Most people take out life insurance; I’m taking out egg insurance. This month I will undergo egg freezing, or mature oocyte cryopreservation, a method used to preserve reproductive potential in women.
The first time I visited a reproductive endocrinologist was in my early 30s to gather information if, “God forbid I am still single at 35.” That birthday came and went and Mr. Right has yet to be found. I used to joke with friends if a good first date line was: “No worries, beside the ice cream I’ve got half our future babies in my freezer”. Today, it’s no joke. With my 37th birthday on the horizon it is time to make some big decisions. The research suggests that 37 marks a decline in egg quality, so much so that many fertility doctors won’t even consider freezing the eggs of women over 38 or 39. This is my window of opportunity, and with my rabbi’s support, I’m grabbing it.
I do not see this as a guarantee: that I will meet my guy, that we’ll have fertility issues or even that, should we need to do in-vitro fertilization, these eggs will work. This is my way of showing God I’m willing to do all I can and leave the rest in His hands.
This is my way of showing God I’m willing to do all I can and leave the rest in His hands.
During a mandatory pre egg freezing counselling session, I was asked how many children I’d like to have. I paused. “One would be the most Divine gift; two or three would be the jackpot.” The counsellor went on to explain the stats. “We recommend for every potential child you freeze 10 eggs.” Okay. “So if you get less than 20, or even less than 10, will you repeat the process?”
I paused again. No. Given the cost to my bank account, body and mind, I’m looking at this as a one-time deal. I am pumping my body full of synthetic hormones in a sort of Heavenly contract – I’ll do what seems to make the most rational sense and then remember, that is all I’m expected to do. As the mishna in Ethics of Our Fathers teaches, “It is not incumbent upon you to complete the work, but neither are you at liberty to desist from it.” We are expected to put in maximal, reasonable efforts, while recognizing the Almighty takes care of the outcome. So, each time I walk into the fertility clinic, a single woman, I thank God for the opportunity to partner with Him in this world. And every time I self-inject with follicle stimulating drugs, I ask God to see how hard I’m trying and how much I’m trusting.
I am reminded of a parable about a group of farmers and their rabbi. During a drought, the farmers come to their leader seeking guidance, desperate for direction, their lives depending on the falling of rain. Their rabbi tells them, “Meet me on the hilltop by the town’s entrance at exactly noon tomorrow. Come ready to pray. We will ask God for rain and He will hear our prayers.”
The farmers are relieved. They have clear instructions that they’re ready to follow. So they are confused when they show up the following day exactly as they were told and their rabbi turns them away. “But you told us to come at noon and pray. Here we are.”
The rabbi looks at his followers and asks them, “Did you believe that God would hear your prayers and bring rain?”
They nod.
“Then where are your raincoats?”
The farmers get it. If they expect God to answer they must ready themselves for His blessings.
If you expect God to answer, you need to prepare yourself to receive His blessings.
I wouldn’t say I have my raincoat every day. There are times I wonder if there are better uses for my savings, if I’ll regret subjecting my body to this elective medical procedure, or maybe I’ll wish I’d done it more than once. But then there are the moments I look at my life as it is: without Mr. Right, inching closer to 40 but ever so full of unexpected blessings and exciting opportunities. And I think, if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s to do all I can and then sit back and watch the Almighty’s magical plan for my life. So far, it’s beyond my wildest dreams – for better and for worse.
I am not alone. Women of my age and stage are investing in this reproductive technology along with post graduate degrees, RRSPs and yoga classes. While this iteration may be a product of our modern age, I believe we are part of a long tradition of Jewish women. The Jews left Egypt in such haste that they didn’t even have time for their bread to rise. Yet when God miraculously split the sea, Miriam led the women in song as they played tambourines. Which begs the question: they were leaving in such a rush but had time to pack musical instruments?
Yes, they did. Because the Jewish women knew, even in their darkest hour, a day would come when they would sing. In the midst of their suffering they trusted that a time would come when they would thank God, seeing His goodness revealed. So they packed tambourines because if you expect joy, you get yourself ready; if you are waiting for rain, you bring your raincoat.
These eggs are my raincoat, my tambourine. Whatever the next years of my life hold, I will sing, because I am part of a legacy of women who do so. And I am hoping that one day our grandchildren will smile upon our efforts, thanking us for hoping and trusting. In the meantime, along with ice cream, I will have eggs in the freezer.
