I am a mother. I'm just a different kind of mother. I did not give birth to my child. She was not young in age, but was nevertheless someone who needed to be mothered.
My mother and I were inseparable. I chose her clothes, I guided her, I took her to the doctors and hospitals, I made all the decisions just like any parent. When Mama was ill I gave her the "yucky" medicine as she protested the taste. As Mama got sicker, I changed diapers, I fed her and stayed up all night worrying with fear.
There is no such word as "can't".
It is one of the Ten Commandments to honor one's parents. I tried to fulfill this commandment with all of my abilities until the day that my dear mother passed from this world, leaving me a child without a mother and a mother without a child...
When I was a little girl, my Mama got cancer. Even though I was only four years old, I somehow instinctively knew how to take care of her. The cancer did not keep Mama down too much. She had her "sick days" when I tried to tend to all her needs, but she generally took care of us, the cooking, cleaning and running of the household, as if she were in perfectly good health. However, because there were times when she couldn't get out of bed, playing with friends was secondary for me. Though the oncologist had only given my Mama a maximum of six years to live, several more had passed and life seemed stable.
When I was 14, tragedy struck. My father, may he rest in peace, had a sudden heart attack and passed away in less than 12 hours. I made a promise to him when he passed. I told Dad not to worry. I would take care of Mama. My mother was numb. She drowned herself in daily chores. Within two months, Mother ended up in the hospital in the intensive care unit in the exact same room Daddy had passed in. The doctor told me when one spouse passes -- the other often gives up and loses the will to live. I wasn't ready for this.
Mama had instilled many lessons within me. Mind over matter. Where there is a will, there is a way. There is no such word as "can't." God helps those who help themselves. I never knew just how much in life I would come to depend upon those lessons. When Mother came home, she resorted to her rocking chair for comfort, just as she once rocked me. But I was determined to get Mom out of that chair no matter what I had to do. And along with my mothering abilities, I mastered the "Jewish mother guilt" routine perfectly!
Often Mama would slip her hand between the rails of her hospital bed reaching over for my hand.
I pleaded. I begged. Finally all my hard work paid off and I got her up and moving about. There were times that Mama would come out of her room with mismatched clothes, torn stockings, and lipstick that didn't match. I would look at her and say, "Go back to your room and change your clothes. You're not coming out with me looking like that. We may be poor, but we're not paupers." Mother would resist. I stood firm.
I refused to let her sink into depression. We kept fighting and pushing and trying to keep life as normal as possible.
Eventually Mama got to the point where she cared how she looked. She would ask me, "Does my skirt match my blouse? Does my lipstick match?" I refused to let her sink into depression. It became my duty to make sure she was not just physically alive, but emotionally alive as well.
The years passed. Parkinson's Disease, lung disease, strokes, gall bladder disease, and a host of other ailments all wreaked havoc upon Mama's body. But we didn't give up. We kept fighting and pushing and trying to keep life as normal as possible. We lived it up as much as my Mama's body would allow.
I would pack my diaper bag, an extra oxygen tank, put Mom in her wheelchair and we were out the door and off to the circus, the zoo, many lunches. Mother's favorite was a hot corn beef on rye with a kosher dill pickle. When it got to be too exhausting for Mama to get in and out of the car, I invented the "Car Picnic." No biggie -- I opened the sunroof, pulled out the cup holders, and viola.
Since going on a vacation was out of the question, I invented one. I called the oxygen company, packed up the car with everything but the kitchen sink, and within thirty minutes we were at our destination: a three star hotel with an indoor Olympic-sized swimming pool.
I made sure my Mama had the best I could provide. Like any parent of a sick child, I tried to make life as normal and pleasant as possible. No sponge baths. I bought a bath buddy which consisted of a full swivel chair that raised and lowered Mom into the tub. I bought Mom a scooter. I dressed it up with a white fringed awning, a basket in front for our dog Yankul, a horn, and an oxygen basket on back. Totally cool if I do say so myself.
