Divorce’s Innocent Victims

We happened to inherit a daughter-in-law who wants especially our son esclusively. We expected life to change, but not for our son and his family to be near strangers. And what did we do?? We lived 16 hours away for several years so rarely saw them. Then we moved so we were only an hour away and still saw them, perhaps even less. The children have been allowed to be with us some...but between our son's long work hours and all the activities she has scheduled for him in off hours, there is simply no time. He seems happy though, so we leave them be. But yes, it is a loss not much different than if there was a divorce. A few months ago, we moved farther away. And may yet move even farther in time...depending upon other family needs. And somehow it will be ok. It has to be. We loved our son's wife and were 100% in favor of their marriage (even paid for a third of the wedding costs, and about 75% of the honeymoon of their choice...) Even gave his wife an equal amount of money to spend for herself for new clothes, as what we gave our daughter marrying about the same time. I have learned that you cannot be kind enough, generous enough, loving enough, etc. in life for some. Nothing you do makes any difference. You see, we finally figured it out...we are not HER family. HER mom wants it that way...and that is how it is. Some things in life cannot be changed. My only regret is that we only had 3 children...if we had had more, maybe these things would hurt a tad less. With time we are adjusting. Filling our life with others. This life is short, fortunately.

but that probably doesn't make you feel any better. Our DIL also rejected us. I naively thought that she would live us as I loved my inlaws. She wants to keep our son only to herself and only her family is "family' and after several years of trying to change that outlook our son has now given up. I learned that you can not do anything to cause someone to love you if she doesn't want to. Everything will be rejected or misjudged or misinterpreted. She will lie to others and maybe to herself. No one can do anything about it. Only G-d. I keep a treasure chest that I fill with birthday cards and little gifts and notes. It helps a little. Thank G-d we have other grandchildren.

The children are still very young if the oldest is about to become 12. Keep up the letters, gifts and outpouring of love. These kids will come back to you when they get older, G-d willing. Remember, young children are naturally very attached to their mothers and won't do anything to endanger that attachment. This is natural. It is also very natural for them to take a keen interest in "the other side of the story" when they reach their late teens. Our son in law had this experience with his 3 children. He didn't give up on them and never said a bad word about their mother. Eventually, they all, literally, came back to him. Good luck and remember everything Hashem does is good. Be grateful for your other grandchildren and look forware to renewing the bond with these.

I am very sorry for your pain, perhaps as your granddaughter gets older you may be able to connect with her in some manner. At 13 she may have a Facebook page, perhaps you could 'friend' her and at least let her know you think of her with love.

This is why Parents-in-law should make it their business to create positive relationships with their in-law children. Think of them with gratitude for marrying your children and entering what may be a culture shock unpon marrying into your family. IT WORKS!!! Your child may not be the jewel you think he or she is in a marriage scenario. You never know what may be going on behind the scenes in their private lives or if Chas V'Shalom something has happened or may happen down the road to dissolve the marriage. If the custodial or remaining parent feels that based on your behavior in the past you may cause difficulties in the fragile household the in-law child is rebuilding, then they have every right to exclude you. Realize that your exclusion may NOT be out of REVENGE but out of a very real sense that the children need a stable environment and that you have proven to be unequal to helping in that goal. If Parents-in-law and Parents-in-law-to-be would start thinking of the long term goal of assisting their children and their spouses in building warm loving homes of Torah instead of thinking about the gimme list they think their children should be getting, the Yomim Tovim that the OTHER side got, etc. you would be seeing less of these negative scenarios. Unfortunately in the frum community we have an epidemic of Mothers of BOYS who keep their sons stunted as BOYS. By the same token we also have Mothers of GIRLS who underrate the values of their daughters in the race to get them married before an imagined expiration date comes around. The Shidduch crisis we hear so much about today does not end when our young ladies make it to the chuppah in the wedding hall but often continues into the Bais Din for a divorce once the new couple realizes they had missed a few BIG things in the Shidduch process.

Wow, what an angry response to a grandmother already hurting. Nothing like blaming the victim.

