She is just a little girl but she has seen too much. A 10 year old asked if she could speak with me privately.
“What does it mean if I hear my mother crying in the night? And why does my father say, 'Tell your mother I’m not coming home for supper' and my mother says, 'Tell your father we are going out to get sneakers,' if they are both sitting right there?”
What is there to say?
All couples disagree about some things. For some it is in-laws, for others it is money, dividing up household responsibilities, or how to discipline the kids. As long as two individuals live together there will be always be different ideas and opinions. The issue becomes serious when parents don’t know how to resolve their disagreements with dignity and respect. Children grow up seeing constant conflict and hearing their parents bicker. They live with negativity and inappropriate ways of dealing with marital discord.
Kids wish that their home would be a happy home, one without yelling, arguing, or emotional withdrawals. When parents hold onto resentments or don’t know how to find good resolution, the children absorb the hostilities.
Marriage should never be thought of as a chronic pain. It can be our greatest source of happiness. We are living with our best friend, the person who shares all our joys, all our hurts; the person whose love we carry within our hearts forever. But when we lack the right tools to communicate properly, disagreements and conflicts can make married life miserable.
Judaism describes our homes as a ‘mikdash me’at,' a miniature sanctuary. Children need this haven to grow up feeling safe and secure. When we create an atmosphere of tension and strife in our homes, we slowly chip away not only at our marriages, but at the sense of emotional security that our children need to flourish in life.
How can a couple work out their differences without hurting each other and destroying their marriage?
4 Steps to Conflict Resolution
without Killing Your Marriage
1. Keep your Discussions Private
When you know that there is a contentious issue, don’t clash in front of others. Decide together that from now on you will take your discussions to a private place at a private time. When you fight in public, you lose a sense of dignity and often feel ashamed. You blame your partner and now you grow even angrier. Children do not have to hear the details of your arguments being volleyed back and forth. If you say to me that children should be exposed to parental fighting because that is real life, then I say to you that our children are exposed to enough pain and challenges in this world of ours. Hostility between parents should not be exposed to your children. The same goes for one sided conversations or thinking that your kids don’t hear you fighting in the other room. When children hear parents arguing, they often become forced to take sides or align themselves with one parent over the other. They become caught in the middle and get involved in parental arguments. This is not only unhealthy; it further breaks down the relationship between husband and wife.
2. Establish Rules of engagement
No matter how opinionated you are or how correct you feel you in your views, you do not have the right to put down your spouse. We should never believe that we can strip another person of their dignity; and certainly not our partner in life. Children cannot grow up thinking that it is okay to belittle, yell, scream, intimidate, mock, threaten, put down, or be hostile to one another just because you have a difference of opinion.
Of course it goes without saying that physical violence – grabbing, shoving, or any other means of physical assault is out of the question.
Unfortunately, when we become passionate about our views we act in ways that we come to regret afterwards. Husbands and wives should sit down before the conflicts occur and establish rules of conduct for when they disagree. This way we ensure that we deal with our differences in a respectful manner. We certainly cannot expect more from our children’s behavior than we do from ourselves.
3. Discover the Source of your Anger
There are times that we allow emotions to simmer until they boil over. There comes a huge blow-up and we have no idea why this fight became so hostile. The problem is that we are angry about other things and all the emotion comes out now. We both think that we are fighting about spending Sunday with your parents but deep inside I am resentful of your late nights in the office and I have been furious that you keep missing dinner. Or I mention that we have an invitation to go out with couples and you lose it. What I don’t know is that you are brewing from the last time we went out and feel that I totally invalidated you in front of our friends. We never resolved the issue and just held onto the bad feelings.
Don’t allow emotions to go unchecked. If you are upset, communicate with your spouse in a respectful way. Otherwise, you will find yourself exploding and overreacting. This type of fighting quickly becomes all-consuming as pent up anger threatens to overtake the conversation.
4. Be Solution Oriented
Many fights are just accusations, complaints or criticisms flung against each other. We’ve got to stop playing the blame game and learn to live in unity. Life will bring us challenges. No one is immune. Arguing about whose fault it is accomplishes zero. Instead of going back and forth, decide to seek solutions together. The way to do this is after we communicate our emotions, instead of just leaving the discussion with bad feeling, practice good communication skills. If you have a sarcastic edge, bite your tongue. Take a moment and reflect back what you believe your spouse is trying to tell you. Try to consider your partner’s perspective; you cannot always be right. Resolve that you both attempt to bring a solution to the table and discuss the ways you can make this work. Once you do find resolution – be it an apology and forgiveness, a fresh approach in dealing with work and money issues, a more effective discipline plan – do not go backwards and bring up old complaints. Solutions bring us forward. Do not rehash old arguments.
