I told the women that marriage is all about giving. I reiterated the important idea that marriage isn't 50/50 but rather 100/100. And I promised a reciprocal piece for men. So guys, listen up! Some husbands labor under the mistaken belief that women shouldn't need so much attention, that a woman who requires (demands?) a lot of giving is "high maintenance" (not meant to be a flattering term). As the late Ann Landers used to say, "Wake up and smell the coffee." Did you think you were entering some fantasy Eden where your wife does all the giving and you do all the taking? You are in for a surprise.
But never fear; you will actually discover that when you give more, you care more; that when you give more, your relationship is deepened; that when you give more, your marriage is strengthened. You will (hopefully) realize that the only way to create a paradise on earth is through giving.
Here are some ways to give to your wife. This is not an exhaustive list. Feel free to be creative, extravagant, expansive on your own.
1. Take her out to dinner. While you may prefer a home-cooked meal (see the primer for women) or eating in, your wife would love a break. She'd like to get out of the kitchen – and preferably, out of the house. Offer to relieve her burden and take her to a restaurant. It doesn't have to be a fancy one (although those are nice also); just somewhere she doesn't have to do the cooking. If going out is just too difficult (when our children were young they seemed to require two babysitters to handle the whole crew which was a daunting proposition – for the babysitters and us!), order in. It's not quite as relaxing (okay, it's not even close) but at least she gets some respite from the constant cooking. And finally, even if your wife is cooking, you should be helping – with setting the table, clearing the table, washing the dishes. These activities should not be saved for a special occasion.
2. Listen to her. I mean really listen – whether what she speaks about is inherently interesting to you or not. It's important to her; that should make it important to you. This should be done to the exclusion of all other activities. The newspaper should be folded up and the remote out of your hand. A short span of concentrated listening goes a long way.
3. Express your affections in words. Women never get tired of being told they are loved. You will never use up your quotient of "I love you"s. Don't save it for special occasions. Say it in the morning. Say it in the evening. Call her from the office to tell her. Which leads to the next point...
4. Call your wife during the day. I would have thought this was a no-brainer but I have discovered it is not so. When this idea was suggested to a couple we know, the husband responded "I haven't called her from work in 30 years, why should I start now?" This did not augur well for the next 30 years! Men get caught up in their work, too busy and too distracted to think about home. You should always take a break to check in, just to say hi, just to communicate that the relationship is important to you.
5. Take your wife's calls while you're at the office. This is the corollary to #4. While there are certainly times when you are in a meeting or focused on a particular project and need to call your wife back, don't forget to do so! And, in general, take a deep breath, switch gears, and make yourself available to her. You and your marriage will be glad you did.
6. Express affection in actions. This doesn't mean chocolate, flowers or jewelry – although it could! This means take caring of the little requests your wife makes. Change that light bulb (I try to do most of those myself but, at 4'11", there are some that I just can't reach!), take out the garbage, hang the picture, fix the leaky faucet. These things may not be a big deal to you (you didn't even notice it was dripping) but they matter to her. When you respond (in a timely fashion) to her requests, your wife feels that she counts. And that you care.
7. Express affection in actions, part 2. Express your affection through touch. All human beings need to be touched in order to thrive. Women may be needier in this area than men (although I wouldn't be cavalier about a man's need for touch neither). And wives, in particular, need that affirmation of love. Don't be stingy with your physical affection.
8. Help with the children. This seems like stating the obvious, but observation has taught me this isn't always so. They are not her children, they are your children. It's not enough to just play with the kids; you need to help with the work too. Feed them, bathe them, change some diapers. Besides helping your wife (and thereby strengthening your marital bond), you will also deepen your relationship with your children. You may decide you want to do bath time every night! (Okay, who am I kidding?)
9. Plan your schedule in a thoughtful manner. Pursuant to #8, you can only help if you're at home. Where possible, plan your day to be available at dinnertime and, if you have kids, at bedtime. Family dinnertime is a boon to the health of the whole family – and your presence is a big help to your wife. If you can, hold your meetings over breakfast or lunch. If you can resume your work after the kids are bathed and tucked in, it will not only be literally helpful, it will demonstrate thoughtfulness and consideration. And a healthy sense of priorities.
