Dear Rosie & Sherry,
I am a 32-year-old single Jewish male. For about five years now, I have tried and tried to marry someone Jewish, but I just can't seem to find the right person.
One big problem is that my Jewish community is small and I know just about everyone in it -- and none of the women are right for me.
I've tried traveling to some cities with larger Jewish populations, but even there the Jewish community doesn't have that many resources for singles. Their "singles events" are either lame, or very expensive, when they are held at all.
It's hard enough to meet someone Jewish, but to top it all off, when I do go out on a date it is often a negative experience. I don't want to generalize, but I find that Jewish women are "jappy" -- they want someone who earns a lot of money, and they are critical, ironically complaining that I'm self-centered and spoiled.
Beyond all this, I don't feel welcome at regular synagogue functions, because they all seem geared to people in a family structure. On the other hand, churches in the community offer interesting programs for singles and seem a lot more welcoming.
So as you see, I'm just about ready to give up. But I thought I'd write you first.
Alan
Dear Alan,
A few times a year, we receive a letter just like yours. A Jewish man or woman who wants to get married and build a Jewish home expresses their pain and frustration because they can't seem to find Jewish dating partners, much less spouses. The letters often come from someone who, like you, lives in a city with a small Jewish population and who feels that the Jewish community as a whole doesn't offer enough resources for marriage-minded daters.
This certainly is frustrating and painful, more for letter-writers like you, but to a lesser degree to us and others who devote much time and energy to helping Jewish singles meet and marry. One of the unfortunate realizations we've come to through our work is that Jewish communities and institutions are overwhelmed responding to a multitude of needs, and as a result have been slow to respond to the difficulty faced by so many Jewish men and women who are finding it difficult to achieve their goals of building a Jewish home. That's not to say that there aren't resources, including many very effective ones that have developed on a grass-roots level. However, because some of these are small and many are spread out geographically, it may take an effort to find them.
There's a Hebrew word, hishtadlut, which means making an effort to achieve a goal, and this is a big part of what we encourage marriage-minded men and women to do. We live in a generation in which certain aspects of life that used to be easier now require a bigger effort to achieve. Finding the right person to date and marry is a greater challenge for many people than it was for their parents, who struggled with different challenges. The Jewish approach to dealing with a challenge is to ask God for help, while at the same time making a reasonable efforts to help ourselves.
Employment Opportunity
What is the "hishtadlut" you can do to help accomplish this life goal of marrying another Jew and building a Jewish home? We suggest making this effort a priority in your life, the way you would make finding a new job a priority. In fact, job hunting is a good analogy to use when thinking about the best ways to meet the type of woman you'd like to marry.
In looking for the perfect job, you'd consider changing fields and relocating.
If your company was about to close and had given you a pink slip, the first thing you might do is reassess your background and skills, list what you liked and disliked about your past jobs, and think of different job descriptions you're well-suited for. You'll consider the possibility of changing fields, relocating, taking a course to make yourself more marketable, meeting with a career consultant, and updating your appearance to look your best for interviews. You'll probably be open to making some changes in your career goals, expectations, and strategies if this will help you find a job you can enjoy and grow with over time.
Eventually, you'll prepare a resume and begin the networking that will help you land the right job. You'll contact a wide range of people, including headhunters and casual acquaintances who may have beneficial connections. You'll present a well-prepared "elevator pitch" that puts a positive spin on who you are and what you're looking for. You'll expect that many of your efforts won't yield results, and that it will take a while to get interviews. Some of them will be for unsuitable jobs, and only a few will sound appealing. The interview process will probably involve a few call-backs, and you may turn to friends for advice. Sometimes you'll feel frustrated, other times hopeful, but you won't give up because you need a good job and this is the way to get it.
Self Assessment
How can you translate this to the dating arena? The first step is to reassess yourself and your goals:
- Where do you see your life heading -- career, education, social life, involvement in the community, and Jewish spiritual growth?
- Can you be realistic about your career and financial situation? (Can you significantly contribute to a married lifestyle and a growing family? If you only minimally meet your own needs, you'll need to improve your career and income level in order to do so.)
- What would you like your marriage to be like? How do you see yourself as a husband?
- What personal qualities do you value in yourself? What personal qualities would you like to woman you marry to possess?
