"How can I possibly keep the spark alive?" you ask. "The house is a mess, there are three kids pulling on my dress, spaghetti sauce is boiling over and I don't know how we're going to pay the electric bill. Who has time to even think about sparks?"
This common attitude evinces two serious mistakes:
1) that it's okay to ignore the need for sparks
2) that it takes significant time to generate them and keep them alive.
Of course there's no time if creating sparks involves a major effort. But it doesn't need to. It begins with not despairing, with not being resigned to a "spark-less" existence. And with being realistic about how to create them.
If you have young children (in fact, if you have any children at all living at home!) you probably won't be able to serve elaborate candlelit dinners, but that doesn't mean you can't prepare a nice meal. That doesn't mean you can't cook your husband's favorite foods. It's not either candlelight or macaroni and cheese. Although a simple act, cooking what your husband likes says "I care." It says "Your needs matter to me."
If you care about him, you care about what he does.
Being interested in your husband's day at work can also help keep your marriage vibrant. Maybe you tend to go glassy-eyed hearing about his job. Snap out of it. Sit up straighter. If you care about him, you care about what he does. I remember a number of years ago, I tried to organize a social activity for a group of wives whose husbands all worked for the same institution. When I called one woman to ask her to attend, she was very dismissive. "Why should I come? That's my husband's job. It has nothing to do with me." I beg to differ.
After a long day -- at home or elsewhere -- everyone likes to get into their most comfortable clothes. But let me make this clear: ratty old sweat suits do NOT help keep the spark alive. Our husbands deserve that we devote at least the same attention (actually more) to our appearance that we do when we join our girlfriends for lunch or another couple for dinner. While a complete change of clothes may not always be possible or practical (especially if we are cooking that nice dinner and we have infants wailing for attention in the background), straightening your hair and freshening your lipstick is.
These small actions say "I'm excited to have you home." "I've been looking forward to seeing you."
While there is clearly room for romantic evenings in every marriage -- I certainly don't want to discourage that -- we shouldn't feel that we have to wait for those rare moments to work on keeping our marriage alive. Or that there aren't many varied ways of keeping the flame burning. Each couple has to find their unique road.
It doesn't have to take a lot of effort. It doesn't have to take a lot of time. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. It just has to be consistent and regular. We can't let the demands of our daily existence overwhelm us to the point where we forget to connect with our husbands. That's the real secret to keeping the spark alive -- making our relationship with our husbands our number one priority.
Click here to read The Man's Guide to Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage.
(20) Anonymous, November 3, 2013 3:19 AM
It is sad that these husbands will give no compliments. do the wives give compliments? there are books R. Shumly Boteach wrote t a few of them. Hubby can read them and learn. . Just have patience.some men cannot change in a few weeks. I f you think your marriage is worth it , hang it there.
(19) lett, April 21, 2013 4:09 AM
nothing else should matter
Hi everyone i know we all look for romance to keep our love in our relationships alive but really it is opposite.. You have to continue to love and the love in your heart will keep the romance alive. Think about it as long as you remind yourself of all the love you have for your spouse your heart will know what you both think is romance and you'll be able to put it together... My love and i always laugh and talk about the things we have been through which keeps us going everyday... Although I'm a sick young woman with cancer and it tears my husband up every night he sees me sick and it makes me feel like i need to try harder than most women but i don't because its not like that.. You can simply tell your husband that you love him and tell him all the reasons why you love him and let things go from there.. Remember while doing so try to avoid fighting.because truly you know what will push his buttons and what won't unless you married a man you don't know in which maybe you shouldn't have married just yet... Good luck ladies
(18) Anonymous, May 21, 2009 2:08 PM
i wish!!
to anon#6 i'm the same type of person as you,& i started off my married life doing all those type of things, but my marriage just isn't like that,& we don't feel that way about each other, as much as i wish we did. when i do feel that way at all i try to express it, but it's too uncomfortable/fake sounding since we both know that that feeling will change soon. do you have any kind of advice for me?
(17) PB, April 27, 2009 12:40 PM
May never work for some...
Nice advice, but not realistic in many marriages. Sometimes, I think I just have to be willing to say, "I married the wrong person" and get out of this empty marriage.
Anonymous, August 20, 2012 2:36 AM
And this is what planet?
Been married for 2 months and 10 days. I straighten/ or curl my hair, get all dolled up when he comes home from work. get no compliments or anything. I have dinner ready....I agree with PB what works for some people, may never work for some...
