Presumably everyone wants to keep the spark alive in their marriage. Some people may believe it's not possible. Some people may have given up. Some people may just not know how. But everyone wants it.
So what's a well-meaning husband to do? The answer is not to whisk your wife away to a private island for a romantic weekend (although that couldn't hurt). The answer is not to follow the dictates of the advertising industry and drape her in diamonds (although that couldn't hurt either).
The answer lies in small daily actions and interactions that say "I care," "You matter to me," "Your needs and goals and important to me."
There is definitely a place for romantic gestures -- flowers, dinner out, a walk along the beach (the latter having the advantage of being both romantic and free!). But the spark is really kept alive through the ins and outs of your everyday relationship -- through easing your wife's burden, by not taking her for granted, by letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.
The spark is kept alive by easing your wife's burden and letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.
We may mistakenly think that with a houseful of kids, with carpools to drive and mortgages to pay, there is no room for sparks. But this is, fortunately, not true.
While it is true that there is no room for the spoony daydreaming of the newly infatuated (and even they usually have to spend some time working so they can pay the rent!), that is not the only evidence of sparks.
The excitement in a relationship is kept alive through caring about one another, through being interested in one another and through the actions that show it.
When a tired husband takes the time to listen to the details of his wife's day (number of diapers changed and all), the sparks are rekindled. When he patiently describes his own day just because she wants to know (and even though he'd rather forget about it), the flame is kept burning. When he takes out the garbage because it bothers her, when he watches the kids and says, "You go rest" or better yet, "You go shopping," the embers continue to glow.
Every expression of love and caring keeps the sparks alive. None are too trivial to hold back from saying, and don't be stingy with them. Every time you tell your wife you love her, the flame of your marriage burns brighter.
We get confused; we think we need a Hollywood set, designer gowns and sparkling conversation. We look for the perfect setting, the cloudless sky, the moonlit evening.
But believe it or not, sparks can be kindled in the chaos of your family room -- in the shared pleasure of your family (even sometimes in the shared frustration), in the shared sense of goals, in the shared creation.
The fire sizzles every time a man tells his wife how much he appreciates who she is, what she has done, and yes, how attractive she is to him. Don't think your wife doesn't need hear that; everyone does. No matter how "spiritual" she is.
Jewelry is beautiful but these grand gestures can only occur on rare and special occasions (which, in this economy, seem to be even rarer and more special!). But daily life offers plenty of opportunities to keep your marriage vibrant, opportunities that don't take a lot of time but may involve the effort of refocusing, of stepping outside our owns needs and desires, of ignoring everyone and everything else that clamors for your attention.
Start with the simple gestures. Every morning, every afternoon, stop what you're doing (yes, your job can wait a few minutes; no you won't lose that deal!), call your wife and say "I love you," "Thank you for everything you do for me." I promise you, the sparks will stay alive.
Click here to read The Woman's Guide to Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage.
(22) Anonymous, October 18, 2013 3:16 AM
Tell your wife she is great and awesome.Take time for the small & large compliments. Don't take her for granted.
Tell her she is beautiful so she won't go looking to hear it from a neighbor a coworker or a therapist. You never know when another man would be very happy to tell your wife these things.
(21) Ammi, November 8, 2011 1:38 PM
All these thngs are good, however, if a wife lives in a home where HaShem is NOT put first, rather 3rd, 4th or 5th, but addictions to the TV, cigarettes, sports, job - all take precedent over all - even if he does these things - she will not be fulfilled. Take it from one who knows. Not only "a woman who fears the Lord...", but a man also...
(20) Anonymous, September 6, 2011 4:40 PM
Why don't you focus on older married couples?
Your advice should cover a broad age range of married couples, including empty nesters who've grown apart over time because of the demands of work, child rearing, and aging parents. How do you keep the flame burning and stay positive. Any advice to those who feel burnt out, but wish to rekindle?
(19) misha, March 1, 2011 10:57 PM
Great advice but...
The above is all sound advice however the author is implying that women who receive this treatment are always fair and reciprocate in kind. Well…Some women DO take us husbands for granted and are not necessarily fair, affectionate and appreciative. In this age of feminism, many women grow up thinking that in relationships its all about them and that we men are to be controlled and reeducated to their rules. They have been told to love their “bad boy” (loser) and when they get tired of the drama or bored then there will be the useful idiot (nice guy) for them. Also feminism has embedded in their psyche that any male assertiveness is perceived as "abuse' or being "controlling". Especially when it comes to disciplining the children. The myths of a "patriarchal" society have taken its toll. Much needs to be understood about simple attitudes of gratitude in order for relationships on any level can flourish. Spoiled, self righteous and/or demanding women don't change once their situation does (no more than we men) so it’s about having the Hachmah (wisdom) to improve our Torah consciousness which will help us see AND treat others for the good. Meaning: imbalance is never right. Spouses who don’t receive properly and thus can’t give set a bad example for kids and demoralize their relationships. Without HaShem (it always comes down to Him) reforming/protecting us daily these unrequited kindnesses can become a form of abuse. One of the worst things in the world is to try hard to please and have it taken with a grain of salt. I know -my wife has made an art out of trivializing my gestures of love and attention which is discouraging. That in itself is of emotional abuse which not only happens to women. Contrary to feminist propaganda, women can (and have) dished this out with just as much selfishness and unfairness as anyone.
