Time may anesthetize and conceal, but it doesn't uproot pain nor bury loss. It doesn't repair hurt and neglect.
Healing is not passive.
It doesn't work on us like the process of aging, sneaking up on us through the cumulative seconds and minutes of our lives. As we "slip slide" through life, a mysterious, merciful force does not eradicate our suffering nor does it persuade us to forgive. A marital crisis doesn't suddenly happen, nor does it miraculously disappear. You can't escape from its pain without suffering greater consequences, trivialize its impact without strenghthening its negative affect nor define it as a temporary glitch without causing it to become a chronic problem.
The power to heal is a gift and an obligation.
The gift of healing is the power to transform the darkest moments in our lives into a source of light and wisdom. All of nature is imprinted with a code that determines its development. Only the human species is granted consciousness and choice -- an integrated psychological and spiritual force that enables us to transcend the weight of circumstance, to view the myriad happenings of our lives with compassion and perspective and to choose a new direction that is more closely aligned with our deepest wishes and desires.
The obligation to heal is the commitment to full personal responsibility. It is the statement that I am not at the mercy of circumstance.
The obligation to heal is the commitment to full personal responsibility. It is the statement that I am not at the mercy of circumstance. Events don't determine my inner or outer reactions. Life may throw me some major curve balls, yet the choice of how I deal with those difficulties are mine and mine alone. I can view myself as a victim of circumstance or as a student of life, in which every condition and situation, be it good or bad, is an opportunity to learn and grow. Any fool can blame others for his behavior. Integrity means standing up and acknowledging responsibility and having the courage to act according to one's deepest values and principles.
I never know for sure whether a husband and wife are prepared to dig into the heart and soul of their relationship in order to pass through the hurt and anger to a place of forgiveness and renewal. I'm not certain if they will make the commitment to restore trust and confidence in each other. Nor do I know for sure that they are ready to rebuild their relationship on a foundation of truth and honesty.
Nevertheless, I know that if they'll hang in there through this very difficult period, they will grow both individually and as a couple. If you are experiencing a crisis in your marriage, I would advise you to fight for your marriage because if you do, then you'll have a reasonable chance of succeeding.
Fight for your marriage because if you do, then you'll have a reasonable chance of succeeding.
The following is from a letter I wrote to a couple in crisis. (Their names and details have been changed to insure anonymity.)
Kate had developed a correspondence with a man named Eric whom she had met on the Internet at a time when her relationship with her husband Dan was at a very low point. The newly found relationship did not bode well for Kate's marriage.
"Kate, I admire your courage and integrity. Yes, integrity. You chose to end the relationship with Eric without any guarantees from Dan that he would be willing to work on the marriage. To me, this takes courage and integrity.
"Living according to your principles and values is more essential to you than fulfilling your personal needs. With your relationship with Eric, you rejected your personal integrity because you were hungry for emotional closeness. Yet, you've learned a great lesson: There is no true happiness without self-respect and honor.
I don't know if you would put it in these words but I think you learned something about time and relationships. You know many of us in America live in a culture that has no past. Everything is now and new and things move at warp speed. There's no tradition, no memory and no sense that this too shall pass. We live to experience the pleasure of the moment. The reckonings of our lives and the evaluation of our relationships are based on a simple calculation: Does the sum pleasure that I experience now exceed the pain and discomfort?
"I believe you rediscovered your past. You learned that a marriage is more than a simple commitment to one person. It's a complex web of relationships, shared memories and experiences. It's about more than just meeting your needs. It's about creating family; it's about doing those small, daily acts of kindness for your partner that say, 'I love you' in action, as well as words.
"You came back from this crisis ready to work. No matter how difficult your problems may be, if Dan will take the risk to join you, then I am confident that your marriage will succeed -- despite the odds."
"Let me offer you one last piece of advice: Be understanding and patient with Dan. You've hurt him deeply and he will probably test you for some time before he'll be willing to open up. Try not to react negatively. The irony for both of you is that he will view you as the source of his pain while at the same time he'll be wanting you to be understanding and supportive."
To Dan I would say the following:
"Dan, I understand how deeply hurt and angry you are. It would be easier for you if you didn't love Kate, if you could convince yourself that you don't care. But that's not the case. Perhaps your pride is telling you, 'Leave her! Let her understand that she can't get away with this.' Maybe you think that your fear of being alone stops you from ending the marriage. If so, then I guess you'd be angry with yourself for being weak and indecisive.
"Dan, the hardest part for you is acknowledging that you still love Kate. It's like pouring salt on a wound. Yet, you wrote to her and said, 'See, Kate, what makes it so painful for me is that I still love you and I still carry around memories of us in love.' Anger is your protection against further pain. It's also a barrier to healing. You found the courage to be vulnerable, the strength to be you.
"This key may open the door to a new relationship with Kate.
"You have a great challenge: For you and Kate to grow through and beyond this ordeal you must learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not denial, nor is it a form of mental gymnastics in which you make so many excuses for Kate's behavior that emotional infidelity becomes no more significant than a conflict over a failure to record a check entry.
