It can't be stated often enough.If you don't have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble.
In order to have a successful marriage you have to make yourself an expert in communication.You have to try to understand what your partner is saying on a simple level as well as try to analyze the underlying message or desire.
The last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.
For example, the last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.Actually the last thing she probably wants to hear is, "Yes dear, you do need to slim down a little!"
Nor does she want just a sympathetic ear (just when a man thinks he's mastered the art of good listening).What she really wants is for her husband to say, "You look terrific!" "You look thin!" "You look so young!"
Having said that it is important to look at what Virginia Satir calls the "metacommunication." This is the underlying message, the motivation behind the communication. We all need to be amateur psychologists and try to figure out what our partner really wants. For example, when Susan tells her husband that she isn't feeling well, that may be her way of saying "could you drive the children to ice skating lessons today dear?" or it may be her way of expressing a need for more attention from her spouse. As I'm about to illustrate we can't all be mind readers, but it is important to try to focus not just on the words being said, but what may possibly be implied as well.
It is important to hear what your spouse is really saying, but it is also important for the other side to give clues.
We shouldn't expect our mates to intuit our needs nor rely on some level of divine inspiration. If there's a special necklace you want for your birthday, point it out to your husband.It will save him the agony of choosing and spare you both needless pain.It works both ways -- maybe he doesn't want socks this year.
TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU WANTJoe is the romantic type.Every week after he got engaged he brought his fiancee flowers.He even sent her flowers every day of the week before their wedding.
He continued this practice a number of years into their marriage.
Finally Emily, his wife, ever the unsentimental and practical one, spoke up."You know Joe, I really love you and I like that you want to bring me flowers.But I actually don't like flowers that much.And besides, they die so soon after that I feel like we've wasted our money.I'd rather you saved up for a more lasting gift."
If we want something, we need to say it.
Luckily this is a very trivial example.But being able to express yourself in the small areas will lead to open discussion in the big areas as well.If we want something, we need to say it.
It sounds so obvious, but how many hurt and angry couples come in for counseling saying "he should have known..." or "she should have realized..."?How should he have known? How should she have realized?Did you tell him/her?
DON'T RELY ON INTUITIONI have a friend who never makes grocery lists.She goes to the supermarket and relies on her intuition.This led to, at one point, 12 jars of mustard in her refrigerator.
This approach to life has relatively little impact on her, other than maybe leading to excessive consumption of hot dogs, but in marriage it could be disastrous.
This approach could be disastrous in a marriage.
Don't rely on your intuition. Ask. Don't rely on his/her intuition.Tell.
"You knew I wasn't feeling well.Why didn't you offer to make dinner? "This and many similar dialogues often lead to tension around the home.Yet the solution is so simple. "I'm really not feeling well dear. Would you mind making dinner?"
It is a common assumption that prophetic power is proof of your spouse's undying love and devotion.Let's destroy that myth right now.Tell your spouse what you want.His or her thoughtful response to your explicitly expressed needs is a sign of commitment.
While we're on the topic, don't ask for signs or proofs.It will get you in trouble. Everyone expresses their caring and develops their love in differing ways and at varying rates. A confrontation over "do you love me?" will be just that -- a confrontation. Express yourself in a way that shows understanding of your spouse's personality and he will respond in kind.
Perhaps the most essential quality for good communication in any relationship, and particularly in a marriage, is to be a good listener.
Take a minute to ask yourself if you listen attentively when your partner speaks.Or is your mind on tonight's dinner, tomorrow's business meeting, Bloomingdale's sale ... Do you comprehend clearly what you mate is saying?
LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNERSometimes when my husband and I are quarreling, he'll stop me in the middle to say: "What am I saying, and what are you saying, and what's the difference? "It's infuriating but effective.
Frequently I find that I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk or the passion of the moment that I haven't really been listening.I'm amazed to discover that our positions aren't that far apart, in fact they're not apart at all.
I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk that I haven't really been listening.
