Dear Rosie & Sherry,
I live in a medium-size city with a decent pool of Jewish singles. The problem is that as I officially approach my "late 20s," I have realized that I am in a hopeless situation in my love life. The past two years have seen a marginal amount of fix ups that have never resulted in a second date. In fact I have often been in situations where I was introduced to someone, and have gotten this attitude that I was simply not worth spending a few minutes of polite conversation.
I meet Jewish men through a variety of singles and community events. I also meet others through friends or more casual social situations. My friends would describe me as smart, funny and creative. I am always told that I am a kind and caring person and that I am fun and easy to be around. You'd think that those qualities would help attract men, but they don't!
I think I know the reason. I would say that I am on the heavy side of average. I used to be much larger many years ago, but a thyroid condition was discovered and through medication and exercise I have been able to work myself down to a size 18 (from a 26). I take care of my hair, skin and makeup. I also make sure to dress attractively. Other than the larger size, I feel that I am pretty cute and put together.
What gets me is that I am rejected by men for something I cannot prevent. It hurts to know that most guys care more about what you look like on the outside than on the inside. I don't understand why a man who himself is not exactly all that fit or attractive feels he has the right to look at me or any other woman who is not perfect as if we are wasting his time by simply existing? I am active and energetic. My size doesn't limit my life and my goals. So many other things are going well in my career and friends.
I want more than anything to meet someone and have a family. I also know that I would make someone very happy one day. But they never give me a chance. I know of many men who lament their singlehood and wonder why they are single. But they behave in a way that says they'd rather be single than date someone imperfect.
Am I being paranoid? Is there a technique to perhaps deal with these obstacles? Is there a way to convince someone that they are not "settling" by dating someone who doesn't fit the mold of "perfect"?
Leah
Dear Leah,
You write about an issue that troubles us a great deal. In fact, we know many unmarried women who could have written your letter, and our hearts go out to you. You are in a great deal of pain, beginning to feel that you are running out of resources and hope. You are the reason why the two of us decided to devote so much of our energies into helping singles. We could not ignore the turmoil you are experiencing when we know that there are many avenues to achieving your goals of marriage that you have not yet explored.
All of us face different challenges that make it difficult for us to achieve our goals. Some face a chronic medical condition, physical handicap, learning disability, emotional illness, language barrier, difficult childhood, less-than-perfect social skills, or economic hardship -- while others who appear to have a "normal life" can't accomplish something they very much want because they lack that small, extra talent or ability to succeed. God didn't make any of us perfect, and the challenges some of us face may seem to be more difficult than those of out neighbor. Is this fair? No, but that's life.
We aren't going to tell you that you must lose weight in order to have a fulfilling social life. For many people, losing weight is very difficult, and we know that if it would have been easy for you to be slimmer, you would be. You appear to be doing the best to maximize your appearance and to feel good about yourself, which is something that all singles, and even married people, should do. In addition, the fact that you feel attractive is a big plus -- someone who likes herself and feels good about her appearance projects a positive outlook that is often contagious.
In spite of this, we cannot in all honesty tell you that you have the same opportunities as slim women to meet and be attractive to potential dating partners. Our society views thinness as beautiful, just as a Rubenesque figure was considered beautiful in the early 17th century. It is true that there will be a large percentage of men who will not want to go out with you because our society has conditioned them to be attracted to slimmer women. However, there are some very fine men who do not mind (and can be attracted to) a woman who is heavier than the ideal. They are just the minority.
Therefore, you are going to have to make that much more of an effort to find potential dating partners. Believe us, they are out there. Your larger size is not an insurmountable barrier to finding the man who is right for you. However, you will have to do a great deal of networking to meet suitable guys. Dating Maze #135 describes the networking process in great detail, and we suggest you review it for pointers. You cannot be shy about approaching people and asking them to help you. You have to be proactive.
We recommend that you pay special attention to one very important aspect of the networking process -- training others how to present you in the best way possible. Your friends should describe what a beautiful person you are -- personable, warm, fun to be with, caring, intelligent, and attractive. If they are asked to describe your physical appearance, we recommend that they do so in a positive way, letting potential dates know that you are an attractive, larger size woman.
