Based on my own personal experiences and my interactions with others, being an 'older' Jewish single is somewhat of a challenge these days.
What does this do to the self-confidence of those of us who find ourselves in the dating game for an extended period of time? Do we start to doubt ourselves? Do we forget who we really are and what we have to offer the world irrespective of whether the time has come yet or not?
One of our biggest strengths in the Jewish world is the importance that is placed on family. This extends from the most religious to the more traditional Jewish families, Sephardim to Ashkenazim, Chasiddim to Litvaks alike and it has played a big part in keeping our people together.
With the large emphasis placed on family, naturally that focus shifts to marriage and building a home for all Jewish eligible singles out there.
This is a beautiful thing and something we should and do pride ourselves on.
Like most things in life, there is often a side that people often miss. Not because they don't care but because they have limited vision and cannot always understand things from another's perspective.
The importance of building a home can lead to an immense pressure to get married at a certain age and once 'that age' has passed, that pressure can increase drastically. We've all heard, either directly or indirectly, Nu mein kind, it’s time to get a move on!
Some people have the good fortune of finding their match very early on in life while others have to stick it out that much longer. That's the way it has been and the way it still is today.
One of the saddest and probably most unnecessary realities faced today is that rather than being supported, uplifted and encouraged, so many Jewish singles are made to feel unworthy, excluded and at times, as much as it pains me to say it, frankly not good enough.
Being inspired by Rabbi Paysach Krohn, I decided to try my luck at being an 'impromptu shadchan' , a matchmaker. Rabbi Krohn has made it clear that everyone has a responsibility of looking out for those looking for their match and should write up key cards with all the names of singles one knows and see if one can match some of them up.
I started going through my list and after a number of hours had probably close to 100 names jotted down.
One thing struck me...the names on this list were singles that most men or women respectively would only dream of finding. I'm talking some of the most wonderful, put together, genuinely good human beings with absolute nothing 'wrong' or 'different' about them. It just happens to be that their time had just not come yet.
A friend of mine recently told me that he is feeling more and more defined as the guy who is pushing 30 and is still not married in his more religious community. He told me that he feels people define him not for who he is but for who he is with or for that matter, whether he is with anyone at all.
And that’s a real shame. He is intelligent, committed to his Judaism, has a wonderful sense of humor and many other qualities that define him. Not the fact that he is still on the market. Why should Jewish singles be defined more by their success on the dating scene than on their inherent beauty and inner qualities?
To all Jewish singles, my message to you is this: You are strong, beautiful, kind, loyal, compassionate, loving, caring, talented and so much more. Just remember that no matter how long it takes (Please God, it should be soon!), no matter how many years you have been looking and no matter how many dates and relationships have come and gone... you remain a beautiful soul worthy of love and respect.
And to all who know someone in the dating scene (which is most of us): remember to reinforce those beautiful attributes you see in those around you and don’t define others by their stations in life. Secondly, I urge everyone to take up Rabbi Krohn's suggestion to take responsibility in making matches and help those looking for their soul mate.
(20) Juliet HURWITZ, January 31, 2019 7:46 PM
Article on young Jewish singles
This article is excellent. It is written with compassion and sensitivity and very accuratly descibes the challenges older singles face
(19) Anonymous, January 16, 2019 8:41 PM
Kudos and blessings to Mr. Greenberg
Thank you for your thoughtful article, and it is nice to know there are kind people who make an effort to be an "improptu shadhan". This situation also applies to people who are divorced and are searching for a second (or subsequent) time to find a shiduch, which can be more tricky. I am in my early 40's, have an amazing friendly teenage child, am often told I am very attractive, am healthy (BH), am a professional, am financially secure, and have many friends, so people think that everything is fine. But when we are missing a special someone in our life, it is a void and loneliness that cannot be replaced by anything else. So any help from an aware, sensitive "impromptu shadhan" is always welcome and greatly appreciated.
(18) Anonymous, January 11, 2019 3:57 PM
Thank you for your acknowledgement. It's helpful to be reminded that there are people out there who value me as a person and not simply as a (single) status.
