Secondary Infertility

I am also going through secondary infertility it is very difficult especially because I am 39. I also got married late at 35 and had primary infertilty. But chasdei hashem I do have one beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband.

Thanx! for your story.. I don't have a child and I have been trying to conceive for the last 6 years.. I beg you to please. remember me in your prayers Thankyou!!

This article has some great ideas on how to support individuals with Secondary Infertility.

https://www.chelseafertilitynyc.com/secondary-infertility-a-reproductive-condition-affecting-millions-yet-rarely-talked-about/

Thank you for sharing your experience and for showing a way out all these negative emotions. I am in a smiliar situation. A 2 and half daughter, a long time TTC, 2 miscarriages and a dream of having 3 children. I haven't found the strenght to cope with the situation yet. Thanks a lot for your experience, it gives me hope.

My stituation is very similar to yours . Your family is in my prayers .God bless

My son is 14. We started TTC #2 12 years ago My story is too long to put here but I'm praying for all you ladies

I have a 3 year old daughter , been trying. for our second one for 2 years now, it's the only thing I think about, I can't speak to people about it because all I hear is at least u have one. .I always dreamt of having 2 kids.

Thank you for sharing your story. We also have a 3 year old son conceived easily. We have been trying for 1.5 years with 2 miscarriages. It's a roller coaster of emotions and my life is completely put on hold. I pray all the time that God has a plan

May God grant us all patience to overcome this and to recognise our blessings. May we all have happiness in our lives.

Its been 6 long years of planning of second child..all reports normal...Now I feel like you suffering alone..I get upset when I hear someone conceiving a second child..Exaqctly same same story...Please keep in prayers

My husband and I have a 4 year old son and have been trying for our second child for 3 years. I am 36 now and know my time is running out. I had always wanted 2 kids and it has been very hard to accept that that may never happen. I did 4 rounds of fertility treatments. I have cried many nights over all of this too. I am finally at a place where I have given up trying. It has made me appreciate my son so much more. I am focusing on him and my husband now and counting my blessings. If another child comes, great! But at some point you have to stop letting TTC control your life and remember to enjoy today. Of course I am still praying for all those struggling with infertility and I hope God blesses each and every one of you with a child!

Thank you for sharing your struggles. We also found the first pregnancy easy and the second took a lot longer partly because I was still breastfeeding. We now have three, all spaced 3-4 years apart, and I want to assure you that it's really ok for them to be farther apart. My brother and I were 4 years apart, and we had a very bad relationship, so I really thought it important to have kids close together, but after seeing how the ones I have interact, I've come to realize it's all about the individual personalities.

When they're spaced farther apart, the older ones read to the younger and take them under the wing. The older is a mentor, a protector, a tormentor, and often best of friends. What's really important is making sure that the friendship develops no matter what the age difference--to assure the older one that the attention (often unwanted at first) that they're getting in the toddler stage is friendship and love, and that a big bear hug goes a long way towards getting them to stop following you around :) But later those bear hugs turn into real friendships if the kids are so inclined. So while I hear your desire to have a second, enjoy and embrace the first knowing that if/when that time comes, no matter what the age difference, they *can* be best friends if you teach them it's important.

I am about the same age as you and in a similar boat. My heart goes out to you.

So well articulated...I share your story, however I am older (42) and had my first at 40 because of infertility. I pray for all of us, that Gd will bless us in His right time with our second miracles

One source of possible comfort---remember Leah in the Bible. She had her first four and seemed to be infertile, but later had three more.



In any event, may God bless all the people dealing with these issues!

Please dont despair,I know its vwry hard because you can take your mind of it and you hope the more you think about it the more likely Hashem responds to your prayers. I have heard lot of great things about vitex tincure,perhaps worth of researching.Then,try to relax and think less about it - from my own experience you can worry yourself sick - then cant be helpful for your body.eat well balanced diet, sleep 8 hours a day if possible and drink water. thirdly, many of my friends with big families have natural 3-4 years gaps between children.the fact one should conceive within a year is a myth.especially if you used hormonal contraception after the birth of your daughter.it can take a while for body to work as before even if everything seems to be in order. hatzlocha raba

The above comments are really very moving and beautiful, and I wish all of you to have big families.

I heard a rav( don't recall who) saying that there are certaln couples that for reasons unknown to us are destined to be childless. Sometimes, for HIs own reasons H-shem decides inspite of everything, to change the decision, so to say, and let them have a child. One child. He said that if a couple were able to know that they were on the "no children" list, they would be dancing for joy that He changed the verdict and gave them a baby anyway.

Of course, we should continue to pray for more and may He answer everyone's prayers.

My name is yetta reigna bas sarah dina

Please also pray for
Bracha Liba bas Chava
who has an almost 3-year-old & would like to raise a big family, with Hashem's help

P.S. Accupuncture and diet modifications, and especially a holistic approach were really helpful to getting my body back in balance, hormonally and emotionally.

(Continued from previous comment)
Like it says in Pirkei Avot, make Hashem's will your will, and then He will make your will His. Shiurim by Esther Wein on Torahanytime.com helped me see that we are all expressions of Hashem's will, and when we become at peace with that and want to do His will because He is always kind and just, it's as if we make ourselves a worthy vessel for His blessing.
Lastly, find your peace with the situation the way it is and get busy with other stuff instead of things that will stress you out. Get involved in Chessed to take your mind off it. Sometimes just alleviating the stress makes a big difference.
None of this is to minimize the pain and difficulty you're going through. Acknowledge the pain and give it respect but then try to get to a point where you can move on and focus on being productive and working on your happiness. (Try Dennis Prager on happiness.)
Wishing you much Hatzlacha!

Here are a few suggestions from personal experience:
First, learn Fertility Awareness. It's the best first step before medical intervention to get to know your body and its patterns. From a spiritual perspective, Hashem put you in this situation to grow from it. Look inside yourself to find what you need to change or achieve in order to make yourself ready and available for this bracha. I listened to CDs by Debbie Greenblatt on sefer Ohel Rachel by R' Schlanger which I found very helpful. He talks about achieving that "shleimut" or wholeness/completeness within yourself and in your relationships. The hard part is figuring out how.
My husband taught me to be thankful for the blessings already in my life, and to find the right balance between being okay with things the way they are while still wanting a child badly enough to daven from the depths of my heart.
R' Paysach Krohn says in Modim in Shmoneh Esreh, you can punctuate the sentence differently and say, "l'dor vador nodeh lecha" - we will thank You in all the generations, i.e. give us children so we and our descendants can thank You for generations/continuity.
Next, work on your emuna and bitachon (faith) as R' Lazer Brody says in Women's Wisdom, believe that you CAN have a child! Hashem is not limited like we humans are and He can do ANYTHING! He gave Sara a child when she didn't have a womb! He is not limited by medical knowledge or even plain old facts. He is above all that, and show Him your faith in Him and say so when you're davening. Read the stories of our foremothers (Sara, Rivka, Rachel and Chana) and find the parts you can identify with. Ask Hashem to remember you the way He remembered them and mention that you know He can do anything and He is the source of all blessings. Ask Him to give you a child for His sake like Chana did, a child you can raise to be an asset to the Jewish nation and to bring Nachat to Hashem. (will continue in next comment)

I will pray for you. I was a "lonely only." I was so afraid of having no children or only one. (I think I turned out ok though.). People make comments without thinking :(

entitled "Infertility in the Bible-How the Matriarchs Changed Their Fate"excellent book on the topic.

At least you have something to show to the world. Be grateful as you have said.

doesnt one of the jewish orgs like Bonei Olam, Atime help with these type of things?

They do and they are a fantastic resource for anyone going through this to contact.

You should be so thankful for what you DO have and pay attention to your husband and daughter. You're lucky you have one child while many aren't so blessed. If you really want more children, adopt.

if you read the article you would see that it's about coming to the realization that I am grateful. Perhaps you could benefit from some sensitivity training and your comment and suggestion to "adopt" are insensitive and ignorant.

Thank you so much for writing this. I am going through secondary infertility too and it is so heartbreaking. I am also blessed with a wonderful husband and precious little girl. She is 2.5 and we have been trying for 1.5 years. Each month is an emotional roller coaster. Reading your article helped because it is comforting to know someone has experienced the same thing.thank you again. I see that you have been blessed with your second child and that also gives me hope.

Wow! fimally to hear a story similar to mine. It is so hard when you want something so badly and you can't haveit. I tell myself to stop being greedy but I can't help I want more children.I'm 33 and not getiing any younger.
Please pray for me
מירה גלית בת שייענה מרים

You did such a great job describing how I feel. I am in the same situation but I have been trying for a second child for just a year. I would love prayers and will pray for you too. Thank you so much for writing this.

dEAR FRIEND



I never could put everything you put in words for myself,therefore the way you express yourself is the way i feel,at the end of the day,we are responsible to control our emotions.and get our lives on tract.Well one day God will blessed us unexpectated.

I had a beautiful son 6 years ago. When he was 2 years old our situation took a nosedive and we decided to put him up for adoption. Oh how that hurt :'( a year later we were in a good place financially so we decided we would have another child. It has been 3 years and still nothing. Oh the pain of knowing I have a child out there but can't get to and then not being able to have another hurts beyond belief. I know that God has his reasons but I am beyond understanding why he would let this pain happen. I will still continue on my journey and I will continue to praise the One who gives and takes away. Keep me in your prayers. Shalom

Hello, I am right now undergoing the same feelings that you have written..I could feel its my story you are narrating..SAme to same..Rage anger at my sis in law and so on...Do pray for me too..as right now my hubby is abroad and we wanna go for further tests,,,Pray for me

There are so many misconceptions about fertility out in the wild because of newspaper articles about 70 year old women getting pregnant. I don't have kids and unfortunately seem to have a very low chance of having (per the 2 fertility docs we have been to and the non-successful treatments we have been through). If people realized that fertility is still a huge problem they would act and speak differently.

One thing that I think is important is to encourage young women who are nearing 30 and have not started having children to freeze their eggs. The technology has matured to the point where it is now possible and that really can make a world of difference.

In any case, good luck in your family and enjoying what you have and I really hope Hashem fulfills your prayers!

I'm so happy & blessed to have read this story. It has made a big difference on my outlook. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

I experienced 3 years of secondary infertility. I still feel guilty about spending 3 years crying and focusing on having another baby while my first-born grew-up and my husband suffered in silence. My husband also has MS and his health has deteriorated recently. It makes me wish I had been able to enjoy what I already had, but we all know how difficult that is when you feel cheated out of having another child. Just know that you're not alone.

Thank you for writing this. I am so tired of feeling ashamed of the fact that I may never conceive again. My grandmother had 10 children, my mother had 6. I have an almost 4 year old daughter who is absolutely amazing. So far people have been somewhat considerate. I think they have started to realize that we are having trouble and don't ask anymore. It just breaks my heart when my daughter asks for a sister or pretends that the dog is her brother. I think about it constantly and each month that goes by I feel more and more like a complete failure. It is good to know there are others like me feeling the same way and that they have come out the other side alright. We begin testing next week after 2 years of trying. Pray for me!!

Thank you so much for posting this. I am crying as I read this. I feel so thankful to have one but I want another one so bad. I trust that the Lord has a plan but it so hard to see all of my friends get pregnant for the 2nd and even, third time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Just to know someone has gone through the same thing is a comfort. Knowing I'm not alone helps. I have been through 13 years of Secondary Infertility. I experienced all the emotions that you talked about. I thought I was over and past it until recently a friend announced a pregnancy and all those feelings came flooding back. I am realizing that I will never be over it. That I'll always long for that 2nd child. My daughter is now 17 and I just turned 40. I am so thankful that God blessed me with the beautiful daughter I have. I don't know why we go through these things. Maybe to realize that we are not in control and that only God is. Or maybe it's to truly appreciate the blessings that he's given. Either way, I want to offer hope to you. Know that you can get through this through God's strength. I'm still here. I'm blessed, happy and thankful for my life! But it's only through God's help. And I'm looking forward to those grand babies someday :)

Am in a similar situation, trying for a 2nd child for over 2 yrs. Have a 5yr old dota born through csection.1fallopian tube blocked during healing from c-section. We continue trusting the Lord.

Thank you for your comments. I feel like I have missed out on living and enjoying life with my daughter the last few years because I am so distraught over not being able to have another one.

Thankyou xxxxxx

We got preg first try with the first one. Started trying again when she was 9mo and now she just turned 3. Starting injectables next month if this round of Clomid doesn't work. We can't afford to adopt. But we believe that the Lord will make a way if that's what he wants for us. I am not angry. I do trust Him and believe he knows what he's doing even if I don't understand. But it does hurt and I'm not yet ready to give up. I am only 33. All my friends are having babies now. Usually on their 3rd.

Thank you so much for this article! It's always good to hear from someone who understands. We are dealing with unexplained secondary infertility right now. We also had unexplained primary infertility, but conceived my daughter (born in Nov 2009) at age 32 on our second round of IUI/Clomid. I'm 36 now and we've been trying for #2 since late last year. Our first IUI this time around failed and our second worked, but I miscarried early on. And today I just found out that our 3rd has failed. Since our insurance only covers 6 lifetime IUI's, we only have one more shot. We can't afford IVF, and my husband and I have been having unprotected sex for almost 7 years with no natural pregnancies. Testing on both of us has all come back normal. I am trying to think positively about our next cycle, but I know the odds are against us. It's really hit me this time that we may never have another child, and that my daughter may never have a sibling. I'm sure I'll feel better in the next few days but right now, I'm feeling devastated. :(

am glad for these articles. i've been trying to get a baby no 2 for about 2 years now its hard with all the pressure from all around but reading these stories helps me know am not alone

Maria Ramos

I have found so much comfort in the words and stories I have just read. I spent the entire morning crying my eyes out after my entire office celebrated yet another birth announcement. I felt horrible for feeling sad instead of elated for another friend. I have an elevan year old daughter. We had her young and now that our family is ready for a little one, it's not happening. I just pray everyday. This is the first time I have ever went to seek online support. It feels nice to share and know that someone else out there knows what my heart feels. LP

I can relate to the pain and sadness of secondary infertility. My now husband and I got pregnant without even trying after 6 months. I carried our son until 19 weeks when he had passed. The pain of going through 7 1/2 hours of labor and leaving empty handed has been unbearable. To make matters worse, it has been 2 1/2 years and we are still unable to conceive again. I can't express to anyone the pain this has caused. We both had children from previous relationships when we were young and would love a child together. My thoughts, heart and prayers go out to everyone going through this.

