Dear Ziva,
I met Alan at a friend’s party and it was love at first sight. In my 38 years, I’ve never had more potent chemistry with anyone. Even now, two full years later, I feel like I can’t get enough of him. When we’re together, I feel transported and gloriously alive, and when we’re apart, sometimes I’m literally counting the minutes until I can see him again. My whole day centers around when I will get to see or speak to him again!
The problem is, I know he’s not someone I can marry. He’s not future-oriented in any way, or responsible with his finances. As time has gone on, it’s become clear that he has some real anger issues. But the most important deal-breaker is that he doesn’t want children. He can barely tolerate his own nieces and nephews, or a baby crying on an airplane. He has no patience or soft spot for children at all, no matter how cute or sweet they are.
When this aversion to children surfaces, it makes me want to cry. I love kids and have always wanted to be a mother more than anything. I know I need to break things off with him, but the thought of losing him is excruciating. I’m obsessed with him! I feel like some evil spirit cast a spell on me, leaving me inextricably bound to the wrong man.
Meanwhile, I’m almost 38 and I’m scared. What if I leave Alan and don’t find another man in time to have children? Then I’ll be alone, childless and I’ll have lost the most exciting boyfriend I’ve ever had and can ever imagine having.
Please help!
Joan
Dear Joan,
It’s no wonder you feel the way you do. You’re clearly a smart and self-aware woman who has already identified the crux of your own problem. You said yourself that you feel “inextricably bound” to Alan. The fact is, from a scientific point of view, this description is more accurate than you might even realize. Because, my dear girl, you have been playing with your “love hormone,” also known as oxytocin, a bodily chemical and neurotransmitter that’s associated with romantic interaction and relationship-building.
Medical studies show that while a woman is engaging in an intimate physical relationship with a man, she produces oxytocin, which has a very powerful physical and psychological effect on her. Oxytocin can skew your perception and encourage attachment and trust toward people who don’t deserve it. And this is what happened to you.
It’s never too late to leave the wrong relationship.
To your overwhelming credit, you can clearly see that trying to build a future with Alan would be disastrous. But you fear it might be too late for you to have what you want the most. So now what?
First of all, you can be perfectly certain of one thing: it’s never too late to leave the wrong relationship!
In Judaism, we believe there are five levels of pleasure. I could easily devote another whole column to discussing these levels in depth, but for our current purposes, I’ll just touch on them briefly:
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The lowest level is the gratification of our appetites: indulging in good food or drink, engaging in physical intimacy, experiencing all the pleasures of the senses.
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A higher pleasure is love, the real love we have for a partner, our children, our parents and siblings and cherished friends.
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A higher pleasure still is a sense of purpose; the belief that we are here for a reason and that our lives have meaning.
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Even higher than that is the pleasure of creativity, our power to “partner with God” and create something of value, which can take countless different forms, such as building a company, inventing medical technology, composing music – or creating a family.
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And the highest pleasure of all is feeling connected to God.
You wisely recognize that your relationship with Alan will always and forever leave you stuck at the lowest level. Your time with him might yield physical pleasure – but with him you will never know the higher, deeper, infinitely more gratifying and fulfilling pleasures that are available to us within this lifetime. You won’t know the deep abiding love that’s possible between two people who share true values, the same goals, and a beautiful family. You won’t know the transcendent love of a mother for her children – and their children. You won’t know the deep satisfaction of living for a higher purpose than the pleasures of the moment. And you won’t be any closer to experiencing the spiritual fulfillment that’s our highest pleasure of all.
You know in your heart that what Alan has to offer is not enough. And you are absolutely right.
Of course breaking it off will be difficult and painful, just as breaking any other addiction is difficult and painful. But just as excessive drinking, overeating, smoking, gambling, hard drugs and all other addictions feel good in the moment but will ultimately ruin your life, so too your relationship with Alan, as good as it feels right now, will take you perilously and irreversibly far from where you most want to be. Addiction and attachment are not the same as love.
The most important step you can take to free yourself from addiction is to stop producing and releasing oxytocin – in other words, break off all physical contact with Alan right away.
Don’t fear that you will not find someone else instead and that you’ll remain alone. Get rid of this thought. It is self-defeating and not healthy. There are billions of people on this planet and there is no shortage of options for you. And you will never be any younger than you are right now, so don’t waste another moment.
Stay busy, active and engaged as you navigate the aftermath of this relationship. Ask your friends for introductions to new men. Take part in activities you love, whether it’s hiking in nature or political advocacy for a cause you find meaningful. This will put you in contact with like-minded people who share your interests and true values.