(17) Dave, January 9, 2019 12:05 PM
Great article
Now how do we find out partners?
(16) JCA. JCA, January 6, 2019 9:25 PM
& others
And what about those of us who are gay..... And long to have a partner but are reduced to feeling excluded but, want to remain committed to Judaism????
Anonymous, January 20, 2019 4:41 PM
Building a Jewish home is primarily about finding someone you can reproduce with. Yes, you are even supposed to look for someone who doesn't have a medical condition that causes infertility.
(15) Shlomo, January 6, 2019 8:16 PM
Match Me
I agree, there is far too little matchmaking going on. But as most of my friends are straight, they don't have other gay friends, so they can't help, or it doesn't occur to them. The same goes for relatives. Then, others have pre-fixed ideas about suitability that don't necessarily fit, such as age difference, or differing sexual preferences. People who are outliers are more likely to be single. Yuppies are fairly easily matched as they want lifestyle companions.
(14) Helen Dudden, January 6, 2019 7:26 PM
Very useful
You did not mention disability. I'm disabled, and 70 years of age, long to finish many years of finding Conversion difficult. I too, think it's important to be cared for, and loved. With many disabilities we are able to live an active life, maybe, not in some ways, I can't run a marathon, but my Power Chair is a bonus. It's not looks, it's the brightness from the inside that shines into the world. I write on children's laws and disability, in Boston, USA. I'm a mother and great grandmother, my children have none of my disabilities. They have known a disabled mother most of their lives. There is much that can add to the quality of our lives.
(13) Chaya, January 4, 2019 7:02 PM
Admire, don’t just accept
Many singles in the Jewish community are accomplishing great things while they wait to meet their basherts. Lots of what they contribute to the world could not be executed by those who are busy raising families. They are worthy of deep and authentic respect!
(12) Anonymous, January 4, 2019 6:59 PM
Keeping writing hopeful words
For at least 10 years I stopped advertising and being hopeful to find someone, a male partner, 68 to 78 years young. Ideally a widow, someone that knows how to share and care for another.
Please put my name on the list of singles looking?
Marlene
(11) Brit, January 3, 2019 8:56 PM
Deliberate Singles
Not all singles are struggling to find a partner. Some may, with the best guidance, have concluded that it will always be appropriate for them to be single. The pressure and the feelings of being excluded and unworthy are relevant to them too, and improving the dating scene won't help. Making sure that singles can be full and respected members of the community is also important.
(10) Anonymous, January 3, 2019 7:26 PM
It’s worse for the older ones
I’m 72. I don’t feel old, I don’t act old. Yet everyone I know tells me that they understand that I’m lonely but that’s it. When I find someone who I’m compatible with they get all bent out of shape because he is younger and he isn’t Jewish. I tried to find someone Jewish. Jdate was a lost cause. And no one came to my rescue. No one even tried to fix me up. Is this common for Seniors??
(9) Sara Metzger, January 3, 2019 6:47 PM
Great article
It's too bad that so many people are this way, making judgements about people and things they have no idea about. Aren't we told to give people the benefit of the doubt, Why judge and make derogatory and not supportive statements to people? Everything and everyone in their own time. That is what I am learning. Thanks for writing the article.
(8) Yisroel, January 3, 2019 2:49 PM
Be strong!
Your comment reminds me of a conversation that I witnessed between my father and a rabbi [To give some perspective, this was in the late seventies when the “crisis” was not an issue brought up. Also, he was chassidishe and a very sweet, kind and loving person who had been trying to motivate many times in the past, I think, just slipped and said something much too strong, from his perspective where guys got married at 18-20 years old. With a relationship of decades before and after, and many kind and helpful things that he said and did, this was the only one that was insensitive.] Referring to my brother, who was approaching 30 years old and still looking, he said with his inimitable smile, “Ayayay! There’s no hope for you!” My father, a holocaust survivor, who respected him greatly, took umbrage and politely responded, “Anshuldig! (Excuse me!) But where there’s life, there’s hope!” My brother got married about a year later, a few months after turning thirty.
