Nine months ago I lost my beloved mother.
But as I write these words, I wonder: Can one ever really lose a mother?
Of course not. But I lost the sound of my mother’s voice when I’d walk into the room and hear her joy as she cried out my name. I lost the touch of her hands as she would hold onto mine. I lost the one person in the world whom I would call day or night, no matter the hour. She would be happy to lift the burden off of my shoulders. “Don’t worry, sheyfelah, everything will be all right. I am davening for you.” In my heart I knew that my mother was taking out her book of Psalms and washing the fragile pages with her tears. For me. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of feeling cared for and loved.
And now I am left grappling with the void. There are times that I pick up the phone out of habit and just hear the dial tone ringing in my ear. I forget that I cannot make that call. I seek her wisdom but must instead rely on my mother’s words from days gone by. I struggle to remember it all. I try fiercely to hold onto our inside jokes, our looks of understanding. I close my eyes and travel to my yesterdays when I had a mother in this world.
Each Friday night the empty chair is yet another stark reminder of all that I have lost. I wish that I could bend my head and feel my mother’s hands upon me as she whispers her Shabbos blessings once again. But the night passes and in my mother’s place is the sound of silence.
I recall that last Shabbos when my mother was feeling too ill to come to my home. My two-year-old grandson asked, “Where’s Bubba?”
“Bubba doesn’t feel so good.” I replied. “I don’t think Bubba is coming tonight.”
His eyes began to fill. “I want Bubba!”
I saw him run to the window and lift up the curtain. His lips pouting, he had a determined look on his face. He turned to me while holding onto the fabric’s edge. “Maybe Bubba is coming. I’m gonna watch by this window.”
We waited and waited but it was not to be.
I wish.
I wish we would have known that our time together was going to be cut short. I wish I would have asked more questions. Learned more. Listened more.
On one of those last awful days in the hospital when we knew that the moment to say goodbye was drawing near, we each took a few moments to speak privately.
My mother’s eyes were opened. I knew that though my mother could not talk she knew exactly what was happening. There was a light of understanding that shone forth.
I leaned in and took my mother’s hand.
I thanked my dear mother for giving me life. I tried to express my gratitude for my mother’s courage, vision, resilience, and her keeping the torch of faith burning inside of us. The many sacrifices for our people that she ingrained within our hearts. And the countless sacrifices she made for us, her children. The path that she so valiantly forged for us to follow in. I thanked her for giving us the gift of memory, mission, and legacy.
If you are blessed with having a mom in this world, take a moment and share your gratitude.
My mother’s footsteps can never be erased by time. Her love has been imbued into the very molecules of this universe. We breathe in her love every single day. It is a mother’s love that cannot be duplicated; a singular love that nourishes one’s soul.
My mother’s eyes glistened. How does one say goodbye? I took a tissue and dabbed her cheeks as two tears rolled down her face. At that moment I felt I was touching holiness; burning tears of fire straight from the soul.
If you are blessed with having a mom in this world, take a moment and share your gratitude. Words from the heart can be difficult to voice, but you will always cherish this moment. It is a giant leap of love. It’s worth taking it.
And if your mother has returned her soul to the heavens above, know, as I do, that your mother is your mother forever. She is watching over you, praying for you and caring for you. Take comfort in knowing that you do not stand alone.
With eternal gratitude to my dear mother, Rebbetzin Esther Jungries, may her memory be for a blessing,
(25) Anonymous, May 13, 2018 5:53 PM
This past Thursday night, my aunt, a sister to Rav Noach Weinberg, Mrs. Helene Moskovitz was nifter.
She was extremely close to her brothers and helped Aish HaTorah throughout all its years. Mrs. Moskovitz regal in appearance with the most beautiful soft voice was the paragon of kindness to all.
Your beautiful article expressed the sentiments of losing this "mother" physically; allowing comfort knowing that she will always be with us forever.
(24) Rebecca, May 11, 2018 9:42 PM
Powerful
Deeply moving, thanks for sharing your words from your heart.
(23) Rosalyn, May 11, 2018 6:49 PM
Thank you.
Like your dear mother, mine is continuing to watch over me. It has been 33 years and, not a day goes by when I know my mother is there. I will always feel her in my heart and soul.
By the way, I would like to add this anecdotal story.
On my mother's last Shabbat on this earth, my older brother, husband and a dear friend of ours lit the candles for the very last time with mom. My mother was in the throes of the imminent dying process. She could hear but could not verbally respond. The cancer had riddled her body. The only thing left to do was provide her with comfort and support.
So there we were, the four adult children and mom in bed. We lit the candles and said the blessings for the very last time with her. She blinked and opened her eyes. She knew how this tradition impacted us now and forever.
Good Shabbos Mom. May HaShem guard your soul right now and forever in the future.
Your loving children: Roz, Chick, Jim and Rita.
(22) Leah, May 7, 2018 8:46 AM
Watching from Above
Your article is very touching.
