This should really be entitled, "An Ode to Daddy," because my mother died when I was five and a half years old. Daddy raised me, not remarrying until I myself was married. It was only when I was too tired to play games with my own daughter, or was too busy to sit and have an intense talk with her about what happened to her that day in school, that I suddenly realized, one day, that perhaps Daddy hadn't really wanted to go with me to the amusement park every Sunday and ride the Whip and the Turtle again and again and again. And maybe, just maybe, he really hadn't been so excited to play a game of ball with me outside after coming home from a long day at work. And, hard as it seems to imagine, maybe he really would have preferred going to the grocery store alone so he could quickly get what we needed, without making it into a major outing with me.
But I never knew these things, or even guessed it, while I was growing up.
Finding out all the details of my life, and hearing a play-by-play description of my day at school, playing games both inside and outside, and talking and reading together…well, this was just what a parent did. This was what a parent wanted to do. This was, in fact, what being a parent was all about.
It wasn't until I was living away from home in college that I found out that not every father called his child each day at lunchtime to ask how the morning had gone.
It wasn't until I was living away from home, in college, that I found out, by a chance response from a friend, that not every father called his child each day at lunchtime to ask how the morning had gone. My reaction when my friend mentioned that her father had never called her at lunchtime: "But how did he know how your morning was going?"
Hard to believe, but I asked it in all seriousness. This was my first inkling that not all fathers were as interested as mine in what was going on in their children's lives.
And I never thought to ask if her mother was.
Only rarely did I realize that I was missing a mother. Daddy made me wonderful birthday parties and was always there for me if whenever I needed or wanted anything. The fact that we had no other family living in the vicinity wasn't unusual. None of my friends had large or extended families. Yet it's only now, with my own children, that I realize how good a parent he was, and how hard, and lonely, it might have been for him.
I wish I could be as good a parent. For it truly is not the number of parents in a family that counts, but the quality of their parenting. What matters is teaching a child to be filled with joy and contentment with his or her lot, which almost automatically leads to gratitude. It's inculcating the feeling of not needing what other people have, and not wishing to be anyone else. It's fostering a sense of completeness in oneself, no matter how much better you are trying to be.
That's what a parent can instill, and should instill, in every child. And two parents should be able to instill twice as much. But it will never happen if the parent won't hang up the phone when the child enters the room, if s/he won't realize that an adult conversation can be finished later, but that showing a child you want to spend time with him/her now, is forever. And it won't happen if the parent answers that cell phone while walking down the street with the child - even if s/he thinks that it will only be a two-minute conversation. Watching the bird fly by will be missed, as well as will the funny whatever that you two could have shared. And it will be missed forever. As will those many Shabbos afternoons when the child is "keeping busy" while we take a Shabbos nap.
Mother or father or both - the point is to realize that we only have the first few years of a child's life in which to create our relationship with him, and to form the person that child will end up being. Those business meetings and social charity functions, those conversations with friends and associates, the cleaning and laundry and even the food shopping, all need to be restructured as parenting opportunities. And if it cannot be redesigned, it should be postponed.
Because being a parent cannot be postponed. If it is, the child usually no longer has the time for you, or the interest.
This article is from "The Mother in Our Lives," (Targum/Feldheim) a new anthology of Jewish women's writing edited by Sarah Shapiro
(23) Yael, November 29, 2020 8:05 AM
So beautiful and so true!
wow. brought tears to my eyes. I wish we can all take a tiny bit of this in to our life. The world will become a better place.
(22) Pieter Oosthuysen, June 7, 2016 6:56 AM
Without a Mother
Dear Tzvia
I read your article in 2010, one year after my wife passed away and I did not know how to bring up my children by myself, they were then 5 (Pieter), 6 (Liza) and 7 (Stephan) years old.
I didn't know how to bring up my children by myself, it was like floating around in a small boat on the ocean...... until I saw your words:
...."Because of my father's devoted love, I barely realized that I was missing a mother"....
and that gave me the answer, only my love for them will conquer my challenge...... and today 7 years later all my children are blessed, all doing well at school, all of them well mannered and everywhere I go people always tell me that I have done a great job as a single father...... all I can say is: .........thank you......., your words gave me the inspiration, the foundation and courage to succeed.
God bless you, as through you He blessed my as a parent and He also blessed my three amazing children!!!
Thank you so much!!!!