"To forgive you must embrace the truth. Kate's relationship is not commendable. However, your failure to recognize her needs and your unwillingness to be there for her contributed to your marital problems. It was her choice to have this relationship. It was your choice to neglect the marriage. Are they equivalent 'sins'? No, but you must understand that her dishonesty occurred within a context of marital discord and you must take responsibility for your part.
"The Kate who stands before you today is not the same person who had the relationship. It took the shame of being disloyal for her to rediscover what she really wants, to prioritize the values in her life. She chose to be with you. I would strongly encourage you to focus on who Kate is today, not on who she was. Let your trust in her build. Give yourself permission to see her as she is now. Don't let your imagination dwell on her lack of faithfulness.
"Letting go is not easy. There will be days when you'll want to hurt her, to make her suffer for her transgressions, and then there will be periods when you will be able to love again, when you'll feel that it's all behind you, when you might even think that perhaps this crisis was exactly what you needed in order to find each other.
"Dan, you can get through this. You can learn to be a loving husband and you can learn to forgive. It's all a choice and it's within you to make that choice."
To both Dan and Kate I would say:
"You may need help through this process. It's possible that you may become stuck in your hurt and anger and lose your way. Try not to despair or lose hope. I would suggest that you decide now that if that happens, you will go into marital therapy. A mutual decision to seek counseling is a positive statement about your commitment to one another and recognition of the difficult challenge you have before you.
"A couple can heal a marriage broken by neglect and deceit. Through determination and will you can overcome the anger, the distance and the mistrust.
"Thirteen years ago, you were married. Today, you can begin to create a marriage."
(9) Anonymous, November 24, 2011 3:30 PM
how to heal the past hurts
So much abuse in the beginning and he got better. But too much pain underneath to forgive. Is is possible to forgive a spouse that hurt you and made you feel horrible about yourself?
(8) Anonymous, October 8, 2009 3:07 AM
#4 I agree, I was married to someone who has many problems. I didn't see how bad things were between us, but he did and made those problems public to his family and community. We went to therapy, but he had already made the decision to end it. It was so hard for me to accept because I was willing to work on things. When he told me it was over i was crushed. It wasn't until i was back in my parents home that I realized how bad everything was and how he had never really loved me and he had been abusing me emotionally. Divorce is not a happy thing, but I'm only so thankful that he was so quick to decide or I would have been stuck with a scary person for a long time. We were only married two months and this just happened so it's very painful but I know B'ezras Hashem I will find that loving man very soon!
(7) Kim, August 30, 2008 3:34 AM
God hates divorce
People are always looking any reason to end a marriage. With exception of physical violence and issues of this nature, (although God can heal it all)marriage should be saved. Divorce was designed for those who developed a hardened heart-basically turned away from God. If a person is in God as they should be, divorce would not be an issue. People are lazy these days and do not want to go through anything or work at things. This is why the divorce rate is as it is, because our society (even God's people) have convinced ourselves that divorce is a cure of some sort. OUTRAGEOUS! This article was encouraging.
(6) ajilon, January 21, 2005 12:00 AM
i am not married but hope to be soon. i am trying to understand my self more, so that I can share "me" with that special person. i seek guidance in identifying ways to introduce "me" to that idividual i will commmit to. i think your insights are great because they are coming from a rich culture that I respect so much. i think your culture has managed to preserve some of the family values that has been washed away with the Holly Wood waves of change and divorce.
(5) Anonymous, June 22, 2004 12:00 AM
Pre-emption
Perhaps we would have fewer problems with unhappy marriages in the "frum" community if the parents, rebbeim, morahs and peers didn't push teen-agers into getting married before they were ready. Perhaps the time should be spent by the rebbeim and teachers to prepare their kids for marriage before they push them to get engaged.
(4) Anonymous, June 22, 2004 12:00 AM
marital problems can be deeper than this
as a counselor I am seeing more & more marriages ending because one partner has Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial or Psychopathic Personality Disorder and in these cases - divorce is (in my opinion) a mitzvah for both the spouse and any children involved.
These sorts of people are abusers by nature. Some of it is unconcious. Marital therapy is great for sort term issues when both partners are being honest & WANT to work on it. But as one of the other posters here said, to many times I have heard about "starting over or starting a new life" and its founded on "it never happened" or a mutual cover up. Usually one of the spouses need LONG TERM, Psychiatric intervention and they don't want to expose themselves enough for long enough to really make a dent. I have had patients leave when they suddenly felt better about themselves, found a way to spin the problem to their advantage or have a burst of newfound observancy - which makes them appear more righteous. That is merely putting a new coat on a rotting heap.
Until both partners can make a fearless moral inventory, stop trying to rewrite the past and be honest - nothing will happen but eventually - more of the same abuse will inevitably occur.
