A number of years ago, a nationally syndicated cartoon ran the following comic strip. Two men are sitting at a bar drinking beer. While his friend pays rapt attention, one of the men shares a recent personal revelation. "If I had known what marriage was going to be like, I would have joined the debating team in high school."
Hopefully for most people, marriage is not one long debate. But there are times in every marriage when spouses feel that they are not communicating effectively with each other.
The most obvious example is when couples are quarreling or fighting much too often. A less obvious, but not less common, example of ineffective communication is when one or both spouses feels misunderstood, unappreciated, disregarded or disrespected.
When couples are not communicating effectively, when they are not getting most of their basic needs met in the marriage, I try to teach them one or more of the following four communication skills, which I believe are essential to success in marriage.
Being deficient in even one of these skills can significantly limit what you and your spouse can achieve in your relationship. Being deficient in more than one of these skills can put any marriage at risk.
1. EXPRESSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS CONSTRUCTIVELY
"Negative feelings" refers to those feelings which we generally do not enjoy hearing from others. They include: bitterness, resentment, disappointment and disapproval.
Just as there can be no hot without cold and no up without down, so too there can be no positive without negative. In order to have a successful marriage, therefore, it is necessary for you to know how to effectively express the inevitable negative feelings that you have towards your spouse. If, however, you express your negative feelings in an uncontrolled outburst of violent rage, the consequences for the rest of your family can be devastating. But even if your negative feelings are vented in a more controlled fashion, i.e. if you use sarcasm, ridicule or verbal assaults, the communication will be anything but effective.
Negative feelings have to be expressed in order for couples to be able to adapt and adjust to each other's needs. Holding in all negative feelings will do more harm than good, as tension builds up like an old fashioned pressure cooker.
Aaron is a good example of someone who never learned how to express negative feelings without attacking. Whenever he was upset about something his wife Sarah did or said, he would lash out at her with such venom in his voice and rage on his face that she was terrified. The next day, he would sulk in shame and embarrassment, promising himself and his wife that such outbursts would never be repeated.
One day, Aaron kept swallowing in every comment which Sarah made to him which he felt was disrespectful, derogatory or demeaning. Then, as he was standing in the kitchen, Sarah "stepped over his line" one more time by criticizing him in a manner which he felt was unfair.
Aaron could not control himself any longer. He "calmly" walked over to the sink, took the bottle of dishwashing liquid and squeezed some of it into the pot of spaghetti Sarah was cooking on the stove. Then he stormed out of the house.
Aaron mistakenly thought he could maintain peace at home simply by restraining all of his negative feelings. Many months after the soap-in-the-spaghetti episode, Aaron was still trying to pick up the pieces of the shattered trust between him and Sarah.
So what did Aaron do wrong? What mistakes did he make? And how should he have communicated to Sarah what was bothering him?
Rule #1: Don't exaggerate. Aaron was used to using words such as "always" and "never," which were clearly exaggerations.
Exaggerating helped Aaron let of steam, for sure. Nevertheless, by exaggerating his complaints, Aaron only succeeded in causing Sarah to tune him out. "I don't always do that," Sarah would think and sometimes say out loud, thereby convincing Aaron that he was, indeed, not being heard.
Rule #2: Don't mindread. Nothing is more infuriating than to be told that someone else knows better than you what you were really thinking. In spite of what you say to the contrary, someone is convinced that you had malicious motives or harmful intentions.
Rule #3: Use more "I" statements and less "You" statements. A criticism which begins with, "You…" generally introduces a comment which is perceived as an attack. For example, "You don't show me enough appreciation for all the housework that I do."
Sarah did not feel that she received enough appreciation from Aaron. And she was right. But by beginning her complaint with, "You…" she was eliciting more defensiveness in Aaron than empathy.
It would have been more effective if Sarah expressed her hurt feelings of being unappreciated with "I" statements, such as, "I wish you would acknowledge more often how much work I do at home to take care of you and the children."
Rule #4: Don't generalize. Be specific and try to give examples.
Vague, broad generalizations may make you feel that you have been all inclusive. It may even reassure you that you haven't left anything out. But while it may be very satisfying for the one venting his or her anger, it makes it difficult for your spouse to hear you.
2. LISTENING TO NEGATIVE FEELINGS NON-DEFENSILVELY
Hopefully, you realize that you are not the only one with negative feelings. Just as there are things your spouse does which bother you, there are things that you do which drive your spouse absolutely crazy. Whoops, I may have just broken Rule #1, above. On the other hand, in your particular case, it may not be an exaggeration at all!
In order to complete the communication loop so that messages are properly sent and received, it is necessary for all spouses to learn how to listen to negative feelings without becoming defensive. This is much harder than learning how to express negative feelings effectively. Nevertheless, for a marriage to succeed, both spouses must be able to hear each other's complaints without defensiveness.
"I only meant to…," "Do you know why I said that?" and "Well, you've done the same thing to me plenty of times," are all common examples of defensiveness.
What's wrong with being defensive? Isn't it a good thing to explain your actions and "set the record straight"?
Being defensive signals to your spouse that you are only concerned with being vindicated and not concerned about your spouse's feelings.
No, it's not a good thing. When you start listing all of the reasons why you shouldn't be blamed for some misdeed, you signal to your spouse that you are only concerned with being vindicated and you are not at all concerned about your spouse's feelings.
Suppose you were put in charge of keeping an eye on some chicken in the broiler. And you goofed. It got burned. Your spouse comes into the kitchen sniffing the air and says, "I smell smoke. Is something burning?"
You reply, calmly, "No, there's nothing burning. The chicken just got a little too well done."
"Well done?" your spouse fumes, looking at the crispy, black chicken in the broiler pan. "You call this well done? It's burnt."
"Oh, come on, don't be so fussy," you say trying to downplay your error. "It's just the spices on top that got a little black. There's nothing wrong with the chicken. I love it like this."
