It's a rainy Saturday night. Aunts and uncles are pouring into my parents' living room, arriving from the five boroughs of New York City for another monthly gathering. Already in pajamas and observing the commotion from a crack in my bedroom door, I see Uncle Leonard and Uncle Herbie in animated conversation. Suddenly, the front door bursts open. In walks Aunt Nettie (Uncle Jack is just a few steps behind). Within seconds, her dripping coat still on, she strides up to her two kid brothers, snatches their eyeglasses and proceeds to clean them with a rumpled tissue, buried moments ago in her pocketbook. Leonard and Herbie keep talking; like me and every other myopic member of the family (that means practically all of us), they're used to this.
That's Aunt Nettie. You might call her the mother hen of the family. But ironically, Aunt Nettie was never a mother. She and Uncle Jack were unable to have children.
Aunt Nettie experienced motherhood by perfecting the role of professional aunt.
Still, Aunt Nettie most certainly experienced motherhood. How? By perfecting the role of professional aunt.
Being a professional aunt means many things, among them: always having a supply of brand new balloons in your purse; never visiting without bringing along some home-made sponge cake; and reading a How I Spent My Summer Vacation essay and pronouncing its author the next Hemingway. But Aunt Nettie had carried the art of professional aunthood to rare heights. I know. I was uplifted by it many a time.
Aunt Nettie came to the rescue for years after I contracted polio back in the 1950's. Week after week, she'd take a two-hour subway trip from Brooklyn to a hospital in Upper Manhattan (Aunt Nettie never learned to drive) to see me. As soon as she entered the children's ward, her hat always askew, she'd get busy devising ways to entice me to eat. Once, she rummaged in her huge shopping bag and pulled out a bunch of seedless grapes. "All right, young lady," she announced. "Let's see how many of these we can stuff into that little mouth. Maybe we can break a record." And she proceeded to cram grapes into my mouth until my cheeks were stretched to the limit. With all the giggling that ensued, I barely noticed that I was getting vital nutrition at the same time.
Then came Aunt Nettie's piece de resistance. She'd rummage once again in her oversized bag and, with a flourish, unwrap mouth-watering lamb chops. At the age of seven, I was too young to know the exorbitant cost of this delicacy. But if I had asked, "Aunt Nettie, aren't lamb chops expensive?", I am sure she would have answered, "Nothing is too extravagant for my niece!"
One did not need to land in the hospital to get this kind of royal treatment. My cousin Mimi remembers that Aunt Nettie appeared on her doorstep (following another two-hour subway trek) every Thursday for the first five years of her life. "Out came her bag of balloons," Mimi recalls. "The four of us would pick out our favorite color and Aunt Nettie would blow each balloon up with great fanfare."
"And what about the smiling rolls?" Mimi's brother Josh adds. "Aunt Nettie would always bring them, fresh from the bakery. And if we started misbehaving, she'd pull one out and say, 'Are you going to turn these smiling rolls into frowns?' Her strategy always worked."
As her nieces and nephews got older, breads and balloons were replaced by more serious fare: most notably, newspaper clippings that might contribute to a term paper. Even though I hadn't written a term paper in decades, Aunt Nettie was still sending me clippings in 2002.
That was Aunt Nettie, a woman who went unsuspectingly to her surprise 50th wedding anniversary celebration when told that she would be attending a party for her youngest nephew. When she got there, she and Uncle Jack found a packed hall of admirers ranging in age from 86 to 18 months. My guess is that Aunt Nettie had been mother to all of them at least once.
During the festivities, and the speeches that interrupted them, it dawned on me that I knew very few specifics about my aunt. I learned that she enrolled in Brooklyn College's evening session at the age of 40; ten years later, she had in hand her bachelor's degree in elementary education. Not content to rest on her laurels, she promptly pursued a master's degree. At 55, when most of her contemporaries were contemplating retirement, Aunt Nettie began her career as a substitute teacher in New York City's public schools. For over 20 years, this professional aunt served as surrogate mother to hundreds of underprivileged children.
I was 36 years old and, like Aunt Nettie, a professional aunt. Like Aunt Nettie, I had to confront childlessness.
I'd always loved Aunt Nettie but I'm ashamed to admit that until that gala anniversary party, I rarely gave her personal life a second thought. But I soaked up all the speeches that night, and the data they contained, as if my life depended on it. You see, it was 1988. I was 36 years old and, like Aunt Nettie, a professional aunt. Like Aunt Nettie, I had to confront childlessness. Doctor after doctor recently had told my husband and me that we could never be parents.
