Intimacy is primarily about how two people make each other feel. If you consistently make each other feel good, then you feel close to each other. If you consistently make each other feel bad, you feel distant from each other.
There are thousands of books written on the psychology of intimacy and love. The Torah provides a profoundly simple formula for creating and maintaining intimacy based on the premise that emotional intimacy depends upon how well you handle negative or troubling feelings. The formula of which I speak is found in the book of Leviticus 19:16-19. There are seven commandments which follow one another in quick succession. Contained in these verses are fundamental psychological principles about how to stay in love for the rest of your life.
As you study this formula, rate yourself and your partner on each principle on a scale from 1-10. 1 = failing miserably. 10 = consistently excellent.
1. "You Shall Not Be a Tale Bearer Among Your People."
Principle A: Strong boundaries are necessary to protect intimate relationships.
This commandment warns us against telling someone what someone else said about him or her, if sharing this information will hurt the person or cause any kind of harm. One underlying principle here is about setting boundaries in order to protect your relationship. Every relationship needs to be protected from outside influences that might harm it. You must carefully watch what you say to others about your spouse.
As a general rule, I tell married couples that any problems in your marriage should never be shared with anyone outside the relationship unless you have permission from your spouse to do so. This is one aspect of setting good boundaries.
A common fatal mistake in this regard is when married couples share their problems with family members. Parents and in-laws need to be kept out of your marriage. Parents must respect your privacy and if they don't, need to be told to stay out. Once you're married, your spouse is your number one priority.
Principle B: Carefully watch every word you say to others.
We are never permitted to hurt anyone with our words. This is a simple idea, with very profound consequences. We are always responsible for what we say to another person, especially our spouse! Yet, we see how careless and lazy so many couples are with their words.
It is never right to call your spouse names, curse at her, or even raise your voice to her, if it will scare or intimidate her. Imagine how much greater their love would be if every couple followed just this one guideline. Every word you say to each other has either a positive or negative impact on how you feel. If you want to be in love forever, you must constantly monitor and control the way you talk to each other. There is no such thing as "down time" in a marriage; every interaction matters. Every word you speak to each other will either bring you closer or push you further apart. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10.
2. "You Shall Not Stand Idly By The Blood Of Your Neighbor."
Principle: Do not dismiss another person's emotional pain.
How do you respond to your spouse when he or she is in pain or in a bad mood? Do you get upset and intolerant or do you listen with patience? Most of us don't like it when our partner is in a bad mood. In fact, sometimes we even resent it.
Frequently our bad moods are an expression of emotional pain. I suggest you try to see them as a cry for help. When I'm in a bad mood, what I'm really saying is, "I'm in pain and need you to understand and support me." This commandment tells us that it is an obligation to be sensitive to other people's pain and certainly not cause them more pain if they're already in pain.
It is never acceptable to dismiss or attack someone who is in pain, let alone your spouse! How many times has your spouse said to you, "Just get over it already." This is not only insensitive, it's cruel.
One of the deepest needs of a human being is to be understood. When we dismiss our spouse's pain, we are very far from providing a nurturing experience of being understood. Every time we reject our spouse's pain and don't take the time to understand him or her, we are missing a great opportunity to create more closeness. One of the greatest acts of kindness that a person can do for another is to listen without judgment. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.
3. "You Shall Not Hate Your Friend In Your Heart."
Principle: Don't dismiss or deny bad feelings. You are responsible to process and resolve your bad feelings about others.
The biblical commentators point out that the power of this commandment lies in the words, "in your heart." The implication is that it's normal to have bad feelings, even feelings of hatred. Only Mr. Spock never has bad feelings towards others. Unfortunately, many people who grew up in emotionally unhealthy homes don't give themselves permission to feel their bad feelings, or for that matter, even their good feelings. Some people actually believe that highly evolved people don't ever experience bad feelings.
This is not the Judaism's view of human emotion. The Torah assumes we will have bad feelings towards others, and the key is not to hold onto them and let them stew in your heart. The problem isn't having bad feelings; it's not being able to manage them effectively! And the prerequisite for managing feelings effectively is the necessity of being emotionally honest with yourself.
