The English poet George Herbert popularized the saying “Living well is the best revenge.” If you’ve been jilted, betrayed or absolutely flattened by disappointment, you know that the emotional pain that comes with heartbreak can feel devastating, and the road to living well - to feeling well - can be anything but straight and smooth.
Heartbreak can knock over even the sturdiest of egos. Heartbreak can leave us feeling depressed, angry, defeated and deprived. It can make us believe that we are unworthy, unlovable and undesirable. When we lose someone we love, a future we were looking forward to, or a treasured relationship, the world can seem very dark. We run the gamut of difficult feelings, perhaps not wanting to feel what we feel, but not knowing how to move on. And it can feel like things will never change.
So how do we cope? How do we get through the pain to a place where we can truly find peace, acceptance and relief?
There is no direct path out of the pain. The hurt may sneak up at odd times, or be a constant ache. The passing of time helps; perspectives can change when we have some distance from the shock of the actual loss. Along the way, though, there are a few things that can help:
- Take time to grieve. Sit with the feelings and notice them. Even create a designated time to be with the hurt. Resist the urge to fight the feelings or talk yourself out of having them.
- Allow for some distraction time. Read, listen to music, attend a class or join an absorbing activity that gives your mind a chance to rest. If you can’t concentrate, do things in small increments until you can.
- Talk to God. Even if you are not used to prayer, try it out. In your own words ask God for help in getting through your difficulties and for the strength to keep going.
- Write. Write a journal. Write a list of all your positive traits. Write a list of your gratitudes, of what you “yes” have in your life. Write a list of your victories, your good qualities, your favorite things, the things that give you pleasure. Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Tell them everything you feel like telling them, but don’t send it. Put it in a box and tuck it away. Write a letter from that person to yourself. Say what you wish they would say. Explain things from their side. Add it to your box. Don’t send it.
- Talk. Find someone, or a few someones who are willing to listen to you without giving advice (unless you want it). Talk to someone who likes you, supports you and will try to understand you. If you feel you are overtaxing that person, seek out a therapist and talk there.
- Take a look at your role in things. This may be painful, but ultimately, looking at how you may have contributed to the breakup will help you. Think about what it will take to forgive yourself. Remind yourself that mistakes are human and part of relationships.
- Exercise. Walk. Run. Get fit. It feels good and generates good biochemicals that will help your mood.
- Create. Learn to draw, to write creatively, learn music, take up a hobby. You don’t have to dive in, but open a new door inside of yourself. You never know where it will lead. Find something that will engross you and require enough concentration that your mind will have to focus, even if it’s just for a short time.
- Find things to look forward to. Simple things count, like meeting a friend or going for a walk in a beautiful place.
- Take good care of your body. Eat well; take vitamins; drink plenty of water. Get a massage. Buy something soothing and comfortable, like soft socks or a new sweater.
- Give service. Volunteer. Cook someone a meal. Take someone flowers. Call someone up and ask about their day and listen to their stuff.
- Learn one new mitzvah or pick one that you have never focused on and learn how to best fulfill it.
- Pick a prayer or a part of a prayer from a prayer book and learn it by heart.
- Dedicate some of your suffering to the healing of someone who is sick or to someone who is in captivity.
- Avoid triggers whenever possible. You may need to minimize going to places that bring on bad feelings or being with people who remind you of your pain. As time goes on, you will know when you are able to return to those places without getting set back.
- Respect the hurt. Honor it. If the relationship meant enough to you that you are in such grief or feel such anger, don’t downplay it. Instead allow all your feelings and set out to live well anyway.
While some heartbreaks may never heal or go away entirely, we can learn to carry them tenderly with us while moving on to better times, ending up with a richer, deeper life, with new joys and the ability to pass on our resiliency to others who will need it.
(14) Ibrahim, March 10, 2015 7:38 PM
How
Do you know what's the worst thing about a heartbreak happening? Whether the friendship let alone relationship ever even happened.
Honouring the idea of the love that wounds in such a circumstance and that is unreturned by that person is a funny way to act. But just in the end.
Life is maddening.
