's hands in the morning, a person should wash his face in honor of God, as the Torah says "Man was created in the image of God" (Genesis 9:6). Therefore, by washing one's face, it is like cleaning a statue in the image of God.
This law seems laughably simple, even unnecessary to say. Yet we are told that washing one's face is a routine not to be skipped. At the start of each new day, we look ourselves in the mirror and say: My face, with its crooked teeth and pucker between the eyes, was created by God in His image. It is a small statue of Godliness.
Swarovski statuettes sparkle and glisten, for they are made of brilliant crystal by commissioned artists. Every human being is created by the Master of Artists, each with the imprint of God's design. Just as we would treat a beautiful Swarovski statue with respect, so too must we treat our bodies. We are to clean it well and value it well, for it has value far beyond any carved statuette.
Out of Vogue
It would be helpful for girls to grow up with the refrain, "God created your beautiful face." Unfortunately, most of us haven't been exposed to such notions. Instead we are given images of air-brushed models and are appalled when natural faces do not measure up. Most of us deduce that we are deformed if we don't look like we waltzed off the glossy pages of Vogue.
So Judaism gives us a way through this confusion: No matter your age -- whether you are 15 and staring at your acne or 80 and bemoaning your wrinkles -- do not view yourself askance. Take action to respect your face, by washing it each morning.
Most of "my" teens have moved on, marrying and setting up homes of their own. I now have full access to my mirrors. My flaws loom large after so many years of not noticing them. Yet flaws or no flaws, I wash my face each morning. This routine refocuses me at the start of each new day. No pigeon poop on this statue is allowed, no inner critic allowed to tear away at my esteem, for I, just like my teens, just like you, was fashioned by God.
I meet my eye in the mirror and smile back at another glorious creation, a Divine statuette.
(15) Bobby5000, February 29, 2016 2:30 AM
good article but don't blame men
Sports Illustrated featured a plus-signed model but a woman complained. Women criticize women, critique themselves, sisters, and daughters. Talk about this but remember men are easier on women and did not create this system.
(14) Anonymous, May 4, 2014 2:32 AM
Being Grateful One day at a time
This brought tears to my eyes. I was thinking about my daughter but ended up thinking about myself. I had 100s of days wear I could find 20 things wrong with my looks. And I surely was stubborn enough to never change. Unfortunately
it took till I was close to 40 yrs to get over it. And I struggle with it daily. I thought facial symmetry was important. And Hashem made me with one eye different from the other. And both eyes too big. So I could never see attractiveness. A couple friends said it wasn't that noticeable. I did believe them. To be glad with what you have is a blessing. You will feel better than anything else. Try it for a month. I promise something will be better for yu.
(13) Anonymous, February 18, 2009 10:16 AM
to all the girls out there who look in the mirror and only see their flaws: find what you do like about yourself and work with that. It changes your entire perspective. I know what i'm talking about, because I've done it
(12) Anonymous, December 9, 2008 12:51 PM
Rachel's Place is trying to do just that. Established in the Marine Park section of Brooklyn, by a dedicated group of women, Rachel's Place is an 8 bed Transitional Independent Living Program for teenage girls ages 16 to 21.
(11) ata, December 9, 2008 8:29 AM
wow, what a great article! i never knew that washing your face in the morning was a mitzvah, i'll have to pay more attention to that next time! thanks so much!
(10) L.S., December 8, 2008 10:57 PM
can you pass me info?
Well, you're not going to believe this, but Aish has done it again. Namely, whenever I am thinking of something related to religious thought, it is as if Aish is my personal clairvoyant, publishing an article on the subject within that week. I was thinking of using my own studio apartment for helping children and teens in need, and was wondering if Ms. Rosenberg could give me information as to how to find homeless teens (presumably, she did so through an organization, not just picked kids off the street). Also, I would like to know how you protected yourself from assault, robbery, drug/alcohol users, etc while having people in your apartment. Was safety ever an issue? How did you deal with it? If the author would be so kind as to pass over this information, I would appreciate it.
(9) Aliza Hausman, December 7, 2008 10:00 PM
Loving ourselves
Thank you so much for your piece. I think we are much harder on ourselves than we are on others. It's often quite easy for us to see the beauty of others but not the beauty in ourselves. I will definitely look in the mirror with a different perspective.
(8) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 7:28 PM
Teenage angst is forever........
Forget the teen girls misery, it is an always and forever, it's the "more than a thousand homeless teens" that concerns me. With time,the angst usually, is outgrown but the homelessness needs help! Someone, some group DO SOMETHING!
