Does your husband make you crazy because he's always late? Does your wife make you crazy because she insists on organizing your socks? Does your husband make you crazy because he's not spontaneous enough? Does your wife make you crazy because she's so scattered?
And do they make you crazy because no matter what you say, no matter how certain you are that your way is right, they don't change?
These and similar scenarios are being played out in marriages across the country on a daily basis. She expresses love with gifts. He expresses it with hugs. She wants to analyze a problem from all angles. He wants a quick decision. She agonizes over every purchase. He just grabs whatever fits. Etc. etc. etc.
The Talmud gives us an interesting insight into this phenomenon: "Just as no two faces are the same, likewise no two people think alike." (Brachot 5:9)
Carl Jung elaborated on this theme. Famous for his dream interpretation and arguments with Freud, perhaps his most relevant contribution was his delineation of different personality types.
Just as no two faces are the same, likewise no two people think alike.
As we all know from experience, different people approach life differently. Sometimes that's exciting. Sometimes that's maddening. But it is. We all have different personality preferences that shape our approach to life.
What we assume is stubbornness on the part of our spouse, or even worse, defiance (or worst of all, not listening to us), is usually a reflection of the fact that they are a different personality type. They don't look at the world the way we do.
And not only that. Frequently that's why we married them. (So stop gnashing your teeth). There is truth to the magnetic principle that opposites attract. If you were raised in a very chaotic home, you may be attracted to another's stability and reliability. If you were raised to be very responsible, you find the spontaneity of another refreshing. Some creative tension is good for a relationship.
This concept finds expression in the Torah, which describes the first marriage, between Adam and Eve, as "Ezer K'neg'do." This oxymoron literally means "a helper in opposition." Can a helper be in opposition?! But that is precisely the point. By serving as a counter-balance, each spouse fills the role as each other's "helper." The sense of completion comes not through the similarities, but through the differences.
In fact, the Hebrew word "shalom" comes from the root shalem, meaning complete and whole. The definition of peace is not where "everyone is the same," it is where all the parts are working respectfully toward mutual completion.
HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIPS
We are stimulated by and attracted to different ways of being. On a deep level we recognize that this forces us to grow personally and to expand our vision. On a superficial level the differences are just plain exciting. But they can also spell trouble.
How can we avoid this struggle? How can we use this information about our spouses to enhance rather than, God forbid, destroy our marriages?
First we need to understand each other. Two excellent books, "Appreciating People" by Miriam Adahan, and "Type Talk" by Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen, help us make sense of Jung's system.
A quick lesson could radically alter your marriage. (And your parenting, too. Stay tuned for another article.)
In its most simplified version (and with the provision that yes, there are exceptions to every rule!) Jung delineates eight personality traits (four pairs). Everyone has one of each pair of personality types.
The beauty of the system is that no one type is better than another.
The advantage of his method is that it leads to understanding. We value our partner's unique contribution to our marriage and we appreciate it more (or at least we find it less frustrating) when seen in the context of an overall personality. The beauty of the system is that no one type is better than another. Just learning lesson will guarantee a stronger marriage and healthier relationships overall.
Not only are there no "better" types, but a truly successful couple knows how to use their diversity as a strength, allowing their personalities -- and possibly opposing character traits -- to complement each other.
Enough preamble.
FOUR CATEGORIES
In a nutshell (with apologies to Jung and his disciples), here are the Big Eight:
1-2. Extrovert or Introvert: Perhaps you were attracted to your wife's independent streak. Now you're frustrated that she doesn't want to join the clubs you do, that she's not a team player, and that she prefers to go out alone with you and not with a group of friends.
As individuals, we are either energized by being with people, or by being alone. Perhaps you want guests, your wife doesn't. Maybe she's not lazy like you thought she was -- she's an introvert. She wants a romantic birthday dinner for two; he wants a loud party with 50 of his closest friends. He's not afraid of intimacy, nor is he diminishing the value of your company -- he's an extrovert.
3-4. Thinking or Feeling: Some people are more emotional (not always women). Some people are very logical and rational (not always men). She's not immature and childish; she's a feeling type. He's not hard-hearted and cold; he's the thinking type.
