"I don't know about you", my wife told me last week, "but I am celebrating. We've been married twenty years and the study in the paper today says that we are past the hump, only 4% of us will get divorced."
"Not only that," she added, "but we really should celebrate, because 25% of all couples get divorced in the first four years of marriage and we have been married five times that! Looks like we made it!"
According to the recent Canadian Family Law Association Study of Divorce, 25% of all marriages will end in divorce during the first four years of marriage. Does that number shock us? It means that for every four weddings I go to, one will end in divorce. All those excited, happy faces, the couple standing seriously under the huppah, watching as all of their friends, all of their families come together to participate in the start of a new family -- one fourth of them will not make it.
The numbers seem to be almost the same among Jews as among non-Jews. It doesn't seem to matter. Rich, poor, Jewish, gentile the study says one fourth of all marriages dissolve within four years.
Funny though. I remember my mother telling me when I was a teenager in the late sixties, "Jews don't get divorced." She was right; in the small town I lived in I only knew two Jewish families who had divorced parents. What happened in that quarter century? What proved my mother wrong? To quote Mr. Dylan, "the times they are a changing."
What has caused such a drastic and sweeping change in one of the most important undertakings of our life?
There are many reasons. However, in my 15 years of marriage counselling I would say that there is one overriding factor that is found in many of these failed and troubled marriages. I believe that we have learned to be "takers."
TV, commercials, billboards, magazines all entice us to take. "You deserve it," "Just do it," "Take a break," "Do what you want" and other catchy slogans enticing one to take what they want, do what they want, think of themselves.
Too bad the Torah doesn't have its own billboards. It teaches us to give, not to take. It tells us that if everyone gives, everyone receives. The difference between physical intimacy and love, I told my son before his wedding, is all in your head. If your intimacy is an act of giving to your spouse, then it is love. If you only think of yourself, then it is just a self-serving physical act. Intimacy can be holy when it becomes an act of supreme giving and love within marriage.
When two people take, they are not a couple; they are two individuals -- each alone even when they're together.
If our life becomes one act of taking after another we lose our connection to each other. If we both give, our connection is solid. When two people give, both receive. When two people take, they are not a couple; they are two individuals -- each alone even when they're together.
Giving to one another creates and nurtures a real connection.
Giver and takers, that is what it boils down to. Simple to understand, but not simple to do. There is no magic pill for a troubled marriage. But the effort is incredibly worthwhile.
Perhaps our lack of shock at the high percentage of divorce is due to the fact that we have become used to how society teaches us to take.
Sometimes even with the best people with the best intentions, the marriage doesn't work and then divorce is a blessing. A chance to try again, to find happiness. But the alarming rate of divorce means there is a fundamental problem in how many of us approach marriage and relationships.
We can do something about it. We can start with ourselves. We can become givers. "Just as the Almighty does, so shall you do," quotes the Talmud. "As the Almighty gives, so shall we give". Let us think about what someone else deserves. Let us think about "Just do It" and give to our spouse. Let us think about how they feel.
Each act of giving is like a strand in a rope. They give, we give and together we build the bond that lasts, a rope that binds two individuals into a couple.
Today we consider it pretty good when 75% of all marriages make it for four years. Let's not settle for these figures. If we learn to become givers, in a few years we can once again prove Mother Rothman's law that "Jews, well Jews, they don't get divorced."
(19) Lisa, June 21, 2017 11:33 PM
My spouse is a giver!!
He gives me heartache everyday!! He also gives me a full serving of toxic anger & dessert is a heaping serving of financial abuse!! I wish I had those other issues in your well written article, however I think my path to divorce is very valid. Why would anyone want to stay married to someone who gets angry way too quickly & withholds family funds! Life is full of twists & turns! Our job is to learn to navigate them... Perhaps with a tablespoon or 2 of humor!!