"But I specifically asked you to keep an eye on the chicken so it wouldn't burn. How could you let this happen?"
Yes, you made a mistake. But, no, it wasn't the end of the world. And, no, it wasn't worth getting all worked up about. But if your spouse is disappointed that the chicken was cooked longer than expected, by your trying to defend yourself, you are downplaying your spouse's feelings. Your spouse will get the impression that his or her feelings don't count, aren't important and, as far as you are concerned, are not worthy of consideration.
In short, defensiveness on your part only pours grease on the fires of your spouse's temper. It makes your spouse feel unheard and disregarded.
Hold on there, you are thinking. If my spouse is upset because of something I did or did not do, then he or she needs to know the reasons for my actions immediately. Right?
Wrong. In order to assign blame or to pass judgment on you, your spouse needs to take all of the extenuating circumstances into consideration. But if your spouse needs to vent hurt feelings of frustration or disappointment, the extenuating circumstances are totally irrelevant.
3. EXPRESSING POSITIVE FEELINGS WITHOUT INHIBITION
The term "positive feelings" refers to such emotions as: affection and warmth, appreciation and approval, admiration and respect. They are called positive because they usually generate positive reactions in people who experience these feelings, as well as in people to whom these feelings are directed. It is no wonder, then, that many of the words to describe positive feelings begin with the letter "A."
Unfortunately, in western society, people are much more experienced with negative feelings than they are with positive feelings. In school, we were criticized much more often than we were praised. At home, we were punished or reprimanded more often than we were rewarded. And as we were growing up, we had many more opportunities to witness the adults around us venting their fury and frustration than we had to witness them expressing affection and admiration.
As a result of this imbalanced exposure to negative feelings, most people had many more opportunities to learn how to express negative emotions than they did positive ones. So by the time they reach adulthood, they have a greater fluency in the language of negative feelings than they have in the language of positive feelings.
In order to succeed in marriage, both spouses must be able to freely express a wide range of positive feelings to each other.
It is not surprising, therefore, that when these adults marry they find it easier to tell their spouses what they do not like about them than what they do like. Consequently, an important lubricant in human relations is missing.
As I often tell the couples with whom I work, a relationship can be compared to a bank account. If your deposits exceed your withdrawals, your account remains active. If your withdrawals exceed your deposits, your checks will bounce and your account will be closed.
Similarly, if your compliments exceed your complaints, your spouse will pay attention to your grievances. But if your complaints exceed your compliments, your criticism will fall on deaf ears.
In order to succeed in marriage, therefore, both spouses must be able to freely express a wide range of positive feelings to each other.
4. LISTENING TO POSITIVE FEELINGS WITH AWKWARDNESS
Some people can never accept a compliment. If someone tries to commend them, they change the subject, look away, blush, cough nervously or all of the above. They find it easier to praise others and often do. But whey they are on the receiving end of positive feelings, they openly display their discomfort.
Danielle and Avi had reached the boiling point in their marriage. For the first time in their 19 years of marriage, Avi had used the "D" word. Avi had always considered himself happily married and was even surprised to hear himself utter it. Danielle was devastated.
Significant, long standing in-law and parenting conflicts practically melted away in the months that followed, as Avi and Danielle learned how to speak and listen to each other more effectively.
"This would be a good opportunity for you both to practice expressing your positive feelings to each other," I suggested.
Avi was delighted. Danielle squirmed in her seat. I warned them both that it might require some practice and recommended they begin in my office.
Avi volunteered that he always felt frustrated by Danielle's discomfort with praise. For that reason, he jumped at the opportunity to be the first speaker.
"I really admire how well you manage our home and take care of the kids," Avi began enthusiastically. "Whenever they go out, they always look so neat and well dressed. Some kids you see on the street look poorly taken care of but I always feel proud of how our children look."
Danielle's face was visibly flushed. She started giggling nervously and then turned to me. "He is only saying that now because you told him to."
"Dr. Wikler may have instructed me to praise you now," Avi countered, "but those are my true feelings."
Turning to Danielle, I observed, "It seems that you are not comfortable hearing someone compliment you."
Danielle then revealed that she grew up in a "European" home where children were never praised directly. Her parents would occasionally praise Danielle and her siblings to neighbors or other relatives. It was considered "spoiling" children, however, to offer them any direct approval. "If we did not get punished or scolded," Danielle explained, "it meant we were well behaved."
It took another few weeks of communication exercises, both at home and in my office, for Danielle and Avi to achieve a relative comfort level in expressing their own and listening to each other's positive feelings. And when we met for our termination, or wrap-up, session, Danielle acknowledged how she felt about this aspect of the therapy.
"When you first asked us to express positive feelings here in your office, I thought you were out of your mind. And I thought to myself, 'I'm never going to be able to do this.' But, then, I thought a lot about what you said - that my being unable to accept compliments hurts Avi - and I decided to trust your judgment.
"Now that we've been expressing positive feelings to each other for the past few weeks, I see how important this is. I see how you were so right. This positive feelings business adds a dimension to our relationship that I never thought possible… And, yes…, we are much closer, now."
Excerpted with permission from, Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage: Getting Your Spouse to Understand You by Dr. Meir Wikler (Artscroll/Mesorah Publications, 2003)
(55) Bill, June 11, 2016 5:22 AM
Not sure if she can be honest with herself??