Don't be distracted by the category names. They're only tools and don't represent their common definition. Of course, thinking types have feelings, and people who are more emotional are capable of deep thought, too.
5-6. Sensing or Intuiting: Are you concrete and practical, relying on tangible reality, or do you like to soar to metaphysical heights, relying more on instinct and inspiration?
You didn't want socks and a tie for Chanukah? But you needed them. He writes beautiful poetry and composes exalted music -- but he didn't realize the mortgage payment was overdue. He's not looking to be homeless; he actually likes your house. And he's not even irresponsible. He just has different priorities and concerns.
Your spouse can lift you. If you both let go and appreciate each other.
You can keep him grounded. Or he can lift you. If you both can let go... and appreciate each other.
7-8. Judging or Perceiving: In this situation, judging ("J") refers to people who enjoy rules and order, and who make decisions easily. Perceiving ("P") people like to keep their options open. They like to evaluate all the information and weigh many opinions. They are always looking for new excitement and experiences.
Imagine you are very organized and orderly and were attracted to your husband's impulsiveness. Now you want to know why he won't follow the rules the way you do; why he's not so strict about the kids' bedtime, why he doesn't realize that trips need planning -- "You can't just pick up and go" (or can you?).
"J's" are more predictable and reliable. "P's" are more spontaneous and whimsical.
You want to fly to Hawaii tomorrow. He raises practical concerns -- the house, your job, the kids... You've found the perfect house. He wants to see a few more. And could he bring some friends by to take a look...
APPLYING THE THEORY
In each pair of personality types, everybody is inclined to one particular side. Sometimes it's a heavy inclination, and sometimes it's lighter. The various combinations produce interesting perspectives and characters. Everyone is different.
How do you analyze a personality type? That's too much for now. (That's why there are books).
The main thing is that you and your spouse can have fun figuring out your types. But it will be more than fun. You will gain insight into yourself and others. You will learn tolerance and acceptance for yourself and your partner. It will diminish many of those daily frustrations, and stop them from deepening into resentment. I hope it's not too late.
You begin by changing your expectations. The first step is to take a deep breath and accept that "it is what it is." Think of the old cliché about not putting a square peg in a round hole. Your partner is not going to eventually "come around" to your way of thinking, of looking at the world.
Your partner is not going to eventually come around to your way of looking at the world.
Beyond that are practical steps to take as well. In dividing up the tasks within the home, assign to the appropriate personality. Give the spouse with the strong "J" personality responsibility for bookkeeping and household bills. Make the more outgoing partner the party planner. Maybe the more adventurous spouse wants to plot a second honeymoon or your summer vacation.
Maybe one of you would enjoy reading with the children before bed, while the other would enjoy writing and performing a play with them. Maybe someone likes bath time (maybe no one likes bath time!) and someone else prefers quietly lying with your young ones as they fall asleep. If one spouse is a people person they will be in charge of inviting guests. If your mate is more introverted they have to let you know when they need quiet space.
Recognize your partner's strengths and plan accordingly. Appreciate the power of your mate's character traits and the broader opportunities they afford you.
I know that my husband and I started out at opposite ends of the spectrum, and now that we've both relaxed, we seem to meet somewhere in the middle. Although if he puts the books out of order or lets the kids stay up late... well, "appreciate" isn't the word I always use!!
(19) John, July 29, 2007 3:36 PM
Reccomendation
I reccomend Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis' books!!
(18) N. S., April 14, 2007 5:38 PM
article plus comments
I liked this article, and particularly the comment by Yitzchok Pinkesz. Yes we NF's feel very lonely at times. Yes it is hard to be married to an SJ, even a very very nice one. And thank you for reminding me that I have to keep working on my emotional health. One way I do this is to keep writing out my feelings, so that they do not take over me. Another way is to notice when I feel at all upset and be very firm to get what I need to get myself to a better state. I am not very good at this yet! I mean, I do little things, but not yet like spending big amounts of money! Shivers!
(17) Mary, April 13, 2007 3:22 AM
books
If you like this article I suggest that you read the book Gifts Differing. Other ways of looking at people are books on archetypes By Carole Pearson I believe it is. ( the later ones are actually better than the earlier ones) The only thing os that people don't like to be categorized.