Reading a story like mrs. Baum's is tearing your heart apart. But did you hear the other side before calling her "the victim"? I don't know mrs. Baum in person so I'm going to talk generally about such cases. And I'm sorry to tell you, Sandra, that generally - the responder (33) is right. People tend to think that divorce is only about the couple, maximum about their children too. But is it? Many times, the in-laws have a GREAT part in the divorce. By not letting their son go and interfering in his life, by making comments, many times vicious comment, about his wife and the way she deals with his/his childrens life, by not letting him and her to decide about their own life, many times all the above but not in a direct way which makes it even more complicated: when the son says "don't interfere in my life" they would say "we didn't say anything" and they actually didn't say it verbaly, but the DID say it in many other ways. And those are just few examples, there are hundreds of them. Sometimes, when time comes and the woman decides that she can't bear it anymore, her only way to make sure that she and her children would get their life back would be to TOTALLY disconnect. In many cases this is the only way to prevent the in-laws - the grandparents - from making the grandchildren turning against their parents. It could be even worse. It could be that the grandparents where abusing parents, and they continue to abuse both their child, his wife and his children. I KNOW SUCH STORY. The only solution in this story was to get far away from the grandparents. In that case, the abusing parents where from the mothers side. The torah says ושפטתם צדק, and one of the parts of making justice is hearing BOTH SIDES. In the story we read above, the mother looks like a monster. You read the story and you just want to hug her and to comfort her. But it could be TOTALY the opposite if you would hear the mother. So PLEASE, don't hurry to judge, because you may be very, VERY wrong.

sometimes a person is loving and giving and the child does not respond due to reasons having nothing to do with the inlaws. i did not know this before i experienced it so i imagine you do not write this way out of the intention to blame. you probably just can not imagine a young jewish woman behaving this way. sadly i know now that it happens.

We did not know our dil's parents and family really...so it is somewhat the culture of their clan, but also I think there is some mental issues at work here....not enough to catch the attention of those outside the family. But enough to make the separation. Then too, since my husband and I are converting, the gulf is widening, for they are Baptists. Not acceptable, we are not ok to them. I realize that what you shared can be the case...parent-in-law can cause troubles too...but we only tried to be supportive and loving. Does not always work. It is because we do feel it best for the children that the marriage survives, that we in no way involve our son in how we feel. We cry privately, but otherwise, try not to let on how we feel. We saw them as a family for a day this year. Saw some of them here and there a couple times. We were gone from the area for most of the year, but we had almost no contact even via email. If it happens to you, you will have better understanding. Nothing like experience when it comes to learning...it is a great teacher. We do care a lot for our dil...we just wish she cared for us. We did not see a problem until the time of the wedding...such is life!!

I completely understand the pain of not being involved in grandchildren's lives. I also was caught in an ugly divorce between my son and daughter-in-law. Seek out support from estrangedgrandparents.com Though they may not have a solution, know that this is more common than people would be led to believe. Its just that in the Jewish culture, there is such an emphasis on becoming a grandparent.

RATHER THEN EAT YOUR HEART OUT ABOUT THESE TWO GRANDCHILDREN, FOCUS ON THE ONES YOU ARE CONNECTED WITH. PUT MONEY ASIDE FOR THE OTHER TWO, AND MOVE ON. NOTHING WILL BE GAINED BY YOU GETTING ILL OVER THIS.

The Yetzer Harah seeks destruction and heartbreak. My situation is different, but the resulting estrangement is no less painful. When family members seek to connect, to reach out, to acknowledge their hurtful behavior, to build bridges, to engage with kind words, the Yetzer Harah does not stand a chance.

I have only been divorced 7 years in which my X has done his job well. My daughter "blessed me" witha grandson. He happened to be born one week before Shavuot. The bris was on the first day of Shavuot. I was not invited because it was to be at my X's home (my old home) and I am not welcomed. I also decided not to fly acorss the country only to be denied acces. I have suffered a lot of transgresions from my children incited by this devil. I don't know that I will be at his Bar- Mitzvah, since it's going to be on Yom Tov again (always!) Unless my daughter will be able to comfront her father and say the words" I WANT MY MOTHER HERE! I have yet to see. I feel awful for all the grandparents who are not invited or allowed to see their grand-children. We grow up dreaming about them. It is very hard, but I have moved across the country, quite far away, The distance has helped me let go. It was not easy and very painful. My children are all adults, and they have to do their soul searching and heal. I cannot do it for them. I live in peace and I have found happiness again in my life. Baruch Hashem! I wish it to all of you!