(7) Anonymous, January 3, 2019 4:07 AM
Thanks Tons
Oh do I feel this! I actually had one woman say when I was a first and there were married couples there that "those who are single are sitting at the end." I was the only Single. I felt so hurt. I have found that once a person is older than 42, he/she is excludes from Singles' events that only accept those until age 42. I would very much like to get married. I will also put out there that I am a giyores. That, too, is looked at as a "strike." Thank you for the article and the chizuk. I appreciate both.
(6) Anonymous, January 2, 2019 7:03 PM
I had a Rabbi tell me he wouldn't recommend me for a match until my mental health was better. Granted, he was right, but he said it in an insensitive way.
Helen Dudden, January 6, 2019 7:46 PM
Very useful
I do hope your health improves soon. My life has changed dramatically over the last two years. I'm trying my hardest to change with it, at times, I've felt so unhappy and alone. Life does improve with a little faith and time.
I'm sure there is someone for all of us!
(5) Ruthi Jarons, January 2, 2019 6:42 PM
Singles
Whats missing in the article is how being single, handicaps etc are mentioned in several Jewish texts as being nit fit for relationsships. While lots of people with hidden illnesses, conditions are pushed forward for shiduchim. I have a handicap, am helathy, have no sinrerity or confident issues yet am not helped to find a hysband because the scriptures say so. Start teaching men to be a real adult.Include us. The Rabbis have to start teaching this first so the outlook will change to the positive .
Anonymous, January 6, 2019 7:48 PM
Very useful
I agree Ruthi. There needs to be more openness with disabilities, The Ruderman Family Foundation in the USA are building better lives for those with disabilities worldwide.
(4) Anonymous, January 2, 2019 4:55 PM
Your words helped me, too. And I'm close to 70.
I was married a long time and raised a beautuful family. Now I am divorced. Although I see my children and grandchildren each week, living life alone as an old(er) woman is not easy. Thank Gd, married couples in my new shul invite me for Shabbos and activities, and they are about 15 years younger than me! They set a great example of what should be happening in the world of singles decades younger than I am. There is hope. It is important to reciprocate, too. If you haven't already done so, invite the lovely people you know to your home, and, perhaps, reconsider one of them to date. Making four matches is one of the greatest joys I have had in my life, but how much more the happiness would be if I could find my own bashert. I am sure each of us feels that regardless of our age and stage in life. Sometimes. I think, it is a matter of perspective. We should be open to the positive aspects of a person whom we may not have considered. Friendship is the key. Select someone with whom you can be yourself, enjoy seeing, and to whom you are attracted. Compromise on anything else. I wish us all mazel.
(3) Anonymous, January 2, 2019 4:35 PM
Thank you!
Thank you for this very important article. It used to be that the organized Jewish community had at least a part-time staff person whose job it was to plan Jewish singles events. No more. For some reason, this is no longer a priority in the Jewish community. Why, I do not know. So we singles must rely on Jewish online dating sites (not the most successful or comfortable way to meet someone) but better yet, people in the community who care, and who know us personally and can set us up with someone whom they think would make a good match. I am so grateful when someone tells me they’ll try to think of someone for me. It tells me that they think I am worthy and that they haven’t given up on me. With intermarriage rates sky high, this needs to be a priority once again for the organized Jewish community and individuals alike. Please spread this article as far and wide as possible. It is so important. And thank you again for thinking of and speaking out for a largely forgotten segment of the Jewish world!
(2) Anonymous, January 1, 2019 5:29 PM
Also when visiting different places be careful of other men who may be interested in you unless you yourself are interested. The same is for women. Be sociable do not give yourself up.
(1) Anonymous, January 1, 2019 3:02 PM
Also try to seek company in different social meetings not religious. Try sports and pastimes clubs, debating society, environmental welfare and so on. Counselling is a must. Seek dating clubs but do not expect success. Relationships are stressful if there is no love and just the idea for money, getting ahead of others, interference from family members and work colleagues, pressure from health, social pressures from political issues and culture clashes etc.