My mother-in-law and I never really saw eye-to-eye.
We both tried very hard but we were from different planets. She preferred Canyon Ranch while I preferred Dude Ranch. She longed for a Picasso and I a Monet; she loved New York City and I loved the Virginia countryside. But we did have one thing in common: our love for her son.
As the first daughter-in-law in the family, we were both entering new territory. She did her best to welcome me into the family and I did my best to be a part of the family. Yet the dinner table conversations were often uncomfortable for me. Talking about the neighbors, politics or making fun of learning about Judaism were common discussions. I was uncertain how to respond.
As the first three grandchildren were born, I relegated myself to watching over them in lieu of the dinner conversation. I was relieved and the family seemed happy someone was babysitting. This resolution worked until occasions arose where the kids could not come along. I had no escape.
I tried everything from smiling politely during religious or political discussions, to excusing myself for not feeling well, to stating my opinions with facts to back them up. None of these strategies were satisfactory. Most of the time, I arrived home feeling bullied and reluctant to ever return to a family dinner. But there were so many birthdays, anniversaries and holidays providing reasons for visiting Grandma.
One night when I was pregnant and we had been invited to dinner, I warned my mother-in-law in advance that the smell of fish literally made me gag, so please do not have fish. Guess what she made for dinner? You guessed it. Fish. I am sure she didn’t mean it; her second son was a vegetarian and she probably forgot about me and made something that he would like. Since I literally couldn’t stomach being in the house I went home before the meal.
I know our hearts were in the right place, we just saw the world in different ways. We were oil and water, pure and simple. But we both tried hard for many, many years because it was important for the family.
Shortly after she passed away, I received a visitor at my door telling me that it was my mother-in-law’s wish that I did not attend her funeral. I decided that the most respectful thing I could do for her was to honor her wish and I did not attend. I explained this to my children but they were naturally confused. It was a hurtful day for all, but we tried to put it behind us.
My father had passed away a few months before my mother-in-law and I had been attending the daily morning minyan for him. I knew that I was the only one who would say Kaddish for him and it gave me some time each day to feel my father’s presence who I mourned with every fiber in my being.
The Kaddish Prayer says nothing about death; it’s about our devotion to God. It reaffirms that even though our most precious love has been taken from us, we know that everything that God does is for the good. Through the Kaddish prayer the soul of the deceased is elevated, and the prayer helps the departed to go through the process of cleansing for the mistakes they made in their lives.
Over time, reciting Kaddish in shul made me feel closer to God and to my father, and to the “minyan men” as well who did their best to comfort and console me following the morning service with coffee and a bagel. The Kaddish prayer itself became like a blanket of comfort to me. It kept my father and me together.
Then one morning it occurred to me: who was saying Kaddish for my mother-in-law? No one in the family was observant and I was sure that no one was praying for her. I was already in shul and there was no reason why I should not have her in mind when reciting Kaddish as well. So in addition to thinking about my beloved father, I also began to spend some time each morning thinking about my mother-in-law.
I had no inkling of the transformation I was going to experience. Saying Kaddish each day, thinking about my relationship with her, I shared the disappointment that I had that we didn’t get along better. Soon I began to recall specific events that I wanted to apologize for, or specific uncomfortable exchanges that we had. I mentioned some of these memories in my prayers.
Throughout this process, I felt an incredible change in myself. I began to like my mother-in-law more and I began to forgive her and I felt forgiven by her. Throughout the process of prayer, I felt that we had forged an entirely new relationship based on forgiveness and understanding. She was really a lovely lady who never meant any harm at all. The prayers that I said on her behalf benefitted me tremendously. I was able to let go of so much pain and I hope that together, her soul felt free.
Now, years later, when I think about my mother-in-law, those painful events are far in the distant past, almost erased from my memory. I learned a valuable lesson: even after someone passes away, it’s never too late to make the relationship better. We can change our memories, we can change events that took place and how we think about them. We can ease the journey for those who die by praying for them.
Now when I think of my mother-in-law, I smile. She was my children’s grandmother and their dad’s mother and she did the best she could. I am grateful to her for helping me to find peace with our relationship and to realize that we are all connected during life and after death. It is never too late to mend a broken relationship or a broken heart.
(18) Starr Marie Nicholas, September 30, 2019 2:21 AM
Just beautiful and very heartfelt. Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope that there is still a chance for my daughter-in-law and me. God Bless you!
(17) Nancy, May 10, 2019 11:55 AM
A slightly different situation
My husband's mother had passed away at a relatively young age, so I never got to meet her. However, my mother and HER mother in law did not get along. My paternal grandmother was a wonderful grandmother, but it saddened me that she was not a better MIL.
(16) Unfathomable, May 8, 2019 9:47 PM
Unfathomable
I mamesh cannot fathom how big the size of your heart must be, to have forgiven your MIL after all that she did to you. What a Tzadeikess you are! Especially after she had the messenger come and tell you that she didn't want you at her funeral, which was such a potch in punim, reaching out to insult you even after her death. May Hashem bless you with only goodness in your life.
(15) Anonymous, May 8, 2019 2:36 PM
Husband?
Your story doesn’t mention your husband’s role, observations, responses, to the family tensions. Where does he fit into the picture, as he must?
(14) Bobby5000, May 8, 2019 2:01 PM
things can work out
My mother objected to my marrying a woman with children and conveyed her disapproval. I continued with the woman I love. To her credit, my mom then took the children out for a nice day and thereafter treated them like her own. My wife did not hold a grudge and we have had a happy marriage and my wife encourages us to take as many visits as possible to my parents.