We always encourage singles to take care of the way they look, since they never know who may introduce them to Mr. or Ms. Right because they made a good overall impression, and because people tend to radiate positive "vibes" when they feel good about the way they look. We especially believe that larger men and women have to be well-groomed all the time, because of prejudices our society has against heavier people. We do not like these prejudices any more than you do, but we cannot ignore the fact that they exist, and that people are more receptive to a well-groomed person who is heavy, than they are to a heavy person who is unkempt or wears unflattering clothing. And don't we want people to be receptive to getting to know the person we truly are?
We haven't yet mentioned using the Internet to find potential dating partners -- it has worked for many people. One of its advantages is that it gives two people the opportunity to learn a little about each other sight-unseen, so that they become interested in getting together. It's important for someone who uses the Internet to arrange for a face-to-face meeting early in the correspondence. Yet we know that the idea of a meeting sometimes terrifies heavier people, who are afraid their e-pal will be disappointed in their appearance. You can avoid surprises by using a very flattering, up-to-date photograph that will show that you aren't a slender woman. If your e-pal is only interested in slim women, it is better that he knows that you are not slim at an early point in your correspondence.
You wonder why men seem to be overly concerned about a woman's appearance, even if they themselves are less-than-ideal physical specimens. We know this is a generalization, but many men are first attracted physically, and then allow themselves to get to know the woman's inner qualities. Since there is frequently a strong visual element to the physical attraction, a man may never take the chance to know a woman who doesn't instantly appeal to him (and that is a shame, because physical attraction often grows as two people start to develop an emotional connection). On the other hand, many women become physically attracted to a man only after they begin to feel an emotional connection.
The bottom line is that people of all shapes and sizes fall in love and get married. There's a great man out there for you, and we hope that during your search for him you bear in mind that he's the only one you've got to find and attract... not the rest of the male population.
Rosie & Sherry
(19) Anonymous, January 16, 2005 12:00 AM
he's out there for you
I have a friend who's thin as a toothpick. He married a woman who is obviously overweight. (To put it crudely, she's fat.) They love each other. He has no problems with her being overweight. I've gotten to know both of them. I've eaten by them numerous times, spoken with them, played with their children, and had a good time. I've gotten to know her myself. She's a very nice person. If she could find someone, then I'm sure you can too.
As for all men looking for perfection... that's not true. I'm a man and although I would like to meet the perfect woman, I realize that's not going to happen. You'll find yours. Don't worry about it.
(18) Bud Millington, May 21, 2004 12:00 AM
Do Unto Others...
Dear Leah,
Be honest: Would you date a man that: Was shorter than yourself? Much older or younger? Made substantially less money? Of a much different religion? Of a different race? Have you EVER turned down a date or a suitor for any reason? Then you have preferences!
We ALL have preferences (whether they are “rational” or not) so let us not harshly judge, criticize or derogatorily “flame” others because we don’t meet their desires. Others have the right to not date you (or me.) Instead, focus on finding someone whose preferences you do meet, and who meets yours. Attempting to make someone change their preferences to accept us smacks of psychological manipulation and (quite frankly) throwing a temper tantrum for not getting our way. People have the right to own their own lives, make what choices they desire, whether we like it or not.
As for weight, I once had a woman much heavier than I turn me down as I was overweight. I lost 35 pounds and she still would not date me. She had a preference I did not meet (she never did tell me the real reason she would not date me) and instead of judging her harshly, I just accepted it and let it go. It’s her life, and her choices are her right, whether I like it or not.
Personally, I have a weakness for red hair. I prefer taller women, and when I was very young, older women as I felt women my own age behaved immaturely. VERY FEW women will date a younger, shorter man. That’s something I had to simply accept. I endured a LOT of rejection. Some where quite proper how they handled their rebuff (to whom I am grateful, and indebted) others quite UNgracious.
I know a man over six feet tall that only dates very short women; another only very large women. I know a
few couples who get along famously and the woman is quite older than the man. We all have preferences, that’s just life. Does that make someone else a horrid person because their preferences do not match who I am? I think not!
Does rejection hurt? YES! But it’s far more productive to focus on finding someone whose preferences match who you are (and they your preferences) than to waste time pining over rejections. And if we reserve to ourselves the right to choose whom we will; what right do we have to deny others the same right? We don’t, pure and simple.