I especially love your last paragraph because that is how I feel!
(21) Shirlee Rosenthal, May 19, 2017 4:26 PM
Mom
Thank you for your words. I lost my beloved Mother 2 years ago, and like you I miss her touch, her kisses and mostly I miss holding her hand and singing with her. Thank you for your column. Shirlee Rosenthal
(20) Alegre Uziel, May 15, 2017 12:43 PM
Dear Mrs Slovie J.Wollf. Thanks for the beautiful article. Rebbetzin E. Jungreis, May her memory be blessed. Amen. Was an example for me. I admired her and each week read her beautiful articles.I remember her with love and respect.R.I.P. May HASHEM bless you Amen.
(19) Jewish Mom, May 15, 2017 7:03 AM
About your "soul poll"
I voted that I'm not sure (a minority!). Is a soul really looking down at the lives of loved ones forever? I'm under the impression that after passing, a soul is more aware of dear ones left behind but after time, much less so. At a funeral, we ask the departed to be a meilitz yosher (put in a good word in Heaven) for the family and for our nation, and when we visit a grave, we likewise ask the same - not praying to him/her but rather asking him/her to intervene on our behalf. If they were constantly aware and intervening, there would be no reason to arouse them to do this! The soul, in its high spiritual realm, has unclouded perception of why things are the way including ways we are tested and what work WE need to do in order to perfect ourselves, as opposed to their intervening to relieve us of our tests. At special times e.g. at a chuppah (marriage ceremony), the souls of ancestors are there, maybe because this new home being set up impacts on them. They're on hand to greet and help loved one through the passage of death. But on a day to day basis, I'm not sure they're our "guardian angels" looking out for us. We CAN remain meaningfully connected with them by doing mitzvos (Torah commandments/good deeds) for the elevation of their souls. I've heard of quite a few first-person amazing accounts of people who've received "thank-you messages" from departed loved ones after having done challenging positive spiritual acts on his/her behalf - and our Jewish sources have relate various accounts as well. The departed showed awareness, gratitude and at times, subsequently intervened on behalf of the person who grew spiritually to benefit their soul. This works two ways - it connects us with our beloved departed ones and connects them with us. Slovie, by continuing your mother's lifework inspiring Jews and by living a spiritually uplifted life as she and your father taught and modeled for you, you're bringing them continuous pleasure and are remaining connected.
(18) Bracha Goetz, May 14, 2017 8:39 PM
Thank you!
(17) Susan B., May 14, 2017 1:58 PM
Thank you
Thank you for sharing these beautiful words. I was fortunate to have heard your beloved mother speak several years ago when she came to Providence. Her book the Committed Marriage resides on my night table. My beloved mother's Levaya was on Rosh Chodesh Iyar. This is my first Mother's Day without my mother too. I am truly blessed because my mom gave to all with her kind heart for 100 years.
(16) Dianne G. Sandler, May 14, 2017 12:44 PM
We are both blessed to have our mothers looking down upon us every day.
It is an honor and pleasure to know you. You are a beautiful woman inside and out, like your mother. Think of our blessings and thank you.
(15) John Hughes, May 13, 2017 2:04 PM
Hi Slovie, yes it was nice to see you as well. As I was reading your article my mind was drifting as I pictured you with your radiant smile. You always have such kind hellos . And as my mind wandered I realized how much you are like your mother. Although she is not here physically, she is very much alive through you. We are all blessed to know that no better person was left to carry her torch.
(14) Samuel, May 12, 2017 9:11 PM
...one couldn't express it better then you did... thank you, Slovie...
(13) Léa, May 12, 2017 4:48 AM
Tearful and inspiring
This piece is absolutely beautiful and well said. Thank you for sharing.
(12) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 11:21 PM
I miss her also!!
although I didn't have more than a few encounters with your amazing mother Z'TL. I miss her wisdom and holiness as well. I can't even imagine the pain and loss you feel. May Hashem comfort you and your family. Thank you for sharing these precious memories about your mother. Please continue to do so. It is a blessing to learn from her.
(11) Elizabeth, May 11, 2017 6:25 PM
My heart goes out to yours...
I have been missing my dear mom for over 17 years now...she also was a righteous woman beloved by many outside kin even. My longing to see her and talk to her never leaves. Thanks for sharing about your mom!!
(10) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 6:23 PM
I remember her
I went to hear your mother speak when I was about twelve in upstate New York. I will never forget her massive presence and the way she made you feel as she spoke, with so much emotion pouring into the audience. After I graduated high school, my sister brought me once again to her parsha class. When it was over my sister told her I was about to go to Israel, and the Rebbitzin took my hand and gave me a blessing. She was truly a most remarkable woman.
It must be so difficult to have lost her, yet she is definitely still with you.
(9) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 5:40 PM
What about mothers not like yours?