Hostile fighting depletes us and destroys the most precious relationship that we have. We can resolve our disagreements respectfully and create an atmosphere of peace despite our differences.
(19) Jasmine Peter, August 12, 2016 1:05 AM
I agree with all that is suggested but what if we are dealing with a person who likes to bring up the source of argument over and over again, and threatens you if you dare to answer him back ,my husband always say things like 'you think you know me, well you don't, don't think you're so perfect....I give you chance ,don't taste me' , for me I don't like hearing those harsh word, please advice me on this ,how do I deal with it, urgently. We always quarrel ,in a month nearly every two weeks, happiness never does last long , I am constantly scare if I have done or say something wrong or he will burst out at me.
(18) jeff, September 9, 2015 3:29 AM
easier said than done
The first step in my case is to determine competence of the other person to be able to have an adult conversation. In my case my wife. Will try to deliberately take a neutral something personal and cry and tantrum. Completely shut the conversations hope down. So no conversations take place. I just try and keep her living her LA LA land so that she doesn't implode. My biggest mistake is still trying to be honest with her as she refers to me as a liar. Even keyed my car with "liar" on the trunk door. Denies it still the last time I checked. But the timing of a certain blowup fight and the words liar keyed into my car is more than coincidence. Especially when I was at home. Her mental competence is not to par for a normal conversation do to her unchecked emotions and that makes it comparable to taming a hippo. She is only :black and white, no grey area ,do or don't. With no thoughts of other more likely outcomes. And she calls me stubborn . lol fml
(17) Mrs K Quinn, August 28, 2015 9:18 AM
Bringing up the past
How can I get my husband to stop bringing up my past mistakes some from as long as 25 years ago. I have changed my life around and I am worn down and finding it harder and harder to cope with. I don't know if I can live the rest of my life saying sorry.
(16) Wahab Olawale, May 31, 2015 4:45 PM
Please how do I handle a relationship whereby my girlfriend have no trust in me @all. She always get furious when ever I talk to any woman. She goes to the extend of picking my calls, deleting any lady's contact on my phone, sending messages to who ever she feel is my concubine. This has actually caused me a lot of pains and loss of money from pple who love me. After pleasing herself with her behavior she comes to beg as if she will not repeat such again, instead she still repeat the same. What can I do to make this relationship work.
(15) anu, May 10, 2015 6:28 PM
i need an advice on how 2 help a couple who loves 2 fight
couple of nowaday should pls make marriage an interesting affair inorder 4 we upcoming youth 2 find lovely
(14) guru, January 27, 2015 3:32 PM
never convict her mistake and not read to ask sorry...
when ever we have a fight about personal things...or with general matters and discussions..and we use to split in talks,,,,she never asks excuses nor sorries even its about a clear mistake on her mistakes on her side...she easily overcomes the behaviour by not talking with me....and the eveytime we u to join in talk only i have to come down to her to tell and explain the matter about the whole thing....she only says i have it in my heart,,,no need to explains,,,but i need well explainations in words...these countinuing about ten years...wat should i do/.
(13) Anonymous, November 15, 2014 3:42 PM
NEVER AGREED ON ANYTHING I SAY
NO MATTER WHAT EVIDENCE I SHOW, MY SPOUSE IS SO RIDGED IN MIND THAT SHE HAS NEVER LOOKED AT THE EVIDENCE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T STAND TO BE EVER WRONG.
(12) Anonymous, July 31, 2013 4:43 PM
confused. How does one just "grit their teeth" when they know their husband is wrong
I too have been living with a husband who feels he is always right and insists we do things his way, even though experience has shown that his way usually may not have been the correct direction to take. We have encountered loss of money and friends because we did it his way. Yes I do try to open his eyes to help him see that his choices may be unwise. I do it in a calm soft voice without attacking him or putting him down. No matter how I try to say things in a loving way he takes it as an attack and says I am screaming at him and nasty and accuses me of taking other peoples side. I am frustrated because my opinion should count and I was given a brain to think and am entitled to my opinion. I do end up stepping back and gritting my teeth, holding back the tears (if I am able to ) however it makes me feel sad and angry that my opinion does not matter. So my question is, how do you grit your teeth and still feel good about yourself? We all need to feel loved and respected and stepping back and agreeing with a controlling (loving at times) husband who may be making poor decisions that can hurt us does not create love and respect in my heart and mind.I really would like to learn how to block out the yelling and insults and negativity and accusations that I am attacking and shouting when that is the furthest thing from my mind. All I want is peace, and all I have in my heart is love and the desire to please. Also how do you hold onto feelings of love when you are treated in a demeaning manner? Do you still have self respect? Please understand I am not ridiculing you, I really need to understand. I will attempt to step back and grit my teeth, as you suggested. Perhaps a peaceful home is a loving home. Thanks
Kristle Ann tanis, November 7, 2014 2:31 AM
Oh I so feel u we need to talk an maybe help eachother .....