(18) Anonymous, May 15, 2016 12:48 PM
A taker who feels she has nothing to give
I have a friend who has made herself unpopular with her criticisms and observations of others.
Isolated and lonely, she feels she has nothing to give.
She is no longer young.
Can she be helped?
(17) Anonymous, August 10, 2012 12:38 AM
Don't assume you have it made...We were married 48 years dated 2 before marriage. In Aug 2011, I found out he had revived a love from 1968. He is 67 she is 45. They were seeing each other at least 5 years before I found out. Very good deceiver...I kicked him out and he went to live with her ...he has been over there 8 months now. Says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I pray you will not have to go thru this..It is like dying, because I still love him.
annonymous, October 6, 2013 8:14 AM
so sorry this happened to you.
I pray that you will heal from this. You deserve happiness. Hashem wants us to choose life & happiness. I truly understand your pain because I just finished my civil divorce with a man that molested my daughter and he refuses to give me my Get. Yet he is dating a woman and I am embarrassed to say that I have been jealous. But I am working on stopping my jealousy. It is hard but I know that while I may be in pain, Hashem doesn't want me to suffer by nurturing jealousy. We must chose life and direct our energies toward what WILL make us happy. And that does not mean running and wishing after what we can't have. KOACH OF TEFILLOT.
(16) Aa, August 5, 2012 2:55 PM
Divorce can be good
Why does everyone seem to associate divorce with misery? Ok so you didn't marry the rigtht match first time around. That says nothing about commitment, but rather that you are now mature enough to get ours of a bad situation. And ok so more people are divorcing now- well I personally lived in a conservative neighborhood and family where almost no one divorced. so many of the spouses were miserable and stayed just because of social pressures. I believe in marriage, but not an unhappy or unhealthy one.
(15) Anonymous, August 13, 2010 12:57 AM
not accurate
yes a marrige is about giving,nevertheless that cant be the platform on which to build a marrige.Unity, to be one,is the basis of marriage life.
(14) Anonymous, July 11, 2007 11:18 PM
more unhappy marraiges?
I've begun to wonder about the statistics from "once upon a time". My own grandparents never divorced, altho communication between them was nil for years. Also there were more single-parent households due to death. Maybe the marraiges weren'f that great then either and people now are just more aware?
(13) SB, May 2, 2007 9:39 AM
Marriage is 50/50 NOT!
One of the major misconceptions is that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. This is a goyish concept and completely false. By believing that one ONLY has to give 50% of themselves to another or meeting someone only part way, they completely miss the point and miss out. What if the spouse needs the other 50% what is not being offered or given.
The Jewish concept of marriage is that we each give to our spouse 100% love, devotion and committment. In this way of always giving wholly and completely, we are also guaranteed to receive wholly and completely. Because if each spouse is giving unconditionally, without limits and without waiting or measuring to see what they are getting in return, then we are always also receiving from our spouse 100%. They are getting our 100% and we are receiving theirs.
(12) Anonymous, January 3, 2006 12:00 AM
I don't mean to contradict but.......
this article is amazing and in all is true, however i must point out one misleading point. Rabbi J. A. Rothman says that this divorce rate is among Jews and non-jews alike. Statistics however state that the divorce rate amongst orthodox Jew is lower on a huge scale. the divorce rate amongst orthodox jews is nowhere near one in four (25%), it is not even as high as one in ten (10%). thank you
(11) Anonymous, May 23, 2005 12:00 AM
Divorce was such a blessing...
Thank you Rabbi Rothman for a great article. It touched my heart and it was appreciated.
Chaya Sarah
(10) Allison Beaton, June 24, 2004 12:00 AM
Divorce in never a blessing
When giving and loving how God loves, divorce should never be an option. I would never expect God to desert me no matter how angry I may make him at times. Forgiveness, patience, and unconditional love is the key. When your love to your spouce becomes conditional, things will begin to fall apart.