I'm concerned that my wife won't be honest with herself, she rearly is. The other thing is, I'm sure she will be on board with trying these things. She is usually is, she is good like that. Now I guess what I'm afraid of is me and how I'm gonna handle her recognizing when I share something that interest me, if she simply acknowledges that I said something I will know she doesn't really care because in the past 15 out of 20 she normally ignores what I say. I think that's really weird that she does that too. Like most of the time I acknowledge my own comment because she says nothing, like she's not even there. I mean what spouse hears their spouse say something and they are the only 2 in the room and there's no response from her? Is that weird or am I just tripping? And how do I handle it when she finally replies and I know she doesn't really care?
diane, December 28, 2016 11:31 PM
she may or may not care---you don't know which yet
my husband does this too and it is a crazy-making and hurtful behavior, with many possible root causes. I cannot imagine that you two can untangle this dynamic after all this time without professional help. you both deserve this help because intimacy can be seriously damaged by such behavior, and you, especially, can be personally damaged by it. good luck.
(54) Mario, June 3, 2016 12:36 AM
My wife had a problem with taking about her feelings
My wife can't or won't let her feelings come out and she is cold she acts like a man
(53) Zee, February 21, 2016 2:53 AM
Is it worth it after all the positive qualities you have are unnoticed. Your in your third year mark And each day goes by and he/she doesn't act the way they used to in the first year. Is it because we are boring to them? The shine on the penny is gone ? Or does he have a problem recognizing possitive qualities I have no problem making my man happy in every way yet still I feel unrecognized . When is it time to give up ?
(52) Anonymous, September 27, 2015 6:36 AM
Thank you! This article was very well organizingly written or in other words...easier to understand compared to other articles. I personally liked and could relate to the many couple example stories you had in the article.
(51) rachel, May 18, 2014 6:38 AM
I have a weird issue. I have never in my life actually told someone when my feelings were hurt or that I was angry with them for fear of conflict. I almost have a phobia of it. But being married for 2.5 years had taught me I've got to learn to talk with my husband about my negative feelings or we're not going to make it. With some serious trust issues taxing our marriage recently bc of his unfaithness , I've got to talk with him somehow. Any suggestions?
john2find, September 14, 2015 5:36 AM
Express before it explode
Express your feeling before it starts accumulating and explode on itself one day.
(50) Billy, May 2, 2014 9:05 PM
Wife can't talk nice to me
My wife makes everything an attack. Why can't you do... Why didin't you... and on and on. It isn't just the words, it is also the tone in her voice. Nasty, mean, disrespectful and fault finding all the way. When I ask her why she's doing this, she changes the subject, usually bringing up another fault. This has been going on for years and she refuses to discuss it. While I love her, I can't remain in this relationship much longer with all the hate and negative energy in the home. She would definitely accept a divorce before she would even consider changing. Why? Because she never does anything wrong. Just ask her. She always screams, "I am talking normal." I keep telling her, I just want a wife who can talk nice to me. For over 10 years of repeating this, she still thinks she's right.
Dale, May 15, 2014 1:03 PM
Billy, I hear you
We might as well be married to the same woman - same story here. I could say the sky is blue, she will disagree and say there are clouds. Everything is negative in our home unless she is faking it. Any conversation I attempt to have with her ends up as a critique of me. I have more meaningful conversations with strangers now than I do with my wife. I am resolved to the fact that some people just are not happy, cannot be happy, and do not want to change. I don't see a way out of the negative energy, though, so if our finances improve over the next year, I will be happier alone (despite what this will do to our 2 kids).
Debbie, February 2, 2015 9:12 AM
My boyfriend of 2 years just told me I do the same thing.
I was not aware that I was doing this to my boyfriend. He told me I complain about everything and that I have drug him down to the point that he doesn't even want to be around me anymore. I knew I was not happy with the way he was doing some things but I didn't realize that I was being so kvetchy that he didn't want to be around me anymore. Maybe you can suggest to your wife to read the above Rules on communicating with your spouse. It helped me and it helps to hear how seriously you are effecting the person you love. Make sure she knows how serious it is.
(49) mathira, January 25, 2014 12:44 PM
How to communicate with your spouse?
It is very sad that modern couples find it tough to have good friendship. Instead of sharing their emotions, they deviate from each and play the perfect blaming game. Marriage is not a short term relationship to be taken lightly. It needs contribution from both to make it survive. An excellent perception about married life.
(48) Anonymous, September 27, 2013 12:38 AM
How do you acknowledge being wrong
How do you acknowledge being wrong without still fustrating your spouse? Do I just listen and not respond or wait until he completely done talking to knowledge my wrong doing?
(47) Anonymous II, September 17, 2013 5:51 PM
quarreling constantly with husband
I want to be with my husband but I feel we cannot communicate with each other at all. He tells me all the time I need to do this or that or say this or that but when I mention him changing for me, he becomes mad at me. Then I get defensive then causing a fight he says I start. Not to also include he uses nasty language with me and calls me names and EVERYTHING is my fault. I mean who would want someone not to do the same for. I work at improving myself constantly for him and get nothing back. I'm now wondering is it my communication or his? or both? and then with that said he is not the open kind of guy. He prefers the sarcasm comments and doesn't talk to me about his feelings until they boil over and creates a fight that doesn't stop. I need to feel I am notice and wanted. I need help trying to get him to communicate with me before our 5 year marriage with 2 children is over. I love him but I can't see myself putting everything out there with nothing from him.
sanya, August 23, 2014 3:39 PM
To living with sarcasm, It sounds like he is using you to vent out to. I would remind him your both on the same side and that you are the love of his life. I would say can we talk nicely,like we love eachother?
(46) Bwphotos, June 10, 2013 4:59 PM
Last part of number 2
You addressed how to handle it if your spouse is frustrated and needing to vent but you did not really address how to handle things if they continually accuse you of things you didnt do or always assume you had bad or selfish intentions. How are you supposed to respond to that without defending yourself or trying to clarify the truth? Thanks.
(45) Destiney, April 23, 2013 10:53 PM
anger Issues
I need help on my anger, I get so upset because my girlfriend does not try to recognize her wrong instead she throws everything back on me, by saying you do to, and most of the time it is not true I try to explain to her these are my feelings about you why you keep throwing yourself back on me with out even trying to see or admitting your faults first
(44) dawnielle stone, March 9, 2013 2:00 PM
very wise counsel
very wise counsel.