You should consider making yourself more "marketable," and at the same time enhancing your ability to have the kind of marriage you hope for -- such as creating new life goals, enhancing the way you look and dress, or bettering a character trait? This might be a good time to think about the criticism you mentioned in your letter and how you can work embodying and projecting personal qualities that will enhance, rather than hinder, your appeal to women and your ability to become the kind of husband you would like to be.
Your "elevator pitch" includes your basic info and life goals.
The clarity you gain when you perform this reassessment is invaluable. You can use it to develop an "elevator pitch" that briefly describes who you are and the type of person you'd like to meet. It includes basic facts like age, Jewish orientation, and life goals. It also features four qualities that describe you in a positive light, and lists four important qualities that you'd like your future spouse to possess. Although it may feel awkward at first, you'll get the hang of telling someone, "At this point in my life, my biggest priority is finding the right woman to marry. I wonder if you may know a Jewish woman whom I could meet -- someone who is XYZ. You can tell her that I'm XYZ." If your friend asks for more information, you'll also have an unwritten "resume" that contains another brief description of yourself.
Also, make sure you can offer "references" -- contact information for two reliable people who know you well and are willing to be contacted for more information.
Building a Network
Now it's time to network. It's a time-consuming process, but it's the way many people eventually meet the. Right One. Your network should include friends, relatives, long lost college roommates, co-workers, buddies from the gym... anyone who may know of a Jewish woman who is right for you. Your letter suggests that you'd benefit from expanding your network, and to do that you can consider joining a synagogue, getting involved in Jewish community projects, taking Jewish enrichment classes, and joining clubs or activities in areas that pique your interest.
It's also a good idea to participate in some of these programs in Jewish communities that are located a reasonable driving distance from your own. There may not be many single women in attendance, and many of the people you'll meet and befriend may be married couples, other guys your age, or men and women outside of your age range, but each of them can be a valuable part of your network. In addition, the connections you forge with these people and with Jewish organizations will help increase your sense of belonging to the Jewish community.
Change the way you look for dates at a social event.
When you attend a social event geared to singles, think about how you describe the woman you are looking for to people in your network. Focus on finding someone who is close to this description, rather than what you previously would look for at a social event. It may be helpful to talk to the facilitators of the event, either during or after the program. One of them may have a great idea for you.
Another suggestion is to try attending small events rather than blockbusters -- members of the group often develop social bonds, decide to date someone they wouldn't have been able to meet at a larger event, and even set each other up when the event is over.
In addition, consider using the Internet as a resource. There are a number of well-run Jewish dating sites that can connect you to someone who may live a distance from you but may turn out to have good potential. Our article, "Maximizing Dot.com Dating," can help you make your Internet dating experience safe and effective.
The Internet is also a resource for many of the grass-roots efforts that we mentioned earlier in our letter. This, too, will take some time, but the website of Sasson V'Simcha, the non-profit organization we founded to help Jewish men and women achieve their marriage goals, offers some useful links to get you started (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com).
Don't Settle
We believe that if you take some of the suggestions we've made to heart, you'll be able to find Jewish dating partners who are "in the ballpark" for the type of woman you would like to meet and marry. In fact, one of the reasons you may have felt uncomfortable with some of your dating partners was that they weren't in the ballpark for you at all. Their values or life expectations may have been significantly different than yours, or they may not have possessed the personal qualities you believe are important, and that's why you couldn't relate to them. You'll see a big improvement when you center the focus of your search on the values and character traits that mean the most to you.
If you give into frustration, you'll always feel like it was a cop-out.
And just like the job-seeker who, in spite of feeling pain and frustration, keeps up his search because he needs to find a good job, we encourage you to continue your search for a Jewish wife because she is what you need to find. As much as you want to be married, building a Jewish home and family has been an integral part of that goal, and you'll be doing yourself a disservice if you separate the two. Think of a job hunter who succumbs to his frustration and accepts a job that doesn't match his abilities or goals because he's tired of searching. He'll view that job as a cop-out, and dream of the day he can go back to his real calling. It's likely that you'll feel the same way if you give into your frustration and ignore the values and goals that are truly important to you. What kind of marriage would that be -- for you, or for your wife?
If you're still feeling burnt-out and frustrated, you may need to take a break from dating for a month or two and engage in some activities you really enjoy. This will help you return the dating scene with a more positive outlook. We hope that you then use our suggestions, and that you'll soon be standing under the chuppah with a wonderful Jewish woman.