I totally understand how you feel. I have 2 children which I had at 35 and 38 and later wanted a third. (God did not bring me a husband until age 32.) We waited at least a year and then we had fertility trouble and had to take Clomid which worked. . I regret waiting at all. After much prayer about having a third child (in my early 40's), I felt like God was telling me to go for it. I became pregnant about 6 months after trying, felt like everything was normal, including the severe nausea I had with my other 2 healthy pregnancies. I was so excited! When I went for the first ultrasound, they told me there might be a problem. The next week they told me the baby had died. I continued to feel pregnant and have nausea until 3 weeks after my D & C. It was the most miserable time in my life. Why did the nausea (all day and all night) have to continue if I was no longer pregnant.? I felt like God was punishing me. (We continued to try to get pregnant with many months of Clomid. I had a positive pregnancy test once and then got my period a few days later. To top off that pain, my sister-in law got pregnant a month before I did and made the comment that she really did not want another child. This is her third and she and her husband get pregnant quite easily. So I avoided the first birthday party , I have only seen that child once and that was extremely diffuicult. (They live out of town.) She is absolutely beautiful! I also had a co-worker at the tme who was pregnant and due the SAME WEEK I was. She was also in her early 40's. That child just turned one. What are the chances of that? I have not had people close to me pregnant in several years. I am having a more difficult time with this than I did with my mother's death from cancer. I wish that I had never wanted another child and had never gone down this path. We cannot afford adoption. So I just need to figure out. how to accept it and move on with life and enjoy it again.

I am so glad I found this article. It makes me feel so much better to see that someone else is going thru the same as me and has the same emotions. I suffered three consecutive miscarriages and as I write this I am going thru a chemical pregnancy. I feel like for the past two years I am being tortured and put thru an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I always have to hide my sadness behind a fake smile.... I feel like no one gets it....everyone is wrapped up in there own world, no one realizes the physical and emotional drain I have been going thru. And everyday another one of my friends or someone I know announces their pregnancy.... And as much as I am happy for them... I can't help but be jealous. I am trying to deal with the fact that life is not going to turn out the way I dreamed or planned. coming from a family of 5, I always wanted a big family and never wanted my son to be an only child. I don't know how to deal with this anymore....need all the prayers I can get.

Hello, Thank you to all the readers for reading this article and for your amazing comments. I am praying for you! I am working with an organization to organize a support group and will let you know as soon as it's put together. Until then please feel free to contact me at rachelfaygahope@gmail.com. We should all hear good things soon!

I have an Orthodox Jewish friend who had secondary infertility. She and her husband had two girls - then numerous miscarriages. It was very painful for her to suffer all these miscarriages - she eventually had two more kids - a son and a daughter. But my heart goes out to anyone who is enduring secondary infertility. It is painful and you need more support, compassion, and understanding.

I understand your pain, and the pain of so many who commented. I was looking into starting some type of organization/support system for those experiencing secondary infertility. with aish'\s permission, anyone who is interested may conmtact me at jenseruya@live.com. HATSLACHA TO ALL!!!

This article brought tears streaming down my eyes because it is exactly how I feel every day. I have such a similar story as this. I would love to be able to contact you, is there any way I can? Thank you so much for writing this, I think it should be published elsewhere.

I have some children but have gone through a lot to have them. With many losses. I heard a great lecture(s) from Rabbi Ezriel Tauber that he gave on infertility issues and it helps understand the world behind all this pain. On Kol Haloshon by phone or on torahanytime.com on line. Now I am after my sixth loss and I am angry. It was made harder by the awful staff at the hospital making fun that I was jewish...I need lots of support to make me appreciate what I do have and to realize that hashem still loves me.

Thank you for writing this article. It makes me feel more normal with my emotions. I'm definitely on the "emotional rollercoaster" state right now. I'm trying to cope and get better, but not quite there yet. I cry myself to sleep, in the car, and at work too! I can totally relate! My story is a little different... I had a baby when I was 16 and gave her up for open adoption. I still talk with her and her parents all the time. Most people don't know I have another child, so I get those comments all the time, "when are you all going to start having kids???", and "don't worry, it will happen." I thought it would be easy to get pregnant since it was unexpected the first time, but I found out through surgery that both my tubes are blocked so I cannot have children naturally. I have been totally devasted since finding out the news and my husband doesn't understand. He thinks I just need to move on. I feel extremely guilty for having a child with someone else earlier in life, and now not being able to have one with my husband. My mom tells me just to be grateful for such a good husband, but I long for more, I want a family. I thought since I'd already been through so much that everything would just work out this time. How can I go through both sides of it, giving my baby up and then not being able to have my own? All my friends are having babies and I've completely isolated myselves from them all. It is hard to take in, but when my younger brother and his wife got pregnant the FIRST month they started trying and it crushed me. My niece was born one month after my surgery was not successful to unblock my tubes and I simply cannot deal with her birth. I want nothing to do with my brother, his wife, or their new baby, and they all live in the same town. I'm happy for them, but it's too hard on me. I'm trying to get past it, but I just can't yet. Please pray for me.

I totally understand this! I shy away from baby friends and family too. It is bittersweet. Happy for them on the one hand and sad for me and my situation. I hate dealing with the jealousy I feel and every time I hear a baby cry, it hits the pit in my stomach. Read my comment below about "Being SICK!" I will pray for you!

I SO relate to your pain. Even though my situation is different, the same bitterness, anger and restlessness plagues me on a daily basis. Actually, reading this article helped me realize how much baggage I've built up over this. I got married when I was 22 in April, 2008. We wanted to start a family right away but my health became so unstable. I didn't know at the time that I had Chronic Late Stage Lyme Disease; an infectious disease that comes from a tick bite. I was treated for this when I was a wee 4 yr old girl and told that I was better. My whole childhood and young adult life was filled with severe unexplainable Anxiety (even vomiting), Emotional instability, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder and more. I grew up believing I had many disorders. I found out in 2010 that it was late stage, OLD Lyme and the infection had been in my central nervous system creating these diverse symptoms for years. We wait for children to protect myself and our future child. Pregnancy at this time would be detrimental to my health and the disease can pass to the fetus. But It has been 4 years and that beautiful symbol of unity has been pushed aside and I feel barren non the less. it has been very difficult for us. My heart goes out to all those who pine to be mommies and daddies but can't for whatever reason. G-d Bless.

Leah, it's so disheartening to hear all these different stories of why women can't have children, but at least we know that we can support one another. How long do you have to wait? Don't give up hope, we will both be mommies one way or another. I will pray for you as well. Thank you for your support.

I get curious and consult w my dr who claims that according to symptoms I'm describing I've got endometriosis n that is a cause of any infertility so lets do laparoscopy.  HUH ??? No way, no more slicing me poking me, no way.  So I suffer w my symptoms and wait it out n now it's been close to 3 years wout using contraception........ Dr again a diff one, let's check how u r ovulating, let's do a hystersalpinogram.........done.   Conception #3 takes place, who knows how much scar tissue and adhesions have been building up in there.  This preg was like the 1st, I was given IV, anti nausea meds given to cancer patients.......spare u, normal vbac, another healthy boy, 3 boys.  I could conclude, but I think u heard enough of my story.  Point is, it all happens when u least expect it.  Being anxious will halt conception, it just won't happen.  It will happen when G-d wills it.  We on the other hand should never stop asking, requesting, pleading, from deep within our hearts if it's what we really want.  What a hashgacha, my hus learned it today, that Chana cried to g-d please give me a son, she was rejected.  Until she said, if u G-d will not give me a son the kosher way, I will pretend to be non kosher so my hus will suspect me and then I shall drink from the holy waters and since I have not really sinned against my hus, G-d will be forced to give me a son that year.  She didn't give the Almighty an option.  She waited a long time, it didn't happen overnight, but she didn't quit, she was gonna have a holy son, she was a holy woman and she wanted it really from the bottom of her heart.  Be patient, don't quit asking, for anything, and I should practice what I preach.  Good luck n may Hashem be w you all n grant u all your desired holy wishes.

When that stage was over, I'm notified after the sonogram that there r issues w the baby, down's perhaps, I was regretting the minute I got pregnant for feeling so sick, my husband wanted to abort.....till the rabbi calmed us down, Dr make mistakes, pray n think positive.   I refused to do an omnio n it was a 50% chance the baby was downs since I refused to confirm.  I kept my hopes up, tried not to think about it, later sonos appeared more normal.  We get to labor, I labor 30 hours, water gets broken, dr I despised was on call, what else could go wrong n it's almost shabbos......epidural, hell yeah but it didn't work too long n when labor was intense no one dared enter my room, after 3 hours of pushing being on pitocin as well, my intestines were pertruding but the baby, nehhhh, he liked it way too much in there, his head did not descend a bit, labor isn't progressing, take her to the surgery room.  Yup I was having a panic attack now as well, u put me through all that so u can take me n c sec , r u kidding ? NO WAY !!!! lady u baby ain't coming out that way..... I'm gonna have to butcher u , and that's what she did.  Well what do u know, this was a 2 month old sumo wrestler at 10.7. And the placenta enormous.  I'm an average size girl, small husband, ok he's a bit husky now but short.   He was the only baby in ICU for 5 days weighing more than the rest put together ;) bli ayin hara, I have been through hell but he was just perfect, thank G-d.  Hard recuperation, a lot of pain, self pity, crying., did I mention pain, and post operative scar tissue, increased digestional problems, Hell.  Ok so I'm obviously not ready for a second so fast and min recommended wait after csec is 2 years.  So it took less than a year to conceive 2nd, we did a successful vbac, normal weight bait induced early though, spare u details of this recovery n episiotomy.  A year later not attempting to conceive 3rd but not using contraception of any sort, so what's the problem?  

please daven for me alte faiga leah bas chaya eta thanks

I too can totally relate to all the painful stories of being blessed with an only child, but wanting desperately to have more children, only to finally realize it can not be. As a Frum mother of a wonderful 11 yr old boy, I bet the horrible comments I've heard from insensitive people about my situation would rival the worst of them. I overheard my son's pal who came for a playdate, say to him with sheer astonishment in his voice, "what do you MEAN you don't have any brothers or sisters?!" and of course there was also the older woman I ran into who said, after questioning me and hearing I only had one child, "oh! I'm SO SORRY!" although Hashem has blessed us with one, it still is incredibly painful to know that our child is "different" from the huge majority of their friends and classmates, imagining their loneliness, not having anyone to share a room with, etc. And our personal longing is immense as well. I appreciate all the comments here and feel I'm no longer alone or misunderstood in my feelings of isolation, being "different" from all my friends and relatives... If anyone would be untested in forming a support group in Brooklyn for Frum parents of an only child, or would just like to talk to someone in a similar situation who can empathize, please email. If Anyone is interested in forming a support group for Frum parents of an only child/those experiencing secondary infertility, or would just like to be in touch with someone who is in a similar painful situation. Also, we are very interested in adopting a Jewish baby/toddler, and are financially secure. We are unsure as to how to proceed. If anyone can offer advice or guidance, we'd be most grateful. Please email Esdee614@aol.com

I would 100% be interested in helping put this together! I will contact you to discuss this further and try to set this up.

I would love to be part of such a support group.

Thank you so much for sharing this. We have also hoped for a second child for almost two years, and every month that goes by is heartbreaking. I was 34 when we got married and had our beautiful son at 36, so I wasn't surprised that due to my age I'd be having some difficulty. I've been trying to hold it together at work and home, but it's increasingly difficult when I see friends, family members, and coworkers who are pregnant. Perhaps I am in denial of my feelings at times, but I do not want to be sad, when I have an amazing husband and child. Plus I have a career that I love and wonderful friends!! Thanks so much for your column.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Although I am going through a completely different situation, I can understand the pain you are all living with. I thank g-d have 2 children, but when my second was born I had a hysterectomy (at the age of 27) due to complications during labor. If there is anything I learned from all this it's how important it is to count my blessings and to not assume anything is in our control. Thank you for making people aware of how important is it to be sensitive others. I pray for each of you to be blessed with whatever it is you are praying for and I pray for myself to not feel pain when people ask about when I plan on having my next baby, when I hear about people having another baby, when Baruch hashem a woman has an easy pregnancy and delivery- I pray so hard that I will finally stop asking "why me?" good luck to each of you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and providing support!! It really lifted my spirits by making me feel less alone! I too have felt like I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past almost 3 years of trying to conceive my 2nd child. It is a confusing and heartbreaking journey! I too am trying to move beyond sadness and anger and try to focus on my blessings in life! It is a challenge but I have been praying for the strength to carry this cross and to trust where God is leading me! I will keep you all in daily prayer! Would love to keep in touch, feel free to e-mail me at genuineangel80@aol.com God bless, Heather

Hello, I know that your blog was from 2 years ago but I read it and I am going through the same thing, We have tried to conceive again for 4 years. I am desperate and depressed and angry. It is very sad that secondary infertility is not talked about that much. Wondering how you are and what happened with you?