Anonymous, February 17, 2013 4:27 PM
Me too
I can stand on my head, have the fancy suppers and pretty clothes and my husband will never notice. He lives in his own world. I have to fish for complements and it is demoralizing
(16) Anonymous, March 2, 2009 8:45 AM
from the comments, u have enuf for the next article!
Emuna, i always enjoy your articles thanks for some good reminders!
(15) Jenn, February 25, 2009 1:22 AM
If A Relationship is Abusive to Start...
...then the "little things" probably won't work. To the commenters who take offense from this article because they had a difficult or abusive relationship to begin with, I don't believe that it is fair to attack the author. She is gearing this towards people who have a status quo marriage and are looking to enhance it, not who are in the very unfortunate situations that it seems like you are/were in. There are always exceptions to every rule or piece of advice when there is a human element involved.
(14) Nikki, February 24, 2009 3:34 PM
Well said!
I especially agree about not wearing sweats all the time. It's like wearing a big sign that says: I don't care anymore. (Granted, wearing sweats sometimes is acceptable.)
(13) Anonymous, February 24, 2009 10:58 AM
on changing clothes
On Shabbat, wheteher a woman works or is a stay at home mom, she can wear something nice at the table. She can put on something other than a bathrobe to the shabbat table. Even a plain top and skirt looks nicer than a bathrobe.
(12) Anonymous, February 24, 2009 10:54 AM
Please be careful
I see some people who are hurting from broken marriages are reading this article and then mocking it. Please be careful. Your words can be very damaging to another's marriage. May Hashem give you a beautiful, fulfilling, wonderful husband and may you no longer feel such pain.
(11) Anonymous, February 23, 2009 8:00 PM
callie,trulyfree57,estie-i agree with YOU wholeheartedly 100,000,000% !!! i have done it all too, only to have my ex spouse to do the same as YOU wrote and try to choke me to death more than once! Really, makes YOU wonder what the authors intent and purpose of an article like this is,doesn't it? is it a joke or what? maybe just to get responses like this to help other people so they DON'T suffer like we have!
(10) Ruth Housman, February 23, 2009 2:23 PM
the arc in spark!
I agree with this little piece. It's all in the little daily details that make a difference to us all, and it's truly a matter, largely of attitude and will. Yes, everyone needs to feel important and taking time, even if you are tired, to hear your husband's story, is so appreciated, just as you appreciate getting flowers, a hug, a small compliment, being able to tell your story. Whatever we do that is positive, towards each other, well it's all part of the rainbow. The hues are in the "yous", meaning how we are towards each other. Make housework fun. Seriously, I do. I find it creative to move things around as I make them shine. On the job, find something positive to say to someone, be helpful, be supportive, it's all in the little things. I know a mood lifts when others are sunshine around us. The rays do raise us, just a little bit higher off the ground. Yes, life is hard, but we can create sparks and make it all, glow!
(9) callie, February 23, 2009 11:00 AM
ummmm
The author does know that most women aren't home during the day. doesn't she? Its not easy being a homemaker, but its harder being at work all day. Picking up the kids at daycare or grandma's or school. Coming home after a long day and then being expected to cook and clean. Several recent studies concluded that women still do the bulk of the work around the house. Maybe the men need to get up off the couch and help cook dinner, or clean. That'll get a spark going a lot faster.
(8) trulyfree57, February 23, 2009 7:22 AM
choice
I''ve been there and done all the "nice", "ego-building" etc. things for my husband. To no avail. I have since learned that YOU CANNOT make another person happy *or* put a spark in them. It is each persons RESPONSIBILITY to CHOOSE to love/respect thier spouse. And you CANNOT deal resonably with a person who is addicted to anything - drugs, sex, another person (codependent) sports, adrenaline, work, etc (any drug of choice, and there are many!.) The thing we need to learn to do is to be all we can be by getting emotionally and spiritually healthy ourselves and thus being real and relating according to Torah to all people including our spouse. Once we get ourselves lined up according to Torah and are spiritually and emotionally healthy, then God does miraculous things for us and our marriages start to be what He intended them to be. There is hope for healthy relationships and it starts with us as individuals. When we are healthy, we attract and only choose relationships with "equal" healthy partners. Once we are both on the same page, the above article is helpful. Keep reading this excellent website and the Torah for such eye-opening truths that transform your life!!! Choose you this day whom you will serve... YHVH bless you and keep you.
(7) Estie, February 23, 2009 4:59 AM
I agree wholeheartedly..