Rosie & Sherry
(29) Kineret, March 29, 2013 9:50 PM
Shiduch option
Hi I read this and I know a very nice jewish girl who is single but not jappy at all. I wouldn't mind setting you up if you'd give me the chance, I happened upon this article by mistake and well we know everything is from Hashem so maybe it's just meant to be, please email my email above and let me know.
(28) Anne from Australia, January 24, 2009 7:14 AM
You go girl!
A virtual *hi five* to Mary (comment 4) 8-) One's rewards in life are usually scaled to the effort inputed. Mary's suggestions seem sage.
(27) hymie stylwise, November 19, 2008 4:39 PM
JAPPY-NESS
BEING JAPPY IS BEING A PRIMA-DONNA. SELF CENTERED,EGO-CENTRIC ,SELFISH PERSON. HIGH MAINTENANCE IS THE DEFININATION OF JAPPY-NESS,, TOO MUCH DALY DRAMA IS JAPPY-NESS. YOU GIRLS WANT THE WORLD BUT ARENT WORTH THE EFFORT. ADDITIONALLY WHY DO JAP GIRLS WANT TO CATCH AND TAME WILD SHEGETZ BOYS?. JUST EXACTLY TURNS A JEW GIRL ON BY A MONSTER??.
(26) Victor, October 14, 2008 5:31 PM
Every Jewish Man Understands You
Minus the going to church part, every Jewish man I know understands you. Of course, we are all different and there are Jappy men and straight up bad men too. However, what you are touching on is something that I believe has categorically not been brought to the limelight but every man knows. That is, that many a women, are just stuck up. They want a man that is very financially successful, they want a man that is highly educated, they want a handsome man, and they want a kind man. They want all of this, and truly expect all of this no matter what they are like. Go to any synagogue or Jewish singles event and see for yourself how many women have these same traits. In terms of financial success, I have met very few women in Jewish circles that are financially well off. A fair amount of Jewish women are highly educated. Nearly 90% of Jewish women are overweight and nearly 50% of Jewish women are less than kind. They want the world but provide less than a city. They are essentially stuck up. Us men are to blame for this somewhat of course for putting up with it. If we didn't, this trend would change. On some level, many have not put up with it and have married women, Jewish or not, that don't have these stringent requirements. Don't get me wrong, we all have requirements and even stringent ones at that. However, must nearly every Jewish girl believe that they are a Princess, they are truly amazing, and that they deserve Jewish JFK, Jr.? Alan, many people feel your frustration on this. My advice to you is this: Be reasonable about yourself and your desires and expectations. Use a likewise reasonableness test on your partners desires and expectations. If both don't pass, keep on working at it.
Anonymous, December 13, 2011 4:40 PM
the flipside
interesting that you claim "90% of Jewish women are overweight." not sure where you live but almost all the girls i know (in israel) are skinny. either way, while complaining that women only look for rich men, you inadvertently brought up the flipside - that men only look for thin, beautiful women. If a woman is not pretty, it doesn't matter how amazing she is in every other way - she will have a tough time finding a guy to marry. both men and women have become materialistic in the modern western world
(25) Elisa, October 10, 2008 9:26 AM
Jewish men are japs too.
I'm sorry to have encountered this Specialist Doctor. He entered my life as a shock and left me in one,too. I am a jewish lady from a Spanish speaking country. He is Canadian Jew and so tender. I was a patient , he treated me with so much respect and sweetness at the beginning. Because of my economical situation being so much lower than his, I even thought he was going to at least hire me for a position at his office (which was available). He implied to me, he was going to help me as a fellow jew. I started to have hope again in Jews and people in general. He dissappointed me greatly. He broke my heart so much. He has seen the way my family and I struggle, and he just passes us by. I feel he laughed at me,at us when he told me I was special person.I am so hurt, because I really believed him when he said "everything will be allright". I never had a male figure for protection in my life. I thought him a mensch, I can't believe he behaved like this.It hurts so much more that his office is close by places I frequent. I try to park far away and walk the distances. I try to see he's not in view to go along,because I keep feeling he would mock me.I can't stop thinking of it or feeling hurt for it.Recently he sent a greetings card which sent me so many confusing signs.I'd appreciate your point of view of his behavior.
(24) Annie, October 6, 2008 9:19 PM
Oh, poor baby, aren't the grapes sour ?