I have a follow up article that should be posted this week. Keep looking ahead (don't dwell on a bad month for too long)and hoping that things will happen for you. That's all we can do, otherwise the pain is too much to bear. Also, tell yourself, this is more time to spoil the one you have because, please gd, when you are blessed with another you won't be able to give as much attention to him/her. You are in my prayers. Hoping you hear good news soon.

I completely understand the issue of having people around you having more children and not you. I had a miscarriage after a year of trying and a friend got pregnant with her 4th at the same time. She gets another baby and I don't. Now it's been 8 months since the miscarriage and nothing yet. I'm trying to appreciate what I already have but it's hard. I need your prayers and I will keep you in my prayers. My God bless everyone going through this situation!

i am one of those women who don't have a child due to me and my husband both having fertility issues, all i ever wanted in life was to have a child. I will pray for everyone on here when i pray to be blessed with my own child. I know in August we go see a fertility specialist to talk about doing fertility drugs and a iui. I have pcos and my husband has low count, motility, morphanolgy(not sure of spelling) and spermantibodies. so hopefully the specialist will be able to give us good news and we can have our dream come true of having a family!

Erica, please post your name and I will pray for you. I also have only ever wanted to be a mom and have big brood. I am older but my husband and I have no issues and we are going on 4 years trying. And I just get older. I just take comfort in the one who created us from nothing, can also fix whatever is amiss in his creation. You guys have as much possibility as anyone else, because it is Hashem who opens our womb. I know many people who were never supposed to have children and did. We just want to be counted amongst them too!

I finally feel not so alone, now that I have read this. We too have been trying for another child. Our first was a surprise, born with complications and is Autistic. So we waited until he was a bit older and healthier to try again. Now I feel I have made a mistake! I just turned 40 and feel my biological clock ticking. We have tried Clomid, IUI and IVF, the Clomid worked, but miscarried, the IVF worked, but miscarried. I have had no success since then. It is hard when my own family members that do not know of my situation are having 3 and 4 children with seemingly no problem, ask my son, "Don't you want a brother or sister?" OF course he yells excitied YES!! And I feel a deep ache in my chest. I am trying hard to just accept what God is giving me and know he has a plan for us. It is hard like others, to not question, "why me?' "am I not good enough?" God Bless all who have this condition and those who have trouble having children at all. I hope everyone finds peace and their dreams come true.

i too am going through this. we have been trying for a second child for 5 years. the pain is unbearable prayin for everyone x

im also going thru what u a saying,i know the pain i a talking about.i need prayer for God to bless me with a son.

I, too, suffered from secondary infertility. After many years and many tears, my husband and I chose adoption to grow our family. We were blessed with twins! Adoption is a viable option and one you may want to look into. My older daughter loves her siblings very much, as do my husband and myself.

Our beautiful daughter is truly a bracha, but I can't wait until she has a sibling. We've been trying for 2 years and Have not been successful. When she tells me she wants a baby brother of sister I tell her to daven to Hashem. She always answers me saying, you daven mommy!! I am...

Amazing, breath taking. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm crying and feeling your pain as well as my own. I shall continue to pray and now with you and many others in my prayers. Thank you once again, amazing. Gold Bless xxx

I think the main reason for not being able to find talks/comments on secondary infertility is because, we have already been blessed, there are so many couples that can't even get one blessing (a child of their own), what have people like us got to complain about...... I can see what they are saying, but I like you are sooooo desperate to have my secong child. A brother or sister for my wonderful son, we have so much love to give. I have had 2 ectopic pregnancy, one before my son another 2 years ago. Also a tumour from my brainstem removed 3 years ago, my son was my miriacle, giving birth made my tumour come to light, not sure would have been found without him. My son has just started school which has left me heartbroken and the need even more intense. My left tube has been removed, my right patched up (hopefully working). I use a clearblue monitor to record ovulation, (only twice in a year). Probablyfrom left side which would be useless. I have just been refused any NHS treatment, now we are taking the costly private route. I too am angry and frustrated, the system is completely wrong and unjust. More help out there for drug users etc than for hard working viable people. Why should treatment not be available to us simply because we have a child already. I feel your pain every day, every minute I am awake. But I could not imagine how it must feel going through this when you have not had a child of your own. That is what has stopped me talking on any infertility site anywhere, this is the first time for me. God bless and hope your dream comes true one day.

Thank you for being the voice. Your story is my story and I honestly don't think anyone who has not traveled this road can imagine the pain. I will keep you, and everyone else here who is suffering, in my thoughts and prayers, perhaps someday we will all have our prayers answered. <3

Rachel, thanks very much for sharing this. You are not alone in this situation. I have a son who is 10 years old and I have been trying several times with the help of my husband for another child but to no avail. I have gone through similar experiences as you have shared, from taking clomid (fertility drug) to surgeries and fertility creams and have now consoled myself that God's time is the best. I am still trusting in God and I believe that the God who gave my son to me without my help will give me and my colleagues here what our hearts desire. Let's continue to pray for ourselves and God will hear us from His sanctuary. I totally agree with the anger, the tears and questions that come to us. Some people will meet you and ask you "what you are waiting for"? At the appropriate time, God will answer us. May God have mercy and bless everyone who is going through this. At the right time, we will share good news. God bless you all.

I have one child who is 7 next week. We have been trying for 6 years with no luck. We have beeb told that the problems we have leaves us with little chance of ever conceiving again but remember it only takes one lucky swimmer. 6 years later still nothing. I am tearful, sad, angry and worried for my son being an only child. I have found no help for people in our situations and for that it is hard not having anyone to talk to who really understands. I think a lot of people think you only have one child through choice but how often is that true. The hardest part of this journey is to accept the life you have and not the life you wanted.

Jen you were so right when you said that a lot of people think you only have one child through choice. I have one 8 year old child and I have been told so many times that I shouldn't stop at one, or what I am waiting for. Oh I can go on with comments. I also agree with you that the hardest part is to accept the life you have and not the life you wanted. I am grateful for my beautiful child and am gradually learning to accept that I probably won't have any children. This is in a way like going through loss and grief process. Denial and isolation at first, then anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance at last. I think I am shifting between the last three. I wish I could stop wishing another child and I would love to stop having any hopes whatsoever. But I am not there yet. I feel if I still hope and try, there is a hope. But I also hope that I will accept whatever the final oucome will be. In the meantime I try to enjoy every moment with my beautiful and precious child.

You are not alone, very brave. God will hear our prayers

Our daughter is 4 1/2. We have been trying for almost 3 years to conceive again. She was a complete surprise. I had no idea actually trying to have another would be an issue. I know of nobody who has this problem. She asks me for a little sister or brother all the time and just the other day a woman told me I should have another one because my little girl was so sweet with other kids. Oh - if she only knew. As I type this I am crying. My heart is broken. Nobody understands because I already have one child - so it is assumed I have only one by choice. I try very hard to be thankful - she is healthy and beautiful and that is a blessing. Truly. I thank God every day for all of my blessings and she is at the top of the list. However, it doesn't make the heartache go away or the longing to hold an other little one. I have saved every single item of hers so 'when' I had another one I was ready. Now these things serve as a reminder of what I can't do. All tests have came back fine. No issues. I would just like to ask for prayers please. I have nobody to talk to about this outside of my husband. Nobody understands. Thank you

Your story is my story. I too, have secondary infertility. I have a daughter who was conceived easily, and it has been three years of trying for baby number 2. I have tried everything, including ivf with donor eggs. That didn't work either. It is a terrible condition. It had forever changed me. Like you, I have more compassion for others who are hurting. It is sad that you have to be so broken down emotionally, to really feel for other people and their sorrows. I want to know why this God had chosen this for me, but I know I will never know while here on earth. It feel it will always haunt me, always hurt. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, panicked by the fact that I will never again carry a baby, hold a baby. I miss the child I never had, I miss the child at christmas, I miss seeing my daughter have a sibling to play with. I believe I will always feel this way. I try not to let it consume my life, and I try to be the best mom I can to my daughter. But I will not deny the void in my life of never having another child.

Thank you for writing this. I am currently trying to move on from secondary infertility and it so hard to find posts like this. I gave birth to my son after 4 rounds and IVF and 2.5 years. I was 27 years old. I am now 30 and just finished my 6th and final IVF attempt. I nursed for a year and started right back up trying when I finished nursing. After 3 miscarriages, I am having a hard time reasoning with myself as to why this happened, but I am having an even harder time letting it go and being content with what I do have. Thank you for your story and letting me know it is normal to feel so much pain even when you were already blessed. Good luck to you, I wish you all the best.

My son was conceived easily and naively in 2006. We started trying for #2 in April 2009, when our son was only 18mths old, he is now 4. My need for a bub isn't selfish, its not about me, its about our son. He is the one that asks the most innocent yet painful questions. He is the one that asks why his friends mums can get babies and I cannot. We too are unexplained, and too had the usual Clomid rounds which did nothing to assist, except give me hot flushes. We are not prepared to do further fertility assistance, as we feel we are robbing our current family of the funds, which we could spend on a holiday together, instead of jabbing me and costly tests and procedures. I still hold hope... I hope you do too....

My husband and I have just been diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. We have 1 12 yr old together and he has 4 other children. We've been trying since May of 2010 and we both check out not only good, but great in most cases. The RE doesn't want me to have more than 3-4 Clomid cycles before either giving up treatment or moving onto IUI. My husband currently is against IUI or IVF, so I feel that I have a time limit set. The worst part is that so many other women who suffer from infertility don't support me in my struggles because I already have one child and get to be a step-mom to others. They don't understand how hard it is to not feel like I was given a chance and for whatever reason God doesn't think I'm good enough to bless me with another. I'm so bad that he hasn't even given a human the knowledge to find out what is wrong and fix it. Thank you for your positive article and I will read it often to help me through this. We are not alone.

I just wanted to say how moved I was by your article and how very brave I think you are. I seem to be having problems falling pregnant myself so your words really made an impression and echoed so many of my own thoughts. I hope I will have your strength if things don't work out for me but sincerely hope you are blessed with a healthy baby soon. May the new year bring you all that you wish for and more. With love xxx

Thank you for sharing your story. As I'm reading it , I'm crying, because this is such an awful feeling and no one seems to take it seriously. We've been trying for our second for nine months now. I have been going to the regular endocrinologist trying to get my hormones in check since I did two rounds of Depo shots that messed up my hormones for over two years. My hormones are now getting back on track but every month is like a waiting and hoping game. I'm praying it won't be too much longer. I wish you the best of luck as well as the rest of the women out there going through this.

Thank you so much for this post. Secondary infertility is so isolating. I am very thankful that you have all shared your stories. Our son was conceived with no problem but we have now been trying for 16 months for a second child with no luck. I wish you all peace and happiness, and just know that I share your feelings and pain.

Thank you for being willing to share your story. I have two beautiful daughters and have been trying for two years to have 1 more. My baby is 4. I am finally seeing a RE this week, and have high hopes that things will work out! Good Luck and God Bless you!

Thank you for posting this. My son will be three in a couple of weeks. We have been trying for another since he was 18 months old. I will be 36 next month, so I am now considered to be "advanced maternal age." I was on Clomid for three months (hated it!) and finally became pregnant during the third month. I miscarried at 5.5 weeks. I have also been to an RE and also felt like I shouldn't be there because I was not one of "those" women. The constant comments, questions, and pregnancies surrounding me are enough to push me over the edge. Thank you for sharing your story. The only thing that helps in this journey is knowing that I am not alone.

Thank you for opening the door to really talk about this issue. I found that reaching out to my friends seems to make them even more uncomfortable to talk about the issue and serves only to make me feel more alone. I, too, have always wanted kids and never thought I'd have trouble getting pregnant. Now I feel like if I can by some miracle get pregnant again that the option of having further children is taken away from me by my body and my inability to handle this emotionally again. I have a beautiful 18 month old son and am eager to give him a sibling. Unfortunately, I struggled to get pregnant with him and had to use progesterone and clomid to get pregnant the first time with still no answers about what caused my infertility. It felt like a long battle and I was really optimistic that the second round would be easier than the first- because I had already found a method that worked and that's what people kept telling us. Although I'm relatively early in the trying to get pregnant again phase (consistently for the last 5 months), what worked last time has not worked this time and I feel that I've been trying every other alternative (naturopathic, acupuncture, diet etc) without success. I'm back on clomid again and hoping that this round will be 'the round.' Rachel, I'm so inspired about how you've reclaimed your life and am going to try my best to really appreciate my husband and son and to truly enjoy life again as you have. I am a true believer that what is meant to be will be and we're only given what we can handle in life.....so I hope for all of us, that means another beautiful baby is on its way!

I too suffer from secondary infertility/. I have a 3 yearold daughter who was conceived the first month I came off the pill... we tried again Jan 2010 for a sibling and since then I have had one miscarriage and one failed IVF cycle. I think and breathe about a sibling for my daughter all the time and it makes me very resentful of others who appear to have no problems in getting pregnant. I have been reading the advantages of having an only child and that has helped a bit, however I must say it is probably the hardest time of my life at the moment. I am however blessed with the child I do have and I do count my blessings every day. I am very sorry to hear of your loss of your daughter anonymous. You are being very brave and god bless you

I struggle with secondary infertility, too. I have 2 beautiful children whom I adore. I always wanted a big family, I just waited too late in life to start it. I got pregnant after 3 months with both my son and daughter. I've been trying for 3 1/2 years for the third and I'm now at an age that it will probably never happen. Very few people understand my pain and the loneliness of wanting another so badly and feeling helpless in achieving it. I will say a prayer for you and wish you luck in your journey.

