We all know that marriage is difficult. Almost 50 percent of married couples in North America get divorced, which means that one in two couples must be so miserable, they give up. Of the couples that do stay together, how many of them are truly happy? Why would people subject themselves to this institution; what makes it all worthwhile?
I posed this collection of questions to a group of students I was lecturing to at University of Toronto. They were frustrated because they intuited that marriage is worth the effort, but they could not adequately articulate why. Family, companionship, stability and love were some of the responses they gave. While these are all valid benefits of marriage, they do not effectively explain what specifically about marriage makes it worthwhile. There are many couples that love each other but get divorced, as do those that have children, stability and companionship. A successful marriage must be dependant on other intangibles.
My rabbi taught me that to begin to understand a concept, you must first define it. The technical definition of Jewish marriage is, of course, the giving of the ring under the chuppah with the expressed intent of marriage, validated by two witnesses. This definition describes the lifetime commitment the couple makes to each other before man and God.
But what exactly is the couple committing to? A lifetime together -- for what purpose?
There is another, more philosophical definition of marriage: A lifetime commitment to constantly provide emotional intimacy to your spouse, thereby uncovering your true self and, ultimately, your unique purpose for being created.
Each clause of this definition reveals the foundation of a successful marriage.
A lifetime commitment:
Marriage is meant to last forever. You are committed for the long haul; therefore figure out whatever you need to make it work. When you argue, are frustrated, tired or bored, say to each other: "We are in this together, forever. Let us get through this, because on the other side lies the happiness we both want, the happiness a successful marriage provides."
To constantly:
Marriage takes constant work. A great marriage does not just passively unfold after marrying your soul-mate. Instead, the commitment of marriage is a lifetime of proactive "everydays:"
Everyday I will recommit myself to this person.
Everyday I will make my spouse happy.
Everyday I will communicate with my spouse.
Everyday I will make my spouse feel special.
Everyday I will make my spouse feel that I am the most blessed person in the world to be married to him/her.
Everyday I will unload his/her burden.
Everyday…
(Gratitude + Love) x Communication = Emotional Intimacy.
For a marriage to be successful, it must be the top priority in your life. You must work harder and smarter on your marriage than you do at work, parenting or other relationships, but you will find that the success of this relationship will aid you in all other pursuits. Ignoring your marriage to focus on other things will ultimately create chaos in all areas of your life, not just your marriage.
Provide emotional intimacy to your spouse:
The definition of emotional intimacy is to constantly make your spouse feel that he/she is the most important aspect of your life; it is the key to a happy marriage.
A marriage is a bank account whose currency is feelings and making your spouse feel fulfilled, happy, loved, cherished, desired and respected are deposits in the account. The emotions of distance, discontent, apathy, feeling secondary, disrespect and being critical are all withdrawals from the account. A happy marriage is one with an abundant emotional bank.
How you make your spouse feel is more important than the reality of the situation. If there is an issue that needs to be taken care of within the marriage, first deal with the feelings and then, once they have been resolved, address the issue itself.
How do you create emotional intimacy? There is an Emotional Intimacy Quotient (EIQ): (G + L) x C = EI, which is (Gratitude + Love) x Communication = Emotional Intimacy.
Gratitude is the awareness of all the kindness your spouse does for you, of which you must recognize. A daily gratitude diary is a great way to get in the habit of noticing. Everyday, add five new things your spouse has done for you and then communicate your appreciation of these kindnesses; this is true gratitude.
Love is the feeling you get when you focus on and appreciate your spouse's virtues, positive attributes and character traits. Your daily gratitude diary can double as a daily love journal. Everyday, list five of your spouse's virtues and communicate them. Express each virtue with the words, "You are… (virtue x)," while making deliberate eye contact. Each day that you communicate gratitude and love will be one in which you experience emotional intimacy.
Thereby uncovering your true self:
Emotional intimacy demands honesty and growth. You cannot be dishonest about yourself with your spouse and be truly intimate at the same time. Emotional intimacy is a growth process, where you are always working to connect at deeper and deeper levels. You need to uncover any hidden layers within you that block the emotional connections to your soul mate. You will begin a journey to places inside yourself that you have never before been challenged to reach; there you will find fears, insecurities and anxieties concealed in the crevices of your subconscious that you will have to work through to achieve greater intimacy with your spouse. Each layer that you remove uncovers more of your true self and character; an intimate marriage is the one place where you cannot hide from yourself.
And ultimately, your unique purpose for being created:
Once your true self is unleashed, your relationship to the outside world begins to change. You will discover deeper meanings in other pursuits. You will transform your environment to reflect, and be in harmony with, your inner self. Honesty and integrity will define you, as love and meaning pursue you. Personal growth will be your determining measure of success. An unbridled passion for life will radiate from you. You will find a gentle peace and begin to understand your special place in the universe. Slowly, your relationship with your Creator will begin to mirror the thriving relationship you have with your spouse.