If EVERY girl with whom Alan goes out says the same thing...maybe he should listen. Why does he go out with so many JAPs ? He seems to set relationships up for failure. If I were him, I would go on a long retreat by myself & examine myself closely & honestly & keep a diary of my discoveries. And then I'd go on the internet...so the girls you meet aren't Miss Universe ? Are you the Jewish answer to David Beckham ? Isn't there a book that says that 8 out of 10 is okay-that good enough is good enough ? Well, then. For every shoe, God made a stocking.
(23) Ephraim, October 5, 2008 8:57 AM
Get over it, Mary
Sorry, Mary (comment 4,) but it just ain't like that. Your diagnosis is pretty brutal, and your six months comment is a laugh. I've been dating for two years now. I moved to Jerusalem to be in the singles scene. I tell you, once they're older than age 26 or so, these girls get so tough and vicious they won't even give you the time of day. I have gone out with sixty girls in the last two years. Several months ago, I decided I would give every girl every chance in the world to make it work. The last 15 girls I've dated I decided I would just keep asking for another date no matter what. I thought many of them to be nice girls with potential, and every single last one of them cut it off after one date. The girls seem to be scared of being single, but even more frightened of being married.
Anonymous, April 22, 2013 4:50 AM
Maybe it's you...
I mean a lot of guys look good on paper but they are offensive in person. I've had guys imply that I'm fat and stuff on dates. It's better to have silence than offending her. You should try to use a voice recorder on the next date and play it for a woman like a sister or something and ask for advice. Some guidelines based on things that I didn't go on second dates for: don't call her fat don't give unsolicited advice or pry when she's trying to deflect you from persnoal info let her talk. I had a guy who actually kept telling me he would let me talk later.... as he presented his family pictures to me. I'm not a child and I don't wish to feel like a child in class. don't order for her if she says don't call me at x time, don't call her at x time. If she says, I don't want to do that, don't nag. Don't ask her to get drinks or go back to your place on a first date-this communicates you want sex not relationship. don't complain about other dates don't show signs of low self esteem like, "they set me up with you the loser convert because I'm a loser divorcee" Make sure matchmakers aren't lying to her about you. I don't know if I can trust either, so I don't trust both. Wait until you sit down to ask things like "why did you convert?" or other highly personal items like that. Don't drool. Exhibit SELF CONTROL Don't have a nasty attitude or be critical of her.
(22) rebecca, September 29, 2008 6:01 AM
I am in the same boat
Alan i am 38 i converted almost 4 years ago. I want to have a Jewish home. I am a professional person, and I havent been able to meet anyone. I tried to go on frumster,but the men were looking for a strict orthodox woman, and I am not quite there yet!I am on other jewish sites, but still nothing.Do youself a favor don't settle for just anyone be selective, and listen to Rosie and Sherry's advice
(21) Feigele, September 25, 2008 12:20 PM
To No. 15 ann…….
What town do you live in in AU? My son (34) lives in the suburb of Brisbane. I wish he would get more involved in a Jewish community and make friends there. Thank you for you input.
(20) Monica Waldron, September 21, 2008 5:50 PM
Thank You Diana
I have tried JDate and wasn't impressed. I'll try your new suggestion. Thanks for the tip. Monica
(19) Diana, September 17, 2008 4:08 AM
This is for Monica Waldron
You can meet men on Jewish websites like Frumster.com or JDate.com. I met my husband on Frumster and we both lived in different continents. We have been married for two years now and I was 40 when I got married. So there is hope even if your home town does not have many Jewish people. The internet is a valuable tool to meet people but you need to be careful and only meet someone if you are completely sure that he is a safe person. Good luck and may G-d help you find someone suitable for you.
(18) Monica Waldron, September 15, 2008 6:03 AM
He's not alone...
Alan... I am in the same boat. I am a 43 yr olf female who can't find single men in my small town. I was hoping not to date/marry a goyim, but there maybe no other choice. What does a woman do? Monica
(17) Callie, September 10, 2008 11:28 AM
blah blah blah
If I have to hear just one more guy claim that Jewish women are "jappy" then I'll scream. Maybe its b/c that men are consistently chasing after the women who are really attractive, with no focus on anything else. I have news for you, women who know they are attractive and have had guys falling over them forever are all "jappy" irregardless of their religious or cultural background. I know tons of men who have made this argument, then they go out and date or marry some materialistic self centered witch who his not Jewish b/c afterall she can't be that bad if she's a goy, right? Move, do not visit, a larger city. But also set your sites on someone who is intellectually and socially your equal. Look in the mirror and realize that you are not the G-ds gift to all women, just to one of them. There is probably someone out there for you. If you insist on trying to find a trophy, then you'll get exactly what you deserve...