She is fortunate that her granddaughter is having a Bat Mitzvah at all, that her son didn't marry a shiksa who may have agreed before marriage to raise the children Jewish, but now that she's no longer is married to a Jew has reverted to her non-Jewish lifestyle, including how she's raising the kids.

I was so sorry to learn of your family situation. The children are only hearing one side of their family story. I would encourage you to keep a journal, a diary of what you would say to them, your thoughts feelings and values. Then, possibly your son can pass this onto them at a later date. They need this lesson. I wish you a loving community to deal with such heartache.

I totally understand the struggles of this grandmother. It is a constant concern for me to share my limitted time with my son with my parents. He sees his other grandparents virtually every day, more often then he sees me (his father). Yesterday, when I told him that he will get to spend the day with my parents, he jumped for joy. He rushed to the car and told me to take him there as fast as possible. I'm very lucky that I get more time with my son than the typical father, that I can even share some of it with my parents. The flip side, it cost me $40,000 of money from the divorce settlement. Nobody, none of the many rabonim or organizations that will jump to insure women receive their gittin, thought there was anything wrong with the fact that my ex was using my son (and to some degree, continues to do so) to extort money from me so that I can have a relationship with my son. Isn't it time that we listened to the cries of the fathers and grandparents, and did what was best for the children -- give them access to both parents? Even if this means being politically incorrect and standing up to the feminist lobby?

I am sorry that you were estranged from your grandchildren. This happens to a lot of grandparents, but it isn't always the fault of the custodial parent. Some grandparents are victims of their own behavior. As my marriage was breaking apart, my ex-mother in law menaced to have the children taken away from me if I dared divorce her son. The result was that, not only the divorce went through, but I demanded and obtained sole custody of the children, and then moved clear across the continent. Because, she was denied unsupervised access to her grandchildren, my ex's mother claims to this day that her grandchildren were "stolen" from her, but she was welcome to visit the children, just not allowed to do so without my supervision, for their protection and my peace of mind. The grandparents (all 4) were always invited for Birthdays, Bnei Mitzva, Graduation, etc. That she chose not to show up because I was present, is her problem, not mine. I never criticized her to the children. They are now grown and in control of their own relationship with their father's family and, while they do speak to her, they aren't very close to their paternal grandmother.

Life I've learned is not always fair. and sometimes it takes years for the truth to come out...I was married over 30 years before going through a divorce. Pornography ripped my marriage to shreds. then adultery I tried to get my husband help from my in-laws. They refused to believe they're innocent son was so deeply involved in such matters. My husband had his final affair, got on drugs, committed physical violence on me and the kids, but it wasn't reported. and finally wanted out. We went through an ugly divorce which put the younger kids and I in a D.V. shelter a few years..I am the custodial parent, my family lives over 1,500 miles away, his lives close and they try to influence the kids every chance they get., Even though he gets the kids 4 days out of the month his family appears to be winning. They fill my children's heads with rubble. I am the bad guy because I said my husband did things they don't like. Since I have not been out of state in over 7/8 years my kids being under around adolescence they don't remember much.., my estranged husband's family influence the younger kids the most. It's so sad, some of his family has come to me in private saying I know you're speaking the truth but we just can't speak out lest we be banished. So I don't see my nieces or nephews, their children, ect on his side that I love, who are just as precious as my grandchildren. I've been cut off from everyone in my husband's side here in town. Then my two older sons who have children stay away from their dad who is so unhealthy, I have them and my younger children here. Sometimes things aren't as they appear on the surface. Maybe the daughter in law knows something about her ex that is so unhealthy for her children, like mine, and had to move away. I wish G-d would grant me sole custody to my younger children so they wouldn't have the bad influence. My motto,"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" I'll be praying for this lost world

My heart goes out to these "omitted" and forgotten grandparents! The former daughter-in-law is selfish and carrying a grudge where none should exist, but she isn't the first person to lock out a grandparent longing for a relationship with grandchildren that are still their grandchildren and always will be!! Recently, a friend who went through this same heartache passed away - and in all the finality of that, the "missing" grandson, who had been kept at arm's length by a bitter former daughter-in-law, never did see his grandmother again to offer even a semblance of love and gratitude for her very existence!