REACHING THE DIVINE
In teaching the commandment to love God, Maimonides, the 12th century Jewish philosopher and scholar, writes that one's love for God should parallel one's love for a spouse, though the former should be even more intense. One should be "love sick," thinking of your spouse "whether you are sitting or standing, eating or drinking." The connection to your spouse should be so intense that he/she is with you in every aspect -- in your heart, your mind and your soul.
Once you experience this passion through the physical realm of marriage, you have acquired the tools to connect to the spiritual equivalent and create a loving connection with your Creator. Your intimacy with the Divine will be determined by the very depth and intensity of passion you share with your spouse.
Through marriage, you have the potential to uncover who you really are and the unique qualities you possess to share with the world. You have the potential to sincerely connect with another human being without barriers, apprehensions or inhibitions. And emotional portals to connect with the Almighty with boundless passion will await you.
Reprinted with permission from Sasson magazine.
Visit Aryeh Pamensky at www.pamenskylive.com
(30) JCooke, December 30, 2012 9:47 PM
I need advice on how to move on
I thought i had this love and commitment. I thought that my husband loved me more than anything. We had a daughter together and he worked out of town alot. Find out that he had a Jezebel on the side and she was an ex girl-friend from years before I met him. He makes excuses for it and says he did love me. Love is a commitment and he only commitment to his selfish needs behind my back. We tried counseling but too uch trust is gone and love is gone on my part. His lover was the one who called and told the nasty story.
(29) Anu, November 12, 2012 10:08 AM
Marriage is the best bondage..
couples are made in heaven....it is the beautiful relation where two hearts understands each other and share all their happiness,troubles n everything...dnt let ur spouse feel down...always give them confidence that i will be with u always what ever may be the situation..and see how the magic works....
(28) susan, October 16, 2012 9:12 AM
great article
This is a great summation of what marriage 101should advocate.The emotional IQ is a great barometer for how to achieve shalom bayit. thank you
(27) eric, June 6, 2011 1:22 AM
marriage has no purpose
marriage means nothing at all.it has no purpose but to hurt the kinder more loving person and more financially successful person.if two peop[le love each other but one feels they need to marry then they do feel secure..
(26) jes, March 2, 2011 6:16 AM
In teaching the commandment to love God, Maimonides, the 12th century Jewish philosopher and scholar, writes that one's love for God should parallel one's love for a spouse, though the former should be even more intense. One should be "love sick," th
Through marriage, you have the potential to uncover who you really are and the unique qualities you possess to share with the world. You have the potential to sincerely connect with another human being without barriers, apprehensions or inhibitions. And emotional portals to connect with the Almighty with boundless passion will await you.
(25) Anonymous, September 20, 2010 12:11 PM
lies and communication
religiously speaking, what is one spouse to do if the other spouse doesn't communicate with the other and also lies to the other?
(24) , November 16, 2009 8:44 PM
Re: #19
Get her into marriage therapy or even to a psychologist/psychiatrist. If it doesn't improve, get a divorce! Otherwise, you will be divorced later, or unhappy your entire life!
(23) Anonymous, March 9, 2009 10:46 AM
This article was great! Rabbi, Thank you so much for taking the time to share with others good godly wisdom! For those who need more practical ways to apply this to your marriage read "The Five Love Languages" or "Love & Respect" both biblical based marriage altering books!!!!
(22) munyaradzi, November 4, 2008 7:03 AM
respect
hello, its my first time to come across this website.thanks alot because it is making me to understand a lot of things concerning marriage. HOW DO I MAKE MY WIFE TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHE SHOULD RESPECT ME AT HOME.
Anonymous, October 10, 2012 4:31 AM
By respecting HER!
(21) Anonymous, October 3, 2008 4:37 PM
Just a question...
i beleive in marriage and everything that has been said has really opened an understanding about marriage, i was asked by my partner what is the difference between getting married and not getting married?,if everyday you go through ups and downs you share the love that you have for each other you communicate in every way, i wanted to give him a really good reason but nothing really came to mind only the word commitment, but then asked me wats the difference between making a commitment wen ur not married then to when you are married, does it signing a piece of paper make a difference to whether you keep it in your heart?...i dnt know if im making sence but if you coukld help me out plzz...
(20) Anonymous, September 3, 2008 9:23 AM
I find this article very timely for me. I will be married soon and I have been asking myself what techniques to use to keep our relationship going and being an example.Thanks for this brilliant idea of a daily gratitude diary. I believe strongly that my role in marriage is seek the happiness of my spouse looking at what I done for her,and what is left to be done. Thanks
(19) SHAUN, December 21, 2007 5:33 AM
HOW DO I GET HER TO SEE HER FAULTS
HOW DO I GET MY WIFE TO AGREE ON ALL THESE THINGS LISTED ABOVE, I'M NOT A SAINT BUT MOST OF THE ABOVE I ALREADY DO AND I CAN BETTER MYSELF BUT SHE DOES NOTHING. OUR EMOTIONAL BANK IS EMPTY
(18) Phil Whitesell, November 2, 2007 8:47 PM
Marriage
I think you just saved my marriage. Thank you!