Pieter
(21) Madu, February 21, 2015 8:38 AM
My father married when I was old enough
I relate to this article in a number of ways. I am a Nigerian and as you would have it in my country, there's a higher rate of a step mom being disconected and hating on her step children. My father had to wait for us all to cross the 20-year-old mark before he decided to remarry. Right now, I see the benefit of that. He tried so much cos if he did remarry earlier, I'd have turned out differently. I think your dad wanted same for you. Thanks Tzvia for this.
(20) Anonymous, March 1, 2012 10:06 AM
motherless daughter
My parents divorced when I was 6, mom left, and we would keep in contact, but she eventually stopped calling or, emailing by then, when i was around 11. Then she went missing, no one knew where she was, her family cant even contact her. My father left the country to go work so I only got to visit him once an year, so I was raised by my grandparents. Eventually my father came back to my life when I was 16 and it was hard at first to all of a sudden have a father again, but your father reminds me a lot of my father. He'd still see me as the little 6 year old he left behind and tried so hard to make up for those last 10 years, that he still babies me to this day. He's really over protective but he's full of compassion and love and I know its hard for him. I've only recently realized how much having my mother abandon me and having my father gone while I was growing up has affected me and my personality and relationships. I take rejection badly, I get attached to people easily and end relationships once anything goes bad in them. I never got in touch with my feminine side until late high school. On a lighter note, from this I've gained a lot of drive and ambition in me. People say that I am a very strong person, and to an extent I believe it as well. I was always mature for my age and always was different from normal girls my age. To this day I still don't know where my mother is and I am now 21. It brings me pain to think about it, and I just really want that closure. To find her and just talk to her is all I really want. Until that happens, I will continue to feel unfulfilled. I just thought I'd share.
Anonymous, October 18, 2012 9:46 PM
Motherless too!
I read your comment and for the 1st time, I feel like someone really understands my pain. My mum also left my dad when I was 6months old and my dad raised by himself. I met my mum later on when I was 12 and she was very ill and soon after died. I feel so lost not having a mother in my life, all my life and being orphaned at a young age. I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I feel and understand your pain.
Anonymous, September 21, 2016 11:55 PM
hugs...
hugs are sent your way from a mother of four. be kind to yourselves. nurture yourselves and one day when you have your own children, God willing, you will nurture them and yourselves at the same time and find healing.
(19) Pawn1345, December 21, 2010 12:44 AM
A fairytale
In my situation.... parents got divorced when I was two, mom left town when I was 4 leaving three kids behind never looking back. Unfortunately like most cases dad usually isn't their either. I eventually went to live with my grandpop, dad kinda just put us on the backburner to his social life. He would always promise to take us places when i was a kid, but would never show or something would always come up. At times growing up i wouldnt see my dad for months when he got a new girlfriend. It's good to hear of someone having a positive experience after a loss of a mother, but most of the time that isnt the case. In my opinion it's worse having them still alive and never paying attention to you and never being there to support you than it is having lost them due to death. It's hard every single day of my life, but its good to see someone turned out right.
(18) maria jesusa, November 2, 2010 12:09 AM
I'm surviving with my Mom's wisdom
Eight years ago my mom was diagnosed of myelogenous lukemia. We are seven in the family, the eldest is 19 and the youngest is 11 months old. My sister came and just called me home. Her silence was unusual that gave me a creep. As we got home she made me a promise not to do anything bad against myself when I find things out. And so time rolled so fast, things happened at an instant. At the funeral, we buried our grief and held hand to face the new chapter of our life. The start wasn’t that easy. The sail was rough and so we had to be tough. We had to live apart with our Dad and a brother in our farm, the youngest with our grandmother, a younger brother with a cousin in the province and the four of us in the city where we attend school. I was 15 then, I have a lot of learning to do. We never spoke of how hard it was during those struggling days. We just can sense that each of us carry the burden in our hearts. Few years after I have graduated from high school earned some awards with a tear or two for my Mom. She promised me she’ll be with me on that graduation day and so I believe she was there. The same year our eldest graduated as a nurse, and so she had to leave for Saudi. Years after my other sister headed for Japan until now. I graduated college with another award I intended for our Dad who stood to be our parent. He maybe imperfect but his principles guided us through. Now we’re sending three of our siblings to school. Our journey may seem easy for others but what mattered most those days were the wisdom our Mother left to us …Her trainings and her roles gave us the courage to stand up. She encouraged us to Live according to standard of Life, to be humble and to have faith...
(17) Anonymous, June 3, 2010 9:24 PM
Thank you
I have recently become a single parent (father) of two beautiful daughters. This atricle reflects how I feel about my girls and the time I spend with them. It gives me some condolance that my children will be fine without their mum, as long as I do what is required. And to the author, my experience so far is that there isn't a situation where i don't want my girls involved. Coming home and playing with them after work, taking them shopping and all the time we have together is so rewarding. I am sure the reason your dad didn't remarry until you were settled was because you were his life, and he wouldn't have had it any other way.