(18) Anonymous, August 12, 2017 11:05 AM
Don't give up hope. My religious sister found her husband when she was 40. After an unfortunate couple of miscarriages, her last pregnancy took and she now has a wonderful bright 13 year old who recently celebrated his bar-mitzva and will enter yehiva katana when school starts. B'hatzlacha!
(17) Helen Schwab (Chaiah), May 12, 2017 7:08 PM
May the Almighty bless you in all ways!
I just want to ditto comment #13, Alice, in blessing you that you should have the joy of marriage, kids and grandkids. Tho' I don't know your mother's Hebrew name, I am davening for you with all my heart. -- chaiah
(16) Shira, May 12, 2017 2:17 AM
Thank you
Your incredible perspective and faith have blown me away. Thank you for inspiring us with this beautifully written article. May all your prayers be fulfilled soon!
(15) Keren, May 10, 2017 3:34 PM
Wow, I hope your emunah continues strong!!
(14) Cheryl, May 10, 2017 3:27 AM
Why do millennials expect marriage to be perfect? I can't image spending my precious, young, healthy reproductive years searching for Mr. Right. Besides, if I have the right to be so picky about every aspect of my husband, then he has the right to be picky about me; like when I didn't lose enough weight after childbirth, or how I could have held a higher paying position. Sometimes 2 people just have to work together to make the best life they can for themselves and their children.
(13) Alice, May 10, 2017 1:49 AM
Your emunah is inspiring!
May it be rewarded by the swift appearance of your Zivug min Hashomayim B'korev and may you conceive quickly and easily by natural means, Amen!
(12) Anonymous, May 9, 2017 9:22 PM
Well said
I did the same this past summer. At the same exact age. Very surreal, never thought it would come to this. I am so happy you are doing it. Everything you said here is spot on. All single girls in the age range should do their proper effort.
(11) Rightgirl, May 9, 2017 8:29 PM
another option
Have you considered using your eggs as a single in case (G*d forbid) you don't meet Mr. Right in the next few years? Many Orthodox women (myself included) have done it with rabbinic approval (however, you must consult with your local Orthodox rabbi). Best decision I ever made. And I still hope to meet my bashert.
Kol tuv,
(10) Anonymous, May 9, 2017 6:26 PM
freezing eggs
Kol hakavode to this woman and others in her situation! Good that she is waking up now, before it's too late.
However, chances are that God has sent these women some suitable shidduchim when they were not yet ready to open their eyes and accept. Careers and other interests may have gotten in the way earlier.
(9) Michael W Cuber, May 9, 2017 5:35 PM
Too much worry!
The Husband is the component to worry about; the rest is all in the Fathers hands, regardless of the science advances available. My wife was 42 when we had our last child--no problems!
(8) zvi, May 9, 2017 3:29 PM
Beshert
May this article be a vehicle for finding your beshert.
Wishing you Hatzlacha
(7) chaim, May 9, 2017 2:09 PM
Beautifully written and well thought out
Come on guys! - any woman that can write an article like this is surely a great catch!
(6) sarah, May 9, 2017 1:43 PM
With such a positive attitude, when with G'd's help you'll meet the person G'd intends for you, and your house is filled with the sweet voices of your children, you will help your family internalize this positive attitude throughout life's challenges, and you will be a source of strength to those around you!
Please let us know when to wish you mazal tov!
(5) sylvia, May 9, 2017 1:43 PM
sweet!! I hope a good man comes.
(4) lynn, May 9, 2017 1:32 PM
terrific article
Hashem should help you find everything that you need in this world!
Best of luck with the procedure. May it be the beginning of a new chapter for you. Yasher Koach!
(3) Anonymous, May 9, 2017 7:46 AM
Beautiful article!
This was one of the most well written and well said articles I have ever read! Much hazlacha and mazel on your endeavours on becoming a wife and mother. Hashem sees your histadlus and will (G-d willing) reward you in the highest degree! When you find your bashert (soon) please write part 2 of this article.
(2) Mike, May 7, 2017 2:15 PM
how about
being just a little bit nicer to men/potential matches and perhaps giving them a -small- chance.
Sorry, this may not apply to you but it does apply to a lot of women - how many women are not very conceited when they're young and then they wonder that they never 'find' their man
(1) Anonymous, May 7, 2017 1:31 PM
Haztlacha
May you merit the zechus to meet Mr.Right and have beautiful children. Keep your head up! The rain will come!