(18) Anonymous, February 23, 2009 4:51 AM
Dear Rabbi, Sir and / or Madam, I read your article about putting the spark back into your marriage. As I am a super romantic, I would love to share my ‘secrets’ for an extremely happy marriage. We both aim to please each other, and by doing that, it does not matter ,if we do or don’t like doing things we dislike, because the end result is that we are pleasing each other. The things which do not cost time or hardly any money are: cutting out a small heart and place it on your spouses pillow, on or under his or her plate at the table. Draw a heart on a mirror. Put a note in his/ her lunch box, which says: I love you or I appreciate your company. Just a 10 second phone call to say: I do not have time to talk, but I just want to let you know that I love you, bye, or I do not have time to talk, but just to let you know: thinking of you. When one comes home: stare in her/ his eyes for 15 seconds in silence and then say: nice to see you. Gently touch her/ his arm and say: that is because I love to stay in touch with you. Buy specific chocolates: caramel, because it is the sweetest I could find, cherry ripe, because ‘I cherish you’ (pun intended) mint because that is your favourite and you are mine. Count the days you are married and if it seems to be insignificant, make a celebration of that day, because every day with you is special and I do not take you for granted. Interrupt your partner in the middle of a sentence and say: I love you, sorry I got distracted by that thought. You are just great. Buy streamers in 6 different colours and lay them on your made up bed in the shape of a heart. Buy a tiara (little crown) in the $2 shop as a toy for little girls and put it on the pillow of your wifes bed. She is your princess. I am sure that there are many other ways of expressing love. It has worked for me. We are the happiest married people in the world and married 8635 days and still going strong. Most of true love making is done anywhere but the traditional spots. A table and 2 chairs and a good conversation and talking about each other nicely and with pride, does wonders for one’s feelings of warmth for each other. I guess this is enough for today. If you can spread any of my suggestions to anybody who needs more love in their life, please go ahead.
Anonymous, May 1, 2011 9:18 PM
ANY ADVICE??????????
GREAT DESCRIPTION OF HOW TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP ALIVE AND EXITING. THEY'RE EXACTLY THE KIND OF GESTURES THAT I WOULD OFTEN DO FOR MY AMAZING FIANCEE. BUT NOW WE ARE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES FOR A FEW MONTHS, WHAT CAN I DO TO REALLY SHOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER FROM THIS DISTANCE. NOT EASY BEING AWAY FROM HER, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. AND SURE ENOUGH, I NEED TO "MAN UP" IN CERTAIN AREAS. BUT WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE SURE SHE WILL REMAIN JOYFULLY AND EXCITINGLY IN LOVE WITH ME, WITHOUT SEEMING NEEDY, CLINGY OR INSECURE. ISN'T THAT USUALLY HOW WOMEN ARE? ANYWAY, WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT....
Anonymous, September 21, 2011 2:06 PM
You seem to be a great person
I do not know you but I cried when I read your post. For over 30 years I wished my husband would do just one of these little things. I hope your wife loves and respects you as much as your words do her.
Anonymous, January 16, 2012 10:15 AM
thank you. really nicely put
(17) Harvey Sinclair, February 20, 2009 3:50 AM
It is so easy to forget her & take her for granted.
A very enlightening and inspiring article in a world where the focus is on being and doing our best to the outside world, in Shul, in our jobs, with friends, even in the shops, etc. Her needs (which are really small) are actually more important than all the others. Thank you.
(16) Rosana, February 18, 2009 10:35 AM
I thought this article was written by a man, because of the male photo. I was imagining how good he is to understand a woman like he does...In the end I realised that it was written by a woman...Of course! Men are not so sensible and simple like us. Well, I'd love that my husband could one day pay atention to this litle big details...
(15) Saul Pillai, February 17, 2009 6:44 PM
Nice
I'm not even married and I'm touched... *all smiles*
(14) Joe, February 17, 2009 1:34 PM
Great list but missing something big
I agree with everything written here, but, I am surprised at the reluctance to mention a certain elephant in the room. No matter how spiritual you and she are, intimacy matters. For certain, all of the little things that show she matters must come first. However, she is still a woman and you are still a man. You need to make the time to be romantic and you need to do it becuase it is fun - not because either of you feels you are doing another duty after a long day.
