Following my first article, I received several requests for a continuation of the alphabet. Below are the E, F, G, and H of the 50-day Marital Survival Guide. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
E
Empathy:
It is normal to want to help your spouse soothe when they are upset. Telling them to “calm down” doesn’t work. It is simply another way of conveying that you feel they are overreacting. Dr. John Mordechai Gottman suggests that the goal is not to try to fix your spouse's feelings but to communicate that you understand and accept them. This is empathy.
Ears:
There is a well-known question: Why did God give us two ears and one mouth? The answer: so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. Here is sound advice for productive conversations: be interested, not interesting.
Easy:
Men, do you want to make regular deposits in the Care Bank? Ask your wife each morning what you can do to make her day easier.
Enforce a no-phone zone at family meals. Researchers found evidence that mobile phones have negative effects on closeness, connection, and conversation quality. (See G section below _ Google) Przybylski and Weinstein, May 6, 2013.
Engage the services of a qualified pro-marriage therapist earlier than the norm of two years that most couples wait before seeking professional help. Why pro-marriage? Because some therapists will proudly proclaim, "I'm not about saving marriages, I'm about helping people." My slogan is the opposite: “I'll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage."
F
Failed Bids:
What do couples argue about most often? Nothing. It turns out that most arguments are not about topics; they are about failed bids to connect. That’s fancy wording for "nothing" says Gottman, as illustrated in this example using the television remote control. The husband is changing channels on the remote as they’re watching television together on the couch. The wife says, “Leave it on that channel.” The husband responds, “I will but let me just see what else is on.” She counters, “No, leave it on that channel.” He says, “Fine!” Finally she declares, "Well the way that you said 'fine' hurt my feelings.” He effectively ends the discussion by retorting, “I don't even want to watch television with you now.” What was this couple arguing about? Nothing, or like stated above, failed bids to connect.
Family:
The greatest danger of having a child-centered family is that when the children leave home, often the marriage does too. Empty nesters know this well.
Second is the danger that even if the couple stays together after the children leave home, they may feel diminished as a couple. One couple that I counsel told their adult children "We were a great mom-dad team but a lousy husband-wife team."
The third danger is benign but still regrettable. Some couples work on fixing their marriage after the children leave home and make significant progress. This is positive but sad for two reasons: many years of unmet marital potential, and even more important is the lack of good marital role models for their children (Dr. Bill Doherty).
Father:
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother (Theodore Newburgh).
Feeling:
You are not going to feel "in love" all the time. If you want to recapture that magic from when you were in love, be loving (Dr. Frank Pittman obm).
Forgive:
You hear the phrase "forgive and forget" so often that the two become equated with one another, when in fact, they have nothing to do with each other. Just because you have forgiven someone and given up the desire to take revenge does not mean that you have forgotten the event ever happened (Michelle W. Davis).
The weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Friendship:
This is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust (Oxford Dictionary). Friendship is an infinitely more stabilizing basis for marriage then romance. Get good at friendship before you even think about falling in love (Pittman).
G
Gaze:
Men and women tend to experience intimacy differently (Dr. Helen Fisher). Women experience intimacy from face-to-face contact; they use the "anchoring gaze". This comes from thousands of years of mothers holding their babies in front of their face. Women tend to draw closer, face each other, lock eyes, and proceed to reveal their hopes, worries, and details of their lives. Men are not going to look deeply into another's eyes because this is foreign to them. Men experience intimacy by working or gaming side-by-side. This male approach to intimacy probably also dates back thousands of years. Fisher suggests that in order to build intimacy with a man, a woman should do things with him that are side-by-side so that he isn't threatened by her gaze.
Grand Gestures:
Gestures like diamond rings and weekends in the Caribbean are not as effective as smaller daily gestures.
Gradual is the key to successful change. Drastic change like huge swings of a pendulum tend not to be enduring.
Grammar:
Surprisingly, correcting your spouse's grammar in the middle of a disagreement can be considered contempt which is the most harmful form of communication. Who’d have thunk it?
Grudge Bearing:
Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski heard this at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and it helped him to rid himself of resentment. “Harboring resentment is like allowing someone you don't like to live inside your head without paying rent....and I'm not that nice a guy.”