(7) savtigail, December 7, 2008 5:51 PM
What a brilliant article, so so true. I'm so glad that Goldy finally has access to the mirror each morning so she can see the most beautiful girl of all! Yasher Koach, keep up the good work!
(6) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 3:05 PM
What a great positive attitude. I just passed on your idea to my teenage daughter, suggesting that she and I each look in the mirror each morning, smile and say "G-d created my beautiful face." Thanks for putting a smile on our faces and a warm feeling in our hearts.
(5) ruth housman, December 7, 2008 10:39 AM
a poem that's so perfect
Hi, I just finished commenting on your lovely piece and then opened Writers Almanac today to find this poem waiting for me. It so perfectly complements what you have said that I am enclosing it here. Remodeling the Bathroom by Ellen Bass If this were the last day of my life, I wouldn't complain about the shower curtain rod in the wrong place, even though it's drilled into the tiles. Nor would I fret over water marks on the apricot satin finish paint, half sick that I should have used semigloss. No. I'd stand in the doorway watching sun glint off the chrome faucet, breathing in the silicone smell. I'd wonder at the plumber, as he adjusted the hot and cold water knobs. I'd stare at the creases behind his ears and the gray flecks in his stubble. I'd have to hold myself back from touching him. or maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I'd stroke his cheek and study his eyes the amber of cellos, his rumpled brow, the tiny garnet threads of capillaries, his lips resting together, quiet as old friends-- I'd gaze at him as though his were the first face I'd ever seen. "Remodeling the Bathroom" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. (c) BOA Editions, 2002. Reprinted with permission.
(4) ruth housman, December 7, 2008 10:24 AM
miror mirror on the wall
Hi, this is truly a beautiful statement about the divinity that shines through us all. As a therapist I try to provide that mirror of the beauty of the individual, through the journeys I bear witness to, and in so expressing through myself, my awe, I am reflecting back the light and hopefully it will penetrate to those deepest, most inner recesses of hurt to create healing. It's very hard for people who are born terribly disfigured, as the face they present to the world is perceived, with obvious horror, before they are "known". I am thinking now about someone I know, a most luminous, most beautiful person, whose face is covered, like a reptile, with terrible tumors cause by neurofibromatosis. Even I shudder to think how painful it must be, to walk through life with this most obvious difference from others. But when I spend time with her, I am so reminded of the lessons she brings, how she shines, how it is the identity, the soul, that is the light, that makes us beautiful, all of us, and that what we learn from glossy magazines about beauty is false. She is a beautiful human being. She is a beautiful humane being and I know she must suffer. How she must suffer. And yet, she survives to smile, to be present, and to be such a gift to others, in being, herself. Who is to say that the reptile with its bumpy, lumpy scales, is not, himself or herself, beautiful, and the snake with its amazing designs? We have been thrown a line about beauty and it's false. Perhaps one of our tasks in life is to unlearn this, and to learn that the lines, the aged lines, like so much parchment, so much story, that grace a wizened face, well they are the lines of grace, that give us story, that are about humility, and love, and the compassion that makes us, shine.
(3) Susan Calderon, December 7, 2008 9:19 AM
Antedote to superficiality
What a lovely commentary. So true and thank you. Let's all embrace this.
(2) Anonymous, December 7, 2008 8:16 AM
I THANK MY MOTHER EVERY DAY!
Although I've grown up in the '60's & have always devoured "fashion" magazines and would have loved to have the beautiful faces protrayed there, I was lucky enough to have a mother,who every day told me I was beautiful-she told me my face wqas unique and my inner beauty always came to the outside so that once somebody met me, they would also see my inner beauty and would never forget me. When people told me I was unattractive, I would tell them that Hashem created my face/body to make me unique and therefore unforgetable. I've never wanted to change my face because Hashem had a reason for making me look this way. When I started dating, "friends" told me if I wanted to get married, I should have some "work" done on my face (get my nose fixed). I told them, that there are no guarantees that my new nose would be make me prettier. I've aged well, whereas some of those friends who decided to make themselves "prettier" looked good for some time but now that they've gotten older, their "fixed" parts don't fit them. When my nieces and nephews were growing up, I told them the same things my mother told me and they told those who found fault with their looks that Hashem made them "unique" and therefore unforgetable. They, like me, have grown up well adjusted because we were created by Hashem. Now that I have great nices and nephews, I plan to continue my litany-Hashem made us all unique!
(1) Hannah Tovah, December 7, 2008 4:34 AM
I wish you had been there in my teenage angst years but, I will completely take onboard your good advice now, better late than never. Blessings to you and may your positivity reach many, many more. "May the Lord bless and keep you, may the Lord make His face shine upon you ....".