(13) Shmuel Zev, February 17, 2009 11:55 AM
Cofee Break
The most common force causing distance between spouses is the pressure of every day living. We are inundated by our responsibilities and hardly have the energy or desire to cultivate and prioritize our relationships. Early on in our marriage, my wife had a brilliant idea. Let's drink tea together before going to sleep, she said. You have to wait for the water to heat, and can only sip the boiling tea slowly. During that interval, you can talk and listen to each other. As our kids got older, and private time was hard to find in the house, we went out for walks late at night. Fresh air and quiet streets, devoid of distraction, provide a conducive environment. I’m married over 25 years. We still have lots to talk about and share. These techniques help us maintain communicating.
(12) Sarah Rut, February 15, 2009 11:31 PM
A good reminder
Honestly, B"H, my husband is very good at all the above mentioned. Regardless, I emailed it to him because I think that it is good positive reinforcement. I'm excited to read next weeks to make sure that I"m doing my part as well.
(11) Miriam, February 15, 2009 6:07 PM
So important a that a wife feels beautiful
Even if you don't think your wife is beautiful anymore, by telling her she's beautiful she will feel more attractive about herself and will ultimately be more attractive to you. This is really important. A woman should hear at least twice a week that she's beautiful. Not 'pretty', not 'cute', not 'adorable', etc.... specifically the word beautiful. Other candidates are 'gorgeous' and 'stunning'. This is not hard.
(10) Liorah, February 15, 2009 4:31 PM
reverse is true too
Due to an unfortunate accident I go to work and my husband is holding down the "fort" so to speak. Especially in this case i found it is important to listen to his day, before telling him about mine. Hope my comment will help other women in this situation. Noticing the things he did when coming home is vital to his esteem.
(9) Anonymous, February 15, 2009 3:35 PM
E-mail it to him. That's how my wife got me to read it.
(8) Ezza Amittai, February 15, 2009 3:12 PM
Self-help for Men?
I tend to agree with Anonymous(1). Every self-help book for men, I've read myself, and not my fiance. I wonder how many men will read this message? And men say women are hard to understand! I said to my fiance that most women tell their husbands every day what they need or would like, but their men tend not to listen! Then they say we're complicated! After all my reading, I know how to be a good man better than my fiance! But HaShem will draw him home, I can see it happening already. B"H.
(7) ruth housman, February 15, 2009 12:25 PM
Sparks
I so totally agree with this article. It's all in the little things, that make a relationship shine, and the true sparkle is in how we appreciate each other, both ways, and yes, of course in the myriad daily details. It's not enough to throw out compliments. We need hands on help sometimes and we need to feel the sincerity behind what we hear. The grand gestures are always appreciated but they aren't the necessary part of a growing relationship. What's important is to recognize the needs we each have, the strengths, the passions, the growth curve, and to grow together even if we don't share all the same passions. Everyone needs a listening ear after a long hard day, and it's so in the little things we do for each other, that is where love resides and snuggles.
(6) Anonymous, February 15, 2009 10:34 AM
When the kids are grown
What about when there are no babies in the house and the kids are grown and in high school, some married, etc.? It's a very different stage in a marriage after being married for over 25 years, there are still pressures and not as much to share.
(5) Sam, February 15, 2009 10:02 AM
Goes both ways
Everything said in this article can go for women as much as for men. Many women work today, and there are some stay-at-home fathers. And men also need to occasionally hear that they are handsome and attractive to their wives, that their efforts are appreciated, etc.
(4) Ari Stotleman, February 15, 2009 9:41 AM
Other side
I can hardly wait to read next weeks article. Neither flint nor steel alone can make a spark.
(3) Anonymous, February 15, 2009 9:26 AM
Be specific in your appreciation. "Thank you for making dinner" or "thanks for washing the dishes" or "I appreciate your picking up that prescription" are all much much better than a general "thank you for everything you do." When I hear "thank you for everything you do" I wonder if he notices just what is is that I do.
(2) Anonymous, February 15, 2009 8:50 AM
I enjoyed this article very much. No doubt many women would feel much happier, less frustrated, and more content with small expressions of love and caring by their husbands. Now we just need the men to read these articles!
(1) Anonymous, February 15, 2009 8:47 AM
Bring the Excitement of Lust (for your spouse!) to Your Marriage
I'm 39, married to my husband for 15 years, & we have 3 small children together. Recently, for the first time ever, I felt like my husband was bored with our sexual relationship. He & I love each other very much, but we were missing the sparks of romantic PASSION that we used to share before we became parents. I just read a GREAT book: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Kosher Adultery. He explains how to create and maintain an erotic interest in your spouse. One example is to continuously view your spouse through fresh eyes. At parties and other get-togethers, start noticing the attention/admiration that is being paid to your spouse by members of the opposite sex. When you realize just how attractive your spouse to other people, it will natually re-kindle your physical attraction to them. The book is full of exciting ideas, the best of which involve changing one's thinking about his/her spouse, not just about continuing to make loving gestures and demonstrate loving behaviors. This is a how-to book for utilizing the natural power of lust to get back to being your spouse's lover! It is amazing how everything else falls into place, and romantic love becomes automatic, with the revival of a passionate sexual relationship! Happy Valentine's Day! ,)