10. Tell her she is attractive. This is also one of those things you can't say often enough. Although we rarely believe it, we still like to hear it. In fact, it is crucial for women to know their husbands think they're beautiful. Whatever they weigh! Be alert for opportunities to express your appreciation and try to notice new looks – hair, dress, shoes. It all makes a big difference. She's not insecure (okay we all are a little) or high maintenance to need this – she's just normal.
11. Compliments. And while we're on the subject, look for other opportunities to praise her as well. Notice new decorations in the home, notice how clean your house is (and close your eyes to the mess if it isn't), be grateful for all the courses in the meal she has prepared – how flavorful, how healthy, how appealing. And those homemade chocolate chip cookies – wow! These should be easy brownie points, small ways to make a big difference.
As we said, the idea is simple. It's only giving. But if you want to retreat to your cave (thank you John Gray) or your lazy-boy recliner (is that stereotype really true?), if you want dinner, a drink and to be left alone, then giving to someone else is difficult and frustrating. But the alternative is not a marriage. It may be a limited partnership but it's not a marriage. In a marriage, you need to lift up to meet the needs of your wife and family. It is definitely not the most comfortable option, but it's the most fulfilling one.
(24) The breadwinner wife, September 15, 2020 8:46 AM
ok for traditional role families
This advice only works for a couple who have traditional roles - if I as the wife am the breadwinner or we contribute equally to household finances, it falls apart very quickly. Why would I assume the burden and responsibilities of all the child minding and housework, whilst working a full time job, only to be grateful for my husband 'helping me' with these things by taking me out to dinner or fixing a leaky tap? Can't he also cook, clean and look after his own children as well as work a full time job, like his wife does day in day out? In today's world this kind of advice is outdated and not very relatable, probably even damaging to women who still think they should be able to Do It All balancing work and family commitments with little input from their husband (sad to say this is a frequently seen dynamic in Western culture). The burn out and resentment after years of this mindset is a one way ticket to divorce.
(23) Jacob Frank, May 20, 2013 11:09 AM
I Don't Like your Cooking
Thanks Emuna! All of these suggestions are great except for #1, "Take her out to dinner." When I say, "Can I take you out," my wife hears, "I don't like your cooking." Maybe it works for some women but not my wife.
(22) Anna, July 28, 2011 10:23 PM
Hahaha ... Old school much?
I'm sorry but I feel like these tips have been taken straight out of a 40's housewife magazine.. just saying.. NO wonder these women require so much attention. It seems all they're doing it waiting around at home for their Prince Charming's to eat their wonderful dinner. On that note I feel sorry for the men here too: taking care of kids WHILE working to support an ENTIRE household!??! Are you kidding? If my husband was working to support an entire household I'd expect absolutely nothing from him. This isn't la-la-40s'-land 'women like to be touched and loved and cuddled.' I'll tell you what women want, and I'll be concrete: we want a man who can make dinner if he comes home from work early, we want someone whos willing to take a share in raising kids. We want to feel like we're being supported -- not financially but overall.
(21) , June 2, 2010 3:21 AM
#20 Anonymous
Thank you for a wonderful comment! I posted on the "primer for women" that I couldn't believe this was written in 2009! I am not Beaver's mom. No time for that!!
(20) Anonymous, May 4, 2010 3:20 PM
I think you forgot some things...
I just read both articles (for women and for men), and I think this one is definitely missing some things, like... The husband should make sure he does not wear tattered clothes at home. If he dresses for work, he can dress nicely for his wife. he should come home, shower, put on some nice cologne and nice clothes. Seriously! The husband should get up every time the baby cries and his wife has to get up. He could change the baby and she could feed, or vice versa, but he should show his support by NOT sleeping when she has to be up. Only fair, especially if she has to forget about needed sleep to wait up for him when he goes out. When the wife comes home from work, the husband should make sure the house is in good repair, the lawn is mowed, the car is working well, and the bills are all covered. Yes, this one is tongue in cheek, in response to the women's article that assumed that she had nothing else to do all day (like maybe a demanding career) and was free to make everything perfect for her husband's arrival home. Sorry, these la-la land articles reflect an imaginary world that is usually pinpointed about 1950-something, but really only existed on the sound stages of popular TV shows. Real life? Listen to each other, help each other, do more for your partner than they do for you (BOTH of you!), share the childcare and bread-winning, share the housework and repairs, take time to laugh, be best friends, and forget the "Father Knows Best" mythology...it was never real, and we destroy ourselves trying to pretend. As Candice Bergen from Murphy Brown said in the wake of Dan Qualyle's comments years ago, "$%# it, it's a TV show! It's not real life!"