(16) benny marcus, April 12, 2007 10:58 PM
your writings have saved my marriage tizku lmitzvos
(15) suzan, April 11, 2007 4:49 PM
Learning about your personalities is very helpful in all relationships.
I would strongly recommend reading about the different personalities in books on the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson. They have about 5 books on the subject including several different tests to determine your type. They also have a web site. You can learn quite a bit about yourself and others.
(14) enid jacobson, April 11, 2007 2:40 PM
Thank you for a wonderful article.
(13) Anonymous, April 11, 2007 9:36 AM
old but still willing to learn
enjoyed reading the article though im 63 years young. I have noticed that the women i know come up with the same type of mates over an over agian even though the first one wasnt what they thought they wanted.
(12) Anonymous, April 11, 2007 4:37 AM
Good article....
Bravo...this article is illuminating...
(11) Joe, April 10, 2007 9:31 PM
We NT's have been scientifically proven to be smarter!
and better looking too:)
(10) Jeff, April 10, 2007 7:37 PM
Wonderful article
I'm not Jewish, but I do find that I learn alot from Jewish sources on relationships and other issues. The one statement in this article I have learned slowly over my 17 years of marriage is "Your partner is not going to eventually come around to your way of looking at the world." On a personal level, my Wife was raised in a "chaotic" environment, I was raised in a calm and subdued environment. We are the "odd couple" without a doubt, I'm tidy, she is not, she has no routines, I'm like the rainman . I drive her crazy, she drives my insane. There will come a day that she will not be around anymore, and I will miss those things that irritate me, and vice versa. Cherish life, cherish family. In a New York minute, our lives can change. G-d bless.
(9) Yitzchok Pinkesz, June 4, 2004 12:00 AM
Different Perspective for Singles
I do not wish to cause any pain to people who are already married to people who are vastly different from themselves. It can be particularly difficult for someone who is an “NF” – Intuitive and Feeling (or Abstract Feeling) – type to be married to someone who is an “S” or Sensing (or Concrete) type. NFs are unusually complicated emotionally and in terms of their profound need to be understood by those closest to them, and most people who are S – even Sensing and Feeling types – can have a very hard time understanding the nature and needs of NFs. People who are in this kind of “mixed marriage” do not have an easy road ahead of you. I wish you much strength and encouragement in finding harmony, balance, and understanding. It truly is one of the great Nisoyons (tests) of your life.
Rebbetzin Braverman has some excellent advice on how to put it in the proper perspective and make peace with your circumstances. She writes:
"You begin by changing your expectations. The first step is to take a deep breath and accept that ‘it is what it is.’ Think of the old cliché about not putting a square peg in a round hole. Your partner is not going to eventually "come around" to your way of thinking, of looking at the world."
My post is mostly geared to other SINGLE NF's. Knowing and understanding yourself is crucial for success in marriage. For NFs in particular it is vital for our own sense of well being to "feel" understood as well. The best that an "S" can do for an "N" is sympathize with them and their unique abilities. It’s like the difference between sympathy and empathy. An S can be sympathetic to the pain and hardship you may be experiencing, but an NF has a pseudo-experience of your feelings and really feels them as his or her own feelings.
NF's universally (particularly introverted NFs) often feel like they are different their whole lives. They often feel a great deal of pressure to fit in with "normal" society. Since they are only 1% of the population, they often live unhappy lives because they don’t feel free to express their true feelings, fearing that they will be seen as "strange" or "dreamy" by others. Many go through years of wondering "What is wrong with me? Why can't I be more normal?"
Until they are able to recognize that Hashem created them with unique abilities that are different from the majority of people, NFs suffer greatly. Once they realize the special gift Hashem has given them, it becomes really important to connect with others in a way they can feel appreciated and understood for their innate uniqueness and gifts.
When it comes to marriage, which involves deep emotional intimacy, it is crucial to have that kind of empathy and understanding and the ability to express and feel understood. For an NF, that kind of understanding can best be generated by a fellow NF.
