I recently celebrated my first wedding anniversary, and I am so grateful to have my husband in my life.
Was it love at first sight? No.
Did I know right away? No.
Did I have strong chemistry with him that it brought butterflies to my stomach or gave me that exciting feeling in my heart before we married? No.
Was he coming into the relationship with a stable job? No.
Did he share all the same hobbies as I did? No.
Did I feel like I was "in love"? No.
Did my husband feel like he was "in love" with me? No.
Did I even know what love was? No!
But if I focused on all those things he didn't have, then I was left with fear. I would have left the relationship, I would have not married...
So how did I move forward?
I was able to recognize my fear and decide that despite my fear I knew I had someone extraordinary by my side.
Although I didn't feel that head-over-heels attraction before getting married, I did know that I had a certain level of attraction with him.
I saw his heart of gold.
I saw how we worked well together as a team.
I saw that I looked up to him for his wisdom, his values, his character and his essence.
I trusted him, I cared for him, I respected him.
I believed in him as he believed in me.
I loved all the wonderful qualities he shined. I saw that I could talk to him about anything without feeling nervous or afraid. I was able to be myself around him.
I saw his determination and motivation and based on that I trusted that he will get his work situation situated.
I saw his giving character.
I saw we communicated well together.
I saw that he was able to listen and understand me.
I saw how he respected me and cared for me.
I saw that he believed in me.
I saw that he was committed to me!
But there were also things that I had to let go of. I had to choose to let go of that "in love feeling" I attached love to. I decided to let go of expecting that "feeling" because although I felt that in past relationships, none of them ever lead to healthy relationships.
I decided not to rely on that "feeling" as a measuring tool for a good relationship. I realized that there is also the feeling of caring, admiring, valuing, appreciating and looking up to someone... it's a different feeling, but a reliable secure feeling I wanted to have with someone.
I chose to let go of unrealistic expectations I was expecting from a person or from a relationship and instead take notice of what is.
I let go of certain hobbies I treasured when I was single that he couldn't share with me and decided that I will build new hobbies and new experiences together with my husband.
Our relationship had a strong foundation and we saw that together we can grow even stronger.
Before marriage I didn't really know what love was about. It was only when I let go of all my attachments that I was able to move forward. And moving forward without those attachments made me scared and fearful, fearful of the unknown, fearful of what will be, fear from not feeling 100% without those attachments.
But despite all that fear, I walked nervously down that aisle.
Now after a year of being married I am so grateful I did not listen to all those fears. My attraction for my husband has only been growing stronger and stronger. The things that we had to overcome together until now brought us closer emotionally. Seeing how committed and loving he is toward me makes me feel so close to him.
Being able to communicate openly with each other allows for us to build on our relationship in a healthy way and understand each other better. It feels so good to know that he always has my back and I have him to rely on.
I am so proud of him starting his own business, studying and working so hard.
I love the new hobbies we share together, photography, nature trips, cookouts on campfires, kick boxing and I am sure there will be more.
The feeling I have with him now is love, care, admiration, respect, trust, appreciation and feeling safe. Safe to be my imperfect self with another imperfect person where we fully accept one another for who we are, with all our strengths and weaknesses.
I learned that there are different types of love out there, and the "strong passionate feeling" we expect before marriage isn't always necessary.
Marriage is about building, creating and igniting love as well as learning together how to maintain that flame.
Love must be based on values, trust, communication, appreciation, commitment, devotion and fun - with that love can grow. Without that, I can’t imagine how any flame of passion could last.
When looking for someone to marry look at the qualities you admire in that person rather than what is missing.
Look at what you can give, not what you can get out of the relationship.
When we look for what is missing in people we will keep finding what is missing in people.
Work on attaining the qualities you're looking to find in another. Don't limit yourself to age, size, money, height or specifics.
Be open to all possibilities and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised.
Love is a verb; it's in the doing. I saw all the beautiful qualities in my husband that made me choose to love him. It was not based on a feeling that could come and go with a list of expectations attached to it. It was based on the extraordinary person he is and the qualities he radiates. It was about letting go of attachments and building new experiences together.
And now, having been married a year now, I see we are better people together. We look up to each other, we create fun together, we learn from one another, we choose to love unconditionally and look forward to growing stronger as the years go by.
Shmuel, I love you so much and am so grateful to God that we are married, loving and building together. Happy first anniversary!
(9) Seattle Shadchan Laurie YOung, January 17, 2020 8:47 PM
Way to Share Wisdom for Daters!
Thank you, Sigallieit! I shared your article on my matchmaking facebook page. It was wonderful that you were able to express your learning to benefit others. I hope you change some lives!