Many people will advise waiting for some period of time before you begin seeing someone new. I say jump right in and distract yourself with other prospects immediately. Nothing can help you forget the wrong man faster than the right one.
And this time, you’ll know better than to put the cart before the horse. You won’t allow yourself to become attached to another man who isn’t marriage material by becoming physically involved too soon.
We all make mistakes. I have confidence that you will learn from yours and that your next relationship will reap the benefit of your hard-won wisdom.
I wish you a life brimming over with pleasures at every level, from the lowest to the loftiest and all the ones in between. And I believe they can all still be yours.
Much love,
Ziva
(12) Raymond Bastarache, December 19, 2019 2:10 AM
Addicted to love, one way street.
Sound advice by Ziva, I .....one hundred per cent agree with her answer...the 5 levels of love........she is addicted but not he..one way street. How can two walk together except they agree? She needs to cut herself off this relationship......once married to this toxin man it will be worse unless he find a relationship with God then with his spouse by following the way,truth and life with God on board.....do your homework before attaching yourself to this type of character..........He first must walk with God for a least a whole year.......a born again change of lifestyle.......to prove himself to God ,himself and others.
(11) Judy R., November 5, 2019 1:27 AM
Addicted to Love(is it really love)
Dear Joan, Being addicted to love does not seem like a healthy thing, it seems like being a addicted to drugs, alcohol, food , sex, gambling, which someone needs help with, and needs a 12 step group to get over this addiction. When someone is in a healthy relationship you are even keeled, and love is not only chemistry but spiritual, emotional, and real love comes with time, a friendship that turns into a serious relationship is better suited to a couple , this relationship you are in sounds toxic, also he does not want marriage and children, so the faster you get out of this toxic relationship, the better it will be for you, women have a biological clock, and if you don't get married soon and have children , right away then you will miss the boat, and regret it the rest of your life, I am a older single and I am talking from experience, I am not sure if men have this problem about having children, in my view you need a therapist and a 12 step program to get out of your toxic relationship that you consider to be "addicted to love" this phrase sounds like a title of a song, but this reality is not a good thing, real love is not a addiction, but you get a feeling of calm and feel secure and loved, not a hot mess, in conclusion cut all ties with this man get help and move on, tell yourself you deserve better than him, I wish you lots of luck and have the courage and strength to move on, there is plenty of fish in the sea, so now go catch the right one, not Mr. Wrong. Sincerely Judy
(10) Laura, November 5, 2019 12:28 AM
Joan, If you don’t love yourself nobody else is going to. Your well-being and happiness should not be dependent upon somebody else. Break up with your loser boyfriend please, and the right guy will show up, I promise. Don’t lose the faith. And then, when someday when you are happily married with your 2.5 kids, and have the white picket fence. I promise you will not remember the guy G-d did not intend.
(9) Maria, November 4, 2019 9:17 PM
Relevation
Thank you for shedding Light on this issue. It is the first time I hear these things and it explains feelings I had and which to this moment I did not know where to put them. I will study your course in depth the coming time. Again, Thank you very much
(8) Jacob Villeneuve, November 4, 2019 4:17 PM
Once upon a time, I was a kleptomaniac!
After 2 breakups, finally broke for good! Now I am at level 5, BH!
I can help her in transition to wellness and also looking for a shidah with a child bearing female! I did Aliya in 2001, but presently living in Panama city Panama.
Member of a Chabad Shul, She is welcome to visit? I can be seen on You Tube
whoisyaakov have several videos! Any interest, you have my email address!
All the best!
Jacob
(7) Anonymous, November 4, 2019 1:05 AM
Talk frankly with him
Talk frankly with him. you cannot edit out one major goal of your life. You do not state even if he wants to marry you, what friends and family think of him... or else perhaps time will pass and youll be 60, no children, thinking if you might have lived differently if only... if only... you talk a lot about how you feel but about him, what does he feel? Does he want a commitment?
(6) Dr.Tom Diamant, November 3, 2019 10:44 PM
Very good advice.
Very good advice from Ziva Kramer.
(5) Yosef Azri’el, November 3, 2019 6:39 PM
Emotional Addiction
Dear Joan, I can personally relate to your emotional addiction. The love of my life was nothing more than an illusion. In many ways you are feeding your own addiction, and causing needless suffering and despair. Here is the antidote. Please research the term: cognitive dissonance. During this new journey of discovery, continue to read Torah, and ask HaShem for the guidance and wisdom to complete the journey. Always remember HaShem will guide you, just ask.