Aunt Nettie became a major preoccupation. I began to wonder, how did she cope with Mother's Day at my age? Did she cry into her pillow, as I often did? Did family gatherings, with siblings' children running amok, break her heart?
If they did, that was her secret. No one could have guessed because her smile was ever present. Embarrassed to broach the subject with Aunt Nettie when she had never alluded to it, I turned to her sisters and brothers for answers. As I should have expected, I was told that she never discussed the matter, she never acknowledged the pain. Instead, as one sibling put it, she immersed herself in other people's pain. And those people, spanning four generations, rarely if ever detected hers.
As an icebreaker, Aunt Nettie often asked youngsters, "So, tell me, what is your favorite prayer?" She'd listen intently to the reply, nodding slowly with lips compressed in concentration. Not surprisingly, she'd always confide in return, "My favorite prayer is Modim anachnu Lach." [We are grateful to You, a portion of the Shmoneh Esrei]. She bore God no grudge. And to prove it, she and Uncle Jack fulfilled the very last of His 613 commandments, one which very few Jews ever accomplish: the writing of a new Torah scroll.
Commissioned in honor of their 50th wedding anniversary, that Torah scroll was ushered into Aunt Nettie and Uncle Jack's synagogue with all the pomp and elation associated with a wedding ceremony. A couple who had never known the joy of escorting a child down the aisle marched along Brooklyn's Avenue J, a chuppah [wedding canopy] overhead, trailed by hundreds of well-wishers. And in Uncle Jack's arms was the Torah that he and Aunt Nettie had brought into existence, the Torah that they loved as if it were their child, the Torah that -- as their child would have been -- was a link to the eternal.
Together with Uncle Jack, Aunt Nettie also donated an ambulance to Israel's Magen David Adom, stating in her innocent optimism that she hoped it would only be used to take pregnant women to the hospital. As she aged, especially after Uncle Jack passed away in 1997, she herself was rushed to the hospital on many occasions. In the last painful months of her life, a young doctor asked her if she was occasionally depressed. "Oh, no, doctor," she replied. "You see, I'm Jewish. I know that everything comes from God."
"Depressed? Oh, no, doctor," she replied. "You see, I'm Jewish. I know that everything comes from God."
Sixteen years have passed since I celebrated Aunt Nettie and Uncle Jack's 50th wedding anniversary, simultaneously choking back tears of identification. Since then, my husband and I, to our doctors' astonishment, have been blessed with two miracle children. They too grew up with Aunt Nettie's weekly visits, replete with her balloons, smiling rolls, sponge cakes, blintzes, newspaper clippings -- and her complimentary eyeglass cleaning service.
In March, Aunt Nettie passed away at the age of 92. There were no children left to mourn her. But during the shiva week, her great-great niece gave birth to a baby girl, who was promptly and proudly named Nechama, Aunt Nettie's Hebrew name.
So as Mother's Day approaches, I salute you, Aunt Nettie. I want you to know how loved you were -- and are. I want you to know that, by cleaning my glasses a thousand times and in thousands of other ways, you've opened my eyes to what true motherhood is.
(34) Anonymous, July 6, 2020 4:50 AM
What an inspiration
What excuse do I have to complain or be less than euphoric when I’ve got such a rich life? Thank you
(33) shira, May 8, 2005 12:00 AM
beautiful
Its so nice to see that this story is on aish again as one of the favorites, its one of my favorites too.
Happy Mothers Day to all mothers reading!
(32) sharon, September 17, 2004 12:00 AM
I loved that story.
Thank you for that wonderful story.
(31) Sandra, June 11, 2004 12:00 AM
God bless Aunt Nettie. Thank you, this article inspires me to be a better aunt and mother. We should learn to treat all little children as if they were our own. Wonderful :-)
(30) Wendy Weiner Runge, May 18, 2004 12:00 AM
Heros in all shapes and headwear
Thank you for your wonderful article. I was blessed to know all of my grandparents, and my Bobie Ann (OBM) just joined my precious Zadie Doctor in the "great gin rummy tournament in Olam Habah" this past February.
Your article reminded me to tell my children about the great joys and pleasures of growing up in a family dominated by women and men from other generations (and some from other planets) who loved us and created us.
Our children are who we teach them to be...by words, actions, and the grace of Hashem.