These problems are not exclusive to divorce. I was widowed a number of years ago with younger children. My Husband had a difficult relationship with his Father and stepmother (his Mom died when he was young). My Father-in-law unfortunately did little to consider the needs of his children when he decided to remarry. When my Husband died my Father-in-law's behavior to me and the children was less than helpful to say the least. He had always been unkind to me, but his insensitive behavior to my children, who were in enough pain, was something that made the prospect of a close relationship impossible. In my position I needed all the help I could get, and I had no choice but to put these people at arm’s length as the byproduct of their inability to deal with pain was to torment my children. My Husband’s family has chosen to tell anyone who will listen, what a terrible person I am and have even said something to that effect to my daughter. As I have met more single moms, I can tell you that most would appreciate having as much support as possible but some Grandparents through their less than “grand” behavior create situations that threaten the fragile stability that their grandchildren desperately need in single parent homes. Grandparents have to remember that a child’s relationship with the parents has to come first. That is what creates the main component of their stability. A little soul searching to ask yourself why you want a closer relationship may be in order. Is it for you? or the kids? As painful as it may be to you, the kids have to come first. If you truly love them then you will either choose to do your best to heal the rift and be supportive in the way the custodial parent needs you to be or if that’s not possible you will stand aside with grace. Please remember having grandchildren makes you no more of a Grandparent than having a piano makes you a concert pianist.

When I divorced my husband, in spite of the terrible situation I was in I called my mother-in-law to assure her that the children would always be her grandchildren, and that I wanted to keep the contact open. She tore into me with a ferocity I remember to this day (this was over 15 years ago) and cut me off like a dog. The children eventually made their own relationship with her but it still hurts and I haven't been able to forgive her.

My heart goes out to the Grandmother in this sad story. The children are the victims as well. My case was quite different. Immediately following the divorce, it came out that my former husband had abused my children. The courts took away all rights of visitation. I tried to maintain contact with the children's paternal Grandparents. Until my daughter was bat mitzvah, all was fine. Because she did not want her father there, and he would have been arrested had he entered our state again, he was not invited. We never heard from one member of his family again. It has been over 20 years. There is much pain when children are victimized. Why his family had to add to their pain, I will never understand.

As a child of an early divorce, I was about 1 year old when my parents seperated, I have mixed emotions when reading this. I was never kept from my father's family, but they rarely reached out to me either. Now, at age 20, I have learned which ones are worth the effort to have a relationship with and which are not. It took time, but I have learned through my own experience and stories repeated to me who cares for me. In time, extended family members will be able to contact their estranged "divorce victims" through Facebook, email, or their own phone line. Until then, all that matters if tat you make the effort.

I'm happily remarried. I call me current wife my "Woman of Valor" and every day we kiss and tell each other we love one another . My ex-wife is also remarried. Although my ex and I divorced 11 years ago, both of us still are role models for our children. My current wife and I just celebrated my birthday with my 4 children, including my son's girlfriend and their baby. My stepdaughter still calls me "dad". All 4 children gave me wonderful letters, which are included in the book of photographs they gave me. Also, they thanked me for helping them prepare for their b'nai mitvoth.

Life seems to have these frayed and torn seams and it takes a mighty good tailor or seamstress to repair the stress if divorce such as this. And so I ask when so much love is being expressed in distress the eternal why. I think we are all in individual and collective ways being taken through the fire. Fire both razes and raises. Is it sensitivity that is being forged here? We need you. We need all the sensitivity of love we can get to heal this troubled world. I think they will learn about love and this too is part of the fire that forges them ie grandparents who will never forge t.

I symphasize with you. My daughter-in-law wanted a divorce for trumped up reasons and lies upon lies upon lies and "lashon harah" 5 years ago, and the Bet Din in Jerusalem in a one-sided decision (not having heard anyone from our side except the lawyer who doesn't know all the facts) ruled our son has to give a "get", which he hasn't. Well, it's now several years later, and we haven't seen our grandchildren for 4 years. They live 1-1/2 hours from us here in Israel. We were not invited to the Bar Mitzvah of a grandson nor the Bat Mitzvah of a granddaughter nor any of their graduations. The first year I sent birthday cards with a gift and called each one of the 5 children, and we were never thanked for them, and the last call to our 8-year old (then) granddaughter I was told on the phone she didn't want to talk to me and hung up with her mother's approval in the background. The other grandparents cut us off for no reason, etc., etc., etc. If I will ever run into any of them or they ever return to being our grandchildren is Hashem's decision. So I know how you feel.

