An Open Letter to Jewish Singles

This article is excellent. It is written with compassion and sensitivity and very accuratly descibes the challenges older singles face

Thank you for your thoughtful article, and it is nice to know there are kind people who make an effort to be an "improptu shadhan". This situation also applies to people who are divorced and are searching for a second (or subsequent) time to find a shiduch, which can be more tricky. I am in my early 40's, have an amazing friendly teenage child, am often told I am very attractive, am healthy (BH), am a professional, am financially secure, and have many friends, so people think that everything is fine. But when we are missing a special someone in our life, it is a void and loneliness that cannot be replaced by anything else. So any help from an aware, sensitive "impromptu shadhan" is always welcome and greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your acknowledgement. It's helpful to be reminded that there are people out there who value me as a person and not simply as a (single) status.

Now how do we find out partners?

And what about those of us who are gay..... And long to have a partner but are reduced to feeling excluded but, want to remain committed to Judaism????

Building a Jewish home is primarily about finding someone you can reproduce with. Yes, you are even supposed to look for someone who doesn't have a medical condition that causes infertility.

I agree, there is far too little matchmaking going on. But as most of my friends are straight, they don't have other gay friends, so they can't help, or it doesn't occur to them. The same goes for relatives. Then, others have pre-fixed ideas about suitability that don't necessarily fit, such as age difference, or differing sexual preferences. People who are outliers are more likely to be single. Yuppies are fairly easily matched as they want lifestyle companions.

You did not mention disability. I'm disabled, and 70 years of age, long to finish many years of finding Conversion difficult. I too, think it's important to be cared for, and loved. With many disabilities we are able to live an active life, maybe, not in some ways, I can't run a marathon, but my Power Chair is a bonus. It's not looks, it's the brightness from the inside that shines into the world. I write on children's laws and disability, in Boston, USA. I'm a mother and great grandmother, my children have none of my disabilities. They have known a disabled mother most of their lives. There is much that can add to the quality of our lives.

Many singles in the Jewish community are accomplishing great things while they wait to meet their basherts. Lots of what they contribute to the world could not be executed by those who are busy raising families. They are worthy of deep and authentic respect!

For at least 10 years I stopped advertising and being hopeful to find someone, a male partner, 68 to 78 years young. Ideally a widow, someone that knows how to share and care for another.

Please put my name on the list of singles looking?
Marlene

Not all singles are struggling to find a partner. Some may, with the best guidance, have concluded that it will always be appropriate for them to be single. The pressure and the feelings of being excluded and unworthy are relevant to them too, and improving the dating scene won't help. Making sure that singles can be full and respected members of the community is also important.

I’m 72. I don’t feel old, I don’t act old. Yet everyone I know tells me that they understand that I’m lonely but that’s it. When I find someone who I’m compatible with they get all bent out of shape because he is younger and he isn’t Jewish. I tried to find someone Jewish. Jdate was a lost cause. And no one came to my rescue. No one even tried to fix me up. Is this common for Seniors??

It's too bad that so many people are this way, making judgements about people and things they have no idea about. Aren't we told to give people the benefit of the doubt, Why judge and make derogatory and not supportive statements to people? Everything and everyone in their own time. That is what I am learning. Thanks for writing the article.

Your comment reminds me of a conversation that I witnessed between my father and a rabbi [To give some perspective, this was in the late seventies when the “crisis” was not an issue brought up. Also, he was chassidishe and a very sweet, kind and loving person who had been trying to motivate many times in the past, I think, just slipped and said something much too strong, from his perspective where guys got married at 18-20 years old. With a relationship of decades before and after, and many kind and helpful things that he said and did, this was the only one that was insensitive.] Referring to my brother, who was approaching 30 years old and still looking, he said with his inimitable smile, “Ayayay! There’s no hope for you!” My father, a holocaust survivor, who respected him greatly, took umbrage and politely responded, “Anshuldig! (Excuse me!) But where there’s life, there’s hope!” My brother got married about a year later, a few months after turning thirty.

Oh do I feel this! I actually had one woman say when I was a first and there were married couples there that "those who are single are sitting at the end." I was the only Single. I felt so hurt. I have found that once a person is older than 42, he/she is excludes from Singles' events that only accept those until age 42. I would very much like to get married. I will also put out there that I am a giyores. That, too, is looked at as a "strike." Thank you for the article and the chizuk. I appreciate both.

I had a Rabbi tell me he wouldn't recommend me for a match until my mental health was better. Granted, he was right, but he said it in an insensitive way.

I do hope your health improves soon. My life has changed dramatically over the last two years. I'm trying my hardest to change with it, at times, I've felt so unhappy and alone. Life does improve with a little faith and time.
I'm sure there is someone for all of us!

Whats missing in the article is how being single, handicaps etc are mentioned in several Jewish texts as being nit fit for relationsships. While lots of people with hidden illnesses, conditions are pushed forward for shiduchim. I have a handicap, am helathy, have no sinrerity or confident issues yet am not helped to find a hysband because the scriptures say so. Start teaching men to be a real adult.Include us. The Rabbis have to start teaching this first so the outlook will change to the positive .

I agree Ruthi. There needs to be more openness with disabilities, The Ruderman Family Foundation in the USA are building better lives for those with disabilities worldwide.

I was married a long time and raised a beautuful family. Now I am divorced. Although I see my children and grandchildren each week, living life alone as an old(er) woman is not easy. Thank Gd, married couples in my new shul invite me for Shabbos and activities, and they are about 15 years younger than me! They set a great example of what should be happening in the world of singles decades younger than I am. There is hope. It is important to reciprocate, too. If you haven't already done so, invite the lovely people you know to your home, and, perhaps, reconsider one of them to date. Making four matches is one of the greatest joys I have had in my life, but how much more the happiness would be if I could find my own bashert. I am sure each of us feels that regardless of our age and stage in life. Sometimes. I think, it is a matter of perspective. We should be open to the positive aspects of a person whom we may not have considered. Friendship is the key. Select someone with whom you can be yourself, enjoy seeing, and to whom you are attracted. Compromise on anything else. I wish us all mazel.

Thank you for this very important article. It used to be that the organized Jewish community had at least a part-time staff person whose job it was to plan Jewish singles events. No more. For some reason, this is no longer a priority in the Jewish community. Why, I do not know. So we singles must rely on Jewish online dating sites (not the most successful or comfortable way to meet someone) but better yet, people in the community who care, and who know us personally and can set us up with someone whom they think would make a good match. I am so grateful when someone tells me they’ll try to think of someone for me. It tells me that they think I am worthy and that they haven’t given up on me. With intermarriage rates sky high, this needs to be a priority once again for the organized Jewish community and individuals alike. Please spread this article as far and wide as possible. It is so important. And thank you again for thinking of and speaking out for a largely forgotten segment of the Jewish world!

Also when visiting different places be careful of other men who may be interested in you unless you yourself are interested. The same is for women. Be sociable do not give yourself up.

Also try to seek company in different social meetings not religious. Try sports and pastimes clubs, debating society, environmental welfare and so on. Counselling is a must. Seek dating clubs but do not expect success. Relationships are stressful if there is no love and just the idea for money, getting ahead of others, interference from family members and work colleagues, pressure from health, social pressures from political issues and culture clashes etc.