The metal frame of our back door screeches in protest as my seven-year-old yanks it open. I tear my gaze away from the computer monitor. My six-year-old, Eli, looks up from the puzzle he’s absorbed in.
“Mommy, look!” Mordy bursts into the room, his face smudged and his kippah dusty from a long day at school. He’s waving a bright blue piece of paper, which turns out to be an invitation to his class’s celebration upon completion of the Book of Genesis.
“Wow, Mordy, that’s so exciting! I’m so happy for you!” I give him a hug.
“Mommy, can we bake cookies for my party?” he asks, dancing around the room.
“Sure, Mordy. Let me just call your teacher to be sure that’s what he wants.”
Fast forward three hours. Dinner is over, and I’m wiping crumbs off the tablecloth. Eli splashes happily in the bathtub. Mordy is conspicuously quiet.
I find him lying on his bed, gaze fixed on the ceiling, ignoring the pile of library books nearby.
I cross the toy-strewn carpet to sit down next to him. “Is everything okay, Mordy?”
“I’m sad,” he tells me.
“You’re sad? But wasn’t today a happy day for you, because you’re finishing the book of Bereishit?”
“I’m sad because Daddy’s not going to be at my party, and all the other fathers will be.”
Rubbing his back I say, “I’m sorry, Mordy. I know it’s hard for you. I wish things were different.”
My son hasn’t seen his daddy for over two and half years. This is not for lack of trying on my part. Although we live on different continents, Mordy and Eli are supposed to visit their father twice a year, and talk to him on the phone twice a week. In actuality, they’ve seen him only once since the divorce happened, three years ago, and have not talked to him on the phone in over two years.
Today, when all the kids in his class attend father-son learning programs, Mordy reviews what he learned either with me or with my father. When the other kids come to their school’s Sukkot celebration with their fathers, Mordy and Eli arrive alone and dance with their teachers (who fortunately remember to look out for them) and their friends, and occasionally their friends’ fathers. At Mordy’s alef-bet party, which culminated in the kids dancing on their fathers’ shoulders, my father managed, through superhuman effort, to get Mordy onto his aging grandpa shoulders and dance for five minutes, and then told me afterwards that one of my brothers had to come along next year for Eli’s performance, because Zeidy’s back couldn’t handle it a second time.
Different kids react to adversity in different ways. Eli, the younger and more easygoing brother, takes everything in stride, while Mordy takes everything to heart. He copes by drawing endless pictures of himself with his daddy, writing on the top of each page, in his loopy seven-year-old handwriting, “Mordy reelly reelly misses Daddy.” He made a birthday card for Daddy, which is still sitting on my desk two weeks later because Daddy has moved to a new city and we don’t have his address.
I try to encourage him by telling him that chances are, he will one day see Daddy again, even though we don’t know when. I tell him that Daddy still loves him, even if he doesn’t show it right now. I tell him that not always do fathers know what to do with their feelings, and sometimes fathers think that the best way to deal with difficult feelings are to ignore them, even though we, Mordy and I, both know that’s not true. We know that it really would be better for Mordy and Daddy both (and let’s not forget Eli) if Daddy would allow himself to be drawn into a relationship with these two lovable boys, and allow them to visit him again, and answer the phone when they call him.
But Daddy won’t, and we can’t change that. So right now, we just hope. We hope for the best, and we don’t anticipate any great changes in the future.
I tell him that he’s a very precious boy and one day he’ll see how much his daddy loves him.
In the meantime, I tell Mordy to pray, because prayer can change everything in the blink of an eye. I tell Mordy that miracles do happen, and one day he may yet see his dreams come true. I tell him that he’s a very special boy, a very precious boy, and one day he’ll see how much his daddy loves him.
We’re taught not to hope for miracles. It’s too hard on psyche, and too unfair for little boys to live that way. But we can anticipate the future, the day when the hearts of the fathers will return to their sons, and the hearts of the sons to their fathers. Because one day, my boys will be reunited with their Father, and He will tell them how much He loved them through all the suffering they underwent.
We can’t count on their flesh-and-blood father. But their Father in Heaven is always there for them, as evidenced by all the good He does for us, in giving us a roof over our heads and a loving family nearby, and in giving Mordy and Eli only good memories of their father instead of, God forbid, the opposite. And we pray to Him that things should improve, slowly but surely, so that Mordy and Eli can one day have a daddy again.
As the prophet says, “[Elijah] will return the hearts of the fathers to the sons.” May it happen soon, in our days.
(18) Adeola, June 21, 2015 6:35 PM
Happy Father's Day
Amen.
(17) Anonymous, February 3, 2011 7:56 PM
Dear Tehilla, You are a true inspiration! I am sure that Hashem sees all of the efforts you are putting in. You should have much nachas from your sons.
(16) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 11:02 PM
Be proud of yourself
I'm just wondering whether there are any other children you know of also in single-parent families, or if there is a local support group where you could meet some, so your boys feel that there are other children like them. It's very easy to feel like we are on the fringes of society, but there are plenty of single parent families out there. Remember, also, that you never know what goes on in a family behind closed doors and there are many deeply dysfunctional two-parent families that you would never think to look at. You're a loving mother providing your sons with a stable home, the rest is out of your hands. I'm also a single parent in a similar situation and I feel very strongly that we should look at what we are doing with pride and not shame.
(15) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 2:53 PM
daughters
But how about moms who remarry and whose new husband refuses visitation by the biologic dad.
(14) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 2:51 PM
I was very upset by this account and the struggles you and your young family are going through. I honestly think you should re-marry the loveliest man who crosses your path.
(13) Anonymous, January 31, 2011 3:42 AM
Living Continents Apart
You mentioned living continents apart but did not mention whether you moved away from your ex-husband or vice-versa. There's a big difference. ED: The husband moved away.