(17) Anonymous, August 12, 2007 10:15 PM
I need more help
I would like to try everything you suggested here but how can I bring the idea up to my husband. We've only been married 7 months, so everything I've found is talking about people that have been married for years. We've lost touch. He doesn't communicate his love for me unless I do it first. He used to be better at expressing himself than me and now there is just no emotion coming from him unless it's negative or I give the positive first. I was gone for a week two times, And not once did he call me. Those were our first times being away from each other for so long. Our happy reunion lasted only one night, the night I got back. The next day it was like I was never gone and was already on his nerves. Please help me...us
(16) Anonymous, January 30, 2007 7:10 AM
We both feel ingratitude
He feels this way and so do I.
I guess we are not meant for each other.
Thanks
Maybe next time around
(15) chedva, November 28, 2006 11:51 PM
nice, but
Makes sense to me, but I have a question about the emotional intimacy part. What you are saying would seem to work well with two people who are literate in emotional intimacy. But what happens when one is self-aware but is not able to trust the other and therefore doesn't self-disclose? Second, what happens when one is self-aware and the other has his/her defenses all lined up, and is unable to be emotionally intimate? The way I see it, I can only be as intimate with the other as I am with myself. And I can only be intimate with the other if I trust he/she will not emotionally hurt me with it.
(14) Anonymous, September 30, 2006 11:21 AM
wonderful
I was very moved and inspired by your thoughts on marriage and all the different ways to improve, this really gave me a new awakening. thanks
(13) Anonymous, July 25, 2006 12:00 AM
well described!! Very inspiring and true!! It takes alot of work to keep a marriage going and one has to be strong!! Do you have more inspiring thoughts on marriage and ways to improve?
(12) amazing, July 20, 2006 12:00 AM
i would love more details on this. ie marriage and relationships.more iformation on premarital councelling etc
(11) Tricia, July 6, 2006 12:00 AM
Purpose of Marriage
Purpose of Marriage. We talked this morning about is anyone ever 100% in a relationship.
(10) Gideon Kiptoo Koskei, July 3, 2006 12:00 AM
Mariage is a lifetime committment between two people who love each other.
your materials on marriage are current and meeting the needs of todays married partners and prepare those who want to enter into this committment of marriage.
(9) Thomas Copeland, June 28, 2006 12:00 AM
Permission to Reprint Requested
For the past 36 years I have asked my freshman writers to write on a variety of topics involving the serious consideration of the purpose and nature of marriage, but until recent events impelled me to search the Web, I have ignored a wealth of reading material from which they would benefit. "The Purpose of Marriage" is noteworthy among the many religious essays available online, in that it eschews politics and focuses principally on relationships rather than on procreation.
(8) Anonymous, October 2, 2005 12:00 AM
So Perfect
I'm dumfounded by this article that has so simply and yet perfectly put into words that which is so utterly difficult to express. Something like a revelation on paper. This one is a keeper, to be read and reread, considered and reconsidered, and cherished. A big, big thanks, Rabbi Pamensky
(7) Anonymous, February 23, 2005 12:00 AM
I enjoyed reading this article and agree with eveything in it, it's incredible how simple things are in life and we make them difficult, thank you.
(6) Donna Karen, February 18, 2005 12:00 AM
Very Well Put
Thank you very much for verbalizing what I've internally understood to be true. The act of giving of yourself to another in a selfless, loving marital relationship is the highest and best use of one's emotional energy. When one understands that marriage is liberating as opposed to confining (as many long-term single people mostly-but not exclusively-of the male gender believe) there is real potential to effect substantial and positive change in all other aspects your life.
(5) MALKA, February 10, 2005 12:00 AM
GREAT ARTICLE
THANKS FOR SHEDDING SOME LIGHT ON THIS SUBJECT. AS A DATER, IT HELPS ME FOCUS ON WHAT I TREULY WANT OUT OF LIFE. THANKS AGAIN RABBI A. PAMENSKY!
(4) Anonymous, February 7, 2005 12:00 AM
great for newlyweds
I found this article very informative as well as spiritual. Some people may be afraid to summon up their feelings. Feel uncomfortable. But I as a female feel that this emotional response of appreciation & verbalization is very important to a happy marriage. I think that men, I think, find it hard to express their innermost feelings & therefore if they read this article it will help them understand their wife better. Thanks
(3) Miryam, February 7, 2005 12:00 AM
A wonderful and marvelous article.
This is one wonderful and marvelous article. Thank you Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, I am forwarding this article to husband so he can read it!
(2) Anonymous, February 6, 2005 12:00 AM
I'd like more articles by Aryeh Paminsky.
(1) Alan S. Acker, February 6, 2005 12:00 AM
Statistics
Although not germane to the spiritual message, the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce is often cited but wrong. The statistic is arrived at by looking at the number of marriages entered into during a year and the number of divorces granted in the same year. This is not an accurate way of estimating a divorce rate.
Most respectfully,
Leslie, May 22, 2014 4:47 PM
Statisitics
Wow! How do you calculate the "real" divorce rate then?