We all occasionally have bad feelings towards our spouse. But bad feelings that are not understood and resolved become toxic and destructive. They must be dealt with and understood.
Beating yourself up, feeling guilty or blaming others are ways to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings. There are four ways you can explore and resolve your negative feelings. Work them through yourself, speak to a friend, or discuss them with your partner. And if the bad feelings persist, talk with a professional.
One of the challenges of staying in love is learning from and resolving your negative feelings towards your spouse. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.
4. "You Shall Certainly Rebuke Your Neighbor."
Principle A: When someone hurts you, communicate with him about how you feel.
We are not permitted to dismiss people from our lives because they hurt us. Judaism requires that we communicate with those who hurt us and try to repair the relationship by communicating openly and honestly. In marriage, good communication is about telling my spouse how you feel in order to repair breakdowns in the relationship.
Principle B: In order to communicate, you must feel safe.
In order to talk about your feelings with your spouse, he or she must be receptive to listening and allowing you to express how you feel without judgment, ridicule, or criticism. Creating a safe space for sharing your feelings is a necessary prerequisite for open and honest communication. How safe do you feel with your spouse? And how safe do you make your spouse feel? Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.
5. "You Shall Not Bear Sin Because Of Him."
Principle: Communicating how you feel does not give you license to shame your spouse, make him feel guilty, or abuse him.
Rashi, the famous Biblical commentator, interprets this commandment as a prohibition against shaming another person when telling them how we feel. Shame is one of the most painful feelings a person can experience. This is why Judaism compares it to spilling one's blood.
There are three communication styles. Some people never tell their spouse how they really feel. This is the passive style, which only results in much suffering and distancing. Of course, sometimes the reason why a spouse chooses not to communicate his or her feelings is because they are afraid of how their spouse will react. This is why it is essential that couples learn how to create a safe space for each other. If you don't feel safe with your spouse, you will never tell her how you really feel.
The other unacceptable communication style is aggressive. Aggressive people only know how to yell and be angry in order to get their feelings out. This is obviously not effective and in many cases is abusive.
The style that works is assertive. Assertive communication means you can tell your spouse how you feel without provocation. Assertive communication gives you the opportunity to be heard and understood. The most you can do is express your feelings honestly and respectively to your spouse. He or she may choose to listen or may choose not to, but at least you did your part by expressing yourself assertively.
One of the most important relationship skills that couples must have in order to succeed is what Dr. Jon Gottman calls the ability "to repair breakdowns." Assertive communication is the essential tool needed in order to repair breakdowns. A breakdown is considered repaired when no resentment, anger or other bad feelings remain. This implies that repair means the conflict is 100 percent repaired. Ninety percent is not good enough. If you have 50 fights and repair each one 90 percent, you are left with ten percent resentment multiplied by 50. Those little amounts of resentment add up quickly!
When resentment or any bad feeling lingers, the relationship weakens and love disintegrates. The "issue" is rarely the problem. The communication about the issue is the real problem! Lasting love is built on assertive communication. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.
6. "Don't Take Revenge or Bear a Grudge."
Principle: If you don't finish all "old business," you will continue to hurt each other.
Unfortunately, too many couples don't repair their breakdowns 100 percent and as a result build up scores of toxic feelings and unresolved issues that are never brought to closure. When old wounds are not fully healed, they become infected and love begins to fade. This commandment tells us two ways that people try to hurt the one who hurt them: taking revenge and bearing a grudge.
Taking revenge in marriage means "getting even" or getting back at your spouse. This may look like withholding help or pleasure from your spouse such as intimacy, affection, or any kindness. How often do couples give each other the silent treatment, withdraw or attack the other with accusations or complaints? These are all forms of taking revenge and will obviously extinguish the flames of love.
Bearing a grudge is the other way we try to hurt back. We are bearing a grudge when we say to our spouse, "Okay I'll help you this time, but don't think you can get away with what you did to me again!" Or, "I'll help you, because I don't want to stoop to your level." Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.
7. "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself."
Principle: When we resolve our bad feelings towards others, we create a space for love.