By the end of the day, after I had changed her, fed her and she was ready for bed, I would give her a pint of her favorite ice cream and sit by her side as she would relax, blissfully content. Often Mama would slip her hand between the rails of her hospital bed reaching over for my hand. We would hold hands just smiling at one another. Regardless of her physical pain or her most recent ailment, we were both so happy. All that mattered was that we were together. Mom would tell me she would talk to God every morning and thank Him for allowing her to wake up and she would ask for strength to make it through another day.
Then my Mama had a brain stem stroke. The brain stem controls all the vital functions of the body. Mama was a vegetable and was not expected to live long. But once again, God had other plans. Nothing was going to stop me from caring for her or convince me to give up. After stabilizing Mama in the hospital, she went to the Hebrew Home for rehabilitation. An IV, pick line, feeding tube, oxygen mask, and deep suctioning were now needed twenty-four hours around the clock for Mama's existence. I will never forget the nurse's words when I told her "I'm taking my mother home." She looked at me with a look that defied my very being and said, "I'll believe it when I see it."
I cried my eyes out. What did I know? I was just a lay person. I had no medical training. Just the same, my mothering instinct kicked in and I knew what was best. I indeed took her home, but with not without mixed emotions. I was happy to have my Mama home, but could I rise to the occasion? How would I manage? "God help me to take care of Mama, please. I am so frightened."
"I'm taking my mother home."
Mama gave me gifts only a mother could understand. To love and be loved unconditionally.
Indeed He did. My home was now an ICU. The doctors -- heads of the departments, mind you, would come to my home regularly to treat Mama. One even would turn my home into an operating room -- scrubs and all to adjust Mama's pick line. They were all so dear. Never wanting to charge a penny. For the next two years my sweet mother lived. And not as a vegetable.
Somehow I found the secret and Mama woke up. Not exactly the same, but she knew me. You cannot imagine my joy when she called me Edie. She could even hug me with one arm and kiss me. I was so grateful to have her back. Life was not easy, but oh so well worth it. There were many nights when I deep suctioned in my sleep and I wondered how I did it. I did not do it. I was not alone. It was God who gently guided my hands.
My mother gave me the tools to survive. Listen to your doctors, let your patient be your guide, but always know God will have the final say. She taught me to treasure each moment as if it were a present wrapped with dangling bright bows of satin lace. Mama gave me gifts only a mother could understand. To love and be loved unconditionally.
I cared for her and spent night and day with her until it was her time to leave this world. My Mama brought me into this world. I was by her side when she left it.
Now I see mothers with their children and I ache with emptiness. When a parent asks me if I have children, I tell them my mother was my child and they look at me with questioning eyes. I simply don't know how else to answer. After all, was I not a mother?
(25) Anonymous, May 11, 2015 4:43 PM
Mixed emotions
There is no question that your devotion and love of your mother is praiseworthy and extremely admirable. But I cannot help wondering whether if you had asked a wise Rabbi, he would have encouraged you to put your life first. As much as you enjoyed the relationship with her, it deprived you of a marriage and children. A very high price to pay. I have 3 daughters and were I in your mother's place, I would acept a shorter life to not deprive them of their lives' fulfillment.
(24) Anonymous, June 28, 2013 11:53 PM
Thank you for a very inspiring witnessing story. It has touched my heart!
(23) Anonymous, October 23, 2012 2:11 AM
Beautiful ! Mitzvah!
Your beautiful article was very touching. I recently, lost my mom, I miss her very much. I too can somewhat relate to your article. You do what your heart tells you, and those are memories that you will hold forever. You can put your head on your pillow at night and say....I did everything I could to keep my mom comfortable! That is what, you, have to live with. I was Blessed, with a wonderful mom..who was with me for many years...I celebrate her life, that G-d, allowed me to have her..I consider myself lucky...she will always b in my heart..always and forever ..I believe, that my mom is always with me...RIP..mom...I love you..and one day we will all b together again!
sara, May 11, 2015 4:39 PM
To Anonymous "Beautiful! Mitzvah!"