(11) John Hughes, July 22, 2013 3:11 PM
Slovie,I apologize for not writing sooner . After reading your article I went to Mexico , it was there when I realized that I didn't thank you for another wonderful article . As usual you write when I need it . All your articles are saved in my phone so I have a reference library . Once again I can't thank you enough.
(10) scott, July 18, 2013 6:06 AM
If all else fails
In general I agree with most of that.
However, about a year ago my wife and I were fighting and it was out of control. Looking back it was really scary. We'd been up most of the night and I'd had enough. At nine in the morning I went online found a marriage counselor that would meet with us on a walk in basis. In my craziness I thought that this woman would listen to what I was saying and tell my wife that she was wrong (she was by the way-very wrong- and she sees it now) and that's how we'd solve things.
What happened was a standard intake session...family of origin and all that psycho-babble. When we couldn't calm down she started talking about meds for me and if we'd considered a trial separation...we thought it was just another fight and this woman was ridiculous. We hated her. Finally something we agreed upon. We walked out and talked and realized that it was a big deal. It was a wake up call.
We pretty much follow the rules you set above these days. And we actually get along. Today we are on our way back to the states to visit family-traveling is something I hate and she's disorganized about and therefore historically a good excuse to fire up a big fight, but we were sitting on the balcony this morning just enjoying each others company. There's 37 crises happening as I write this..but my marriage is not one of them . Life is better.
One day I'm gonna find that counselor and thank her...we were so out of it we don't even remember her name...paid in cash. She has no idea what that meeting did for us. Probably looks in the paper each morning for our picture on the police blotter.
But sometimes bringing in a third party to act as a mirror can help you see the ugliness. It's a strategy that I wouldn't use except as a last resort and certainly not with a person connected to you in any way. But it did work for us that one time.
(9) Jacob, July 15, 2013 10:45 AM
worst enemy
Slovie says that marriage is "living with our best friend." Maybe it is for some people. For many or most people, I think, marriage is living with our worst enemy. Maybe sometimes it's both.
Helen, February 9, 2014 4:22 PM
There are so many personalities in life and so many messed up childhoods that you start off as best friends and end up enemies. Our society tells us that we must stay together, we must work it out. We celebrate 25 years together, 50 years together, how WONDERFUL! Meanwhile was it 25 happy years, rarely. I guess someone has 25 happy years, at least they say they do, I'm at 25 years and we are not happy. We're not even friends, nevermind best friends. I would say enemies is right on target at this point. I've tried all of the things in this article but my husband spends his time angry and alone. I know he's in a depression, I wish he would know it. I just go out with my family alone most days.
(8) Anonymous, July 11, 2013 6:37 PM
Frustrated
I am newly engaged and i've known my finance since we were children. I am now in my early 30's. I am frustrated with the arguments. He thinks he is always right, I think I am always right, he thinks I am too argumentative but doesn't it take 2 to argue? He is sensitive. I am as well, but less so. He always feels attacked even when I am in no way attacking. Do I always have to just give in and say ok? Why is it that he gets to "win?" I know that ultimately, if I do give in even if I know he is wrong, he will come to realize I was right, but it's very difficult for me to give in....HELP!
Batsheva, July 11, 2013 7:56 PM
I understand you
when I was first married my husband kept saying"stop screaming at me" when in fact I did not raise my voice even one bit. what he was really saying was stop arguing with me. My husband thinks that if he feels strongly about something then I must give in. Through time I have realized that for marriage sake and for the kids and for my happiness I do not argue with my husband about anything. Luckily my husband is very agreeable and never gets upset with what am doing. He gets angry at the kids but even if I want him to stop punishing him or anything I need to know that if I disagree with him it is a big story. we will inevitably not speak to each other for about 2 to 3 days afterwards. I guess my husband believes that a wife must back her husband. So for the most part I do. I just don't argue> A smart wife remains a WIFE I could fight this but then I guess I may not be anyone wife. Don't be right be smart. Fight only about THE MOST IMPORTANT issues. Just grit your teeth and believe me YOU will be happier. It takes practice but try it for at least 2 months. Just go with your husband on everything except the most important issues that you really are a principle for you. You will not feel like a Chinese housewife. You will see that you have a home of peace. In the end, men want to lead and women want to follow. Good luck.
(7) esther, July 8, 2013 4:15 PM
thanks slovie
Married for 14 years 7 kids Separated for 7 months Tried again for 9 years Took medication to Copé with the pain In order to be w with my kids Spent thousands on therapy Separated again He took the kids away from me Told him i was starting divorce procedures He just said ok... This is my life slovie
Anonymous, July 9, 2013 11:24 PM
There is hope
I feel for your situation. May the father Abraham, Issac, and Israel permit a wonderful conclusion to this situation.