(13) Anonymous, May 31, 2014 5:34 PM
Thank you. This brought me tk years, but probably tears I have been pushing back. Your words were genuine and comforting. Thanks.
(12) unlisted, March 9, 2014 5:35 PM
Left out the most important thing to do when that happens
You left out the most important thing to do: try to recognize that everything that happens comes from Hashem, and on some level that perhaps we can't grasp, it's all for our good, gam zu l''tovah.
(11) Private, January 18, 2014 10:32 PM
Made me cry to, then smile.
I recently heard some news about someone I deeply care about that honestly leveled me. we were not in a relationship but I somehow thought that in the future, it might come in time. This news blew any hope for that away forever. I cried, I wrote my thoughts and feelings down and I also wrote to him about how much I care for him and truly as much as it hurts like hell, I am happy for him and wish him only the best. This is the first time I have felt pain like this in my life and I am not a young kid. I think I am on the right track to healing the hurt, but it is going to take a long time. It is funny because I asked God a while ago to give me a sign as I was waiting and wondering. And he did, it was not the one I wanted but now I have my answer and I can get on with my life. Thank you for the helpful guidance.
(10) Ben, April 15, 2012 5:35 PM
Nonsense!
"Write a letter to the person who hurt you" etc....This is a lie back and let him/her beat me attitude! Why not confront the person directly? What is wrong or unhealthy with that???
Ibrahim, March 10, 2015 7:39 PM
No
I think you miss the point that some people are very sensitive. I hope you become more understanding in the future.
(9) Linda, October 17, 2011 6:23 PM
thank you!
your words were soothing, and I appreciated your efforts!
(8) Anonymous, September 9, 2011 4:02 AM
Thank you
Thank you for this beautiful article. I just cried reading through it! It's amazing to see how many different ways we can lift ourselves up to move on. May you be blessed and may those who read this article be strengthened and blessed with success and happiness.
(7) Anonymous, September 4, 2011 3:47 AM
excelent article
This was an excellent article. I wish it had been around to be read by me 8 years ago when my ex-husband cheated on me, told me it was all my fault and then eventually left me. It was a huge emotional blow but over time I did get on with my life. I ended up doing many of the things mentioned in this article. They really helped. I would recommend them to others in a similar type of situation.
(6) Yael Zoldan, August 30, 2011 2:21 PM
So helpful!
Melissa, this is a wonderful article and while we all hope never to need it, its good to know there are accessible techniques to help people feel better and get better.
(5) Yael, August 30, 2011 1:26 PM
give your pain meaning
i went through a devastating, heart-wrenching, emotionally crushing and life altering beak up 2 yrs ago. I did most of the things in the list and they all helped, but what helped the most was elevating my pain- using my pain to help others. Using my pain to talk to other girls in similar situations and give them comfort, to visit the sick, to set someone on a shidduch- to feel that my pain made me bigger than i was before in a tangible way is what pulled me through after all
(4) Anonymous, August 30, 2011 4:39 AM
Great advice.
Nicely said. Appreciate the advice and details...
(3) Shulamis Mallet, August 29, 2011 4:05 AM
Beautiful
Excellent advice. Thanks
(2) Cassandra Brown, August 28, 2011 7:05 PM
It's a wonderful article!
This article is fabulous and so insightful and helpful. I've shared it and hope it's a blessing and help. I'm also sharing it for later. Thanks again!
(1) Anonymous, August 28, 2011 6:31 PM
Very well written. However I have a problem as to how one lets go, when there are constant reminders. For instance if a spouse has cheated on you and now promises never to do it again, shows regret etc., how do believe them. How do you trell yourself he is truly regretful and has realized hiserror or is he just saying that to comfort you. How does one let go and not think "Am I being delusional" ? If the person he cheated with is around all the time because of work etc. howdo you get free of it.
Susan, August 29, 2011 4:10 PM
How do you let go if he cheated
In response to Anonymous: Get marriage counseling. Don't make it an option. If he won't go, then you go. Find someone you trust and feel comfortable with. Sometimes you have to shop for a therapist. If he is sincere, you will trust again. Sometimes they really are sorry and won't do it again. You will know, you will feel it. I am sorry if this happened to you.