(43) anonymous, January 16, 2013 4:59 AM
The last few comments sound exactly like me...I clearly have a hard time communicating with my bf and maybe it's the way I was raised?? My parents never seemed to communicate their feelings, but anyways I feel like every night after work neither of us want to talk or had a rough day and can't just calmly say "this is why Im so quiet..." It's really hard to get out how I feel, and half the time I don't even know whats wrong. He gets so mad at me for not telling him whats wrong and he says he doesn't want to be around that ... HELP I don't want to lose him and everything we have built together!
(42) Anonymous, January 15, 2013 4:53 PM
I have never been able to communicate with anybody and now I have been in a relationship with the best guy ever and I still can't open up to him. Can someone please help me out .
Anonymous, January 27, 2013 2:03 PM
Let's practice tell me about u. Surprise me.
(41) Jeff, December 28, 2012 2:47 PM
My gf and I hve a child of 17 months and since she was born I feel like I'm in last place. I know I over exaggerate everything and I'm gone every mon to fri on the road for work and I don't get to spend a lot of time with them. But my problem is when ever I do get home I feel like either a burden on there timings or she just passes off our child an I don't get to spend the time I want and need with her. Our conversations always end up in a tiff or being defensive. I love her so much but I feel like she doesn't have enough love to give to me. I've tried to talk to her but its always a repeat from last week and I feel like I'm pushing her farther and farther away. Plz help!!
Anonymous, March 20, 2013 4:50 AM
Date your mate.
I know this was a few months ago but just in case. Kids can do that. See if you can find someone to watch your kid. (U find someone, don't ask her to), and take her out on dates. Leave the complaints at home and just reconnect. She will feel special, and the together time will be good for both of you.
(40) Anonymous, November 30, 2012 3:30 PM
How do i express myself when my boyfriend is startin drama between us but he dont see it..??
When i tried to express myself he jus snaps at.. It makes me wanna run from the problem.. I feel like he turned on me and our kids..
(39) Anonymous, October 14, 2012 1:11 PM
Me and my husband are newly weds and I've always been the independant woman and now am having to deal with so much that I don't know how to express to him and I snap at the smallest thing and I don't know why I moved away from my family friends and everything I've ever know for him and feel like everything I do is wrong. I'm so new to all of this and don't know why I get so defensive so fast.
Anonymous, October 21, 2012 8:12 PM
Same situation just other way around moved across the country to support her for her work married had a baby not sure if its always me that just snaps tho I admit I am bad for it. Looks like some of this stuff could help. Good luck implementing it. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.
(38) Tiffany, October 8, 2012 5:39 PM
Striving to improve our communication
I really enjoyed reading this article. Honestly, I felt like it was written for me and my boyfriend. We have most of the communicating issues that you listed. He explodes on me and I shut down, then he shuts down and doesn't communicate how he feels with me - so I end up pressing him to express himself and then I shut down more when he blows up on me again. I too grew up in a very European household where compliments were almost non-extant. When you weren't being punished, you knew you were doing ok but still needed to "watch yourself" (constantly on edge). So when my boyfriend tries to compliment me I find myself VERY uncomfortable! This is something that I have been working on, but I will say that it is not easy! And it's so silly when I think about it because I give compliments and praise people, especially my boyfriend, ALL the time! This article really opened my eyes to things that I can change in myself in order to improve communication on my end. I now see that the way I say certain things can be diminishing, dismissive, and even criticizing. Thank you so much! This article has really helped!!!! =)
(37) Anonymous, September 24, 2012 2:32 AM
Trying to fix myself
I'm new to this whole marriage thing and I came Into it like it was a normal relationship meaning hanging with friends and lying. I have changed my ways cause I have learned from my mistakes but my wife won't talk to me what do ever. I'm in the army so I work all day and sometimes all month and this is really effecting my work. I have tried talking she go in the room and doesn't want to talk saying she doesn't believe anything I say. I have tried letters and text message but everything seems to have the same outcome. I want to make this marriage work for multiple reasons. We have a child on the way and I don't want it to be born in a hostel envirement and I love my wife to death, she showed me how a woman should treat a man and so forth and I'm not talking in the sexual nature I'm meaning in general. I seriously need to know what to do. I'm so lost and I need all the help I can get. Thanks and hopefully you have a good rest of your day.
J, October 30, 2012 5:01 PM
All men lie
Write her letters from the heart - then no matter what, don't ever lie to her again. I have come to the conclusion that all men lie. I would like my husband to be almost to open and honest with me. He seems to lie over little silly things. Then he tells me I am beautiful, and exspects me to believe him. Or that I am the love of his life, yeah right. I have to admit - I will Never understand men.
(36) Anonymous, September 11, 2012 5:10 PM
Military move taking on too much?
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We recently made a cross country move where I had to leave family, friends and my job. When we moved, his 18 yr old son moved with us and his mother moved in with us. My 10 yr old daughter also lives with us. I was able to get a job right away and we are financially secure, however, things have turned very negative. There are a lot of things that frustrate me that have to do with his mother and his son. His son is 18 and just now got his first job, should have graduated last year but is taking online classes to get a diploma. There is no contribution from his son or his mother to the household. The arrangement was that my m-i-l was to live with us to help out with child care, etc. but now she works and I have had to pay for child care, yet, she pays nothing to contribute to the household. I have expressed this to my husband and he said that I am "changing the rules" by now wanting money from her. I try and express my feelings and frustrations to my husband but he doesn't "hear" me. Everything I say seems to be negative and I have for the most part been segregated from that part of the family because there are things that I am not happy about. He feels like anything I say that is a concern is a personal jab at him. It seems that we have minimal communication lately and when we do, we are completely butting heads. We have only been here 2 months. How do I express the issues that I have without sounding negative and making my husband miserable? I have even started seeing a counselor to get help with it and I really am trying. He said he will go too but he is always gone because of work. He is usually home on the weekends but it seems as though we are always arguing on the weekends and making the time that he is home miserable. Anyone have advice for this military wife lost?