However I did all these things plus a heap more but my soon to be ex husband said it was corny and questioned me at length why I could not be like other wives, just leave a man alone. I am assuming my husband was a rarity that doesnt like a wife that adores him? It instills fear into me the mere thought of remarrying
(6) Anonymous, February 23, 2009 4:50 AM
Dear Rabbi, Sir and / or Madam, I read your article about putting the spark back into your marriage. As I am a super romantic, I would love to share my ‘secrets’ for an extremely happy marriage. We both aim to please each other, and by doing that, it does not matter ,if we do or don’t like doing things we dislike, because the end result is that we are pleasing each other. The things which do not cost time or hardly any money are: cutting out a small heart and place it on your spouses pillow, on or under his or her plate at the table. Draw a heart on a mirror. Put a note in his/ her lunch box, which says: I love you or I appreciate your company. Just a 10 second phone call to say: I do not have time to talk, but I just want to let you know that I love you, bye, or I do not have time to talk, but just to let you know: thinking of you. When one comes home: stare in her/ his eyes for 15 seconds in silence and then say: nice to see you. Gently touch her/ his arm and say: that is because I love to stay in touch with you. Buy specific chocolates: caramel, because it is the sweetest I could find, cherry ripe, because ‘I cherish you’ (pun intended) mint because that is your favourite and you are mine. Count the days you are married and if it seems to be insignificant, make a celebration of that day, because every day with you is special and I do not take you for granted. Interrupt your partner in the middle of a sentence and say: I love you, sorry I got distracted by that thought. You are just great. Buy streamers in 6 different colours and lay them on your made up bed in the shape of a heart. Buy a tiara (little crown) in the $2 shop as a toy for little girls and put it on the pillow of your wifes bed. She is your princess. I am sure that there are many other ways of expressing love. It has worked for me. We are the happiest married people in the world and married 8635 days and still going strong. Most of true love making is done anywhere but the traditional spots. A table and 2 chairs and a good conversation and talking about each other nicely and with pride, does wonders for one’s feelings of warmth for each other. I guess this is enough for today. If you can spread any of my suggestions to anybody who needs more love in their life, please go ahead.
Sari, January 10, 2014 12:50 AM
Respect Your Self First to Get Respect
Great ideas, I appreciate the time you took to write this long paragraph. Not all hubbys will get it. My hubby would rather eat or pay a comp game than by a $2 tiara..Time to say I love you, No time to complain. And I"ve been listening to these complaints for 22 yrs.There must be a way to get respect. So far no therapist has been able to help me get this.
I made a new years resolution to start to say what I feel. Think song by Sara Bareilles "Brave."
(5) Sharona, February 23, 2009 3:04 AM
There are lots of little things that help
When I put my mind to it - when my husband comes home I give him a genuine hello and ask him how his day was, and not just yell hello from another room. When he leaves, I am attentive that he is leaving and give him a good wish, not an absent minded good bye. This makes sure that we have even minimal meaningful contact on busy days.
(4) Anonymous, February 22, 2009 9:12 PM
homemade is not the point
I work outside the home, raised a daughter now in college and was (and continue to be) active in activities in the school and the synagogue, enjoy a book club and see friends occasionally. This was clearly not conducive to daily home cooked dinners. What I did do was make the effort to serve food I knew my husband liked, and to remind to have a big lunch if I wasn't going to be available to have a big dinner on the table. Sometimes dinner is reheated or carry-out, but it reflects that I have given thought to what my husband likes. And, BTW, it's easier to be dressed nicely when you've been to work, even if somewhat disheveled from our long days working on the 'outside'. I would advise the first commentor to cease from being a victim and begin to be a partner.
(3) Anonymous, February 22, 2009 3:05 PM
Are you really comfortable in nice clothes??
I'm much more comfortable in my "at home" clothes. They can still be nice...a nice track suit for example. What do you think?
(2) Esther, February 22, 2009 8:04 AM
Dressing nice is good advice!
I noticed a huge change in my marriage once I started wearing my nicest clothes at home - for my husband - instead of only outside the house for other people! It changed the way I felt about myself (better) and about him (more valued), and he started to treat me better too. (Think about it, don't you subtly treat well-dressed, put-together people a little better than people who look like gross slobs?) For the record, we have very young kids, but I still find it possible most days to spend the one minute it takes to change my clothes and brush my hair!
(1) Anonymous, February 22, 2009 7:12 AM
Nice advice, but...
I'm surprised by such advice coming from someone who clearly has a job (or jobs) outside the home as well as her job within it. It "sounds" very geared to the stay-at-home-mom who, even with young children, actually has time to cook dinner and change her clothes before greeting her husband! I'd love to have some advice for the non-SAHM who barely sees her husband.