What do you say to a mother who describe your calls for solace a "harassment", who irreparably harms by dismissal my children (her grandchildren), all stemming from a mental health issue in herself she refuses to acknowledge, let alone address, except with more dismissal? "You've hurt me"? How do you thank a mother who for years claimed to always be on the brink of leaving your father, not for another man or better life, but because she felt he didn't earn enough? "Thank you"? Such words of thanks and forgiveness are only available to those who participate in the processes of repentance and appreciation. Such processes are holy. Some mother-child relationships simply aren't. A mother having a mental illness or contributing to family strife is not where holiness is lacking. Allowing it to continue, while acknowledging the harm that leaving the illness run unaddressed, is where holiness is missing. Seeing my daughter cry over something bubbe did, and seeing bubbe ignore that and do nothing to address it, created a permanent rift. I do not speak to my mother. She abandoned me and my children. When I called my mother to describe child abuse by my ex wife, when my mother claimed to offer me her ear at long last, my "mother" called my complaint a harassment. To me, she died that day. It hasn't been easy living without a mother. But it is easier than just becoming more of a victim of the tirades and outbursts we all once used to make excuses for. And we would have again, if she only cared about the pain she was causing to do anything about it. The difference between a mother with a mental illness who is holy and an orphan of evil circumstance is simply a difference of caring. My mother didn't. If you're a mother reading this, and you've had issues with your kids, dismissal is the worst thing you can do. For me, it means a mother's day without a mother. For a reason far worse than death.
Anonymous, May 12, 2017 4:28 PM
To commenter #9 anonymous
I am so sorry for all of the pain your mother has caused you. Of course these scars are deep for you AND your children. However, it sounds like you have enough insight to know that you can be a different and much better parent than your mother ever was. Please be good to yourself on Mother's Day and remember that after 24 hours the "holiday" will be OVER. I commented below that I truly hate the commercialism. IMO, Mother's Day AND Father's Day both bring lots of sadness for many different reasons.
Anonymous, May 14, 2017 4:27 PM
Re-read the comment...
A man wrote this comment...he speaks of his "ex-wife". Lots of pain here...
(8) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 4:47 PM
Even though I never met her
I miss her; knowing how she spoke, and wrote and gave and gave and gave until the end. She is sorry miss in this olam of sheker
(7) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 3:36 PM
I lost my mother when I was a very young child of 6 1/2 and due to various circumstances, I have no memories of her. As hard as it is to lose a parent as an adult, I lost my father at the age of 44, I know that it is a comfort to be able to remember the years that I had him in my life. I know that as the years go by, you will also hold on to the connection that can never be severed and you will be comforted by that connection. May you and your family have the Nechama of that age-old passuk: HaMakom yenachem eschem b'soch she'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim.
(6) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 3:27 PM
zt"l
Your late mother, z"l, was a giant, a gedolah hador. I was privileged to hear her speak in Toronto. She inspired all those who had the honour of hearing her.
I wish you a long and healthy life. May her memory comfort and inspire you. May H.B.H. grant you no more sorrow.
Vivienne
(5) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 2:28 PM
I lost my mother just a week and a half ago. Thank you so much for this article. I was dreading Mother's Day, and this was just what I needed. Hugs to you.
(4) Anonymous, May 11, 2017 2:00 PM
Truly a beautiful article; sweet and bittersweet.
Sweet - What a superb relationship you had the merit of having with a most illustrious mother.
Bitter sweet - Most of us do not have such a rich and warm relationship with our mothers. The power of love, education and commitment of parents is the hallmark of producing children who are dedicated to serving Hashem, as is exemplified by having a daughter, as you are.
We must not just read this, cry and say how inspiring but we must take this as a lesson as to how to become better parents.
Rebetzin Jungreis's legacy lives on and on.
(3) MESA, May 10, 2017 5:17 PM
Your mother was an incredibly special person who brought a lot of light into this world. May you and your entire family have the zechut to carry on her legacy.
(2) JONATHAN KEEFE, May 10, 2017 1:40 PM
Thank you-You should have a Nechama
You are so fortunate to have had such a Mother! I was fortunate enough to have heard her speak in person one time. Her greatness was very apparent.
(1) Anonymous, May 10, 2017 11:23 AM
Please be gentle with yourself on Mother's Day
Hi Slovie--
I lost my mother back in 2011. She had a very rare gift of intelligence and common sense, but also lacked self confidence and was depressed for most of her life. As I sat reading your words I was crying. As you navigate this new normal, please do something nice for yourself. Also, if the commercialism of the day starts getting to you just remember that it will end after 24 hours. (The advertising and related fanfare ALWAYS makes me grit my teeth.) On an unrelated note, I hope to be able to attend one of your classes at some point, as I actually live about 20 minutes away from you!
M.J. Rimmer, May 11, 2017 4:37 PM
Good Advice-Thank You
You have offered some very good advice and some solace as well to those of us who lost our Mothers in 2016, and like you, were moved to tears reading this article. I thank you.