(35) Francheskia, August 13, 2012 3:41 AM
Military to military marriage with baby on the way
My husband feels that if I speak on anything he does that i think is wrong...makes him feel less than a man...we're both in the military and im not the feminine type and im strong-minded. Should i change my personality to accomodate his feelings although i disagree??
(34) sierra, July 17, 2012 4:11 PM
the how to's...
since me and my husband have been together we really dont have time to enjoy each other. we always took care of his dad . now he has passed and we have children and work ect that takes up all of our time. he sayes i dont talk enough , which is true , i stay at home and really nothen ever happnens for me to strike up any great conversation about, my only friend i had moved away and well , sitting here every day, cleaning, cooking, ect. is just boring. i had a job , but to my husband it i quote " is not worth the time or money to go to" ...i have no eduication to get a better job. money is always tight or car or something broke and needs fixed..so how to ...how to comunicate better .. how to build me? thats the question..i feel like half the person i use to be ...
Brooke, September 30, 2012 6:56 AM
Housewives that understands
I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years and I often have thrilling days also between homework, housecleaning, and whipping bottoms. I feel that I talk to much and hubby never speaks. I would love to have a relationship with communication but often feel overwhelmed. I have been going to school and will be finishing my degree very soon. This has changed my life for the better also eating well and walking 45 minutes a day has helped me look at myself with more appreciation. Moms rule once you understand this life will fall into place. God bless
(33) Mark, June 2, 2012 6:27 PM
It started with a kiss
But after 30 years of marriage --kids parents finances and just about everything else has taken over our lives--Seems like everything else is in the forefront and what started it all is long forgotten. Have always been faithful but sometimes I am hating myself for this--
Anonymous, June 16, 2012 3:42 PM
Be good to yourself
Thats rough. Doubtful that 30 it would be beneficial to flush a 30 year relationship, but it would be hard to get out of the ruts that have developed over that time. I think you need to have a vision of what you want, discuss that with your wife, modify as necessary to accommodate her and build the road map to get there together. It would probably take a 3d party advisor or possibly arbitrator to make some significant changes after that long of a time. I think your wife would be happy for some changes too - maybe just a little different from yours.
Anonymous, July 18, 2012 3:16 PM
Did you get your problem resolved? I too just celebrated 30 years of marriage and feel like where did the both of us go? My husband so wrapped up in work- we have lost each other so any advice would be great- jr
Anonymous, September 22, 2012 11:12 AM
you're still in love
Hi. Marriage is not easy but is worth it. Its the opportunity to be faithful and committed to a person for life. As humans is very hard to find and give true friendship and marriage allows you that opportunity. Leaving a 30 year relationship to think you can find better some where else is not worth it. Because you will also need to commit to that person but start all over. A few steps: 1. Agree to see a counselor so you can express exactly how you feel and not be misunderstood 2. Get a photo album of the "wonderful years" and talk and laugh about it 3. Relive a special day, place you once went to that you both love and remember. A place that impacted your love. 4. Get your life straight! Stop wasting time on the things that don't matter! Jim Collins said "life is about people,and spending time with the people you love". Drop whatever you can, even if it means readjustment to financial, social, corporate life. 5. Remember that if this is bothering you is because you are still in love with your spouse. Rekindle that love and commit again to eternal love. (Have a small ceremony at home and renew your vows) Love is patient, love is kind, it is not selfish, it does not envy....
(32) Susan, May 3, 2012 12:47 AM
Mom to 4 and stressed beyond repair
I am a full time everything! I have been with my now husband for almost 9 yrs, married almost 2! We have 4 kids Btwn us! 2 his, 1 mine and 1 ours. My husband and I had a great relationship, but I don't know what went wrong! We now fight over everything, kids, cleaning, $$,the dog, how we raise the kids!!! He never has Any patience with the kids! He has to take control!! He's never happy!!!I am the one always dealing with the ex, bills, kids homework, doctor apps, schedules!!! When I tell him about stuff he forgets or blames me for not telling him!!! Ugh Help I'm at a crossroad! I am fed up, I need a change!
Brooke, July 5, 2012 2:03 AM
Susan, It sounds as though we are living the same lives in different places.
(31) Anonymous, March 29, 2012 1:11 AM
How do you win?
I am a father of five. I am a combat vet who suffers from PTSD. I am union president. I am invovled in a National Level College. My wife works graveyard. I am the mother at times. Sometimes it is very demanding, and I can not control my anger towards my wife when she is so negiative. I can not quit any of the above responsiabilites because I made commitments. I really do not know how to win with her. Everyone one demands my attention, and wants me to resovle their issues immediately. I do not have time to myself. I do not have time with her alone. I had to take a vacation just to get caught up on work. Also, my membership is un appreciative of what I do. They spend way too much time gossiping, and are very unproductive. I can not throw in the towel because I feel something good is getting ready to happen. So, how do I win? How may I balance all of this? How may I not get angry at my wife when she shuts my communication down?
Beenthere, June 16, 2012 3:38 PM
Be good to yourself
I am a combat vet too and trying to hold it all together for everyone sometimes is just not possible. Forgive yourself and take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. Take care of your health finances and surroundings - only then can you really help others.
(30) Anonymous, March 28, 2012 2:11 AM
My boyfriend n I have been together for a long time.... But it seems I can't all to him about anything..even if it's just about something that's upsetting me that doesn't involve him...but when it does involve him instead of admitting and trying to work it out with. E he attacks me with well u do this n u do this and turns it around on me.....I've tried writing him....I've tried not talking to him at all...doesn't matter what I do he seems to always have an issue with something...I'm not perfect n I've made mistakes this I know and I'll admit that n do what I can to fix it all I want is to b listened to and I'm running short on ideas here
(29) Barbara Pinckney, January 22, 2012 2:20 AM
A good marriage
Your communicating skills are a plus, you have given me a lot of things to work on with my own self. I will used some of the advice you gave.I'm praying that my deposit exceeds my withdrawals and that my account stay active. God Bless You.
