My beloved mother, Ruth Bachner, a Holocaust survivor, passed away from Covid-19 May 11, 2020 alone in a hospital room. During the Holocaust my mother was hidden in a convent, a brave twelve-year-old girl, all alone who feared for her life with no one to protect or comfort her. For as long as I can remember, my mother loved being with people and did not like being alone, which I presume is rooted in the Holocaust. It was heart wrenching that on her deathbed, like in the convent, no one was with my mother to console her, recite Psalm 23, or tell her she was loved.
The pandemic has necessitated significant changes to every aspect of our lives, from how we live, work, and socialize, to how we die. I could not have imagined how different mourning, stripped of many Jewish rituals that honor and respect the deceased and comfort the mourners, would be in comparison to how I mourned for my father in 2008.
I was not mentally prepared when my father, Fred Bachner, passed away. My father had survived Auschwitz and five other concentrations camps and defied death so many times during and after the Holocaust that I believed he could survive everything, including the pneumonia he succumbed to. I followed the ritual for mourning beginning with giving a eulogy at the funeral and sitting shiva, comforted by many who came to console me.
On the last day of shiva I went to synagogue to say Kaddish. There had to have been something very compelling there for me, someone who attended synagogue only on the High Holidays and Yom HaShoah, to return the next day and every day thereafter for the next eleven months. Minyan became a place for me to be with my father, and a place of comfort and understanding with this community, my “Kaddish Buddies.” These Jewish rituals that brought healing to mourners for thousands of years guided me through the stages of mourning, beginning with shock and deep grief to embracing my father’s memory as a blessing.
My parents, Ruth and Fred Bachner
My mother dying alone and waiting in limbo four days to be buried were the first of many signs that honoring and respecting the deceased were compromised.
The graveside service, limited to less than ten people and 15 minutes, did not have a minyan or a eulogy. We were not allowed to accompany my mother to the grave, place her casket in the ground, or shovel earth to fill the grave or cover the casket. Had I not thought to bring a shovel, I would not have been able to put in even a small amount of earth. I was heartbroken my mother was not given the honor and respect she deserved and was once again alone.
After the funeral, I held a remembrance on Zoom where my mother was eulogized and recognized as an Eishet Chayil, a Woman of Valor. Many who knew and loved my mother for decades spoke, remembering her as loving and kind. This remembrance honored my mother and was a source of comfort and healing, unlike anything that followed.
"Family Chateaux" – my mother, her brother, and their parents in Belgium after the war. (My grandparents were hidden in the chateaux as maid and butler)
Shiva in isolation, without visitors to console the mourner and remember the deceased, epitomizes the extent to which Covid19 restrictions stripped rituals of their intended purpose. I was concerned how this would impact my ability to move throughout the stages of bereavement.
On the last day of shiva the candle was still burning, the flame signifying the soul reaching upward was strong. I took this as a sign my mother knew I was not ready for shiva to end or to let her go so I did not extinguish the flame. My selfless and loving mother was holding on for me. I heard her say, “Sweetie, it is okay if you want me to stay a little longer."
Nine days after her burial, the flame was no longer burning. Again my mother spoke to me, “Mamelah, it is nice outside and it is time. Go for a walk with your family.” I knew my mother was right and I took the traditional walk around the block intended to reintroduce myself to normalcy and symbolize I am no longer in isolation. I then went back home to quarantine.
The lines between when shiva began and ended were blurred. I felt stuck and unsettled and needed to grieve properly, to go synagogue to say Kaddish for my mother and find the same comfort and healing I found there when my father passed away. All places of worship were closed, so I attended my synagogue’s services online.
For me, the Zoom chapel was void of everything inherently important to the mourning and healing process. There are no personal connections, only names on a screen. Sympathy, empathy, and hugs cannot be replicated online. Though no fault of the synagogue or the congregants, saying Kaddish with a virtual minyan left me feeling empty. I am finding other ways to mourn and honor my mother. Watching my mother’s testimonials on the Holocaust is a source of comfort and renewed love for my mother and a way for me to connect with her, deepen my understanding, and carry her legacy within me.