I am writing again as I cannot understand how any mother can do this to her ownchildren. I feel even more because my own granddaughter will be having her Bat Mitzvah soon and the whole family is so excited and happy about it. I cannot imagine what I would go through if |I were not at this Life Cycle event. So to you, ex daughter-in -law, I say pleae, please don't do this to your children. You are robbing them of a very precious gift of love only a grandparent can give. Yes the chidren have other grandparents too and thank G-D for that but every grandparent has something different to offer, so please let bubbie attend this event. As a human being and a mother I am sure you do have a spark of kindness in your heart. If you have been hurt by their father I can quite understand your feelings but please don't make the children pay for it.PLEASE !!!

My mother-in-law never forgave me for marrying her son (his Dad had died many years before). She tried to make my life a misery and had little interest in my 2 sons. When she decided that she wanted more contact they refused to speak to her. Then she complained to my hubby who had no interest in what she wanted as he was furious of her previous behaviour. My suggestion would be to find an impartial third party to talk to the mother once any divorce starts, either your rabbi or her rabbi would be a good person to talk to. In fact, it is still not too late for the person in this article to try and, I hope, successfully. When children grow up they often want to find out about their missing parent and I hope that includes grandparents.

Excellent advice. I would advise bubbie to go a step further if nothing works. Find out where the Bat Mitzvah is taking place and if at a Shul, she is entitled to attend Shabbat Service and so will be able to see her granddaughter do her bit.

I'm sorry for your pain but I maddened by your title. The only innocent victims of divorce are the children who are just that, children.. They have no choices, no say, no voice. Their chikdhood has been abruptly and rudely stopped. The pain is a neverending and for many a legacy they hand over to their children. Divoce is a wound that never heals for its true innocent victims. Yes perhaps you are innocent but a victim? Your pain is a mere drop in the ocean compared to what little children go through.

you are so very very wrong and obviously have been through something bitter in your life, that you are only able to see your own pain. the parent of a child who choses, who is forced or who must divorce is the combined pain of being the parent, feeling the pain of his/her child and also feeling the pain of his/her grandchildren. it is the pain of incredible guilt and helplessness as you watch your child's and grandchildren's lives be torn apart. i am sorry, but your are wrong wrong wrong and to say that a grandparent is not a victim and has "choices" in a divorce is naive and selfish. may the author have a nechama, a happy ending to this tragedy that befell her family and very much herself.

Claire, you are soooooooo terribly wrong. There are many faces of "victim". Yes kids surely are, esp. in this case but at the moment they are not aware so are not hurting. Its the grandmother who is hurting and lets get the dear lady some relief if only to let her know that she has people who feel her pain.

While I feel for your pain, I can't help but believe there is more to this story than is being revealed here. Specifically, I am wondering what role you played if any during the marriage and subsequent divorce. Specifically, what was your relationship with your former daughter in law? Were you loving and supportive toward her during the years she was married to your son? I am guessing you were not. I am guessing there was tension. That being said, I am not surprised that she would "rebuff" your efforts to see the grand kids once the marriage had ended.

You may find this hard to believe, but my daughter in law and I had a very good relationship when she was married to my son.When they lived in the same city, they were often at our house and when they moved out of town, we visited and were treated with respect and honor. It was only after the divorce that the intense anger and hurt came through. So your 'guesses' are quite of the mark.

As a child of divorce, I know this to be very true. There are always two sides to the story.

It's truly sad to read about this grandmother's sorrow -and very little can ease the pain, unfortunately. The resentment against the daughter-n-law is there, but the resentment only hurts the person holding it - not the person for whom it's intended. I had LOTS of resentment towards my ex-husband, which only hurt me. I attempted to make peace with those feelings, but it took a long time - 7 years. Now I again have resentment towards him - how he favors his 2nd family. Well, he watched them grow up - and he got out of his first family and didn't see them grow up. But I have to accept that - and perhaps that will bring healing. Perhaps............