(28) Anonymous, January 2, 2012 2:23 PM
Advice required
My fiance and I fight all the time, and I know its due to poor communication (which is why I stumbled accross this link). We're about to get married and I'm having big doubts. I love him so much and we've been together for 5 years , but lately he's only interested in partying with his mates and does not want me to disturb him while he's out with his friends. He always says he wants to do this before he gets married, but we're both in mid-20s and I've done the "partying" when I was younger and now I'm ready to settle down. All his mates are single and I understand why they want to go out, but it bothers me that he's always out with them getting drunk. This isnt the husband figure I wanted and he wansnt like this before. I have no idea how to talk to him about this without him calling me a 'drainer' because we're always arguing. He thinks nothing is ever good enough for me, while I think that I dont want to be under-appreciated or the 'girl that ruined his life' because we got married... I have no idea what to do, and I need help. I have been avoiding him for few days now and not returning his calls because I need to think this through. Help!
deanna, January 2, 2012 9:25 PM
helo
I think you should try and have date nights for the two of you! That way he can plan to be out with his buddies 2 weekends a month and you can have him the othere two. Also it's important for you to have your own life and do your own thing so your not waiting around for him. Have a girls night out, go bowling, play some cards, go for walks or to the gym. Do your own things. He will come around. Drinking with buddies gets boring. Give him his freedom and give yourself the same. Most often people devote their lives to their partners and have nothing for themselves. They tend to get very angry when their partner wants to go out cuz they will be alone. Try going to see a councilor together.
angel5, January 13, 2012 12:51 AM
hi
seek counselling before committing
Anonymous, January 20, 2012 9:29 AM
My goodness. You took my words...I'm I'm the same situation except he's my husband. Been together going on 6yrs, married for 6.5 months with one child.and another on the way, and I'm dealing with your exact situation. My husband did the same prior to our wedding and said the same as your fiance.i believed him though and we did attend pre marital counseling.but within the last 2 months our so it's started again. I'm pregnant now and way more emotional so it really hurts me that he chooses to be out drinking than home with me and our daughter.i too am at a loss of what to do. I do realize we have a slight communication problem but I have expressed my feelings and thoughts on the issue numerous times and still he does it. Anyone have suggestions????
(27) Anonymous, December 20, 2011 2:09 AM
how to talk to your husband when you want to keep a job but he do not want you to
(26) kc, November 29, 2011 5:11 AM
I often find it is hard talking with my fiance. I find myself blaming him because I feel like I do not get enough attention from him. I have read that I should be more verbal with the expectations I have but I am a woman and I do like surprises without having to ask him. It is also hard for me to understand him sometimes because I know that he likes to prove his point. He will do this again and again until his point is made and he feels like he is the winner. I hate fighting with him and I usually give in (which i hate doing). I do not know how to stop this from happening. I want him to comfortably and effectively be able to tell me how he feels without him having to be the "winner" and I do not want to end an argument feeling unconnected. I do not want my opinion to be considered wrong just as a way to stop fighting. I need an effective way to stand up for myself and us to both end up happy.
Jenn, November 29, 2011 3:57 PM
thanks
thanks for your post. I'm in the exact situation and it's good to know I'm not alone. I, too, want a resolution for this. Let me know if you find something that works!
brittany, December 8, 2011 2:45 AM
i too suffer from a husband who has to always be right. we will seem to have a good time then a comment is made and he is a completely different person. Its very disappointing and hurtful for me to go to bed at night and feel like i have to be so submisive and "yes dear your completely right". i dont want to be that couple or that wife. any suggestions?
(25) Tim, November 19, 2011 12:49 AM
This is what I do and I need help
I just spoke with my wife and found out she has been hurting for months. I went online looking for answers and found this article. This is exactly what I'm doing. We have made an appointment with a local counselor, but I want to do whatever it takes. Can anyone recommend books or anything that can help me change my behavior?
Kelly, November 28, 2011 3:33 AM
I have a book for you!
Its The Love & respect book by Dr. Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs
Anonymous, December 8, 2011 2:47 AM
a great book
I watched a movie in a marriage counslor book called fireproof its a very good movie and a book that follows it is called the love dare. its a 40 day program that you do yourself and it is a real eye opener.
Anonymous, December 22, 2011 8:26 AM
A must read and a quick, easy to understand book
For Men Only by Shaunti and jeff Feldhahn, they have the For Women only too... I promise you it will help at least it will be very insightful. I am a counselor and I am also a spouse and find this very eye opening to the opposite sex.. sometimes we forget we are 2 different people and expect more from our partners or expect them to know everything. This books helps us to understand our partners and how they think or are built. Best wishes, and never give up! It is impressive that you are willing to do whatever it takes and caring to her needs. Warm wishes for the both of you.
(24) Anonomous, October 30, 2011 11:21 PM
Guilty of defensivness
I do this all the time. So the next time I drop the ball, even if it was for valid uncontrollable reasons, don't say it as an excuse to vindicate myself. But you never really say how to respond. I'm sorry I dropped the ball? What if sorry doesn't cut it? Fall on my sword? A little more help here, please.
(23) lilian, September 23, 2011 10:49 AM
Yes we all make mistake/lie but all u hv to do is pray about it and just believe that this does not come between you again keep on assuring him that u will not lie to him again and it stays so
(22) Anonymous, August 19, 2011 9:51 AM
i can not communicate
for a long while i cant express my feelings, when am hurt i rather keep it to my self than let it out, sometimes when i get the courage to say out some thing i end up regretting why i said it.so for many times i coil my self and cry over things that my boyfriend does and they hurt me, or i just keep quiet for a while with out talking to him until i get over it, but i hate it that i cant face him to say what actually hurts me. how am i supposed to get the courage
Anonymous, August 23, 2011 6:03 PM
How does HE react??