Just keepin’ it real…
(17) Carly, May 10, 2004 12:00 AM
shallow and repulsive
Man some of these comments are making me sick. From the woman who says “fat is ugly no matter what spin you put on it” from the guy who says “I’ll be looking for my basherte elsewhere” (can’t imagine why he’s still single) – it’s all making me ill. What you’re really saying is “we’re right, you’re wrong.” Despite what you’re telling yourselves, you’re not perfect either. What you think comprises beauty isn’t necessarily what I think is beautiful. We don’t have to agree. We don’t have to fit into you’re little molds of “perfection.”
The most troubling thing is that it doesn’t seem to matter what else she might have, or what else she might be – all that you (and others) are talking about is her size. She could have the cure for cancer in her hand, but you’d ignore her because she’s overweight. If this is what the population is like I’m completely unsurprised by the soaring divorce rate. After all, after a few kids she may not be able to fit that bikini anymore, so you’d better get rid of her then. Clearly, she’s no good anymore. And after years go by he may not have that six pack anymore, better kick him to the curb. Yuck.
When in Mexico all of my ultra skinny friends were completely ignored by all the men, but myself and my larger friends were constantly hit on.
The non-shallow, non-childish ones are out there. HaShem brings challenges to us all. One of yours is to find the diamond in the cess pool. Real men are out there. You have my best wishes.
(16) michal, May 2, 2004 12:00 AM
Leah...Got to face some facts...
men are visual. That is how they are wired. Fat is ugly no matter what spin is put on it. All is not lost though. I am a small female. Everyone said, "You'll never be a cop." My grandmother taught me everything is a technique. Find the technique and you can do it. For two years I worked out with free weights. I became a cop. I found the technique to get me throught the academy and to deal, out in the streets. Loved every moment of it.
Now I am a fitness trainer/nutritionist.
Here's a technique for you.
1) Get a blood work done. Need to know what proteins and hormones you have/lack - where are you out of balance. Base your nutrition on that.
2) Get your self a home gym. Universal with heavy weights, w/various stations. Learn it. Use it.
Recommend you crank up some metal music. To get your adrenalin pumping, plus it drowns out your own thinking of what a drag this all is. See your self as firm and taut. This may take you at minimum two years to accomplish.
It works. It can be done, depending on your priorities.(Forget health clubs. Waste of money.) You have to do this by yourself to really learn about your body and know how to continue to maintain it after you reached your weight goal. It's all in the technique and your priorities. Men aren't shallow they are visual, and everybody likes to look and touch beauty. Even us women. I'll take a beefcake over a tub of lard anyday.
(15) mike, April 29, 2004 12:00 AM
leah seems to be a great girl and she should not worry about what others think about her. If i was close to her age, i would date her myself
Leah, you sound like a great girl who will make the right guy happy. I am only 21 or else i would be coming after you myself. The tip that i have for you as a general guy is that you should act and be very confident about yourself because guys really like that. I know a lot of girls who do that and it works. At the same time, don't act haughty either. Be a confident woman with a nice smile on your face letting the guy know that he will be lucky to get you.
(14) michaela, April 28, 2004 12:00 AM
married big people
I am also a large woman and thank G-d
very happily married. When we dated I was a "smaller" large than I am today-
in fact I am now about 30 pounds more,
I really believe it doesn't matter to my husband at all- or so he makes me think, so I pray for all of you to find your husbands and that you have homes based on mutual respect. And yes, I do overeat and have problems with my discipline, but we all have our
issues and my husband, thankfully takes me with my qualities that I am working on and by the way, I prepare very healthy meals for my children. I am more educated than many skinny people about healthy diets and it is easy to control what I shop and prepare for my children than my own eating habits. It is something I work on and my husband is proud of me for working on myself and encouraging with everything that I do and understands that it is difficult for me and only wants me slimmer for my own health
(13) Anonymous, April 26, 2004 12:00 AM
Sizeism Isn't Only About Weight
Like some of the other respondents in the Visitors Comments section, I have also been on the receiving end of some rejection. Not because I'm overweight, but because I'm tall! I have been "rejected" at least once at nearly every singles' meet & greet I've attended. As a woman who is 5'11", I am considered "too tall" by many men my height (or even taller!) My size (14) looks proportionate on me, but being very tall has had its limitations. I have also been guilty of this "sizeism"; there was a time I wouldn't even consider dating any men who weren't at least 5'9" or 5'10". Fortunately, I've gotten a bit wiser in that regard recently. My current sweetheart is only 5'8". His height is a complete non-issue because he is wonderful in every other way and he accepts me exactly as I am. The bottom line: celebrate the beautiful woman (women) that you (we!) are and your happy attitude will spill over into the other aspects of your life. It's also helpful to inform all potential dates - and those networking for you - that you are a full-sized woman and if that's something with which they can't be comfortable, then don't allow them to waste YOUR time. There's at least one great guy out there who understands what's really important in a mate...and all it takes is one. Best of everything!