The death of a parent is not easy, especially now with restrictions on Jewish rituals that brought healing to mourners for thousands of years. I have an inordinate amount of respect for our Talmudic scholars who had uncanny insight and understanding of man’s psyche and envisioned the mourning process as moving through stages of bereavement thousands of years before modern psychology. Disruptions to these rituals detract meaning from the bereavement process. Their absence highlights their significance.
I am grateful for the words of a wise and spiritual friend who suggested, “The souls of those who passed away now with abbreviated burials and shivas were so pure they ascended directly to heaven and did not require traditional mourning rituals.” These words will be a source of comfort and understanding for me, as will the memory of my beloved mother.
Top photo by Toshi Tasaki
(17) Michelle Halle, July 26, 2020 2:18 PM
Offering comfort
Ellen, As Jews we look for comfort in the Book of Psalms. I would like to paraphrase from there and say עמך אנכי בצרה. I am with you in your pain. Your words are so moving and I can't help but feel your feelings as you describe the mental anguish you experienced while thinking of your morher dying alone in the hospital while you, such a loving and devoted daughter yearned to be at her side when she most needed you. I hope you can find some comfort knowing that your mother knew how much you loved her and would do anything in the world for her. I hope you find comfort in remembering the special bond you shared. In friendship, Michelle
Anonymous, September 2, 2020 2:32 AM
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for understanding my pain! As you know, I was blessed to have a mother who was so loving and selfless, despite all she endured during the Holocaust. In April my mother was upset and asked when I would come visit her in a different state - 4 hours away. I could tell she sensed something was going on, and asked if she wanted me to tell her. I told her there's a virus and my husband and I couldn't leave our house. My mother responded, "Not a problem sweetie! I will come to your house. Let me know what I can bring." No doubt, if she could have, she would have been here in no time. That's my Mommy!
(16) Sandra Weissman, July 25, 2020 5:42 PM
I can’t even imagine burying your mom without all the Jewish rituals that we believe in and that give us comfort. Both my parents were survivors. No more pain. No more nightmares Please be comforted to know we are all with you
Anonymous, September 2, 2020 2:21 AM
I know! Before I wrote the article I read about the rituals to be sure my understanding was correct. Thinking about the rituals helped me feel like I was able to practice them. Thank you for your kind words - as children of Survivors, we share a legacy and understanding.
(15) Susan Libby, July 25, 2020 3:57 PM
Mourning
I also had a friend who only attended on High Holidays but when his father died he also went every day for the full year of mourning.
Anonymous, September 2, 2020 2:15 AM
It was comforting and felt right!
(14) henry jacobs, July 25, 2020 1:38 AM
so very sorry for your loss
to those of us that were children of survivors, each loss is very sad and reminds of what was lost in the murderous extermination of Europe's Jews. How very many remarkable souls went to the chimneys at the hands of the Nazi scourge. I will never get over my inability to change history. It is too hard a heartbreak to bear and to see others crushed by loss.
Anonymous, September 2, 2020 2:13 AM
Like you, I feel a deep sadness whenever a Survivor passes. They endured so much - I wish I could protect them from more pain and suffering.
(13) Anonymous, July 25, 2020 12:37 AM
Condolences
Im so sorry for your loss. I I too am a child of survivors and miss them daily. My heart breaks for all the families and survivors who are impacted by Covid 19 and those survivors dying alone. May your wonderful memories help sustain you at this most difficult time.
Anonymous, September 2, 2020 2:09 AM
Thank you for understanding. I also find it especially sad that Survivors, who endured so much, are dying alone.
(12) Gail Hochman, July 24, 2020 1:53 PM
Death of her mom
Your article was so sad but beautiful at the same time. You have to be thankful for all that your parents had given you, the strength of a child of survivors is a one that is very unique. I will tell you what my mom would have said: although it sounds a bit callous if you think about it, it may bring you comfort. She would have said, "At least your parents had graves." Think of all those who had grandparents and parents who didn't have that "luxury" and I hope it brings you some comfort. As a child of 2 survivors, I feel your immense pain and again, the strength that your parents passed on to you should help you in your immense grief.
Ellen Bachner Greenberg, September 2, 2020 2:06 AM
Thank you for your kind words. I am grateful my parents showed me by how they lived their lives how to be brave and strong and to look on the bright side. It is a source of strength and comfort, especially now.