Reading this made me cry. I'm so sorry you are going through this but it is nice to know that I'm not alone. I'm 23 years old and I have a 2 year old, my husband and I married young and I wanted to have children while young. It surprises me that after 2 years, I still cannot conceive. It is so hard not to be angry at God. I'm young, I'm married, my husband and I are great parents and great people. And then there are the women who go out every night and party, leaving their children to grow up without them and pregnant with number 6. I want to be angry with God but I have to trust He has a plan. The comments make it worse, you are correct. Family always threatening me with "Your son will be spoiled if you wait much longer" and asking when we are going to be ready to bless them with another one. I have told no one that we are having difficulties conceiving other than my husband and my best friend (who also is having trouble due to cysts). The guilt is the worst. Feeling so guilty for not being able to provide EVERYTHING for my son- including a sibling. I don't want him to be alone. Both my husband and I have very large families and want to bless our children in that way. The pain of secondary infertility is real. I'm so thankful to have read this blog. Thank you so much for sharing and I am praying for you.

It is so good to finally read stories that I can relate to! I had my daughter when I was 17, and although I am always grateful to have her it was very hard and I decided that I would not have another child until I was completely ready. I met my husband in 2006 when I was 26, and we decided to have a child together(or try). Since he has 2 children from his previous marriage and I have my daughter the thought of infertility never crossed my mind. We have been trying for over 3 years now. The hardest part has been watching my sisters get pregnant and have babies and wondering why I can't. I did have a positive pregnancy test in April, but went in to have hormones tested and was told my hormones were dropping so I was going to miscarry, which happened a few weeks later. That was the worst day yet and now I am completely lost and confused. I wish the very best for you all.

I am suffering from secondary infertility also. I have a 17 year old son from a previous marriage. I re-married & gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in May 2008. Unfortunately she was born with multiple congenital heart defects. She spent 6 weeks at Riley Children's Hospital & after 2 surgeries, came home. They never found a reason for her heart defects... was not hereditary either. My daughter passed away in September 2009, at only 15 months old. As time went on, my husband & I longed for another child, especially since that was his one & only child he had ever had. We've been trying to get pregnant for over a year now with no success & are devastated. Unfortunately, we currently have no health insurance (my husband was laid-off), so we are unable to see a doctor for this problem. I pray every night for a safe pregnancy & a healthy baby.

I too am suffering from secondary infertility. I have been trying for 16 months now and just suffered a devastating chemical pregnancy this month- that has left me feeling hopeless and shattered. Thank you for your post. It is nice to feel understood. The hardest part for me is not my own dissapointment- but the feeling that I am disappointing my sweet little son and that he will one day be alone in the world, when my husband and I are gone. This breaks my heart. Anyway- I am soldiering on- but like you- I am not charting or doing anything invasive. I feel that it is time for me to leave it up to a higher power and to begin accepting and trying to enjoy the beautiful life that I have been blessed with. Again, thank you.

I could have typed your reply. Feels nice to not feel so alone with this. Although my husband is extremely supportive and caring - it's nice to hear other women who are going through this and have the same fears, worries, sadness, and hope that I do. Thank you to all of you. God knows our path. While I'm waiting, I will believe in that and continue to actively love each day with the child I already have been blessed with. Love you all, you are not alone.

I am going through the same thing. I really enjoyed your words. I especially liked what you said about learning to feel the pain of others and not taking things for granted. It can be a beautiful thing when we open ourselves up to those lessons. Please pray for me and I will pray for you.

It means a lot to me to know I am helping others in this situation. Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely pray for you. May you hear good news soon!

Same situation here - although I have had 3 miscarriages in that time. One blighted ovum, one spontaneous abortion, one without the corpus luteum cyst so the pregnancy was not maintained. 2 years on and I am beginning to feel very hopeless. There are no reasons for the secondary infertility, and I feel like time is slipping away, my daughter getting older and the gap between her and a possible sibling is getting too big. I feel awful being depressed about it as there are so many people trying to have their first and not succeeding, so I shouldn't complain about not being able to have a seocnd. It is causing a lot of tension between my husband and myself as I can't let it go, think about it all the time and am constantly aware of my cycle. There is too much pressure on the whole thing and it becomes all-consuming - this need for a second child. I just hope I can let it go and get on with my life..I'm just not there yet. I really appreciate you putting your story out there.

I see a lot of people saying they shouldn't be upset because they have one and other people don't have. While I agree that we should be grateful for the one we have, I do not believe this means we cannot suffer because we can't expand our families. Your pain is as real and as important as anyone else's. Keep praying and try to focus on the moments your in without worrying so much about the future. It helps.

I have been ttc for almost 2 years we just found out the beginning of this year that we had secondary infertility. I cry myself to sleep about every night and i avoid birthday parties, baby showers, ect because it hurts so bad. I have just now started the clomid as well but still no luck. Ill be praying for you. May god bless

Thank you for your comments. I understand those feelings. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone and one of the major issues with secondary infertility is because you already have a kid, you can't hide from the kid world. So ultimately, you're faced with your child's friends and their siblings and reminded of how you can't give your child a brother or sister. Keep praying and try to keep your focus on the here and now. We can't control the future, but we can control how we feel in the moment

I have one son, born after I had 4 miscarriages. In the 13 years since his birth, I had one pregnancy, but that ended at 10 weeks. I have had so many tearful nights. I have had tons of advice which everyone who has never been where I am has given freely. And if I had a penny for every time I was told to just adopt, I would be a very wealthy woman. It is a very painful, very lonely place we are in. May Hashem bless you.

I am also going through the same situation. But supposedly, the secondary infertility is caused by my husband. We went to fertilify doctor....the solution provided is to undergo IVF. I am still torn on whether to proceed or not....

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable in this fertility journey. If you feel like you've exhausted all efforts and there's nothing left but IVF and that this is something you want, go for it. Ask yourself what is holding you back and think about whether or not these are good enough reasons not to proceed. Good luck and hope you have good news soon.

My son was born a year after we maried. I won't go into details over my long medical history, but the comments and the lonliness are all too familiar. When my sister in law gave birth, I wen to my room and cried. I was so happy for her, but the emotion of wanting was so intense. My son used to ask when we would have another sibling. With a smile on my face, I would answer, "whenever Hashem gives us one" while feeling a twinge in my heart. And the questions-So how many kids do you have? "One delicoous son". B"H my daughter is one years old, and a tremendous feeling of happiness has permeated our house. Did I want this to happen? NO But looking back, I see how it changed me. I appreciate my children even when they cry, keep me up at night, and don't give me any space. I say Nishmas with a feeling of intense gratitude-a feeling which would not be felt had the gap between my children been smaller. And I feel that the birth of my daughter was a tremendous Kidush Hashem in my community. B'hatzlocha-I will daven for you

.I have experienced something very similar. It is indeed a difficult challenge. I am thank G-d on the other side of the wall now so I am writing to let you know that there is hope. When Hashem decides it will be - it will be. Keep strong. May Hashem bless you with many more healthy children.

I appreciate your supportive words. Thank you!

Hi, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and thank you for sharing your story. I have been hoping that I was not the only person in a situation like this. My mate and I have been trying for 6 yrs and have not had any luck either. I agree with you totally, I'm done being angry and upset, done blaming, now as you, I will pray for others as well as myself and God said where 2 or 3 are gathered in his name, he would be also, so I will pray for you and ask that you pray for me, and I know in God's time we will share good news or gain understanding of why we were unable to complete this journey

i have one child of 3 and a half, has a miscarriage when he was 10 months old and have been trying ever since. it is painful even though i feel so grateful to have him. hate the comments and the guilt i feel that he has no siblings

Thank you for sharing your story. It was extremely encouraging and inspiring.

I haven't read all the comments and please forgive me if I mention this one trivial thing that could have been mentioned before. After my 1st child I wanted another right away but didn't get pregnant. After quite a few months, maybe 6, I had a heavy, somewhat late period that lasted longer than normal. I went to the gynecologist and he told me that I had miscarried and I probably had miscarried all those months that I had tried to get pregnant and hadn't. He recommended very strongly to use a birth control method, like diaphragm for 6 months minimum for the lining of the uterus to heal itself. I asked the rabbi who, of course, permitted it. After waiting the requisite 6 months, I tried again and got pregnant right away and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I had another 3 children after this and the same repeated itself...only this time I knew better and when I had the heavy "period", knew it was time to ask the rabbi again. This time a different Israeli rabbi was reluctant to give permission to use the diaphram but I convinced him that the "pill", which he recommended, without reserve, could have longer side effects on my natural fertility and he finally consented. Sure enough after the requisite waiting period, 6-8 months, I was pregnant again and conceived and gave birth to another 3 children. You must understand that it is completely normal for 1 in 4 pregnancies to end in spontaneous abortion(miscarriage) in the first trimester. Out of 8 term pregnancies, I suffered 2 diagnosed miscarriages and probably another 4-6 that occurred only because my uterus needed time to heal. I'm not sure if doctors nowadays follow this procedure. After one of my daughters suffered a miscarriage at about 6 weeks, the doctor did not tell her to wait to try getting pregnant again. She still has not conceived. I told her my experience but she'd rather follow her own doctor. I'm afraid that medicine has become too diagnostic and interventionist. I'll pray for you all. H' will help.

http://vatispallelchana.webs.com/ - A new site for women having trouble finding their zivug or having children to daven for each other and connect with each other, in response to the needs of am yisrael addressed in this article.

I terminated my second baby to take good care of the first thinking I will have second when the time is right. I regret every single day for the sin I commited and that I cannot have another one. Iam waiting for a miracle coz I believe in them

Thanks so much! I have felt so alone and am also sick of the comments. I am praying for others living with the pain of infertility both primary and secondary in hopes their pain will end soon. If you would like please pray for me Rivkah Yehudis bas Sarah. I am praying for all of you too. may god bless you soon with a healthy child who will cling to Torah and Mitzvos.

I added you to my list and am hoping you have heard/will hear good news soon!

Much love to all readers of this post. My husband and I have suffered three first trimester miscarriages in the past 20 months, and I ache every day to find comfort in the three member family we are blessed with (my daughter is 4 in January). I know we ARE blessed but this has been a sad few years, and I'm trying to find my peace. Bless you all and may we all come to our own happy place in due time.

may hashem answer all your prayers I will daven for you at candle lighting every week much love..... and may you continue to look at all your blessings.........

I know the pain of wanting a child and struggling through the process. We just lost our twin baby boys 2 months ago. It was our 3rd IVF attempt. I was 19 wks pregnant when my cervix gave out. I have been fighting this battle for a long time. But I made the decision through it all not to be mad at God and to do my best to trust him. Even through losing our baby boys I have not gotten mad because I know he has a plan for us and I am trusting in him. We are going on our 4th round of IVF and praying deeply that it works out. So I do know the pain of wanting a baby and struggling to get there. I will keep you in my prayers.

My mother had me and then tried for years and years to give me a sibling. She went to specialists and had operations and took medications. She also felt pained when people would say "so you only have one child?" I wish she had read this article, I know that she felt very alone.

Wow, what amazing feedback from all of you! Please know I am taking down any names that have been given and I am praying for good things for all of you. Please continue to share this article with friends and family (in a sensitive way, of course) and continue to share your thoughts. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers!

Of course it is very painful not to be able to conceive when you want to. Again G-d is showing us that our life is not under our control. My daughter was in similar situation. First one came with no problems. Then they kept trying for years until they went 2 times for artificial insemination then once In Vitro. After spending over $30,000 nothing happened and when the doctor said next time, my daughter said: there wont be a next time. They couldn't afford the first 3 times so never mind few more times. They gave up on having another child and although it was a huge drama for her and her husband, they went on with their life happy to have already a son. Ten years later, G-d performed a miracle. One day she calls me to talk to me and I was worried what could have happened. I got to their house and she showed me a pregnancy test saying it was positive. I kept saying it cannot be and didnt believe it until she had a blood test that was positive and later the first sonogram showing the foetus and hearing the heart. Miracle do happen if you give it time and maybe a very long time but its never too late Just let go of your anxiety and relax

After 14 months of trying, we had a beautiful son who then died of SIDS at 2 months old, erev Shavuot. Like the author we have a wonderful daughter who we appreciate. This past Chag month, I too went to Rav Kanievsky, kvarim, kotel...I am struggling to cast my burden on Hashem. Your article came onscreen after I sent a note to the kotel for help to stop worrying about when I might get pregnant again...Chizuk to us all.

Dear Rachel Feiga, I needed your thoughts some thirty years ago. Thank G-d ,I was blessed with two amazing children, but then I spent the next 25 years of my life- until menopause- on an emotional rollercoaster of monthly expectation and desperate monthly disappointment. We did all the treatments available at that time-hystrosalpinagram, injections, 6A.M. sperm collections to be rushed to labs, Clomidine for years, operations,etc.. I was the only one in my charedi neighborhood that was not blessed with 7, 10, 15 or more children. I finally learned to be at peace with G-d's Plan for me. My suggestion to you is to think abundance and not lack. Everything is in G-d's time, not ours. Develop other parts of yourself. Your beautiful child will bless you with wonderful grandchildren. Wake up every day and Thank G-d for the cup half full. Spoken from one who was there.