Thank you, again.
(29) Fred Le Vine, May 15, 2004 12:00 AM
sentiments
The story about Aunt Nettie had me in tears, we needmore Aunt Netties
(28) Judith Friedmann, May 12, 2004 12:00 AM
Sorry for my english.As a child of 21/2 I survived the holocaust saved and being hidden from my aunts uncles and grand mother, I also experienced so much love that I never really missed my parents I was spoiled in every possible way.Yes my aunts and uncles were mammy and tatti for me together with my grandmother.
All my life I will have gratitude for them and I hope I gave them Nachess.
So I can feel how one can love special aunts and uncles.
Thank you for this article
(27) Jenny Richmond, May 12, 2004 12:00 AM
What a beautifully written article. You really described so well how one can become a surrogate mother and leave a lasting legacy even if it is not through one's own biological children. The article was truly inspirational, thank you!
(26) Dr. Solomon Freilich, Rabbi, May 12, 2004 12:00 AM
Dear Chavi,
What at touching article, My Aunt Nettie. As Nettie’s cousin, I could wholeheartedly identify with every sentiment you shared and with your colorful description of her multi-faceted personality. Nettie was very special, very unique and extraordinarily gracious. The warmth that emanated from her kindly and gentle soul was genuine.
I shall always recall with fondness her accumulation of clippings and articles by Rabbis from Synagogue Bulletins with which she favored me with so much elan.
Her unceasing interest in Torah Studies was a lifelong and on-going pursuit. She epitomized the triple values of Ahavat Yisrael, Ahavat Torah and Ahavat Chesed - love of Israel (the Jewish people), love of Torah and love of kindness.
Cousin Shlomie Freilich
(25) Linda G., May 12, 2004 12:00 AM
From the beautiful tribute to her Aunt Nettie, Mrs.Willlig Levy describes a true Jewish Woman of Valor. It is an inspirational story of how the small acts of chesed(kindness) can make the world a more beatiful place. Aunt Nettie teaces us that we must all care for each other.
The author's attention to detail, were a joy to read. Please continue to print her stories that bring both a smile and a tear to my face.
(24) Anonymous, May 12, 2004 12:00 AM
a marvelous story
I was able to relate to Chava Willig's story about her Aunt Nettie both in recalling relatives with whom I had a special relationship as well as the role I play in the lives of my nieces and nephew and several "almost nieces and nephews" - the children of my close friends... I am a single, not yet married woman in my early 40's and I know I have made a difference in the lives of my friends' children with whom I am close.
(23) Laya Goldsmith, May 11, 2004 12:00 AM
aunt nettie
I knew aunt nettie for she was my Aunt Helen's aunt. She was an amazing women. One who I remember always going to shul, shiurim, and always being happy. Aunt Nettie was a special woman.
(22) Arlene Shonek, May 11, 2004 12:00 AM
Chavi, No denying the influence "Aunt Betty" had on you.May she be a meilitz yosher for you your family and klal Yisroel.You are an inspiration to us all. Keep up the good work! Love you.
(21) Pam, May 11, 2004 12:00 AM
What a terrific story! What a great writer!
This is a touching and beautifully written essay. Aunt Nettie must have been a remarkable woman. I happen to be friends with one of her nieces, and can say with absolute certainty that Nettie's joy of life and of giving has lived on.
(20) Char, May 11, 2004 12:00 AM
A Mother's Day Tribute
Reading this article brought tears of joy streaming down my face. You could see the love of G-d at work in Aunt Nettie as well as her observant family. In doing the mitzvot, G-d's light was shining and thank you for sharing this story. Blessings are G-d's gifts to us and she is a blessing and G-d will bless you for sharing her with us. Shalom.
(19) Anonymous, May 11, 2004 12:00 AM
Contemplating motherhood
Thank you for the eloquent tribute to your Aunt Nettie. I married later in life, at a time when most have been blessed with their first grandchildren. Yet, I do hope, with G-d's great help, that I will be a mother. As Aunti Nettie so wisely put it, "Everything comes from G-d." What we do with each circumstance is what we give back. Thank you for sharing Aunt Nettie with us. May we all (actively) learn from her example. Aunt Nettie's loving and creative gestures delighted so many, including this reader.
(18) Alex Talkar, May 10, 2004 12:00 AM
Gem Heart
One important thing we should all learn from Aunt Nettie is that in spite of her own grave problems she had, she believed "Every thing comes from G-d" So much in bondage and trust with All Mighthy. Very inspiring article. Thank you.