The fact that the commandment of love comes last in the series indicates the truth of this principle: love and intimacy cannot flourish and grow in an atmosphere of negative feelings. Bad feelings must me confronted and resolved if you want to stay in love the rest of your life. It's always easier to ignore our feelings or try to rationalize them away. But this approach never works!
The difficult road – and ultimately the only road – is to acknowledge and understand our troubling feelings and take responsibility to work on them. You must make a commitment to be emotionally honest with yourself and your spouse. If you don't feel the love you want to feel, it is because you and/or your spouse are holding on to bad feelings that have not been dealt with effectively.
Rabbi Noah Weinberg defines love as the pleasure we experience when we identify someone with their virtues, while accepting them with their faults. When there are bad feelings such as anger, resentment, shame, loneliness, and guilt, they cloud our ability to see the good in another person. Negativity always obscures the positive. Only when you've created a space for love by removing the negative can you consistently identify and appreciate the virtues in your spouse which generate love. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10.
(25) I'm blessed, August 22, 2013 1:30 PM
love
We should walk in love
(24) Hasib, February 1, 2012 1:16 PM
It really works!
(23) rhoneyman, May 15, 2011 2:31 PM
good book on topic
intimacy & desire by david schnarch addresses much of this in a prescriptive (but not typically new-age, self-help) fashion. well worth reading if you're still in the relationship but going through rocky shoals. too bad i came across it after my marriage was toast.
(22) Jon Light, April 13, 2007 11:00 AM
My wife and I didn't follow most of these rules
My wife and I didn't follow most of these rules, and now we are seperated. Now I love her, but she is not in love with me. Please everyone, follow these rules closely in marriage, and let your spouse know everyday you will love them always and forever. I would so appreciate prayers for God to intervene and restore our love, and my marriage on a new level.
(21) Rashawn, April 9, 2007 9:00 PM
This article is so true.
I can really relate to this article,and I know there is alot of other couples who need this. Thank You!!!
(20) Anonymous, November 6, 2006 7:58 PM
is it do-able?
YES! My husband and I interact with each other according to these principles almost 100% of the time. If both parties are committed to working on these principles, it is do-able.
But you have to be able to go slowly and forgive yourself when you make mistakes. If 1/2 day would be hard, start with just the mornings. Then, mornings and dinner time. Etc, etc. Commitment and respect for each other are the keys.
(19) Anonymous, November 4, 2006 10:12 AM
Is it really do-able?
In theory , it sounds great!
In practice,I might keep it up half a day.
If I`m really going to work hard on myself, I`ll keep it up for an entire day. (but then I mean really hard)
But then...
It`s just not lasting.
Dear Rabbi, please convince me that it is & show me how ?!
I just don`t see it happening...
(18) stephaniethomspson, November 2, 2006 1:04 PM
informative and truthful. continue to bring truth into a mordern society
(17) tonya, October 4, 2006 8:59 PM
nicely written
Thank you. Good use of the scripture.
You packed a lot of good info into a well organized format.
(16) Anonymous, September 24, 2006 9:45 PM
I just read your articles on how to have lasting love and i really appreciate it. Now I know what kind of communication me & my spouse have, just pray that with this we can settle our problem. God Bless
(15) Anonymous, September 16, 2006 8:36 AM
Great Ideas!! Great to make available! Very NEEDED
see summary
(14) Anonymous, September 16, 2006 3:03 AM
Thank you, I agree
Thank you for bringing these points together in one place in such a concise manner. They are things I have been realizing myself (in the 6th year of marriage) that just do not have a replacement: respect and courtesy for one's closest family cannot be replaced by any amount of "being right" or "being honest"--so thank you for separating the different aspects of this out, as I was having trouble defining them more than a general feeling of needing to be more respectful for each other.
(13) JeffreyWallach,LCSW-R, September 4, 2006 10:19 PM
As a clinical social worker and therapist for 27 years I agree with your article, especially your choice for the first commandment.
(12) Gisele, September 4, 2006 2:43 PM
No one is able to follow this, unfortunately!
