This article is excerpted from the NY times national bestseller, "The Truth about Cheating." The author studied hundreds of men, faithful and unfaithful, to discover how women could create better relationships for themselves.
Here's a simple secret that I've shared with thousands of couples in therapy and in my seminars: successful couples accentuate the positive and diminish the negative, and failed couples accentuate the negative and diminish the positive.
Failed couples tend to think that their failure is justified because of the spouse they married. They perceive successful couples as having an easy life, less stress, and fewer issues than what they've experienced. This is the number one falsehood of the failed couple. Successful couples shoulder just as many issues, whether they be financial hardships, work-related stress, childbearing issues, illnesses, and challenges with in-laws, but their system of dealing with it is an extremely different model, and that's what makes them successful.
Successful couples:
- Recall and keep in mind the good things that are happening in the relationship.
- Realize that sometimes their spouses have an issue and therefore don't take every negative thing the spouse might do or say too personally.
Spouses in a successful marriage walk away from a fight and think, "How long am I going to be angry about this stupid issue? He's been so nice." "He's been off his game lately because he's been so stressed." "Just yesterday he did take a little extra time to be with me..."
Spouses in a failed marriage walk away from a fight thinking things like, "How dare he!" "What's he done lately to show me any kind of love?" "So what if he's stressed, so am I and isn't everyone?" or "He doesn't talk to his mother that way." This spouse doesn't make the effort to excuse any behavior by recalling some of the nice things her husband did of why he may be acting this way that has nothing to do with her.
Surely I don't mean to imply that the successful couple does nothing else but excuse a fight. But a successful couple immediately diminishes the negative, gets over the fight quickly, and the offended spouse more often than not gets a sincere apology because the other spouse is so appreciative that his mistake wasn't blown up into World War III.
Men commonly dig in to their point of view further when met with hostility and punitive actions. If a wife decides to stay angry at her spouse and give him the silent treatment and no intimacy or affection for a bit, her actions tend to do anything but get him to come around. Men tend to get angry and try to become punitive themselves when feeling punished for something they did that they've perceived as not that big a deal.
The successful couple comes back toward one another with an attitude of "I don't want to go on and on with this. Let's just apologize and please understand what bothered me." This attitude will almost always turn your husband into an appreciative spouse who can then admit to his wrongdoing as you've perceived it and even commit to giving you more of what you want in the future. The successful couple reunites, deciding that they'll take some badly needed "couple time" in the next day or so to remedy the little hiccup.
Successful couples attack problems, not each other.
Successful couples are coming toward each other because they've remembered the good in the relationship even though there's some bad, as in the failed couple's relationship. They remembered that they're married and love each other. They have to make it work and why waste the time being angry? They allow themselves to feel the love that has been built in the relationship over the years -- the positive -- instead of keeping foremost in their minds all of the hardship they've had to struggle with.
Successful couples attack problems, not each other. They view the problem as a blameless entity and don't waste time on guilt.
The failed couple is entrenched in negativity. They don't want to give each other a single break. They're sick and tired, and not because it's gone on for years -- they were sick and tired early on too. They never knew how to move through a fight, and since they held on to the fight and punished each other, they never made a resolution.
After a while there is a point at which each couple builds a history. The successful couple builds a history based largely on the happy times, the positive. The fights don't stick out so much in their memory because they weren't ongoing and punitive. The failed couple has spent years on a roller coaster and every time another fight occurs they connect the dots to every other fight that has continued to lie just under the radar.
Successful Couple Model
- Recall and keep in mind the good things in the relationship.
- Don't take spouse's negativity too personally.
- Remember that the effort for change shows the greatest love even though it may take a while to reach your ultimate marital goals.
Remember that men are emotional beings who react well to kindness and appreciation. They can say they're sorry and understand your feelings. They can do it all emotionally if given the chance, and for them that chance comes with your focusing on the positive.
(19) Anonymous, July 6, 2017 2:26 PM
Excellent article and very true.
Unfortunately, one needs a healthy personality to follow this advice. Most people who have trouble have difficulty with their own self image and need to have a very warm, understanding and kind marriage partner
It says, One who prepares for Shabbat, will eat on Shabbat. This goes for many things. The one who has patience, love and caring can make the marriage thrive. If one is centered on himself/herself, there is no solution. One can read countless of self help books but to no avail.
Something powerful to keep in mind- "Stop judging and start loving."
People who suffer from not having self confidence continue to suffer and will suffer if they do not get to the root of their problem.
(18) Sal, December 15, 2015 3:57 PM
Informative
Informative
(17) jeremiah, June 2, 2014 1:51 AM
great article
Good insight. A man should be stable with his emotions not allowing his ego to intervene and stumble. This requires good Character.
(16) Anonymous, November 3, 2011 2:29 PM
Appreciation
These suggestions are on the face of it marvellous and I have found them helpful in understanding and seeing key points in making my marriage work I think. So thank you.
(15) Varghese, October 7, 2011 11:48 AM
very good article for the wellbeing ofthe married couple
every body is born with specific character..understand that mistake is also inborn.forgive the mistakes committed by the the other.
(14) selvi panneerselvam, February 14, 2011 10:07 AM
very good advice
good article telling spouses how to live a practical life forgetting the negative and stick to the positive in them. But many times our ego does not allow to do this. still we have to learn to practice day by day if we want our marriage to be successful. than u
(13) Andi, January 26, 2009 9:17 PM
agree...on target!