(8) Blair, October 26, 2019 8:18 AM
A beautiful article, as a single Jewish in her late twenties looking to get married soon, I think the author made many good points. Shared values, communication, and building a life and live together once married are more important than "feeling butterflies and love" when you first meet your potential spouse. My only concern is how the author wrote about the job situation if her now husband. I understand today as more women have college degrees, careers, and starting businesses there has been a lot more men that don't have stable jobs or the means to support a family. I don't think a man who doesn't have a good job or the means to support a family should date. I'm happy that the author's now husband is starting a business and working, but how do you build a life and Jewish home with a man if the wife (or her family), is supporting him financially? So, while singles need to be more realistic and flexible about finding a life partner, I don't like the idea or growing trend of women having to settle with men who don't have a stable job, skills, or means to support a family. It's unfair and where I live (I'm an American living in Asia), if a man wants to marry, he needs to have the skills, good job, a home, and resources go get a wife, single me without means do not marry, and women aren't expected to settle or financially support a husband (maybe her family will help). Just my thoughts, and I'm curious, how old the author and her husband are, what country they live in, what industry they work in, and if the husband starting a business where he got the capital to start his business...context matters.
(7) Rachel Shillingford, September 3, 2019 12:21 PM
BEAUTIFUL!!!
This is so beautiful! A tear jerker for some reason as well!
thank you for this!
(6) Rachel, September 2, 2019 8:05 PM
Happy anniversary
This couple show true maturity. I have a couple of personal hobbies, as does my husband, but outside work, most of our lives are shared. And we will soon be celebrating 37 anniversary.
(5) Anonymous, September 2, 2019 2:23 PM
I'm not sure I've ever seen this concept in print. I'm grateful to you for doing so and I think it was brave of you. I felt the same way when I got married over 20 years ago. I've shared that with some friends, and I've never had anyone confirm or validate my feelings. I would imagine there are more of us who have felt that way, but it just doesn't seem to be the norm or to be discussed.
Sigalleitt, September 2, 2019 7:49 PM
Thank you
You are not the only one and I know there are many others out there because I spoke to so many married couples before I got married only to discover that there are many that felt the same way. Different ways of loving needs to be exposed and so I felt the need to share this. It may be hard for someone single to understand because that is not what they are expecting. But it is important to share because if they realize that love is about being with someone who stands by your side, who understands you, who you can rely on, who is there with you through the good and bad, who you have fun with and laugh together, who is committed to you, then that is someone to love. These are the things we should be looking for in another person. Two people like that will bring out the best in one another and the act of loving is created as a result.
(4) Len, September 2, 2019 1:00 AM
that is what it's all about.
You are a epitome of a Jewish bride, an example of how it should be without fantasies. Its based on Jewish values of a home based on love that comes after years of caring for each other. Mazal Tov and Hatzlacha to you.
(3) Dina Yaffa, September 1, 2019 4:16 PM
beautiful honest sharing of feelings
this article has a lot to offer singles to inspire them to find their true soulmate.
(2) Anonymous, September 1, 2019 4:09 PM
Thank you for sharing you journey and so happy for you and your husband...
(1) Sharon, September 1, 2019 10:06 AM
you've got your priorities right
You're correct that open communiction and shared values are the most important ingredients to making a successful marriage. If you find common hobbies that's great but it isn't necessary for you to share all hobbies. You can each maintain separate hobbies and that may even be healthy.
Anyway, Mazal Tov on your anniversary!
Alan S., September 1, 2019 2:08 PM
I second this comment!
A beautiful article. And like Sharon said, you can keep an (appropriate) hobby for your self that your spouse may not share or be interested in. Vice versa too. Any hobbies you did prior to marriage are what made you, you! Don't change the formula. While it would be wonderful if your spouse becomes interested in your hobby. it is healthy for a relationship for each spouse to have some time to apart. I have even heard of marriages that survive couples taking separate vacations. Imagine that! That's not for me. But you get the point. Mazel tov on your one year anniversary.
Anonymous, September 2, 2019 8:25 PM
Thank you
Yes I agree. There are many singles out there who are afraid that if they don't share the same interests or have the same hobbies that the relationship can't work or that they will be bored. I was also one of these people. I believe there should be things in common but as you said it's not necessary to share all hobbies and it can be nice to do some hobbies on one's own or perhaps in a different way then one used to. I brought up this idea because when we are single we can tend to look at the relationship as "what is in it for me," when it is really about "I really like who this person is let's look at what we have in common together and what I can give to the relationship." That might mean being open to trying the other person's hobby even though it's not your thing. Or maybe sharing your passion with the other without expecting that person to be skilled in the same way that you are. That's an example of giving to the relationship. People can sometimes give up on relationships if the other person isn't "like them" - of course we should have some common ground but I wanted to send out the message that it is ok to also embrace the differences and have fun with it :)