(9) Dr.Jose Nigrin, June 17, 2004 12:00 AM
Averting divorce
In playing with divorce, the role of children in the family, is a strong deterrent for averting this situation, besides all the other reasons mentioned in this article. Having children, makes a marriage more favorable to the ups and downs, of family life.
(8) Rivka Shlesinger, Israel, January 30, 2003 12:00 AM
Giving is not all....
Talking about giving is nice, but as some of the comments show, the giver might be the used one who ends up giving without getting back. Mutual respect and understanding is essential for giving and living together as well. We are all talking about "Chessed", true chessed beginns at home. The clean kichen in the morning is much nicer than a big mess. The hot meal at the right time can do so much. It is not important to start with the big things. The little good deeds are making a daily live happy. And let's not forget, the "thank you" for every little chessed is also giving!
Anonymous, October 16, 2012 4:59 AM
So true....
That's how it's been with my "husband." He's never really loved me; he just loved being loved by me. I do almost everything for our family while he often sits on his butt chilling without doing anything productive for days and weeks. Instead of appreciation for what I do I get yelled at for what hasn't been done yet. I've cut him a lot of slack over the years because he has depression and ADD and just gave and gave and gave. Nevertheless I've made a valiant effort to keep our marriage together. He, on the other hand, has decided to dump me because some incompetent "therapists" told us we're not a match, instead of actually giving us therapy.
(7) David, December 18, 2002 12:00 AM
Reciprocity
I would think that if one person is constantly on the giving side, that is he or she has completely internalized your message, he or she will eventually break. There should be communication aimed at making both parties aware of each others needs. While at the same time each party should focus only on what he or she can give.
(6) Linda McMullen Marcy, December 18, 2002 12:00 AM
Truth!
I sent this to my soon to be married son. I pray that he takes it to heart. I am one of the blessed I've been married since 1972 & know it takes commitment... being a Giver is the perfect explanation.
(5) Anonymous, December 17, 2002 12:00 AM
Comment on the "Road to Divorce" Article
I am converting to Judaism. As a young girl and Catholic growing up I always heard, "Catholics, well Catholics, they don't get divorced. Sad to say divorce crosses all strata of our society. Thanks for the great article and the meaning of committment!
(4) Anonymous, December 16, 2002 12:00 AM
give us specific guidelines
this is an exellent article, which targets the root of most modern divorces. Speaking of giving however, it would be most helpful if the author gave specific examples about how to give, or how to teach ourselves to be givers.
CR
(3) Shira, December 16, 2002 12:00 AM
Over the hump at 5 years?
As a lucky wife who has just celebrated her 5th anniversary, I read this article with interest. The main point, namely being a giver rather than a taker, is all too true. And it is sometimes too difficult, even for the most well-meaning couple. Despite the statistics, I don't feel comfortably over any hump just yet. I feel instead that it is up to me to make or break my marriage with how giving I choose to be each day. The bottom line is that giving is essential to improving the quality of one's marriage no matter how long one has been married.
(2) Joseph, December 16, 2002 12:00 AM
Todaravah!
Very nice,this site is helping me very
much.
kol tuv ,Joseph,Lebanon.
(1) Anonymous, December 16, 2002 12:00 AM
SIMPLISTIC
"Giver and takers, that is what it boils down to. Simple to understand, but not simple to do."
I don't know who you've been counseling but in my experience it is not so simple, not so black and white.
While it may be true that egotistic, selfish people are prime candidates for divorce (unless they change), there are nevertheless "givers" who are divorced or enduring difficult marriages.
Happiness in marriage depends on many factors in my experience, some of them spiritual -- e.g. a postive, cheerful attitude, bitachon, flexibility, as well as the ability to give, etc. -- and some of them material -- money resolves many problems (see Koheles), attractiveness to one's mate is a prerequisite in halacha, etc.
Unfortunately, many books, articles and lectures these days tend to overlook the complexities that go into making a happy, successful marriage. I myself have been guilty of this in the past.