Where do I begin to tell the story of Rebbetzin Faigy Hoch who passed away at a too young age this past Shabbos?
Is it with her warmth and acceptance of me, a know-it-all college kid who she brought into her home without a word of censure or disapproval – not at my clothes, not at my thoughts and words, not at my behavior? No matter how absurd my ideas, no matter how much she may have winced internally at the discordant values I espoused.
Is it with her constant smile and good nature, despite the normal pre-Shabbos chaos in her home and the rambunctious (and also normal) behavior of her (very) young boys?
Is it with her duck sauce chicken (still a favorite with my family and my guests) that she made look “fancy” with some sliced peaches from the can? I like to claim the privilege of being their first student in Toronto, the first person they brought close to traditional Judaism, but I’m sure many others will fight me for the privilege because to be close to Faigy was a true pleasure, to be fought for and cherished.
Many people think that to be effective at Jewish outreach you need to be a big personality. From Faigy (and her husband Rabbi Ahron Hoch, rabbi of Aish HaTorah's Village Shul in Toronto), I learned that the secret is not to be personality but to be a person. Her sincerity shone through. She didn’t have any shtick and she didn’t change how she conducted herself – her modesty, her refinement – to relate to us. She didn’t have to. Even though she grew up in an observant home in Brooklyn, she connected with everyone on the human level. She was just real – before it became a synonym for cool. In fact she wasn’t cool and that was part of her appeal. She didn’t change with any fashions or fads but was a solid rock you could count on.
Her relationship with the Almighty was just a normal part of her life, something that seemed integral to her being and not imposed from the outside. I wanted to be her when I grew up. She never made me feel foolish or ignorant or less than her, even though it was all true. She was only warm and supportive, giving me room to grow at my own pace.
I remember some freezing cold Toronto Shabbats and the pleasure of entering the warmth of her house for Shabbos lunch. I remember going to classes with her on Shabbos afternoon. Even though I was a newbie, even though I may not have been dressed completely appropriately, she treated me like an equal. I was her student. She was my teacher and my friend.
Faigy and Ahron didn’t limit their kindness to me to Shabbos only. As a starving college student, I was often invited over during the week as well. Sunday night dinner was always Shabbos leftovers, including leftover cholent which I thought was delicious. My kids complain when I try to serve leftover cholent, but for me it’s evocative on those special Sunday nights.
Faigy had so much to offer but she never quite believed it. She followed up her words with a slightly self-deprecating laugh. She never put herself forward. She was never arrogant; she never flaunted her knowledge – although she knew so much. She had true humility and it was another one of her endearing qualities.
In our society it’s become popular to refer to talented speakers as charismatic. I think that’s a distortion of what true charisma is. I think many of us were drawn to Faigy because of her charisma – her sincerity and her authenticity, qualities that are much deeper, much more lasting and ultimately much more captivating than oratorical abilities. In his eulogy, her husband mentioned that she would say that she didn’t have seven children, but rather 13 because she included all her sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. That sounds so much like her. I knew it had to be true.
It’s been many years now since I “lived” in the Hoch’s home – 37 to be exact! But they were formative years, years that made me who I am. I know I didn’t say it enough to Faigy Hoch and I need to ask her forgiveness for not expressing my gratitude more. But I know that not only would Faigy not hold a grudge but she would dismiss my concerns as foolish (at least I hope she would!).
The world is a darker place without her smile, without her warmth, without her humility and sincerity and constant gratitude. I pray that all the good she did in her life will serve her well in the world of truth and that all the actions of those of us who call ourselves her students will help the soul of Faigy Rochel bas Pinchas Aryeh to have an aliyah.
(10) Anonymous, September 1, 2019 11:20 PM
A true Aishes Chayil
I am not signing my name as I just returned from NY and I am not feeling well.
I just could not hold back from writing as there is so much more to be said about Faigy.
I heard that when she was informed about her illness she thanked Hashem for giving her the most wonderful life.
Her daughter related that when she was in seminary the seminary had a prominent Rav come to speak about the evils of Loshon Hara -gossip. Her daughter could not understand what was the issue. Why did have to go to some much effort? She said that in her house it was a fact that there was never Loson Hara spoken. Can one think of any higher praise?
She had a real Simchat HaChaim and took joy in everyone's happiness.
There is so much that I hope to emulate.
May all of us, in k'lall Yisroel take upon ourselves to emulate her unbelievable middos which will merit the coming of Mashiach!
(9) Anonymous, September 1, 2019 9:38 PM
Thank you
This was a wonderfully written article that reveals how one special Jewish woman made a universal difference.
(8) Anonymous, August 30, 2019 7:57 PM
To send thoughts or stories to the Hoch family Email-
Memories of Rebbetzin Faigy Hoch A"H Anyone who would like to share their memories, thoughts or stories about the Rebbetzin should please email them to hochmemories@gmail.com Thank you so much. We should only share in simchos.
(7) Rabbi Yerachmiel Milstein, August 30, 2019 9:47 AM
Greatness personified
I was abroad for a while and learned late of Rebetzin Hoch’s tragic passing. Having stayed with the Hoch’s a number of times over the years and being an old friend of the rabbi’s , I felt an acute stabbing pain over the loss of not just someone who was pure goodness but also the loss of one of the great pillars of greatness in a world left sadly bereft of extraordinary role models. I wish Reb Aharon and his amazing family consolation among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem and the strength to continue lead lives of kiddush Hashem until our speedy and immediate final redemption.
(6) Lisa Sarett Berger, August 30, 2019 3:13 AM
Faigy Hoch
I also grew from my relationship with the Hochs, when we lived in Toronto. They were an inspiring example to us. What a special lady. I’m stunned to hear that she’s gone at such a young age. May Hashem comfort the entire family.
(5) Anonymous, August 30, 2019 2:40 AM
Thank you
Dear Emunah,
Thank you for your touching reflection,I was deeply moved. Although I never had the opportunity to meet Rebettzin Hoch, your description makes her absence in this world an even greater loss. You see, we are suffering in the Jewish world, like lambs who have lost their way...Jewish leaders seem to be "show men or show women" displaying charisma giving captivating speeches...but lack sincerity and authenticity. So who are we to look to, in our own Jewish journey?
(4) Surie Weinberg, August 30, 2019 1:35 AM
These words ring exquisitely about and extraordinary person
May Hashem send comfort to her beautiful family.
(3) Suzanne Rotter, August 29, 2019 6:31 PM
So true
Thank you for capturing the essence of Rebbetzin Hoch. She will always be a role model that I aspire to be.
(2) Leora, August 29, 2019 3:47 PM
Rebbetzin Hoch
I have been going to Aish for 20 years. I was very saddened to hear about Rebbetzin Hoch's untimely passing. My prayers are with her family. Very sad news.
(1) Carole Paul, August 29, 2019 3:34 PM
She was a humble and warm person. She treated me like I was a somebody.
When I was new to the Village Shul, someone asked if I would like to meet Faggie. Isaid yes They never said she was the Rabbi's wife and she just said she was Faggie. It was latter that I learned she was Rabbi Hoch's wife. She was humble, never treated me like I was anyone that was not as important as the other person. I think she will always be a ,mentor for me. Carole Brach Paul