Anonymous, December 13, 2011 4:44 PM
thank you for that! couldnt agree more
(16) Diana, September 8, 2008 7:09 AM
I wish you could meet my sister in law
My sister in law is in the same situation. She is a wonderful person. Nice Jewish Single woman, hard working, honest and very nice. She is 50 but looks 35. Atractive with a great figure. She goes to the gym regularly. She is spiritual. Her problem is that the men around her age group (50 something)want girls in their 20''s *or* 30''s. They won''t even give her a chance to meet her just because of her age. She is in such great shape that she truly looks like she is in her mid 30''s. She had a few boyfriends in the past but things did not work out. She lives in Manchester, England and is registered on a couple of Jewish dating websites but there are not many Jewish singles in Manchester and the Americans feel she lives too far so they won''t write to her. What is she supposed to do to meet a nice Jewish man?
(15) annonomous, August 31, 2008 12:27 AM
Alan I can understand your situation as I am also 32 although a female. I have only just started mixing in the Jewish community as I live in a bible belt area in Australia and come from a rural community and the larger Jewish community is very clique make it hard for anyone who isnt married to a childhood sweetheart from mountscopus or a member of chabad
(14) ronald, August 28, 2008 11:41 PM
He needs to work on himself
I had a similar problem - couldn't find anyone! Not a one. No decent women out there. I was well educated (several gradutate degrees). I had a great job providing in the top 2% bracket. Nice new import auto. Woweee. But nothing. Then I talked to a good woman friend who gave me some hard advice. It HURT. My clothes were garbage. Ugh. But that is all I could find since I was about sixty lbs overweight! She told me one great truth that turned me around. Healthy, handsome, and successful men are competing with me for the same ladies. Not healthly beach bums. Not shallow men without much to offer. But men that respected themselves and took care of themselves with all my qualities were out there. So I had to take hold of my life. Lose weight. Lose the attitude. Take an interest in others. Now I'm doing much better. I have no problem with meeting worthwhile women. But it was a long road to clean up my act.
(13) jerry lindell, August 26, 2008 12:55 AM
R & S aren't much fun
Too many words ladies and boring. And what kind of adult needs to write for advice on how to meet. Go to Google, I say to him and don't forget to lose your belly and bad clothing and obnoxious personality.
(12) Anonymous, August 25, 2008 11:02 AM
keep trying
Hey Alan, keep trying or u end up like my brother. He married an asian woman, who gave him a kid, and now live in Japan. I don't know what happened to american, white and jewish. He was once devoted to that. As for Phillip, I am single,never married, same age as u. What r u doing these days? MB
(11) Anonymous, August 25, 2008 8:07 AM
Settling...
Hi there, I read this article and it was pretty clear that Alan is keen to meet someone he can feel comfortable with - someone who is his equal. Having lived in a small community in Austrlasia, I'd suggest he dates online and widen his search from cities to states to countries further afield. A psychologist friend once told me ... never date anyone lesser or more than you -you'll only be annoyed or overshadowed. Finally - I suggest a "shotgun" approach - meet as many as you can. The more you meet the more chances you get. Good luck Alan...great advice AISH
(10) Deena, August 25, 2008 1:18 AM
Is Israel the solution? And, is this guy self centered?
