I was shocked by my emotions. It was my mikvah night, a night I usually looked forward to. But this time, I didn’t want to go.
Only days earlier I had learned from my doctor that we would likely need IVF to conceive. I was shaken to the core. Although I had always sensed that I would need fertility treatments to conceive, I never imagined doing something as drastic as IVF. In the wake of this news, the mikvah seemed like a cruel joke. How could I go in the depths of those waters, face the God Whom I was so angry at that I could barely speak to Him, and celebrate the monthly shifting of my cycle? How could I go back to those marble rooms I had left with such high hopes a month before, hoping to return over ten months later? How could I?
I spoke to friends who had also walked this road, and listened to their assurances. Surely, it was going to work out. It would be sooner rather than later. God had a reason for this pain, like all pain. Someday I would understand why. I would appreciate motherhood so much more because of this. God wanted my prayers, He put me through this difficulty because He longed to hear me cry out to Him.
I heard, but I was not convinced. Why me? Why my prayers? I wondered. I preferred to do what my friends had done: conceive quickly, months later announce it joyfully, and send out excited text messages hours after their births, longing for prayers notwithstanding.
Related Article: A House of Hopes
With a leaden heart, I showed up at the mikvah. My favorite preparation room was available and I cheered at the peace and quiet that awaited me there. An hour in a bathtub might be just what I need right now, I thought to myself. I carefully prepared my body for immersion, as meticulous as when I was a bride. Everything was clean, but my heart? Not quite open, but getting there.
It takes courage to ask God the same question once more, month after month, and really believe it is possible.
I walked into the warm waters of the mikvah and then it hit me – the sudden clarity that this act was the foundation of courage. It takes courage to walk into the life waters of the mikvah and believe, despite ultrasounds and statistics and despair, that life can really grow within you. It takes courage to ask God the same question once more, month after month. It takes courage to really believe it is possible.
Did I have that courage? I decided that yes, I did. I wanted to be a mother who loved fearlessly and courageously, and I could be a woman like that today.
When I submerged my hair under the waters, I prayed that just like the mikvah was a womb, a place of rebirth, life would take hold within me. I prayed for the miracle I knew only He could bestow. Because those of us who have struggled with infertility have seen the world uncovered. We know that there is no drug, no procedure, that can create life – it is really only God. He gave children to the barren matriarchs, and He can do the same thing to women at IVF clinics in modern New York City.
It only takes the courage to ask.
(19) Julia, December 12, 2014 2:50 PM
What a beautiful story. I am in a similar situation - one that is so difficult. I pray that Hashem will send us a healthy, happy baby. May I ask what prayer you use for infertility when in the mikvah?
Thanks!
(18) Liora Pier, December 28, 2010 11:42 AM
Also Struggling With Infertility and Faith and Courage
Dear Katie, I so much relate to how you feel. I am 40 and am at my twin sister's house awaiting the delivery of her fourth child. I have not been able to carry a pregnancy or even conceive the rest of the time. I found the mikveh to be a deeply spiritual experience where I could come to Hashem very intimately about this most tender agonizing topic and trust my future, and my womb into His hands. I appreciate your courage to share your experience. It touched my heart and gives me hope too. May Hashem make you like Sarah, Rebekah, Leah and may I add like Hannah. Shalom, Liora Pier
(17) yehudis, December 26, 2010 1:53 PM
very inspiring article -
Your article was very inspiring. The courage you have found within- not only to know your feelings, but to so eloquently express them, will help many others facing this same challenge. May you be blessed with all your heart desires.
(16) Anonymous, November 25, 2010 5:00 PM
I felt the same way...
My husband and I have been going through fertility treatment for over one and a half yrs. Somewhere in middle of treatment, I started dreading going to the mikveh, and looking at it as a sign of my failure to conceive. I was shocked and comforted to see this article. I, too, had to change my mindset about going to the mikveh. My husband and I spoke it over, and instead of looking at the mikveh as solely a means through which I can conceive, I now look at it as I did when I first got married: a means through which I can reconnect with my husband. My husband and I are still going through infertility. However, I thank Hashem that I have a good marriage. My husband is so supportive, and i've learned that as much as I yearn for children, a happy marriage is hard to find, and I am lucky that I have one.
(15) Shoshana, November 22, 2010 2:01 AM
You have courage
You have courage in sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts. I wish you hatzlocha and good things....
(14) Anonymous, November 15, 2010 9:20 PM
response to #12
The mikveh is holy. Should I not be thinking about that when I'm there? Is that considered a holy thought which I shouldn't be thinking? While your comment may be well-intentioned, it seems rather ignorant, ill-informed, and out of place.