I find myself doing the same thing that you have described here. I think i'ts because whenever I try to express my feelings when I am hurt, he in some way dismisses what I am telling him. He'll laugh or say something like "oh come on, don't be so sensitive" or "lighten up". But most of the time, my heart truly hurts. I don't know how to make him understand this. I think I've subconsciously stopped expressing myself and now when he does say or do something hurtful, it hurts even more.. a vicious cycle. I'm going to try to talk to him again but I don't know if it will work in the long run :-(
Nidhi, August 26, 2011 9:36 AM
I feel the same way..
I can empathise with u bcz trhts wht my husband do to me. Whnevr we require any discussion, he just wont participate.Its is like he hates or is scared of talking.Whtevr I say,he turns table arnd, shouts at me, making me feel silly and guilty abt why did I start this conversation. He hs alwz been like this, totally insensitive.I dont knw wht to do.
(21) Cassy Pereira, April 15, 2011 8:22 AM
dissapointment, sadness, depression
We have been together for almost a year and a happy couple before. One day he found out that i was lying about few things before our marriage. He was so dissapointed and ask me about the reason, unfortunately i made a wrong explanation and we are fighting about the same thing over and over again. Now when i told him about the truth it seems like he won't believe me and i try my best to save this marriage that i want both of us happy with this relationship. Actually it was a small matter, i have slept with a man before but never having sex. Our first night after marriage, i am still virgin but he never saw the blood. I had wipe the blood with tissue and flushed it into the toilet. I swear i'm still virgin with him but it hard for him to believe since the situation is like that. He still want me to explain or to prove i'm still virgin with him, i did what i could but still not enough. He still love me and still love him like before but this problem eventually will rise again and again. What should i do to stop or at least make the burden less for both of us.
(20) muntazir, July 10, 2010 12:36 AM
loving words to ur wife reminder dear
dont use words like u have did this u have did that u do that or wewe no use nice words to ur spouse lovingly and caringly
(19) jennifer, April 19, 2010 11:21 PM
My significate other and i have been together for 10yrs almost 11 and we have three children about three yrs ago we went through some things in
(18) Anonymous, February 16, 2010 8:02 AM
I wish you were in the NW area so I could come to your office. Your advices sound like it would definitely work for many families but mine. For years, I have realized I cannot communicate with my husband. I am extroverted and he is the opposite in public. He talks at home though. Your advice is very good provided the couple, both, follow it. It is not the case in our house. I am on my own, feeling like I have to haul this bucket of our marital problems by myself and it getting heavier every day. He practically doesn’t care. My question is are there advices that I can use for my case, meaning I am the sole person follow the advices. Another question is what should I do when he calls me names instead of addressing the problem of the situation, like “asshole”, “bitch”. I know what you think now. Yes, divorce has been crossing my mind a million times, but I cannot do it yet. We have young chilren, 10, 8 and 2 year old. Besides, it will bring shame to both families. I would not say I am nice when I confront him. Let’s make long story short and tell you what type of person I am. My mom always tells me this, “What you say is right, but your attitude and tone is different. He won’t change. For the children’s sake, endure it and live with it. ” I don’t think he is capable of having a family, being a husband or a father. .. He doesn’t have a friend. Good thing is he doesn’t care about it.
(17) maria, January 16, 2010 2:15 PM
what can I do with my husband inadequate attitude
He is always negative with all the things differ from what he had or leant in his family. He is well educated person but he doesn't behave like that. When ever he see a warm friendship between friends, he just keep critisizing them. when I reject his opinions, he starts to swear at them and shout at me! He is not a warm and socialized person. Instead of fixing his problem, he prefer to ignore others. Even at home I have major problems with him. He never says thanx for the meal I prepare. this is really disgusting me. I try to do my best but instead of receiving any compliment, he just eat and say nothing. When I asked him he said " when I don't say anything it means it was good! " Every time I trid to sit with him and talk properly he ignores with a bad reaction. I'm starting to hate him. What else I can do?
(16) Amy, July 1, 2009 7:35 PM
sadness, depression, anger, marriage
I have a lot of anger towards my husband about his lack of getting a job. We have been married 8 years and he has worked for 1 year of it. He has a lot of things against him but I can not help but feel anger about everything he does. I just found out I am about to lose my job and am severely stressed and depressed about it. I don't want to take this all out on him but he always seems like the most likely target. I have no family where we live. It is in a small town with his family, I have no friends, and no one to talk to . I really feel that if I don't figure this all out I will lose my husband and my mind. Someone help.
