10 Tips after 20 Years of Marriage

I love it all. Thank you for the insights. I'm alredy a fan of this site.

Be careful who you marry or you'll be miserable the rest of your life. Even if you're careful, you might still make a mistake and be miserable.

With all the expenses (rent, gas, tuition,...........) who has money for vacation?
Is this only me? Is there anyone else like me out there?

I can relate, right now, we have no money for vacation. College tuition(even though my daughter got many scholarships), and paying privately for health insurance, the these two expenses are very high.

There is no "one size fits all" approach to marriage.
Some of these ideas will work for many; some won't.
For example, I trust my wife's spending and do not want to know how much she pays for something, especially if it is a bit on the expensive side.
Furthermore, I disagree that one can NEVER change one's spouse. We all can change--ourselves, and our spouses, but it is very difficult to accomplish either, and one should NOT marry someone with the intention of changing that person.
Finally: taharas ha'mishpacha is perhaps the most crucial glue in a marriage.

We also get a mazel tov, Ruchi: 15 years since our first Shabbos dinner at your house in BG. May you and Rabbi Koval always have a marriage to teach from and to learn from

Great advice! I'm also married just over 20 years and I agree whole heartedly. I once read "if you were 100% responsible for your relationship, what would you do differently?" It was a game changer and has been a wonderful way to approach my marriage. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with the world!

If you have two normal, healthy well-intentioned people, this works. If one partner is mentally-ill/abusive/deceptive/evil--whatever you want to call it-- then it doesn't matter what you do. I did it for a lot more than 20 years and always thought that somehow if I fixed myself, gave more of myself, it would work. Plenty of people were willing to cover what was really going on--for my own good of course, to preserve the marriage-- and encourage me to keep trying to fix myself instead of realizing that I was in a total lose situation. I have no marriage and the situation destroyed my children (and probably contributed significantly to the destruction of their marriages) I'm empty-handed and essentially alone (the system both Jewish and secular basically works like that for women--defacto not how its supposed to work) but I'd have at least gotten out younger and not lost years and self-respect chasing my tall.

I agree,both people need to be mentally stable.mental illness is never spoken about in these marriage articles,shame because it is an issue in plenty of jewish homes.It feels like there are them and there is us.the unfortunates,that are living in the shadow's.Is it because of the stigma?or is it because there is only 3-4 jewish marriages on the planet effected by mental illness?

1. Whatever won't bother you after 100 years is mostly not worth getting too upset about now as well..

2. Almost everything one does or says in the home is either a mitzvah or an aveirah. It's really worth going through all the commandments that have to do with inter-relationships between man to man.

3. In many situations of crises, small or large, there's usually
something that one could have done to rectify or defuse the gravity of the situation. So why blame the spouse?

Ladies, whether you deem a $200 impulse purchase at Nordstrom Rack "important"

IS NOT your call.
It is a joint decision. You are partners, and partners do not keep spending decisions from each other.
You need to discuss with your husband what level of spending is not important.
When my wife and I got married in the 80's, we agreed that we would call the other if the item we were considering buying was over 100$.
As time went by we negotiated the price up to $300.
But we decided together what was important.

Also,
no one can give 100%.
That is how you set yourself up for failure.
You can try to do 70% more for you marriage than you believe you spouse does.
This is necessary to overcome a basic flaw in human perception. We rarely see everything the other does.
As Mrs. Helen Telushkin once said "The only completely happy people I know are people I don't know well."

The only thing that got me through some days was prayer!!! I eventually made up a page of verses from the Tanach that encouraged me and taped it inside a cabinet in the kitchen. No one bothered most of them. So I was always able to run there to read, pray and cry when needed.

Does every human being have his character graven in stone? OF COURSE NOT!! The Torah teaches us that we have to grow. We have to learn self control, patience, how to love, how to speak to eachother with kind words. how to be careful not to bring up touchy subjects when the other is obviously nervous.
To say "you will never ever change your spouse", means YOU ARE MARRIED TO A BABY. YOU HEARD RIGHT. A husband or wife who does not notice that the other one is suffering or upset or angry is self centered and childish.
I have been able to change SO MANY THINGS in my husband - it all depends on how you speak to him- do you whine, or do you talk to him like an adult? DO YOU LISTEN AND KEEP QUIET WHEN HE/SHE SPEAKS???
there is no reason to tolerate such behavior. That's not a life.