I find it quite amusing that people (#3 and #6) mention Israel as a solution, almost as if it's promised that going to Israel with the intention of meeting a mate means that you will. I know many, many people who are yet to find a mate while dating for marriage in Israel. There are no solutions that fit everyone. I'd say that maybe going to Israel could help since it just so happens that most of Israel is Jewish. But then, what about living in Israel? Does this person plan to or will he have to find someone who is currently in Israel but is willing to live outside of Isreal? Wherever you are, you are going to have different difficulties. Saying that going to a specific place is the solution makes light of the problem. Also, along with Mary (#4), I highly question if "Alan" might actually be self centered or whatever else these girls supposedly told him. It is absolutely the strangest thing to me that women are going on dates with him and telling him these negative things about him to his face. It actually makes no sense. Is this really how it happens? or is it possible there was one girl once and that left a scar so that he tells the story as if, in general, girls are talking to him like that? Very, very strange. I find almost all the time that people tell their stories in a way to get a certain perception across to the listener/reader. AKA, they play a little with the truth. From the way his story is told, I am almost totally sure that that is what is going on here. or, he is those things and he is being so absolutely abnoxious on dates that women are suddenly becoming much braver than we are naturally and telling him off. OK, I'm writing a lot here but basically, I take this story with a grain of salt. I would be very interested to hear more facts about his situation. I do hope that "Alan" is able to figure things out to find a way to be truly happy in his life and find a woman with whom he can connect in a beautiful way.
(9) Andy, August 25, 2008 12:22 AM
Was where you are now
Alan, I used to be in exactly your situation, but just got engaged to a wonderful Jewish woman. I met her by joining a group whose activities I enjoy and which has a wide membership base (not just singles), then putting out the word that I was interested in meeting a single Jewish lady. I was disappointed at first because I knew of no eligible ladies in our local branch, but I made friends who knew other people and they arranged for my now-fiancée and I to meet. So you don’t have to find a group/synagogue/whatever that has The One – all you need is a group that has somebody who knows somebody who knows The One. Because my fiancée and I met this way, we started out with things in common and activities we enjoyed doing together. Because by word and deed I’d made it clear both what kind of person I am and what kind of Jewish lady I was (and wasn’t) looking for, they found a pretty good match. And because I’d joined a group that stresses things like ethics and helping others instead of personal gain, the folks I met were almost all nice people – at the price of their expecting me to be a mensch as well. So don’t give up, change how you’re searching. Find a group that has Jews, activities you enjoy, and a wide population base. It should also, by its nature/activities, attract the sort of person you are looking for. Join it, become active in it (at the “make deep personal connections” level, not just the “pay your dues” level), and put out the word. This is free advice, and thus worth every cent you’ve paid for it. But it worked for me, both in finding The One and in finding friends who kept me going until we found her.
(8) ruth housman, August 24, 2008 2:56 PM
intentionality
often, for so many, life just "happens". We meet and fall in love in such amazing ways. Making a campaign out of this might now work, but letting go and letting God, just might do the trick. Relax! There are a millions ways to the same place. We all follow a different road, and, once we get to one place, then, looking at the threads that brought us on this journey, well, there's a kind of miracle in all this. Put your fervent wishes out into the universe and then, if you don't make a "battle plan" to find your right spouse, just follow the River and enjoy life. As you participate and live it, you just never know. She might be in the supermarket reaching for something on a shelf that's very high, and you come along to help her out. I have heard this particular story and it was about LOVE. The gift is sometimes in the surprise package and it arrives when you least expect it to arrive! There are endless stories of how people meet their beshert, and each one, is different. Don't look too too hard. The answers come so often when we are not looking. Good luck!
(7) PHILLIP, August 24, 2008 1:36 PM
Experience
Hi - I wish it was all so simple. I am a fifty year with no chance. I have had two Kallahs walk out both with in ten days of getting married - the last being in 2006. I've adopted a policy now that no woman is worth my time money or any other resources. All woman want is to take but never willing to give anything in return.
(6) Anonymous, August 24, 2008 11:06 AM
Move to Israel!
Hi, I keep reading about Jewish singles who have a hard time meeting other Jews. I know it's not possible for everyone and that it's not easy, but moving to Israel could multiply your opportunities to meet other Jews. I myself live outside of Israel and find it very hard to meet people for the same reasons you mentioned. Every time I go to Israel even for a few weeks, I meet so many people my age. I am now planning to move there, as I have had enough of putting my social life on hold.
(5) Malkeh, August 24, 2008 10:55 AM
Never give up!
This coming from a 49-year-old divorced mother of one adult who has been making effort ... sometimes seemingly in vain ... to meet a Jewish man to build my future with. It is refreshing to me to read your words ... rather than comments about how beautiful someone looks or how much they will bring to the relationship. Some women have sold out, and some have given up, because, like you, they can't seem to find someone anywhere near. I've felt like you do at shul and been told, "We didn't try to fix you up because you seem to be so fulfilled already!" This, even though I've ALWAYS mentioned to people at shul that I WANT to meet someone so much. I took a piece of the advice you've received from Rosie and Sherry and surrendered my membership at my former shul and am looking for a new place. Maybe New York? Wishing us all the best!