(19) Anonymous, August 18, 2009 6:01 AM
Appropriate comments.
These comments are OK but it applies both ways.Love is a two way street.
(18) Anon, August 11, 2009 4:55 PM
HELP!
I agree - I hate the word "help" - "share" would be more appropriate - as in "share the responsibilities"
(17) Gertrude Donchin Chityat, August 4, 2009 10:54 PM
Women Are Not Confined.
When a couple dine out, the husband is not taking the wife – as one would take a child to school or walk a dog. A woman is not confined to the kitchen. If household tasks are her “burden”, her husband is not doing his part. A man who shares cooking, cleaning, and child care is not “helping”; implicit in the notion that he’s helping is the presupposition that these chores are his wife’s responsibility. Not every household follows the model of husband working and wife staying home. And, among people who work, not everyone does so in an office; many work in schools, hospitals, motor vehicles, stores, airports, etc. Women are not the only people who decorate and clean homes -- or mess them up. The way a couple’s house looks reflects on both of its members. When a couple dine out, the husband is not taking the wife – as one would take a child to school or walk a dog. A woman is not confined to the kitchen. If household tasks are her “burden”, her husband is not doing his part. A man who shares cooking, cleaning, and child care is not “helping”; implicit in the notion that he’s helping is the presupposition that these chores are his wife’s responsibility. Not every household follows the model of husband working and wife staying home. And, among people who work, not everyone does so in an office; many work in schools, hospitals, motor vehicles, stores, airports, etc. Women are not the only people who decorate and clean homes -- or mess them up. The way a couple’s house looks reflects on both of its members.
(16) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 11:12 AM
Feelings translate to Actions
If miss your wife you will call her If you love your wife you will do something she will appreciate If you care about your wife you will help her If you want to be connected even when your away you will converse with her when your together thats a women knows
(15) Nissim Stein, August 4, 2009 6:58 AM
Re: How to tell it
Hi, You asked, "How can I get my husband to read this article because he never goes on the "AISH" site;" You can leave the article open and if he sees it, maybe he will read it before "X"-ing it out. Best of luck, NS
(14) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 3:11 AM
Really, there are constant articles of this nature saying the very same thing. Really, i would like to know when this works. i did all these things....and more only to have failed marriage. There are NO guarantees. All we have is what causes us to get married in the first place. Really I AM asking Haschem for answers now rather for hope now for future happiness after having done all this and more only to end up separated now. Perhaps, we woud do well to give our children hope that even when we do EVERYTHING Right our spouses still have choices to make that may hurt us in the end.....G-D is STILL with us and will see us through when we don't have answers for future. HE is our G-D and loves us with everlasting love. And we can NEVER give up hope in H-S LOVE!!!!
(13) sarah, August 4, 2009 12:01 AM
i read briget
i know marriage meaans some what relevtes fun around with help control things it easy find it okay ihave okay to bring it aright it easy thanks dad
(12) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 8:36 PM
Thank you
Thank you, I a m a wife reading this article and I have to admit I have been les than grateful for my husband and not always appreciate of all he does, thank you for illustrating ways I can change that, appreciation works both ways and whiel I am not responsible for his conduct I am responsible for mine and can do something to improve my own and make it more respectable and worthy.
(11) yehudit, August 3, 2009 8:35 PM
don't be afraid to ask...
All these suggestions are great: and if your husband is not forthcoming women should not be afraid to request any of these "giving" qualities if they are not receiving them. Too many of us expect our husbands to read our minds. I will never forget once my husband made a coffee for himself only, and, when I commented, replied that whenever he offered I usually refused so he assumed I didn't want. I then told him that it was still important to me to be asked. So he then offered me a coffee: and I said, "No thank you darling, but thanks so much for offering, I really appreciate it!' We both had a good laugh, and he hasn't stopped offering since... We need to let go of our egos a little and remember to ask for what we need without getting too worked up when it doesn't come naturally. Men love to be needed, not nagged, and letting them know how makes life a lot simpler!
