Helena grew up in small town America -- Conway, Arkansas, population 3,000. Although they were very alone, her mother impressed upon her at an early age a strong sense of her Jewish identity, which was to survive all her travels and experiences.
After high school, Helena traveled to New York to pursue a career in book publishing. She has always been a big believer in visualizing her goals and then pursuing them with energy and drive. She worked for the New Yorker, Random House and as a senior editor at the Village Voice before Hollywood beckoned.
She produced issue-oriented docudramas -- a fulfilling but crazy and stress-filled existence. Helena confessed that she always felt that marriage and family were a crucial component of "success" and that something important was missing in her life. "Traveling first class to Brazil didn't make up for an empty apartment."
In the throes of this recognition, she ran into an old friend who had become observant. Her friend seemed happier than she'd ever seen her. I want some of that, Helena thought. So she began attending Torah study classes. At one of Aish HaTorah's High Holiday learning services she met Charlie, the man who would later become her husband.
She gave Charlie her "I'm only dating for the purpose of marriage" speech on the second date.
Having been influenced by her classes and being very goal-oriented, she gave Charlie her "I'm only dating for the purpose of marriage" speech on the second date. He stuck around, and 12 months later they were married.
Not content to bask in her personal happiness, Helena wanted to help others. She believed strongly in her method of dating and felt such regret over the time she had wasted.
She began to formulate some principles and strategies. Helena believes that every man or woman who is single and seriously wants to get married should have a post-it on their refrigerator, "What one thing am I going to do today in service of my personal life?"
"We should bring the same passion, tenacity and principles to finding a marriage partner that we bring to business," she proposes.
Action is far superior to complaining. We need to remain upbeat and, as Helena herself did, "never lose faith that there is someone out there".
As part of this campaign, Helena stayed away from negative people, from those who would bring her down or sabotage her goals. Having dated her share of ineligible men, she is grateful to have woken up in time and would like to spare others unnecessary pain.
She began coaching, leading her friends and acquaintances to the same realizations and constructive steps that she had taken. These sessions were the genesis and foundation of her book which was picked up by Harper -Collins and eventually led to a whirlwind tour of talk shows, including Good Morning America, Jane Pauley, Fox News and about 80 different radio interviews. Helena loved it -- it was an opportunity to get the word out there and discuss her favorite subject.
Here is a taste of Helena's advice:
1. Resolve to make your personal life a priority. A woman who wants a partner for life needs to be as directed in her romantic pursuits as she is about her career, her workout routine, or her skin care. My experience as a therapist and relationship coach has confirmed for me that women who marry into their 30s, 40s and beyond are most often the ones for whom the idea of getting married carries real weight, and who make choices that echo that priority. You've spent enough years behaving as though marriage didn't matter to you. Now that it does, live as though you care.
2. Visualize your marital future. Successful people rarely achieve their goals without first imagining their ability to succeed. By firmly keeping in mind a positive visual image of yourself as a married person, you come that much closer to being a married person. Don't view your singleness as a permanent condition. See yourself as someone who simply hasn't as yet found her match -- you're a married-woman-in-waiting! Appreciate the good life that you have but picture how much richer it could be with a partner by your side. So, while you are quite capable of doing most everything for yourself, you also allow men to do things for you without feeling diminished by their contribution. You are not pretending to be weak or incompetent; you are merely allowing others to feel appreciated in a direct and concrete way. Similarly, you are able to envision yourself making certain adjustments in order to blend your life with someone else's -- relocating to another city, perhaps, or becoming a stepmother. The operative image here is that you picture yourself becoming part of a dynamic team rather than continuing life as a solo player.
3. Remove any obstacles that have kept you single. This presupposes that you know what those obstacles are. To isolate what impediments may have contributed to your singleness, fill in the blank: I believe I'm still single because ____. Maybe you simply haven't met the right person. Or you've spent most of your time up to now getting an education or nurturing a career. Then again, you might admit that you're a perfectionist and no one has measured up to your standards. Or you stopped dating to avoid disappointment and hurt. Even answers that sound logical on the surface can mask deeper things about you; it may be true, for example, that you haven't yet met the right person, but it may also be true that you haven't made any efforts to widen your social circle. It's easier to move forward in your personal life once you've honestly assessed what has held you back and have separated reasonable explanations from elaborate rationalizations.
4.Stand tall. Admitting that you'd like to get married does not signal an affliction; it's merely a defensible life goal. Take that brown paper bag off your head and proudly proclaim to friends and co-workers that you are interested in fix-ups and introductions to appropriate prospects. We often worry that revealing such desires will cast us in an embarrassing or unflattering light, as though wanting a spouse and asking for help were a weakness or a cause for shame. In fact, the desire to bond with a compatible partner is a strength, and one of the best ways to find an appropriate mate is to be introduced by a third party who knows both of you.