(17) Batya Medad, May 10, 2004 12:00 AM
mine, too
I was one of the lucky ones, as we lived in her mother's building in Bayit v'Gan. She spent the year there. It included the 4 months my husband did his basic training in the army, and I was alone with two babies. Without Aunt Nettie and Bubby Willig, I don't know how I would have had survived. I was accepted as one of the family, and I'll always be grateful.
(16) Rochel, May 10, 2004 12:00 AM
Attention paid to an aunt- Bravo
When my mother passed away, I was only 22. I tried to fill a gap left in Aunt Lily's life, but she ended up being a substitute mom to me for 20 years. I miss my late aunt as much as I miss mom.Your memoir struck a fondly remembered note.
(15) Patty, May 9, 2004 12:00 AM
The wonderful Aunt Nettie!
Mrs. Levy's insight into the glory of a special relative was so moving, I had to run and grab a Kleenex in order to continue reading. What a wonderful article. What a wonderful Aunt. What an especially insightful and warm and wonderful niece! Thank you for publishing this fine article.
(14) Marcia Greenwald, May 7, 2004 12:00 AM
I need someonre to wipe my own eyes ...from the tears your writing just caused
May you and your family have nachas and give nachas ... ad meah v' esrim in a world at peace... shabbat shalom!
(13) Anonymous, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
Beautiful article by Chava Levy
Wow! This was so inspiring. As someone who is dealing with infertility, Chava Willig Levy's story is quite inspirational and moving.
Please continue to publish more articles by this talented writer.
(12) Simi Shain, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
What a Touching Article!
We must learn from people like Aunt Nettie by looking at the good we have! Thank you, Chava! You outdid yourself!
(11) David Rosenman, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
Wonderful Article
As her nephew I recognized many of the things mentioned, including the beautiful picture with the sefer Torah which I aso have in my photo album.
Just to show what a small world it is especially here in Israel my sons brother-in-law who works for Magen David Adom in Israel as an ambulance driver has frequently driven the ambulance that
(10) Avigayil, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
Aunt Nettie's (a"h) lessons in emunah and life will be carried on not only by those who knew her but by everyone who reads this article and gains new perspective from it. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into the life of such an extraordinary woman.
(9) Anonymous, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
A touching Mother's Day Memory
What a beautiful story. Having endured years of infertility, and now being blessed with children, I can identify with being the professional aunt. Chava and Aunt Nettie, you are both inspirational.
(8) Allison, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
the few great ones left
First, I would like to say that Aunt Nettie indeeds sounds like a wonderful person and a true Bas Torah. But, I am sad to say that, in my opinion, the number of people with such warm hearts and open minds seem to be dwindling down. It is a shame to see people take for granted what they have and not share it with others, so others may benefit. Hashem certainly blessed her with a very generous heart. If only all of us can learn from this inspirational story.
(7) Roz Friedman, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
How wonderful it is to haae Chavi share her life with us from yet another angle.
(6) Miri Bannett, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
DC! You made me cry...
DC,
I just read it with Imma.
It was beautiful.
It described her perfectly.
Thank you.
Love,
Miri
(5) Anonymous, May 5, 2004 12:00 AM
I was crying when I read this !
(4) Anonymous, May 5, 2004 12:00 AM
Privileged to have known her
I recognized the picture of the lovely woman I often met and spoke with in my neighborhood, although I never knew her name. She was so warm, admiring my children when they were small and inquiring after them after they grew up. She truly was an Ohaiv Yisroel, lover of all Jews, and made people feel very special. So sorry to hear of her passing--but happy to hear that a new little baby is named after this warm, gracious woman. May her memory be blessed.
(3) touched, May 5, 2004 12:00 AM
Thank you (again) Mrs. Levy for giving us the opportunity to peer through the glasses that Aunt Nettie so kindly 'cleaned' for you.
(2) Anonymous, May 5, 2004 12:00 AM
Thank you for writing this article. It is very touching to everyone reading it battling with infertility.
(1) Miriam Liebermann, May 5, 2004 12:00 AM
Chava,you've done it again! I can picture Aunt Nettie in my mind's eye. I believe we all know women like that. What role models they are for us. We all have the capacity to mother and nurture, and there are so many out there who need this mothering desperately. May G-d give us the emotional and physical strength so that we can keep giving of ourselves. There's no such thing as too much love!