(10) Rachel, August 3, 2009 7:07 PM
Phone calls at work vary with situation
My husband and I both have demanding jobs, and while we are professionals, our firms are set up so that we (and everyone but top management) sit in cubicles. Accordingly, we have a "no pointless phone calls" agreement. If one of us is going to be late, if one of the kids needs to be picked up from school due to illness, etc then of course we call each other. Otherwise, we save it until we get home. This was as much our rule when I was home with little children (and didn't want to necessarily have to run and pick up an unnecessary call from him if I were in the middle of something with the kids) as it is now in the workplace. The key, of course, is to work this out between the couple. If this works for us, it's our business and no one else's. If the Bravermans have a different system that works for them, that's none of my affair.
(9) ester, August 3, 2009 6:42 PM
Love means giving.
Nice article but I would rather have a man who does things around the house, plays with the children, holds me when I am hurting, then a man who compliments me or says he loves me, empty words, the only time he opens the door for me or holds the chair out is when there is someone around to see, empty actions. Buys things for himself while I figure out how to make ends meet. Very, very sad.
(8) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 11:04 AM
Men can cook too!
While I think this is a great article, I am constantly surprised by the assumption by authors on this website that men go out to work all day, and the wife stays at home all day (or at best, works half-day) and therefore the wife does all the cooking etc and the husband is really good if he "helps out" a bit. I work full time, in a job just as demanding as my husband's, and I'm sure there are many more women out there who also do. In non-Jewish circles, the assumption is then that the husband and wife share the housework, take turns with the cooking etc, but in the Jewish religious world the assumption is still that the wife must cook after a full day's work, and the only alternative is to eat out. Am I the only one to see the other possibility? Where I live there are not a lot of kosher restaurants, and we don't really enjoy eating out. I would love it if my husband were to cook one or two meals a week, especially on days that I get home late from work. To me, this would say “I care” far more than paying for a restaurant meal ever could, and a far cheaper option.
(7) Ray, August 3, 2009 2:53 AM
quick before it melts!
QUICK BEFORE IT MELTS! . My wife of 32 years was killed in a tragic accident 3 years ago. I loved her totally and deeply, did just about everything on The List. But the suddenness of her death left an unfillable hole in my heart. I am plagued with guilt over little things I did or did not do over the years. Most of which she probably never realized. The occasional impatient response, the rare harsh or snide remark, the hasty reply, even the unworthy thoughts that flitted through my mind. Even now, 3 years later, when I have found a new lady whose wonderful qualities (many similar to my wife’s) – the emptiness remains within me. A pang in my heart stabs me cruelly when the realization hits me she is dead. I miss her so – and while fortunately the guilt is minor, the pain is deep. Too deep ever to be banished fully. Too deep ever to allow me to say or hear Kaddish without weeping internally and actually. So my advice is to try to be even kinder, more generous, more adoring, more desiring, more complimentary and attentive - more everything, Now. Build up that positive account. Quick before it melts!
(6) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 1:43 AM
how to tell it
I am excited to take on the "women's" suggestions. We would benefit greatly if my husband would take on some of these. But he doesn't read this website! How can I get him to read it without asking him to read it??
(5) Dylan, August 2, 2009 9:20 PM
Going to try with girl friend
Great article, although my girl friend and I are young and have no family; we may one day :) I will increase the giving opportunities that I have into our relationship and will hopefully bolster our love.
(4) Imperfect Husband, August 2, 2009 8:14 PM
to #2 - I strongly disagree. Everyone is inherently selfish and you have to push yourself to be considerate and giving - even if you married your perfect match. Plus, the right woman could quickly turn into the wrong one (according to your assumption) without these investitures into your relationship.
(3) Julie Starr, August 2, 2009 7:56 PM
good ideas
Hi, Emuna. A great article for men to read. Way to go! Julie (Epstein) Starr
(2) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 4:08 PM
If someone needs to force himself to follow these points, perhaps he married the wrong woman.
(1) Mike, August 2, 2009 2:13 PM
So right
Eight years ago my wife of 16 years passed away. Since I knew of her disease when we got married, it governed out behavior toward each other. We treated each day as if it were the last day we would be together on this earth. One day it was. We followed your eleven suggestions, although some were impossible (there were no Kosher restaurants where we live. I must admit I didn't see all the changes she made, such as getting her hair done. But, when she put on 50 pounds I told her she was still beautiful. And, she was; she was the same woman I married sixteen years earlier.