Sex addiction, drug addiction, work addiction - are the symptoms of a deeper problem. And to truly do teshuva and make amends - the wrong doer has to be willing to be available to those they wrong for as long as it takes to work it out. In this throw away society, too many people just want to varnish over what was done and press on and run as far from their troubles and the truth as they can.
Dr. Tobin makes some wonderful points but infidelity is usually a cry for help and sometimes divorce is a mitzvah. Not everyone was meant to be married.
(3) Anonymous, June 20, 2004 12:00 AM
Not all marriages can be healed
Sometimes one partner is not willing to forget but to use the problem as a weapon to hammer their partner for years into submission. Verbal abuse & emotional abuse can slowly but surely take the life out of a marriage and when one partner is more concerned with control and being right - sometimes the relationship must end.
There is also the marriage were one partner has done horrible things and decides to lie and cover up their misdeeds. The other partner willingly or desperately buys these lies, which allows their partner to continue lying. Lying is no way to start anew. Blaming others is no way to have a marriage. Involving your partner in abuse by proxy (such as blaming the Other Man/Woman in an affair) is also not taking personal responsibility.
Dr.Tobin's article is very good but misses some harsh realities. Judaism sometimes encourages keeping the couple together for the sake of the family - but sometimes it is best for all, even the children, for the couple to split and try to remain active partners in their children's lives while not hurting each other anymore.
Making amends is difficult. I have seen partners run from their misdeeds and spouses help them run. These things have to be faced and they need to available to everyone involved to work things through... not run away, blame, or try to act like it "never happened."
Thank you for tackling a tough subject.
(2) Anonymous, June 20, 2004 12:00 AM
Been there and made it through.
My husband and I went through a similar crisis 6 years ago. I became emotionally involved trying to help a young man. I came to realize that this was hurting our relationship and my relationship with Hashem. I told the young man that I was unable to help him anymore and counseled him to return to his parents.
My husband and I worked very hard to restore the wonderful relationship we had developed. Now we are soon to celebrate our 26th anniversary. When BOTH are willing to work at it, relationships can usually be restored.
(1) Anonymous, June 20, 2004 12:00 AM
Dr. Tobin's article DOES NOT apply to all marital problems!
Dr. Tobin's article may pertain to a couple in marital strife due to infidelity. However,his advise absolutely cannot apply to strife which occures due to abuse within the relationship.
I can speak directly about this...a couple that is very close to me is currently starting the separation proccess that should have begun 26 years ago. The husband was EXTREMELY verbally and emotionally abusive and sometimes even physically abusive. The wife had to maintain her composure, since she had little children in the house, she endured the abuse. For the past few months, she's been seeing all sorts of psychologists on how to help him. She begged him to come with her so that he could be helped...she was only met with negativity, blame & ridicule...saying that it's her fault that he acts the way he does and also blaming his low blood sugar and high blood pressure for his problems. She continued going to therapy on her own to see whether she could salvage her mariage. Now that her children are older, (one married, a 22 y.o. son and a 14 y.o. daughter) and the abuse has led to her husband literally kicking the 22 y.o. child out of the house for no reason, the mother decided that it was time to take real action. Lucky for her, her husband decided that it was time for him to move out of the house, and to take the only car that they owned, so that he could "teach his wife a lesson". That's when she started reading about abusive relationships, how to handle them, in addition to continued visits w/marital therpists. She got a divorce lawyer and will soon file for a legal separation. Meawhile her husband has begged her to let him move back into the house, he cried to her...saying that he didn't mean to kick his son out of the house, he didn't mean to say the horrendous things that he said. That he was always faithful to her, he never drank, never gambled, was a good provider...(he didn't realise that verbally & emotionally abusing his spouse & children on a daily basis was a bad thing). By the way, he was brought up in a home in which both of his parents were verbally, physically & emotionally abusive and have absolutely no concept of what a normal marriage is...they're holocaust survivors that married out of neccesity & they pretty much just live with each other... they don't even communicate...unless they're exchanging ugly words or yelling at each other...there's no option of divorce for them, because they've basically lived the majority of their lives this way and have produced children with these "values".
Anyway, the man in this relationship is a typical abuser...and all of the therapeutic help will not help him...because in order for behavioral change to take place, the actual person has to want to help themselves. He is completely in denial of all of the horrendous things he said and did to his wife and children. His wife & children lived 26 years of abuse...not one day went by without unneccessary criticism and yelling. There was no nurturing environment for his family. Some of his kids actually exibit his callous personality, although they started out as sweet, wonderful children.
In conclusion, it is very important to understand that not all marriages can be salvaged unless BOTH partners are looking to make very major behavioral changes. The first step to that is the abuser fully realises what damage he did to his spouse and family and to uproot his behavior and never do it again...It's practically impossible to do this. And for the abused spouse to have to be "good" and "stand by" this despicable abuser while he makes unbelievably slow progress towards any change, is not an option. Each and every person in the world has freedom of choice and must take responsiblity for their own happiness. If that means making a proactive choice of physically and legally divorcing oneself from an abusive spouse, then that's what it may have to be. Not all divorces are bad...some are very neccessary!