As a grandparent, I understand your feeling of love for your grandchildren, regardless of what happened between their parents. Make every effort to isolate yourself from the family dispute and insist on your rights are a loving grandparent. You are not responsible for the actions of your child, who is one the parents of your grandchildren. Good luck, and DON'T GIVE UP TRYING. Go there, make your presence known to them. Sending presents is not the way to do it. GO!! Don't give up. Don't disappear from their lives or let them disappear from yours! GO THERE, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE!! RMM

I sympathize with this Grandmother, we suffer the same circumstances. My grandchildren are older teenagers now and we are strangers. The pain NEVER goes away !!!

Several months ago, a colleague and friend of mine and I did a joint presentation in regard to divorce. He, a rabbi and lawyer with a specialty in mediation, talked about the legal and religious aspects of seeking a civil divorce and "get". I, as a psychotherapist, addressed the best ways to see the children through the process and aftermath. During the presentation, he reminded me of something I had said many years before. Once, when he asked me why people choose traditional divorce proceedings rather than mediation, which is both much less costly and much less painful, I offered, "because they don't want less costly and less painful, they want revenge". This evaluation was arrived at through professional and personal experiences with family and friends. And, unfortunately, grandparents and other family members, even though often innocent bystanders, are seen as part and parcel and representative of the "other" and are treated with the same amount of enmity and vitriol. And, by the way, it can just as easily stem from them toward the spouse divorced from their son or daughter. In most situations, from whichever direction the vitriol is coming, what is best for the children is not a consideration. This is not just sad - but an extreme tragedy.

When I was left alone to raise my son without a job, without any money, not a dime ever from his father, his family who had lots of money, (which I didn't ever ask a dime from) came over and recollected the only things left in our little apartment from my son's father (a set of encyclopedias'). This happened in the late seventies. I have since grown alot and went through very difficult times. I never heard from my son's father or his parents once . I never forgot how callous and cold hearted some people could be. I have forgiven them. But I cannot forget how cruel these people were. I was a sixteen year old mother, I went back to school and worked and supported my son and myself completely on my own. (If you knew all the details concerning this situation you would be appalled). I have often been severely misjudged as a single young unwed mother. Yet, I took my responsibilities and overcame a whole lot on my own. Those hardships have both molded me and marked me in various ways. Thank Haschem that He was there to watch over us. Blessings & Shalom

My story is the reverse of this, but I want to tell it to give encouragement and positive energy in light of a terrible crisis in Klal Israel. A few years ago, my husband and I were having problems. I wanted a divorce and asked him to leave. His parents begged me to rethink, but my parents supported my decision to leave and shared my anger--however, they could not share my frustration because they didn't know the whole story from both sides. The best friends a person could ever have intervened and validated my frustrations, while begging me to rethink and try therapy for a second time (I asked him to leave after our first therapy round didn't work and he was in denial that we were having problems and needed to try again). I cried and vented to these tzadikkim at all hours of the day and night for three weeks before finally considering therapy. They had already gotten my husband to agree to go, and he actually had not wanted the divorce and wanted to try again after I left. It's sad it came to that, but sometimes Hashem has to tear the building down to rebuild something bigger and more beautiful and sturdy. This all happened right before my third anniversary. BH we just celebrated our sixth anniversary and have an 18 month old precious gem who the world would never have known if our friends hadn't encouraged and devoted themselves to us. In addition, I am pursuing a career in psychology now to try to help other families in the same position. Most of the time, divorces occur because of poor communication and anger--problems that take work, but can be solved with the right help. Who knows how many children like my baby could have been born but never will because of divorces that could have been avoided. In a divorce, nobody wins--EVERYBODY loses, and this does not just include the children and parents as the author of this article conveys. Think about it carefully.

I am a product of a divorced home. I also had to deal with the emotional abuse and the restrictions placed on my father to see his kids. Now at age 39 I am a divorced woman of 3. I encourage my ex to spend alot more time with his kids, but to no avail. One thing that I have learned though is that children become of age and will question certain things that a young child will not. Secondly you need to persevere. When your children and grandchildren start questioning - they want to see the proof that you faught tooth and nail for your kids.

for not siding with the right parent. I chose to bring them back in my life because I realized that what they had done was out of pain that their son could be an abuser. The relationship was never the same though.