(13) Zehava, May 8, 2019 12:44 PM
I appreciate your honesty about your relationship and feelings towards your Mother-in-law. Sometimes what we conflict with in our relationship with another person is a mere Klipah. Perhaps when you were saying Kaddish for her you were connecting with her G-dly Soul. I think others who have been in a similar situation as yourself and find they just can't move on from the hurt or regrets will be able to reading your words
(12) Aura Sadeh, May 7, 2019 10:20 PM
Not everyone deserves forgiveness.
You are really an angel. For me, when I am good to someone and they are nasty to me, I give them three chances and after that I don't get into any argments, but cut myself from that person altogether. I cannot forgive bad, nasty people and I don't intend to. I think that barring you from her funeral , showed that she didn't like you and for you to forgive her is beyond me.
(11) Peninah, May 7, 2019 10:01 PM
Mother In Laws
Thank you Valerie for sharing with us such a transformative way of handling tough situations in life.
I am always perplexed by the fact that in almost all marriages in the world, it is the mother- in - laws who are problematic. You hardly hear of problematic father-in-laws. Why can't women be laid back as men are? Why can't mother-in-laws find it in their hearts to embrace their children-in-law? They are after all your children. Why not make it easier for them to love you?
There is something very wrong with us women and we need to reflect on it and change. Every generation has had the same problem with mother-in-laws so it is a festering problem.
This can only be resolved if we remember that the person our child has married is now our child too. We need to be more compassionate, less competitive and insecure.
I am so fed up with mother-in-law drama narratives. It is very demeaning and humiliating to the female sex. So much pettiness and unnecessary strife because we cannot have bigger hearts.
(10) Anonymous, May 6, 2019 6:19 PM
It’s amazing that even after something so painful like not being invited to your mother in law’s funeral you were still able to let go of it and start thinking positively. It shows what kind of a person you are. May Hashem bless you and reward you.
Anonymous, May 7, 2019 10:48 AM
It is
It is
(9) Naomi Lieberman, May 6, 2019 5:10 PM
Thanks and agreement
I just loved your article about being able to continue a relationship with someone even after their passing. I especially appreciate that it was about one’s mother-in-law which can be tricky. I have experienced a similar feeling about my relationships with those who have passed. I feel a new serenity and appreciation with several relatives and wonder if they feel the same on the other side.
(8) esther, May 6, 2019 5:08 PM
make amends with the living
I was very touched by your article. I think you must be a very special person to do what you did. Yes, there are many daughters in law and mothers in law who don't get along....sometimes its one or the others fault. However shalom bayit is so important, sometimes the best thing is to hold your tongue......even if you don't agree with what is being said, just smile and don't answer. It sounds like this is what you tried to do. i always remind daughters in law, that despite how they may feel about their MIL, they gave them the biggest gift of their life.....their son. And for that alone they should be grateful and thankful to them.
(7) Anonymous, May 6, 2019 12:30 PM
No one to say Kaddish
You wrote that there was no one to say Kaddish for your mother-in-law. But what about your husband? Didn't he say Kaddish for his mother?
(6) Anonymous, May 6, 2019 3:27 AM
I had a similar relationship with my mother-in-law
Thank you for your insightful and helpful message. My relationship with my mother-in-law was quite similar to what you describe. When she died, I too felt deep disappointment with the unfortunate situation we experienced. I had always hoped that somehow we could do better. Thank you for giving me an option that I will try. May G-d bless us all.
(5) Leah, May 5, 2019 11:23 PM
I would like to know what you are smoking.
Having had the same.she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
I had the same while taking. A shower and she pulled the shower
Curtain open,
But, if you get SHALOM, good for you !!
?????
(4) Mandy, May 5, 2019 8:55 PM
Deleted comment
This comment has been deleted.
Bunny, May 6, 2019 2:54 AM
Women saying Kaddish
In Conservative and Reform synagogues, women can and do say Kaddish. Perhaps in some modern Orthodox ones as well. I say Kaddish for my parents and sister. I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it for me.
In regard to the husband, where was he when all this was happening?
Nancy, May 6, 2019 6:15 AM
Who says women "can't" say kaddish? Of course they can! There is no halacha prohibiting women from saying kaddish, and many women do so.
(3) MrsF, May 5, 2019 4:31 PM
VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING
Your story really makes one think again about how they perceive a relationship and their part in all of it. While it's never too late to heal problem relationships, albeit sometimes the other side just won't bend, your words make me think about my own behavior and I appreciate your insight that gives me hope that I too one day can have peace and healing with the people in my life that drive me nuts! Thank you.
(2) Anonymous, May 5, 2019 4:08 PM
You may have reformed me. I can’t stand my mother in law who is 91. I ADORED my first mother in law at whose bedside I was called to when she died at 94 tho her son and I had been divorced for years. When I return from my out of town Bubby visit I will grit my teeth and visit ! PS - I’m paid back as none of my daughter in laws like me !
(1) Andrea, May 5, 2019 3:06 PM
M I l
You are an angel. A comp late angel.
I had the wicked est of them all.
She tried to destroy her own son. Ruin his life long before he met me.
She was a monster.
She died on tshabov.
We were so releived.
Sometimes with all tg he best intentions evil people cannot be loved. Even in death
We dont ever speak of her
Never
We light a candle once a year
But that's it
Valerie Greenfeld, May 5, 2019 5:29 PM
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. Writing this piece has helped me to heal and your comments have added to that healing. I hope that this pieces provides you with a different way to look at challenging relationships.