(4) Leah.., November 3, 2019 5:52 PM
Finding your inner peace...
Unfortunately today’s world has changed a lot, many of us desperately want one thing and on the other hand the sad truth that we cannot have it! Society’s pressure on us( why, where, when,... etc questions gives us opportunity to face depression and anger)makes a huge impact on where we do belong, we certainly are all humans and don’t want to be single forever and therefore we do search for a friend, boyfriend, partner, husband.. but before that calming down and finding our inner peace is more important, well in her case personally I think is far too selfish and childish by not being able to give up something but in life we cannot have everything, can we? Imagine this World where everyone of us would have what he/ she needs or wants , that would be more than exhausting isn’t it? Time will resolve everything and eventually things will get better with patience and resilience, society’s demanding must have chapter is daunting, so focus more on sense of your inner wellbeing, what can you give, how can you open up to others, also reminding yourself of who am I to judge you if he/ she is marriage material that’s a thing you cannot see it yet and personally thinking I believe is intimidating to a man to rush him or to force him to do something of what he is not yet ready! Yes, indeed having children is mitzvah but is not obligatory this should not cause a trauma and trust me your life will go on!
(3) Rachel, November 3, 2019 5:44 PM
Why do you assume they are physically intimate?
The letter writer did not say she was physically intimate with Alan. Many people find desire as or more exciting than fulfillment.
I would focus more on his shortcomings, rather than suggesting that she is not behaving appropriately.
Hannah, November 3, 2019 6:43 PM
It's quite obvious that they are physically intimate with each other if they've been dating for two years and she feels "inextricably bound" to him when she knows he's the wrong man for her. Joan is already aware of his shortcomings but her awareness isn't helping her in ending the relationship with this guy. What needs to be done is a serious self-assessment and commitment to change on Joan's end.
Anonymous, November 4, 2019 5:41 PM
No... it is not so obvious
The "feel good" fantasy could be generated without physical intimacy. While intimacy may "enhance" or "potentiate" those feelings, it is not "fair" to take as a "granted" that they are "intimate". For all we know, simply having "DMC" with this guy gets this lady "turned on"... In fact, she "counts" the time until she can SPEAK to him again... To me, this sounds more like someone living a fantasy rather than an actual [physical] relationship.
Mitch, November 13, 2019 12:40 AM
Most men would be uninterested to perpetuate a relationship for two and a half years without physical contact, even if a women would. Ziva assumed correctly.
(2) cee, November 3, 2019 4:40 PM
good answer
The author brushes over his anger and financial and responsibility issues. It's all about the physical relationship. Once this stops, there is nothing there to respect or enjoy about this boyfriend. Sound advice.
(1) Anonymous, November 3, 2019 3:45 PM
Option 2: Ask Alan to change
If you love Alan so much he must also have many good qualities, so there is still the possibility that you two do belong together.
The two main problems you point out are his temper and not willing to have kids.
You must try! put it to him in clear terms that he MUST change! or you will break the relationship, and if he loves you as much as you love him, he may be willing to change and you may be able to convince him to attend temper management classes etc.
Once he is willing to change his behavior, he may realize that he will be able to handle kids.
If he is clearly not thinking of changing and refusing to even consider having children, Ziva is clearly right you should break the relationship right away. But it my opinion its worth a try. But a couple of months should be enough for you to see where he stands.
אדם לא נברא בעולם רק לשבר את הטבע. הרר"א בצעטיל קטן אות ט"ז
עיקר חיותו של אדם בעולם הזה בשבירת המדות אם לא יתקן מדותיו למה לו חיים. אבן שלמה מוסרי הגר"א
I remember some similar sentiment written by the Rambam which I can't find.
(I know people say its impossible to change but that is clearly not true. I've done it myself. It was very hard. I had major temper problems, hate, and depression. Today I have nothing of it at all. I hardly ever get in a rage and never ever get angry at home, and i'm as happy as can be)
Anonymous, November 4, 2019 11:26 PM
in response
Sorry, people don't change themselves for others. Self change is an intense and complex journey, and if a person does embark on it, he does it for himself, at his own initiative. Not for others..
Great advice from Ziva. Once Joan stops the physical relationship with this toxic man she will no longer be an emotional captive of this relationship. She will be able to step back, and after a period of time of intense pain, will be able to look at this guy coldly and ask herself; "whatever did I ever see in this man!"
Much success and good fortune to you Joan! You will surely find the right man swiftly..