As I was glued to the computer-screen reading the above endearing, heart-tugging true story by Edith Brown: "My Mother, My Child" I came across your moving comment.
You write, among other things, that: "I believe that my Mom is always with me". I'd like to tell you that you are so absolutely right...
When My dearly beloved Mother a"h passed-on to her 'eternal rest' I could feel a certain comforting spirit by my side. at first I thought that it was my acute sense of imagination but our Rabbi told us (ie my sister/s and myself) that indeed it is true: YOUR MOTHER IS BY YOUR SIDE in a SPIRITUAL WAY!
However, it is now her NESHOME, her hallowed SOUL that is 'standing' by her off-spring...
True, her physical body may respite by her holy-resting place, but her very soul - in fact the major part of her soul, is by her children, as well.
Furthermore, when the physical body is alive in this world it's nutrition is the food that she ingests. However, after leaving behind this physical world, she still need to be 'fed'. How so: you may rightly ask. Pls allow me to explain. Her Neshoma, her SOUL still craves to be fed. [My expression. Sorry if it sounds a bit clumsy]. Now imagine the sheer NACHAS, her SOUL'S delight ! when her offspring do Mitzvos and Ma'asim Tovim. when they perform the Mitzvos and do good deeds.
This, then, is the neshomo/soul's sustenance.
This, then, is her soul's true delight!
(22) Anonymous, September 2, 2011 2:24 AM
beautiful! brought tears to my eyes!
(21) IleneDWolfson, December 6, 2006 2:55 AM
YOU HAVE MADE ME MORE ENDURABLE ,SO I CAN COUNTIOU TO CARE FOR MINE. HAVE A LESSED DAY!!!!
WE ALL HAVE STORIES SOMEWHAT THE SAME , I AM PROUD TO SAY I AM A DOUGHTER AND A MOTHER I FEEL GRATEFUL FOR THE TIME I HAD WITH MY MOTER . AND I LISTEN FOR HER GUIDENACD EACH DAY. TO GUIDE ME THUR THIS LIFE .
THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR WORLD WITH ME , ME AND MY FRIEND BOTH WILL WALK AWAY ALOT STRONGER AND BETTER CARETAKERS.
NOT SO LONLEY,,
HEATHER AND ILENE
BUST BUD FOR LIFE
(20) Trudy, October 23, 2006 1:08 AM
Your article brought me much encouragement.
I am going through the "role reversal " process with my own parents , God bless them , yet they live in a Nursing Home but in same room with beds together. The moments my mother recognizes me are priceless. God bless you Edie. It's a grueling a process but With God's help all things can be done. We are better people for having this experience.
(19) Renata, July 31, 2006 12:00 AM
Deeply inspiring
May G-d bless you for all the wonderful things you did for your mother! What a wonderful mitsvah! You are truly a role model for others. May you only be blesses with simchas from this day forward!
(18) Richard, July 26, 2006 12:00 AM
Absolutely wonderful article I am trying to do the same, with my mother ,this article inspired me so much.
This is a wonderful article, and gained a lot of inspration from reading this article,I don`t look for any rewards. I just want my mother to appreciate what I am doing.She seems not to care or appreciate what I do no matter how hard I work to make her happy. Richard 7/26/2006
(17) James, July 26, 2006 12:00 AM
simple beauty
honor your mother and your father/ she has done so... beauty
(16) Celia L., July 26, 2006 12:00 AM
My mother, my child
Very beautiful article!Deeply inspiring: if every Mom had this kind of care and unconditional love! We could say that indeed Edith saw the heart and soul of her mother as coming from God. God will certainly bless her throughout her life. She will feel his presence at all time! Shalom!