Steve, January 7, 2013 9:24 PM
Thank You response
I wish I knew who you were. I have two daughters [17 and 13]. I lost my wife of 28 years just a couple of months ago. I feel like I am being pushed out of a plane without a parachutte. I wish I could get some senses of those who have gone through this type of tragedy to get some peace. Steve
(16) Anonymous, April 30, 2010 12:20 PM
Living withiut them is just a stepping stone.
My parents both passed away when I was 18 but Ihad young once to take care off which God helped and know we are living more happy, so dear once don't think you are alone God is there for us.
(15) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 10:57 AM
You were blessed
I wish I had been blessed with a father like yours. My mother died when I was born, and I spent a wonderful few year with my grandparents (for which I will be eternally grateful).My father remarried but his new wife developed schizophrenia when my half sister was born, and spent most of her time in and out of hospital. I did my best to bring my sister up, but was left feeling deserted by everyone. My father and sister were close, and he protected her wherever her could as he did not want her to become like her mother. It felt like I was an acessory in the family for much of my life. I wish someone had been there for me, to take interest, support and love me like your father obviously did. Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for my father, I have been left, even now, feeling unwanted and often unloved.
(14) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 5:05 AM
My father left me alone.
It is great to have such a father, when your mother passed away. Thank God, there are good fathers and you are happy. My mother passed away when I was 2 years old, I am the only child and all alone. My father remarried afterwards. I was grown up by relatives of my mother, uncle, aunt until I got 6 years old. I was still a child and I don't remember many things. I saw my father when I got 7 years old. He used to come to see me quite often during the 6 years ,till I got 13 years old. That time I was living in my grandfathers place. I left them my father's side at 13 y.o. since I have never seen my father. He never tried to contact me or ask how I was living since that time. It's been 14 years now, I didn't hear from him, but I know he has his another family and children. What I want to say is that the mothers are precious, even though I haven't had my mom for a long. I had the every possible hardships of the life and I fought alone. I was a boy, thank God, and could stand hard enough for every obstacles. The God gave me the good friends around, who have been supporting me. Without them, I couldn't stand for this life's hardships. That's for sure. When I got above twenty years old, I didn't use to think about my mother and father. I became a man who could support himself. But getting married two years ago, and having my own son. I really miss my parents, and especially my mother.I need her support and nice words to teach me about being a good family and raising a child. My wife turned out to be not matching me ,whom we fought very frequent. Oh, life ... God why did you give me such a hard life? At least, my wife should be supporting me, not always arguing with me. Thanks for the son God, I cannot leave him, divorcing. I don't know what to do. What to expect, but I know if I had a mother ,someone who could say nice words to me I would live on happily. I miss you mother, I forgive you father and I will find you.
(13) Anonymous, June 15, 2008 9:12 PM
MY MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS FIVE AND A HALF ALSO,,,,,
MY WONDERFUL FATHER NEVER REMARRIED,, I DIDNT EVEN FEEL ANY DEEP NEED OF MY MOTHER BECAUSE MY FATHER WAS SO DEVOTED AND ATTENTIVE AND LOVING,,,,,HE LIVED TO SEE MY FIRST 2 SONS,, HE DIED WHEN HE WAS 52 AND I CRIED FOR HIM EVERY NITE IN MY DREAMS,,, MY 3RD SON IS NAMED AFTER HIM,, HE GAVE ME THE GIREAT GIFT OF LIVING EVERY DAY TO ITS VERY FULLEST,, THE GIFT OF LOVING PEOPLE, MY OWN AND OTHERS AND THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE THE LOSS OF MY OLDEST SON AND ENDURE WITHOUT BITTERNESS..BECAUSE OF HIM I RAISED 3 WONDERDFUL BOYS!!!!AND REJOICED IN MY MARRIAGE!!!!,
(12) Embi, June 15, 2008 8:10 PM
I hope your Dad read this
Your Dad was obviously a devoted, family man even if it was not always easy for him. With this article you have given him the naches and acknowledgement every parent dreams of.
(11) ruth housman, June 15, 2008 10:59 AM
Father's Day!
This is a beautiful piece, and so apt that I am reading it today, being Father's Day. Your Dad was special. I hope he did find time for himself, because it sounds like he did so much for you, and usually we all draw strength from other sources by taking care of ourselves. I bet he did.