This is great advice, It's no surprise that many husband's don't get it. No 7 is easily forgotten. Those of us who never go out on dates might just want to get out once in a while.L
:et your wife choose the home & location. Very wise advice too.

I guess we must have followed Ruchi's rules.

"If you haven't been away without the kids, at least overnight, for longer than you can remember, you are prioritizing the kids over the marriage."

Snort!! If only life were so simple!

I have a bunch of kids, including one kid with intense behavioral issues on ADHD meds, who gets violent regularly when something sets him off. (We're working with his psychiatrist on this, of course.) And we have no extended family within 1500 miles. So WHO exactly should we leave our kids with so we can go away overnight as a couple? I could farm out my other kids (although frankly it's a chutzpah to ask your friends to watch your kid so you can go on vacation- it massively disrupts their family life, in my experience watching friends' kids), but how can I ask a friend to take my kid who's liable to start hitting her children if he gets upset? Yeah. Not everybody CAN go away overnight, and I don't appreciate being told I'm prioritizing my kids over my marriage. I work pretty darn hard at my marriage. There are a lot of us who can't go away with our spouse because a.) we are seriously broke, b.) we have no family to ask, c.) we have special needs kids who can't just sleep over at some random friend's house, d.) some combination or all of the above. Please realize that going away with a spouse is quite a luxury!! Guess what, though? There are other ways to build your marriage that work wonderfully well!

Being an out of town b.t. I don.t have family i can rely on either. But i have gd friends! I think i am a gd friend as well to them so it isn.t like we r a charity case bcuz we reciprocate the favors and help each other constantly. Maybe u cld farm most kids out n take the really needy ones along or take turns taking kids along and still having a time to enjoy each other.s company?
thanx for this article. We need all the help we can get!

We also were in similar situation; now our children are all raised and most with children of their own. HaShem knows when we try our best...and some of our lives are not with many choices at all!! All I can tell you is that eventually, HE makes up the difference. We nearly did not survive our marriage, but now at 41 we can truthfully say we are glad we are together NOW. We began near kin, but too many of them only added to our troubles so we moved away, 350 miles and then 250 miles...still too far for the good ones to be of help usually however. And now though we help with our grandchildren as we can, the families are on both coasts. So we are only helpful at times. Hang in there, do your best, and somehow it will be ok. Eventually.

Thanks, Elizabeth, for the kind words. It's good to hear from people who made it through. And you're right, sometimes having space from family is a very good thing! I'm glad to hear you weathered your marriage troubles and came through stronger.

Shlomo, a vacation with my most challenging child (btw he is a wonderful child too!) would not be a vacation! Much better to take a 1/2 day off work occasionally to go somewhere as a couple while the kids are in school and be back before they come home. Stolen moments are sweet!

My husband and I both knew instinctively when I was pregnant with our first that from that moment on, our lives would never be the same. With no nearby family, we took our children everywhere if we were going to be away overnight. (We could hire sitters for day-evening times when we were out, together or separately.)

Our children are now adults; one at home in school, the other away at school. And now my husband and I have more "we" time for each other. But I don't think either of us regrets all the family time we spent together, and our children have memories of all us of us together, whether at my swearing-in as an attorney, visiting family, or trips together to Disneyworld, Europe, etc.

I'd add these.

1. Recognize gender differences; men and women are 2 parts of a whole. Women like to verbalize and talk through their issues and problems. Men like to discuss problems with a view to particular solutions and view talking without problem-solving as annoying and unproductive.

2. Let the wife choose the home and location. If she's happy everyone will be happy.

3. Treat your husband at least as well as you treat casual acquaintances. If you don't speak to them in an annoyed and dismissive fashion, don't talk to your husband that way.

4. Intimacy is important on many levels, it's reinforces the husband's sense of worth, cements the relationship, and minimizes the risk of infidelity. A woman should spend time on her appearance.

5. Don't stray. Wives can ultimately tolerate many things, but infidelity will never be completely forgiven or forgotten.

6. A wife's parents will probably be more involved with child-rearing. Hopefully the husband and his parents can understand. Try to minimize discord even if inlaws are unreasonable. You don't have to love or even like your inlaws; you do have to be cordial and maintain a relationship.

7. Go out Saturday nights, and try to take your wife to dinner. A wife raising children will face pressures and just want to get out.

I like your list MUCH better than the one presented :-)