I am surprised no one mentioned the well-known Torah remedy of whole garlic cloves lightly boiled in olive oil as is the Jewish custom for married men every week. As the gabbai of the Steipler Gaon, Rabbi Yisrael Yaakov Kanievsky, zatzal, reports in his sefer Orchos Rabbenu, the Steipler would urge every couple trying to conceive to adopt this custom, often with amazing results. He explained that this is the number one remedy given us by Chazal to help have children. Rav Avigdor Miller, zatzal, explains why garlic was one of the 10 laws that Ezra enacted for the Jewish People: Ezra needed to ensure Jewish survival during the long exile. By consuming garlic on Friday nights, the fertility and demographics of the Jewish Nation would be preserved! It was such a wide custom that the Jews were known in the mishna as 'The Eaters of Garlic' on Shabbos (see Nedarim 31a). While wives often personalize the failure to conceive, fertility in men has dropped to 50% this decade (due to many factors ranging from staying in hot mikvahs to cellphone use), so it is important to work on helping the men concurrently. One of the most important things any woman trying to conceive should be doing, is taking Vitamin D3 supplements. It is emerging as one of the most crucial needs (it is really a hormone) for every cell in our bodies for almost every ailment. It has been strongly linked to fertility in women, which is easy for anyone to research and get tested for. Studies in Israel have shown lower levels in the Orthodox population, a tragedy that is easily remedied. At one time, when we did all our household chores outdoors in the sun, and slept at night in the dark to maximize melatolin, people were much healthier and more able to conceive. Today it is necessary to supplement. May you all be blessed to raise yiddeshe kinderlacht!

Unfortunately, sometimes people hurt so much that they feel the need to minimize the pain of others, as if THEIR pain would be less real if someone else's "lesser" pain is legitimized. Meanwhile, many people view the pain/feelings of infants.../children as transitory illusions compared to the context of "real life problems". It is interesting that the Vilna Gaon described Bitachon in Hashem with an analogy to the feelings of an infant - i.e. as if we were a nursing babe who has just been fed, snuggled in its mother's arms,, completely content and confident in its mother... and Reb Yisrael Salanter is told to have been late for Kol Nidrei because he was he was attending to a crying baby (that was not his own... whose family had already left for shul). Pain is pain and joy is joy. To each of us, our own is as real as someone else's... even if "in comparison" it might seem "petty"... We've each been given our "peckel" and have no idea how we would deal with someone else's.... L'havdil, Hashem, the ultimate Good, understands the "Good" in all the tragedies that have befallen us for thousands of years... and yet He can be "touched" by the plea of one person - a Rochel Emainu and the sacrifice that she made by "giving up" her husband to avoid the embarrassment of her sister... In fact, Chazal explain it was specifically because Rochel was able to feel the pain of her sister - a pain which many "minimizers" would negate in comparison to what Rochel was "giving up" - that Hashem responded in kind. May we be zoche to feel the pain of others and not be responsible, G-d forbid, for causing it.....

You write: Adoption will not solve the infertility - but it will bring joy into 3 lives. Many children suffer as much from lack of parents as adults do from lack of children. Perhaps HaShem holds back on fertility for some people so as to encorage them to look beyond their own selves for "continuation" and accept that raising another's biological child can be just as rewarding. I have a difficult time understanding your rationale behind this comment. Do we tell older singles that perhaps the time came for them to realize that they should choose someone they aren't happy with simply because it's taking them a long time to find their bashert? Is that the message from God? Realize that adoption isn't for everyone.

My daughter also had issues with secondary infertility, and I understand how painful this can be for you and your family. Sometimes, it is so hard to understand HaSHem's ways and why things happen. Praying that you will continue to count your blessings and find happiness in this new year.

I was not blessed with any after many years of trying and now I am in my 50s and too old. I know I am not alone. I do have a niece that I see often and share in her life and I helped raise a nephew many years ago when I was young but it is not like having your own. One wise doctor told me that I can either drive myself nuts about it or accept it and make the best of what good there is in my life. I've chosen to accept it. I hope everyone here gets the second child they'd like to have but if they don't, just rejoice in the one you do have. G-d has his reasons.

I was blessed with a child nine months after I was married. I wasn't blessed with another for 7 years. I heard so many hurtful and tactless comments over the years. I have learned to appreciate what gifts we do have and to take things one day at a time. I have also learned that you could never understand someone else's place till you walk a mile in their shoes. I wish you much bracha and nachas from your family!!

You have taken the courage to break the slience where many have not dared to speak. You are not alone, as a Mental Halth professional , I empathize wiht you and try as best as possible to take moments in each day and thank Hashem for my beautiful and precociouschild, my supportive husnband and for no longer being alone. It pains me to no end that my child has noone at home to play with and I plead with Hashem to send her a playmate but if there is a deeper reason for this than I accept it , because we are limited as humans and have to take the belssings with the unexplainable.

I'm glad you are starting to appreciate the gifts that you do have, but still have a long way in being sensitive to the pain of others. You cannot imagine how many women are reading this article right now, being so envious of the gifts that you already have. So many couples would do anything just to have the experience of being a mommy or a daddy, the experience of raising a child, getting to put his/her child to sleep every night, waking up to the voice of a child in the morning, wiping their tears when they cry, watching the child's first smile, first step, first day of school. Can you imagine how painful it is for those people who never get to experience any of these? You get to live through these experiences every day. Please, take all your energy and love and try to spend every moment that your daughter is awake with her. Enjoy her, love her, take care of her, show her the world. You can never spoil a child with giving them the gift of your time. Don't spend another moment focusing on what you don't have. Don't worry about more infertility treatments. Don't worry about what other people are thinking or the comments they make about having another child. Parent your daughter so that she will be left with the impression of knowing that her mommy was always there for her. Not for one second letting her feel or think that her mommy felt that she wasn't enough. Although your daughter is only 5 now, kids do sense and feel their parents anguish and frustrations. Every moment you spend being sad, is another wasteful moment taken away from your child. So as I see you have begun on your journey, to focus on the gift that you do have, I give you the bracha that when you are completely immersed in thinking only about your daughter's needs, rather than your own, then Hashem should grant you another healthy child.

I am greatly thankfull for sharing your experience so others can learn to be loving and sensitive to others. I will pray for you not only to have another baby by the power of our God who gave you your beautiful daughter but that you may have many more children by his mighty power. We have been married for the last fourteen years and havent been blessed with child but we have not given up on God because we know that our God is The God of Abraham, God of ISAAC, and God of Jacob forever... We must not forget who our God is: HE GIVES LIFE AT HIS APPOINTED TIME. It gives me a lot of joy and pleasure to see you up and about enjoying the wonderful gifts God has placed in your hands.

Beautifully and eloquently written. May Hashem bless you speedily with a healthy pregnancy and new baby!

We will daven everyday that you and your husband will be blessed with a healthy baby. And every week that I bake challah I'll daven for you. My sister and I also get 40 women each week to bake challah in merit of a couple that is experiencing infertility. If you agree, I will put your name on this list. May our prayers be answered soon.

At my 3 mo. checkup there wasn't a heartbeat, the doctor reassured me it didn't mean anything, maybe I wasn't as far along. Throughout those three months I knew something wasn't right. The pains I was having the doctor said they were just growing pains, but each time the doctor would encourage me everything was normal. God was speaking to me, trying to prepare me, something was wrong. Two weeks after that 3 mo checkup I went into labor, my water broke, and I had a miscarriage. At that time I also found out my husband and I would never be able to have children together without medical help. We got a divorce two years later. God asked me to remain single and let me know I wasn't going to have children. I cried for 6 mo. I wanted to mourn and get it over with so I didn't spend a lifetime debased for not having children. During those 6 mo. God let me know I would have numerous spiritual children, which I have had. Yrs. later I found out I was a Jew by birth, and I researched my condition is a built in mechanism that w/o medical help I could not bare children with a non-Jew. I live in a non-Jewish community, so God was all knowing, when I didn't have a clue for many years. Each chapter of my life hadn't always read the way I wanted, however, God knew what was in the next chapter and he knows what's in the final chapter. I'm still reading and learning what God has written out for my life. So far I have learned he does know what's ahead and knows me better than I know myself. He has also revealed to me and made me keep questioning things that helps me to continue to discover and to know thyself. Best to trust God on such important matters, he is all knowing, I found out.

Thank you for being brave enough to be honest with all of us who have had children so easily, so we can be more sensitive to others. This article will bring nechamah to many.

we are married for almost 14 years. we have done so far...10 IUI's and few complete and incomplete ivf. Baruch Hashem we were blessed with two beautiful children, but i not ready to stop my efforts...i told Hashem that i would keep trying as long as he lets me. i know your pain and i know your gratefulness. the key in this journey i find is to trust and love Hashem and to make Him our partner, with every injection, uncomfortable side effects, evasive treatments, insensitive comments and lastly failed cycles, let G-d hold our hand and share our heat's desires.

Thank you so much for writing about this, Rachel. I have secondary infertility due to condition I developed after the birth of my twins, more than ten years ago. It just doesn't occur to people that if you have one child, you could become infertile after that. I would not have predicted the number of people who would see me with my kids and tell me bluntly, "You should have more kids." Always a shot of pain. After a few years of just managing a weak smile in response, I started saying matter of factly, "God apparently does not agree with you." I'm not saying that that is the right thing to say, because really no response seems quite right. But I wanted to let you and others know that I know your pain and I appreciate you writing about it.

this article could not have come at a better time. i have one beautiful son, nearly 4 years old. it has been a long time trying for a second, with 2 miscarriages. the hopes, expectations, and disappointments each month become unbearable, and it has only been in the last few weeks that i have refocused my attention on my son, and will let hashem take care of the rest.

PLEASE PRAY FOR: ESTHER RIVKAH CHANA BAT TAMAR SARAH BAT TAMAR SARAH RUTH BAT RACHEL SHOSHANA CHANA BAT RUTH THANK YOU!

i have been dealing with primary infertility for almost 7 years- yes it isn't an easy road- however if utilized properly it is an incredible ride in which we can grow from and strive to become great people. To the author- you can just imagine what a primary situation is like if you are experiencing so much pain from secondary. please daven for the rest of klal yisrael

thank you for such a deep and honest potrayal of a pain that is unacknowledged by most. Having conceived my first child TG within a month of getting married, I never dreamt that later on i would have trouble conceiving. when we were trying months on end for my second, comments by others were insensitive and hurtful. each comment like a dagger stabbing into my hurt. TG I had a beautiful daughter but the nagging worry that she would be an only child, and that I would never have another, was rather distressing. A year went bye with plenty of negative test results, doctors saying all was normal and there was no reason why i shouldn't conceive, and the anger and resentment within me just kept increasing. BH I was blessed with a son - and now when trying for a third child, I only pray that it should be easier this time round. I TG each day for my wonderful children, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want more children. We as a community with such emphasise on family life, should be more aware of people's pain and be so very very careful when commenting on other's situation because it can honestly break a person by a silly remark - like "nu ur kids are so cute when is the next one coming?!!" May H' listen to those anguished prayers and grant all those waiting with the unbelievable gift of a healthy child,

I understand your pain. After having my first child, I also went through secondary infertility. I also had to check my ovulation, going for ultrasound and blood test every other day and nothing happened. I took clomid for about 3 years and one doctor told me that taking too much fertility drugs helped me to go through early menopause. You can't imagine my feelings at age 31 when he told me he can not help me and I am going through menoupause. of course I went through temporary menopause because he gave me too much lupron. I was dying to have another child and people used to tell me why you stopped bringing more children? Finally after 10 years of going through this emotional suffering we decided to check my husband and gues what?The only way I could have got pregnant was to do IVF and we never tried any procedure before. I suffered 10 years for nothing and I blamed myself for nothing and even my husband blamed me for not givng him children and it was really him. I was angry at my husband and I also asked G-d why me? I keep family purity and can't have another child, people who do adultry have children. Why? Now it was too late for me. I even tried for another year or two . But it didn't work. G-d never gave me a second child. I was depressed for a long time. I used to blame myself and my husband and the Doctors. But I realized that the game is over I better enjoy what G-d gave me. Many people had problems having even the first child . at least I didn't. that is something to be thankful. Many people don't have even one child or are not married so I have to be thankful for what I have. Finally I accepted the reality and made peace with myself. But I have few advice for whoever goes through infertility 1. go to the best doctors. 2. check both partners. 3. If you ovulate before the mikvah you can take some estrogen to postpond it. 4. sometimes emotional distress prevent you form getting pregnat so try to be calm and relaxed.

:Perhaps the most oft-cited datum comes from a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize–winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. (Among the endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shopping, housework.) This result also shows up regularly in relationship research, with children invariably reducing marital satisfaction. The economist Andrew Oswald, who’s compared tens of thousands of Britons with children to those without, is at least inclined to view his data in a more positive light: “The broad message is not that children make you less happy; it’s just that children don’t make you more happy.” That is, he tells me, unless you have more than one. “Then the studies show a more negative impact.” As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than nonparents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four." I'm thinking that In the Orhodox Jewsih world it must be different?

Although I do empathize with the pain described in the article, I find it incredibly insensitive towards people who can't have children at all.

I feel your pain about the situation you are going through. However, I do have advice that might help: A: First, I know its' hard to hear other peoples' comments, especially when its' such a personal situation. Either ignore them, or straight out say "I know you are trying to help, but it hurts me me when you say them, I'd rather not discuss it". 2. Thank G-d after many years of not having children we were blessed w/ a son three years ago. We are trying again, but the fact that we have one child makes a big difference. As a mother of just one child at least I have experienced motherhood. Whether one have one or six I still am able to carry on future off springs, B"YH. So please be blessed you have one child (that does not mean you should give up!).I So think about those couples who are facing primary infertility. I tried/try my best to focus on that there is always something to be jealous that someone else has. How does someone feel who is single/ Someone sick? or a problem we don't even know about. Pray for them as well. I hope I helped you and others reading!

Dvira, I agree that adoption has merits in its own right, and for many families it brings great joy. But, why is it that you seem to assume that couples dealing with infertility somehow need to look outside themselves more than couples who do have children?

I did like this true story.Sometime ago I read that G-d has got a purpose in every act of His.Every thing finally works for good who love G-d. Like it is written in the book of Job who prayed for his friends,he was blessed double folded and regained what all he lost.What more a sensitive example do we need than this?