If this is a difficult issue for you it sometimes helps to establish structure.You could set aside a time where you are required to listen to your mate without interrupting for 10 minutes.Don't plan your defense or rebuttal.Just listen. You'll be surprised at how much you'll learn and when it's your turn you'll realize a unique pleasure in being able to express yourself freely.
Another technique psychologists favor is called active listening.There are many variations on this theme but the basic style is mirroring back what your partner says."I hear you saying..."
Keep doing it until you get it right. Maybe many of your misunderstandings are because your heard your partner wrong the first time, or you didn't hear your partner at all.
We have numerous distractions in our lives today -- telephones, televisions, and now the Internet.If we want to be listened to with concentration, we must provide the same.Hang up the phone when your spouse walks in the door.Turn off the TV.Escape from the Web.Otherwise your mate feels like second best, and when you have something to say it will also fall on deaf ears.
We have to remember that marriage creates a unity, a oneness.We can use our powers of communication to solidify that unity or, God forbid, to tear it asunder.
As the Chazon Ish, a great Jewish scholar, wrote "Treat your wife as a left hand protecting the right one ... and not an independent limb."If we accept this attitude we will recognize that spending time and energy to improve communication is the way to achieve a true marital bond.
(21) Michelle, September 23, 2013 7:35 AM
help
My husband and I have been married for 5 months. We have three children. He is a great person. But, our biggest issue is I do most of work with the kids. I have social life. How can i communicate that to him without yellng and getting upset? He clearly don't understand my frustration about how I am feeling.
(20) Chelsea, April 16, 2012 6:56 AM
common law married
Me and my hubby have been living together for a year and 2 months... we both don't have jobs or school at the moment... we spend every single second of the day together and we normally have conversations about everything... there is hardly ever a dull moment... but as far as his fone and soccer... I do feel second best at times. I share interest in his soccer games and what not but he doesn't seem to try and share interest in anything I'm into. We are planing on getting married and I want to know if there is any way to her him to show interest in the things I do? I tell him how I feel 100% of the time but when it comes to that^^ he seems to brush it off and continues to do wat he does (soccer or YouTube)
(19) Tom - Communication Is The Key, March 23, 2012 6:45 PM
Spot on. Communication is the key to an effective and loving relationship. As you say, it's better to be honest and open from the beginning. Open communication is crucial, especially nowadays. I found this article by chance, and read it at the perfect time. It's much clearer now what I need to do in order to achieve effective communication in my life. Thank you!
(18) LaVonia, December 28, 2011 3:01 AM
Thank you for this post. I esppecially liked the line,"express yourself in a way that shows understanding of your spouse's personality and he will respond in kind." This is a great way to sum up good communication. I also have a blog and write about marraige and family issues. It is: letsthinkhealthy.com (let's think healthy.com) Thank you again for this great post.
(17) Wale Adu Israel, November 12, 2011 1:46 AM
What an essential tool
Before i thought keeping quiet mean nothing in relationship not until i entered the business. Indeed, if you really want to save your home,you got to communicate.There must be a mutual rapport between the couple if not the marriage is as good as scatter. May God save our home.
(16) Joseph Sakala, September 9, 2011 2:15 AM
GOOD COMMUNICATION IS THE THERMOMETER OF A MARRIAGE
Good communication is the thermometer of a marriage. In just about 60 or so odd days time, my wife and I will be celebrating our 20 th Wedding Anniversary! Women need to be talked to all the time and listened to also. I make it a point to talk to my wife the first instance I have an opportunity when I travel abroad. I also try to speak to her even if I have nothing in the world to talk about. Women expect men to talk to them. Adams first words to Eve were," Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." And ever since, women have been expecting to hear more...And communication is more than words, its a lot of action!