I'm the first wife of a man who left me to take care of his kids while he "moved on" to "be happy." His mother wrote to tell me that she wasn't going to take sides. His father, who knew about lady #2, just forgot about me. They kept in contact with their grandchildren but I was an inconvenience. Neither of these people ever asked once how I was doing, whether I needed assistance...nothing. They knew that the entire financial and emotional burden of raising their grandchildren was on me but were basically happy to forget that I existed. I don't blame them for their son's behavior but I do think that they might have made more of an effort to show any amount of appreciation for the parent who was actually raising their grandchildren.

I totally agree with you, Linda; my ex in-laws lied to the judge about my spouse's income; lied when they said they paid for our bills; since the separation and divorce; not once asked how I as a single mother who has to work and do everything for the three boys by myself, ask how I am doing and if I neednany help. They r quick forget about parent raising them, but not quick about telling "their side of the story"; when it was their son who gambled and drank and womanizer and destroyed my as well as my children's lives. But swear; I still see Hashem's hand; we will be more than fine; which is more than I can say for them! Really, all my inlaws knew who my spouse is and still choose not to speak with me bec he is family; then sorry; don't come back later and whine that you don't get to see the kids!

Look not to the right or left, but straight ahead. go on with your life and invest your life into your children. Their presence in your life and in years to come, your presence in theirs, will be remembered. Fathers who leave wives may or may not have good reason. But fathers who leave children have NO reason for leaving them.. They may be remembered, but not as they would like. Such fathers heap disgrace upon themselves that can never be erased.

As tragic as this sounds, I am a divorcee, there are always two sides to every story and admittedly, there are some vicious and malicious parents, out there, who will, withold their children from extended family members, however, there are instances where extended family conduct, is so, toxic, disengagement is the solution to protect children. I would suggest that the author of this article try and bridge the gap with the mother, while your grandchildren may very well return someday, there is nothing that can create the bond unless there is consistent caring, this is what children depend on TRUST .... it means more than the material gifts which only make one feel like a sponsered child.

My heart aches for you. Yes I understand you are hurting and will continue to hurt for a long time, but I can assure you by keeping a positive attitude and praying , things will turn around. Your grandchildren will begin to see their mother's attitude is destructive and harmful. She is robbing them of special kind of love and affection which only at grandparent can give.I have seen this happen plenty of times and in all cases , children begin to realize this and in your case,just wait till they are around 16 or so and they will want to know you inspite of what their mother says or does. They will want to find out for themselves. In the meantime,may G-D grant you endurance and peace. If the daughter-in-law is reading this, be assured that this will all come back to haunt you.Remember, you will be a bubbie too one day, so please put yourself in your mother-in-law's shoes, if you are capable of any feelings.

Very well said......and so very true!!! Your son & daughter divorced......it's ashame you were on that list too!! Grandparents are priceless.......I hope as you said that you get nachos from your other gradkids, albeit that doesnt take the pain away!! Keep at it, one day your gradkids may surprise you!!

I read your story with tears in my eyes. I was once the divorced daughter-in-law who was determined to make sure my children never lost touch with the family from the "other side". I wrote letters and sent pictures. Some of the letters were never answered and some of them came back torn in half and unopened. At that point we gave up, yes my children lost out on their father's family, and to this day nearly 25 years later there is still not contact. Daven and my Hashem help you regain the contact that is so important to our children, even if they themselves do not realise it. Send her her bat mitzva gift with lots of love and brachot and may Hashem help you all regain your loving relationship.

I am a Mother going through a similar situation. I have not seen my child in over 4 years. This is so heartbreaking. Through this ; I have truly learned the meaning of unconditional love. I have learned what it is to love selflessly; with only the thought of " what is best for my child@ this point in time. Fortunatly; I have always had full custody of my child and have always had a very strong and loving relationship with my child.I am very sorry you were denied all access to your grandchildren. As a single Mother; I know it is not easy to continue relationships after a divorce; but it is so worth it and important for the child' s emotional development . I am sure your grandchildren have been denied alot of love and happiness by not being able to see you. Hopefully ; that will change with time.