My first son was born when I was 31. I became pregnant after being married eleven months. Two years later, when I still hadn't conceived again we started running to doctors. When my son was six and I still had not gotten pregnant we were in Jerusalem and were told that there was a Rabbi Fischer (ZL)who checked the names on the Ketuba (marriage contract to see if the numbers gematrias added up.He made us have the Ketubah rewritten and my middle name Liba respelled with an aleph instead of a heh and another nick name of my husband added so that the numbers would be equal. At the same time, I decided to stop running to doctors and enroll in law school. I went into one of my bedrooms and davened in English to G-d. I said, we did our hishtadlus; you obviously don't want us to have another child. I am, grateful for the one you gave us and will stop bothering you and attend law school. If You G-d want to ruin my plans, I will be very happy. Sure enough a month later, I discovered I was pregnant. I dropped out of law school because the commute was too much and I was very nauseous. My oldest son is married now and my baby is now turning sixteen and I feel tremendously blessed. Maybe G-d wants a break between your children. He did with mine.

Thank you for expressing my feelings so eloquently. I too was looking for somebody who can really empathize with our situation. Our son is about to turn 4 in a month and I was feeling the same way as you until recently somebody who is going through the same situation told me "I know it's not easy but we don't know what G-d has in plan for us but in the meantime try to focus on your marriage, married life is not all about having kids." I know it's not easy and I still sometimes get upset at my husband - even though there is no logical explanation for this-the whole situation is not his fault, but it did help to put our situation in perspective.

Thank you for sharin your story. I too felt alone and angry. It has been 3 years of taking my life back. With my beautiful son's birthday only months away, I look forward to celebrating this gift and continue to pray for another gift in the future,

Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings. We do not even have one child and I have to admit being angry with anyone and everyone with one or more children. I had not given the least consideration that maybe their prayers are also unfulfilled.

As I am reading this, I am thinking you are brave. All of you who go through this are. I see you sought out the medical route. I also saw that you had a job that left you in an unbelievable amount of stress. You have to know what that does to your adrenal glands. It messes with your hormones something fierce. Have you tried acupuncture? we have amazing results with acupuncture and the natural homeopaths/supplements to work with your stressed out glands in our chiropractic office. My prayers to you and to the baby who wants to come down and be with you! 22 years ago, I couldn't have any more babies myself for very different reasons. It tore my heart out. I still am saddened by it. May Hashem grant you with a healthy baby soon.

Adoption will not solve the infertility - but it will B'EH bring joy into 3 lives. Many children suffer as much from lack of parents as adults do from lack of children. Perhaps HaShem holds back on fertility for some people so as to encorage them to look beyond their own selves for "continuation" and accept that raising another's biological child can be just as rewarding.

Of course it is very painful not to be able to conceive when you want to. Again G-d is showing us that our life is not under our control. My daughter was in similar situation. First one came with no problems. Then they kept trying for years until they went 2 times for artificial insemination then once In Vitro. After spending over $30,000 nothing happened and when the doctor said next time, my daughter said: there wont be a next time. They couldn't afford the first 3 times so never mind few more times. They gave up on having another child and although it was a huge drama for her and her husband, they went on with their life happy to have already a son. Ten years later, G-d performed a miracle. One day she calls me to talk to me and I was worried what could have happened. I got to their house and she showed me a pregnancy test saying it was positive. I kept saying it cannot be and didnt believe it until she had a blood test that was positive and later the first sonogram showing the foetus and hearing the heart. Miracle do happen if you give it time and maybe a very long time but its never too late Just let go of your anxiety and relax

yes, so many of us get any with Hashem when things as we perceive go wrong in our lives, but I do believe he has a plan for all of us - when we lost our house and business - I too was angry - when I turned to Hashem and trusted and believed he cared about me - things did turn around - I now have a new profession and count my blessings every day. Annonymous

Your amazing article brought me back 20 years. I went through the exact same process. I got married when I was almost 30, and after medical treatments finally had my first child after almost 5 years, Baruch Hashem. I then had another one, Baruch Hashem after almost 3 years and more intensive treatments. I was 37 by then and hoped to have another child, but this time the treatments didn't seem to be working. I went through the anger and pain that you felt, and then, as you, I decided to focus on my gifts and use my energies for positive things. I also increased my Chesed, especially helping families who are blessed with many children. One friend, in particular, who is blessed with a large family, I used to go to her with my 2 year old daughter and help her on Shabbos afternoon. The first time I went, right before I left, she thanked me profusely and blessed me that I should have a child the following year. I thought it was a bit far-fetched, considering my medical history, but I said "Amen" anyway. This process repeated itself every week for a few months. Several months later, she gave birth to a son and asked my husband and I to be Kvarterim at the Bris. Within a year( at age 40) I had my third child (without medical treatments!) By the way, you should know that woman who are blessed with large families, I believe, are a tremendous source of Bracha. Don't be emabarrased to ask them for a Bracha (I am sure your family is davening for you already). Before my first child was born (after around 4 years) I asked a friend of mine who was due with her 6th around Rosh Hashana time to daven for me. She told me she went to Shul to hear the Tekiyos and then davened for me. 9 months later my first child was born.

I haven't read all the comments, but I saw many and skimmed the rest. Everyone - the author of this article is not complaining; she is sharing her pain. She is not ungrateful for the child she already has, but it is a true, real, deep, and natural feeling to want another child. She is fully entitled. She did not write this article to kvetch - she wrote it to give strength to other women going through the same pain. You also have sorrows in your life? You want to get married? You want to have a child? Hashem should bless you with your wishes in the right time, hopefully soon. But don't begrudge this woman what is painful for her. For those who are waiting for their first child and say "be grateful" - how would you feel if I told you "be grateful you're married!" And if your response is "I am! But I would also like a child." - then hers is the same. If you're waiting to get married, what if someone told you, "I envy you because you have a hope still of getting married - I never will because...and I begrudge you the fact that you even can."? Every, single one of us has something that we are struggling with. Just because something someone else is having a hard time with is a cinch for you, well, something you're struggling with is a cinch for someone else. But that doesn't make it any easier for you. You're in pain - so is she. But she's allowed to be, without being told "be grateful." She is.

I too remember they years of prayer, tension, pain and disappointment that I felt each month. I felt so guilty. I was certain Hashem was punishing me for my sins. I accepted Hashem's will and thank Him for giving me my son. I know that that his birth was a miracle as I had only one pregnancy in my entire life. I have one grandchild. Ironically, it is now my daughter-in-law who is living with secondary infertility. I pray that Hashem grants you and all Jewish women who are trying to increase our population many healthy children who will grow up to be Torah observant Jews.

I'm not sure where u live but ATIME is an unbelievable organization. They are a tremendous resource for information for medical etc. but most importantly for a SUPPORT systems for others suffering just like u. Please reach out to them. You will be glad u did.

My problem, beside infertility was miscarriage, constant, non stop miscarriages. I was also very young and had no childcare experience so people were advising me not to become pregnant all throughout those years. I went to the Rebbe and had about half a dozen dollars from him and finally, after seeing a doctor in Israel named Dr. David in Ramat Gan, thank G-d, I maintained a pregnancy using the Israeli version of Clomid and progesterone. G-d knows what those other medicines he gave me were. I didn't become pregnant the first month that I stayed in Israel to do his treatments and when I came to America with a bag full of all of his prescriptions I was told they were illegal and none of my doctors would administer them to me properly. So I took them to Dr. Farahani in Great Neck and he helped me to take only what I needed and thank G-d it worked. I carried to seven months then I must have dehydrated because I went into labor and they had to keep me on Brethine to hold the pregnancy in to a few weeks before my due date. With the help of G-d our son is turning 18 this month. I gave out all my dollars to women who had various problems too, but I can offer you a virtual dollar from the Rebbe and my vote of confidence.

With G-d's help, you should be successful in raising many more children in health and happiness. I know the painful feeling that comes from not knowing why something occurs the way that we feel it should- although i told others for 3 years now that i was waiting to have my second child, i fear that now it might be harder than what i thought. Although i am not in a hurry, i too, am beginning to feel that knawing feeling- the wondering, the insecurity in knowing what the future may bring. i can only pass along reassuring words that Bezrat Hashem, the child you do have will give you much nachas, and you never know what the future has in store. I hope that all women from Am yisrael are blessed with a refuah shelemah, and are able to concieve easily, and give birth easily. AMen.

My husband and I made the mistake of thinking we would "plan" our family. When our first child died at 6 weeks gestation we were told not to worry, we would be pregnant again quickly. Years later a fertility specialist told me that the birth control pills I had taken “made lots of women sterile”. So the pain we suffered was probably self-inflicted. I have since learned that HaShem says He opens and closed the womb. If we had understood that basic principle, not taking our fertility into our own hands, would we have had the children we so desired? I do not know. I do know that the decision that Rachel made to consciously be thankful is the only way to survival and joy! I am an only child who desired more than anything to have a sibling. I looked forward to “growing up” and having a big family, never questioning the possibility of that dream. If I had read Torah more carefully I would have realized that many women who follow HaShem faithfully did not have the children they desired. Is it a matter of “merit”? I have come to the conclusion that we cannot “buy” children with our so called good deeds. Life is not about us. Our ways are not His ways. HaShem knows the whole plan, we don’t. We adopted a son. The teen years were rough! My husband even asked me once to remind him why we had brought this child into our lives. Then my sweet husband developed cancer. Our son stood with his father and me through his father’s illness and death like none of our biological family. For such a time as this HaShem brought this child into our lives. There are six grandchildren I would not know without this son. My life is not at all the way I would have written the story. But it is the way HaShem wrote it and it is good! Shalom

WOW!!!!!!!! your letter made me cry. I have one doughter and I already gave up for another child. I left everything to hashem because as you said, there is always a reason for everything. I will pray for you and please don't forget me in your prayer ...

Check Puah's website: http://www.puahonline.org/ Also: I know of a Machsom L'fi group that specifically does it as a zechus for couples to have children. The coordinator has told of several cases where a couple had a child after a Machsom L'fi was done on their behalf. If you want more info, please contact me via Aish. May we all hear besuros tovos!

I was lucky to have two children but wanted a third. I conceived again once on clomid but miscarried that child. When I hit 40, I gave up the idea of having another child. A miracle happened and I got pregnant at 42 and gave birth 11 years after my second child. Looking back I think I may have been too conscientious re checking before I went to mikvah. It's always worthwhile asking your rabbi a question to ensure that you don't go to the mikvah too late. I'm not sure if that was my issue but it could have been. I have added you to our tehillim list and hope to hear good news soon.

rachel fayga bat hinda thank you for sharing your story. I am in a similiar position. i will daven for you and the others listed. hopefully we can be matzliach in coming closer to hashem so he can remove this nisyan from everyone wether its first or second infertility! chazak Vametz!

I too went through secondary infertility. I too suffered from insensitive remarks and the physical and emotional battering of infertility treatments. After 8 years and two miscarriages, my husband and I accepted the fact that I could never again become pregnant. But we refused to give up our dream of a second child. We applied for adoption, and a little over a year later, we were blessed with a second son. Adoption is definitely the harder road and not for everyone, but the joys are immeasurable.

A very close relative was unable to conceive after her first few births. For ten years she and her husband prayed, went to experts, underwent fertility treatment and watched while all around them new babies were being born in their families. Finally they decided to to apply for foster care and last month they were privileged to receive a lovely 10 month old baby who is the cutest thing in the world. But the best thing is seeing the whole family beaming, the utter happiness that this bundle of joy has brought them al, especially the mother who radiates like a sun as she baths, dresses and coddles her "child". There are definite disadvantages in taking a foster child but te pluses rule out the minuses a lot.

Although not identical, I share you feelings. As a young newlywed (going on 2 years) living in a community where everyday someone else is giving birth I really feel the lack that you express. My only hope is that people living in frum communities should learn to be sensitive and non judgmental. When I first got married I would look at others who had been married for mere months and wonder why there was no baby yet- and now i laugh at how stupid and naive I was. People should always be careful not to speak endlessly about their babies in front of people who do not have kids yet. You should be zoche to have another child b'karov and all the the women in our situation should be made into proud mothers!

My parents easily got pregnant and had my sister when my mom was 21. At 22 she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. That was stressful, but should not have affected pregnancy. They wanted more children, and tried for years. Nothing happened. Then, when a niece was pregnant, and they finally gave up hoping, they gave their crib and baby stuff away to her. Within a couple of months, my parents found out they were pregnant with me. I was born 9 1/2 years after my sister. I've shared my story and discovered this is a very common story. Many women, after years of trying, practically the minute they gave up, and gave away their baby stuff, became pregnant. I do believe stress and sadness can depress the body's immune system and mess up hormones, etc., and cause problems getting pregnant. The body is not in a good position to carry a baby at that time, and seems to know it. My parents wanted more children after me, still, but that didn't happen. Later upon my mother's death bed, when family was doing blood typing for donations to her, the doctor told us, that had she had a third child she and her baby would have died (RH factor). And that it was a miracle she didn't die from being pregnant with me. My mom was RH negative and I'm RH positive. She got pregnant when her body was ready, stress let go, and didn't get pregnant when it would have killed her. G...did do what was best for us, even if it wasn't what had been what my parents wanted exactly at the time. This was back before help was available for either of these health conditions. I hope what ever is best for your family (in the long run) is what G.. does for you. It may or may not be what you want right now. Hopefully it is what you want. Either way, I wish a long, good, healthy life for all your family, and others of you with this heaviness in your hearts right now.