(12) sisi, April 22, 2004 12:00 AM
sounds too familiar ;*)
I just wanted to set a few things straight with a few of the comments. A size 18 need not have trouble raising children. I am a size 20 and often have had plenty of energy to chase after three or four of my friend's little kids. I can spend a weekend at playgrounds, and around the house schlepping little ones around with no more fatigue than anyone else. You don't have to be thin to be a mommy. And On trips to DC and NYC last summer I had to slow down my pace and chip in for cab rides just because my thinner friends couldn't walk another step (they threatened to die if I made them walk anymore, idle threats but annoying to listen to).
But I too get rejected for my size and the money I spend on getting haircuts, keeping my skin perfect and making sure I look cute and stylish in nice new clothes doesn't seem to make a difference. Plus I am always told how cool and interesting I am and what fun I am to talk to, hang out with etc.... Apparently my brain isn't enough! Even though I think it should be!
I have been rejected by the whole spectrum of men and it also angers me that a man can be overweight, poorly dressed, and poorly coifed and then have the nerve to judge those of us women who dare go out into public wtihout being perfect.
I personally have given up, if I meet someone fine. But after four years of almost no dates I have gotten used to the notion of being alone.
In the end what i don't get is what the less than perfect guys who are rejecting us are going to do? Will they finally settle when they get old and desperate? Or will they continue to live in this fantasy world where they think they will find and marry some perfect size 6 beauty who will stay young and perfect forever? Do they prefer to go home to themselves rather than even consider the thought of "settling"?
(11) Anonymous, April 18, 2004 12:00 AM
Do the best you can with the tools you have now
This woman could have been me. I personally know the kind of prejudice expressed. I have been thin and I have been heavy, but even the thin times when I was at ideal weight were often marred by the feeling that my body still was not thin enough for me. So I couldn't enjoy these thin times. At these times, I'm sure I projected this lack of confidence in my self and that affected how men were attracted to me. At one of my fairly thin times I met someone and married him. My weight was a constant issue in my long marriage. After about 15 years, medical conditions related to infertility made it impossible to keep weight off. I think weight was one of the issues affecting my ultimate divorce. Finally however, I've come to a place where I could accept myself for who and what I am. I just got to the point where I loved life simply for how it was at that time. And lo and behold, I have met a wonderful mensch. So there are men out there who can appreciate women who don't fit society's prejudicial standards. It is often easier also if you look in orthodox circles. I have found that in general these men tend to be more focused on character than dress size. Not a hard and fast rule, mind you, but it seems to be what I've experienced. Therefore, trying a shidduch might be an avenue also.
(10) Anonymous, April 18, 2004 12:00 AM
Some deluded men
I agree with that! I have gone online to a dating service, and one of my supposed matches was a very overweight man, who said he "couldn't stand" someone who didn't excercise on a regular basis, and was overweight! Who was he kidding? Even if he didn't look the way he did, I hope most women wouldn't choose to write to him, sizeism is still a prejudice, no matter how you word it. I have seen other examples in real life, and I just don't get it! Sometimes I think men must be blessed with a double sized ego, or have taken the modern woman's share of egotism!
(9) Anonymous, April 17, 2004 12:00 AM
Some men are deluded about their own size
I agree with the writer - Size 18 need not be 100 pounds overweight. For some women Size 12 is perfectly healthy and normal; therefore a size 18 may be only 40 pounds overweight at most. It also should be noted that the writer states that she recently lost a sizable amount of weight to go from a Size 26 to a Size 18. She should be congratulated on this. The discipline and healthy habits she developed in doing this will undoubtedly serve her well in the future.