(15) Anonymous, August 31, 2011 12:58 AM
We are just married recently and I have found out that mostly I do the talking and share everything with him. I told my husband to share somethings with me and treat me like your friend and be open to me like I am with him. He is a good listener but he hardly share anything. I get bored. Communication is important in marriage but it has to be both sides. Please tell me what I should do.
sabrina, November 4, 2011 9:10 AM
totally understand
I have been married for 1yr. I love my husband and apericiate his listing ability. Sometimes I just need to vent. However, I have recentially talked with him about the disconnet i feel becaue we don't have conversations that involve his exchange of ideas or opinion. I want to connect with him and feel that we are missing something that is truly special, an opportunity to share an experience about life. You husband may not know how to do this. I would suggest getting with aprogesinal who can help you discover a way to improve this area before it creats bigger problems in your marriage.
(14) Pastor Adediran Kayode, May 31, 2011 11:23 AM
Yes! communication is essential in all relationship
I am an introvert. after marriage i discovered that keeping quiet always does not help issues especially when you have an extrovert as a partner. to keep our marriage and avoid cold war in marriage, i have to open up and talk things over. Good communication keeps relationship. I agree with you that in every relationship communication network must be left opened always.
(13) Anonymous, April 13, 2011 5:00 AM
IT DEPENDS ON HOW STRONG THE RELATIONSHIP IS
i agree that communication is very important in a marriage. however, some people take that to mean that we can have open discussions & honest 'remarks' just about anytime we deem fit. Being honest without being offensive or critical - that's more important. Also to communicate with love, thro' love .... sometimes we are so busy trying to be right that we create resentment
(12) ricky, April 12, 2010 10:32 PM
NEED 2 TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
The main problem is that you end up talking to yourself simply because women (some), do not care about what you have to say, they are allways right!!
(11) christine kundu, October 13, 2009 11:42 AM
There is no marriage without communication,not just marriage but all relationships call fo effective communication.
(10) vijay, September 20, 2009 8:16 AM
Respect and committment to oneself!!!
Love is not a spark.. its committment to oneself and to other person. When you think, your spouse pays no attention to yourself, do not think that he/she is not interested in you anymore.but talk it out.
(9) Marcus, September 20, 2008 10:46 AM
Reading between the lines
Growing up I was always the quiet one. Now that I'm married I'm having some issues with this. I have absolutely 0 ability to read between the lines. Also, there are times where there are moments when I say something and my wife takes it in a way I never conceived of, then she's mad at me for days and I can't get through. Any help?
(8) nicole, June 24, 2008 10:07 PM
Please get it right! Women want honesty in their marriage, about our weight, about our cooking, about our love making,about everything including if you cheat. We will be hurt, but there is a level of respect that stays there for the man. It is all in the way the you present it. Always present it with love in your heart.
(7) DAN KOD, August 14, 2007 12:39 PM
cool
just joined but it gonna be enjoyable
(6) suzy, August 12, 2007 6:05 PM
To anon 7/30
The author is saying that we should do both. We should communicate to each other well, but if someone says only a little, we should read b/t the lines and figure out the message. I think though the main message here is to communicate well so know what each other wants
(5) F.Okpaje, October 11, 2006 5:48 AM
Great lessons for even the so call untroubled relationships
In all I think in a relationship/marriage, it demands 100pecent of both to succed.not 50/50.
Thank you so much for some of the words of wisdom.
(4) Shawn Johnson, July 5, 2006 12:00 AM
Marriage and wanting to improve it
It's not bad but I always say everything can be improved.
(3) joe blo, April 29, 2005 12:00 AM
good article
It is a good article on communication in marriage. It has good techniques that if used would enrich many marriages.
(2) Anonymous, July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
conflicting and contradictory information is given in this writting
No wonder people are confused.
This article starts off terribly and gives confusing advise. It's asking you to analyse and read between the lines yets talks about how clearly we should communicate....
The advise on what to say to your husband if he has given you flowers one too many times is awful and would probably put anyone on the defensive.
direct communication is good but why screw that up by then enforcing and advising on how you'd like to see the money spent.
(1) Anonymous, October 14, 2000 12:00 AM
great article on communication
I really enjoyed reading the article on communication in a marriage. Could you please mail me more information on the art of communicating with your mate.