(11) Anonymous, July 23, 2020 2:09 AM
Hi Ellen my name as you see is Marla Bachner. I would love to get in touch with you. I’m so so sorry about your loss.
(10) Margie Laurence, July 22, 2020 4:27 PM
Grieve and be glad too
Such a sad story, Ellen.
Even though you could not be with her, you may feel you can't rest with this unresolved homage to her: it can last for years.
If you believe that your beloved Mother could have gone to Heaven, picture that she could be watching your grief and wanting to console you. She is free and has arrived at her destination with your Father. May you find consolation in the words of the Torah. Long life..
Ellen Bachner Greenberg, July 24, 2020 11:49 AM
Thank you! Writing this article was cathartic for me and released me of sadness. My mother lives on in me, my family, and my friends. Every time we spoke she called me Mamelah, sweetie, and told me how much she loved me. I am blessed
(9) Silky Pitterman, July 22, 2020 1:28 AM
my sympathies
Baruch Dayan Emes. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel, my father, also a Survivor, died in this plague at the end of March. We were "lucky" that my father's body was released right away and we had the funeral the next day. I agree with you, that the abbreviated funerals and the lonely shiva was not worthy of our parents. May your mother's neshama have an aliya and may Hashem comfort you and your family. May He give you strength and good health.
Ellen Bachner Greenberg, July 23, 2020 8:28 PM
I’m so sorry for your loss. Especially sad that Survivors can not be buried with Jewish rituals that honor and respect. I hope to honor and respect my loving mother by remembering and telling her story. Thinking of you and hope the memory of your father will be a source of strength for you and your family.
(8) esther walfish, July 22, 2020 12:47 AM
I love the words of your wise and spiritual friend. They are so beautiful and true. May Hashem comfort you at these most difficult times. May your Motherzl be a Gitte Beiter for you and your family. Moshiach.
(7) Elaine Saklad, July 21, 2020 4:35 PM
Wishing you comfort
Your piece is so beautiful - I wish you peace and comfort, and consolation...
(6) Brian Wolf, July 21, 2020 3:47 PM
Beautiful Words
Thank you for your kind words about you parents. My My mother passed away 23 years ago and I had the comfort of a chapel service and shiva. My father passed away 2 days before Pesach. My shiva was 2 days. I was alone but I did receive phone calls from family, friends and people who knew him. I also had Zoom evening services for my shiva. Afterword my family and friends stayed on to talk. It did help my mourning. I say daily Kaddish via Zoom and also have Aish saying it in Israel every day for the 11 months. I am taking things one day at a time. I carry them with me always. I love them eternally.
(5) Anonymous, July 21, 2020 2:10 PM
מַלְאַךְ פָּנָיו
I believe that God provided מַלְאַךְ פָּנָיו to be with your mother at the hour of her passing, to comfort and reassure her. She was surrounded by joy and peace in a way that we currently do not comprehend.
Anonymous, July 23, 2020 7:56 PM
Appreciate your comment and find comfort believing she was joyful and at peace thinking of me, my husband, and our children who she adored and knowing how much we love her.
(4) Anonymous, July 21, 2020 1:59 PM
Your mother
I listened to your mother's testimony. It was very inspiring. She must have been a wonderful person. Ha makom yinachem otchem btoch shar avelei Zion v'Yerushalayim.
Ellen Bachner Greenberg, July 23, 2020 7:50 PM
Thank you. I am blessed to have a loving, kind, and selfless mother who loved me unconditionally.
(3) Anonymous, July 21, 2020 12:45 PM
Tenahamu min Hashamayim
Ellen Bachner Greenberg, July 23, 2020 8:30 PM
Amen. Thank you.
(2) denise s lasky, July 20, 2020 11:52 PM
love
what beautiful words about such a personal ritual. i share your feelings so immensely as you know. i too said kaddish daily for my father and have had to do so at home for my mother too. sending you love and hugs
Ellen Bachner Greenberg, July 21, 2020 2:48 PM
Thank you Denise. May our memories and love for our mothers be a source of comfort for both of us.
(1) Laura, July 20, 2020 9:25 PM
Sending love and prayers of peace to Mrs. Bachner‘s family and friends.
Anonymous, July 21, 2020 2:50 PM
Thank you for your kind words!
Laura, July 21, 2020 9:20 PM
You are welcome!