Sometimes one spouse tries the 'successful couple model' for years the other steps all over her for trying. The peaceful partner eventually wakes up and realizes she'll never be happy. I tried this model for a few years until I realized it was pointless with my spouse. Now we're divorced.
Jo, July 16, 2014 5:18 AM
Good point
I tried the positive for years too only to get negative responses and jealousness for being so. I finally had to put my foot down like someone has to do with a child out of hand. I think it has to do with the spouses maturity level. It's taken a lot of work, prayer and praise but it seems we are still holding on. Now if we can get back to the "spark", that would be great!
(12) Moshe Rosen, January 20, 2009 10:02 PM
Mutual respect
Tackling problems heads on in a marriage is a lot more important than attacking the other spouse. It's a matter of mutual respect and communication. Additionally, we Jews marrying Jewish should significantly reduce the likelihood of divorce or falling out of love. After all, love and marriage is NOT the finish line to a mutual relationship.
(11) Anonymous, January 19, 2009 1:39 PM
on target
These suggestions were right on target that is if one is dealing with a spouse who is basically emotionally healthy. Gary Neuman's suggestions are a bit myopic and oversimplified to say the least when one is dealing with a spouse who sees the world and marriage through narcissistic lenses. He should know better being a therapist!!!
(10) chaya, January 19, 2009 12:02 PM
it really works
I always thank hashem for sending me my husband who stands for all those positive behaviors mentioned above: he taught me well.
(9) Jake Gold, January 19, 2009 12:18 AM
It's true, Men have feelings too.
I loved this article. It was very informitive. I agree that women should recognize that men have feeling and will work with wife to make the relationship stronger when given the chance to admit to their mistakes withou fear of confrontational nagging (sorry for the term). Women who show that husband is safe admitting his wrongdoing will be happy to see that the husband will cooperate accordingly. Both sides need to be positive thinkers and positive talkers. focus on the good. Thank you -Jake
(8) Anonymous, January 18, 2009 11:55 PM
Thanks for you advise.
I agree totally on the principles of a successful marriage. But I would like to advise the women that it is not as easy as it sounds. But remember women build their homes or destroy it with their hands. Please pray that our Heavenly Father gives you wisdom and patience.
(7) andy, January 18, 2009 10:19 PM
yes
true
(6) Laya Saul, January 18, 2009 9:09 PM
Well Said
It's so important to pay attention to what you want. One of the best quotes I heard about marriage is "The grass is greenest where you water it."
(5) Lynne L Corenbaum, January 18, 2009 4:32 PM
The value of truth
There is so much to a great marriage that it is hard to put into a simple framework (as you have done so successfully). My husband and I have been married for 43 years. We met in 1963 at a Baptist college. First we had an odd experience of meeting: (On the second floor, John saw me walking up the walk of his fraternity house for dinner and he commented to his best friend standing near..."That's the girl I am going to marry." Inside the living room of the house, I saw him coming down the stairs, and with one look I just KNEW that he was the one I wanted to marry! But first, we were friends. We talked for hours (still do). Then it became more until we were married in 1965. We waited two years for children, wanting a relationship to return to after the children were gone. We had four children, one boy (first) and then three girls. We have endured out heartaches, too. Neither of us believe in deception, so we have a really true relationship. We have a close relationship with the Bible also which strengthens the bond. Our marriage is a blessing that neither of us thought was possible. The trust is so much a part of the whole that it is a free and easy companionship that we both enjoy. I really do not know why I am writing to you about all of this, except that I want your readership to know that it is possible to have a love that exceeds all understanding. Thanks for your message. -Lynne
(4) Anonymous, January 18, 2009 3:52 PM
after 34 happily married years, kenehora, I can say you're 100% right!!
This article is 100% on the button! After 34 years of marriage, I can testify to that. Thank G-d, my mother gave me this advice before I even walked down the aisle!!
(3) Anonymous, January 18, 2009 1:11 PM
So simple and yet somehow we always falter!
I have read Mr. Neuman's book "Emotional Infidelity" (which I highly recommend, by the way, whether you're religious or even Jewish or neither). It's funny how the reasoning behind these suggestions and tips for successful relationships sound so simple and easy-to-follow, yet somehow I and many others I know seem to have great trouble implementing them for long-term change. These are very welcome articles and are helpful in determining what kind of rapport you ultimately desire to have with your partner. At first, the general principle of focusing solely on your partner and his/her pleasure as the reason for your union seems crazy and imbalanced, but if you are with someone who wants to make you happy, ultimately, you don't have to worry about who "did more". Please, more articles like these - especially ones that explain why men and women misunderstand eachothers' communication styles and needs. Thanks Mr. Neuman!
(2) Anonymous, January 18, 2009 12:08 PM
I love this article. The information in this article is so true.
(1) Anonymous, January 18, 2009 10:54 AM
ATTRACTION
GARY - GREAT ARTICLE- ONE QUESTION THOUGH- WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO YOUR WIFE ( PHYSICALLY ) - IS IT STILL POSSIBLE TO HAVE A LOVING REALTIONSHIP ( IT'S MY SECOND MARRIAGE- MY FIRST WIFE LEFT ME FOR AND OLDER WEALTHY MAN ) - I GOT REMARRIED- BUT AFTER I GOT REMARRIED I NOTICED A LOT OF SCARS ON HER FACE ( PROBABLY FROM BAD ACNE WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER )- THIS IS A TURN-OFF FOR ME . DO i HAVE A CHANCE- SHE LOVES ME DEARLY- AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME!!