I am sickened that such personal matters have become fodder for conversation with anyone other than one's nearest & dearest. Decisions such as "waiting" can be medical (most books I've read say that one should not get pregnant 2x in one year.) My husband and I had 2 children, hoped for a third, and when the third never came (we were well into our thirties by then) we accepted that and thank G-d every day for our wonderful children. I think a big part of the problem is that large families are being considered a symbol of religious commitment -- when there are many reasons why people may not have more than 1 or 2 children.

Thank you all for your comments. I am so happy to read all your feedback (good and bad!). Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I have taken down any names I received and will pray for you, as well! With regards to some of the commments about alternative treatments, we had considered those and looked into those but decided to stay with our RE since he is one of the top in the country. As well, treatments like IVF (which we looked into as well) are expensive and not always covered by insurance. Lastly, for those who do not have any children yet, or are unmarried and perceived this article as "kvetching" or felt "envious" of what I have- I think you missed the point of the article. This kind of pain and these feelings can be applied to ANY situation (being the only single friend or sibling in the family, having no children at all etc). The feelings of isolation, being judged, pressure,etc. is not strictly for secondary infertility. The end of my article emphasizes how I am not focusing on what I don't have, but focusing on what I DO. In any situation you can do the same thing, you may not be married yet, but you have a loving family, great friends, an amazing job. You may not have any children yet, but you have shalom bayis, you have good health- my point is FIND THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE, it's there! And in the meantime, realize you're not the only one who suffers in this world. We do not suffera alone. So many people around me have it worse than me, and that it was made me turn myself around. Other people have other problems, often worse than ours. PRAY FOR THEM. This was the lesson I learned and the reason I wrote the article. Please continue to share your thoughts!

Please refrain from making comments such as the one you have made. The pain this woman feels is her own and genuine. She is NOT kvetching. She is desperate. Not only for herself anymore, in fact she is desperate for her daughter to have a sibling. We don't know and can not judge another's pain. Rachel had the courage to share her story. We should all commend her, support her, and keep davening for eachother.

You are a very strong person. I feel it was very brave of you to write this. Many people are in your shoes and don't talk about it. By you speaking out hopefully some others will get some strength to go on and know they are not alone. I have become very sensitive to this issue knowing people in your exact situation or with no children at all. May Hashem bless you with a child and many more in the future with out this pain and suffering.

Would that be an option for you? Did you ever have the experience that your daughter has a friend over for a couple of days and by the time the child leaves you feel like she's your own? I've had that. It always makes me think that if I cared for an adopted child, after a short while: it's yours. I"m amazed that right after my baby was born I felt almost no connection with her. Yet with each feeding I felt closer and closer. It's not your genes that forms the connection with your child. It's the caring. Perhaps adoption would be a good idea for you. What greater chesed could there be? You could contact Bonei Olam for help with that. Good luck and thank you for sharing your story.

Miriam Rachel Bas Sarah. She has also been waiting for a long time. We should all hear good news soon!

I also have fertility issues and I know how stressful and upsetting and everythign else this can be. Have you checked out www.atime.org ? They might be able to help - they have tons of resources and message boards.

My first 2 pregnany's were normal. I went 4 years feeling exactly as you describe. It's been 3 years since I took back my life. It's a process and at some point, you must choose life. My friend once asked me, "what if you were not meant to have any children, and Hashem decided that you deserved the gift of a child, would you still be so sad knowing that?" I liked that way of thinking about it. I tried everything, exactly as you describe, I even started covering my hair and right afterwards, I was able to conceive, but lost the baby in the 7th week. I just could not understand, why Hashem put me through this pain again when I was just beginning to heal. I did confide in other people going through similar stuff and each one of them conceived, I was the only one left behind. It made me wish that I remained anonymous. It would have been better for me not to know. For me the healing process started when I engrossed myself in kiruv and loving other Jews. I invite non-affiliated people to my Shabbos table regularly and have come a shared love with so many Jews who are looking for Torah and meaning in their lives. I consider myself now to have a bigger family than anyone I know. I am not saying that every once in awhile the sadness is not sometimes triggered but I have come to accept that this is so totally out of my control that if I do not find peace with my life than I will be the one who destroys me.

Dear Rachel, Your courage in sharing your story has helped so many, as you have raised the sensitivity of all your readers. May this sharing be a segulah for you, that you should have the second child you long for. The realizations you came to about treasuring and appreciating that which you have were exactly what ha-Shem wanted you to learn from this experience? You are a beautiful person and have contributed so much. I am most grateful to you.

I have gone through what you are going through. I do know how you feel. I have tried to become pregnant again for 8 years. I took fertility medicine, felt horrible, gained weight, & was unsuccessfull. I tell myself that only G-d knows why I haven't been able to have another baby. At this point in my life, it is extremely painfull. I am in my early forties & are peri-menopausal. I will pray for you & your family & I hope that you will recieve the greatest blessing, another child. Always remember that G-d has a special place in his heart for women, he counts their tears.

Oy, I want to be sensitive. I have had many women cry their pain to me. Do I email this article to the friends who have the challenge of infertility, whether secondary or even if they have no children yet? How will that hurt? My relatives and friends always email me the Jewish jokes and all the other emails about Israel. I delete with a sigh. Say something, stay quiet. Sometimes it's right to speak up, sometimes it's right to shut up. Blessings for you sweet Rachel Fayga bas Hinda, to have all your heart's desires and be blessed with more children as you all bring so much light into this world. (((((hugs)))))

I dont understand why Rachel Fayga took things so emotiobally, she and her husband are healthy therefore can conceive latter. I dont think its good to put into a healthy person wiho conceived before easily all those hormons. It makes one an emotional wreck. I will pray for you Rachel Fayga.

I waited 6 years for my first child to be born. After going through a host of treatments, test and surgeries, I became pregnant spontaneously. It was as if G-d was telling me: "You do your part but at the end of the day it's all in My hands". There was nothing I wanted more than my first one to have a sibling. Thank G-d after 2 and a half years I had my second one - naturally. I know so well what you must be experiencing, waiting, hoping for that longed for child. Now my second one is three years old and I'm relying on the One Above to send us another one when the right time comes. I'm counting my blessings every day and pray for the ones that have not merited any children yet to be helped very soon. Chazak V'ametz! You're definately not alone!

Continue to focus on all of the blessings in your life and your wonderful husband and daughter, but don't give up . . . strange things can happen! I started out with primary infertility - my husband and I were married for almost 18 years before our first daughter was born, when I was 38. An excellent RE helped us . . . and I was optimistic that I might get pregnant again. But that didn't happen, in spite of trying several different types of treatments. Finally, I decided to focus on counting my blessings, and (as painful as it was) I gave away 99 % of the baby supplies that were cluttering our house. Less than two months later I got pregnant "by accident." Our second daughter was born just after I turned 44.

To TMay, your suggestion is the kind of thing that many people battling infertility (bot primary and secondary) find extremely painful. It's ignorant and unhelpful. For one thing, tension is NOT a cause of infertility (although high stress levels can interfere with the success of some treatments.) Nor does adoption alleviate the stress of not having a child, if that's the only reason that you are adopting. Beyond that, the only good reason to adopt is because you want to adopt. To adopt a child as a means to a different end is simply disrespectful of the humanity of the child involved. What happens if it doesn't "work"? Do you discard the child? Or do you keep this "failure" - and raise a child in an environment where (even if no one actually SAYS it to him) he's tolerated because his parents "have" to? On the other hand, if it works, what then? Do you discard the child because his job is done? Or do you keep the child, in an environment where he knows he's not really wanted, but is kept in gratitude for the "service" he rendered? If a couple decides to adopt because they have decided that right now this is the best way to build their family, that's great. And then, whether or not the couple has more children afterward or no longer becomes an issue in the fundamental relationship between parents and child (any more than it would for a natural born child.)

maybe you should try iui or ivf i now so many people that got result from this

you are a very special person. May hashem bless you with every thing you want in life in an easy and very clear and fast way.Graet artical.

Stunning turnaround. Sounds as though you gave birth to a new you! I wouldn't be surprised if the new you got pregnant. Very inspiring. Thank you for your story.

I pray for you, dear Rachel. Maybe Hashem just needed you to be available those past few years because He needed you (and only you!) to make the mitzvot you're doing right now... before most of your time is "taken" by many healthy children!

Of course it is very painful not to be able to conceive when you want to. Again G-d is showing us that our life is not under our control. My daughter was in similar situation. First one came with no problems. Then they kept trying for years until they went 2 times for artificial insemination then once In Vitro. After spending over $30,000 nothing happened and when the doctor said next time, my daughter said: there wont be a next time. They couldn't afford the first 3 times so never mind few more times. They gave up on having another child and although it was a huge drama for her and her husband, they went on with their life happy to have already a son. Ten years later, G-d performed a miracle. One day she calls me to talk to me and I was worried what could have happened. I got to their house and she showed me a pregnancy test saying it was positive. I kept saying it cannot be and didnt believe it until she had a blood test that was positive and later the first sonogram showing the foetus and hearing the heart. Miracle do happen if you give it time and maybe a very long time but its never too late Just let go of your anxiety and relax

Thank you for this outstanding article about your experiences. Of course, I wish you never had them, but since you did, it was very kind of you to put into words what so many of us experience on a regular basis. My wife and I experienced this for five years. When she finally became pregnant after three years of waiting, she miscarried in the fifth month and we thought we had no strength to continue. It took time but eventually we got it together and tried again. We now have two beautiful little girls and than Hashem every day for His kindness. In many ways, it was a blessing because we learned to care about each other in ways that other couples simply cannot. We have a much deeper relationship than many of our friends because we've been through so much pain together. I hope and pray that Hashem will grant you an easy path to the fulfillment of your dreams and may the experience prove a blessing to the two of you as well.

Like in many of the other comment, I too am crying and davening for you. It is so brave of you to come forth and write this article bearing your deepest most private moments with readers around the world in order to give them chizuk. In that zchus and hopefully in the zchus of all the tefilot of those who have read this article Hashem should bless you with more beautiful healthy children. In addition I hope you find the strength to continue going as you are now going, with emunah and a new appreciation for the gifts around you, as well as the strength to accept whatever Hashem has in store for you bsimcha. My heart really goes out to you.

You wrote: You wouldn't find us kvetching like this. I think if you'd have been given the gift of children, you would kvetch like the rest of humanity does. It's only when one misses something that they know to appreciate it. May G-d bless everyone with what they wish for and need.

Author Jessie Fischbein (not the cookbook person) wrote a book based on her personal experiences and her scholarly research. I felt it was helpful for any tsorus but especially for fertility issues. It's called "Infertitlity in the Bible How the Matriarchs Changed Their Fate Devora Publishing 2005 How You Can Too. My rebbitzin was only able to have one son. He is amazing and has given his parents 4 precious grandchildren. There is no anger/deprivation there. They more than accepted their lot (many years before all the fertility treatments) and have a wonderful life. Best of luck to you.

I will pray that your family will grow. My daughter also suffered from unexplained secondary infertility for over three years. A new doctor found that she has autoimmune issues.

I am very upset by these comments. A women has come and poured her heart out, she is in pain, where is your rachmanut? Yes, her pain is different from your pain, but it is still pain, SIF is a very real and painful condition. Yes it is not the same as PIF, its a different challenge, but it is still real and painful. My mother suffered from SIF, and her sister from PIF, unfortunately our family has been through this pain. The pain of not moving on when all around you are is very difficult, whether it is PIF, SIF, or not getting married when all your friends have, its the same feeling of pain of not moving on. As Jews we are a nation of rachmanut, we should feel each others pain and storm the heavens with tefilot for our sisters and brothers in need. We should never stand by and say, well guess what my life is worse so I cannot feel sorry for you! Do you want hashem to have rachamim on you? then have rachamim on HIS children! Secondly, telling a women with infertility to adopt is callous, its not proven that adoption causes spontaneous pregnancies. as the underlying medical condition does not go away simply because you have a baby to love. Telling people what medical treatments you think they should use because your third cousins best friend stood on her head for an hour each mikva night and got pregnant after 10 years of IF, is in the height of insensitivity. For those women going through PIF, and SIF, IYH, you will have that much deserved much wanted child. I hope that hashem answers all your prayers quickly and gives you all what you desperately want.

It is so wonderful that you have found all the silver linings in this cloud. May your eye-opening be a guide for others.

there is support out there for all types of fertility issues you dont have to suffer alone. WWW.ATIME.ORG

I well know about the hurtful though well intentioned comments that others make re lack of children when you are married. My story is a bit complicated but basically, at the time I was ready to become pregnant I did not, and then I put it off until I became infertile from removal of my ovaries due to torsion(twisting) of ovarian cysts. I lost my last piece of functioning ovary at 31, and menopause began. I had often been worried re having children due to mental illness, and other things, but although I was not confident at all, I did suffer in my subconscious. Now I am 61, and all my friends' children are grown up, but it still hurts when they have babies. A wise friend who adopted 2 babies (spouse infertile due to mumps), told me that 'when you cannot have children, you have one big pain, but when you have them, you have many pains'.I realise that this is not the case with Rachel, but it's something I remind myself of whenever the pain and loss hits. Even though I know that it would have been a disaster if I had kids, I still miss them. Having offspring seems to admit people to another level in our society, but I try to make up for it with our four legged family (pet dogs) who needed homes desperately. They help a lot to fill the gap. May G-d bless you either with a pregnancy, or comfort and assist you to another route to happiness and fulfillment in your life. Shalom

Rachel Fayga: I acknowledge you for the courage it took to write this letter. I have travellled the same road as you. I know the pain and hurt you feel when you see another pregnant woman walking in the street. I know the feeling you get when a new Mother is strolling her double-wide stroller through your town. When I was trying to conceive a child, I prayed to Hashem every day and every night until I became pregnant. We tried to have another child and it never happened. My son recently stopped asking me for a brother or sister and told me he loved me so much he could not imagine sharing me with a sibling. I hugged him so hard and thanked Hashem for sending me such a wonderful son. I would have loved to have a large family, but I am grateful for my one son. I hope this year will bring you closer to your family and to Hashem. Keep us posted. KOl tuv.