5.Reserve judgment. Don't jump to hasty negative conclusions about new men you meet. It's easy to dismiss a good man if sparks don't fly between the two of you by the time you've ordered the steamed artichoke appetizer. For the most part, the best men (translation: kind, honest, reliable, marriage-minded) will not be the ones who dazzle you from the get-go but those who wear well over time.
6..Get off the road if it isn't taking you where you need to go. Today you are dating for a reason, not for fun. This means you must eradicate all unmarriageable men from your dating life. Stay on course by ruthlessly casting off all game players, narcissists, professional bachelors, mama's boys, and other lousy bets. A man who is in his late forties and has never been married probably won't be marrying you either. Neither will the guy you've been seeing on and off for five years who still won't commit. These nowhere men must be given their walking papers to make room for the genuinely marriageable men who are waiting to meet you. Unfortunately, the time you waste with unmarriageable men can never be recaptured, so do an early spring-cleaning and get all energy vampires out of your life at once.
7. Live with gratitude. The best way to get more out of life is to appreciate fully the one you have. Waking up every day with a sense of appreciation makes you more content, and the more content you are, the more likely you are to be a magnet for others, including eligible men. If you are not optimistic and appreciative by nature, practice being optimistic and appreciative. Find small things to be grateful for. Feel thankful for what you might otherwise take for granted -- your good health, for example, or a dazzling sunset. Make it a habit every day to affirm the beauty in life and more of life's beauty will come your way.
For information about Helena's psychotherapy services within the state of California, her nationwide relationship coaching services via telephone, or her availability for public speaking and media appearances, please send an email to: HelenaRosenbergMFT@verizon.net
Due to the high volume of requests, Helena regrets she is unable to address individual relationship questions outside of regularly scheduled sessions.
(21) steven finer, January 3, 2021 9:59 PM
Wow! Excellent advice. Straight to the point.
Sure would like to find the right balabusta who is willing to live in St. Louis, Mo.
Regina, January 4, 2021 1:41 AM
Matchmaking
Dear Steven,
You may want to consider joining YUConnects...
All the best,
Regina
(20) Bobby5000, October 22, 2015 2:50 PM
Another 7 tips
I have a family member who does extremely well with women and here are some things I have seen.
1. Be positive and happy. People like people who are happy and having fun, no one wants to hear about someone's last divorce, or medical problems.
2. Listen. Understand people work in several ways and try to meld with different styles.
3. Be outgoing Organize events. Have a party, arrange an outing, and don't be afraid if you pick up an additional bill or outlay some money. If you do, there are now 20 people who owe you a favor.
4. Dress well and in style. Stand up straight and smile
5. Have a network. The first question for your network, how have I helped them, what did I bring to the table.
6. Br friendly Even if person A is not the one, he/she may know someone. Many popular people who date a lot are genuinely nice.
7. Enjoy life Enjoy what you are doing. The women who are single wish they were married, the married ones complain about their husbands and the lack of free time, people working wish for retirement, retired people look back on their younger active days. Enjoy and cherish what you have now. Travel if you like.
(19) Annabelle, April 2, 2015 9:36 PM
Excellent Advice
All these tips are great! I needed to hear #6. I'm 33; I spent 3.5 yrs with a 41 yr old man who said he still wanted to wait one more year to see how we felt. #6 is so necessary! Thank you
(18) Anonymous, January 8, 2013 11:01 AM
if you are a lady who is older than a guy is it possible to get married to someone younger than you
(17) Anonymous, May 24, 2012 11:44 PM
Thank you for the guidance
About getting off the obstacle,some things are a puzzle.Someone who seem ready come but he first demands for sex to prove his love to you. And in age you over by two! Really can that obstacle be gotten rid of? But thank you.
(16) Steven Kressel, February 28, 2012 3:10 PM
Excellent advice for men as well!! Thank you for your insights.
(15) Sharon Nash, January 31, 2012 3:48 AM
Absolutely what every single needs to hear.
I had lived as if marriage didn't matter to cover my hurting heart while in a bad 25 year marriage, I took that thought into my single years. As soon as I read your tips it resignated with my heart; Marriage does matter. I am a married woman in waiting and I will set a priority of working towards my future marriage. Thank you and bless you. I am writing my fourth book Dating Backwards in which I will quote you.
(14) Janet Caterina, August 9, 2011 10:38 PM
Business minded
Kudos for listing "passion, tenacity and principles" as qualities you bring to the business world! Good personality traits to look for in a partner!
(13) toca, November 29, 2009 4:21 AM
I find it difficult at 35 to go out and look for a partner for life .Every body knows that at 35 you want to settle, get married, have kids. And they look at you like "the poor thing, hasn't found anybody yet", make you look desparate. Married or already in a relationship people in their 30's look at you with a pity, like if something is wrong with you. I live in a big city, all of my friends are either married or in a long term relationships, it's hard because I just don't know single people and have no idea how I'm going to find a partner for life.