(4) Mary, August 24, 2008 10:36 AM
unbelievable
I don't buy his story, or his version of the story. Sorry. As A Jewish female, I find this man's letter unbelievable. Jewish women abound. Jewish dating websites abound. With the number of Jewish men who choose to marry out of the faith and the number of Jewish women who want to find a Jewish man, he is in a category that is in high demand. If he can't find someone, I tend to believe that the women's assessment of him as self-centered and spoiled, while also not being a success himself, is probably correct, so perhaps he would like to work on himself. He should be talking to older women who know younger women and who have nieces etc. he should also let the rabbi know since the rabbi is generally a people person and knows families of all generations. He should be using the Jewish dating services. He probably should discuss his checklist with friends or a therapist and find out whether he is looking for an impossible combination of characteristics plus whether he is being picayune about how she has to share every last interest of his. An example of an impossible list is that she have to look like Paris Hilton, have a resume like Condi Rice, be maternal and ready to have a family and devote herself to him, like baseball and all major sports and be a fan for his team and be willing to watch such on television non stop on all major American holidays, be a fabulous cook, etc. Anyway my female cousin found her husband on the internet and flew to Australia via Indonesia at a time of terrorist happenings. Prior to that she was going on singles skiing trips with people from all over. In Northern California the Sierra Club had a cottage in the mountains. There are trips to Israel. People are generally more open when traveling and it gets you out of your rut. My sister was romanced for three years across 3,000 miles after meeting someone in Ireland. My brother-in-law found his wife on the internet. My brother found his girlfriends on the internet. Yes he might have to put some effort into it. Another friend of mine met her husband working on a charity. They both devoted time to the Red Cross and met. I once laced into a man who lived in Marin California who referred to women in San Fransisco has GU, geographically undesirable. The poor baby couldn't drive his sports car across the multi million dollar bridge built to ease the route. I told him that I was raised on stories like Marie de Chapdelaine when a man who was interested in a woman had to snow shoe hundreds of miles through winter blizzards through forests and sometimes they didn't make it. Nowadays we have the internet, we have cheap long distance through the computer. We have planes, trains and automobiles. I told him that perhaps he would like to lie in his baby bed sucking on a bottle while his mother changed his diapers, while telling him what a gift to the world he was. My nephew avoids Jewish women because he not only wants a natural Swedish looking white blond but he hates when he goes to events, that single Jewish women flock around him. Perhaps he should find out Jewish singles events in San Francisco and plan a vacation in San Fransisco. Given that in that city the homosexual men replace the heterosexual male population, the ratio of Jewish single women to Jewish heterosexual men will operate in his favor, and he'll fit right in with the spoiled male brats who attend those events. Generally when a man truly wants to get married, he'll be married or engaged within 6 months. OK. So now that I've dumped all over him, without having met him, I'll sign off.
Anonymous, April 22, 2013 4:05 AM
TThank you
That's what I was thinking.... oh and if he wants blonds, he can look for a convert, but the men who want a blond never want us
(3) Feigele, August 24, 2008 10:34 AM
No One is Perfect
For sure, one has to improve oneself either physically, educationally and/or behaviorally. If feasible, I would suggest traveling to Israel for a period of time long enough maybe to meet someone. Some people have traveled the world long and large and never found anyone, others have just traveled once and met someone. Isn’t the way that G-d intends for us to find a mate? To take a break from searching and let time act for us. You have to learn to take the good with the bad. To find the perfect match is an impossible task, but you can come close to it enough for you to make you happy, marriage is a challenge. As for the “Japs”, never make a promise that you will not be able to keep, it will backfire on you. You have to be certain that this person will be at your side in bad times and in good times. Sometimes what you see in a person is not what it seems, you have to dig deeply into them to find out their true value, unfortunately, it might take a long time or maybe not. As mentioned in the above story, no one is perfect.
(2) Mommy, August 24, 2008 9:10 AM
looking for a Jewish man
I don't know if you will be able to follow this article, or if it interests you, but I does have some goods points. Love you, Mommy
(1) DADDY, August 24, 2008 6:08 AM
Shidduch advice
Some helpful hints.