I see both in my former marriage, and even in the marriages of some of my closest friends, that no one can follow this sage advice! If people followed this code of morals, we would not have the epidemic of divorce in our Klal, including my former marriage. I tried to follow these adages when I was married, but it is so hard to go at it alone, because my ex would not try any of this above advice, when our counselors gave this advice to us all the time. So when one partner refuses to live an Alylich Torah Home with respect, and kindness, you can't remain in this type of marriage. I felt my Bayit Neeman Bi'Yisroel did not exist when I lived with a husband who brought corosive behavior in our home, and never showed respect to me, only regarded me as his property for his intimacy needs, to be fulfilled in a tasteless fashion!
(11) Anonymous, September 4, 2006 11:55 AM
This is an excellent article which I will forward to many of my family and friends.
(10) Anonymous, September 4, 2006 7:44 AM
very good
Provided with some soulutions I have been looking for and confirmed what I already thought I knew. Especially the last paragraph. thank you, so much
(9) Anonymous, September 4, 2006 3:03 AM
so very helpful, thank you
good for all relationships!
(8) TovaSaul, September 4, 2006 2:54 AM
Easier said than done
Steve Martin once had a routine that went: "YOU can be a MILLIONAIRE, and not pay taxes. Yes, YOU can be a MILLIONAIRE, and not pay taxes...First-------Get a million dollars, and then...." This article reminds of his routine. "You can have a happy marriage, and not feel negative feelings! First, work through your negative feelings, then....."
(7) Anonymous, September 4, 2006 1:37 AM
ritagold's response is quite puzzling.
Ritagold's comment--"too simplistic in to-day's complex world" is quite puzzling. I can't see what her response has to do with this article. Indeeed, it offers extremely valuable, compassionate solutions to the problems that can affect marriages in today's complex world. I have been married 43 years and found it quite helpful. From what she says, though, ritagold doesn't sound very happy . Perhaps she should re-read this story. It's far from "simplistic."
And she might really find it helpful.
(6) Kathryn, September 3, 2006 5:43 PM
Bullseye!
I failed at one marriage because I didn't use the techniques/skills described in this article. I know Rabbi Heller is "dead on" in this, and am I'm striving to do these things now--respectfully and assertively--in an attempt to succeed this time. The tricky part is that we sometimes reach for suggestions like these *after* we've caused damage to the relationship and our spouse, and then the other may not be as motivated to try anymore. These kinds of couples-skills work best when both are participating equally and reciprocally. Still, one partner can always reach out by making the first move, so to speak.
I greatly appreciate this article and am printing it (two copies :) ) for study and reference. Thanks Rabbi!
(5) Anonymous, September 3, 2006 12:35 PM
Thank you!
This article is most helpful and makes a lot of sense. Thank you Rabbi Heller!
(4) BernardToledanoVaena, September 3, 2006 12:16 PM
I found very wise your comments about how to keep a strong relashonship in the marriage
(3) DorieRosenberg, September 3, 2006 12:06 PM
Your articles are great.
I loved the way Rabbi Heller related Torah commandments to life-lessons on love.
(2) Anonymous, September 3, 2006 9:23 AM
AWESOME
THIS ARTICLE WAS AMAZING I learned from it.I am a divorced woman of 20 years.I was 17 yrs old he 18. I was married because,I was Pregnant and it was the "Thing To Do" We were both Catholic and were told that we HAD to get Married. Things were good for awhile. We had 4 children in all. I tried everything to make it work and as long as "I did not rock the boat" we managed. But as the years went by things totally fell apart. So, after a 35 year marriage I left to hopefully wake up my husband. He did not wake up and because of Pride we parted, I had hoped he would say NO...I Love You and we will work this out, but that did not happen.We never had it right... and this article told me why..I have never re-married after 20 yrs apart.My children and Grandchidren are my Joy and I thank God for them. They were the Gift of the Marriage. They have never made me sorry I kept it together for soooo long.They all have successful Marriages and I Praise God for that. Thank you for your eye opening Article.
(1) ritagold, September 3, 2006 8:36 AM
too simplistic in to-day's complex world!
We're married 56 years. We try to give each other space esp now that we're together much more. I'm out-going. Al could spend ours "doing his own thing": Besides, almost all men and women see things so differentlyP! rita g