As Pirkei Avos states: (Loosely transliterated) "Who is wise? He who can see potential outcomes." If you know that you have unusual abilities and rare meta-needs, it is wise to make sure, before you marry, that your potential spouse is "capable" of fulfilling those core needs.
An important footnote: It is also crucial that NFs be emotionally healthy and/or constantly working on it. We all have our ups and downs, but working on balance and being centered is vital especially for the more emotionally volatile NF. A great book to read about this is Miriam Adahan’s “EMETT: Emotional Maturity Established Through Torah”
Hatzlocha and best wishes to all.
(8) Do Lern Hwei, June 2, 2004 12:00 AM
Appreciating Others
This is an excellent article. We do need reminders to appreciate the different characters in our lives, especially those of our family members.
(7) Shaul Wallach, June 2, 2004 12:00 AM
Excellent, but only an introduction
Rebbetzin Braverman's article is an excellent introduction to personality and marriage. However, as much as I applaud her article, I humbly suggest that some of her points should be qualified.
First of all, there are not 8 but 16 personalities in the system she has presented, since each personality is composed of 4 traits, each of which can be one of a pair of attributes. Four simultaneous pairs give 16, not 8 possible combinations.
Secondly, not every personality can be neatly delineated as one of the 16 combinations. For example, I am strongly introverted, but break nearly even on each of the other three pairs of traits.
Rebbetzin Braverman's advice is well taken for couples who are already married and desire to understand how they differ. But it can be taken further and should be applied to prospective marriage partners as well. For these people, however, I ask to differ and to propose that "opposites attract" is not a universal indicator of compatibility. That is, they may attract initially but there is a limit to how well they can get along together over time. For example, the cold intellectual INTJ man who marries a volatile ESFP woman is really asking for trouble, and usually gets it... Thus Rabbi Simcha Cohen, in his book on the Jewish home "What Did You Say?", definitely recommends that people marry those who have similar, not opposite personalities.
From Dr. Miriam Adahan I likewise understand that prospective couples should look for similar "markers" in each other. However, she adds, as none of us is completely ideal, each of us has a trait that drives the other crazy. That's where growth comes in, as Rebbetzin Braverman teaches us so well here.
Dr. Adahan has another excellent book, "Awareness", that analyzes personalities according to a different system called the Enneagram, in which there are only 9 basic types instead of 16. Here, too, each person will find he is a mixture of all the types, but for many it is easier to find one's "core" personality in the Enneagram than in Jung's system. Dr. Adahan gives very valuable advice, which she calls the "Voice of Health", on how to reach the ideal expression of one's personality. There is essential guidance to those people who are prone to depression or who are victims of abuse. She also applies the system to marriage, specifying which types are compatible and which are not.
All in all, I agree that personality typing is a most valuable aid for understanding marital interactions, and warmly encourage Rebbetzin Braverman to continue educating us about it.
Shaul Wallach
(6) Dorit Ernst, June 1, 2004 12:00 AM
Thank you very much - this column helps me in getting more relaxed about my everyday relationships - and in trusting in G-D's leading more than in my own "understanding"!! G-D bless you very much!
Shalom!
(5) Michael D. Aguirre, May 30, 2004 12:00 AM
Enlighting
This article is excellent, bring to light differences and making strength out of them.
(4) , December 9, 2001 12:00 AM
Type testing
This was a nice piece. I recently did the MBTI and discovered alot about myself. I also know now what type my potential mate would best suit me and vice versa. Recommend the test to any two prospective mates, and for married people to understand each other better. "Shall the pot say to the potmaker,- why have you made me thus-".
(3) Simi Shain, December 5, 2001 12:00 AM
Great Article!
I enjoyed this article a lot. Really helped me understand things. Keep writing! You have a very attentive audience!
(2) Anonymous, December 3, 2001 12:00 AM
Miriam Adahan's Awareness book is also excellent ...
... for those who'd like to learn more about personality types and benefit from that knowledge in interpersonal relationships.
(1) Maxine Kaplan, December 2, 2001 12:00 AM
Aish brings me back to reality and to my (our) roots
We all have our unique joys and troubles. I find that Aish makes it possible for me make sense of things. Although I have not studied torah, I find that AISH is my torah.