I have always found it interesting that men tend to judge themselves far less harshly than women, in particular in terms of body image. Some men who are overweight do not even admit that they are. One man I dated described himself to me over the phone as "not fat at all." In fact, he has a disproportionately large and flabby stomach. I doubt a woman of comparable size would describe herself as "not fat at all." At times it almost seems as though men don't consider their stomach as a part of their actual body. As long as they can zip up their pants *under* their stomach they refuse to admit they are overweight!
I feel that spreading the idea that men are more visual than women is simply a cop-out and gives men an excuse to be shallow. In truth, women are also quite visual. We are also repulsed by a man's huge stomach or other unattractive physical traints. In sum, both men *and* women should be encouraged to be less shallow in choosing a partner. Just as women should not discount short men a partners, so men should not discount overweight women.
(8) Anonymous, April 9, 2004 12:00 AM
given up trying
I have always been honest about my size, 18, and it is NOT 100 pounds overweight, and I am always amazed at being rejected by men who are far, far from models themselves. I'm in some wrong mental frame about it somehow, when this sort of person is all I meet, for I see all sorts of couples around me. Also, if someone is that shallow, how loyal will they be when you're ill, or become disabled or, crime of crimes, become aged? Huh? The cliche that men are visually attracted first is just an overworked excuse for the overwhelming materialistic society we live in. The vast majority of people are but consumable objects to each other, men and women alike. Just to take the side of men who less than so-called perfect: I hate the stupidity of many women's expectation of having tall mate-as if that has some sort of intrinsic value or indication of the moral fiber a wife will need to lean on when the chips are down. It all makes me laugh to keep from crying, and these days I do my best to think about it anymore and work on my own spirituality and awareness of the limits of my life.
(7) Jonathan Loring, March 31, 2004 12:00 AM
Size 18 is NOT a few pounds overweight.
In other columns you have discussed how people need to make time to actually go on dates. I agree that many are too busy with their jobs to put time into dating and relationship building.
I, and hope others, will take your columns more seriously when you respond back to the many overweight people in our community that they need to make much more time for exercise and nutrition planing. On the one hand,I feel bad if this woman has a real physical problem that doesn't allow her to lose weight. But that can't be the honest excuse for so many of us who don't find time to exercise but do find time to pack resturants on Motzei Shabbat after they just spent hours and hours stuffing themselves on Shabbos. Maybe if the kashrut business was really worried about the consumer then perhaps they shouldn't give hecshers to all you can eat night's at so many kosher resturants. Maybe there could be a conference on how bad partially hydrogenated oils are for all of us. Yet they are in so many kosher foods with the strictest of hechsers.
I gotta guess that a size 18 woman has to be anywhere between 60-100 pounds over any height/weight guide. That is not a few pounds overweight. That is fat. I see that kind of person and I wonder what that person could be doing with their lives instead of just taking comfort in sweets and out of control portions. It's not physically attractive. I want my children to also be taken care of by someone who puts emphasis on preparing healthy meals. Is Ms. size 18 going to be able to do that? Most probably not. I will look elsewhere for my bashert. Sincerely, Jonathan Loring
(6) Anonymous, March 30, 2004 12:00 AM
Size is just one aspect of a person
Leah,
Stay strong - there are many attractive people who are somewhat overweight, just as there are slender people who are quite unpleasant looking. Attractiveness includes so much more than body size, such as face, body shape (as opposed to size), posture, confidence, smile, personality, hair, voice, etc. Not to mention that some men prefer a fuller woman to a skinny one.
My advice to you is to exercise, even if it is just walking briskly for 30-60 minutes a day. Not to lose weight per se, but to shape your muscles, improve your posture and most important your body confidence. Love your body for what it does for you, that it is healthy, that you have two healthy legs that take you where you need to go. When you love your body, whatever its size and shape, that shows, and others will love it too.