(15) Malki, July 25, 2006 12:00 AM
Inspiring
You really fullfilled the mitzva of Kibbud av vaem to its fullest. And yes, you were a mother!
(14) Marshall, July 25, 2006 12:00 AM
I wish
I wish I had thought of all those creative things after my mom had a stroke. The picnic in the vehicle was just great... I often thought how my mom's role and mine had reversed. In addition to my mom I had three children and no husband to rely on as he left when our lives changed and became burdensome to him. It was hard, but it didn't kill me. It made me stronger. I never felt like my experience made me better, not bitter.
(13) Jani, July 24, 2006 12:00 AM
Wow!
This is one of the best articles I've read because I've learned so much. I think it will help me to be a better person. Thanks!
(12) Anonymous, July 24, 2006 12:00 AM
This was a great article! You are a special person to do what you have done and I hope the Almighty blesses you with many many good things!
(11) Shaul Pillai, July 24, 2006 12:00 AM
Inspiring
Thanks for your article. It was really inspiring. From all the commandments in the Torah, the command to honour our parents is one command that comes with an earthly reward, 'that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God has given you'. You are a shining example for all. I hope when my time comes to look after my parents in their old age, I'll be abel to do it with thanksgiving. Shalom
(10) Anonymous, July 24, 2006 12:00 AM
I'm really not the person to write comments on articles, but this article doesn't let me leave without commending the author for the amazing unselfishness. The beauty of your personality shines through in every sentence. You're story gave me such strength!
(9) Harriet, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
You have earned your place in Gan Eden
Your article brought tears to my eyes. You have truly lived up to the commandment of "Honor your mother and father". You deserve a bright and beautiful future.
(8) Laurie, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
So encouraged by this article
I am my grandmother's "mother" and am often urged to leave her in a nursing home by concerned and well-meaning friends. However, the nursing homes I've had experiences with have done nothing but made a contentious woman out of me! There just is NO SUBSTITUTE for the loving care that our elders deserve at home; those strangers will not and indeed can not honor them or care for them properly because they do not know them in any way except by their infirmities. Bless you for what you've done and for writing about it to encourage the rest of us!!!!!
(7) Kay, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
bless you
Bless you for providing such wonderful care and a good life for your mother. My husband and I have done the same, in turn, for his mother, my mother, and my father, who just died this year. Bless all their memories, for they were put here to help us become what we are.
(6) Louise, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
God put you where he needed you to be
You have helped me deal with my days as the "mother of my child" God blessed you with the love only you can give away and you have, and you continue. You are the daughter every mother dreams of. God is smiling on you.
(5) Anonymous, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
truly heart-warming and heart-wrenching
Should there ever be a question who should be given an"aiyshes chayil" honour, it is Edith Brown. She may not have been a "wife" as is ususally the reason for saying the Aiyshes Chayil but she certainly is a "Woman of Valor".
(4) elaine, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
Thank you
This is a beautiful article and it means a lot to me. I hope to see more articles from Ms. Brown at Aish in the future.
(3) martazimmermann, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
Thank you for being a mother to your mother
There is so much love and strength in the commandement : glorify your father and mother
thank you for your writing, so I could share with you. I remember the time, taking care of my mom
(2) Anonymous, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
Asolutely heroic, kol hakavod. We have so much to learn from you! Long life is the reward for kibud av v'em, May Hashem grant you long life and super recompense.
(1) Pauline Davis, July 23, 2006 12:00 AM
Beautiful story..Thank you!
I was so touched by this story..Truly she did "Honor her Father and Mother", and she is richly blessed because of it, and for the love and care she gave her Mother. Thank you for sharing your story.. My Mother is no longer living...I miss her very much. My sisters and i took care of our Mother on her 97th birthday..I'm so glad that i was able to be with her. My Mama died 3 months later in the arms of her oldest daughter...I was not able to be with her, but God made sure that she would not die alone.. May God bless you,