Change one small thing for the good in your marriage and you’ll change the entire course of the relationship. Here are some simple tips you can use starting right now.
1. Absolutely no sarcasm. Ever. The word “sarcastic” comes from Greek and means “to tear flesh.” Don’t do it.
2. Silence is powerful. It can either hurt or it can heal depending on how you use it.If your spouse says something that hurts you, “zip-the-lip” and do not reply in kind. You can gently walk away if it doesn’t stop. Do not let anger escalate, either one of you can make this change.
Do not use silence as a punishment or as a weapon.
Silence used positively is a loving intention to listen. Just listen when your spouse has something to say and wants to be heard.
3. Don't speak from anger. Recognize that anger comes from hurt. If someone is in pain, what that soul really needs is kindness and understanding. If you are the angry one, let go the anger and ask for help and understanding.
4. Forgive mistakes. Being human means you will fall on your face – as a friend, child, parent, spouse, or any other role you’ll take on in life. The key to success in anything we do is standing up one more time than we fall. Forgive your own mistakes and imperfections, and your spouse’s too.
5. Communicate to build. If something hurts your feelings, you can say, “That hurt.” If your partner tells you that you said something that hurt, stop and say what you need to say so that it does not feel like an attack. We send out daggers when we feel like we need to defend. We are not making war; we are making peace in the home. Take baby steps!
6. Ask and listen. Ask what your spouse needs to feel loved. Listen to the answer. Repeat it back to make sure you understand. Now you have powerful information to nourish your marriage.
7. Don’t do defensive. So often we feel accused, blamed, and guilty, and then turn it around by blaming and accusing. When your spouse is upset about something, keep your mind open to finding a win/win solution. If one of you has to be “right” and the other is “wrong,” you both lose. The goal is to for both of you to feel loved and valued.
8. Look for solutions, not problems. If you were 100% responsible for creating this relationship, what would you do differently? (How would you give, receive, ask, listen, share, serve, or communicate?)
9. “The grass is greenest where you water it.” Compliment, spend time together, give gifts, do nice things for each other, be generous with affection, and lavish appreciation. Cut each other slack when needed – apply forgiveness liberally. Stay open to humor.
10. Pray. Prayer opens the channels of the Creator’s power and blessing. Nothing is too big, and nothing is too small or insignificant to talk about with God. In your own words, in any language, from the heart. Here are the key elements of prayer:
- Praise – Recognize Who you are speaking with
- Ask – Ask for what you want, you can’t bother the Creator of the World!
- Thank – Expressi ng gratitude opens you up to receive more
You build a house one brick at a time. You build a marriage, one kind word, one kind deed, one moment at a time, and then another and another. Consistently. Over time. Your marriage is worth every drop of love and effort you put into it.
(17) Anonymous, September 4, 2016 2:37 AM
That was awesome creativity
(16) shalvi weissman, April 25, 2010 10:26 AM
beautiful!
Helpful concise and to the point. Keep 'em comin'!
(15) Houcine, April 23, 2010 4:46 AM
very well said, I'm not jewish, but this apply to everyone who is seeking a healthy full of love and Joy relationship! Thank you Laya Saul.
(14) Sheppy John Silverman, April 22, 2010 9:09 PM
Learn to listen.
Communicate, don't second guess: "I need, I want, I expect". Use "I" as in, "I'm hurt", "I'm disappointed." The word "you" becomes accusatory and elicits a defensive posture. Devaluing someone else doen't make you a better person.
(13) Anonymous, April 22, 2010 9:28 AM
perfect timing
This article appeared at the perfect time. My partner was very upset with me and rightly so. She communicates with anger. I become silient and uncommunitive. These suggestions will be extremely helpful. Thank you
(12) , April 21, 2010 9:51 PM
powerful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!weve got to get to work
(11) yaron, April 21, 2010 5:11 PM
You Light Up My World
Wow, if every husband had someone like you to love ! I pray that all of Hashems children should find spouses, as smart, committed, and passionate as you. Thanks for sharing your sensitivity and wisdom with the world. You go girl !
(10) Anonymous, April 21, 2010 4:41 AM
Truly a beautiful reminder!!! And a MUST DO for any married couple.... Thank you so much - its just what i needed to hear.... GOD BLESS YOU
(9) Shoshana, April 19, 2010 1:54 PM
10 very wise tips
If one keeps to your ten tips for sure any marriage can be improved. It's easy to read and agree but the difficult part is obviously implementing what we know to be correct. One step at a time is also an improvement. Thanks for your tips and I hope it helps everybody who reads it!!
(8) Anonymous, April 19, 2010 7:35 AM
Great tips thank you. Should a serious dating couple apply marriage tips as well ?
Laya Saul, February 11, 2016 7:23 PM
Absolutely!
These tips can apply in different ways to most relationships. If you're dating towards marriage and things are looking serious, read these together.
(7) elisheva, April 19, 2010 4:48 AM
thank you
Thank you for this ten step list. IT COULD NOT HAVE COME SOONER OR AT A BETTER MOMENT. TRULY, THIS IS HEAVEN SENT.
(6) Alyssa, April 19, 2010 1:09 AM
Somehting I need to improve...
I am not married but I read this article and found it to be very good advice even for relating to friends and family. Number seven hit a raw nerve for me...I tend to "attack" when I THINK I'm being attacked...even if I'm not. Actually I'm defensive even if I suspect I am being misunderstood, and it's something I need to change about myself before I get married. I suppose, to some degree we all need to be a little more vulnerable and let our guard down. If we are constantly "ready for battle" no one will feel comfortable communicating w/ us let alone sharing their innermost thoughts (something very much needed in a marriage especially). I'm ready to let my loved ones know that I will listen, even if I don't like what I'm hearing, and knock down this barricade! Thanks for the article...
(5) Joseph A. Cleary, April 18, 2010 9:33 PM
10 Tips for a great world and a good marriage.
Dear Rabbi: Your 10 Tips would go a long way helping in our every day lives as well as in any and all marriages, or so I believe. Please do be well. Shalom, Shalom, Yosef of Ok.
(4) , April 18, 2010 6:24 PM
I agree with the article but do you know of a great shadchan? :) Kathy C.
(3) bev, April 18, 2010 3:45 PM
It's good.
(2) Dr Chris Nash, April 18, 2010 3:27 PM
And before you get married...
As a psychologist I've found one book VERY useful - It's Jean Grenier's Ten conversations you must have before you get married. Let's encourage those considering marriage to do it with commitment to do it well - or not do it at all.
(1) Kezia Pride, April 18, 2010 2:13 PM
Lots of wisdom in a small package
Thanks for this great, concise article! Lots of great advice contained in these ten golden nuggets! Kol hakavod!