Dress in a flattering style and in a manner that shows that you are confident in your shape, and are not trying to hide it. No tent dresses! Size 18 is not so large, so you probably have a lovely shape. Often fuller-shaped women look good in clothes made of soft fabrics (not stiff fabrics) that drape over the body rather than cling. Cotton jersey dresses and skirts tend to be flattering. Highlight the parts of your body you do like with lighter and brighter colors. Many heavier women have thinner legs and arms - wear feminine shoes with heels (only so high as is comfortable for you), and perhaps a lighter sweater if your upper half is smaller than your bottom half. The heavier parts of the body should be in darker colors to fool the eye and de- emphasize the heavy parts. Be sure to wear a flattering necklace or bright scarf around your face to highlight it, or pretty feminine earrings. Play up your face and hair with feminine style and makeup and don't be afraid to dress and act like a beautiful woman. You are one!
All that being said, I am puzzled about one thing: just as many men as women are overweight, so why should finding a partner be more difficult for a heavy woman? Surely there are men who are overweight out there, not that you should limit yourselves to them. As I said, everyone likes a different body type in their partner.
(5) Ashley Risen, March 30, 2004 12:00 AM
After reafing your story about the lady how feels that see is overweight and can't meet a guy. I have to say that I do not feel dorry for
her because of the double standard. I myself am not a small person but
don't feel that my weight is an issue to meeting men. Many women look at men
in the same way. A little over weight, slightly balding. Just not the way that supermodels are in the magazines and television. In time I am sure that she will meet someone who will apprecieate her for herself because
of the person that she is, and how she feels about him, and how makes her feel. There is the perfect one out there. Until don't get disgruntled
and have fun meeting people. Weight is not an excuse to not meeting people.
It is all in how you feel.
(4) shoshana, March 29, 2004 12:00 AM
stay strong and faithfull
Dear Leah,
No worry: as my mother used to tell me: those who don't look at you or reject you just because of how you look, it's fine: it's "natural selection". That purely means those guys aren't suited for you.
As anyone of us, you need just ONE guy, THE one who would be your real match.
G-d's the only one to know when, where, how and with whom it's supposed to be. I waited for more than five years, seeing all friends of my age (and younger!) getting married and having children.
Baruch Hashem I met my "other half" now.
I'm sure it'll come very soon for you.
It's not because you have a weight problem (for whom, by the way?) that you should reduce your standards abotu the kind of kind-hearted, intelligent, bright and ... person you're waiting for.
The man of your life won't even see you're overweight.
I used to tell to my "other half", while meeting in shidduch (not the first few times, of course, only after we "knew" each other better and we felt it was going to conclude) all what I thought were defaults, negative aspects of me. He just answered with a smile that for him, it wasn't a problem.
It'll be the same for you.
Good luck.
Best wishes from Belgium.
(3) HB, March 29, 2004 12:00 AM
It's About Health Issues
While people get large for different reasons --everything from simple overeating to the thyroid condition mentioned in Leah's letter---I can tell you my first impression on seeing a really overweight younger person is--"Boy they must not care at all about their health." I've worked with too many overweight people who also drank too much and rarely went to the doctor. Obviously Leah isn't one of those folks, but that needs to be kept in mind in discussing why some of us prefer not to become romantically involved with someone who is very large. A little paunch or pudginess, if you really like your food or desserts, is ok but truely fat scares this person off.
(2) Anonymous, March 29, 2004 12:00 AM
anything given by H-shem is Fair
dear Rosie & Sherry
you mentione that H-shem tests us, and gives us different challenges throughout our lives, but then go on to say that sometimes that's not fair!
We all need to understand that, often times, these tests are hard, even painful, but if the sourse is H-shem, then it is ALWAYS fair!!!
(1) Anonymous, March 28, 2004 12:00 AM
Sympathy from a fellow chubs with a pretty face
Thank you so much for publishing this article! I, too, am a woman who is considered by all who know her to be pretty, intelligent, kind, warm, funny, etc. However, I am somewhere between a size 14 and 16. I am also single. I have had long-term relationships with men, but as of late, even though I work out and am in relatively good shape, I have found myself on the receiving end of rejection. One particular guy had the chutzpa to have met me in Jan., started a flurry of phonecalls and emails that evolved into a warm and wonderful friendship that then caught fire. He planned to come and visit so that we could spend time together (we live in different states). Once here, and after things had reached a fever pitch, he decided it was "not going to work out" because he can't be with an overweight woman. So all his words and deeds after we met were all a lie. How can you have faith in meeting someone if people who seem genuinely interested then slink away in the dead of night under the guise of "it's not going to work out". Is there any hope at all????