If you're open to holistic ideas, you might be able to work with a LifeLine practitioner to re-educate your unconscious mental blocks to whatever is blocking your path to whatever your conscious mind desires. You can search this on the internet and/or read a book by Dr. Darren Weissman. There is a big world of alternative medicine out there that has answers for many people. Just go look and don't give up.

I have heard that bioidentical hormones sometimes might be helpful. There's lot of info on line. G-d bless you!

Rochel Fayge I commend you for your honesty and courage in opening up to the public. I know from personal experience the gut-wrenching feelings you describe and the sense of worthlessness mentioned in some of the comments. My husband and I waited 18 painful years for our daughter to be born: our joy was indescribable at this event. Except, to our surprise, we found our baby had special needs. Was this our reward, after all that time? Was G-d playing games with us? We realized fairly soon after that this was a gift of immeasurable proportions. We are grateful for every developmental step she takes (parents of "normal" children often take these things for granted after the initial smile, walk and talk are achieved). And yes, we are much more sensitive to the situations of single people, childless couples, divorcees, widow(er)s, financially-challenged people, sickness, old age, Alzheimers... the list goes on of problems other people face. The lesson you are only just starting to learn is that we're here for a purpose. Hashem gives us a set of circumstances and is waiting to see how we react. The pain you are going through should be the pain of all those around you. And the pain of others should be your pain too. Go out and help mothers of large families who are overwhelmed. Spend some time with families with children with special needs. When you do chesed in the field which is your nisayon, you will truly learn the lesson that you articulate intellectually in your article, but will have placed it in your heart. Then you will have made the connection Hashem was waiting for. Then you will feel deeply blessed that you have this gift, as well as a wonderful husband and daughter. You will have reached completion.

My husband and I married in 1992. It took 5 1/2 years and four miscarriages to have our son in 1997. There was one pregnancy after that, in 2001, but that ended at 10 weeks. There has been no pregnancies after that. Our son is 13 now, I am 43 and I believe that period of my life is over. I am still resentful and hurt.

I am currently dealing with primary infertility. I hope you have a second child soon. It was difficult for me to read this article because I am envious and wish I had a child.

My heart goes out to you. As someone who suffered from secondary infertility, I felt like a complete failure (and the self-induced feeling of failure and inadequacy is especially severe in the Orthodox community, where people commonly have large families that are close in age) I do have kids, but I've had nine miscarriages, all between 11 - 15 weeks, including an ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me. Each and every pregnancy was tumultuous and affected my family life, and now as an older woman I suffer health problems that are directly related to this difficult period in my life so many years ago. I was also on regimented bed rest for all of my endangered (and ultimately mostly unsuccessful) pregnancies - if you totaled up the amount of time I was on bed rest, it comes to a year! That's a year of my life in the hospital, confined to bed, away from my family! From this I learned several things: Jewish women , since Biblical times through the present, will make amazing sacrifices to have a baby - I saw so many different, difficult yet inspiring cases while I was in the hospital. That said, if I have to be honest with myself, I wish in retrospect I had worried/obsessed less about having another child, and instead concentrated more on appreciating the child(ren) that G-d did give me. I was not there for them so much of their childhood because I was undergoing treatment and incapacitated, and it was not really fair to them. I am now a grandmother and, true to cliche, I get even more nachas from them than I did from my own. Some day IYH you will reap this nachas as well.

Dear Rachel Fayga bat Hinda, Nechama bat Sarah and Rachel bat Miriam Shayndel, with your permission I submitted your names to our Shmirat Halashon list; 18 women (shomrot) shall guard their tongues for 3 consecutive weeks. May the merit of these loshon hora-free weeks bring the salvation you are so understandably, yearning for. May we, please G-d, hear/read about your good tidings!

Seeing the comments by some of the women with primary infertility this is exatly why women with secondary infertiliy keep silent and feel horrible guilt. We understand your pain but we have pain as well. We dont only feel bad for ourselves but also for our children. I dont think until someone is in the other person's shoes could you truly understand what we feel. Being Blind from birth or blind from an accident are both horrible you cant say to the person who lost there site later "oh well at least you know what the sky looks like". Both situations are horrible and to some the second might be worse because you know what to expect. Please try to be compassionate to each other.

At 51 I was still trying to have a child of our own (after adopting 3). It was not to be. My encouragement is to rest in Hashem and know that He loves you, has your best at His heart. Wait on Him and trust that His will is best.

Your story brought tears to my eyes, because I have suffered somewhat similarly, although not identically. Thyroid can be implicated in infertility, but more than TSH must be tested: Free T3 and Free T4 are necessary and should be in upper ranges. See StopTheThyroidMadness.com for accurate thyroid information. Also, one doc, Dr Kent Holtorf feels “Currently, the best marker for tissue thyroid levels is the freeT3/reverse T3 ratio – low tissue thyroid levels are associated with a value less than 2.” Thyroid today is inadequately tested and treated, with devastating results. My heart is with you.

Thanks be to Hashem for giving you one child and not leaving you barren.

Two and a half years after our first child was born, my husband and I tried for a second. Since with our first I'd gotten pregnant on the first try we expected the same result. But no. We tried and tried, and tried and saw doctors. Finally went to Chinese Dr.after one treatment (acupuncture and herbs) my cycle regulated. Three months later our son was conceived. He was born shortly before my 39th birthday.

I was so touched by your courage and your heartfelt article. I know how devastating the comments can be. Your article was straight from the heart, and I sincerely hope that your prayers are answered NOW!!! Thank you so much for writing such an honest article and for making people aware of what is becoming more and more common. May you go from strength to strength!!!

Why don't you try another RE, or a high-risk pregnancy ob/gyn? I've heard of a case where a woman lost 2 babies at about the 6th week of pregnancy and then went to another ob/gyn who made an adjustment in the hormonal level. She now has 2 healthy kids, and a 3rd is on the way.

I'm crying with you, and I'll pray for you. Hashem should bless you with healthy children.

One of the most helpful things I have ever read was the chapter in Woman's Wisdom by Rav Arush. He has in it beautiful prayers to pray for fertility and puts things in a beautiful perspective. He writes with such sensitivity, he really captures a woman's experience and offers a perspective to reinstate emunah and sanity!

log on to www.breslev.co.il, there is a wonderful writer called Rivka Levy who has written many articles about her struggle with the identical problem (and other wonderful articles). Perhaps you will be able to contact her and support each other... many blessings

I knew someone who could not get pregnant and then she adopted a baby and then immediately became pregnant. There is something about tension that can block a pregnancy in some people, .

My story is the same as yours, except everyone around me assumes I'm too tired and selfish for a second child so I'm procrastinating. I've tried Chlomid too and can't wrap my head around more extensive treatments. I feel so bad for my little boy, wondering if he will grow up alone and sad because I failed.

Each person's situation is obviously unique and handled by a Case Manager who knows exactly what He's doing, but i thought that I'd share a story with a positive ending in the hope that it will help other keep hoping...I have a cousin who had her first baby within a couple of years after her marriage. she was not blessed with more children right away as were most of the young couples around her. I can only imagine how painful this must have been. Baruch Hashem, by the time her oldest daughter turned five, she was blessed with another sweet, beautiful daughter. now, 14 months later, she has just given birth to her third gorgeous baby girl. Her hands are quite full now, but I imagine that she's counting her blessings!! May Hashem bless all those couples out there who are waiting to bring precious neshamos into this world.

Lets pray for each other.

Thank you for writting this, especially here where so many people will see it. I have been struggling to learn how to take back my life and be thankful for what I have. It is so hard when the constant monthly reminder is there. I dont think people out there reallly realize how taxing fertility treatments can be. From the physical to the emotional to the spiritual pain it is never ending loop each month. Thank for letting me see that I am not alone, that I can end the negative loop. I was ignorant to this problem before it happened to me so thanks again for letting others know.

Thank you for your honesty and bravery in being 'out there' about a topic that is so often hidden. My husband and I struggled for 10 years with infertility - often not sure how to talk about it between ourselves let alone with others. Thankfully we eventually began to reclaim our lives and focus on appreciating what we had - so many things that had been pushed to the side in the focus on trying to get pregnant. Three years ago we started making dolls and in August of this year we distributed 1,000 of them around Jerusalem. You can read about it at http://www.yadshniyah.com. I wish you continued strength, clarity and simcha as you continue your life's journey.

I have been dealing with primary infertility for two years. I have felt everything that you describe here. Every month hurts, and every one of my friends' kids is like a knife in my heart. People keep saying to me, "You're so smart for waiting," and I just smile and say, "Yeah...." It's very hard, but I pray that both of us will get the relief we've been waiting for very soon.

It's very hard to want something so bad, and in your case, a story surely, about love, wanting your daughter to have a sibling, and for yourself, more children. You did everything you could and had moments of breaking down, as anyone would, feeling depressed and angry, and having faith in God, then also asking deep questions about all of that, too. Who is responsible here? What is yours, and what is, God's? I am happy you came to terms with the beauty in your life, because there is this evanescence to beauty, as in a rose, there is a time it folds up and that fragrance is not so strong, as it once was, those days of raising your daughter, the sweetness of her childhood, and the bittersweet that might enter, with your pleas and pain. And also your husband's issues, loving you, and feeling that pain, for himself, too. We don't always "get" the answers, or in this case, the child, who may yet arrive. We do, in the process of seeking, find other answers, perhaps those we weren't seeking, but they too, deepen and enlarge us, as your answers made you so much more sensitive to others with problems. For those without any children, they would say, cherish that daughter, and cherish all the gifts that you surely have, and also, the future's not ours to see, as in that old song, Que Sera, what will be, will be.

I am in my mid twenties and still not even married, not even engaged. Since I was a teenager I had always wanted to be married by 25 and that goal can not be reached for me, my 25th birthday is right around the corner, I am not even engaged. I want to feel sorry for you, but the fact that at 26 you are happily married AND have a healthy toddler...sorry, but I can not feel sorry for you, in fact I am a touch bit envious.

Believe it or not, there are people with two, three and more kids who experience secondary infertilty. Some have had miscarriages in between which can also be very painful. One woman became pregnant after changing her diet and losing weight. Another learned relaxation techniques and yoga. One became a teacher and enjoyed other people's kids. Another one adopted/fostered and later became pregnant. Another went for counselling and was better able to accept her situation. We don't know what Hashem's plan is for us. Each child is a blessing but it might not be our mission to have many children. I guess we need to make the best of what we have and pray for ourselves and others.

I too could not have children only, i did not discover that this was true or exactly why until I was long divorced and too old to take on a child. It took me a few years to reconcile myself to the fact that I had wanted what I could not have. I will include you in my prayers.

I cannot offer you any advice, but can simply tell you that I, myself, have had my deepest prayer (not relating to infertility) answered miraculously. Please know that I will be holding you next to my heart and in my prayers. Please make it known when you have another child.

I will daven for you, please daven for me. I'm in a similar situation. R A C H E L BAT M I R I A M S H A Y N D E L

you are in a lucky and privildged position to have brought a life into this world, some of us don't have that privilidge and would give our anything to be a parent. It really upsets myself (and am sure others) when people kvetch about what they have already, think for a moment how it is to mroe than anything want to be a parent but nothing happens, that is my life, and that of one of my best and closest friends. A solution, if you don't wish for the daughter you have, myself and or my friend would love to take care of her and give her teh family she deserves where she will be cherrished and loved, cared for and appriciated for the miriacle she is. You wouldn't find us kvetching like this.

Any kind of infertility is of course, so very painful, as i know, because i suffer from primary fertility - i have not been blessed with any child or even a hint of a pregnancy. What comfort do we have? everything feels empty, mitzvot, davening...i go to shul and suffer anxiety attacks from all the baby bumps and little kids. I try to tell myself that i have a wonderful husband, who loves and cares about me, but -- but its always but. But we still don't have any children, and i pray to G-d for some kind of comfort, anything, and i get pregnant friends showing up at my house unannounced.. (yes they know we've been trying). If that is not some form of emotional torture, i don't know what is. No one has been able to tell me anything other than "we can't understand G-d's plan" and i don't feel any better or comforted.

I too suffered secondary infertility and with no known reason for the infertility, it can be a soul destroying condition and one that causes great anguish, after failed clomid and failed inseminations, going through all the feelings of resentment and anger pain and the myraid of emotions experiences in this nightmare themepark, I looked on with envy at my Rebbetins newborn, quite shocked at my envy I decided to (not suggesting this is a remedy its no) enjoy the cuddles of friends babies, be grateful for the two I have and rejoice in my friends little blessings... years later more trying and after two and a half years, I got my positive, at which time tests were such a source of anguish and disappointment that I only did it at my husbands insistence, I really did not believe the positive and went for a blood test and only after the ultrasound and nausea did I believe I was pregnant. Joined a yahoo group TTC, had a cycle buddy ..a number of them and that was pretty supportive. Hoping your wait will not be long .

I was so touched by your article and your honest portrayal of your pain and how you decided to ultimately deal with your situation. Focusing on the gifts that we already have has also helped me get through the tough times in life. However, I wanted to suggest that you may want to look into acupunture which has been known to help women with fertility problems to conceive. May Hashem bless you!

Have you visited the A TIME forums? Where support, advocacy and concrete services are provided in a helpful and discreet manner. You are definitely not alone.

I have a friend who has been married for over ten years, with no kids. It's impossible to really grasp the pain they must be going through. I hope G-d will bless you and my friend with a healthy child soon.