(12) tzirel, January 30, 2011 9:19 PM
Yahar Kochayh
I hope Hashem blesses you with all that is good. You really deserve it. You dont sound bitter and you are raising your sons so well. I tip my hat to you.
(11) Anonymous, January 30, 2011 9:16 PM
Father is heartless
Here is a father taking his divorce out on his two young boys and I am dying to see my son who I haven't seen in 41 months. Yes we talk on the phone but I want to hug and kiss him again. I Love and Miss Him So. My heart breaks a little more everyday. I live in a different state than him and his mother but that is what they make planes for.
(10) MH8169, January 30, 2011 8:58 PM
Fathers
It is very unfortunate that the father of these two lovely boys is non-existant. It is painful to read that the man that is called father is not present. These boys when grown may not want a relationship with this man. His anger and hurt over his divorce is not the fault of these boys. I hope and pray for Tehilla's continuous strength and may Hashem continually bless her and her children.
(9) Anonymous, January 30, 2011 8:54 PM
divorce
I realize there is a whole story of which I am unaware, but I would innocently suggest something. Is it possible to move to the town where the father lives? I realize that would require humility beyond belief, but you sound like the type of mother that would do what ever it takes.
(8) benyahuda, January 30, 2011 7:36 PM
This hurts
My wife and I divorced when our two children were 8 and 5. She did everything she could to frighten and alienate our children from and of me. One of my clearest and most potent memories of them was one Sunday morning I arrived yo pick them up to take them fishing (they both loved fishing, not catching, fishing) right in front of me she managed to convince my son (the younger child) that he would drown if he went. That was the last time I saw him. After hearing his screams and wails I left and never came back. I still see my daughter occasionally, but our closeness was destroyed by my wifes strange and toxic behavior. Today my son is in prison. He was sent there at the age of 19. I do have a wonderful granddaughter from my unmarried daughter when she was just 16. I am taking this article all wrong. It is about 2 wonderful children with a living mother who wishes the best for them and her ex. this has nothing to do with my ex and her toxic ways, but it brings back terrible memories for me. I too pray the day comes when her ex-husband comes to realize the wonder and promise of these two children.
(7) Anonymous, January 30, 2011 7:32 PM
Daughters suffer as well...
Unfortunately, my grandaughter suffers the same scenario --- her father has "written her off" and has no connection with her at all. She is nearly 21 yrs old and it does NOT get easier for her. She is in therapy and has been for several years.....My daughter (her Mother) did ALL the positive things you have done and....still...it's not enough to heal her pain.
(6) Anonymous, January 30, 2011 6:36 PM
I'm crying
HaShem should bless you and your boys. If this is not a testimony on making the marriage work if at all possible, then I don't know what is. Obviously there were serious problems with your husband, since his reaction is so irrational, so please don't think that I am judging in any way, I just know that sometimes marriage is intollerable and divorce really seems to be the only way out. But you have reminded me that I have to make an effort to make Shalom Bayis a priority and keep my family together as best I can. I reely reely hope that your x-husband stops his patheticaly selfish behavior and remembers that his actions effect your boys on a daily basis, even from a different continent. It is likely he feels unworthy, low self esteem, etc... But this is no excuse to ignore his own children. Sounds like you are really doing the very best you can for them HaShem should bless you with happiness and shalom and a very good shiduch to a man who will be able to be everything that your x was not. All the best to you!
(5) Anonymous, January 30, 2011 5:16 PM
Some Dads Don't Know How to be A Daddy
I've watched 2 of my grandchildren grapple with this as well. My daughter refrains from disparaging him; but is truthful when they ask. He's ignored their birthdays, holidays, etc. Last time he saw them was 4 yrs ago when he had them a part of his marriage from which he is now divorced leaving a young daughter. So when the children ask "why", Gramma responds, "You Dad didn't learn how to be a Dad yet. Just remember how your Mom is teaching you so you will know how to be a parent." Some day your Dad may need you, and he will see how you've grown up so well & become wonderful adults with love, faith, and compassion even for the man who didn't know how to be a real Daddy.
(4) Sabina, January 30, 2011 5:13 PM
absent father
Pitiful. The mother should not encourage false hopes but help the boys adjust to the situation.
(3) wow!, January 30, 2011 5:06 PM
This article was very powerful! The kids in this article are very lucky! They have a loving mother! i hope they realize as they grow up, that yes, there life is not perfect but they still have tons of gifts in their lives. id do anything to have 2 great parents, let alone one.
(2) Miriam, January 30, 2011 3:54 PM
Heartbreaking
You sound incredible. May Hashem continue to give you strength.
(1) Anonymous, January 30, 2011 2:56 PM
Divorce is tough, no matter what age. I tried to keep my marriage together for 25 years. When the relationship just got too toxic and abusive and divorce was inevitable, I thought my children, who were entering adulthood would adjust better than younger children. Unfortunately, I have the opposite problem, since my oldest son is afflicted with a condition called Parent Alienation Syndrome caused by his father who has done everything in his power to isolate this son from me, his mother and my extended family. My ex-husband has been diagnosed with an anti-social personality disorder and is a very charming con-artist who seems to have this power over this son and I am at a loss of how to fix this. I have begged my son to get therapy to heal and offered to pay for it as well, however his father is adamantly against him going for any kind of help. I just pray that one day things will get better between us and that he will become emotionally healthy and be able to gain clarity and truth and that we will be able to repair and rebuild our relationship. Thank God, I still have a nice relationship with my two other children. Just keep being supportive and loving to you children and perhaps getting them male mentors and having uncles get more involved will help lessen the hurt for your sons. Good luck to you and May Hashem keep you strong!