L.S., August 19, 2015 5:06 PM
Hang in there!! He IS out there!!
Don't lose hope!! I understand what you're saying, but there ARE men out there. Look as good as you can, make a few online profiles, spend as little time as possible at home. Have coffee out of the house, exercise in a gym with men, go out on Saturday nights, and ask your married friends if their husbands have any siblings or friends who are single.
My job is working with children so meeting adult men is difficult. I'm naturally more introverted so socializing and schmoozing isn't my thing either. I met the man I love and hope to marry (B'H"!!) by complimenting one of my married friends on what a née guy her husband is and she set me up with one of his work colleagues.
(12) Rivka, October 16, 2009 2:05 PM
Still Hope
Hi, I'm a 47 year old woman and frequently told I'm attractive, smart and fun. Yet, my lifestyle (hours on the road commuting, long hours at work, etc.) aren't condusive to meeting a mate. When I do, I seem to have gotten to a point where I find fault with each guy (i.e. sense of humor don't match, doesn't do things the way I do, etc.). 1) what can I do to meet more men? 2) what can I do to change the way I think when I finally do meet a man?! Are there other women out there in my same boat and if so, what have you been able to do to meet a great guy? Thanks for your advice! I'm glad Aish has provided this opportunity for us to share information!!
Hazel, May 28, 2011 12:24 PM
hi
like you ive had same thing it isnt you its just that guys these days have so much to chose from and most are not grown up to deal with real life,keep strong like i do you win win in end
Anne, August 25, 2011 11:46 AM
What a folly!
We women cheat ourselves into finding the perfect mate,but the truth of the mater is that however we do,there will always be a fault. The Bible says in the book of Genesis is that we were created to complement the gender> We were not created the same. We were created to be a help mate to the man, not we together, nor, always, the way we would imagine it to be. For us women it is and will be impossible to figure or understand the gender. Thats what the Bible says. Therefore, dont look for one who is compatible to you, rather one who you would like to help assist in this life journey, knowing fully well that it is for life.
(11) Aviva Shulamit, September 17, 2009 7:20 PM
Just because she found her bashert doesn't make her an expert
I'm glad others commented on Helena's judgmental statement regarding mid-forties men and how they ought to be immediately dismissed as being marriage-minded, yet a mid-30s to 40s woman is within the realm of acceptability. I'm happy for Ms. Rosenberg that she found her husband and achieved fulfillment in her personal life, but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss men who haven't found THEIR other half yet, either. I think that very attitude may be part of the problem.
(10) Liat, September 6, 2009 11:42 PM
There are many fine ideas and encouragement given. What's missing is reality. I have been single almost nine years. Using this time to complete my education and career goals and staying fit has not changed this. For I long time I remained positive widening my social circles and devoting time to find someone. The truth is sometimes despite everything it just doesn't happen.
(9) Jana, July 19, 2009 5:24 PM
I did like this summary. I think that some of us that are getting closer to 40 are still great marrage matterial, but are just not as agressive about meeting people because it may be seen as desparate. I like how she looks at going out looking for someone can be an active thing, not just sitting around waiting for it to happen. This gave me some good ideas on where I can step up my game in looking for that right person...Thanks.
(8) Yosef, June 4, 2009 1:12 AM
Men in their late 40's
Men in their late 40's are valueble as much as women in their late 30's. The remark in the article supposes all women are great, but mid aged men are losers. I know some guy(not wealthy) in his mid 60's who married a girl in her mid 30's. Regulare people. They have now 2 kids. Every person must be given a fair chance. You don't know the story of a person until you meet him. God's way are mestirious. If you were Ruth - would you have dated Boaz? If you were Rebeca - would you have dated Itzchak? (40 years difference?) Don't overlook good oppertunities you are offered by god because of prejudice. You had many years to induldge this - now it is time to give him some credit.
Ann Canada, August 22, 2015 5:53 PM
Giving HaShem credit
Yosef, of all the comments here, I think yours are the wisest--especially your thoughts on prejudice and on giving God credit for choosing for us. Thank you for that.
(7) Anonymous, August 25, 2008 8:28 AM
30 is the new 20
Girls, show me which book says that if you are over 30 you are too old. Geez get over it. Girls or should I saw Women in their 30's are smart, worldly, sexier and ready to settle down. Unlike their juniors. From a guys perspective... ladies you are better at 30 than when you were 25.
(6) Guy, August 5, 2008 11:32 AM
I found the article interesting, however, I don't agree with this observation:"A man who is in his late forties and has never been married probably won't be marrying you either."
How can you judge and dismiss someone, just because of his status and age? Once there was a prejudice against divorced women, and it was wrong. To create a prejudice against single, aged men is wrong too.