(6) Leah, July 8, 2013 1:36 AM
A good marraige can have differences with respect!
(5) Anonymous, July 8, 2013 12:37 AM
Also, good piece of advice
I received a good piece of advice from our rabbi: you don't have to have closure to every disagreement or issue. This means that you can close a 'fight' or misunderstanding without really getting to the bottom of what did or didn't happen, or what was or wasn't said, etc. You just agree that you are OK with each other and sorry and that is enough. This advice has saved me from a lot of heartache. Especially fights that start with a mis-heard or misunderstood comment that resulted in a defensive push-back from your spouse.
Anonymous, July 8, 2013 9:55 PM
reply to: Also, a good piece of advice
Thanks for this strategy. It makes a lot of sense to let go, and be in Grace, but this is also a great way to put it. DL
Julia, July 9, 2013 9:10 PM
I agree
I agree with Anonymous 100%; unless you hav to make a decison or take action, you DON'T have to get to the bottom of what did or didn't happen. You CAN agree ti disagree. Let pece reign!
(4) anonymous, July 8, 2013 12:36 AM
what if
what if your husband is not your best friend? I am not sure that Judaism has that secular value
Anonymous, July 8, 2013 4:25 PM
My husband is not my best friend because when I bring up a hurt feeling he reacts by punishing me by isolating himself, not Joining us for dinner, blaming me for spoiling his day and so we never resolve our difficulties, with friends we share our feelings and work on a mutual agreement to resolve our problems. Help I feel hopeless we are married over thirty years and would not be willing to end the marriage but work on accepting a life of sadness, loneliness and pain.
Dvirah, July 9, 2013 5:09 PM
Values
There are no "secular" values. All "humanitarian" values are internalizations of the ethical values found in the Torah. According to which, one's spouse should certainly be a "best friend" - which means mutual trust and giving on both sides. Unfortunately, people have a habbit of taking their closest ones for granted; this can ultimately cause lost friends as well as lost spouses.
Daniel Breslow, July 10, 2013 12:38 AM
What if
Your husband is not your best friend? Why did you marry him then? My wife and I will be celebrating our 32ND anniversary very soon. I can't imagine being married to someone else. Doesn't even enter my thought process. Like I tell my wife, "I may not like you all the time but I always love you!" What do you mean your husband isn't your best friend?
Raisy, July 10, 2013 10:09 PM
Re'eim Ahuvim
One of the seven blessings, Sheva B'rachot, said under the chuppah refers to 're'eim ahuvim' -- beloved friends. Ideally husband and wife would be the dearest of friends.
(3) Anonymous, July 8, 2013 12:24 AM
So true!
(2) Kate Gladstone, July 7, 2013 4:31 PM
Big question neglected
So, once a person has decided to follow these rules, what happens when the other person disagrees with these rules and will not use them?
Anonymous, July 8, 2013 3:57 PM
Kate, I have no answer to you excellent question.....does anyone care to respond?
Yehudith Shraga, July 9, 2013 11:27 PM
You may not like the answer !
We have to start our correction UNCONDITIONALLY, we may not give the terms for this process, even more, the Kabbalaists speak about the four kinds of attitude to the life, which are: 1.to get for the sake of getting 2.to bestow for the sake of getting 3.to bestow for the sake of bestowing 4.to get for the sake of bestowing The 1st one is the lowest. The 2nd one is the case of your question, where you are ready to bestowing attitude, BUT ON THE CONDITION that you are going to receive the equal attitude from your spouse. Well, it doesn't work so, because if it did, there would be no place for the 3rd level of spiritual development called to bestow for the sake of bestowing, which means that NO MATTER WHAT, you start the process, and you do not ask for anything in return!, when you learn this absolutely new for your ego attitude to the life, the 4th level of spiritual development will be bestowed on you by the Creator, which is called to get for the sake of bestowing=you will get your wish granted, because you have become a different person all together, a person who is able of the correct attitude to the world around, no matter what the other part of the population is still exercising. Out of all the four stages of the spiritual development, the 3rd one is the most difficult and most unbearable to our ego, but it is the 3rd stage which is the key stage to your world to Come, the world of mutual respect and love.
(1) Yehudith Shraga, July 7, 2013 8:25 AM
Wonderful article
Easy to say, difficult to follow, and STILL we should try our best and implment these wise pieces of advice for the sake of our happiness and for the sake of the happiness of our children, because doing what should be done and not what out ego wants to do is the Face of real, true love to oneself and others.
Thank you, dear Slovie Jungreis-Wolff, for sharing your insights.