(15) Zaahir, March 17, 2009 10:36 PM
Priceless Advice
Let me start off by saying that I have an "AWESOME" husband who loves to talk to me and has been the glue that has kept our marriage together. When it comes to talking, I cannot say that I give him the same thing in return. I grew up in a household where there was not a lot of talking and no communication. Being all grown-up and married now, it is hard for me to do either.I know the importance of communicating, however, when I feel that I am going to be misunderstood or questioned in a bad way, I tend to go into this shell and not talk at all. Another problem I have is not stating how I feel, and when I do (as the 1st article Aaron & Sarah) I have a tendency to blow up. I don't want to lash out at my husband, which in turns gives him the deaf ear to me. I want to understand his needs and he understand mine. Reading the four points to a healthier marriage, will help me to take a different road to many of my problems. These steps will not solve nor fix everything over night, but it will be brighter future I believe. The cost of a wedding $15k, a vacation for two in New Zealand $3,399, keeping and maintaining a happy, healthy marriage...priceless
(14) Anonymous, February 11, 2009 2:14 PM
any advice
I need some advice. My husband and I argue about our two special needs children that need different care and routines. My husband has little interest to learn how to handle our kids and ignores all the stuff the doctors have told us to do in certain situations. Making it very stressful on me. Eg: bedtime is at 9pm my husband would put them down 20 mins late because he is fooling around with them throwing them off the routine making it hard in the morning for me. my son punches and hits my husband instead of putting a weighted vest or redirecting him my husband will push him back and say stop then start yelling at him if it doesn't stop and my son gets more agressive. then I have to step in and calm my son down as he doesn't understand as he hits on impulse. I have tried to tell my husband how to handle it and make it clear that routine is a must. it seems its goes right over his head as again the next night I dread bedtime as it starts all over the routine gets messed up confusing our children and then melt downs happen which leads to us arguing after spending 40 mins to get our kids to bed. how do I make him understand
(13) Gee Gee, January 18, 2009 7:51 PM
Victim of Abuse - Repeat offender to women
There is no way a person can help someone who doesn't want to be helped. There is no way a person can help someone who doesn't recognize he or she is the problem. The only way a person can be helped is for them to fall flat on their face and realize that this way of life sucks. I know a man who has been married 6 times to 6 different women, who is soon to be divorced by the 6th woman because he is abusive to her in all ways, no stone left unturned! This man is a prime example of how you can't change someone who doesn't want to be helped. When she divorces him, he'll just look for the next victim not recognizing that he is the problem and his own worst enemy...Need I say more?
(12) Kim, August 30, 2008 2:41 AM
Eye opener
I thank God for this article because it helped me to see how I was adding to our communication problems. I long to talk to my husband, but he never wants to discuss anything. Hopefully with the use of these techniques, we can finally heal our relationship (with God of course). Otherwise, he will definitely feel that divorce is our only option. But will this work in an emotional abusive relationship? He has already moved out, had affairs, lied, and whatever else. So how do I trust that even after I use these ideas, that he will come around and mean what he says. Said too much, but I agree that the divorce rate is too high because we have become too lazy.
(11) Dick, March 1, 2007 3:29 PM
Wonderful advice
I find your advice very good and helpful.
(10) Anonymous, January 9, 2006 12:00 AM
I think another negative is bringing up the past. As in, you had this problem (the past)so that is why I act this way(the present)
(9) Merlock, May 29, 2005 12:00 AM
True, But...
I wouldn't limit these suggestions just to marriage; these ring true not only for romance, but to all family members, friends, and really everybody you meet. Thanks for the advice, I'll do my best to follow it!
(8) Anonymous, May 23, 2005 12:00 AM
Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse can and does take many forms, physical, verbal and emotional, and is on a completely different level from strong disagreements between husband and wife. Disagreements which are talked through and sorted out can strengthen a relationship. Abuse destroys a relationship - and can destroy the victim or victims. (Children who see a parent being abused suffer from the abuse whether or not the abusive parent targets them directly).
Domestic abuse does happen in the orthodox Jewish community but is often concealed by the victim who fears a negative response from the community. It is also often denied by the community which does not want to believe that a to-all-appearances observant person could behave in such a way.
Articles that acknowledge the existence of domestic abuse in the Jewish community can give victims and survivors a great deal of emotional support. There is one article about domestic abuse on the Aish website and it would be good to see more. (See 'Twice Burned by Lisa Aiken http://www.aish.com/societyWork/society/Twice_Burned.asp )
(7) Miryam, May 17, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you so much for this article!
Dr. Wikler, thank you so much for this article it's WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL & WONDERFUL. Great, great article!!!!
(6) Anonymous, May 16, 2005 12:00 AM
Very good article - appreciated it very much.
(5) Anonymous, May 16, 2005 12:00 AM
Oy Vey
With regard to the comment about an "abusive relationship," does anyone wonder why we have such a horrible divorce rate, R"L, in this country? EVERYTHING is classified as "emotional abuse"!! I remember when "abuse" was hitting (chas v'shalom)!! Then the women's lib movement turned everything on its head--emotional this, abusive that!! Please, for the sake of our Jewish future, grow up and realize that we are not perfect, STRONG disagreements may--and do--occur, and they can be fixed!!
Basya, August 1, 2011 9:48 AM
There is a big difference between strong disagreements and abuse
Try educating yourself about emotional abuse. I've thought about what I can write here but a small comment is simply insufficient. But emotional abuse includes lying (I don't mean little white lies once and a while), distorting, various mind games, etc., which can convince the victim s/he is crazy. It can also include belittling, name calling, put downs, condescending attitudes, and a host of other behaviors (sometimes including threats instilling absolute terror). Don't ever tell abuse victims, who may be tremulously reaching out in desparation after suffering in silence for years and years, "grow up". It is terribly cruel.
(4) bill ginsburg, May 16, 2005 12:00 AM
excellent commentary
very interesting. thanks so much
(3) Anonymous, May 15, 2005 12:00 AM
Shalom Bayis issues vs. abusive relationship
The story of "Sarah" & "Aaron" is very disturbing to me. If Sarah is sometimes "terrified" of Aaron & he gets so angry that he actually acts destructively i.e. ruining the spaghetti, this problem should not be included in an article dealing with communication issues. This man is acting abusively toward his wife! Blaming HER poor communication skills for HIS inability to control his anger is simply blaming the victim. With all due respect, Dr. Wikler is doing his readers a disservice by labeling this example as a Shalom Bayis issue. What we have here is a perfect example of emotional abuse.
(2) Anonymous, May 15, 2005 12:00 AM
great article
please write an article about domestic violence in the Jewish community. It is a big issue and it seems to be ignored.
thanks.
(1) edna pessach, May 15, 2005 12:00 AM
instructive and enlightening.
thanks for bringing it to us . it is always inspiring for the better to read intelligent ideas.