(5) m jamil, June 22, 2008 11:41 AM
LOVE IS LIFE
LOVE IS LIFE LOVE IT. AND ENJOY IT WITH A BEST PARTNER
(4) nathalie, May 25, 2008 9:49 AM
I totally agree with shoshana dvora
a lot of jewish singles in montreal and other cities are singles and I feel they dont work hard enough to make connect jewish singles with other instead on working in other details they should work on jewish singles meeting its very important familly and children its more important than anything else some jewish singles dont have the chanse to meet and get married like other there not enough parties and oportunity for jewish singles this matter should be taken very seriously familly and children are the first priority in life I hope you can adresss this matter to people in each cities that can adress this matter and do something about it a lot of jewish singles are singles and nothing is done about it there always jewsih parties in other cities than montreal that all I have to say bye
(3) The King''s Daughter, May 23, 2008 5:00 AM
The yesar horah strives on doubt....................
I really got a lot out of this article, thank you,Helena Rosenberg! In fact for some reason I find it a great article for anyone to read. I am divorced. I was only in my teens when I got married. One of the reasons I allowed my self to get engaged over night, was the matchmaker tormenting me that women are in their 30''s have " passed by" their chance. Of course everything is for the good and I have no regrets at all for my marriage or divorce. I only regret whatever I have done at any time in my life that does not please the creator of the world. I find it crazy that some people think I have to be miserable to prove to them I am justifiably divorce! I see that some happy married people or even your regular normally happily married people, I see that things have passed them by as well. In fact many times although we strive for perfection and the good "worked on happy marriage." I find these people are somewhat insensitive and actually
blinded by what they think is a normal life here in olem hazeh. real work is being miserable in a marriage and
trying again and again. ( although I strongly suggest anyone in a abuse case not listen to themselves or family but
an abuse counselor right away) real work is being over the magical 30 years old and smiling and dancing through
life, although you feel so lost and alone. Although, I have a large family I still sit alone just like an single person
when I go to hotels for pesach etc.. So I have been on both sides of the fence. However, I did get married young.
I have endless respect for anyone single and without proper support or emunah for their future.
Some of those people suffer their own selfish and zombie type problems, walking through life without even knowing how to reach out to others. That should always be the only regret anyone has. I have so much to say about the shidduch crisis. however in this small amount of space, it will be impossible. However, what I have learned after almost two decades of marriage to my first husband and the absolute torture of what I have gone though in my marriage and divorce is one thing. listen to your heart. G-d sends us many messengers in life to send us all kinds of messages. We only have to merit to listen to them. Unfortunately, the only messages we sometimes here are the ones we stubbornly ignored. While I would never judge anyone single no matter what age. I have found that no matter what a person goes through in life, if he does not allow other to knock him down and ruin his hopes and dreams he will succeed. Everyone has the right to hope and dream and the master of the world has everyone''s life perfectly organized for their maximum benefit. In short, your relationship status does not make you who are are what you could of or can be. I hope somehow I have encouraged anyone who feels the pain of the clock and how it tortures the heart with every other beat. I have a large family and still, I cry in my heart for more children, for all the pain my husband and his family have in their pure foolishness caused me. Feeling that " life will pass you by" is not a feeling just for singles. It is the yesar horah striving on doubt and really we are all the same. I think all stigmas in the frum community are based on absolute ignorant''s and lack of parents educating their children. I hope every single person reading this should soon find the one in which his soul will delight in.
(2) Chavah, May 13, 2008 11:13 PM
thank you for the article
yet I also echo Shoshana''s feelings. If so many Jewish singles are suffering and not getting what they want in life, something must be going wrong...why is this becoming a growing problem of today''s generation?? The Jewish community needs to take greater action on this problem. I believe its a eflection of lack of traditional values. It used to be that men and women were by and large compatible since they were raised in similar households with the same values. Now in this secular world we live in, men and women grow up with different ideas and outlooks about who they are and what they want their lives to be about. It used to be that matchmaking led to marriage rather than discontent-I''m a firm believer that the old fashioned way works but it''s a reflection of peoples'' attitudes/upbrininging that is causing the problems. Instead of singles being more proactive and upbeat, what about the Jewish community doing more to address the crisis?
Anonymous, August 22, 2015 6:00 PM
Thank you Chavah
Chavah, I love what you wrote: "It used to be that men and women were by and large compatible since they were raised in similar households with the same values. Now in this secular world we live in, men and women grow up with different ideas and outlooks about who they are and what they want their lives to be about." You are so right about that! No wonder we see so much divorce and singleness. And why it is so important to begin with the absolute must of "marrying in."
(1) Shoshana-Dvora, May 12, 2008 3:20 PM
marrying after 35
Remaining upbeat is SO hard to do.