H
Happiness:
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they make the best of everything (Old Adage).
Marriage is not supposed to make you happy; it is supposed to make you married. And once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy rather than wasting your adulthood looking for structure (Pittman).
Holler:
I never met someone who wants their spouse to raise his or her voice. It is contemptuous because the spouse feels and acts superior. It is putting oneself on a higher plane looking down from a position of authority, with an attitude of I am better/ smarter/ neater/ more punctual than you. Gottman asserts that contempt is the single best predictor of relationship dissolution. It is for this reason that I give every spouse who I counsel permission to yell only these three words (when applicable) “Fire! Get out!”
Hope:
Think hopeful. Speak hopeful. Act hopeful.
When hope is lost, all is lost. Be hopeful that all your efforts at nurturing your marriage will bring you true and lasting Shalom Bayis.
(8) Anonymous, September 27, 2020 3:48 AM
This article is "Superb!"
There is so much wisdom revealed in each of the letters you presented.
As I read each letter, I stopped and thought about what you wrote.
I look forward to reading the rest of the letters.
(7) Anonymous, July 20, 2020 5:27 PM
Please share I-Z
The A-H guides are wonderful. Please continue to share I-Z.
Thank you
Alan M Singer, September 14, 2020 3:00 PM
thank you
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. My third installment (Letters I-J-K-L) is up on the AISH website now. Best for a Good Healthy and Prosperous New Year
(6) Anonymous, July 16, 2020 7:58 AM
Nice to be reminded
Thank you so much for this article and your last one. Even though I've learned many of these things over the years (there were only taharat hamishpacha classes in my time), I learned them the hard way. Your article was a good reminder and so interesting with all the quotes you inserted. All I can say is, more please!
Anonymous, September 14, 2020 3:00 PM
thank you
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. My third installment (Letters I-J-K-L) is up on the AISH website now. Best for a Good Healthy and Prosperous New Year
(5) Anonymous, July 16, 2020 3:43 AM
NOT Good advice; GREAT Advice!!!
I am one of those who asked for more of the alphabet.
Because this is AMAZINGLY GREAT Advice!
I am a newlywed of just eight months.
I am also 63 years old.
I wish I had known ALL of this during my first marriage. (Although there was mental illness involved there and it's difficult to know if any of this would have worked with someone who can't react within 'normal' bounds. But...)
Being newly married at this age brings (in my opinion), different challenges and skills than being married in your 20s.
On the one hand, I have had more time to get 'set in my ways'.
OTOH, I bring all that life experience to the relationship.
As someone already wrote, this is great advice for ALL interpersonal relationships.
Before I show it to my wife, I'll think about how much of it I'M fulfilling.
Then, I'll ASK her where she thinks *I* need improvement.
Only after that will I ask her how much, in her opinion, WE are fulfilling these Together.
Finally, I'll ask about her conduct and mindset.
I have learned a lot in my 60-plus years.
This article and the previous one have taught me more.
please, Please, PLEASE:
KEEP GOING!
I can hardly wait for the next installment(s).
Thank you so much and
Peace, Happiness and HEALTH to you
and yours
and ALL the readers!
(4) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 4:43 PM
good summary of important concepts in good marriage
a quick worthwhile read.
Anonymous, September 14, 2020 3:01 PM
thank you
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. My third installment (Letters I-J-K-L) is up on the AISH website now. Best for a Good Healthy and Prosperous New Year
(3) hinda rosenberg, July 14, 2020 4:02 PM
Excellent article!! I like your clear headed and practical approach.
(2) Margaret Schatkin, July 14, 2020 1:55 PM
Very good advice, not just for marriage, but human relations in general.
There's a lot of wisdom in this article, based on experience and in-born wisdom. Thank you!
Anonymous, September 14, 2020 3:01 PM
thank you
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. My third installment (Letters I-J-K-L) is up on the AISH website now. Best for a Good Healthy and Prosperous New Year
Anonymous, September 14, 2020 3:02 PM
thank you
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. My third installment (Letters I-J-K-L) is up on the AISH website now. Best for a Good Healthy and Prosperous New Year
(1) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 12:05 PM
Wise and sensible, you’re good :)