(13) Jewish Mama, November 14, 2010 7:37 AM
regarding comment #12
It seems that comment is written by a man... A woman entering the mikvah says a prayer with the name of HaShem, how do you not think of the One you're addressing? I do not believe the post is accurate. I've been in the mikvah many times and have prayed my heart out regarding many issues. I've been asked my the mikvah ladies to add their children to my prayers as well. There are additional prayers (with G.d's name) a woman can say in the mikvah. I was never taught to limit my thoughts in that holy territory. Please always check the "urban legends" with a reliable rabbi and don't believe everything you read on the internet. Aish.com editor: Any comments?
(12) Baruch Ackermann, November 11, 2010 2:42 PM
Praying in the mikvah...
One must be careful praying in a mikvah or speaking. You cannot wish a good Sabbath - whatever your minhag - to someone else, nor say Asher Yotzar, etc. as you know. You cannot even think of the Ebishter or any holy thoughts.
(11) Anonymous, November 8, 2010 10:39 AM
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this intensely personal issue. We too, struggled with infertility. The initial shock of needing something as invasive as IVF in order to conceive is hard to swallow, but in the long run I thank Hashem for the gift fo modern reproductive technology. My husband and I have undergone many many rounds of IVF over the years (some successful and some not). Today our home is a bustling hectic house where we are blessed to deal with bedtimes, homework, toilet training.... IVF is our reality and as challenging as it is, I am grateful to have been zoche to that shaliach. May Hashem bless you soon with children to raise with love. And may the struggles that you have now serve to eventually provide you with the tools to teach your children to deal with the curve balls that life sends our way with positive thinking and trust in our all-knowing Father. B'hatzlacha.
(10) Anonymous, November 8, 2010 4:01 AM
Great courage and prayers to Hashem and I know that you will be blessed with the joy you desire most and that is to conceive children. I believe that you will know the exact moment. I did... I knew when I was pregnant. Hashem will bless you. Believe it, pray it and do what is necessary with the courage that I know you have. Mazal Tov!
(9) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 11:08 PM
Book recommendation for you.
Jessie Fischbein wrote a wonderful book a few years ago, based on her own infertility issues and Torah research/commentaries. "Infertility in the Bible"...an excellent and helpful read!
(8) Shaindy, November 7, 2010 10:39 PM
Hashem should bless you soon
May you merit to build a bayis neeman b'yisroel very soon and have only nachas and simchas. we all will find out in the next world exactly why we had the struggles we have/had and will see that it all makes so much sense.
(7) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 9:57 PM
You're a real heroine!
The roller coaster of infertility requires so much faith amidst the highs and lows of hope and disappointment. Your words are so beautiful; may H-shem bless you and your husband with much yiddishe nachas. The mikvah experience is really pretty incredible in terms of us having the courage to take the plunge; that a small pool of water can change our status so profoundly.
(6) ruth housman, November 7, 2010 6:42 PM
immersion
There is something healing about water and I hope being in this place keeps you awash with hope. Yes, IVF is hard. Many women are undergoing this procedure and maybe this too, is a kind of miracle, a miracle of science, of God, because women who thought they could not conceive got another chance. I hope you have a baby and that your prayers are answered. I think what comes from the heart must surely reach the heart of what's Divine.
(5) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 4:49 PM
"the world uncovered"
thanks for 'bringing to reason' many buried emotions/thoughts/feelings... yes i truly believe it is only Ha Shem who ultimately chooses you to receive his blessing. Until then it is puzzling, frustrating &, i think, deeply unknowable, except to the closest of friends; the mikvah can become a symbol of this irony; BELIEVing in HIS timing takes courage, innovation and spontaneity ... probably the exact opposite of what the medical doctors' regime is about; remember that ultimately still, G-d is maker of our bodies, thoughts, wills and choices, so listen! you may also choose to visit a nautropathic dr. for their important imput. Take heart & trust in G-d's wisdom.
(4) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 4:19 PM
thank you for sharing your story.
may g-d bless you and your husband with beautiful and healthy children.
(3) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 2:23 PM
thank you for sharing these precious thoughts with us. May Hashem bless you with healthy pregnancies and healthy children
(2) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 11:10 AM
May G-d answer your prayers.
May G-d answer your prayers and may you be blessed with healthy children. Please hold on to your faith and positive attitude.
(1) Anonymous, November 7, 2010 10:31 AM
Your struggles help others...like me.
Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful, uplifting and personal article. Since this is such a private issue it is so good to hear one talk about it with such beautiful thoughts of growth. Thank you. It is with your strength through your struggle that will raise others hopes to feel the same... We must ask our ONE and ONLY TRUE Creator. May Hashem bentch you and all others who are struggling to BELIEVE in His Timing, with the Emunah that He has a master plan bent only towards our ultimate good. Bsha Tova Umitzlachas!