You sound like a truly great daughter!
Loss of a parent is such a significant event. Sounds like you grew up strong and loving and whatever he did, he did it well!
(10) Anonymous, June 15, 2008 8:29 AM
for aadarsh
sending you a BIG hug. and a world of brachos, for the pain that will heal, and the joy to be lived, in the you that you are.
(9) hannah, June 15, 2008 7:36 AM
I wonder if he saw it that way
I'm sure it was very hard for him at times, but I suspect that you never guessed that it was because he truly loved you, cared about you, and most important, enjoyed being with you. I'm certain that he called every day because he wanted to hear your voice and learn about your morning, not out of some sense of obligation.
(8) michelle, February 3, 2008 5:05 PM
modern life
a beautiful and touching article. It highlights the need for a more nurturing and dedicated parenting society. Today has too many trivial distractions and temptations to lure you away from the simple but ultimately most precious things in life, which is family. I grew up in a violent home, which lead to divorce, and utter devestation of the family unit, which was torn apart, and is still to this day. Its too easy to turn your back on your duty as a parent, but children can't nurture themselves, and if you choose to bring someone into this world, you have a lifelong duty to love and care for them unconditionally. I just wish people would realise this before taking on the responsibilty of becoming a parent. For you should only do it, if you can do it 100%, and put the child and the childs needs first. To do this you must accept that you no longer are a child, that you are a responsible adult, and that you must give your offspring the opportunity to be a child, a carefree child, confident that he/she is loved. For those who haven't received unconditional love, there is hope, and you must learn to love yourself, believe in yourself, and learn from your parents mistake, without blaming. Accept that they are not perfect, and that you will be strong, believe in yourself and that you will not repeat their mistakes. Society needs to change, and to take the focus off materialism, and technology, and to focus on the simple things in life. You cannot be a distant or virtual parent. You must be there for your family, and give hugs regularly.
(7) aadarsh, February 1, 2008 7:10 AM
my life..
your very lucky , unlike me. my father spends more time with my sister and not me,i'm in high school.i feel he doesnt love me like he loves my sister.Me and my sister dont have a mother. i feel insecure without a mother.i feel lonely, no one has even given me a hug in my whole life.i dont know how i'll bare this pain. But this my life,i hope to be a great father and a good husband. but i will never let my son or daughter feel the pain that i felt.
(6) Rachel, May 18, 2006 12:00 AM
Thank You
I don't think fathers get enough credit for picking up and being there when the other parent has passed on. My Mother died when I was 15, and I can't thank my Dad enough for being there for me all the time.
(5) Ilana Ilaide, July 4, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you
I am a single mother by accident and not design. It is sometimes very hard being 2 people for your child - both mother and father and hoping that s/he will not notice the absence of a parent. They usually do in some ways though.
I hope my son thinks as highly of me as you think of your father.
(4) Anonymous, June 24, 2005 12:00 AM
A lot of truth, but, life is just not this way for most.
Every word of this article is beautiful but a tad idealistic. Though I cannot tell it from the article, it would seem to me that, except for the devastation of the loss of her mother, the perfect confluence of everything that could go right went right in her young life. To this I say a hearty Kinahura! Her father is lucky too, because the daughter sounds like an almost perfect child. The daughter is lucky for a multitude of reasons that she beautifully expresses in the article. However, for most families, such a "perfect storm" of events just doesn't occur. For instance, it seems that the child was an only child in a one on one relationship with her dad. Sadly, because of the loss of the mother, the father now has only the daughter to turn to; most men will call their wives to inquire about their day, and not their children. I write all this not to denigrate her beautiful message about making children the only priority, but to say that this author was lucky beyond measure, except for the horrific loss of the mother.
(3) Little Sheep, June 20, 2005 12:00 AM
You have a great father
Your article touched me a lot. You have a great father and he is a gift from God in your life. The gap between my father and me is huge. Maybe we are Chinese, we are not good at expressing love in words. I wish I could expierence fatherly love as you do.
(2) Nancy Schwartz, June 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Dear Ms. Klein,
Thank you for your beautiful article on your Dad. It helped to remind me how hard it is for my niece and nephew that are growing up without their Dad. Your writing reached my heart and helped me to be a better Aunt! Thank you for the article!
Best,
Nancy Schwartz
(1) C. Aranoff, June 20, 2005 12:00 AM
From her writings, I've always admired Tzvia Ehrlich-Klein as a beautiful, caring & sensitive human being. Now I see who is responsible. May her father be blessed with a long and healthy life, to 120, and enjoy much Naches from all of his descendants.